Latest / Do Hard Things™ with Siegfried Tiegs / Why You Keep Breaking Promises to Yourself and 5 Tactics to Help You Become Sovereign

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Why You Keep Breaking Promises to Yourself and 5 Tactics to Help You Become Sovereign · Do Hard Things™ with Siegfried Tiegs

• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm standing in my pantry.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's nine o'clock at night, and my hand is inside a bag of Doritos, and I'm not even hungry.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: Not even a little bit hungry.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like I just eaten dinner maybe an hour or so before.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm standing there.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, what the hell am I doing here?
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: And that question took me a long time to answer, honestly.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: When it finally did, it changed how I thought about discipline, about my own willpower, and who and what is actually running my life.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what this episode is all about.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: If we haven't met, I'm Siegfried J.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: Teagues.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a retired Army major, 27 years in uniform, former combat engineer.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm an executive leadership coach.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: I coach high performers.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: I speak.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: I wrote a book called Life on Offense, founded Do Hard Things Coaching and Consulting.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not here because I've got it all figured out.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm here because I got caught by a bag of chips.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: This beautiful, wonderful Doritos chips.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: They're so good.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm in my mid-40s.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: I got marathons and ultrals under my belt.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I, you know, I pride myself as being someone that is disciplined.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm standing here with a bag of chips, and I'm like, I'm not being very disciplined right now.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: What the hell was going on here?
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: And today we're going to be talking about the word sovereignty.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: Sovereignty.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'll define it, but I want to talk to you about you for a moment.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like, let me ask you something.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: Is there anything in your life right now that you've promised yourself that you would stop?
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's not a big dramatic thing.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not talking about like, you know, pulling your bootstraps up from rock bottom.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about the small stuff.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: The drink after work that might have been a Friday thing.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: Now it's a Tuesday evening thing.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: One became two.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: Two becomes four.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe it's the dip, the little pouch that you put in your lip.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: Something that at one time was like a conscious decision.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: And now you mindlessly pull out the little packet from the pouch and you stick it in your lip and you don't even realize that you're doing it.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's a cigar or cigarette, something that you're smoking, and it's not because you want anything.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's you're smoking because the day was long and you just want to relax.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe it's like maybe, maybe it's like the craving.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever that is for you, it comes in a variety of different ways.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the thing about all these things.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: No one wakes up on a Tuesday morning and says, you know what?
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to start drinking a six-pack every night to take the edge off.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: That'd be a good idea.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: No one decides that.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: No one plans on a can a day.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: No one sits down and says, hey, you know what, pack a day.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: That's not how this ground gets taken.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: There was no like line of embarkation or anything that you cross.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: There's no moment that you could point to on a calendar that says, you know what, I'm going to do this habit that I know is not good for me.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's it was a thousand small yeses that seemed good at the time, seemed very reasonable in the moment.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: And then one day you just happen to look up and realize that, you know what?
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: I might not be in control anymore.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not giving the orders anymore.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm following them.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: And look, you can't defend ground that you don't know that you're losing.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: So you have that realization, that that day that there's the shift.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: Something makes you look.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you saw yourself in a in a photo and you didn't like what you saw.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe your kid asks you why you always have a can of a can of dip in your hand.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: And what's that little pouch about?
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you drop the, you drop the trash can and the and the beer bottles fell out.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's like a Tuesday morning on trash day.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe your wife just asks you about it.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, something just lands and you just get that clean thought.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what the hell?
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: What when did this happen?
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: When is when did this become part of my life?
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: And it may be painful in the moment, but it's actually a really good day because that's when you have a level of awareness.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: So then you might make yourself a promise, like, that's it.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: You know what?
