Latest / Just Listen To Me / When Couples Therapy Isn't Safe: Recognising Coercive Control in the Therapy Room
Transcript
- Julia: Hi, I'm Julia and welcome back to Just Listen to Me. Today's episode is a little different. This is the first episode in an ongoing series created specifically for therapists, psychologists, counselors, social workers, and other helping professionals. Throughout this series, we'll be exploring some of the more complex clinical questions that arise in the therapy room. The place where theory meets real people, real relationships, and real complexity. Because while frameworks and models are incredibly helpful, therapy also requires clinical judgment. It requires curiosity, it requires humility, and it requires us to pay attention to the moments where something doesn't quite fit. In the last episode of We explored coercive control, what it is, why it can be so difficult to recognize, and why the absence of physical violence does not mean the absence of harm. Today I want to continue that conversation, but from a therapist's perspective. The therapy room. Because one of the most challenging aspects of coercive control is that it doesn't always look good. The way we expect it to look. And for therapists, this matters because couples therapy is built on an assumption that both people have enough emotional safety, freedom, and autonomy to participate honestly in the process. But what happens when they don't? What happens when what looks like relationship distress is actually a pattern of power and control? Before we can help a couple repair their relationship, we have to understand whether the relationship is safe enough to repair. One of the biggest misconceptions about coercive control is that it will be obvious that the person engaging in controlling behavior will be angry, aggressive, or intimidating. And sometimes that happens, but often it's much more complicated. In the therapy room, the person using coercive control may present as calm, articulate, insightful, even genuinely committed to working on the relationship. They may appear to be the partner who is more regulated, more reasonable, more reflective. Meanwhile, the person experiencing coercive control may present very differently. They may appear anxious, angry, distressed, reactive. They may struggle to explain exactly what feels wrong. They may describe feeling controlled but find it difficult to identify specific incidents. They may even question themselves, because after months or years of having their reality challenged, self-doubt often becomes part of the experience. And this is where therapists need to be incredibly careful, because presentation is not the same thing as power. The person who appears the most distressed in the room is not necessarily the person creating the distress. And the person who appears the most composed is not necessarily the safer partner. This is where assessment becomes so important. Because on the surface, attachment distress and coercive control can sometimes look similar. A pursuer in an attachment cycle might protest. They might become emotional. They might seek reassurance. A withdrawer might shut down. They might distance, they might avoid difficult conversations. But underneath those protective strategies, they is usually a longing for connection, a fear of losing the relationship, a desire to matter to the other person. The question isn't simply what behavior am I seeing? The question is what is organizing this behavior? Is this a protest for connection? Or is this strategy for control? Because those are very different things. One is about reaching For safety, the other is about maintaining power. And if we mistake one for the other, we risk applying the wrong intervention. As therapists, we're not just listening to content. We're listening for process. Not just what are they arguing about, but what happens between them when they disagree? We're asking. Can both partners express themselves freely? Can both partners have different perspectives? Can both partners influence the relationship? Can both partners say no? Can both partners take responsibility? Can repair happen after conflict? Or does safety depend on one person accommodating the other? Does one person's comfort require another person's silence? Does one person's freedom come at the cost of another person's autonomy? Because healthy relationships involve influence. Coercive relationships involve control. I also think it's important to talk about something that can be difficult to teach. And that is trusting your clinical intuition. Because sometimes, as therapists, We notice something before we can clearly explain what we're noticing. Something just feels off. On paper, the couple may describe ordinary relationship problems. We struggle with communication. We keep having the same argument. We don't understand each other. But something about the process doesn't quite fit. You might notice one partner looking to the other before answering. You might notice carefulness, hesitation, a subtle change in their body language. You might notice one partner seems very focused on saying the right thing, or that one partner's reality always seems to become the accepted version of events. And sometimes the most important clinical information is not what's being said, it's what isn't being said. The silence of The hesitation, the things that feel difficult to name. As therapists, we should never rely on intuition alone. Our feelings in the room need to be supported by careful assessment, curiosity, and appropriate screening. But we also shouldn't dismiss them, because often our nervous systems it notices relational patterns before our conscious mind has an ⁓ organize the information. If something feels off, pay attention, slow down, get curious. Because coercive control often exists in the space between the words. This distinction matters because the treatment pathway is different. When two people are caught in a negative attachment cycle, couples therapy can be incredibly powerful. We help Partners slow the cycle down, recognize their protective strategies, understand the emotions underneath, and find new ways of reaching for one another. But coercive control is different. Coercive control is not simply a negative cycle, it's a power imbalance. The issue isn't poor communication. The issue isn't that both people need better tools. The issue is that one person is using power and control to dominate another. And when that pattern is present, couples counseling is generally not appropriate while the coercive control is ongoing. Because couples therapy requires vulnerability, honesty, emotional risk. But vulnerability requires safety. If someone fears the consequences of speaking openly, if honesty leads to punishment, if something shared in therapy is later used against them, then therapy itself can unintentionally become another place where the control continues. The priority must become safety, appropriate support, and protecting the autonomy of the Of the person experiencing coercive control. Recognizing coercive control in the therapy room is not about assuming the worst. It's about being careful. It's about recognizing that not all relationship distress comes from the same place. Some relationships are caught in cycles of pain. Others are organized around patterns of power and control. And knowing the difference is one of the most important responsibility we hold as therapists. Because before we ask people to become more vulnerable, before we ask them to turn toward each other, before we begin repairing the relationship, we need to know whether the relationship is emotionally safe enough to repair. Until next time, take care of yourselves and take care of each other.