Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / The 100% Marriage (and Why 50-50 Is Some BS)

Transcript

The 100% Marriage (and Why 50-50 Is Some BS) · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody. And welcome to the doctor.
• 0:08
  Psych mom show. Please subscribe to my podcast
• 0:12
  so that I can keep providing you with awesome new content and
• 0:16
  great episodes. And overall, I am really trying
• 0:20
  to give people a lot of bonus episodes to so that you have
• 0:25
  something for when you subscribe and the most recent one that I
• 0:29
  did was on why reality TV is actually very educational and
• 0:35
  Logically beneficial for both you and your relationship,
• 0:38
  particularly, if you are an adult child of a dysfunctional
• 0:42
  family. So you really want to subscribe
• 0:45
  and check out that episode and the reality TV shows that I
• 0:50
  mention Like Love is Blind. You may like them, you may not
• 0:54
  but I think I will give you something to think about in that
• 0:56
  episode for why maybe you should not condescend to reality TV.
• 1:00
  If you do now or if you're the partner of a A person who likes
• 1:05
  reality TV, why maybe you should start watching it with them when
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  they want you to? All right.
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  So what I want to talk about today is the idea of the hundred
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  percent marriage and what I mean by that is there is this idea
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  that like everybody gives 50% in a healthy marriage and that
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  equals to 100. And I really doesn't work.
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  So, what I want to talk about instead is the idea that if
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  everybody both people give 100% in the mouth, Ridge.
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  That this actually is the only thing that adds up to a healthy
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  marriage and this counters really a lot of our society's
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  assumptions about the importance of the individual versus the
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  unit. And I mean there is a reason why
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  so many marriages end in divorce.
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  And that I feel like is r.l. is related to this Western emphasis
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  on the individual versus the collective, which we don't see.
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  See as much in other cultures, right?
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  And while it's all well, and good for people to be
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  self-actualized, the idea of looking out for yourself and
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  looking out for number one, at all costs is really sabotages.
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  It really sabotages, most marriages.
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  So that is really what I want to discuss and it's really relevant
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  when people say yeah well I don't want to start trying on
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  XYZ and My partner does so and so they start trying on their
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  end. So women that say, well, I don't
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  want to start trying to have better sex with him until he's
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  nicer to me. And then men who say, well, I
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  won't be nicer to her till she's having sex with me right?
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  And so you can imagine both people are equally right but
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  what does right really get you. It gets you usually divorced but
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  at the very least it gives you a shit marriage and that is what
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  we're trying to avoid. So what would it really?
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  You look like if you gave 100% and expected that the other
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  person would rise to the occasion and give 100% or not.
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  And that you just with a full heart decided to be the best
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  spouse that you could be in the same way that you try to be the
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  best parent that you could be in.
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  You don't expect your kid to then give a hundred percent
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  being your kid. And if you do then that's messed
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  up. You know, you should want them
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  to be good and to listen, be respectful but you're giving
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  100% because you love them now. Because you're expecting a 14-1
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  linear correspondence in their actions that go with every time
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  you do an action they do an action.
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  So what would it really look like to be giving 100% in your
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  marriage and not to be waiting for the other person to give
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  their 50% so you could give your 50%.
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  So what this would mean is that you would really then be doing
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  Love Languages the way that they were intended.
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  There was an interesting article that came out that I'll see if I
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  could find and link to you guys. I think in the Atlantic about
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  how love languages were originally written by Gary
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  Chapman. They were originally come up
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  with, by Gary. Chapman was a pastor to talk
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  about ways that you could be, a better partner.
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  You were only supposed to care about your partner's.
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  Love language to know how you could better fill it more.
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  Like, what we do when nowadays, love languages, has hit the
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  mainstream so much that we talked about our kids love
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  languages, right? So it is more like what I'm
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  saying, what the original intent was, but in our culture and the
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  article discussed this, now, everybody is more.
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  Advertising their own love language.
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  So, you know, they'll say My love language is physical touch
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  and therefore, my partner should give me physical touch be, was
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  really only intended. Originally to know what your
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  partner's love language was so that you could give it to them.
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  So this is what it would mean to be giving 100% as a partner, you
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  would now be thinking, what is my partner's love language and
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  how could I do it for them? So it's similar to my article
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  and my podcast episode about. What would your partner?
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  To be like if they got all the physical affection they wanted,
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  but it would be with whatever their Love Languages.
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  What would be they'd be like, if they got everything that they
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  wanted or that you could do how much different would they act?
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  And would this be enough to transform your relationship,
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  from some Tit for Tat, sort of aggrieved distant, competitive,
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  frustrating, Dynamic, to something where you really both
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  Leaf, both lie. Both feel that you are getting
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  the love that you always yearned for and that you're able to give
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  that yourself to your partner as well.