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm done.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: Monday, I'm done.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: And you mean it.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: You really, really do.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: You pick your date.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's after the trip, after the holidays, after the one last weekend, the last hurrah.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: And then you start.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: You get rid of it.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: For a few days, you're a different person, and it feels really, really good.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Then one night, the old friend is sitting there right in front of you, and you might hear it, oh, just this once.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: And you reason with yourself, I'll start fresh tomorrow.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: Then you break it.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: And it wasn't hard to break.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't like a dramatic collapse of willpower.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: You didn't fight some epic battle and lose.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: Something inside of you just kind of made the case and you just kind of accepted it.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: You know that little voice, the little inner bitch voice that shows up the second you try to put something down to test your will.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's like you've earned this.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's not a big deal.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: You've had a really rough week.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone else is drinking.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna look weird and stand out if you don't.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: You'll start again on Monday.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: Look, that voice isn't you, it's something that's negotiating against you.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: And it'll win.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: It'll win every time.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: And in that promise you made to yourself, like you just eroded a little bit of your confidence because you broke that promise to get yourself.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: So three weeks later, you make it again.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: Same little promise.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: You meant it just as much as the first time.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you lasted a little bit longer this time.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: And then another moment comes up where you're challenged and you break.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the cycle.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: Promise, break, quiet, repeat.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: Promise, break, quiet, repeat.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: And many people run that cycle for years, for years, before they finally, finally, like really, really make the habit change.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: So let's go back to the pantry.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: You know, one of mine has been food, always has been.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: I like the feeling of being full.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like I really like the feeling of the weight in my stomach, the the settling, the it just it satiates something inside of me.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: It turns the volume down of everything else in that moment.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: In the moment, it's really, really good.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's soothing, tastes good.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: And look, there's nothing wrong with any of that.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: That's what made it so hard to see.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: I had the perfect cover, mind you.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm active, I run marathons, ultra events, venture racing.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, I can just burn it off, right?
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that was my story, and I told it well, at least to myself.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know, the story couldn't explain the pantry, and I just started noticing in how I looked.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't really, I don't know.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: It it just that moment was like, I'm not even hungry, and I've got my hand in this chips.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what the hell am I doing?
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't how I want to live my life.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I couldn't explain why a guy who can, you know, run a marathon or 50K standing in his own kitchen at nine o'clock at night, not hungry, eating chips.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: And the reason that I did it was because I was scared of a room full of strangers.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: I had a big presentation coming up the next day.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: Big room.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: This is back when I was in the military.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: So big, big presentation, briefing, if you will, with senior leaders.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: And it's, you know, it, it, I just, I don't like feeling like an idiot.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't like when I don't know something really well.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: And it was essentially I had tremendous amounts of fear.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: Fear of looking silly, looking like an idiot.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what it was.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like I didn't, I didn't want to get out there and look like an idiot.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: And so that fear of the next day was showing up, and it was it was causing me to go to the pantry to get that soothing feeling.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: I always went to the pantry.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, the chips weren't fuel.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: It was more of an occupier.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: It had a job.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: That the job was to never allow me to fully sit with something uncomfortable.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: And the hardest thing that I have personally ever done, like I've done a lot of challenges.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: I've ran a lot of races and done a lot of hard things in my life, climbing mountains and all the things.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: One of the hardest challenges that I ever embarked on was a 72-hour fast.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: Three days, water only, nothing to reach for.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: And look, there's a lot of great health benefits from doing a 72-hour fast.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: That was, you know, a secondary reason.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: But I really wanted sovereignty and dominion over food.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Could I do this?
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: I had some friends that were doing 72-hour fasts that always have an excuse.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: Ah, I'm training for this, I'm training for that.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: I can't really do a fast right now.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: Deep down inside, it terrified me because it was going to force me to look at myself in the mirror.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I committed to the 72-hour fast.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: And it was, it was just, I don't know.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: The first my I've I've I've done fasts quarterly since.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: But the first time that I did a fast, it was sheer willpower.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I think I'm tough, locked in.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: I've got this.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: And day one was a little bit the the the you know, the hunger pangs came and I and I and I rode I rode the waves on them.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: But day two is where it gets really, really honest.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: That's that's how many times you find out, you know, how often you've been reaching.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: I've I found myself like mindlessly wandering into the pantry, opening up the door, inventorying the contents, reaching for something.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: And then I caught myself, I'm like, shit, what the hell am I doing here?
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm doing a 72-hour fast.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: I shouldn't even be here.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't even really make the decision to walk in there.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: It was like my mind and my legs kind of like guided me in there.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: And it finally registered, like, hey, wait a minute.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm fasting.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: What the hell am I doing here?
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: And it was just running the route that I'd made a thousand times that it never and it never needed my permission to do it before.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: And that's when I really understood how deep this went.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: I thought it was just simply like a little habit, but it was like a deep running program running underneath me, executing on its own.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know how many times I'd been in there mindlessly wandering into the pantry, trying to soothe my nerves.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: So the programming was something that I never fully authorized, never really noticed.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: And it was running, running strong.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: And so what changed for me?
