Latest / Cage Match: A Roundabout Way of Meeting Nicolas Cage / Fire Birds

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Fire Birds · Cage Match: A Roundabout Way of Meeting Nicolas Cage

0:01
Oh, God. I think I was maybe turning 23 or something.
0:24
I looked at my friends. I was like, you know
0:27
what? I've never robo tripped. So for my birthday,
0:30
I threw myself a robo -tripping party where everybody
0:32
dressed like robots. And then we just drank a
0:35
bunch of Robitussin DM and got fucked up in my
0:39
buddy's backyard. And then you've just got a
0:42
bunch of robots puking in the backyard the whole
0:45
night and then just feeling like shit. Like I
0:48
would not recommend robo -tripping unless you're
0:51
like seven, like 15. If you're 15 and you're
0:55
listening to this podcast. And you can't find
0:57
some adult to buy you real liquor. And you live
1:01
in a state that can't get you drugs with normal
1:04
availability. Say you're a loser and you don't
1:07
have a pot guy. Get yourself some Robitussin
1:11
DM. Yeah, hit the tussin. Robitussin's harder
1:15
to get at this point than like fucking just beer.
1:17
Oh, definitely the DM because it gets you fucked
1:19
up. A bunch of losers can't properly trip. Robo
1:24
trip. I don't know, more robo -tripping. I want
1:27
to say something to any person that might actually
1:30
take Nick's advice on this one, any potential
1:33
teenagers listening to this podcast. Why are
1:35
you listening to this podcast? This isn't for
1:38
you. No, and holy smokes. Hey, man, we're hot
1:41
with the teens. Yeah, and the teens are into
1:44
drinking Robitussin. Yeah, they should be. Speaking
1:48
of like gas station liquor, did you ever see
1:51
those like hard things? It's fucking like, it's
1:53
like a jar of like fucking liquor, like a Mason
1:56
jar of like, are you just talking about buzz
1:58
balls? My, I don't know. My buddy Scott, whenever
2:02
his like girlfriend was at a living girlfriend
2:04
was out of town, he'd want to like go drinking,
2:07
but he didn't drink beer. So like I'd go buy
2:09
a six pack and he'd get two of those like Apple
2:12
Jacks, like just Mason jars of like. flavored
2:15
liquor and just get fucked up and just start
2:17
yelling at me about how, you know, he was a golden
2:20
God and shit. It was fun. Yeah. That's awesome.
2:23
Uh, so you started that story with talking about
2:27
this guy's live in girlfriend, but through your
2:30
cadence, all I heard was living girlfriend. And
2:33
I was like, Oh, he's got a dead girlfriend too.
2:35
Look at him with his alive. This guy's got a
2:39
hot nightlife. Like when living girlfriends too
2:42
tired or has a headache. Good thing I got dead
2:45
girlfriend. The moral of the story was don't
2:49
drink with amateurs or don't drink with tourists.
2:51
If you're going to drink, drink with alcoholics.
2:53
Yeah, that's fair. Although a friend of mine,
2:55
he's now five years sober, but like he was one
2:59
of those people that like if you drank with him,
3:01
you got in trouble, like guaranteed. It was like
3:04
you ended up on a roof sometime. Oh, cool. Why
3:07
are we up here? It's like, I don't know. You
3:08
want to fight? Maybe. OK, he brought the big
3:12
balls. He brought the big balls to the party.
3:14
This dude needs to stop being sober because sobriety
3:15
is not his thing. Yeah. Clearly, he and I are
3:18
kindred spirits. His name is Mike Primavera,
3:21
which is a tight ass name. Are you fucking kidding
3:23
me? isn't that amazing my middle name is mike
3:27
and i want a primavera with this guy absolutely
3:30
i don't know what that means but i like getting
3:33
on roofs and i like fighting yeah i think isn't
3:35
primavera just like a bunch of vegetables and
3:37
a pasta i don't know it doesn't sound as badass
3:40
when you put it that way but yeah no it sounds
3:42
pretty italian and that's pretty shitty fuck
3:45
italians peter peter you sent me a what a sticker
3:50
a sticker yeah about the big balls oh yeah the
3:53
big ball sticker i didn't know what i meant until
3:55
now our big blue balls yeah it's better than
3:58
the blue one yeah no this definitely tastes like
4:02
uh you know those jugs of like pre -made margarita
4:06
mix that you just add the tequila to yeah it's
4:09
one of the chilies i know or less than that baby
4:12
back ribs Chili's baby back ribs, barbecue sauce.
4:18
Oh, fuck yeah. How is it that we don't have a
4:21
sponsor yet? I know. Yeah. Why would, why would
4:24
we not have a sponsor at this point? Chili's
4:27
is having a giant comeback. Are they? Yeah. Yeah.
4:30
It's a thing. I don't know. I don't know. Maybe
4:33
we go. Yeah. Yeah. I would do a Chili's night.
4:37
I mean, I would eat at a Chili's. I actually
4:39
kind of liked their food when I worked there
4:40
because I got a super cheap discount. But you
4:42
were that makes a lot of things more palatable.
4:46
When I worked at McDonald's, I got a sick discount
4:49
and I ate McDonald's a lot. Right. But one time.
4:54
Oh, my God. So one time we had a company party
4:57
and. We were like down on the beach, down on
5:01
the river beach, because that's what we had.
5:03
And what is a river beach called? It's the beach
5:07
part of the river. It's the sandy, rocky shore.
5:10
It's water meets dirt. So everybody like everybody's
5:15
clowning on me because I showed up to the river
5:18
beach party with like two bags. I had like, I
5:23
would say maybe like 40. McDonald's cheeseburgers
5:27
because I got them 50 % off. Hell yeah. So they
5:30
were like 20 some odd cents each at this point.
