Latest / Rise and Thrive with Dr. J. Nicole Podcast / Why People Keep Accepting Less Than They Deserve

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Why People Keep Accepting Less Than They Deserve · Rise and Thrive with Dr. J. Nicole Podcast

• 0:00
  Your brain is wired by the relationships you tolerate.
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  If you live in chaos, your nervous system learns chaos.
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  If you live in criticism, your mind learns self doubt.
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  And if you live in unpredictability?
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  If you live in unpredictability, your body stays on alert.
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  And when peace finally shows up, it can feel unfamiliar, even
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  uncomfortable. And that doesn't mean that peace
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  is wrong. It means that your brain is
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  trained for survival. Welcome to Rising Thriver Doctor
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  J Nicole. I'm Doctor J Nicole, therapist,
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  educator, and someone deeply committed to helping you
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  understand not just what you feel, but why you feel it.
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  And today we're going deeper into something that has
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  resonated with so many of you. The idea that the brain adapts
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  to what you repeatedly experience.
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  And if you're serious about evolving your life, your
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  relationships, and your standards, you have to
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  understand this. You don't just tolerate
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  behavior, your nervous system learns to expect it.
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  Now let's unpack that right Your brain doesn't care whether
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  something is healthy, it cares whether something is familiar.
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  The brains primary job is survival.
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  Not happiness, not fulfillment, not destiny, survival.
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  And if you grow up in environments where love comes
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  with yelling, care comes with criticism, attention comes with
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  inconsistency or safety comes with walking on egg shell, your
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  brain learns to adapt. It builds neural pathways around
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  these experiences. It learns.
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  This is what connection feels like.
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  This is what normal feels like. This is what I should prepare
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  for. And here's the part that people
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  miss. The brain does not distinguish
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  between this hurts me and this is familiar.
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  Familiar often wins. And that's why people stay in
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  dynamics that exhaust them. Not because they're weak, not
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  because they're stupid, not because they don't know better,
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  but because their nervous system has been conditioned, and
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  conditioning is powerful. So let's talk about chaos.
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  If you're repeatedly exposed to emotional instability,
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  arguments, hot and cold behavior, even unpredictable
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  moods, your nervous system begins to operate in a
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  heightened state. You can become hyper aware.
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  You can start scanning for tone shifts.
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  Your you may over analyze text messages or anticipate
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  disappointment. You prepare for the emotional
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  drops. Your body even releases stress
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  hormones more easily. So your baseline becomes
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  tension. And when tension becomes the
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  baseline, calm can feel suspicious.
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  You meet someone steady, they communicate clearly, they follow
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  through, they don't disappear. And instead of instead of
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  relaxing, you feel restless, right?
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  You think this is boring, There's no spark or I don't know
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  if I'm attracted to them. But what you might actually be
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  feeling is withdrawal from adrenaline.
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  Chaos stimulates the nervous system, and predictability
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  actually regulates it. And regulation can initially
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  feel flat to someone that's trained for intensity.
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  And as I've said before, intensity is not intimacy, it's
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  simply stimulation. And if you've been living in
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  stimulation, your brain will crave it even when it cost you
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  your peace. Now let's talk about criticism.
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  If you spend enough time around someone who minimizes you,
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  questions your judgement, make subtle jokes at your expense,
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  they invalidate your emotions or even suggest this one.
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  I know everyone's hurt. You're too sensitive.
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  Your brain begins to internalize that right?
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  And the repetition, it builds identity.
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  And if someone repeatedly critiques you, eventually you
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  start critiquing yourself before they even speak or when they're
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  no longer around, right? They become a permanent voice in
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  your head, living rent free. And So what you'll do is you'll
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  pre correct, you over explain. You might shrink your opinions
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  if you share them at all, right? You apologize for things that
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  don't require an apology. You begin doubting your
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  intuition. And here's what's important.
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  That doesn't mean you're insecure.
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  It means that your brain adapted to reduce conflict.
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  So right you learn to be a peacekeeper and self doubt can
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  and become protective. However it could also lead to
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  some really unhealthy and toxic patterns.
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  And if you're second guessing yourself first, maybe you won't
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  be blindsided. That is a typical adaptation.
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  But now your internal voice sounds like the environments you
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  once tolerated. And people don't always realize
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  that when they say, I don't know why your confidence dropped or
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  they're just like, why are you so insecure, right?
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  That confidence or security, it didn't randomly disappear, was
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  slowly eroded. Erosion is a very, very slow
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  process. It's not anything dramatic
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  because here's the truth about that.
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  If it was dramatic, you wouldn't stay around, right?
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  So if it was obvious, you'd be out of there like yesterday.
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  So it's not loud. It's very quiet, very subtle,
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  and it's consistent and it comes through what you tolerate.
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  And This is why boundaries are so important.
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  So if it bumped you, if you felt a little something in your soul,
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  your spirit, something doesn't feel right, speak about it.
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  Just say, hey, I don't like how that made me feel.