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: Well, this is, you know, those three days, I really had to tap into grit.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: It was sitting in the discomfort, refusing to negotiate with this craving of soothing.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: And so tapping into grit, you know, I do hard things.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: I can, I can navigate through this and sit with the discomfort.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: The second thing is purpose.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: This is my this is my why.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: Like I wanted to be a sovereign man.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: I am a sovereign man, not a man that's run by a feeling, not a man that's run by something that I can't control.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: Sovereign man.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing has dominion over me.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: Then finally, peace.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: This is what showed up on the other side.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: When I finally understood who was in command and I reclaimed my sovereignty, that is when I found like a level of peace with this.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: Look, I still like eating, I like being full.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I got to be careful.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like I be careful, I'll find myself doing this from time to time when I'm super stressed.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: But now I have a high level of awareness to it.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: And what has changed is that food is I'm I'm aware that when I am fearful or anxious, that I will gravitate toward the feeling of being satiated with food.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: And so this is why once a quarter I'll go through and go through this fast, in addition to all the amazing health benefits.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: But a big part of it, the motivator for me, is to break the uh break the cycle, break the the control that food has over me.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: So the reason that this topic is on my mind and heart today is because I've got a new crop of men that I'm working with, all high performers.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: And in the last month, each one of them has had one of these things that they are overcoming.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: One quits cigars.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: The other one had habit to the little pouches, the little tobacco pouches.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: Two of them, it's been alcohol.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: And not one of them really called it like full quitting.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, they say that they're quitting, but the the wiring and the and the mantra, the reason for this is they were connecting it with their identity.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm tired of that thing having dominion and control over me.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm getting rid of this thing.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: And it wasn't a big payoff in pounds or dollars or numbers.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: They talked about better clarity in their life, sleep, being more present, waking up and recognizing the person in the mirror and being proud of who they are.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: And these guys, like looking back, they didn't realize how much control this thing had in their life until it no longer had.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: Many of them had dismissed it.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: They downplayed it.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's my little friend, just a little, you know, just something that I do until it was no longer in their life, and then they saw how much control over their life it actually had.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: So why do people have challenges with this thing?
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I call it a bullshit belief.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: In the book Life on Offense, it talks a lot about bullshit beliefs, and we will create a bullshit belief that we co-author in our mind.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: And for this particular one, I think the bullshit belief is you either have a problem or you don't.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: We live in a world where you're either an addict or you're fine.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: There's people that might need help, and then there's everybody else.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: And as long as you're holding down the job, showing up for your kids, not hiding bottles in your garage, you know, you put yourself in that second group, and you never really look because are you really hurting anybody?
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: Am I am I, you know, the people that are hurting people are they're the ones that have the problem, not me.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, you you over a slow period of time, you hand over territory of your life to this thing because you're not broken.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: You're not the one with the problem.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: And it's it's not binary.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's not binary.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's a spectrum.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's a spectrum.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: And so the question I have for you is what percentage of your choices are actually yours?
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: Let me let me rephrase this question.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: What percentage of my choices are actually mine?
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: What you just say that out loud to yourself.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: What percentage of my choices are actually mine?
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need rock bottom to justify taking ground back in your life.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to diagnose yourself as broken before you're allowed to want to take more command and more dominion over your own life.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: And willpower, a lot of people are like me, I need to tap into willpower.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: I think willpower is like the fuel tank to overcome.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: But identity, the shift happens when you tie it to your identity.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: Identity is the engine, the willpower is the fuel tank.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: And when you can connect it to your identity and make that shift, well, that's when the big shift happens.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: And so let's talk about sovereignty.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: What does sovereignty mean?
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it's a governing word.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: You know, a sovereign, a sovereign nation, it makes its own laws.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody outside of its borders decides what happens inside the borders.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: No foreign power sets the agenda.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: There's no occupying force that gets a vote.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: Now, put yourself in that sentence.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: Personal sovereignty is self-governance.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: You are the highest authority over your mind, your body, your time, attention, your choices, and your spirit.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: You set the terms, nothing else.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_00: Sovereignty means.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_00: Self-governance.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: In the book Life on Offense, I call it taking command.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: Taking command.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: So the thing is, you can't take command of ground that is occupied by something you don't control.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm going to share with you five tactics to help you overcome this.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: If this, if you're having a challenge with something in your life where you're trying to regain sovereignty.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: So, and I would say, you know, don't do all these at once.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: Just pick and choose, you know, which ones apply to you.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, tactic number one, call it running the 31-day test.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: Just pick one thing, one thing that you want to stop, and stop for 31 days.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's not forever, just simply a month on the calendar.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_00: Then just pay attention to what comes up.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: If it's easy, congratulations, you did it.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: It was a preference.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: Had no grip on you.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_00: You're sovereign.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: Go find the next one.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: But if your brain immediately starts negotiating with you, you might have found the occupier in your life.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: The intensity of the resistance tells you exactly how much ground you handed over.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_00: And look, most people aren't going to run this test.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_00: So they spent their entire lives assuming that they're free because no one's really asked them to prove it.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_00: One more thing on this one.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: You don't want to run this in your head.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_00: You want to track it.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_00: Pearson's law states when performance is measured, performance improves.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_00: When performance is measured and reported, the rate of improvement accelerates.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: So what does this mean?