5:33
And they're like, Nick, we all work at McDonald's.
5:36
Why did you bring McDonald's cheeseburgers? Well,
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you know what didn't happen? The dude who was
5:41
supposed to bring the barbecue, he didn't show
5:43
up until like two hours later. You know who had
5:46
hamburgers for everybody? Me. Yeah. Life of the
5:49
party. Yeah. It was fucking sad. Welcome back
5:55
to Cage Match, colon around about Wade meeting
5:56
Nicolas Cage. I'm your host, Sean, here with
5:58
my co -host. Nick. And our producer. Peter, hello.
6:06
And welcoming back our favorite guest, Eric.
6:10
Thanks, Sean. Our favorite topless guest, Eric.
6:18
Yeah, you might be our first one to actually
6:19
lose a shirt. And tonight we're discussing...
6:22
Oh, what is this podcast even about anymore,
6:24
Peter? I don't know. I mean, at this point, like,
6:27
maybe Nick Cage movies, but this one, at least
6:30
he's in as a star. Yeah, we are in the starring
6:34
roles of Nicolas Cage again. Yeah. Before we
6:37
forget, as we have done for the past few weeks,
6:40
we're talking about Firebirds this week, starring
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Nicolas Cage, Sean Young, and... Tommy Lee Jones,
6:47
baby. Tommy Lee Jones. And a definitively middle
6:50
-aged Tommy Lee Jones. When they threw a 40th
6:53
birthday party, I was like, I've been having
6:56
a really hard time with that. I did look it up.
6:59
He was 44 when he recorded this. And I was like,
7:02
he still looks like shit. That man looks like
7:04
he is 90. That man looks like he smoked in the
7:07
womb. He looked like he was getting sponsored
7:11
by Just For Men's. Like that hair color was rich.
7:18
All right. So we're having a hard time being
7:20
the same age as Tommy Lee Jones. Yeah. Hey, I'm
7:23
not that old yet. Just as old as his character.
7:27
But I feel all the same aches and pains. I'm
7:30
technically older than his character. Like when
7:32
I stand up, I have back pain and I identify with
7:36
his character. He only had back pain after he
7:39
got punched in the face. That's true. He did
7:41
get fucking rocked. Yeah. Which when you're 41
7:45
or 40 in his case, quote unquote. Freshly 40.
7:50
Yeah. My favorite kind of 40. How's everyone?
7:53
How's everyone? How's middle age treating everybody?
7:55
No way better than Tommy Lee Jones. Better than
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Tommy Lee Jones. Holy smokes. Again, that was.
8:02
If we're going to jump straight to quotes, it
8:05
was going to be. I'm 40. Like, oh, yeah, nice.
8:08
It's like, oh, shit. You can give your quote
8:10
whenever. This show's never had good structure.
8:12
Yeah. Kind of like my underwear. Ew. No, I'm
8:19
aging very gracefully, actually. My grays come
8:23
in in a very nice combination of Reed Richards
8:27
and Ra's al Ghul. love it clearly the best ways
8:31
to gray out that's what i want i want that but
8:35
still all black from the neck up well celebrate
8:40
that as long as you can you know yeah i don't
8:42
think you can celebrate blackface at all actually
8:45
anymore sean you need to like let that one go
8:50
it's 2025 i walked into that I don't think I
8:59
hurt any more than I used to hurt. But I admittedly
9:04
party less hard than I used to. So I wake up
9:09
on less piles of gravel. When was the last time
9:12
you had a fight on a roof? Roof fight, roof fight,
9:16
roof fight. God, I mean, long enough. I can't
9:18
even identify when. So disappointing. We've got
9:22
a holiday weekend coming up. And honestly, check
9:26
back in next week. I don't know about roof fight,
9:28
but there's definitely opportunities to punch
9:31
people in the face. There's going to be a woodland
9:32
fight. It's going to go wild. Yeah. I'm going
9:35
to bring buzz balls. That's my contribution to
9:37
this weekend. Oh, my God. You have to sneak them
9:40
into the wedding, actually. So just in your pants,
9:42
two gigantic buzz ball biggies. Well, do I have
9:46
to buy the biggies to get the little buzzy? Or
9:49
do I need to get normal? i'm pretty sure to get
9:53
a little buzzy you just gotta have to you have
9:55
somebody pretend to be a lady for a little bit
9:56
okay wait tell me again the rules on getting
10:03
a little buzzy so uh and for the people who clearly
10:07
think i'm just an idiot uh saying nonsense a
10:10
little buzzy is a buzz ball themed that's what
10:17
they're called yeah i i'm hip i know what this
10:20
is uh this is why the teenagers listen to our
10:23
podcast exactly for this and my hot robitussin
10:28
dm tips you need to you need to quote grab 10
10:32
balls to get a labuzzy all at once i'm pretty
10:35
sure you got 10 balls in hand any retailer uh
10:38
sure can i just go to my you can just demand
10:41
a labuzzy wherever I'm going to go down to my
10:44
local shell station and I'm just going to ask,
10:47
show me your LaBuzzy and I'm going to start like
10:51
piling balls on the fuzzy LaBuzzy. Give me your
10:54
your fuzzy LaBuzzy, sir or madam. OK, there are
10:59
no women who work at my shell station. Sean,
11:01
get us on track. No, this is gold. So Firebirds,
11:07
Eric, what was the plot of this film? Give us
11:09
the plot rundown. Other than starting with a
11:11
George Herman Walker Bush quote. What was that
11:14
one? I don't remember what it said. Something
11:16
about rah -rah America. It was basically like
11:19
a war on drugs thing. Yeah. Which is dumb. Yeah,
11:22
fucking drugs rule. I mean, even if drugs didn't
11:26
rule, the war on drugs was dumb. That's true.
