Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Divorce Is Priceless, Or, Are You Letting Financial Fear Keep You In A Toxic Situation?

Transcript

Divorce Is Priceless, Or, Are You Letting Financial Fear Keep You In A Toxic Situation? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to this episode of the doctor psych
• 0:08
  mom show before we get started today with divorces Priceless.
• 0:14
  Let me tell you first to subscribe because I've loads of
• 0:17
  subscriber episodes. And the most recent one was
• 0:20
  women hate argue hours and why arguing is something that women
• 0:24
  hate super much and evolutionarily and
• 0:28
  psychologically and emotionally and in every which way they just
• 0:32
  hate it and why and How to know if you are actually in argue or
• 0:37
  even if you think you're not. Alright, so moving on.
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  A lot of times people say that they're too scared about money
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  to divorce and this usually is not what people think after they
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  divorce. So that's kind of what I'll be
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  talking about is why this usually tends to be a misguided
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  fear because there are lots of people that I work with and they
• 1:01
  say that divorce would be financially ownerís.
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  It's Or etcetera and then they divorce and not one of them is
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  like man you know. I wish I would have stayed
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  married because of money like I've looked literally never
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  heard anybody say that there may be people that say that but
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  certainly not if they initiate the divorce because if you are
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  divorced because it's a super toxic conflictual situation and
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  or completely Loveless sexless Etc.
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  Then what amount of money philosophically like like what
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  amount of money wouldn't you pay really too?
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  Get out of that situation because that that's the thing.
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  It's like I'll be talking to guys and I'll say oh you know
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  like alimony is like such a fucking you know train wreck and
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  sure. I get that you know but and of
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  course there are women that now pay alimony as well.
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  More and more of them 30% of women are Breadwinners and it
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  sucks. But then I say, okay, so you
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  have to pay like 2,000 a month, whatever, look what amount of
• 2:00
  money like would be worth getting back with your ex-wife.
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  And they're like nothing no amount.
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  You know, I like invariably 201, like they say there is no amount
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  of money that would make me want to be with my ex-wife, you know,
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  I rather be living in a box and so once you actually get out of
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  a very difficult situation which are the only sorts of situations
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  that lead to divorce because, you know, nobody is just like,
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  hey, you know what, sounds like a fun idea.
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  I'll just break up my family today.
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  You know, biggie, you know, whatever, that's not reality.
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  So people come to divorce after they've tried everything that
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  hasn't worked. And so in that kind of
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  situation, it's really does become quite the philosophical
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  issue. Like what amount of money would
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  you pay to be back in that situation?
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  Once you finally liberated from it?
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  And the answer is no amount of money.
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  You know, truly no amount of money.
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  And the other thing that people don't realize, and this is men
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  and women alike are that, you get like a The big Financial
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  motivation to work, after you have to give child support, or
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  you have to establish your own household.
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  And I know not everybody is self-employed like me obviously.
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  But, you know, within any job like it's going to go better.
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  If you're super motivated and can work more splitting,
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  childcare obligations allows you to throw yourself, more into
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  your job in many cases. Now, there are there may be
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  plenty of situations where this is not relevant.
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  But, however, the majority of the people listening are likely
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  the same as my client base. My client base are people that
• 3:41
  can pay for therapy and out-of-pocket, and if you are
• 3:46
  somebody who also has that ability, then you have
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  disposable income for people that have disposable income,
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  they usually have jobs with an amount of autonomy and somewhat
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  of a trajectory that they could potentially get promoted or they
• 4:00
  could build their own business, or side hustle.
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  Basically what I'm saying is when you can put more, Hours
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  into work. Usually you can make more money
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  and people kind of forget about this opportunity that they will
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  have for career growth when they do not have the kids all the
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  time, you know? And that's the same for men,
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  because as I discuss constantly men do I hell of a lot of
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  childcare and housework now, and in the majority of people that I
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  work with, they do have. So when they don't have to do
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  half every day and they're not expected to be home.
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  Every evening and they don't have to account for their time
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  constantly. Well, they have a hell of a lot
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  more freedom. And yes, they could date but you
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  can also work a lot more and in a different sort of way and you
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  could take more risks, financially, you could take
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  more, you can do more travel. I mean, there's like a lot of
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  stuff, you know, that you can do.