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: You don't run this test in your head.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_00: You got to track it and you need to report it.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_00: Hence, you need accountability with this.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: And so if not, you know, your mind will revise the old record that you are running in your head when no one's checking.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: So tactic number one, run the 31-day test, write it down, and report it.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_00: Tactic number two, we're going to name the occupier.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_00: You can't fight what you don't see, what you don't look at.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: So write down exactly what has the grip on you.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: Not what you should quit, but what actually runs you.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_00: And then here are four questions that you can ask yourself in the realm of self-trust.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_00: How many times have you promised yourself that you would you would stop?
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_00: How many times have you already promised yourself that you would stop?
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_00: Energy.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_00: How's this affecting your energy?
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_00: What does the next morning and the next day look like?
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_00: Physical energy?
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_00: Emotional energy, mental energy, spiritual energy?
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_00: Presence.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_00: Who in your life isn't getting the real version of you?
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_00: The full version?
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_00: And then peace.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: How much of your week is going into managing this thing or thinking about this thing?
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_00: The fourth one, that's that's the one no one really like pays attention to.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like, how many how much time and resources, how much mental jujitsu are you are you putting into this thing?
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's eroding your peace.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_00: Some part of you is always working the problem in the background.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_00: Your subconscious is always on, managing the supply, timing it, hiding it, planning the weekend around whether it's going to be there, who's going to notice.
• 22:42
  unknown: That
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_00: The process is running more than you realize eating cycles in your life.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's a low-grade static that's eroding your peace.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_00: And that's it.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_00: So you gotta be aware of it.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta name the occupier and count what it's costing you.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_00: Tactic number three, change the identity, not the behavior.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: I kind of alluded to this.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_00: People think, you know, it's more of they're gonna attack the behavior.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I'm gonna drink less.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_00: Well, yes, that's part of the process, but you're gonna lose because you haven't changed your identity.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_00: There's a difference between I'm trying to quit versus I'm the person that doesn't do that.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_00: When you're the man who's trying to quit, you're like fighting against yourself.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_00: The man that says I don't do that, that is a man stating a fact.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_00: No one argues with a fact, including the voice in your head.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_00: I don't stay disciplined about food because I'm avoiding food.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_00: I stay disciplined because I'm an athlete, and athletes don't sabotage their own performance.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_00: And it's a decision of whom I decided to be.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_00: And you have to actually connect with it.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_00: This is the hardest part.
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_00: You actually have to believe the identity and truly, truly connect with it.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because an identity that you don't believe, it's just simply a slogan.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_00: And slogans will just fold, you know, the moment things get hard.
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_00: And you need to realize like, who is watching you?
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_00: You know, for me and my daughters are watching, my wife is watching, clients are watching, you know, put myself out of social media, people in the community are watching.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_00: And so what I want people to describe me as, I want to connect with that level of identity.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_00: And so, you know, nine o'clock, when I'm it look, I'm not perfect.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_00: I have slipped, it does happen every now and then, but it happens way less than it used to.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm now aware of it when it does happen.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_00: And but a big part of me overcoming this has been that absolute that that identity shift that you know what, I'm an athlete.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_00: This is what I do, I'm a high performer, and I have I don't allow things to have sovereignty over me.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_00: And when it does, I gotta get it back in check and I gotta pull out the tools and go through the go through the disciplined habits.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_00: So if you want things to change, you got to tie your identity to it.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_00: All right, tactic number four, engineer the environment.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_00: Willpower is the most useful thing that you own, but it can be the one that runs out the fastest.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_00: So might be you might have tremendous amounts of willpower earlier in the day, but then by six o'clock, at the end of the day, when you're when you're tired and hungry, the days beat you up, that is the moment where you lose your willpower.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_00: And so you got to change the train.