11:28
It's a loser. America doesn't do losers for at
11:31
least another. 20 years. All right, Eric, guide
11:35
us through this movie. Firebirds, 1990. Director,
11:38
David Green. George Herman Walker Bush. I mean,
11:41
what? A lot was going on. Well, when we started,
11:44
I thought it was just going to be a a what? Top
11:48
gun. Clone. Yeah, yeah. Clone. It happened right
11:51
after the original Top Gun. And yeah, it was
11:55
kind of. Which is a hot time to make these. It
11:57
was. Yeah, it was a helicopter Top Gun. Helicopter.
12:01
Yeah. It's like Airwolf. Yes, but Top Gun Nicolas
12:06
Cage. But I really I really enjoyed how they
12:10
were talking about the cartel as if it's singular.
12:13
And that could have been there might have just
12:15
been one at the time. That's true. Like now there
12:19
are cartels competition. I'm pretty sure we were
12:22
just dealing with one of the time to get them.
12:25
Yeah, cartel. oh man i fucking loved how they
12:31
what eric coulter is that his name uh the the
12:35
the mean the mean helicopter pilot the bad guy
12:39
the bad guy stoller eric stoller yeah anytime
12:43
they had fucking um fucking briefs army briefs
12:48
oh yeah you're doing army briefs and you're talking
12:50
about the guy and he's just there like just doing
12:53
like just like uzi yeah as opposed to army boxers
12:59
which we get to later botches and briefs jokes
13:03
like this guy good this guy's this guy's really
13:06
evil and he's just like uzi next to his side
13:08
or just like looking like looking off to the
13:12
side really bad yeah did you guys look at any
13:15
of this guy's uh like other acting credits etc
13:18
fuck no oh my god okay so the actor's name is
13:21
burt ryan hell yeah i was like okay he's probably
13:24
been in nothing else and i was dead on but what
13:27
he was very very successful at for a while was
13:30
producing like low rent soft core porn Oh, my
13:35
God. Yeah. I can't believe I didn't know his
13:37
name. So Bert Ryan. All those fucking shots were
13:41
from his softcore porn days. Listen to some of
13:43
these titles. Best buns on the beach. Yes. Perfect
13:46
body content. Of course. The wildest office strip
13:50
party. And then he gets into a real niche. Nude
13:53
stretching. Nude Tai Chi. And nude cigar smoking.
13:58
What? Oh, man. You guys, you guys want to go
14:02
smoke cigars down at Denny Blaine later? But
14:07
yeah, anyway, they do. They paint him as like
14:08
the most badass motherfucker that's ever existed,
14:11
which like I get it. Being a badass helicopter
14:14
pilot is cool, but also kind of not that cool.
14:17
I like that he's presented himself as like the
14:20
Darth Vader of cartel. He gets in the TIE fighter
14:24
and shoots people down. You are a weak -ass cartel
14:27
boss if you are out there doing the killing yourself.
14:31
He's not the boss. He's not in something so dangerous
14:34
as helicopter. He's just a contractor. They said
14:37
that he went to terrorist school. I forget where
14:43
it started, but he ended in North Korea. They
14:46
really need to shut that place down. They should
14:49
really shut that school down. don't worry did
14:52
he get college credit now at the trade school
14:57
well yeah in north korea yeah of course uh okay
15:01
so clearly i didn't pay enough attention to that
15:04
element of the story he was not the cartel boss
15:07
i thought he was cartel boss he's cartel cover
15:09
oh he just protects their bodyguard he's their
15:12
helicopter bodyguard helicopter bodyguard yeah
15:15
this movie is fucking stupid i wish i had a helicopter
15:18
bodyguard actually and every time i'm like about
15:21
to have trouble like say i'm driving home and
15:24
like a cop comes to pull me over like my helicopter
15:27
just comes out from over beacon hill just right
15:30
over the hill and it's just like ready fucking
15:32
scorpion he's just right there on rainier and
15:35
it's like oh shit okay maybe we won't pull this
15:37
guy over you're you're on team scorpion then
15:40
yeah obviously I don't think I have room around
15:45
my home for an Apache to land. To your point,
15:48
Nick, they like build this guy up who has no
15:51
speaking lines in this film. Zero. None. 90 %
15:56
of the film, 90 % of his like screen time is
15:59
like our headshots. I love the fucking headshots.
16:03
They're oozy. They're supposed to be like telephoto
16:06
lens photos from like spies. And they're just
16:09
dudes like they're just. Justice headshots. It's
16:12
great. Yeah. It's pretty incredible. He's got
16:16
like the most non -existent, non -threatening
16:18
role. He kind of gets in every once in a while.
16:22
But again, if you're doing army recon photos
16:25
and you're just like, oh shit, he's just putting
16:27
a gun in this guy's mouth and then just like,
16:30
oh yeah, what else he put in that mouth? softcore
16:33
porno nude stretching right there bad guy bad
16:36
guy nude cigar smoking this was your audition
16:40
this is how we got into it oh man okay so yeah
16:45
what other plot line is there so there's that
16:47
guy no there's a bunch jones is supposed to teach
16:51
nick cage what are these characters names nick
16:54
cage is jake preston Holy shit. That's the...
16:58
So Jake Preston is like the hotshot young helicopter
17:01
pilot who survives an encounter with... He's
17:05
the best. He's absolutely the best. He's the
17:08
greatest! I'm the greatest! I'm the greatest!
