Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 147. Faking Happy: Did I choose the wrong person to Marry?

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147. Faking Happy: Did I choose the wrong person to Marry? · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

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  Speaker 1: Apogee Production I easier advice. Are you okay what happened?
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  Speaker 1: Promise it won't be too much bring it in.
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  Speaker 2: Welcome to our Bestie segment. Girls, girl, this is the
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  Speaker 2: place for you. Welcome back to another bestI episode. We
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  Speaker 2: have a very big submission for you today, very interesting story. Now.
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  Speaker 2: Best the Advice is where you can bring in your stories,
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  Speaker 2: any hard, sticky situations that you're going through or anything
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  Speaker 2: that you feel like you just have no one to
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  Speaker 2: turn to when it comes to the challenges in your life.
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  Speaker 2: So this is where you can bring it into us
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  Speaker 2: and we will give you our most honest bestie advice.
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  Speaker 1: It's every Tuesday and Friday, So if you love these
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  Speaker 1: type of episodes, we're in your ears twice a week
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  Speaker 1: with this.
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  Speaker 2: We asked, all right, have you got for us?
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  Speaker 1: Okay? Hi, girls. I've been a long term follow of
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  Speaker 1: Ashley and came across Tiana when she Rises started. I'm
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  Speaker 1: married and we have a child together. A little background.
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  Speaker 1: I come from a very big, loving, but toxic family.
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  Speaker 1: I'm one of seven siblings and I'm the youngest. My
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  Speaker 1: dad passed away when I was very young, but he
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  Speaker 1: wasn't the best dad and I don't remember much, but
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  Speaker 1: my siblings were deeply affected by him and our parents' relationships.
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  Speaker 1: Growing up. I feel like my childhood was robbed by
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  Speaker 1: my siblings. I was shown a lot of love and
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  Speaker 1: attention from everyone, but I was restricted from almost everything.
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  Speaker 1: I wasn't trusted. I wasn't allowed to go out. I
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  Speaker 1: wasn't allowed to talk to boys, have a phone, use
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  Speaker 1: social media, or go anywhere. Once I finished school, I
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  Speaker 1: started to get a little more freedom. I got my
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  Speaker 1: first phone in year twelve and was allowed social media,
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  Speaker 1: but I had to share my passwords with my siblings.
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  Speaker 1: I did something reckless as a teenager and ran away
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  Speaker 1: from home, but I returned because I had nowhere else
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  Speaker 1: to go. During puberty, my friends became my lifeline, and
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  Speaker 1: I shared with them everything that was happening at home.
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  Speaker 1: When I was nineteen, I met my husband. I fell
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  Speaker 1: for him and dated him secretly for many years. I
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  Speaker 1: eventually confide in one of my siblings, who was very supportive,
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  Speaker 1: and eventually our families met. We got engaged, married a
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  Speaker 1: few years later, and now we have a child together.
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  Speaker 1: Now I've realized that because I wasn't given freedom or
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  Speaker 1: even the opportunity to understand what freedom meant. I chose
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  Speaker 1: the wrong person to marry. My husband is a great
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  Speaker 1: human being, but he's not what I envisioned for myself.
