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Staying Sober When You Want to Drink : The Triggers Nobody Warns You About · Recovering Out Loud

• 0:00
  It's everybody's favorite time of year.
• 0:03
  Spring is coming, summer is upon us.
• 0:05
  And as good Alcoholics and addicts, we all know what that
• 0:09
  means. Patio season.
• 0:10
  This is one of those things where it kind of sneaks up on
• 0:13
  you in that you don't really think that it's going to be a
• 0:16
  tough time comparatively to speaking to holidays and events
• 0:21
  and birthdays celebrations. This is a tricky one because I
• 0:26
  talked to a lot of Alcoholics in recovery that a new Alcoholics
• 0:30
  in recovery that say that when they are walking by patios, it
• 0:34
  is one of the most triggering things to be a part of to to
• 0:37
  witness because it looks so nice when people are just laughing
• 0:42
  and scratching and smiling and enjoying that nice cold beer on
• 0:47
  the patio. How do we get through this?
• 0:49
  Why should we care about patio season and how do we go through
• 0:53
  a patio while go to a patio and enjoy ourselves while not being
• 0:58
  the boring sober guy that's miserable sitting there or girl
• 1:01
  that's just existing? It is possible and I've done it
• 1:05
  many times and it is fun. So it got nice on Friday we went
• 1:08
  to a patio and we're sitting there.
• 1:11
  I was enjoying my soda water and I see this guy.
• 1:13
  It was on King Street by the way, which I don't like going
• 1:16
  to, but King Street before 10:00 PM is actually a lot of fun.
• 1:20
  After 10:00 PM, not so much. The real chads start to come out
• 1:23
  and people that you probably don't want to be around with in
• 1:27
  recovery or maybe you do. I don't recommend it.
• 1:30
  I see this guy across the street and he's looking real suspicious
• 1:33
  and he's getting an Uber. And for some reason, I don't
• 1:36
  know if it was his demographic, his what he looked like, his
• 1:38
  appearance, the fact that it was Friday, it was a nice day.
• 1:41
  My brain immediately went to the thought that, oh, that guys
• 1:45
  going to pick up cocaine for sure.
• 1:47
  He's going to have a great night ahead of him.
• 1:49
  And then this feeling of envy and jealousy sort of starts to
• 1:52
  come up upon me. It's wild.
• 1:54
  IA year and a half in. I don't understand these things.
• 1:57
  They don't make sense. My I have no control over my
• 1:59
  thoughts, my first thought. I have control over the second
• 2:02
  thought and my action. But you can just laugh at it now
• 2:04
  and say, where did that come from?
• 2:06
  I'm spinning the story about this guy and immediately I'm
• 2:09
  like, oh, he gets to use cocaine and I don't.
• 2:11
  What a fucking asshole. What patios are triggering.
• 2:15
  They can be hard. They trigger us in different
• 2:16
  ways and it comes when you least expect it.
• 2:19
  That's the tricky part. Cutting, baffling and powerful.
• 2:21
  This is the episode that I wish I had before I went to my first
• 2:26
  patio season in sobriety. Because nobody really tells you,
• 2:29
  like I said about the quiet part of this calendar, the quiet part
• 2:33
  of your recovery where your friends are all going out to a
• 2:36
  patio and you want to go to. So it's April, Toronto's about
• 2:39
  to open for patios and many other East Coast cities, cold
• 2:43
  climates. If you're in recovery in the
• 2:45
  city, the next six weeks are important because you want to
• 2:48
  get through them. You never know when that one
• 2:50
  relapse can take you out for years.
• 2:52
  So let's get into it. Whether you're 6 days sober or
• 2:55
  six years sober or six hours sober, patio season doesn't give
• 2:59
  a fuck how much time you have. The people at the bar that
• 3:02
  you're probably hanging around with, most of them probably
• 3:04
  don't care about your recovery program.
• 3:07
  That's a broad statement, but the people I was hanging out
• 3:09
  with at patios and at clubs, they didn't give a fuck whether
• 3:13
  I was using or not. So I'm Anthony, I'm an alcoholic
• 3:15
  and an addict. I am about a year and a half
• 3:18
  sober. I had 7 1/2 years.
• 3:19
  I came into recovery at 2015. I relapsed on ADHD medication
• 3:23
  and secrets and I'm back now. This is my second patio season
• 3:28
  this time around, but I've had many in the past and I've had a
• 3:31
  lot of personal experience with going out in recovery and
• 3:34
  staying sober and enjoying being content in the environment.