17:12
I'm the greatest! I can't wait to be playing
17:16
a video game downstairs in like a week. Like,
17:20
I'm just fucking playing. I don't know. Put your
17:22
monocle on. Yeah. Put my monocle and my top hat
17:26
on. I'm just like, I'm the greatest. Josie's
17:29
going to be like, you're the fucking dumbest.
17:31
Again, then we get to that. He puts the monocle
17:34
down. Oh, shit. Eye disparity. Right. Yeah. That
17:39
fucking. right eye dominant oh shit eyeball dominance
17:43
that was that was a big part of the film it is
17:46
a real thing but so that's the thing that was
17:48
kind of i mean yes it is a real thing that's
17:50
the thing that kind of blew me away about this
17:51
movie do you guys want to give a little context
17:53
to the listener no no uh you're right i actually
17:58
would uh so i have driven drunk with one eye
18:01
several times what's your dominant drunk eye
18:05
uh well i actually used to have the same uh the
18:08
same apparatus as they were using in the movie.
18:11
Okay. Uh, with the, uh, helicopter pilot helmet
18:15
with the, uh, yeah, where they made the periscope
18:18
with the one eyeball periscope. Yeah. Okay. That's
18:21
how I use same red panties. So nothing's more
18:25
inconspicuous than driving down the road after
18:28
a few beers with red panties on your head and
18:31
a periscope sticking out your driver window.
18:33
Yeah. The sunroof. Okay. So for the listeners,
18:38
Jake Preston is a helicopter pilot and he has
18:43
a eye dominance problem where he for the Apache,
18:46
you have to have your one of your eyes is in
18:48
an actual like screen viewer and the other is
18:51
viewing. real life out the window but his are
18:54
opposite yeah he's left eye dominant so he can't
18:57
do it and he has a really shitty time one time
19:00
in the helicopter when he's in the bag and he
19:02
fails his test and he feels like a piece of shit
19:05
because he is the greatest but not that day so
19:08
he has to go and figure out his shit by wearing
19:12
a pair of panties on his head and using a periscope
19:14
out the window yeah tommy lee jones teaches him
19:16
the way he had like learned eye dominant stuff
19:21
which you know i guess in the 80s uh well it
19:27
would be the 60s 70s i guess this is supposed
19:31
to happen i think it's the 80s well it would
19:32
have been 20 years prior to the movie takes place
19:36
in 1989 correct yeah so 20 years prior 69 nice
19:41
and tommy lee jones is driving around with panties
19:44
on his head you know what that's a cool movie
19:47
Well, yeah, all right. That would be a cooler
19:49
movie. I do like, though, that they're like,
19:51
I'm going to teach you this trick by letting
19:54
you drive at speed on an active army base while
19:59
being practically blindfolded. Next to, like,
20:02
the fucking general. Yeah. Oh, hello, general
20:05
and your wife. Don't mind this weird fucking
20:07
apparatus. Yeah, as we blast through ditches
20:11
at high speeds. Yeah. Because you're an Apache
20:14
driver. You can't drive slow. No, you're the
20:16
greatest pilot, not a driver. But yeah, this
20:19
movie, there's so much shit that goes into like
20:21
the final showdown with Captain Porno. that like
20:25
i was like two -thirds or more into it where
20:28
i was like nothing has nothing has happened this
20:30
movie was insanely boring for what the movie's
20:34
like 120 some odd minutes long yeah i mean it's
20:37
still insanely boring for the entire thing so
20:38
100 minutes kind of suck yeah and then you've
20:41
got 20 minutes of action scene right i want to
20:46
talk about how just cheap this how cheaply this
20:49
movie was made because none especially when it
20:52
comes to the action scene at the end the big
20:53
helicopter fight there's never two helicopters
20:56
on screen at once and it they like use the same
20:59
footage a lot complicated too much money sure
21:02
but they put their money into the helicopters
21:05
for sure yeah i mean right yeah you get a one
21:09
day rental on a helicopter and you just fly it
21:11
around really hard yeah get as much b -roll as
21:14
you can yeah and come back the next day with
21:17
the other helicopter It's all B -roll. And they
21:21
do use the same shots a few times, including...
21:25
Are you sure they didn't just use the same offensive
21:27
maneuvers? Speaking of offensive maneuvers, my
21:34
favorite time where they use the same exact shot
21:38
for something isn't a helicopter scene. It's
21:40
when he's trying to hit on Sean Young at the...
21:45
at tommy lee jones's 40th birthday party and
21:47
she kind of gives him the eye over the shoulder
21:49
and then two minutes later they use the exact
21:52
same like cut of her giving him the eye over
21:55
the shoulder are you sure she wasn't using the
21:58
same sexual maneuver oh there you go actually
22:03
some people only have one move do a barrel roll
22:06
no they they had a whole their whole fucking
22:09
uh They had a army training situation where all
22:15
they were doing was sexually innuendos. Yes.
22:18
Absolutely. Not very good. Oh, I thought it was
22:20
glorious. Well, now I know how to light your
22:23
fire. It was very sexual. No, I'm very sexual.
22:26
I'm still hard. Well, now I'm up on top and behind.
