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Sexual Frequency and Orgasms: How Often Should You Have Sex? · The Diva Details

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Welcome to the Diva Details. Welcome to the Diva Details.
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Where bold, confident women embrace life unapologetically.
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From love and sex to wellness and reinvention. We keep it raw, real and powerful.
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Well, hello. This is Diva Mia, and today we're going to talk a little bit about connection sexually.
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We've talked a little bit about why women are less connected with when they
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feel disrespected or when they feel like they're not safe.
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But today we're going to talk about sex and how often women are having it and
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see if we can't help you along the path to having a little bit more sex in your
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life and the reasons why.
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So let me dive right in today, and we're going to educate you a little bit about
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relationship wellness.
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Now, remember, this is not medical advice, and this episode is for education
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and relationship wellness.
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If sex is painful, then by all means, you need to do something about that,
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or if your desire has suddenly changed, it might be hormonal.
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But if you're dealing with menopause symptoms or medication side effects,
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talk to your doctor and see if there's something you can do to change some of
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those symptoms. or if you're having menopausal issues that's delaying you wanting
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to have sex, there's things you can do as well.
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But today, let's get right in and let's talk about how many times a week you should be having sex.
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If you're measuring your relationship by how many times a week you have sex,
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though, that's not a good measurement of your relationship.
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Some weeks you may have more sex than others. Really, honestly,
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the happiest couples aren't always having sex.
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Sometimes the happiest couples are having sex, but they're also connected in
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other ways. They're on the same level and they align.
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So just because you're having a lot of sex doesn't mean you're going to be one
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of the happiest couples, although it doesn't hurt.
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If your desire for each other is not broken and you're both responsive to each
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other, then you can have more sex.
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The big truth, though, is that sex varies between person to person.
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Different people want sex at different levels. It kind of depends on the person.
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It also will depend on your health.
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It also depends on are you married to the person? Are you dating the person?
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Do they stay over a lot if you're dating them? Or are you just starting off?
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If you're dealing with a lot of stress at home or financial stress,
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it can definitely decrease the amount of desire that you have for sex.
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It's very hard to get excited about sex if I'm so tired that I'm about to fall asleep.
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There might be some physical issues with how many times you can have sex.
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And then on top of it, a lot of people in their 40s, 50s, and 60s are getting on medications.
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And some of the side effects are sexual.
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It may cause dryness in women. It may cause erectile dysfunction in men.
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I know all of these factors weigh. And the quality of your relationship can
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matter more, too, as you age.
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If you have a high-quality relationship, you're probably going to keep the sex
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going. If your relationship is a little stale or you're just not feeling connected
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anymore, the sex may wane. And it's kind of a sign that things aren't going the best.
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When you're younger, typically, and I say typically, people have more sex.
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Now, these statistics may shock you because I thought they were very low.
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And what happens a lot is as people get older, they have a partner die off or
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they get divorced and they may be single. So that will decrease the amount of
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sex that people in the older years are having if they don't have a partner to have sex with, right?
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But in the 20s to 30 range, so if you're 20 years old to 30,
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the average number of times you have sex is one to two times a week.
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Now, I thought that was really low.
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Some more, some less. That's the average. If you're partnered with somebody
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and you're only having sex one to two times a week, I thought that was low because
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I remember in my 20s and 30s, I was having sex more times per week.
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That that's low but that's kind of how it is if you're not married maybe that
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will you know decrease it if you're in your 20s or 30s and you're single you're
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only having sex maybe a couple times a month that's a possibility if so 20s
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to 30s the average is one to two times a week 30s to 40s.
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Is only one time a week. Because what happens in most people when they're in
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their 30s to 40s is they have work, they have kids, they have stress,
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they have a lot of things driving their lives.
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So in the 30s to 40s, most people are only having sex one time a week.
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And your 40s to 50s, it stays about one time a week to as low as twice a month, okay?
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One time a week is pretty average for 40s to 50s, but some people are only having it two times a month.
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So there's kind of two camps, if you're still married, you're probably having sex once a week.
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If you're not, it really does decrease the amount of times you're having sex.
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Now we're getting into the 50s and 60s.
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I mean, this is to me, this is really sad, but sex is so important, guys.
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It's really important for your overall mental health, to fight depression, etc.
