Latest / Overwhelmed Working Woman: Boost Productivity, Master Time Management, Overcome Overwhelm & Stop People Pleasing / #91| The Surprising Reason Buffering Makes Overwhelm Worse and Wrecks Productivity
Transcript
- 0:00Michelle Gauthier: Have you ever found yourself scrolling mindlessly through Instagram while eating snacks or drinking wine and then suddenly, an hour has passed or more and you hadn't even realized it?
- 0:10Michelle Gauthier: You're listening to Overwhelmed Working Woman, the podcast that helps you be more calm and more productive by doing less.
- 0:22Michelle Gauthier: I'm your host, ichelle Gothier, a former overwhelmed working woman and current life coach.
- 0:27Michelle Gauthier: On this show, we unpack the stress and pressure that today's working woman experiences, and in each episode you'll get a strategy to bring more calm, ease and relaxation to your life.
- 0:39Michelle Gauthier: Hi friend, thanks for joining today.
- 0:42Michelle Gauthier: Today, we're talking about buffering.
- 0:44Michelle Gauthier: These moments of distraction like the one I described in that question at the very beginning of the episode might seem harmless, but often they are what I would consider buffering.
- 0:55Michelle Gauthier: Buffering is what happens when we use distractions to avoid uncomfortable emotions.
- 1:00Michelle Gauthier: So, for example, I don't want to think about something that makes me feel really sad or really angry, so instead, I'm going to buffer.
- 1:09Michelle Gauthier: And today what I'm going to talk about is exactly what is buffering, what are some examples of it, and then how or when it shows up, you can notice that it's there, and how you can shift from unhealthy coping mechanisms to more intentional, healthy ways of handling emotions.
- 1:25Michelle Gauthier: Okay, so let's get into it.
- 1:27Michelle Gauthier: Every time I talk about buffering, I feel like I have to say this because people will push back on me and be like, so are we just supposed to never have a glass of wine or never scroll on Instagram?
- 1:38Michelle Gauthier: And no, it's really the intention behind the behavior that you're doing that makes the difference between when something is buffering or just, you know, shopping online.
- 1:48Michelle Gauthier: So let's talk exactly about what buffering is.
- 1:51Michelle Gauthier: Buffering is when you choose to engage in an activity - and I'm going to give you a bunch of examples in a second here - that numb or distract you from facing uncomfortable emotions or situations.
- 2:02Michelle Gauthier: So our brain tries to avoid any kind of discomfort and so, in order to do so, it will try to distract us and say, hey, why don't we just go do something else instead of feeling that hard emotion?
- 2:14Michelle Gauthier: And, you know, from hearing this podcast and if this happens to be your first episode and you have not heard this, you can circle back to episode 17 to find out more details about how to feel your feelings and why it's important.
- 2:27Michelle Gauthier: But here I will just summarize and say that if you don't allow those feelings to come up and you're instead buffering those feelings, what happens is they just keep coming up.
- 2:36Michelle Gauthier: It's like somebody just keeps ringing your doorbell and you don't answer it, but they're not going to go away until you answer it.
- 2:43Michelle Gauthier: So if you buffer and you ignore them, you hide in your house and you don't answer the door today, those feelings will come back and ring your doorbell again tomorrow and the next day and the next day, which just creates more buffering.
- 2:55Michelle Gauthier: And when we buffer, you're not solving the problem and usually you feel kind of yucky after you do it.
- 3:00Michelle Gauthier: So let's go through some examples of what buffering is and you can think to yourself, which one of these do I use when I'm trying to avoid boredom or sadness or frustration or overwhelm?
- 3:13Michelle Gauthier: So the first one is mindless scrolling.
- 3:15Michelle Gauthier: I feel like spending time scrolling through social media - or some people actually scroll mindlessly on news sites, m aybe you're a person who really enjoys reading through the news.
- 3:25Michelle Gauthier: So anytime that you're scrolling not intentionally, but from a perspective of just, I want to be distracted and not think about something.
- 3:33Michelle Gauthier: The next one is overeating or overdrinking or overexercising.
- 3:39Michelle Gauthier: Sometimes I call these just "the overs Anytime you're overdoing anything.
- 3:43Michelle Gauthier: So none of those things eating, drinking, exercising are not a problem for most people.
- 3:52Michelle Gauthier: But if you're turning to snacks or comfort food or eating and not even realizing you're doing it to avoid feeling anxious or sad or overwhelmed, you're definitely not addressing the root emotion.
- 4:00Michelle Gauthier: Then there is binge watching TV.