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  Speaker 1: I'm financially dependent on him as I've resigned from a
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  Speaker 1: toxic workplace. He gives me money and spoils me, but
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  Speaker 1: I still have to ask money for basic things like
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  Speaker 1: buying our child or toy food, or even simple lipstick
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  Speaker 1: for myself. Who won't just randomly give me money. He's
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  Speaker 1: very smart with money, and I know he has a lot,
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  Speaker 1: but I don't have access to any of it. I
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  Speaker 1: have my own account and he has his own. He
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  Speaker 1: knows what's in mind because I've happily shared it, but
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  Speaker 1: he never shares his with me. He's very private, and
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  Speaker 1: I know he's not cheating, but he's just not the
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  Speaker 1: person I'm being with. He also doesn't teach our child
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  Speaker 1: basic things that parents usually teach. Day by day, I'm
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  Speaker 1: realizing that I made a huge mistake and that I
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  Speaker 1: settled for less, lowering my own standards. All my siblings
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  Speaker 1: have kids of their own, and their children are allowed
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  Speaker 1: to go anywhere, have what they want, and their parents
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  Speaker 1: encourage them to find someone they love. I don't know
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  Speaker 1: what I really want out of this, but I don't
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  Speaker 1: want to leave my husband. My family would never accept
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  Speaker 1: a divorce. I have no financial independence, I have chronic
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  Speaker 1: health issues, and I want my son to have the
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  Speaker 1: life he has now because I know I won't be
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  Speaker 1: able to survive without any support. My husband thinks I'm
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  Speaker 1: happy because I fake it and I show that I'm
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  Speaker 1: the happiest person because of our child. A home environment
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  Speaker 1: is stable, but I'm stuck in anger, hatred, and jealousy
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  Speaker 1: towards my family. I have a great relationship with them
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  Speaker 1: now and my mum relies on me, but I still
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  Speaker 1: feel a lot of anger towards them. Sorry, I've just
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  Speaker 1: typed everything a little mixed up. But therapy won't be
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  Speaker 1: an option for me because I'm literally surviving on my
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  Speaker 1: husband's wage and there's no way i'll share all of
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  Speaker 1: this with him. He doesn't meet my emotional needs and
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  Speaker 1: will just give me a hug if I share with him.
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  Speaker 1: How else can I get through this and not feel
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  Speaker 1: like the hater or anything towards my own siblings and
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  Speaker 1: the kids. Thank you so much for reading this.
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  Speaker 2: Oh I'm so sorry going through this. This is such
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  Speaker 2: a tough thing to be. Sitting within those thoughts and
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  Speaker 2: feelings and emotions with everything that you're carrying and holding
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  Speaker 2: can feel so scary yecause it's a lot consuming, it's
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  Speaker 2: so consuming. The first thing that comes to my head
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  Speaker 2: is what I can hear is that you lack freedom.
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  Speaker 2: And the way that you can get freedom and immediately
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  Speaker 2: give yourself a sense of relief is to do something
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  Speaker 2: of your own and go get a job. Yeah, you know,
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  Speaker 2: because when I think about you know the pressure and
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  Speaker 2: the restriction that you would be feeling. It's I can't
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  Speaker 2: ask for things, I can't spend my own money. I
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  Speaker 2: don't want to spend his money, and I don't feel
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  Speaker 2: like I'm doing anything for myself. And going out and
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  Speaker 2: getting a job will give you a sense of independence
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  Speaker 2: that maybe you don't feel right now. So I think
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  Speaker 2: that's maybe the first stepping stone, at least in my
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  Speaker 2: head that I think of that. I'm like, oh, that
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  Speaker 2: would solve at least three of your problems right now.
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  Speaker 1: I want if she's a stay at home mum, and
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  Speaker 1: traditionally that's what he wants, and he's got a bit
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  Speaker 1: of control over that. Like I'm the working parent, you're
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  Speaker 1: staying home with that kids so we don't have to
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  Speaker 1: send them to daycare.
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  Speaker 2: But then she said that she was also in a
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  Speaker 2: job before, but she left a toxic work environment. So
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  Speaker 2: it was like the workspace wasn't good. So she had
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  Speaker 2: a job and she was seriously doing something, Yeah, but
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  Speaker 2: it just wasn't the right space.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's true. So maybe, yeah, that's a really good advice,
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  Speaker 1: you know, to get a new job.
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  Speaker 2: And I wonder if maybe you feel a little bit
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  Speaker 2: scared to go get a new job because you feel
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  Speaker 2: a bit tainted from the last one that you're like,
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  Speaker 2: I don't want to go back into another toxic work environment.
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  Speaker 2: But they're not all like that, I know. And it's
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  Speaker 2: also going to give you a sense of what's the word,
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  Speaker 2: like a sense of life and community outside of family,
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  Speaker 2: you know, like you kind of don't have much outside
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  Speaker 2: of family or like the one to two people that
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  Speaker 2: you see. It's like sometimes you need more conversations, different conversations.
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  Speaker 2: Maybe you need emotional connection with coworkers, with other women,
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  Speaker 2: like maybe you can get those needs met from other people.
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  Speaker 2: So I really think and obviously this is you know,
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  Speaker 2: a conversation you have to have with yourself. But I
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  Speaker 2: think that would solve at least three of your problems
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  Speaker 2: right now.