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But we'll get into that in a little bit. In your 50s to 60s,
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people are only having sex one to three times a month on average.
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And if you're in a relationship, you're more likely to be having it three times
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a month. If you're not in a relationship, you may only be having it once a month.
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So one to three times a month on average in your 50s to 60s.
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Now, I'm in my 50s and I'm having sex usually two times a day. I'm in a relationship.
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And so I'm throwing that number way off because it's for me,
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it's at least 10 to 14 times a week.
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One to three times per month in your 60s to 70 is the average.
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In your 60s to 70s, People remain active, but it's only a couple times a month.
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80s, it may only be one time a month, if at all.
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And 80s to 90s, three to four times a year, okay?
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Now, there's only about 10% of the people over 90 still having sex.
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If you're over 90, only one out of every 10 people is still having sex.
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If you're over 90 and you're listening to this and you're still having sex,
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you're in the top 10% of the population because the rest of the people aren't even having sex at all.
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But frequency is not the goal. but I'm here to tell you that.
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It's important, too, because if you have a connection with someone,
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you're going to want to have sex with them more often. If you have a deep connection,
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you're going to have sex with them all the time.
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There's nothing wrong with having sex every morning and every night.
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There's nothing wrong with having that deep level of a connection.
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Honestly, I think it's very healthy. Morning sex is the best, though, I will say.
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For women, I think we like nighttime sex better, but morning sex is much easier
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for men as we get older. It's really good for everyone's mental health,
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because if you have sex in the morning, it's going to be pleasurable.
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First of all, it usually takes less work for the guy to get going.
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It's been linked to better mood and less negative effects for your day.
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So you have sex in the morning.
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You're going to wake up. You're going to have sex, usually first thing in the
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morning. And you're going to go about your day smiling. You're going to think
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about that. It's going to keep you going.
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It's going to decrease your cortisol right off the base. And it's going to affect
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you physically, mentally, and sexually. It releases oxytocin,
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you're getting excited, you had a bonding experience with your partner, and you had an orgasm.
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Hopefully you both had orgasms. By the way, guys, if you're not giving your
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partner an orgasm, at least one, maybe two on every sexual experience,
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this is the reason why women want less sex.
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Because if you're not pleasing them, why do they want to have sex with you?
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I must be straightforward. If you're not getting your girlfriend off or your
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wife or your partner, why in the hell would she want to have sex with you again?
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And if you only get her off every other time, it's going to take the sexual
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relationship down the tubes.
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Because if you're not getting her off often or you don't know how to please
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your partner, you need to figure it out.
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Because otherwise, the number of times you have sex will be one time a week
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or twice a week or once a month.
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Because you're not pleasing your partner. Pleasure for a woman isn't just orgasm,
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although that's a big part of it.
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Pleasure for a woman is also making her feel safe so that she can have an orgasm
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and making her feel respected.
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But you need to get your partners off. If you don't, as far as I'm concerned,
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if I'm with a guy that doesn't pleasure me at the same time where he's getting
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pleasured, I don't stay with them.
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I don't want to date them because there's no point.
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There's men out there that are selfish ladies. There are men out there that
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they want to get off every single time, but they don't care whether you do. They don't even try.
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Honestly, for the men out there that do that, you get what you give.
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Eventually, you'll be in a relationship where the woman just doesn't want to
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have sex with you anymore because you're not pleasing her. So just remember that.
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Sometimes it's external pleasure prior during foreplay, and sometimes it's pleasure during sex.
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But nonetheless, you need to work with your girlfriend or your wife in order
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to make sure that it fits both of you. Okay, not just you, men.
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Just saying. Okay, so morning sex will make you 70% more productive for the day.
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You're going to be able to focus more on the day. You're going to come back
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after having morning sex and you're going to be nicer to people.
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You'll be able to focus more. If you can have a better day, it's going to run days better.
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Now, I think everyone should have sex every single morning, but that's just
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my personal opinion because it would really go a long way to helping people's
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attitudes. It sets your whole emotional tone for the day. I think you'll be
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more close to your partner. I think you're going to fight less with your partner.
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And it's going to just, because the oxytocin it releases, I think,
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carries through at least noon, if not longer.
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And it decreases your stress, so you'll be less reactive when things happen.
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You'll be calmer. You'll be able to handle things better.