22:30
Oh, Eric, I am sorry. I let your buzzball run
22:33
dry. Let me top you off here. Eric's going to
22:37
have to use the apparatus to drive home. uh no
22:41
we do not encourage drinking and driving here
22:44
okay so yeah plotline wise all right they got
22:49
to kill the guy he's the helicopter guy so they
22:52
train a shit ton so they can kill the helicopter
22:54
guy then they go and they kill the helicopter
22:56
guy and the movie ends yeah i love that they've
23:00
got like this elite level like enemy that they
23:05
need to deal with and their solution is well
23:08
we'd better get some rookies some people who
23:11
have no combat experience in this specific thing
23:14
that is apparently the best and like therefore
23:19
the most complicated new thing to Tommy Lee Jones
23:24
wanted in there the whole time he was like I'm
23:26
the most yeah but he's got fucking but he's also
23:29
40 yeah yeah that's true i mean this movie is
23:33
really just you know about like tommy lee jones
23:36
he's like oh i'm i'm useless i'm old and wants
23:38
to recapture his youth by killing the guy and
23:41
nick cage is the young buck who is already great
23:45
at his job and just kind of has a weird eye thing
23:47
and for some reason they can't just change the
23:49
monocle side i was so baffled benched like hey
23:53
how about also how about just like move it over
23:55
there could you just have a helmet that can do
23:56
both yeah oh we'll just put it over there we
23:59
got a left eye guy yeah well ned flanders hadn't
24:03
invented the left porium yet that's true so this
24:07
movie makes me want a specific a very specific
24:10
genre of film it's like a coming of age but it's
24:14
a coming of middle age film where you just get
24:16
dudes from like transitioning into their 40s
24:22
like oh no i have responsibilities and it's like
24:27
oh you gotta watch him mow the lawn shit his
24:30
kids are gonna get so so green so green no nick
24:34
nick came into that really hard he was just like
24:36
oh what's so bad about hanging out and drinking
24:39
beers and he did uh yeah doing sex no yeah just
24:45
what's so bad about staying home Yeah. Oh, yeah.
24:48
Oh, yeah. When he comes into or comes on to Billy
24:51
and he's all like, oh, what's wrong with just
24:55
being a stay at home mom and not flying helicopters?
24:58
Obviously a lot. If you fly helicopters, maybe,
25:02
maybe I'm just saying doing dishes doesn't do
25:07
it for you. What if you do them like and you
25:09
also have them do a barrel roll? That'd be cool.
25:12
Also, I like how his argument was it was good
25:14
enough for his mom. Which clearly that's what
25:18
you get when you get Nick Cage. My mom did that.
25:21
Yeah. They have no chemistry in this film, Nick
25:25
Cage and Sean Young. I hated it. So we kind of
25:28
touched on it before we started recording, but
25:30
like Sean Young is pretty bad in this. I don't,
25:34
I don't think they gave her much of a chance.
25:36
This movie was all about Tommy Lee Jones talking
25:39
fast. Oh, that's every Tommy Lee Jones film.
25:43
But you cast Tommy Lee Jones when you need somebody
25:45
to spit out a fucking pile of words. Yeah. Oh,
25:50
words like it has a roll rate of 150 degrees
25:52
per second. So if you need to duck, dive or disappear,
25:55
this buggy will do it before your brain can think.
25:57
We could crash this aircraft at 20 G's and survive,
26:00
but I am not going to prove it to you. Yeah,
26:04
that's when Nick Cage goes. Darn. Yep. Darn.
26:11
Damn. Killer, killer line. Okay, if we're doing
26:14
Tommy Lee Jones quotes, the first one I wrote
26:18
down to this movie is, boy, you're going to be
26:20
busier than a three -peckered goat. Oh yeah,
26:22
that was a good one. I noted that too. Because
26:25
I don't, what does a one -peckered goat do? I
26:29
mean, I think they fuck a lot. Right. Goats are
26:31
horny. Two peckers worth less. Yeah. Two peckers
26:36
worth less of fucking, yes. Or business. We don't
26:41
know what kind of busyness this three peckered
26:44
goat's doing. That's what I mean. What are you
26:46
going to do with those peckers? Let's bring this
26:48
conversation back. I love it. I was going to
26:51
say we've had that conversation before. We did
26:53
two. I think we did three because we did get
26:56
into triangles or is it like three wide or three
27:01
vertically stacked? A goat is really busy with
27:04
one pecker. right yeah yeah yeah hold on i need
27:07
to sit down and think real quick i don't think
27:09
i've ever googled what a goat's wiener looks
27:12
like like hard you wait you haven't googled what
27:17
a hard goat's wiener looks like or you haven't
27:22
done a hard you haven't done a hard enough job
27:24
to look for it yeah i'm looking up goat boners
27:26
right now don't worry about it we're gonna oh
27:29
my god we finally broke peter goat boner image
27:34
search oh it's pretty straight oh it's long it's
27:39
skinny uh yeah okay here's one licking his own
27:43
goat boner oh yeah okay it's a sort of dog red
27:46
rocket style but like i feel like more known
27:49
for their balls so i feel like you guys missed
27:54
out on a couple themes uh they talked about uh
27:58
I don't know, just like women in normal things.
28:01
Nick Cage was just like, hey, stay home. Right.
28:05
And then they talked about women in combat things
28:08
right after that. Like which is like get mounted.
28:12
No, it was like, don't do it. Oh, sure. Oh, I
28:16
thought it was. I fly the Apache, so I'm superior.
28:20
There was a lot. There was a lot of that. That
28:23
was a direct line, actually. For your safety.
28:29
What I caught on to most about this film is it
28:32
was probably getting kickbacks from Bud Light.
28:36
The bar scene was every label Bud Light towards
28:39
the camera. Yeah. It's like everybody drinks
28:42
Bud Light. I didn't realize the army was full
28:45
of bitches. You didn't? Can we talk about Nick
28:55
Cage's performance in this? Because this is.