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  Speaker 1: I think so too. Yeah, and there definitely is a
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  Speaker 1: lot of things that you want to change, and unfortunately,
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  Speaker 1: no matter what advice we give you, like, you have
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  Speaker 1: to want to change the things in your life otherwise
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  Speaker 1: you're going to be sitting here for the next five
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  Speaker 1: years feeling exactly how you're feeling. I too, would also
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  Speaker 1: just be getting to know myself on a deeper level.
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  Speaker 1: I'll be listening to podcasts, going and exercise and getting
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  Speaker 1: a fresh air, like really grounding myself and just taking
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  Speaker 1: care of me as well, because it sounds like you
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  Speaker 1: just don't do anything for yourself. It's all revolved around
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  Speaker 1: your child and your husband and your mom and your family,
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  Speaker 1: which is beautiful, but you're really putting yourself last and
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  Speaker 1: which makes you just feel stuck. And it's the opposite
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  Speaker 1: of freedom because you feel like you're in a prison
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  Speaker 1: cell to everyone else's needs except for your own.
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  Speaker 2: That's a good one.
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  Speaker 1: It's not selfish to take care of yourself. I think
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  Speaker 1: it's really important that you do. I think getting a
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  Speaker 1: job and you're doing something fun for yourself outside of
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  Speaker 1: everything would be really really helpful.
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  Speaker 2: And I think you know, when we build a certain
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  Speaker 2: level of resentment, it usually like and it sounds like
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  Speaker 2: you're kind of doing this at the moment. Is like
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  Speaker 2: we build resentment when we're not speaking up about things.
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  Speaker 2: You know, we're not being who we want to be,
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  Speaker 2: We're not acting how we want to act, we're not
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  Speaker 2: saying things, we're not standing by the things that are.
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  Speaker 1: Imputtn to us.
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  Speaker 2: So it might be worth noting what specifically you're angry
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  Speaker 2: and resentful about and then like writing those things down,
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  Speaker 2: getting really clear on them. Okay, do I need to
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  Speaker 2: have a conversation here? Is this something I feel safe
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  Speaker 2: to have a conversation around, or like, where am I
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  Speaker 2: myself contributing to me feeling resentful?
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  Speaker 1: You know what I mean?
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  Speaker 2: Am I getting mad at him because I'm not speaking up?
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  Speaker 2: You're getting mad at him because you don't have a job,
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  Speaker 2: and right now you feel like you're freedom being taken
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  Speaker 2: away when you know, maybe he's actually supportive and he's
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  Speaker 2: like no, no, no, like I've got you. Don't worry.
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  Speaker 2: You know that obviously is dependent on your situation, of course,
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  Speaker 2: but I think one thing at a time, Yeah, And
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  Speaker 2: how do you know that you've chosen the wrong man?
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  Speaker 2: This will be really cool for you. The more that
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  Speaker 2: you pour into yourself, like what Ashually was saying, the
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  Speaker 2: more that you invest in yourself and make it a
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  Speaker 2: priority to put yourself first, get to know yourself, get
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  Speaker 2: clear on what it is that you want, you can
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  Speaker 2: then go Okay, maybe was me not feeling good in
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  Speaker 2: myself contributing to how I was feeling in the relationship,
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  Speaker 2: or do I genuinely just know maybe I made not
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  Speaker 2: the best decision here and I made it erradically.
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  Speaker 1: There definitely is options and choice as well. Like I've
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  Speaker 1: had so many friends that have broken up their families
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  Speaker 1: because they weren't happy, and they too were financially dependent.
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  Speaker 1: But I'm not sure where you live, but there is
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  Speaker 1: like single parents funding and it was your child support.
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  Speaker 1: And i haven't been in that situation, but I've watched
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  Speaker 1: friends go through, and there is ways to get support
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  Speaker 1: to get through, and of course then if you had
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  Speaker 1: a job as well, you would have more finances there.
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  Speaker 1: I'm also curious because you sit in there that you
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  Speaker 1: wouldn't share any of this with your husband. I'm really
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  Speaker 1: curious why, because if he spoils you, and he's still
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  Speaker 1: generous of there's money. Doesn't sound like a tight ass.
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  Speaker 1: If you were to express that you wanted more freedom
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  Speaker 1: to do more things or to have more money, what
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  Speaker 1: would that conversation look like, And how would you approach that?