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  Think about what your children would learn about love in such a
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  scenario and how much more appealing marriage and
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  relationships. Would look to your children
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  especially if they have been viewing.
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  More of this bickering standoffish sort of dynamic
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  where each person is responsible.
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  The trying to jockey for position and get their own needs
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  met and to get at least 50 percent but hopefully more out
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  of any interaction. So what would this look like in
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  terms of picking where to go for dinner?
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  Each person would be trying to find what the other person wants
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  to eat for dinner because it really gives a shit.
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  What you want to eat for dinner. What would it look like in bed?
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  Each person would be trying to do what the other person wants
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  and then Many cases. This would mean the man is
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  trying to cuddle the woman and give her a back rub and then the
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  woman's trying to have sex with the man that would seem like a
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  real nice situation where both people are trying to do what the
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  other person wants. And I don't mean cuddle before
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  sex, I mean the man says yeah we're probably just going to
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  cuddle because she's tired and I want to give her a back rub
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  because she's tired and the woman thanks.
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  Oh, I really want to give him a nice experience because I love
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  him. You know?
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  I mean that would actually be If a man actually did seem like he
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  didn't want to get anything, he would probably be more likely to
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  get something. But if you say this, if that has
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  to be manipulative, that it's crazy making.
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  So I'm not saying that. Anybody should take this episode
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  to me a no-good another strategy for manipulating my spouse.
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  No, totally not. I mean you would have to get
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  there with a full heart that man in that situation would have to
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  deeply introspect. Do I love my wife?
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  Yes. So do I want to Make her life
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  better. Yes.
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  So does that mean maybe I shouldn't be up her ass for sex
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  all the time? Yes.
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  So therefore what should I do? I should just cuddle her talk to
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  her whatever and I'm really gonna trust to know that if she
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  wants to have sexual tell me and I'm going to fully give her my
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  love in the way that she wants it.
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  Whether that's words of affirmation acts of service,
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  just cuddle, non-sexual physical touch or whatever.
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  And the woman would probably after a bunch of this treatment
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  starts to be like, wow. Wow, he's really being nice for
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  a change and he doesn't seem to be just getting his piece of the
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  pie anymore or trying to. So maybe I really need to think
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  deeply about my sex drive, and how to work on and how to be the
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  wife that this loving, man really would Thrive with and
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  deserved. This would be two people trying
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  their best to love each other. So if you did not see a marriage
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  like this growing up it's really hard to imagine that it could be
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  like this. This.
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  And if you saw two people constantly in a power struggle,
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  jockeying for position, then it's very it's going to be very
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  different than what I am saying. But you probably also learned a
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  lot of shitty things about marriage and that are informing
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  how you are viewing marriage today.
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  And I've learned about the competitive marriage, I could
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  link you to that and it's always comes from what you saw growing
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  up. Like if you saw a father that
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  was really trying to make your mother happy and a mother that
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  was really trying to make your father.
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  Happy genuinely. Then this stuff is easy peasy.
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  And you don't know what I'm going on about because to you,
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  this is understandable. And maybe you're somebody who
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  just follows me for parenting tips like good more power to
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  you. But for the majority of people
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  that are trying to listen to ways to improve their marriage,
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  they didn't see a very good marriage growing up.
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  They either saw something emotionally distant, or they saw
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  something incredibly enmeshed in mesh means, there's no
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  boundaries, and people are like up each others butts all the
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  time but not in a positive way. Way.
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  And really, codependent way, I should probably do a podcast
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  episode on codependency because nobody really understands what
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  that means fully. It's a real good buzz word but
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  nobody really understands it because it means like different
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  things kind of according to whatever sort of, you know,
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  person you're listening to. It's not actual diagnosis.
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  By the way, codependency, it's more of a description of a
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  dynamic and I will just very cursorily tell you that what
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  codes? And see means is people can't
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  function without each other but not in a real romantic kind of
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  way more in like a way that is very asphyxiating.
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  You know it's very stifling people don't really have lives
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  outside of the relationship in any sort of way.
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  So it's not like two individuals being interdependent which is
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  the ideal. It's more like somebody drinks
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  too much and the other person is always like doing stuff for them
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  around the house so that they seem to look like Like somebody
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  who functions when they're not or somebody has really bad
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  depression. But instead of actually treating
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  it, their partner, just like, does everything, but complains
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  about it and one person is kind of a child.
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  And the other person is an adult, all of my couples you
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  meet in counseling, mr. Perfect.
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  And it's crazy why for the Ice Queen in the Martyr.