- 4:02Michelle Gauthier: I totally think watching TV is great.
- 4:05Michelle Gauthier: I love watching TV, but a lot of times, if you're doing it too much, you're buffering with that.
- 4:10Michelle Gauthier: Online shopping.
- 4:11Michelle Gauthier: If I were to really put a star by the one, that's the biggest one for me.
- 4:15Michelle Gauthier: Online shopping is a great way for me to avoid feeling my feelings.
- 4:19Michelle Gauthier: Same with scrolling, mindlessly scrolling.
- 4:21Michelle Gauthier: So when you're just buying things impulsively, not because you necessarily need them, but as a way to avoid dealing with your emotions.
- 4:29Michelle Gauthier: Overworking - now, my overwhelmed working woman who are listening to this, these probably do apply to you.
- 4:36Michelle Gauthier: Overworking or over- productivity.
- 4:38Michelle Gauthier: This is something that we do often and I think becomes really a habit.
- 4:43Michelle Gauthier: So filling every moment with tasks to avoid work or downtime or confronting emotions.
- 4:49Michelle Gauthier: So if you cannot just sit there quietly with your own thoughts and instead you decide to get up and just do a little bit more work or to I don't know clean your kitchen or just do something that doesn't need to be done right at that moment to avoid feelings.
- 5:07Michelle Gauthier: T he next is constantly checking email or notifications.
- 5:11Michelle Gauthier: So being super tied to your phone and having to look at it all the time, I feel like this one is something that almost everyone has.
- 5:19Michelle Gauthier: When there's just a moment of boredom in any situation, conversation, any awkwardness, if you're watching TV that has commercials, and there's a commercial, or there's a boring part I feel like we're constantly checking our email and notifications and there are lots of other ways to buffer, but those are the biggest ones that I see among my clients and myself, when I look in the mirror.
- 5:39Michelle Gauthier: So let's talk about why we do it.
- 5:41Michelle Gauthier: As I mentioned earlier, our brains are wired to avoid discomfort.
- 5:44Michelle Gauthier: So buffering offers us a quick, easy escape, but, like most quick and easy solutions, it is not a real solution.
- 5:52Michelle Gauthier: The real solution is what I'm about to get to, which is to allow yourself to feel those feelings instead of buffering and running away from them.
- 6:01Michelle Gauthier: Here's how to recognize when you're buffering in your life.
- 6:05Michelle Gauthier: Notice when you feel disconnected.
- 6:06Michelle Gauthier: So there is a certain amount of time that I can scroll on my phone and it feels just fine, but after a certain amount of time I don't even know what that time is, but my body knows, I swear I start to feel yucky inside.
- 6:20Michelle Gauthier: It feels like empty, and I almost feel sick to my stomach and I'm like, oh, I'm just doing this just for no good reason, I'm not enjoying the information or enjoying catching up on something that a friend is doing.
- 6:32Michelle Gauthier: So just start to notice when you feel disconnected.
- 6:35Michelle Gauthier: When I worked on this, like I said, I noticed there was like an almost sick feeling in my stomach.
- 6:39Michelle Gauthier: One of my clients was telling me - I thought this was a great observation - that anytime she feels bored with her work, that she will walk to her pantry and open the pantry door, and that is the gateway to buffering eating.
- 6:51Michelle Gauthier: And so she noticed that her behavior was every time she opened that pantry door, and she built in a step to say, am I hungry right now?
- 6:59Michelle Gauthier: And if the answer is no, then she doesn't need to be there at that exact moment.
- 7:03Michelle Gauthier: So track your own way that it makes you feel or your triggers, like, for example, if you work a really long day or you have a fight with a loved one, are those the kinds of things that make you buffer and when you notice that you are buffering, just ask yourself, what am I trying to avoid right now, and is this activity actually helping or just postponing that problem?
- 7:27Michelle Gauthier: So let's take, for example, if I'm shopping online, I always like to shop online at night.
- 7:32Michelle Gauthier: I would love to see the data around how many sales are made at like 10pm - not just for me, but I think lots of people do that.
- 7:39Michelle Gauthier: So if I'm shopping online and there's nothing that I actually need and I'm just like scrolling through and thinking, oh, that would be cute or something for my house, or cute new outfit or whatever and I ask myself, am I avoiding something uncomfortable right now?
- 7:53Michelle Gauthier: What I would probably be avoiding in that moment is just thinking okay, I'm so tired, I've done enough for today.