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And conflict is going to feel easier to navigate. And everybody has conflict
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in our daily lives and at work.
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And when that happens, you'll be able to handle that conflict easier.
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But it's not guaranteed. And the quality of the relationship matters, too.
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If you're having sex in the morning, but you guys aren't connected,
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it's not going to give you as much pleasure, and you're probably not going to
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release as much oxytocin.
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Just remember, for women and men, you've got to have that connection.
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If you don't have it, then maybe you're with the wrong partner.
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Clinically speaking, though, sex tends to help relationships overall,
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and it creates a bonding between you and your partner.
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It creates a closeness that you can't really take away. Right?
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It helps you feel chosen as well and safe and connected as well as it helps
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them feel chosen, safe and connected.
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And it repairs any intimate issues you may have.
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And I will say the partner I have currently, my boyfriend that I'm dating,
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is I'm very connected with him.
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And that bonding experience is amazing.
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And honestly, it's been amazing to go through and connect with someone that much.
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And there have been people that I've been with in the past that I was just not
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connected with. and it just was not the same.
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So when you have sex with a man, you need to be able to be open, honest.
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And ladies, stop faking your orgasms because if you're faking your orgasms,
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then they're gonna think they got you off and then they're gonna come.
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Now, if sex is uncomfortable or painful, then I know women have done that in
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the past just to be done, but maybe you're with the wrong sized guy as well.
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There's nothing wrong with being with a smaller sized man because sometimes
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the big ones are too big, ladies. They just are.
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Sexually, you need to be able to give feedback to your partner.
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You need to be able to tell them, hey, this feels good, this doesn't.
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Sometimes they pick it up from your moaning.
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Sometimes guys are just dense in the head and they don't understand what feels good for you.
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So you've got to be able to give feedback, whether you're satisfied,
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whether you're not. And sometimes it's just a discussion.
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And maybe you have to tell your partner, look, you're going to have to do oral
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sex or get me off externally before.
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Otherwise, I don't have an orgasm because a lot of women don't have internal orgasms.
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And sometimes they don't have them with certain men. Some men are better at
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giving orgasms internally than others.
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And some men are better at giving external orgasms. You need to figure out what
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they can do and see if you can work with them.
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But this is a conversation that needs to happen.
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Men, if you don't think it matters, it so does for you too. Because if you're
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not getting your woman off and giving her an orgasm, she's going to want to
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have less and less sex with you over time.
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You might be one of those people only having sex once a month.
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That's in their 40s or 50s. It may be true.
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Let's talk about how satisfaction will affect each other over time.
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It's not just more sex. It's also better sex.
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When you do have sex, it's going to be much more amazing.
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It's quality sex when you can give feedback and you can listen to your partner
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and learn your partner's body.
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It doesn't have to be perfect, but it should be pleasurable for both of you.
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An intimate experience, it's going to help you with your well-being.
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And it's not just checking something off the list to get done today.
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It should not be transactional.
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You shouldn't have sex and then jump out of bed and go get showered.
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It should be you have sex and then you cuddle for even just a few minutes.
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Or cuddle for a half hour, whatever you're comfortable with.
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But cuddle. And it's not, don't be a chatty Cathy.
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You know, guys, if you have a chatty Cathy who has sex with you and then she
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wants to talk after, it's because you're not giving her enough orgasms. Sorry, guys, it's true.
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Or maybe she was faking the orgasm that she did have. Because women,
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when they're fully pleasured, they're done. They want to relax.
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They don't want to get up and do stuff. They want to relax. They want to mellow out.
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So believe me, if you can really, as I say, bed your woman well,
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then she won't want to be running around doing a bunch of stuff.
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You've cleared her brain out if that's possible.
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Who do you think drives sex, men or women? In most couples, the lower desire
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partner ends up setting the pace.
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So in most couples, the women have less desire for men, and they set the pace.
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Now, sometimes the men have less desire, so the man sets the pace,
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but it slows down the desire.
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I will say I have a pretty high libido, I think, for someone in their 50s because
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I prefer to have sex two or three times a day. I have a strong sexual desire
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and I drive the pace most of the time.
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Now, I have sometimes driven the pace a little bit too much and I'm trying to
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learn to adjust a little bit less, but.
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I will say after menopause, my sexual desire definitely went through the roof.