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_00: And as a combat engineer that spent, you know, most of my army career, that's what we did is we emplaced obstacles and we shaped maneuver.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_00: And so I'm gonna I'm gonna share with you just a little fun analogy about being an engineer and how how you shape your terrain and your environment.
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_00: So engineers do three things: mobility.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_00: We open ground so our own forces can move.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_00: Countermobility.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_00: We deny ground of the enemy and shape where they're able to go.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_00: And then survivability.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_00: We protect what matters.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_00: Countermobility is the one I'm going to really kind of focus on on this one.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's the entire discipline on one idea.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_00: You don't let the enemy's movement, you don't, you don't allow the enemy to decide where they get to go.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_00: You don't leave the enemy's movement up to the enemy.
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_00: You study the ground, you figure out how they want to move, and then you emplace the obstacle so his out his his route is not easy.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_00: You set the route that you want him on, and it becomes the path of least resistance.
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_00: And Army doctrine will give you four effects.
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_00: The first one being disrupt.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_00: You want to break up the flow so things can't run clean.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_00: Don't keep it cold, don't keep it in the room where you unwind, make it take four steps instead of one.
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_00: You're not making it impossible.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_00: You're just making it like really clumsy, like there's extra effort that has to go into it.
• 27:34
  SPEAKER_00: And a clumsy habit gives your brain time to catch up and ask you what the hell you're doing.
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_00: The next effect is turning.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_00: You want to redirect to the ground that you chose.
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_00: You're not gonna kill the cue, so you can give it somewhere else to go.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna you're gonna stock the good sparkling water, running shoes by the door, when six o'clock hits that that that you know, when you're tired, you're you're gonna you're gonna you're gonna go elsewhere.
• 28:03
  SPEAKER_00: And so you just get to kind of redirect it.
• 28:07
  SPEAKER_00: Fix.
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_00: That's the third effect.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna take away the speed.
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna put a little layer between you and and the reach.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe maybe give yourself a rule that, hey, you know what, before I make a decision, 10 minutes, 10-minute rule.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_00: Most habits only work at the speed of your own reflexes.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_00: So if you can slow it down to the speed of a decision, you'll be shocked at how many of them just kind of time out and you won't, you won't execute on it.
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_00: So take away the speed.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_00: And then finally, block.
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_00: You deny the terrain completely.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_00: You get it out of the house.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_00: If it's in the pantry, then then you just you just remove it, like you throw it away, like get it away from you.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_00: And it's much easier fight when it's not on the ground at all.
• 28:57
  SPEAKER_00: You've completely blocked it out of your life.
• 29:01
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this is where people get taken out.
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_00: You got your own personal terrain, your own house locked down.
• 29:09
  SPEAKER_00: You've gotten rid of it, right?
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_00: That's the terrain that you own.
• 29:13
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes you have to go to the company picnic or you go into your brother-in-law's cookout.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_00: And here's how you navigate that because you're going into enemy terrain then, right?
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_00: You need to show up with your own supply.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_00: Bring your own cooler with those athletic brews.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you eat before you go.
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you get something in your hand before anyone offers you anything.
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_00: Because look, an empty hand, that's a party invitation.
• 29:40
  SPEAKER_00: And so the biggest challenge, though, is someone's going to notice.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_00: They're going to look at you, then the question happens.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_00: And they give you the hard time.
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_00: Like, come on, just have one.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's not going to kill you.
• 29:53
  SPEAKER_00: Since when did you quit drinking?
• 29:56
  SPEAKER_00: Who are you now?
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even know who you are.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_00: They kind of jazz you a little bit.
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_00: And look, most of the time they're not being cruel.
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_00: They're not even really thinking about you, but you, but you've taken it on.
• 30:07
  SPEAKER_00: And you've stepped outside the box they put you in.
• 30:10
  SPEAKER_00: You're the man who's changing makes other people uncomfortable.
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know, your choice quietly asks them a question about their own choices.
• 30:21
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the real obstacle when you're at a public event or a cookout.
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's never the beer, it's the eyeballs.
• 30:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's the people looking at you.
• 30:30
  SPEAKER_00: So you want to plan your answers before you're standing there with everyone looking at you.
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_00: And keep it short.
• 30:35
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to explain.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm good, not tonight.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you simply say the fact.