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  All of those. Those are really, just
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  codependent dynamics of different sorts, but I will do
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  like, more of an episode about that if you guys want.
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  So, anyhow, What I am talking about is something that isn't
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  that I'm talking about two independent healthy, people that
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  are deeply committed to being in a loving marriage.
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  Just like they're committed to being parents nowadays, being
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  parents, trumps everything. And as I've talked about, that's
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  incredibly child-centered and a lot of burden on the child, who
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  should really be a little Orbiter around the main Sun,
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  this planetary analogy of a healthy couple that Loves each
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  other. So what can you do?
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  Just today to see if you can get into this Frame of Mind?
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  There are many things, you could decide to cook the dinner.
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  That your spouse really likes without thinking about what you
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  would the kids want. Instead, you could give them
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  their love language for 15 minutes without expecting to get
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  anything back. You could, even if it may have
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  nothing to do with your spouse, you could reach out and schedule
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  therapy for yourself because you recognize some of your parents
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  in any of Descriptors that of codependency or jockeying for
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  position, or just basically miserable people who didn't work
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  on their relationship and gave you a bad example of marriage
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  through no fault of their own intentionally.
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  But happened to show you a shitty marriage.
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  That then it's hard for you to learn what a good marriage is.
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  You could send this podcast to your partner and say, do you
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  think that we do this? Do you want to try, you couldn't
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  respect deeply about what your children are learning from
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  watching you and your Owner, you know, and it's usually if you
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  think, well what they're learning is like, I'm a good
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  spouse, but my spouse is kind of a jerk.
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  No, you're not interests, pectin that you're just being an echo
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  chamber for your preferred narrative.
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  So, any sort of deep introspection?
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  That's objective. Can help you be a better partner
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  and parent for that matter and person or actively trying to
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  change a behavior. This is why cognitive behavioral
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  therapy is called cognitive behavioral therapy.
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  You change cognitions, but then you also change the behaviors.
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  So anything you could do to either think about your
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  relationship and your role in a differently.
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  Now, focus on your problems like you being selfish because even
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  the Martyr that ostensibly does, everything for the other person
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  is getting a lot of gratification and self-worth
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  from that self conceptualization and frequently, they are able to
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  then avoid getting outside their comfort zone.
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  Were being intimate and other ways because they Are doing
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  everything. So they're so tired from over
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  functioning refer back to my over functioning episode that
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  then they can't do whatever the other person really wants.
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  You know so use this episode as really a Spur to think deeply
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  about whether you are being a partner that is loving in any
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  meaningful way to your partner. Remember if you're cooking them
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  dinner all the time but they would much rather have sex.
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  You're not being a good partner, you're just cooking a lot of
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  dinner and if you are buying your wife, a lot of stuff but
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  you'll never talk to her. And what she really wants is for
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  you to have a deep conversation with her that you're not being a
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  good guy just because you got her a great car that she would
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  sell in a heartbeat for you know, you to talk to her more.
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  So think about who you really are and who you are showing your
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  kids, you are in your marriage versus who you want to be.
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  Most people have a deep Desire to love and be loved or any of
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  your at actions hindering your ability to fully love and be
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  loved in this way. And how can you use this model
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  of the 100% marriage to make things better for you?
• 15:02
  So I hope that that gives you stuff to think about please
• 15:06
  reach out with any questions or things that you want me to
• 15:10
  cover. And again, please subscribe to
• 15:14
  this podcast. I will try to do Some more
• 15:17
  videos to because if you don't follow me on Instagram, it's dr.
• 15:21
  Dot psych mom, I've been doing some Instagram lives and people
• 15:24
  seem to like those. It's like everything that I
• 15:27
  don't like people like like I don't like listening to podcast
• 15:30
  people like podcasts. I don't like watching videos.
• 15:32
  People like videos. What do I like to do?
• 15:34
  I like to read. That's why I had a Blog for so
• 15:36
  many years, but everybody's a different kind of learner and I
• 15:39
  am learning that many people like to listen and like to see
• 15:44
  me talk and hear me talk. Talk and that is more how they
• 15:48
  process the information. So that's great.
• 15:51
  And I'm trying them to Branch out in those ways to make use of
• 15:55
  the fact that people learn in different ways and frequently
• 15:58
  within one, couple one will be the reader and one will be the
• 16:01
  listener. And so it doesn't really work
• 16:04
  for all these women to be sending or sometimes men to be
• 16:07
  sending their wives, my blog posts that this person is never
• 16:11
  going to read. So hopefully these podcasts and
• 16:14
  videos can fill that. Gap.
• 16:17
  And I hope everybody has a great day and I'll talk to you soon.