Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Yes There Should Be A Sexual Marital Contract

Transcript

Yes There Should Be A Sexual Marital Contract · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi, everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show. Today, we are going to be
• 0:09
  talking about the sexual marital contract which is nothing that
• 0:14
  anybody thinks exists until they think about it, perhaps more
• 0:18
  clearly. I mean, everybody used to think
• 0:20
  it existed but currently, it is out of Vogue.
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  Probably will come back at some point but this is not a piece of
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  paper but it is something implicit between the spouses
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  that that we will get to as soon as I tell you to subscribe
• 0:34
  because we have Lots and lots of great subscriber episodes, you
• 0:38
  know, the oral sex on women one and then all the others that you
• 0:41
  care about less. Okay, so what is this?
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  Sexual marital contract. So, let me walk you through the
• 0:46
  story of Jane, Jane is a woman who, you know, she's not a
• 0:51
  perfect person, she's got some personality issues of some sort,
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  maybe she is annoying in some way.
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  Maybe she is not the smartest person in the world.
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  Maybe she can be lazy either way.
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  She Wants to hug and kiss her husband and have sex with him.
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  But every time he tells her that she is not good enough.
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  Perfect enough, she doesn't communicate.
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  Well, she's really not that smart.
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  She left there there's dishes in the sink and so he can't hug.
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  Every can't kiss her, and he can't have sex with her.
• 1:22
  You literally know where I'm going with this analogy and
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  still I bet you cannot stop yourself from feeling bad.
• 1:28
  For poor hypothetical Jane that her husband such a douchebag,
• 1:32
  right? But meanwhile, Like, what is the
• 1:36
  situation on the ground for many married?
• 1:39
  Men, it is exactly this and I am the first one to say that women
• 1:43
  operate differently from Men in bed.
• 1:45
  I have the podcast to prove it and all the posts, but but it
• 1:51
  cannot be just ignored that if you are in a monogamous sexual
• 1:56
  relationship, just deciding that you are going to cut out.
• 2:00
  Basically, the only thing that makes you guys not just friends
• 2:05
  isn't very nice and it isn't very fair, it isn't fair.
• 2:11
  So if people are very into Justice and fairness, which so
• 2:15
  many people are particularly women, women are really into
• 2:18
  that. They want everything to be fair
• 2:21
  for you. No children and everybody else
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  all the vulnerable populations but then something breaks down
• 2:29
  when it comes to the idea of fairness within the marriage
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  because Did you cannot put sex? Like you can't say if you do
• 2:39
  enough dishes then I'm going to have sex with you or if you
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  learn to use, I statements from the marital counselor that I'm
• 2:46
  going to have sex with you and I don't ever feel like hugging
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  your kissing you but you cannot go outside the marriage for
• 2:52
  physical touch. You can't really say that and be
• 2:55
  a nice person. So somehow it recent years maybe
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  the past, I don't even know how many years or even decades it
• 3:04
  has Come on Trend to say that you can say this because sex
• 3:11
  should never be forced and no woman shouldn't do what she
• 3:14
  doesn't want to do. Now, I think that I have my
• 3:16
  responsive desire podcast have really blown out of the water.
• 3:20
  Not that I came up with this idea.
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  I don't know, who the hell came up with it.
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  It's just kind of how women work, but responsive desire
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  means that you may never be in the mood.
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  In fact, I was the subtitle of my post and Responsive desire.
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  If you're never in the mood, that's normal.
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  So basically you never going to be in the mood but so but how
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  then can all sex before stressed?
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  It kid can't really be forced sometimes you just decide right
• 3:51
  to be a good partner and decide to get yourself in the mood when
• 3:55
  you don't decide this ever and you don't decide that you are
• 4:01
  also going to at least tolerate hugging and kissing.
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  You, but the person can't go outside the marriage for any of
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  it. This is an impossible situation,
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  you know, this is not a fair marital contract for a
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  monogamous relationship. It has nothing to it, has
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  nothing to do with genders or anything except that, of course,
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  people feel worse for women than they do for men in the same
• 4:27
  situation. Just because it seems sad to
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  think about a woman getting rejected, but apparently not sad
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  to think of a man getting Checked it.
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  I don't know why but it is equivalently sad for any human
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  being to be rejected. Repeatedly within a
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  relationship. That's just that just like a
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  child picture, a child, going up to a parent for a hug and the
• 4:45
  parent is never in the mood for a hug that parent.
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  You would think of as an asshole right there, never give their
• 4:52
  kids a hug, they only give a half a hug, they never kiss them
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  and they don't lay down with them in bed for bedtime.
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  They don't cuddle them ever. They don't ever touch this kid
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  except to feed them or something.
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  They did the Harlow, the Monkey experiment.
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  Remember there with the with the wire mother?
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  I'm sure so many of you have taken this introductory
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  psychology class in college or even high school and the baby
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  monkeys were had the wire mother monkey made out of wire and the
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  cloth mother and the why your mother had the bottle.