• 30:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just not someone who drinks anymore.
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_00: You don't owe anyone a deep explanation.
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_00: And you don't need to get an argument over it.
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_00: And the second you start justifying to yourself, you've opened a negotiation.
• 30:54
  SPEAKER_00: And now you're outnumbered, tired, and you might lose.
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_00: So it's only awkward for about nine seconds, then it's over.
• 31:01
  SPEAKER_00: And then it gets a little less awkward every time until no one brings it up anymore.
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because it becomes part of your identity and others see it as part of your identity.
• 31:11
  SPEAKER_00: So tactic number four, engineer the environment, shape the ground before the fight.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_00: Final tactic number five, own your orders and report them.
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_00: So in the Army, we always say own your orders.
• 31:21
  SPEAKER_00: What it means is taking full responsibility for your mission, whether or not the order started with you.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_00: You don't tell your soldiers the order came from someone else.
• 31:31
  SPEAKER_00: You own it and you execute.
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's the same thing here.
• 31:33
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever path you take, whatever actions you choose, they're yours.
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_00: No one made you.
• 31:40
  SPEAKER_00: Your buddy brought a bottle over, and you're the one who opened it.
• 31:43
  SPEAKER_00: It was a rough week.
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_00: You're the one trying to decide what a rough week entitles you to.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_00: Your schedule is yours.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_00: Your pantry is yours.
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_00: You own all of it.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_00: Extreme ownership.
• 31:56
  SPEAKER_00: So owning your orders does that mean, does it mean go quiet and do it alone?
• 32:05
  SPEAKER_00: You need a battle buddy.
• 32:06
  SPEAKER_00: Someone you can report to.
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_00: You need an accountability partner.
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_00: Someone that knows the status of your mission, your reason for the change.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_00: Someone that's going to ask you about how you're doing with it.
• 32:18
  SPEAKER_00: And there's a couple different ways that you can go about it.
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_00: One, you can burn the ships.
• 32:22
  SPEAKER_00: You can say it out loud to people on purpose.
• 32:24
  SPEAKER_00: Tell your spouse, tell your crew, post on social media, the moment you announce it, you burn the ship you were planning to retreat on.
• 32:36
  SPEAKER_00: And you don't fight as hard when there's a way home.
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_00: So when you burn the ship, you know, you know that people are watching you and they're going to be asking you about it.
• 32:47
  SPEAKER_00: The second thing you can do is name your battle buddy, your witness.
• 32:51
  SPEAKER_00: Because you need someone that can hold you accountable.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_00: If you put it out there on social media, yeah, you're going to have this level of accountability, but it's not as powerful as your battle buddy who's going to directly ask you about it.
• 33:05
  SPEAKER_00: You might post about it on social media.
• 33:07
  SPEAKER_00: 100 people like the post, but not one of them is going to text you and ask you how you're holding up, like your personal accountability partner.
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_00: So pick a person, tell them the mission and the job.
• 33:21
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what I'm doing.
• 33:23
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what I'm tracking.
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the damn good report.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_00: When you see me ask about it, pick someone that's going to hold your feet to the fire.
• 33:33
  SPEAKER_00: Not someone who loves you and is going to let you off.
• 33:37
  SPEAKER_00: The person's going to hold you accountable.
• 33:39
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 33:40
  SPEAKER_00: Tactic number five.
• 33:41
  SPEAKER_00: Own your orders and report them.
• 33:44
  SPEAKER_00: So four ways.
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_00: Here's a few potential mistakes.
• 33:47
  SPEAKER_00: Four ways to blow this.
• 33:49
  SPEAKER_00: One, don't stop at the announcement.
• 33:52
  SPEAKER_00: Going public burns the ships and you need that.
• 33:56
  SPEAKER_00: But a post is a commitment, it's not a check-in.
• 33:58
  SPEAKER_00: Announce it to the crowd, then hand the reporting job to one human being, your accountability partner.
• 34:06
  SPEAKER_00: Two, don't white knuckle it when the trigger is still in the house.
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_00: Quit leading with willpower.
• 34:15
  SPEAKER_00: The best thing to do is get rid of it.
• 34:19
  SPEAKER_00: Get it out of you.
• 34:19
  SPEAKER_00: Don't be tempted by it.
• 34:21
  SPEAKER_00: Put layers.
• 34:21
  SPEAKER_00: Go back to the tactics.
• 34:23
  SPEAKER_00: If you can block it, that's always the best.