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  Speaker 1: And I wonder why you're not approaching that. And I
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  Speaker 1: wonder if you came from a place of two just
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  Speaker 1: feeling so separate and not a team and he knows
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  Speaker 1: everything about your bank account but not vice versa, how
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  Speaker 1: it doesn't feel like a team and feel fair and
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  Speaker 1: you want to feel that fairness. That's a good question ask, Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: I would want. I just there's no conversations at all
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  Speaker 1: that you're having with him, And for me, that's a
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  Speaker 1: huge thing that doesn't feel good for me in any
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  Speaker 1: relationship because it's all based on communication. You're not going
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  Speaker 1: to solve any of these problems if you don't at
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  Speaker 1: least be brave enough to have the conversation with him
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  Speaker 1: and how he responds and reacts. I think we'll also
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  Speaker 1: give you more clarity on if you're in the right
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  Speaker 1: relationship or not. But I don't think like settle on
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  Speaker 1: the story that you can't leave, you have no support.
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  Speaker 1: You've got n no finances right now. That might be
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  Speaker 1: how you feel, but you have options to change. And
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  Speaker 1: I only say that I've seen so many women go
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: through it. We go through this all the time where
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  Speaker 1: they've got three kids, you know, they've got four kids,
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  Speaker 1: and they have to go on their own and figure
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: out a way. And I truly believe you could. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: you definitely can if that's the path you want to
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  Speaker 1: go down. And even saying your family won't accept a divorce,
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: like judgment's hard and you know, sometimes family relationships and
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  Speaker 1: dynamics don't work out, but you have to take care
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  Speaker 1: of you. I just don't want you getting to eighty
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  Speaker 1: and be like, oh my gosh, I lived my life
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  Speaker 1: to keep my family happy and I've been miserable my
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: whole life. Yeah, you put in a brave, happy face
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  Speaker 1: for your husband and your kid, but I'm telling you
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  Speaker 1: right now, your kid is smarter than that. They will
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  Speaker 1: feel it. They feel when mummy's not okay, They feel that,
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  Speaker 1: they see it. Even your relationship with your husband, he's
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: going to grow it. Your son's going to grow up
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  Speaker 1: watching you guys and thinking that's normal. That's how he's
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  Speaker 1: going to then treat his partner. I'm sure you would
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  Speaker 1: want more for him as well and for him to
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  Speaker 1: be happy. If you had a daughter or your son
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  Speaker 1: and they weren't happy in a relationship, what if I
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  Speaker 1: would you be giving them? Would you be telling them
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  Speaker 1: to stay and just put up with it, put on
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  Speaker 1: a brave, happy face, just continue on being so miserable.
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  Speaker 2: Just fake it.
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  Speaker 1: No way, you would not give your children that advice,
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  Speaker 1: So like give yourself that same love and respect it
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  Speaker 1: and advice that you would give someone else, honor what
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  Speaker 1: you want. But also I think there is some changes
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  Speaker 1: you can make straight away. Have a conversation with your husband,
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: see what's out in the workforce. Put yourself in Facebook
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: communities with other mums, Go and try a new class,
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: start journaling, start exercise and get out and fresh air,
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: doing things that just fill your cut back up. Just
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: to take little steps so you feel like you're making progress.
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: You don't have to walk up the whole staircase. Just
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: take one step, one thing at a time, and I
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: think it will really help you get on the path
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  Speaker 1: where you want to go.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: Absolutely, we really hope that helps. We're sending you so
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: much love when you're having all those thoughts and you
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: feel so stark and you feel like there's no other
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: option out. It just makes you feel dead inside and
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: it doesn't make you look forward to your days. You
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: just feel down all the time and conspiral really fast.
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: But you also have so much power to turn things around.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: I truly believe you do. And we've seen so many women.
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  Speaker 1: I've worked with women, you know for over fifteen years.
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: You've worked with women for every coachman. This is what
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: you do for a living, you know. We hear the
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: stories all the time. Everyone's got there things going on,
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: but there is always options exctly brave enough, but start
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: with the conversation. Yeah, yeah, agreed. All righty well, thanks
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: for tuning in and we'll see you in our next episode.
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: Bye bye,