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  And so this was to see if the monkeys would bond to the wire
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  mother because it gave food. Well, no, they just went and God
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  you know milk from The Wire mother.
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  Then they cuddled with the soft mother because animals mammals
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  need to cuddle. Of course, there's a normal
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  distribution of how much they need to cuddle, which is why I
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  have this podcast, right? Because a lot of y'all are
• 5:47
  married to people who don't like to cuddle at all.
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  Some of those people are getting cuddling needs met from their
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  kids. Some people do not have a cuddle
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  need, but if you are the younger, you are the more you
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  need to cuddle and the more male, you are, the more you need
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  to cuddle usually. And if you just cut off the
• 6:04
  Partner, who wants to cuddle from all cuddling?
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  This is not a very fair marital contract.
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  This would be similar to your husband saying.
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  I do not want to go to concerts with you because I don't like
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  concerts. However, if you have the
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  audacity to go to a concert with somebody else, I will divorce
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  you and I will tell our kids that you what were the reason
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  you know, in crazy shit that people would say about sexual
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  infidelity You can't say in a marriage, it has to be
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  understood that there are things that each person will try to do
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  and it is it is really imperative to realize if you are
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  the partner who has been the one who increasingly, I see more and
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  more people with completely sexless marriages, right?
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  Because I guess I guess the rest of you got two runs half sexless
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  marriages or just like, I don't know.
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  Waiting longer to see if it's going to improve on its own
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  before you come into counseling. Don't do that?
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  That's a stupid idea. Try to get in now before the
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  should really It's the fan and you go down to a definitionally
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  sexless, marriage of less than 10 times per year, if you're a
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  20 times per year, you should be in Sex Therapy, right?
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  As long as both of you have one of you at least doesn't want
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  that if y'all are cool with like even 0 times a year, great you
• 7:20
  have found your kindred spirit. But if one of you wants to be
• 7:23
  having a more healthy sex life in the other one is always
• 7:27
  saying no no no no no no no no no.
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  This is not going to get better wins.
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  It can get better with age. Yeah, that means yeah right
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  here. Is gonna get better with age
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  with stress, what add another kid and not Al improve it,
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  definitely not so but anyway, if you are in a relationship, there
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  have to be contracts for certain things being kind to each other.
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  Right? Being generous to each other
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  within reason, getting each other.
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  A glass of water. If you are standing up at the
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  other person sitting down and like, basic respect that each
• 8:01
  other has the desire and the Need For Love.
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  In whatever way that person wants to be loved.
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  So if you marry somebody and they have a need for Words of
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  Affirmation, you can't just be like, fuck you.
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  I'm never going to say anything nice to you because I don't
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  fucking feel like it that person would be within their rights to
• 8:20
  leave you because you're being such an asshole.
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  Similarly, you can't really say to somebody.
• 8:26
  I do not ever want to have sex again but I want to remain
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  married. Now, if somebody does say that
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  to you or if they say no, I You like it now but like maybe if
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  you were totally different, then I would.
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  So let's go to counseling focusing on making you totally
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  different. I don't want to talk about the
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  sex piece though. Let's go to counseling, focusing
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  on you being totally different and then maybe after that I
• 8:49
  could potentially consider maybe not sure maybe having sex with
• 8:52
  you or even kissing you. I don't know yet, though.
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  Don't get into that situation. So on the other hand, if you are
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  the partner who is being handed, this is a breach of contract in
• 9:03
  which the person refuses Has to touch.
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  You after committing to marry you, you got to really do some
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  internal self-reflection, right? Why are you in this situation?
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  I have a podcast called why you think you don't deserve a good
• 9:15
  sex life? This is a podcast subtitled.
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  Why you don't think you deserve any sex life and this isn't even
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  worse upbringing, spoiler alert as I always say.
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  Goes back to the upbringing so this should not be a surprise.
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  It goes back the upbringing because who would think that you
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  marry somebody they say they're going to do eggs, they Stop
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  doing eggs and then you decide to stay forever for the rest of
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  your life. Being super upset about it.
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  Only a person that basically believes that they are not
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  worthy of love and they're not worthy of a person kind of
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  sticking to the terms of the agreement.
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  It's really a breach of contract.
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  Now I'm not saying that you should say because we're
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  married, you need to have sex with me three times a week.
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  And if you don't I'm going to leave you.
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  The people that are listening to this that need the wake-up call
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  are so far from that end. The Spectrum there people who
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  would find it hard to tell their wife.
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  If you don't have sex with me three times in a year, I might
• 10:11
  possibly consider doing the dishes.
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  Less often, you know, I mean, this is the level that we're at
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  the people that need to hear this podcasts are the people who
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  are struggling with deep-seated issues of low self-esteem.
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  And they tried to overcompensate in Every Which Way not that,
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  they don't also have their outbursts and sulkiness and
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  whatever. But overall they try, they do
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  try to be They are faithful, certainly faithful.
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  And they try to be in some way committed.
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  They're certainly usually the financial providers,
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  statistically given us, their the males.
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  And although, as I always say, female Breadwinners are
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  increasing. But anyhow, they are the people
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  who will not self, Advocate who will not say, you know what?