• 34:26
  SPEAKER_00: But if you can, whatever you need to do to put layers between you and the thing.
• 34:34
  SPEAKER_00: Number three.
• 34:39
  SPEAKER_00: The something in your setup along the way gave way to the wrong choice.
• 34:50
  SPEAKER_00: Connect it back to your identity of who you want to be and remember why you started in the first place.
• 34:59
  SPEAKER_00: And then number four, don't swap one occupier for another and call it a win.
• 35:06
  SPEAKER_00: I I think about this clip in was it Uncle Buck.
• 35:12
  SPEAKER_00: He tells his sister-in-law that he stopped smoking cigars.
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_00: He's on a five-year program.
• 35:16
  SPEAKER_00: No, he stopped smoking cigarettes.
• 35:18
  SPEAKER_00: And she's like, oh, great.
• 35:19
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, yeah, I'm on a five-year program.
• 35:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to do five years of cigars, then five years of pipe, and then five years of chewing tobacco.
• 35:27
  SPEAKER_00: So it just makes me laugh because it's like, you don't want to swap one occupier for another one and call that a win, right?
• 35:35
  SPEAKER_00: That's not that's not sovereignty.
• 35:37
  SPEAKER_00: So that's just that's a form of change management.
• 35:41
  SPEAKER_00: So here's what we want to leave you with.
• 35:45
  SPEAKER_00: Sovereignty is not a personality trait, it's a decision that you make.
• 35:51
  SPEAKER_00: And it's territory that you defend one decision at a time, and you can take it back the same way that you got it, slowly, quietly, daily.
• 35:59
  SPEAKER_00: Grit, doing hard things, gets you through the discomfort.
• 36:03
  SPEAKER_00: This is the awkward part of it, getting comfortable with the discomfort of it.
• 36:09
  SPEAKER_00: Purpose is reminding yourself that it is worth it and it's part of your identity.
• 36:14
  SPEAKER_00: And think of reminding yourself of the bigger reason.
• 36:17
  SPEAKER_00: And then peace is what's waiting on the other side.
• 36:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's always the big payoff.
• 36:23
  SPEAKER_00: So whatever that thing is that you're navigating with, just realize that you're not alone and go back.
• 36:31
  SPEAKER_00: And if you need to re-listen to this podcast to get the steps down again, feel free to do so.
• 36:36
  SPEAKER_00: And you can feel free to uh reach out directly if you're having a challenge with something.
• 36:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'll be your accountability partner.
• 36:42
  SPEAKER_00: We do some hard things together to overcome this.
• 36:45
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's that's it.
• 36:47
  SPEAKER_00: If I have a program called the Fast in the Focus 31-day challenge, and it opens up with a fast.
• 36:53
  SPEAKER_00: And it finishes up with the Do Hard Things 28, 28 days of tracking across high performance energy drivers like nutrition, hydration, movement, mindset, rest, recovery, discipline rituals.
• 37:05
  SPEAKER_00: The fast can be a water-only fast, or maybe it's a digital detox.
• 37:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's fasting from something that you know that you should be doing or you shouldn't be doing.
• 37:14
  SPEAKER_00: And if if you if you need fasting from something like one of these items that we talked about, that occupier item, you can make the whole challenge.
• 37:23
  SPEAKER_00: Put tactic number one, make it part of your 31-day ritual of what you're going to give up.
• 37:29
  SPEAKER_00: So you go to dohardthingscoaching.com and reach out.
• 37:33
  SPEAKER_00: We'll put you on the mailing list of when we have the the next fast and focus challenge.
• 37:37
  SPEAKER_00: So what's running in your life that you never chose?
• 37:45
  SPEAKER_00: What's running in your life that you never chose?
• 37:48
  SPEAKER_00: Find it, name it, take the ground back.
• 37:52
  SPEAKER_00: You're the captain of your ship.
• 37:54
  SPEAKER_00: Take command.
• 37:55
  SPEAKER_00: Now let's get to work.
• 37:57
  SPEAKER_00: Appreciate you listening to this episode.
• 37:59
  SPEAKER_00: Feel free to share it with someone that needs to hear it.
• 38:02
  SPEAKER_00: Sponsored by dohardthingscoaching.com.
• 38:05
  SPEAKER_00: Check us out with all of our upcoming events, and uh, we'll see you on the other side.
• 38:08
  SPEAKER_00: Keep doing hard things.