• 3:38
  So I want to tell you this is practical stuff that I do.
• 3:41
  This is my experience. It's not a tool kit from a
• 3:45
  website or five steps to handle your patio season.
• 3:47
  This is just my lived experience.
• 3:49
  So hopefully you get something out of it because you don't have
• 3:51
  to suffer through this summer season.
• 3:53
  You don't have to suffer and avoid the beach.
• 3:56
  You don't have to avoid patios. You don't have to avoid.
• 3:58
  I can go anywhere in the world as long as I'm on fit spiritual
• 4:01
  ground and my motive is right. That is the key.
• 4:04
  What is my motive before going to these events?
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  So you're out with your friends. The waiter goes around and asks
• 4:10
  everybody what they want to drink.
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  You're looking over the non alcoholic options and they're
• 4:13
  usually maybe there isn't some, maybe there is.
• 4:15
  Everybody orders a beer and it comes to you and the waiter goes
• 4:19
  what do you want Sir? And I go, I'll have a soda water
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  after all my friends just ordered a beer.
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  The guy looked at me and he kind of scoffed.
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  He went OK. I wanted to fucking knock the
• 4:31
  guy out. All my friends looked at me like
• 4:33
  I was going to say something and I just let it go.
• 4:35
  These are the things we have to deal with in recovery.
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  I didn't let it bother me after that, but when it comes to
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  fitting in and being in recovery, it's so important to
• 4:44
  try not to care about what other people thinking about you.
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  Nobody is noticing that you're not drinking, and if they are,
• 4:49
  they have a problem with alcohol.
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  It's their problem. It's not your problem.
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  Don't apologize for being in recovery and being sober.
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  All you have to say is I just don't drink.
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  I'm not drinking today. I don't drink.
• 5:00
  So there's a restlessness that sort of shows up about an hour
• 5:03
  or two hours in for me where I start to notice that people are
• 5:07
  on their second and third drinks.
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  And maybe that voice, my head starts talking and I'm not being
• 5:11
  present. I start to notice that maybe
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  someone looks at me and I assume that they know that I'm not
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  drinking. And now I'm thinking that
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  they're thinking that I'm a loser.
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  It's not necessarily a craving or a obsession of the mind, but
• 5:23
  it's just feeling out of sync with the rest of the bars,
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  feeling out of sync with the table where you kind of just
• 5:28
  have to take a breath and say no, no, my motive here.
• 5:31
  I'm here to enjoy conversation. I'm here to support my friend.
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  I'm here to have a good time, get out of my house, not
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  isolate. What is my motive?
• 5:41
  There's sort of a a grief situation that's happening where
• 5:43
  you're missing the drink or you think you're missing a drink and
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  then you're missing the version of yourself who used to belong
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  on that patio. You're missing the version of
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  yourself that used to belong on the beach, that used to belong
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  with the drinking buddies, with the crowd, with the laughter and
• 6:00
  the chatter, and you think that you need a drink to participate.
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  You don't. So what I realized that day was
• 6:07
  that I wasn't grieving alcohol. I was grieving ease.
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  I was grieving comfort. I was grieving relief that
• 6:14
  alcohol used to give me. Sobriety in the summer is the
• 6:17
  moment you find out how much your identity was actually tied
• 6:21
  to the weather, was weather dependent, and this is sort of a
• 6:25
  realization that you can have and justice.
• 6:26
  Accet and move on. I'm a different person now.
• 6:29
  I am Anthony, 20. I'm a new version.
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  I don't need a drink to enjoy life.
• 6:35
  So this is to all the people that have sat at that patio or
• 6:37
  sat at that beach or that party or that backyard barbecue and
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  felt like they didn't belong, they didn't fit in, they weren't
• 6:44
  accepted. What you think you're missing
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  versus what you actually are. So the lie that patio season
• 6:51
  tells you is that everyone is having more fun than you.
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  I'm on my own. No one else is not drinking.
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  Everybody's drinking. I'm alone here, I'm separate.
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  I'm not accepted. I'm the boring sober person.
• 7:01
  Whatever that narrative is in your head, that thought, the
• 7:03
  truth that nobody admits is that half the table is drinking to
• 7:06
  manage the exact same social anxiety that you have that
• 7:10
  you're feeling right now. There's that moment where
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  everybody kind of sits down and and there's that discomfort that
• 7:15
  most people have that a drink makes go away.
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  The difference between you and them is that they stop after
• 7:21
  three or four or two or one and we go into trap houses in
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  Scarborough and pick up from our dealer or whatever it looks like
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  from you having 20 beers or drinking alone that night.