28:57
this is like oh god i can't think of the word
28:59
bad bad yeah but it's like it's a very try hard
29:05
well he was nothing until the worst it's all
29:09
his worst uh like regular things he does the
29:12
he does the weird like high kick he does when
29:15
he when he's acting mad he does the really high
29:18
mad voice just it's it's all the greatest stuff
29:23
then there's the weird like he lists off a bunch
29:25
of things that just sounds like the punch monkeys
29:27
from crude stew situation except without being
29:33
great yeah well was that where where he's killing
29:36
everybody just like uh punch him kill him yeah
29:40
yeah it's right after he's been the greatest
29:42
and right before that was when he talked about
29:44
strawberry gum oh yeah lord yeah Yeah, video
29:48
game Preston is not great. I mean, he is the
29:54
greatest, but he's not great to watch. Not entertaining
29:58
for sure. I love when he flies into the telephone
30:02
lines, I guess, and gets shut down. I love seeing
30:05
somebody cocky get shut down. They weren't ready
30:08
to run Zulu. Yeah, I know. Zulu was too much.
30:11
You put him through Zulu? Oh, yeah. Oh, wow.
30:15
Oh, my God. I love like old tech in movies. It's
30:19
just so fucking funny to me. Yeah, look at our
30:22
super advanced, like top of the line training
30:25
simulation. You mean the box that shakes and
30:29
shows me fucking Tron? Cool. I'm ready for war,
30:33
daddy. Let's do it. He is kind of his war daddy.
30:40
Yeah, he is a war daddy. Yeah. Or War Poppy?
30:44
Hi, Poppy. No. Oh. Yeah, I don't know. I don't
30:51
have a lot of positives to say about this. I
30:54
don't have a lot of like strong negatives either.
30:57
This movie just kind of is lame. I would love
31:02
to have seen more of the cartel side. I wanted
31:06
to like really feel something. For the enemy,
31:11
like whether it's repulsion for what they're
31:13
doing or anybody. Yeah. Like all you see is Eric
31:18
Stoller in like some close ups. Right. And then
31:23
like a couple of the cartel people being put
31:25
into something to get away before they get. Yeah.
31:28
Running away from an airfield or something. And
31:30
then there's those two jets that they never show
31:33
the pilots of that just get like. Could have
31:35
been the same jet. Yeah. Could have been the
31:37
same jet. Oh, OK. So. Butt shot. Sean Young's
31:40
shoulder -mounted missile launcher. Okay, that
31:44
was pretty sick. Yeah, I liked that. And I liked
31:47
as, you know, Tommy Lee Jones is explaining how
31:49
to assemble it to her. It's like that one looks
31:50
like a little coffee can and you put the little
31:52
coffee can in the other thing and then you do
31:53
this and you chuck it on there. And then obviously
31:55
when you're telling a woman how to assemble an
31:57
RPG, you have to use kitchen terms. Now, one
32:00
of these looks like a frying pan. That one looks
32:02
like a cutting board. Come on. That was that
32:04
was right after the one that looked like a tea
32:06
towel. And you wrap that around the other one.
32:09
That was right after he said, you put the baby
32:11
to bed. I broke both my legs. Like, nope, nope.
32:14
Leave me alone. Yeah, I just have to. here in
32:16
this fucking helicopter nope yeah it's like are
32:18
you okay i don't think so i broke both my legs
32:21
i love tommy lee jones yeah he talks fast i love
32:30
a fast talker okay so the part of the movie that
32:32
just drove me absolutely insane so you finally
32:35
get to the conflict right they've gotten everybody
32:37
down to fucking loosely south america you know
32:41
and then they just get bombed and then they're
32:44
at this base and they just get attacked by stoller
32:47
but he's just shooting at the people and like
32:50
firing missiles at the people on the ground when
32:53
all the apaches are just sitting there fucking
32:55
lame ducks they wasted so much artillery just
32:59
doing meaningless explosions in the background
33:02
insane they made no sense absolutely no camouflaging
33:06
for these He's like top of the line helicopter
33:10
sitting in the middle of a fucking brown desert.
33:12
Green helicopters couldn't hit him, but he's
33:16
the best. He's the best. Maybe he's a terrorist
33:19
pilot. He's so cocky. He's like, I'm going to
33:21
pick these motherfuckers off one by one. He's
33:24
gotten paid. I've got 37 missiles on my helicopter.
33:29
There can't be more than 37 Americans. Maybe
33:32
he wanted an upgrade. Maybe he wanted one of
33:34
those helicopters. Boom. That just crossed my
33:36
mind too. Maybe he wanted to commandeer all the
33:38
Apaches afterwards. So that's the smart move.
33:41
So blowing all their shit up wouldn't have done
33:43
it. That's smarter than this movie. Yeah. Line
33:46
them all to Russia. You gave him more credit
33:47
than it's worth, Sean. I think he wanted background
33:50
explosions. When the first explosion happens
33:54
at the camp, tommy lee jones and nick cage immediately
33:56
just run towards the explosion there's like no
34:00
self -preservation there yeah well their army
34:03
not air force air force would have run away if
34:05
you were in a situation like that running towards
34:08
a thing that just blew up might be the safest
34:10
spot before you know it's not like they're gonna
34:13
shoot the same spot twice right away twice right
34:18
away well yeah don't worry about that you're
34:21
you're only talking about lightning there I mean,
34:24
the helicopter had to go for another pass. Yeah,
34:28
that could have been the worst. That was probably
34:33
the worst part of the action sequence was just
34:36
like that opening salvo of stupid. We need something
34:43
to drive your heartbeat kind of action. Here's
34:46
a little zoom in on the guy whose arm got blown
34:48
off. Like, I mean, that's cool. I love a good
34:51
arm blown off. Not a single boat chase in this
34:54
film sucks. What was your favorite part, Eric?