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I want sex more often. Now, a lot of women, they don't want sex at all after menopause.
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They don't want it. That's okay. But I'm pretty sure that they just haven't
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had a really good partner.
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Men, you've really got to work on this. You need to make sure your women are satisfied.
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You need to make sure your women are happy so that they will push for more sex, not less.
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A lot of women, if you see them declining on the number of times they want to
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have sex, it's because you're not satisfying them.
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Learn what makes them happy. And women, you need to be able to tell your partner what makes you happy.
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But typically, men have a higher sex drive than women. I'm kind of unique, I guess.
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But I think women's sex drive would be more if they were more pleased with their sexual experiences.
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But there is a desire discrepancy, too.
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Sometimes men have more sex desire and sometimes women.
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There are men, as we get older as well, ladies, that their sexual desire is
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going to go down because they can't perform.
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They may not be able to hold an erection. They may need to start taking all
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kinds of different supplements to assist.
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Or maybe they're just not as connected to you.
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Sometimes that connection wanes and you have to reignite the spark. I know I...
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I tried to do that with a trip to Europe once. Didn't really work very well,
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but you can reignite your spark.
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You can take them on a trip. You can go to a sexual counselor.
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You can go to a therapist that specializes in intimacy between partners.
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If you're having issues sexually and you're just not aligning with how frequent
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you have it or want it and how frequently you desire your partner,
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either you're misaligned and you were probably misaligned from
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the beginning or something's changed and you need
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to figure that out is it hormones is it erectile dysfunction
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on your partner's side is it they're too rough they're
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too gentle they don't kiss you the way you like to be kissed i
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mean because kissing again guys is a big part of sex it really is you found
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each other and that's a hard thing to do in this world if we're really honest
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with each other it's hard to connect with people you may have a surface level
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connection but a deep connection is hard to find so but if you're with someone
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for a long period of time you've obviously connected.
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So find out where that connection is and try to make your desires come closer to matching.
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Sometimes people have spontaneous desires. Now, I know people use alcohol a
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lot to have a spontaneous desire and other people have responsive desires.
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If a woman signals to a man that she wants to be intimate with him,
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the man is more likely to jump on it.
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Whereas a man, if he singles to a woman, she may delay having sex because she's just not into it.
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Well, why is she not being pleased? Is she not satisfied?
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You really have to talk to a therapist at some point if you're.
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The root cause of some of these problems. But women are often less inclined to have sex.
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And I will say a lot of it may be the mental load and the stress we take on.
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Because if we're running everything and we feel like our partners are not helping
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out, we tend to want to have less sex with them. It just happens.
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The mental load and the stress alone, it's a desire killer, ladies.
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Our brain is our largest sex organ because when we have orgasms,
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a lot of our orgasm is mental.
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Whereas men it's very transactional it's feeling once
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they're done they're done but for us it's mental if we can't
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relax and feel safe and respected how we're having sex
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we don't have orgasms i will say when i feel very safe and respected my orgasms
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are much more intense i feel i feel amazing you can also have multiple orgasms
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then as well relationship safety if you have resentment towards your partner
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or you feel unseen or they disrespect you often especially disrespect,
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ladies. It shuts me down.
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Disrespect is like my trigger. If somebody disrespects me, I don't care how
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horny I was before. I am done. I don't want to have sex with you. I'm done.
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My body just doesn't do anything. It's like I you killed.
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It's a libido killer for me. I bet it is for a lot of other women and a lot
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of women are being disrespected and feel like they're being disrespected.
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It kills our libidos, guys. So if you want to have sex with a woman and you
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are and you are being disrespectful to her during the day and then you come home and you act like,
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oh, I want to have sex with you, she's going to say no way in hell.
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And rightfully so. Because if you're disrespectful during the day to a woman
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and then you come back at the end of the day and you expect her to perform,
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we don't turn it on and off like that.
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Guys, they could be disrespected all day long and if a woman signaled,
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hey, I want to have sex, they'd jump on it.
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Whereas women, we have to have respect with the sex.
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So I think a lot of the...
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Less the decreased sex drive in women, as well as the number of times women
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want to have sex is, A, we're not getting pleased correctly,
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and B, we're getting disrespected throughout the day. When that happens, women just shut down.
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So men, learn to treat your woman like a princess, and learn to respect her,
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and you will find that you get a ton more sex, probably closer to the amount
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of sex you're looking for anyway.