- 8:00Michelle Gauthier: I need to think about the stuff that I'm going to do tomorrow.
- 8:03Michelle Gauthier: It's just avoiding thinking about anything, and I'm always really tired, but I don't even want to admit that I'm so tired, it's like I want to stay up later.
- 8:12Michelle Gauthier: And is this activity really helping or just postponing the problem?
- 8:15Michelle Gauthier: Nope, it's not helping at all and I really just need to go to bed in that moment.
- 8:21Michelle Gauthier: Now if it's something else that's coming up, like if you're avoiding anger and you find out no, this activity isn't helping, it's just postponing the problem, what should you do?
- 8:30Michelle Gauthier: So the first thing you should do is name the emotion that you're feeling, whether it's stress, or sadness, or boredom, or frustration, or anger.
- 8:38Michelle Gauthier: Just naming the emotion automatically reduces its intensity.
- 8:41Michelle Gauthier: So let's just say it's anger as an example, and then I think it can be really helpful to just take a minute and journal.
- 8:50Michelle Gauthier: What is it that's making me feel angry?
- 8:52Michelle Gauthier: A question that I love to use is, Dear Anger, what are you trying to tell me?
- 8:57Michelle Gauthier: Dear Frustration, what are you trying to tell me?
- 9:00Michelle Gauthier: And you can list out whatever's on your mind that you're worried about facing.
- 9:02Michelle Gauthier: And I promise you, if you try that, once you see it on the piece of paper, you are going to feel so much better just by looking at it.
- 9:11Michelle Gauthier: A lot of times, especially if I'm frustrated or angry or overwhelmed, when I see my own thoughts, I can even chuckle at them.
- 9:19Michelle Gauthier: I can see, when they're on a piece of paper, that my brain is being overly dramatic, or sometimes, if it's something genuinely sad, that I just need to feel the sadness for, it feels good to write it down and just maybe allow myself a few tears, however many tears want to come out, and just feel the emotion and then I just don't need to buffer anymore because what I was buffering has just happened.
- 9:40Michelle Gauthier: A couple other things you can do in the moment if you're just feeling like you're buffering and you want to break out of it is you can just practice journaling, like I just said.
- 9:49Michelle Gauthier: You can try box breathing, which I talk about on the previous episode from last Monday, number 89.
- 9:55Michelle Gauthier: You can use movement, like a quick walk or stretching to release the stress physically and always remember to celebrate small wins.
- 10:03Michelle Gauthier: So every time that you notice that you're buffering and you resist - so, for example, you close the pantry door because you're not hungry and you actually don't want to eat something, or you decide not to have that glass of wine or not to have that second or third glass of wine because you can tell you're just buffering, or you put down the phone because you get that yucky feeling that you've been scrolling too much - celebrate those wins and notice that you're in control of your buffering instead of your buffering being in control of you.
- 10:32Michelle Gauthier: So today we looked at what is buffering, how it sneaks into your life, and then how to shift from those unhealthy coping mechanisms to the intentional emotional responses.
- 10:44Michelle Gauthier: Stay tuned for my Do Less for More Success tip.
- 10:46Michelle Gauthier: Okay, here's my Do Less for More Success tip for today.
- 10:59Michelle Gauthier: It is skip matching socks.
- 11:01Michelle Gauthier: Just put the socks straight into the drawers and free yourself from that extra chore.
- 11:06Michelle Gauthier: One great thing that I've done in the past is to buy my daughter all white socks and buy my son all black socks, and then I know exactly whose is who.
- 11:14Michelle Gauthier: They all match each other.
- 11:15Michelle Gauthier: They only have one kind of sock.
- 11:17Michelle Gauthier: It's all one color, and then they can just put them in their drawers, or I can put them in their drawers and they don't need to be matched.
- 11:23Michelle Gauthier: It's the little things.
- 11:25Michelle Gauthier: Hey, if this episode resonated with you, would you please share it with a friend or leave a review?
- 11:30Michelle Gauthier: And next time you catch yourself buffering, take a breath, name the emotion, and remind yourself, I'm stronger than any distraction.
- 11:38Michelle Gauthier: There's no emotion or no feeling that I could feel that's going gonna hurt me, and just feel your emotions.
- 11:45Michelle Gauthier: Thanks so much for listening and have a great week.
- 11:47Michelle Gauthier: Thank you for listening to the Overwhelmed Working Woman podcast If you wanna learn more about my work, head over to my website at michellegauthier.
- 11:59Michelle Gauthier: com.
- 12:01Michelle Gauthier: See you next week.