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  That doesn't happen to the average person.
• 7:34
  The thing I missed wasn't the drink necessarily.
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  It was permission. Permission to be loose, to be
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  loud, to not monitor myself. You can do this.
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  I do this in recovery. I forced myself to be silly.
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  I forced myself to be outgoing myself.
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  I just kind of let loose and let my guard down.
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  You can do it without alcohol, but it takes practice.
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  Sober patios force you to source that permission internally.
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  Like I said, you need to find it within.
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  Not from the bottle, not from the bag.
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  You need to dig deep and find it within.
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  That's the work. And that's why it's very
• 8:09
  exhausting at first, because you're looking for this new
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  identity, this permission to just be yourself in your skin at
• 8:15
  that moment. And it takes practice.
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  Like I said, when you picture yourself on a patio with a
• 8:20
  drink, are you picturing the drink or are you picturing who
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  you got to be when you had one? That version of yourself that
• 8:28
  alcohol allowed you to be or turned you into?
• 8:32
  What do you miss? Ask yourself that.
• 8:34
  Do I miss the alcohol or the cocaine?
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  Or do I miss the illusory freedom that it brought me?
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  The ability to not be an adult for three hours and kick my
• 8:44
  shoes off and turn my phone off and not have responsibilities
• 8:47
  and kids and the world and work and just be present.
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  So here's some of the things I actually do.
• 8:55
  Practical tips. They're not rules.
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  This is what I do. So take what works and leave the
• 8:59
  rest first. Eat a meal hungry.
• 9:02
  Hot social pleasure is a relapse triple threat.
• 9:05
  So it's basically halt hungry, angry, lonely, tired.
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  Am I hungry, am I angry, am I lonely or am I tired?
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  Try to cover those bases. Something I learned in early
• 9:13
  recovery. It's worth Googling and looking
• 9:15
  into if if it strikes you. There's a lot of science behind
• 9:19
  people relapsing in one of these states to decide your exit
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  before you arrive. So have an exit plan and you
• 9:26
  don't need to go and draft up a document in in Google Docs.
• 9:30
  You don't need to type something out or write down something in
• 9:33
  your journal. You can if you want.
• 9:34
  It's effective. But I'll leave when it feels
• 9:36
  right. I'll leave whenever I want to
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  leave. I'll leave when I've enjoyed.
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  I've taken the pleasure out of the evening.
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  Not an actual time, but text a sober friend so that it's it's
• 9:46
  witnessed. This is another way get someone
• 9:47
  to hold you accountable. Hey, I'm going to this thing.
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  I'm scared that sponsor is a great role for this.
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  I how do I have an exit plan? What do I do if I get
• 9:56
  uncomfortable What can I do? Do I have a ride home, Did I
• 9:58
  drive? Can I ride my bike?
• 10:00
  Can I get out of there safely without relapsing?
• 10:03
  3 Know what you're ordering before you sit down.
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  So look at the menu. Maybe they have some non
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  alcoholic beverages. I don't really drink non
• 10:10
  alcoholic beer because I was always taught non alcoholic
• 10:13
  beers for non Alcoholics. Now that's not a judgment if you
• 10:15
  drink non alcoholic beer. For me it's too close to beer
• 10:18
  and I have no good reason to drink non alcoholic beer other
• 10:22
  than I want to get drunk or I want to vicariously steal
• 10:25
  pleasure from other people or this fake beer.
• 10:28
  That's just my experience my my opinion.
• 10:30
  If that helps you stay sober, more power to you when you get
• 10:34
  there. Seat selection matters more than
• 10:36
  people realize. So away from the bar, closer to
• 10:38
  the food, facing the street so you can people watch something
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  to look at that isn't everyone else's drink.
• 10:43
  If you're there for a game, be near TVI like to be near TV's.
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  I like to have a motive when I go there.
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  I'm going to watch the game. I am going to enjoy, enjoy my
• 10:51
  social circle, the company and my social circle.
• 10:54
  You can, another thing you can do is try to order first your
• 10:56
  soda water with lime at the same time as their first round so
• 11:01
  nobody notices. You can, you know, sneak it in
• 11:03
  there quietly. I know for for me I've had
• 11:06
  moments in my recovery where it's come to me and I've been
• 11:08
  like oh fuck I'll get a soda water and I'm just whispering
• 11:12
  and the waiter goes what what did you say?