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  We're married. So we got to have a sex life
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  because this is like, you know, an important part of being
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  married to me. It's important part of
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  expressing love. It's something I signed up for.
• 11:03
  I love you and all But if we if I never have sex against not
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  cool with me, if I only have sex where you are, wishing that you
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  were on a different planet during the during it and it's
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  only five times a year, that's not cool with me Etc.
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  People that struggle with feelings of low self-worth which
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  originated in a childhood where you were not treated.
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  As very important are the exact people who struggle with
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  realizing that they are important now and therefore they
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  are unable really to say something like hey something
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  Very obvious like, hey, this is a marriage.
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  You are not allowed to like not, not touch me ever.
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  And also tell me that I can't touch anybody else on also
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  remain married to me. So often these men are the ones
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  who are and there's Sometimes women in the situation as well.
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  These people are in a dream world really.
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  And they're used to being in a dream world because it was an
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  escape that they had from their bad, family of origin, was to go
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  into a dream world about when I will have a perfect life.
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  And when I will get out of Here and what my life will be like.
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  And what I will do, which is a common coping mechanism for
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  children and unhappy homes as they develop an active fantasy
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  life, not just sexual fantasy but fantasy about how they are
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  going to be in this great way. That is so different than that
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  and now they're doing the same thing.
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  You know, they are in this fantasy world, that this is
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  going to change that somehow, this is going to change.
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  And maybe, I mean, there's people men, the literally say,
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  when the kids are out of the house, out of the house, this is
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  talking about, like, 18 years old.
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  That's what we're going to have. It's like really at that point
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  you will have been after menopause for already like to 25
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  years. How how is a sexless marriage
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  from years decades, in the making going to revert to an
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  active sex life? After the kids are out of the
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  house? Makes no sense.
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  It only makes sense. If you're used to basically
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  escaping into a fantasy world in order to self-soothe, which is
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  what happens to many kids again that grew up in unhappy homes.
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  So if this resonates with you and treat you to Think about
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  what you would advise your children to do in a situation
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  like this. Where, for example, they had a
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  friend, you know, who said we're going to be friends, you're
• 13:12
  going to come over my house and we're going to hang out and play
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  video games. And then the kid tries to go
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  home with their friend and their friends.
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  Like, no, I'm not playing any video games with you.
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  I don't like you. What I want you to do at this
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  house to just sit in my room. I'm going to play video games by
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  myself. You tell your kids, you see,
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  never go over that house again. They told you one thing and they
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  did another and they sound like an asshole on top of it.
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  Don't go over to that kids house.
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  But what are you modeling? If you remain in a Loveless and
• 13:39
  sexless marriage, when that is a big priority of yours or even a
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  hug, listen, kissless marriage for years and years and years,
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  despite knowing in your heart that this is something that you
• 13:53
  signed up for and expect it to have.
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  But instead you're just deciding to kind of let your whole life,
• 13:58
  go away from you, by not Reckoning with it.
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  So what do I advise? I advise to go to couples
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  counseling. Of course.
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  Or if you're not the sort of if you're the sort of person is
• 14:07
  like nah my spouse never going to go to couples counseling.
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  Well then you have to think about why you were staying in
• 14:11
  such a situation. Then I advise individual therapy
• 14:14
  to bolster up your confidence and help you understand the
• 14:17
  origin of these issues that make you stay in such a shitty
• 14:20
  situation where there is, it breach of contract the same
• 14:24
  breach of contract that would be there if there's a contract that
• 14:27
  you're going to be courteous to your spouse.
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  If you walk in the door and they punched you in the face, you
• 14:34
  might Fact you might say that is not what we do.
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  You crazy lunatic when somebody walks in the house, instead you
• 14:40
  say hello, you know, and if they kept on punching you in the
• 14:43
  face, I hope that you would leave.
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  But it's many men would pick that situation the punch in the
• 14:50
  face over the sexless marriage for decades.
• 14:52
  Yeah. They're in the ladder and they
• 14:53
  would leave with the former maybe most men would.
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  So think about this if it if it applies to you because you only
• 15:00
  have one life you know and you don't want to be with somebody
• 15:03
  that does not Not think about you at all as a romantic partner
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  when you only get one go around. And you cannot think to
• 15:11
  yourself, possibly, that you would advise your child to say
• 15:14
  in such a situation. So think about why you think
• 15:17
  that you are so worthless that you should deserve to stay in
• 15:20
  it. You're not and you don't.
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  So think about it with enough impetus and enough pep talks,
• 15:27
  many people will reach out for counseling.
• 15:29
  I've seen it happen, you know? And sometimes that could be
• 15:32
  transformative or can at least help.
• 15:34
  Somebody transform on their own such that they understand what
• 15:39
  sort of situation they're in and their options.
• 15:41
  And they feel like there may be a little bit less power less,
• 15:44
  and less hopeless unless stock. Alright, I hope you guys got
• 15:47
  something out of this and I'll talk to you soon.
• 15:49
  Bye.