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But relationship safety is also a killer. If in your relationship,
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your wife or your girlfriend is resentful or
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feeling unseen she's just going to shut down as well we do
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have responsive desire so when a man maybe starts giving
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us a foot massage or we will respond to
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desire as well but it has to start with the willingness to connect and you have
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to be connected as the desire will build your arousal but without the connection
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it doesn't sustain long term then there's also pain when women are going through
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menopause a lot of times there's a dryness problem. I'm going to talk briefly.
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There is what's called an O-Shot that can help with stimulating your sexual desire.
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Okay, now it's not the most comfortable.
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Then there's also hormonal therapy to help with the dryness.
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So typically the dryness is caused, I believe, by lack of hormones,
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but you'd have to go to a hormone specialist to see where your hormones are
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in balance and how much to take. But hormones, less...
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Less estrogen, less progesterone, can call dryness. When it gets dry, it gets irritated.
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There's an oil that you can get that will help with the dryness,
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but it's more of an external oil. There's coconut oil that's amazing as well.
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Coconut oil helps with the dryness too. If you want to use like external products,
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you can if you're looking for something internal or something to help with the dryness.
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But really, honestly, if you have the right connection with a partner,
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the dryness tends to go away anyway.
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But the coconut oil will help and then make sure your hormones are balanced,
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and that will help with the dryness and take away the pain and discomfort.
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That happens premenopause, perimenopause, postmenopausal. It happens.
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Then sex can get painful because if you're dry and you don't get wet for your
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partner, it gets very painful very quickly.
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Then what happens is you want to avoid the pain, so then you don't want sex as often.
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That can happen as well. Let's make sure that you're happy down there and it's
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not causing you pain when you have sex, and that will help with your sex drive.
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Then there's body image. I know women as they get older, they've gained a little
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bit of weight or they're tired and they might just be tired because they're
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going through menopause.
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But the body image, feeling unattractive or tired or disconnected happens.
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Men out there, if you can make your woman feel respected and loved and let her
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know that you find her sexy and you care for her, that will go a long way to
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making sure that she still wants to have sex with you.
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I'm trying to help you out here, guys. I really am. But you've got to take care
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of your person, and she's your person for a reason.
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Because it goes deeper than sex. We all want that connection.
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We all want that companionship. If you find a person that can provide all of
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it in one person, you might want to stick with them and keep them for a while.
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They might be your one. They might be your soulmate, and you just don't know.
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If you can find that and it's amazing, make sure you make her feel attractive
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as well. She should be respectful to you and make you feel attractive.
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And then there's medications and hormones.
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Medications can make like birth control pills if you have thyroid medication that you're on.
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So you need to talk to your doctor if you're having dry issues, low libido, etc.
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Because honestly, I think a normal libido, at least for me, would be sex at least once a day.
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There's nothing wrong with that. In fact, it helps with your mood.
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It helps with your joy. It helps with your happiness.
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Remember, sex once a day is not a problem. I think if everybody was having sex
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once a day, there'd be no problems in this planet because we would all be happier
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and getting more stuff done.
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All right, so let's talk about stimulation. Women like external stimulation
22:31
more than internal, guys. It's just true.
22:33
A lot of movies make it look like you kiss a few times and you go to wham-bam,
22:37
thank you, man, the woman gets off and it's over.
22:39
That's not the way it works. Most women want to have external stimulation first.
22:43
Only about 18% of women say that intercourse alone is sufficient for orgasms.
22:49
So that means you've had no foreplay.
22:52
You don't kiss. You don't play with your girlfriend's nipples or wife's nipples,
22:57
which are a very big stimulant during sex for most women. You do no clitoral stimulation.
23:02
They just don't have an orgasm. Okay, so if you're simulating your woman's clitoris,
23:09
then close to 37% of women said that they can have an orgasm during intercourse
23:15
if you're stimulating that at the same time.
23:17
But, you know, most people think it's required to stimulate the clitoris in
23:21
order to make an orgasm better as well. If you stimulate the clitoris.
23:25
And you stimulate internally, then more women will have sex.
23:30
Statistic that only 65% of women are having orgasms internally versus 80% that
23:39
have external stimulation.