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  I mean II certainly can organize my entire schedule around being
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  able to see night client, sometimes if I would want to,
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  and I did that the first year after my divorce, you know?
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  And then I said I didn't have kids, I don't have to do that
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  anymore. I don't like working at nights
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  only do it sometimes. For you know if I bought this is
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  going far afield but I don't do it very much anymore.
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  If you got all excited, you could only do evenings now.
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  You can work with me. I don't do that regularly.
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  I only do them as one-offs. But anyway, the point here is,
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  is that I have yet to work with somebody who says that getting
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  back together with their EX in an extremely difficult situation
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  is. Thing that they wish they could
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  do because then they could go back to having one household
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  instead and I'm saying the financial problems are aren't
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  real. Of course they're real.
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  But we are more than, you know, money, making machines and money
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  spending machines. And if you are in a situation
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  that's extremely demoralizing and that makes you feel trapped
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  and stuck, and we're conflict is constant in your kids are
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  learning it and you're not able to Somebody or love somebody and
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  you feel like it's kind of you know living death then what is
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  the amount of money that's going to keep you there.
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  Often often what it really is is that it's fear and fear is not
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  rational particularly if you grew up in a home where money
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  was a big source of fear, then it's like I work with guys up
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  like, millions of the bank of, they're like, oh no way.
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  Like we could never split up because of the money.
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  Why though? I mean why?
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  There's no rational reason, it's just the hedonic treadmill.
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  The more you make, the more you think that you ought to have
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  etcetera. Etc.
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  And frequently guys. Like that, or women like that.
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  Cuz I've heard it with women to not as frequently, but I've
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  heard it with women to these people were raised in homes.
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  Where money was a huge source of fear and anxiety, and contention
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  and financial stability became like superpower amount.
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  And then once they Financial stability.
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  It becomes like wealth building and any idea that the wealth
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  would somehow be split even though in most situations you
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  and your ex are both saving for the children.
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  I mean, you know so so in reality it's not as though you
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  just have half the wealth because remember yours is being
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  saved for your kids and likely your ex will do the same thing
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  unless they are some real sociopath.
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  Most people are saving their money eventually to go to their
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  children and will participate in spending for the Children, but
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  even if you're in a situation where somehow they are not, you
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  know, going to do that still. If you think about it
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  differently, if you have been raised in a different home,
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  where happiness was prioritized instead of, you know misery
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  really you know, a less anxious less - more positive happier
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  home a you're telling me, well shit.
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  I wouldn't have got into the marriage in the first place.
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  Yeah, no shit. But you know, we have no time
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  machine, the second thing that You could do is maybe don't
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  remain in a horrible. Toxic situation out of fear that
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  may be misguided. So, talk to a financial planner
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  because when people do that, I've never yet.
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  Heard somebody say no. My financial planner says, now,
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  you got to stay in your shit marriage because like you'll
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  die, like you will just die. No.
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  I mean that isn't a reality for again, the majority of
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  particularly the people who are listening to me and people who
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  can choose to go into therapy and to pay for RIT and to go on
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  vacations and who are now living hand-to-mouth, you know?
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  And so in the people that that I work with and that I'm talking
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  to what they're thinking about is that they're going to have a
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  decrement and lifestyle that will be intolerable, but they're
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  not thinking about how much happier they're going to be and
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  how much more motivation and and pragmatically time, they may
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  have after a split, you know, to rebuild the wealth and to go
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  even higher which is the You should I see frequently is that
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  people's careers just kind of Skyrocket again.
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  This is like obviously anecdotal.
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  It doesn't happen every time I'm not giving you a coupon that
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  says if you get divorced your your earning capacity will
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  Skyrocket. Certainly not, but as so many of
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  my really, everything that I write and speak about is it's
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  based on what I see in my clinical experience for the
• 9:30
  years that I've been in practice and the reality is that I've
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  seen this happen. Happened numerous times, you
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  know, where people. So, like, for example, really
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  good. Example is a lot of times people
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  are partnered to somebody who's very financially risk-averse.
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  So the person won't let them invest how they want or they
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  won't let them go out on their own as a business, you know,
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  create their own business out that they have a gun to their
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  head, but they don't like it, they're trying to make decisions
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  together. So then the person goes along
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  with staying at a corporate job instead of going out on their
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  own, then they divorce. Well guess what?