34:57
Favorite part? I couldn't fucking fix on anything.
35:01
It was a stupid thing. And credits were pretty
35:04
cool. Was it fucking to that Phil Collins song?
35:07
Oh, good Lord. The Phil Collins sex scene was
35:12
a lot. Yeah. It was like, oh, there was nipple.
35:19
There was nipple in there. I will say that fucking
35:22
to Phil Collins is pretty run -of -the -mill
35:24
for me. I'm a pretty hard Genesis fucker myself,
35:28
but... You like those compression drums? Yeah.
35:35
What, you guys don't have a curated soundtrack?
35:38
My fuck track? Of Phil Collins songs? Of Phil
35:42
Collins, yeah. It's all Susu Studio. yeah that
35:51
tracks god did i even have a favorite part of
35:55
this film it's a tough question right yeah i
35:58
like when uh i like when they finally kill uh
36:00
stole the bad guy and he has this one like spoken
36:04
part where he just kind of yells and just it's
36:07
weirdly gory yeah they really like fucking really
36:12
relished the fact that they were killing him
36:14
up good this guy we had zero interest in killing
36:19
Aside from getting through the film. Yeah. Yeah.
36:23
And knowing what he went on to produce, I'm like,
36:26
no, he's a hero. National treasure. Yeah. Any,
36:33
any favorite moment or quote? That's fine too.
36:37
I mean, my quote was the three pecker goat quote.
36:40
That's a good one. It's so good. I got some,
36:43
I got some actual Nick Cage quotes here. I was
36:47
a fan of, I lost a little bit of control there.
36:49
But now everything's cool. Oh, man. Who is the
36:54
lady in there? Sean, Sean, Sean Young. She really
37:00
didn't like what he was saying. And and Nick
37:03
Cage just raised his eyebrows. Oh, yeah. She
37:05
says, I want you to stop this. Right, right.
37:08
Waggles his eyes salaciously. That was my favorite
37:11
quote. Yeah, that was a good one. He is so horny.
37:14
Yeah, he's super horny. Oh, I respect that a
37:16
lot. Arguably, the most clever line of this film
37:21
is Jake Preston to Brad Little. Well, that's
37:25
really big of you, Little. He's so dumb. I loved
37:29
it. You know what I love about this movie and
37:33
what I couldn't stop thinking about the whole
37:35
time? It has the budget and feel of an early
37:40
90s USA TV show. This is something I would have
37:45
watched right after Renegade. Yeah. I told Josie
37:49
I would much rather be watching Airwolf through
37:51
this whole thing. Oh, 100%. No, there's a reason
37:54
that this thing got made. It had a time and a
37:58
place. Yeah. Immediately after Top Gun. Yeah,
38:03
exactly. Top Gun came out in 1986, and it had
38:07
a budget of $15 million, and this had a budget
38:09
of $22 million in 1990. So it's basically the
38:14
exact same budget, but sucks shit. By comparison.
38:17
Was there that much inflation between in three
38:21
years? That's Josh. Yeah. Hey, drop down in the
38:25
comments. Tell me what the inflation difference
38:27
was. What was the cost of living difference between
38:30
89 and 86? Yeah, I think the only other quote
38:35
that stood out to me was right at the end when
38:38
Cage gets himself in. He's ready to mount. You
38:41
know, he's pulled himself into the back position.
38:43
He just says. I thought that happened. And he
38:46
just says, I'm going to kill him now. And that's
38:48
it. Yeah. That was a sweet maneuver when he got
38:53
into that. Like, Oh yeah. Yeah. Pretty tight.
38:57
I just want to say, I love that. I'm just scrolling
39:00
down IMDB and when I get to the user reviews,
39:02
the first two that popped up are just like, not
39:05
as bad as most people say. Yeah. Okay. So I was
39:09
thinking about that. Cause I saw that, that review
39:10
too. And I was like, you know what? It's kind
39:13
of accurate because like, I thought this was
39:16
going to be a two. And like it was maybe a four.
39:20
This is a solid very poorly reviewed. And I think
39:25
it's kind of less worthy of that kind of hate.
39:29
Yeah. To fully align with what everybody else
39:32
is saying, but with using different words. Yes.
39:36
Yeah. It is not as bad as you think it is. But
39:42
it's bad. Yeah. Like temper your expectations,
39:46
but don't let yourself fall into the trap. All
39:50
right, Eric, where would you put this on the
39:51
matrix? Good movie, bad movie, good cage, bad
39:54
cage, good, good, bad, bad, good, bad, bad, good.
39:57
OK, movie, bad cage. OK, bold. He had he had
40:03
his cage moments. Holy shit. Like in the simulator.
40:07
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. That that was huge. But
40:10
no, this was Tommy Lee Jones. I wish he narrated
40:14
his actual fights the way he narrated his simulated
40:18
fights. Yeah, his video game. Just with some
40:21
complete gamer douchebag in the air. I'm the
40:27
greatest. I'm the greatest. I am the greatest.
40:31
I am the greatest. No, the best part of the movie
40:34
was Nick Cage doing his shoot him, sting him.
40:42
Finger in the bottom. Yeah, he had it all. LaBuzzy.
40:46
LaBuzzy. Get him in the LaBuzzy. I'm inclined
40:51
to agree with that. Yeah, like... You're inclined
40:55
to agree with get him in the LaBuzzy? Yeah. No,
40:59
but like, fine film, bad cage. Yeah. I would
41:03
watch this movie again if I was in an Airbnb
41:07
that... Only had basic cable and this is what
41:11
was on. Or just a bunch of weird VHS. Yeah. Yeah.