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  That was a little rough. You need to handle me with care.
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  You know, you need to share those types of things with
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  people. Otherwise they think that it's
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  fine. Before we continue today's
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• 6:11
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• 6:16
  Now let's get back to you. Today's episode, right?
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  If you've ever been in a relationship where plans change
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  last minute communication is inconsistent, affection was
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  conditional, apologies were rare, and you never quite knew
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  where you stood in the relationship.
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  Your nervous system may have learned hyper vigilance.
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  So hyper vigilance is when the body stays on alert, You check
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  your cell phone constantly, you might replay conversations,
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  analyze some of those like micro expressions that you've seen
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  them. You prepare for abandonment, you
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  prepare for conflict, and you stay mentally on.
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  And that can be exhausting. Now, what I will say, even
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  though hyper vigilance is not a positive experience, you've
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  unintentionally become an expert in human behavior.
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  You know how to scan and analyze the threats before they happen.
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  But we want to get you out of that chronic state, right?
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  And here's the part that's hard to hear.
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  If you tolerate unpredictability long enough, predictability can
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  feel underwhelming and unpredictability can become your
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  norm. And usually the unpredictability
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  can create spikes. The spikes feel intense.
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  You feel something and that intensity, it feels meaningful.
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  But meaning and intensity are not the same.
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  And the body might confuse anxiety with attraction.
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  So sometimes those butterflies that you feel, they are not
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  always good, OK. And so you can confuse that with
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  that. You can confuse that uncertainty
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  with chemistry. And you might interpret relief
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  as love, but relief is not love. Relief is the absence of the
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  threat is the absence of that inconsistency.
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  And you've been living in threat.
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  And if you've been living in threat, relief feels powerful.
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  But relief should not be the highest bar.
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  Safety should be the highest bar.
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  This is where sometimes people can get stuck.
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  They finally meet someone emotionally steady and they
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  leave a chaotic situation. Or they raise their standards
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  and instead of feeling empowered, they feel unsettled.
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  The quiet, oh man, it can feel so loud.
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  And the stillness might be unfamiliar or strange, and they
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  can start questioning themselves.
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  Why do I feel like this? Like something doesn't feel
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  right, or it even feels weird that there's nothing wrong, or
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  they're looking for something wrong for that other shoe to
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  drop, right? And that's because your nervous
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  system is recalibrating. You were trained to survive
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  turbulence, and now you're asking it to relax and calm
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  water. And that transition takes time.
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  So be kind to yourself, have compassion.
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  And unfortunately, many people sabotage peace because they
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  misinterpret that discomfort. And discomfort doesn't always
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  mean mean misalignment. Sometimes discomfort is growth.
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  Discomfort means that your body is learning a new baseline.
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  Healing requires you to sit in that recalibration period long
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  enough for peace to feel normal. So let's zoom out a little bit.
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  This isn't just about dating. Your brain is also wired by your
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  friendships, the environments like work, your family dynamics,
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  spiritual communities. And if you tolerate disrespect
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  at work, your brain learns to brace it.
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  And I know a lot of you are living through that right now.
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  If you tolerate gossip and friendship, your brain learns to
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  be on guard. And if you tolerate spiritual
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  manipulation, your brain learns confusion around authority and
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  you can become accustomed to tension, and tension can seep
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  into your personality. Some people say, you know, I'm
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  just an anxious person. I just worry, like a lot like
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  that. It's just how who I am, not how
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  I am, but who I am taking it on as identity when in actuality
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  it's not personality, it's not identity, it's conditioning.
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  And sometimes we are not naturally guarded.
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  We've adapted and we've been that way for so long we don't
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  know the difference. Now don't get me wrong.
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  And adaptation is brilliant and it speaks to how wonderfully and
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  magnificently we are created. But you are allowed to update
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  your program, your wiring, your conditioning.
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  So let's talk about what you can do.
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  Because this is not about blame. This is about awareness.
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  And change begins with awareness, and awareness gives
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  you options. So #1 let's audit your
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  tolerances, right? That might sound a little funky.
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  So what I want you to do is ask yourself, what if I normalize
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  that actually cost me peace? Where am I chronically tense?
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  Who makes me feel like I need to shrink?
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  What dynamic feels familiar but draining?
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  And I want you to write those things down.
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  Now, you might need to take some of those questions one at a time
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  because it could get a little heavy.
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  Different things may come up. And I want you to take this as
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  much as you can at a pace that feels good to you, OK?
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  And clarity can help to disrupt that conditioning.
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  I don't want you to judge it, just notice what comes up, OK?
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  And then two, interrupt the pattern in small ways.
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  So rewiring your conditioning, your programming, it doesn't
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  start with dramatic exits or scenes, OK?
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  It starts with micro decisions and micro behaviors, right?