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  You don't have to do that anymore.
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  You don't have to listen to Or Be influenced by your Verse
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  partner. So you do go out on your own and
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  then you're very successful and I've seen that happen more than
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  once. And so, that is just the other.
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  Because listen, if you're a guy Googling on the internet, like
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  what happens after you get divorced, you have all these
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  people who are like super - and say that you'll be like, you
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  know, poverty stricken. So I'm the on the other hand,
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  I'm trying to be the other voice.
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  That says, it doesn't have to be like that.
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  And I've seen it not be like that a bunch now.
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  Does this mean you shouldn't work on your marriage?
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  SLI, not and that is like, such an insane thing to think is that
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  people would be like, oh, really, I'm not going to lose
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  any money. Well then shit.
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  I'll just get divorced tomorrow. No one.
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  I have never seen anybody get divorced without a lot of
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  thought. It is a super guilt inducing,
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  anxiety-provoking depressing situation to be, particularly
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  with children to divorce because you know that you're breaking up
• 11:00
  your kids family and the idea of having a happy family for them
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  down. Mine seems very nebulous at the
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  time, you know, of the divorce. Like you want that to happen.
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  You want it to end up better than it was, but you don't know.
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  There's no guarantees. So nobody makes I very few
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  people, make a divorce decision, short-sighted lie or without
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  ample you, no consideration. But there are a lot of people
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  who remain in toxic miserable situations where the kids
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  actually, wish they would have got divorced.
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  And, as I've said, numerous times in my podcast, I was such
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  a child, you know, and I've met many other people throughout my
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  my work certainly as a clinician and in general who had fighting
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  miserable parents, where you would think, why don't they get
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  divorce? Why don't they get divorced you
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  know? And so if you are in that kind
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  of situation but your own anxiety and rigidity around
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  money is the bottleneck then that would be a good thing to
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  work on in therapy because what you're really doing is you're
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  saying my life is worth x amount.
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  Thousands of dollars. Is it?
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  You know, like is it really? I don't think so and I don't
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  think it's what you would advise your child if they were in a
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  similar situation. So, this is just a thought
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  experiment about how much money is your happiness in the only
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  life that you get. How much is it worth?
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  Is it worth a million in the bank?
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  Is it worth a hundred thousand in the bank?
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  How how how much money is it? You know?
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  I mean really how about if you were going to die tomorrow?
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  You're going to. Well if you're going to die
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  tomorrow, really nothing would matter if you were Gonna die in
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  five years. Would you get divorced?
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  Then would you try to have a chance at love?
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  Then what about 10 years? You know, how much are you kind
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  of imprisoning yourself by your fear and anxiety and not
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  allowing yourself to see that? This is an untenable situation
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  if it is. So, you know, you really got to
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  think like, what would you advise, your kid, would you want
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  your child to stay in a Loveless and or high conflict situation
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  just because of money? I mean, would you most people
• 13:04
  would say no. So think about it and you could
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  really use it as a good thought experiment.
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  Because anybody who's ever had this idea that they wouldn't get
• 13:13
  divorced because of money. It's they usually tend to bit
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  toward anxious you know. And anxiety is certainly
• 13:19
  something that you can work on in therapy.
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  That's one of the most, you know, common things that people
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  come to therapy for is an anxious or rigid worldview.
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  And in this case, the rigid worldview is, I need X dollars
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  in the bank and if I if I have X over 2, I I will not be able to
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  survive and that is, that is rarely the case and and that
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  that is what it is. So I will end on that note and
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  I'll talk to you very soon. Thanks so much for subscribing.
• 13:49
  You, you didn't subscribe. This is not a subscriber.
• 13:52
  So you should subscribe. And also of course if you want
• 13:56
  to talk about topics like this more, I have my Facebook group.
• 13:59
  You go to the blue subscribe button on my Facebook page, dr.
• 14:02
  Psych mom on Facebook And there's over 200 of us, there
• 14:07
  are single married divorced like everything.
• 14:10
  A lot of people and the Common Thread is that they like to talk
• 14:13
  about topics involving relationships, people, family
• 14:15
  parenting, etc. Etc.
• 14:17
  There are some people without kids but not many and that is a
• 14:21
  good place to get more interaction with me as well.
• 14:24
  I will talk to everybody soon. Have a great day, guys.