• 11:15
  No one cares. Remember, if the people at the
• 11:17
  table don't know you have a problem with alcohol, you can
• 11:19
  just simply tell them that alcohol doesn't agree with you.
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  I turned pro and retired early. I don't drink anymore.
• 11:26
  Don't overcomplicate the reasoning.
• 11:28
  You don't and plus nobody deserves a reason anyways.
• 11:30
  But if they ask, those are some things you can say.
• 11:33
  Soda water is a good order. Non alcoholic beverages.
• 11:36
  I like virgin Caesars because it looks like I'm having alcohol
• 11:39
  and people usually leave me alone.
• 11:41
  But I usually just get soda water and lime and I enjoy that.
• 11:44
  So there's something called urge surfing that's helped me get
• 11:47
  through a lot of these moments. It's when the craving or the
• 11:50
  obsession, not craving. When the obsession hits mid
• 11:53
  patio, the sun is shining just right, the beer is looking extra
• 11:57
  cold and you're just triggered to high hell.
• 12:00
  And you don't want to just share at the table that you're
• 12:02
  triggered because it's not socially acceptable.
• 12:04
  And maybe the people you're with don't know that you're in
• 12:06
  recovery. Maybe they're work friends.
• 12:07
  You're going for beers after work.
• 12:09
  Urge surfing is when you just sort of notice it.
• 12:12
  It's the concept that comes from Alan Marlitz, relapse prevention
• 12:15
  work. It's evidence based, widely used
• 12:17
  in treatment. The short version is that
• 12:19
  cravings peak and fall like a wave.
• 12:22
  So they peak usually within 20 to 30 minutes and then they
• 12:26
  fall. If you don't feed them, if you
• 12:27
  don't buy into it, if you don't obsess about it and and think
• 12:31
  about ways to get away with it, no one would know.
• 12:33
  And this and that. Just ride the wave.
• 12:36
  You don't have to fight the urge, you just have to outlast
• 12:39
  it. Be consistent and just ride the
• 12:41
  wave. Like I said, sometimes a
• 12:43
  bathroom break could help. 2 minutes alone.
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  Splash some water on your face and reset.
• 12:47
  Go back out there and you're good.
• 12:49
  Probably one of the most important parts is the exit, so
• 12:51
  leaving before the vibe shifts. Everybody in the world, I don't
• 12:54
  care who you are, there's a point in time at any bar or
• 12:57
  party where people just go over the deep end into zombie mode.
• 13:03
  Whether it's with drugs or alcohol, people just change like
• 13:06
  that. Leave before that happens.
• 13:08
  There's a difference between a good sober patio and a relapse.
• 13:11
  Risk is often 45 minutes, so maybe leaving early could save
• 13:15
  your life. You never know.
• 13:16
  Something else is not going straight to bed when you get
• 13:19
  home, so the adrenaline takes a while to come down.
• 13:22
  I was at a concert last night and it took me a bit to fall
• 13:24
  asleep because I was all pumped up on social energy and music.
• 13:27
  I give myself a widened down ritual so you can shower.
• 13:31
  Journal. I do my daily inventory before I
• 13:34
  go to bed most nights. I read calm yourself down.
• 13:37
  Relax your nervous system. Here's the unglamorous truth.
• 13:40
  The unsexy truth is sometimes the better answer is to just not
• 13:43
  go. Sometimes early sobriety is not
• 13:45
  a time to prove anything to anyone.
• 13:47
  A patio will still be there in six months and you will be a
• 13:49
  different version of yourself to be able to handle that
• 13:52
  situation. So sometimes you just have to
• 13:54
  say no. I'm, I'm, I don't feel like
• 13:57
  going today. You don't have to give a reason.
• 13:59
  Even I just, you know, it's I got to work on myself.
• 14:02
  Just say no. No is a full sentence.
• 14:04
  So the honest hard part is the longer you've been sober, the
• 14:08
  actually lonelier the the patio season can get because people
• 14:11
  stop noticing that you're not drinking.
• 14:14
  They know they don't. They don't know you're in
• 14:16
  recovery or sorry. They know you're in recovery and
• 14:18
  they don't really ask you how you're doing.
• 14:20
  They don't ask you. In the beginning, people used to
• 14:22
  ask me if it was OK that they drank in front of me.
• 14:24
  And of course I would always say yes.
• 14:25
  I don't want to adapt, make anyone adapt to me.
• 14:29
  I like I said, I'm coming here. I don't want anyone to change
• 14:32
  their behaviors for me. Sometimes people won't drink and
• 14:34
  that's OK, I should respect that too.