23:40
Most women need the external stimulation to have an orgasm, and 65% of women
23:46
can have it internally. But here's the trick.
23:49
On the 80%, if you get the women off externally first, a lot more will be inclined
23:54
and possible to have an internal after the external orgasm.
23:58
Remember that if you want to give your girlfriend or wife the most comfort,
24:04
make sure you do an external stimulation first and then you can go have sex.
24:08
That's the best way to do it.
24:10
Internal orgasms will be bigger if she does have them. Some women don't have
24:13
internal orgasms. Some women don't have internal orgasms with you.
24:17
The reason why I'm saying that is because you're not making them feel safe or respected.
24:21
So they can't let their mind slow down enough to actually have an orgasm.
24:25
Or if they do, they have to work really hard to make it happen.
24:28
That's a lot of mental focus for a woman to have an orgasm. A lot of women were
24:33
meant just for external stimulation.
24:35
It's just part of our system. It's the way we are.
24:38
Realize most women will love external. Now it doesn't have to be oral sex.
24:42
Oral sex is wonderful for women. It can just be, you know, hands or.
24:47
I mean, And even oral sex with nipple play, those types of things will make
24:51
someone more likely to have an orgasm.
24:54
Then there's the multi-orgasmic women. Now, not all women are multi-orgasmic.
24:58
The ones that are, I think we like sex more often.
25:01
Most women experience multiple orgasms after a little bit of recovery time.
25:05
Now, you can have what's called rolling orgasms, where you have one right after the other.
25:09
But it's going to vary. And it kind of depends on your partner.
25:13
Because I've been with...
25:15
A partner that I can only have one orgasm with, and then I've been with another
25:18
partner where I can have two, three, or four orgasms with them.
25:22
So it really does depend on who you're with. There's different types of orgasms.
25:26
So the clitoral-focused orgasm is what we were talking about earlier.
25:29
This is the most common pathway for a woman to have an orgasm.
25:33
So men, even if you just finger her or fondle her clitoris prior to sex,
25:38
it's going to stimulate things down there and make the sex more intense for a woman.
25:43
So clitoral-focused orgasms are great, and most women will always love those.
25:47
And then there's the vaginal cervical orgasm, which is just an internal orgasm,
25:52
and that varies, depends on the person.
25:55
And it's not just the woman. It matters about the guy, too.
25:59
There can be guys that are too big. They're not getting the vaginal orgasm and
26:04
arousal like they should.
26:05
Smaller guys might be better. Now, there's small guys that you don't feel anything,
26:09
and therefore the orgasm doesn't arouse you either.
26:13
So just you got to find a partner that matches your anatomy.
26:17
Once you find a partner that matches your anatomy and you can have internal
26:20
orgasms with them, it's amazing.
26:22
Then there's the blended orgasm.
26:24
That's kind of a combination between internal and external orgasms.
26:29
It's an orgasm that happens from both. I found that if you have an orgasm.
26:35
If you stimulate the clitoris, the orgasms are a little bit more intense when you're having.
26:40
It's like a longer orgasm. It's
26:42
a deeper orgasm. It's almost like a whole body orgasm. It relaxes you.
26:47
It makes you, afterwards, you might have little twitches.
26:50
You feel like you just flooded, if you will, down there, ladies.
26:53
And usually the guy feels that too. But it's one of the best orgasms ever.
26:57
It feels very good. And it makes you feel safe in your body.
27:01
And there's rolling orgasms where one orgasm happens and then you think you're done.
27:05
And then another orgasm happens like just 30 seconds later without much of a
27:09
reset time. That happens as well.
27:12
Multi-orgasmic women. I mean, I will tell you, when you get to the point where
27:15
you're having multiple orgasms at every sexual encounter, then you're going
27:19
to be driving the sex, ladies.
27:21
That's the truth. If you're having orgasm after orgasm, you're going to want more and more sex.
27:26
And the guys are not going to, they might be a little afraid,
27:28
I will say, because then you're going to be pushing for the sex and they will be running away from it.
27:34
Well, not necessarily running away, just not as ready to go as you,
27:38
especially if you're in your 50s because you're going to be pushing so hard
27:42
and they'll be like, I need a break.
27:43
Remember that it might be a lot for a man when they see a woman that drives
27:47
sex as much, if not more, than they ever did.