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  So that could look like saying something like that doesn't work
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  for me. Not responding immediately,
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  letting someone sit in the consequence of their
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  inconsistency. And it might feel uncomfortable
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  and that's okay. You have to learn for there to
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  be gaps and override that instinct to close that gap
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  because it might make you feel more comfortable for that to be
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  closed, but it doesn't help with the situation.
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  All right, beautiful people. If this episode has already
• 12:25
  blessed you in any sort of way, we ask that you like subscribe,
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  follow, share, and leave comments.
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  most. And if you're listening and
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  thinking I'm ready to go deeper in my healing journey, we invite
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  you to join join our school community where we continue
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  these conversations between episodes and it's an opportunity
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  to connect with like minded individuals committed to growth,
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  healing and purpose. Also, do not forget you can shop
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  the merch and also explore all things evolved at Evolve with
• 13:01
  Doctor J nicole.com. If you love today's look and
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  Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.
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  It could also look like choosing not to over explain.
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  Now this is the one right here that a lot of us do a lot of
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  times because we're used to responding to our caregivers,
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  right? Whether that's your parents,
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  your grandmother, aunties, uncles, whoever, the caregivers
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  where in your life, right? You got to make it make sense.
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  Now, why would you do that, right?
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  How many of us have heard that before?
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  So you want to avoid doing that and your friendships and your
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  relationships, right? Because this is not a parental
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  dynamic. Your brain will build new
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  pathways through repetition, so by starting with those small
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  things, you can start to feel more comfortable.
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  And you keep repeating that new behavior and it'll become
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  natural to you. So at first it will feel
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  unnatural, but just give it some time.
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  Next .3 we want to strengthen environments that feel calm.
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  So if peace feels boring, then you need to spend some time
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  there. Anyway, you got to get used to
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  it. So that's being in stable
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  relationships where it's not always drama, you're not having
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  to attend to someone else emotional needs, right?
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  And also looks like having some consistent mentors, people that
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  you can talk to that can help you see the dynamic better and
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  like to help you navigate it, right?
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  And you also want to engage in those grounded conversations,
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  making sure that yourself and the others involved are prepared
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  and we're not forcing those conversations and quiet
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  routines. These are great for you.
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  Take that time that you need, need.
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  You want to build prayer habits that are consistent and steady
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  rather than out of desperation. So we want to get in the habit
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  of talking to God and going to Jesus to intercede for us, not
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  just when we're in crisis, also when we're on the up, OK, and as
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  we're continuing to progress. And your nervous system will
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  learn safety through this exposure.
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  And the more you expose it, the more regulated it becomes,
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  right? So being in those safe and
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  regulated environments definitely help. 4, you got to
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  separate attraction from activation.
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  When you meet someone new and you feel that strong pool, just
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  pause a little bit and you got to ask about the connection.
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  Is this connection or activation?
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  Am I calm or am I on edge? Do I feel chosen or am I trying
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  to win sometimes? Am I being engaged or am I
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  chasing? Right?
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  Your body will give you data. You just have to be still and
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  allow yourself the time and space to interpret it.
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  So let me leave you with this. Your brain is wired by what you
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  tolerate, But if it's also rewired, also rewired by what
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  you practice, you're not broken. You've adapted.
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  You've survived. But survival mode is not meant
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  to be your permanent state of being.
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  And if peace feels unfamiliar right now, that does not mean
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  that you're incapable of it. It means that you're learning a
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  new baseline. So here's the reflection I want
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  to leave you with. What have I been tolerating that
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  is training my nervous system in the wrong direction?
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  Drop one word in the comment is that chaos is a criticism,
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  inconsistency, silence, disrespect.
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  What is it? I just want you to name it
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  because what you name you can change and change starts with
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  awareness. Now before we go, if today's
• 16:51
  conversation resonated with you, I want to invite you to stay
• 16:54
  connected with the Rise and Thrive community.
• 16:56
  First, make sure you follow or subscribe to the podcast and
• 17:01
  turn on notifications so that you never miss an episode like
• 17:04
  this one where we explore faith, identity, healing and personal
• 17:08
  transformation. Then I want to hear from you.
• 17:11
  Let me know how this bless you in the comments like share your
• 17:14
  thoughts. Your voice helps to build
• 17:16
  community around these types of conversations.
• 17:19
  And if you'd like to carry the message of Rise and Thrive with
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  you throughout your day, you can explore the Rise and Thrive
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  collection. We have mugs, apparel, and other
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  pieces designed to remind you to walk boldly in your purpose.
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  You can find them at Evolve a Doctor J nicole.com.
• 17:37
  And finally, if this episode encouraged you, I want you to
• 17:41
  share with someone who might need to hear it today.
• 17:44
  Because sometimes the right conversation at the right moment
• 17:48
  can remind someone that their story isn't over it.
• 17:53
  It is evolving. And thank you so much for being
• 17:55
  a part of the Rise and Thrive community.
• 17:58
  And until next time, keep rising in faith and thriving in
• 18:02
  purpose. I'm Doctor J Nicole, and I'll
• 18:05
  see you next episode.