41:15
And it was between this and City of Angels. Oh,
41:17
I would watch this over City of Angels for sure.
41:21
Like any day of the week. Actually, every day
41:25
of the week. Yeah. Give me seven choices between
41:29
this and City of Angels. I'd watch this. Yeah.
41:32
All right. I'd find a better quote. I would stop
41:36
Googling what goat penises look like. And I would
41:39
start using Chad GPT to stack three goat penises
41:43
so I know what a three -peckered goat's up to.
41:46
Is that a thing about goats? Do they fuck a lot?
41:48
Do I just not know anything about goats? I think
41:49
goats are known to be horny. No, one pecker on
41:54
a goat wouldn't be sufficient. I'm just thinking
41:55
horny goat weed. Oh, yeah. One pecker on a goat
41:58
would be fine. Right back to gas station drugs.
42:00
Nice. Yeah, there we go. I grew up only knowing
42:03
that goats get on your cars and they eat everything
42:06
because my dad is very prejudiced against goats.
42:09
And so we never had goats. We had a lot of animals
42:13
when I grew up, but we never had goats. Because
42:17
my dad would straight up say, we won't have goats
42:22
because they climb on the vehicles and they eat
42:25
all the things you don't want them to eat. They
42:28
eat that little buzzy. A goat will eat that LaBuzzy.
42:32
Yeah. A goat don't care between Bussy and Pussy.
42:35
They'll eat a Wednesday LaBuzzy. They don't give
42:37
a shit. Oh, Lord. Sean, last thoughts. I'm going
42:45
to tell your kids this is Top Gun. Fuck you.
42:49
Here's my secret shame. Laid bare. I've never
42:52
actually watched Top Gun. Me neither. Oh, yeah.
42:56
Hell yeah. OK, I'm going to watch the volleyball
42:59
scene. It is fun to watch. Yeah, I mean, I've
43:01
heard that. I'm sure it is. You get the Val Kilmer
43:05
Iceman scenes like, oh, I love me some Val Kilmer.
43:09
Gold, gold. In college, there was a chick that
43:13
I called Rook because she was new to the program
43:15
and she was calling me Gunner. That was pretty
43:18
cool. Nice. I liked having that nickname. Gunner.
43:22
Gunner and Rook. So that came about because she
43:25
was working at a movie theater and they only
43:27
had to so many things that they could play like
43:30
audio wise in the lobby. So she listened to the
43:33
Top Gun soundtrack a lot. OK, I think that's
43:37
it. Right. Eric, final thoughts. I don't have.
43:40
Yeah, actually, I think this movie was great.
43:44
Well, hold on. You just changed everything. What
43:47
made it go from fine to great? Two extra peckers.
43:52
So many peckers. They touch on women in the military.
43:58
And how they shouldn't be there, right? Yeah,
44:00
okay. Yeah, that's what Nick said about it. Cage,
44:05
not me. I'm cool. I'm cool. I'll use gun tone,
44:12
ladies. Don't worry, I'm on your side. Yeah,
44:15
there you go. Is this my fucking dad again? Yeah,
44:18
it is. It is. That's funny. He's inviting me
44:20
to a fishing trip this weekend, but I can't go.
44:23
But I haven't been able to talk to him in the
44:25
last 30 minutes. Fair enough. Hey, dad, if you're
44:28
listening to this in a week and a half. Yeah.
44:31
I can't make it. I can't come. Tomorrow. Sorry.
44:33
Has your dad listened to the podcast? Oh, man.
44:35
Dad, I can't come. No, I think they listened
44:37
to like one episode, but they were. fully unprepared
44:41
for the words that come out of my mouth yeah
44:43
my parents uh they struggled with that a little
44:45
bit like the words that come out of my mouth
44:46
no my mouth um certainly i mean yours too probably
44:50
but uh i'm largely the most offensive person
44:53
on this podcast i hold no bones against that
44:55
but my mom my greatest discovery was that my
44:58
mom has like a really filthy mouth but was always
45:01
reined in by my dad throughout the years so like
45:05
every once in a while i've had these like phone
45:06
conversations with her where she's just like
45:08
your dad's not here fuck that shit and i'm like
45:10
yes get it mom do it i identify with that so
45:15
much yeah holy shit but anyway she was a little
45:17
surprised by some of the shit that we say maybe
45:19
a little too much dick and cum talk but too much
45:23
three pecker goat what's a goat boner look like
45:25
we didn't talk about piss at all this time hey
45:27
it's not too late all right it is too late thank
45:31
you all for listening and thank you to our sparkle
45:34
buddies josh josie matt adam bill and stewart
45:37
and to our cage dancers ira john freeman nathan
45:40
and cameron and to bill panks for our uh theme
45:43
music and thank you all for being a part of our
45:46
dumb assery that includes you sean and you nick
45:51
and you eric and me yep i'm glad to be finally
45:54
included in this yeah right it's only taken three
45:58
years Bye -bye. Thank you. Bye -bye. I see so
46:18
many adults wearing dare shirts down here. Oh,
46:22
I used to have a sick dare shirt from when I
46:25
was in dare. Nice. And it still fit me because
46:29
I was a... A broad -shouldered child. Yeah, I
46:33
was a giant child. Look at me. Obviously, I was
46:35
a giant as a child, too. How old were you until
46:38
you grew out of your head? Never. I'm still growing
46:42
into it. One of these days. Yeah, I think I've
46:45
still got three inches in shoulder width to go
46:48
before it matches my head size.