27:49
Menopause and post-menopause sexual this
27:52
is a game changer too there is it's called genital urinary syndrome for menopause
27:58
or of menopause so this is what happens when you get dry when you get irritated
28:03
down there you might get urinary issues more often utis it can be painful it's commonly treatable but.
28:11
It can be a problem. That is pretty normal for people in menopause.
28:16
Women have to address the discomfort with lubrication, sometimes pelvic floor
28:20
support, and there's other medical options. There's surgeries.
28:23
There's different things you can do. It depends on the extreme of your situation.
28:28
I know I suffered from dryness for a while, so I'm right there with you if you're
28:33
a woman out there suffering from dryness after menopause.
28:36
Lubricants can help, but honestly, I'm kind of a believer if you get the right
28:40
partner and they you connect with them well and they take care of you in the
28:44
right ways The dryness will go away Now you may be dry throughout the day and
28:48
may need some moisturizer down there when you're not having sex as well I think you know,
28:52
honestly coconut oil is pretty good Then just make sure your estrogen and and
28:56
progesterone levels are correct.
28:57
That will go a long way That should help with the dryness, but the dryness can
29:01
be painful for a time until you get it under control Post-menopause is kind of fun, ladies.
29:07
We don't have to worry about getting pregnant. There's no pregnancy anxiety
29:11
at all because you've already gone through menopause.
29:13
You also know your body and you know your boundaries and you know what you're
29:17
comfortable with and you know what you want to do.
29:20
I think post-menopause is an amazing time to have sex. I think I am the most
29:24
liberated I've ever been.
29:26
I want sex more than I did in my 20s. Honestly, I think sex is amazing in our
29:31
50s. I think that's, I think honestly that's when we're in our prime.
29:35
I think our 50-year-old sex is amazing and I'm definitely in my prime for sure.
29:40
But there's pillars that you have to hit when you're connecting sexually.
29:45
The first one is connection and daily connection and closeness, not just sex.
29:50
If you're like fighting all day long, now some people say makeup sex is great,
29:53
but I'm not a fan of fighting and then having sex.
29:56
I need the connection during the day. The simple pats on the butt, the looks, the...
30:01
Flirtiness, the hand-holding, those things are connection throughout the day.
30:05
That leads up to sex, guys. So if you're wanting to have sex and you're not
30:09
even holding your girlfriend's hand there, you might not be getting any tonight.
30:12
You got to give the connection first. And then kissing and touch.
30:16
So kissing, so important.
30:18
That shows affection and that you're not just transactionally wanting to have
30:22
sex. Now, every kiss should not lead to sex.
30:25
Otherwise, they know that all you're doing is kissing them for sex.
30:28
You should just be able to give quick kisses and quick I love you's and quick,
30:32
you know, connection issues.
30:34
Connection is important. Kissing is important and touch is important.
30:37
And you've got to respect each other because if there's resentment going on,
30:42
you're not even going to want to have foreplay.
30:43
You're not going to be able to get into the bedroom because if you do not respect
30:48
your girlfriend or you treat them like crap, they're not going to want to be with you, period.
30:52
It's the biggest reason why women say, I don't want to be with this guy.
30:55
We may not have an issue of women not wanting to have sex. we may have an issue
30:59
of men not being able to respect their girlfriends and their wives.
31:02
Because if they're not being respected, they're not going to want to be with you.
31:05
Then you also have alignment. I mean, what are your expectations of sex?
31:08
I have told people that I've dated that I have a high libido,
31:11
but then they see how high my libido is and they're shocked,
31:15
especially if they're in their 50s or 60s.
31:17
Because, you know, like I said, most people in their 50s are having sex twice
31:20
a month, whereas once to twice a month. And I'm wanting to have it once to twice a day.
31:25
My libido is a little bit higher than most. You have to make sure you're aligned
31:30
with whoever you want to be with, and they can come to your expectations.
31:34
It might be exhausting for some men. You may have a higher libido than they do, or you may not.
31:39
I mean, everybody's a little bit different. But if you do have a higher libido,
31:43
just realize you need to find somebody that aligns with you.
31:45
Also, what's the definition of intimacy for you? For instance,
31:48
for me, I like to snuggle after intercourse.
31:52
It doesn't have to be long. It doesn't have to be like one person laying on
31:55
top of the other. just holding hands and being close to me as intimate after.