• 14:36
  But the longer you've been sober, the less people make
• 14:39
  space for your recovery in my experience.
• 14:42
  So check in on yourself and just be aware of that.
• 14:45
  People don't necessarily ask you how you're doing the longer
• 14:48
  you've been sober because they know you as a sober guy and you
• 14:51
  look like you have it all together.
• 14:53
  People assume you're fine, they'll order around without
• 14:55
  asking, they'll do a shot in front of you and or maybe
• 14:57
  accidentally offer you a shot because they forget that you're
• 15:00
  in recovery or whatever. So here's the piece I had to
• 15:02
  learn the hard way. It's my job to stay connected to
• 15:06
  my recovery while on the patio, over the beach or the rave of
• 15:09
  the festival. It's not my friend's job to
• 15:11
  curate my afternoon around me. It is my problem and my
• 15:15
  solution. It's on anybody else's
• 15:17
  responsibility to make sure that I'm OK and not triggered.
• 15:21
  That's the harsh truth. So the version of me that had 7
• 15:23
  1/2 years of recovery then was going to patios and raves and
• 15:27
  concerts. I'm I was not as careful back
• 15:31
  then when I relapsed because I had already been having secrets
• 15:34
  and not telling people how I was feeling and I was showing up as
• 15:37
  a stage character. I was presenting a mask to
• 15:39
  people. But I don't care how long I have
• 15:42
  sober, it'll always be that just as big as a threat.
• 15:46
  Relapse happens when I'm not thinking about relapse.
• 15:48
  It happens in those quiet moments when I am not focusing
• 15:52
  on drinking. It just comes out of nowhere.
• 15:54
  So I need to be vigilant of that no matter how long I have in
• 15:58
  recovery. It gets easier.
• 15:59
  Yes, the voice gets quieter in my mind about, hey, that's a
• 16:02
  good idea, you should drink. The voice gets quieter, but it's
• 16:05
  always there. The potential for relapse is
• 16:07
  there anytime, doesn't matter how long I have in recovery.
• 16:11
  So I want to bring it back to you.
• 16:12
  You're going to get through this summer.
• 16:14
  The first one is usually the hardest.
• 16:16
  There's a lot of firsts in recoveries.
• 16:17
  First patio is a first in recovery, first rave sober,
• 16:21
  first barbecue sober, first cookout sober, whatever your
• 16:25
  thing is, there's always going to be firsts.
• 16:27
  But once you get through that first one, then you know how to
• 16:31
  get through the 2nd ones. And then again, it comes with
• 16:32
  practice and repetition, learning your triggers.
• 16:35
  And oh, being on King St. triggers me.
• 16:38
  So I got to be hyper aware. I got to start talking to God
• 16:41
  earlier. I got to start praying or
• 16:43
  calling people in recovery when I get triggered because I'm
• 16:46
  going to get triggered on King Street.
• 16:47
  Just happens. I used to party there a lot.
• 16:50
  I spent a lot of time drinking and using on that street and
• 16:53
  those bars and bar hopping. Respect that.
• 16:56
  If you're sitting with a soda water or a virgin drink or a non
• 17:00
  alcoholic beverage this weekend, feeling like a stranger at your
• 17:04
  own table, I've been there man, I know what that feels like.
• 17:08
  You're not doing it wrong. You're just learning new
• 17:11
  situations. You're learning.
• 17:13
  You're adapting to your environment as a new sober
• 17:16
  person. Your identity is still forming
• 17:19
  because you for a long time we built up these identities of the
• 17:22
  drunk fun guy or mess guy or the guy who always has the bag.
• 17:27
  That was me. I always had the bag on me.
• 17:29
  I always had drugs on me. You're leaving that past behind.
• 17:32
  You're you're peeling off the layers of the onion and you're
• 17:34
  becoming a new person, a new version of yourself.
• 17:37
  You're building a new life go easy on yourself.
• 17:39
  It's not none of this stuff is easy, but it is simple.
• 17:42
  So leave a comment below or send me a message about your patio
• 17:45
  story or your summer drinking story or how you say it's over
• 17:48
  how you relapse. I want to hear from you.
• 17:50
  If you liked this episode, please follow on Spotify.
• 17:55
  I have a lot of people that are listening that aren't following.
• 17:56
  I would appreciate if you could follow and rate the podcast and
• 18:00
  the same with YouTube. I love every single one of you.
• 18:02
  Remember, recovery is simple, but it's not easy.