32:00
If you want to do like a little spoon or a big spoon, that's fine.
32:04
But just being close to someone is intimate enough. That intimacy is nice.
32:08
Now, I'm not a talker after sex. I kind of just, I'm kind of like exhausted,
32:13
especially if it was good sex.
32:15
I'm not a big chatty, chatty Cathy, as they say. But other people are,
32:19
if you want to talk a little bit.
32:21
But it's probably not the time to set out your goals and ambitions right after sex.
32:26
It's kind of a more mellow type of timing. And some people, you know,
32:30
some people look at sex as just a way to procreate. I look at sex as a pleasurable thing.
32:34
To me, it means that you can be with a person that you love,
32:38
that you can connect with somebody, and you have some companionship.
32:41
If it's low, don't panic.
32:42
There's ways to increase it, too. But get curious.
32:45
Do you have too much stress? Are you having pain? Are you just not connected to your partner?
32:50
I mean, there's so many reasons why people have less sex. Are you resenting
32:55
them? Are there hormone issues? Are there physical issues?
32:58
You know, if you're not having sex at a higher frequency, you're having some unmet emotional needs.
33:03
Lack of sex can make it so you're sad. Lack of sex can make it so that you're
33:08
not connecting well with your partner because sex is part of connection.
33:11
It's not the only part of connection, but it's a big part.
33:14
One thing to remember is the lower desire partner is going to set the pace.
33:19
So if you want to have more sex and your husband has less desire than you,
33:25
you're going to have to find a way to increase his desire. And men,
33:27
if you want more sex, you're going to have to find a way to crease your wife's desire.
33:31
Now, women are actually pretty easy because you just need to show them respect
33:35
and make them feel safe and they will be more in tune.
33:38
Now, you also are going to have to give them an orgasm here and there,
33:41
like I would think every single time.
33:43
Because if a woman's not getting an orgasm at every single intercourse session,
33:46
then she's not going to want to be with you.
33:48
Most women don't orgasm from intercourse alone. Some do.
33:51
But it's normal for women to not orgasm from sex, guys. It's very normal.
33:57
So remember, you need to make sure that she's pleased. Sex alone,
34:01
if she's not getting an orgasm, she's not going to want to be with you very often.
34:05
Floor play can start in the kitchen. It can start outside.
34:08
It can start holding hands at a restaurant. It can start anywhere.
34:12
But you got to make her feel respected throughout the day for her to want to actually be with you.
34:17
Her desire is going to be responsive to you. And if you're desiring her and
34:21
very, you know, at her level.
34:23
Hopefully, you have a reciprocal relationship and it comes back to you.
34:28
But stop waiting to feel it and start building conditions for it.
34:32
Don't make excuses for your failing sex life because it's on both people.
34:37
And if you're not getting enough sex, then start respecting her more and giving
34:40
her signs that she can be safe and treating her well and you'll get more sex.
34:44
But she also needs to make sure the sex is not painful.
34:47
If a woman's super dry, you guys are going to have to use some lubricant or
34:51
it's going to be painful long term. Okay?
34:53
And painful sex, it doesn't mean you're broken. It just means you need to look into it.
34:57
And women can also have growths and other types of things that can cause pain during sex. Cancer.
35:03
So get yourself checked out if your sex is painful.
35:06
Your body needs help. Whether it's hormonal help or if it's something else,
35:10
your body needs some assistance.
35:12
Then focus on the quality of sex. Not the quantity. Although I think you can have both.
35:17
But quality of sex does matter. A great sex life is usually the side effect
35:21
of a great emotional life, so a great connection with your partner, a great love.
35:26
And the more connected you are with your partner, the more you're going to want
35:29
to have sex with them. So I hope that helped.
35:31
It's not how many, it's not the quantity, it's the quality, but the quantity does matter too.
35:36
And it matters because the more sex you have, the happier you'll probably be,
35:40
as long as the sex is not painful. So I hope that helps with everybody.
35:44
I wanted to kind of give you a high overview of frequency of sex and the art
35:50
of having sexual experiences.
35:52
And you take this with you. Maybe try to have sex just one or two times more
35:57
per week and see how it goes. But I wish you the best in your sexual life.
36:00
This is Diva Mia signing off. Have a wonderful day.
36:05
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36:09
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