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Can You Change the Intensity of Your Emotions? · No Shrinking Violets Podcast for Women

• 0:00
  Mary: Hi, and welcome to a mini episode of No Shrinking Violets.
• 0:05
  Mary: Can we change the way we feel?
• 0:07
  Mary: The answer, short, is yes.
• 0:10
  Mary: And I'm gonna talk a little bit about how we can do that.
• 0:13
  Mary: But the first thing that I want to do, because you know, first and foremost, I'm a therapist.
• 0:18
  Mary: So I've certainly worked with people with deep, deep anxiety and deep depression.
• 0:23
  Mary: And so I'm not trying to minimize a serious mental health diagnosis.
• 0:28
  Mary: However, whatever level of feelings you struggle with, I think what I'm gonna talk about today can help.
• 0:36
  Mary: So the reason this has been on my mind is because I've been feeling very heavy, very powerless about a lot of situations that have been happening in the United States.
• 0:46
  Mary: Images that are heartbreaking and angering and really almost almost impossible to believe, but the situation is what it is.
• 1:00
  Mary: And when we see things on a global scale, it can be really hard to figure out what we can do to help.
• 1:07
  Mary: We can feel helpless, we can feel guilty, so many things.
• 1:11
  Mary: But even if there are issues in your own life that are hard, maybe you have a loved one that is not well, or they're making decisions that you know are putting them in danger, or are things that you see them on a path that's hard, or maybe for yourself, you're being treated in a way that is abusive, or you have a big decision to make and you need to, you really want to extricate yourself from a situation, but you have a lot of fear.
• 1:40
  Mary: It could be anything.
• 1:43
  Mary: And one of the things that is important to think about, and one of the reasons that it has been on my mind to talk about this is when I have had these feelings and they've actually kept me awake at night.
• 1:58
  Mary: And, you know, I've also had a situation recently where someone treated me really unfairly.
• 2:04
  Mary: And so I was in those, that sort of space where women often get to, where it's like, do I really want to speak up because I don't want to be, you know, I don't want to be a bitch.
• 2:14
  Mary: But at the same time, I knew that I wasn't being treated fairly.
• 2:17
  Mary: So a lot of things happening.
• 2:19
  Mary: And what popped into my mind the one night was something that a friend of mine had told me about the teachings of Esther and Jerry Hicks, and they channel the teachings of Abraham.
• 2:32
  Mary: And I'm not going to go into that part of it, but if you want to know more about what I'm talking about, you can do a search for Abraham Hicks, and that will tell you more about the law of attraction and about kind of where this comes from.
• 2:46
  Mary: But the site that I'm going to link in the show notes is called discoveringpeace.com and it outlines a lot of what I'm going to talk about.
• 2:56
  Mary: So I'm lying there one night and it popped into my mind the question how do I want to feel now?
• 3:05
  Mary: Because I was feeling heavy and hopeless and frustrated, and just so many of those emotions that shoot your cortisol up at night and makes it nearly impossible to sleep.
• 3:15
  Mary: And this question popped into my mind because a friend had talked with me about this years ago and I was in a really hard place emotionally.
• 3:24
  Mary: And so it seems like such a trite thing.
• 3:27
  Mary: Like, how do I want to feel?
• 3:29
  Mary: And it can feel like you're diminishing someone's situation or your own situation by thinking, oh, I want to feel happy instead of this grief.
• 3:40
  Mary: And so making a leap like that is nearly impossible.
• 3:45
  Mary: But wanting to slightly feel better is actually something that can not only empower you, but can change the energy of the situation.
• 3:55
  Mary: So, regardless of what you or someone else is going through, trying to manage the emotion attached to it and making it feel a bit less heavy, less negative, less hopeless is really the beginning of changing the situation, coming through the situation.
• 4:15
  Mary: So there is something called the emotional guidance scale, and that's part of Abraham Hicks' teachings.
• 4:22
  Mary: And one of the things I love about this is as a therapist and as someone who loves words, if we can accurately describe what we're feeling, that is the first step in changing it.
• 4:35
  Mary: So you can see if you go to the website, and I'll, again, I'll link it in the show notes, it gives you the continuum and it starts at the bottom with the emotions that are really the toughest, things like fear and grief and depression and despair, the things that make you feel so powerless and they're so big.
• 4:56
  Mary: And it culminates at the top with things like joy and appreciation and freedom and love and all the things that even just saying the words can can make you sense kind of that feeling of uplift.
• 5:12
  Mary: But within the emotional guidance scale, there are um shades of improvement or shades of change.
• 5:21
  Mary: So for instance, if you're feeling worry and you can adjust that just a little bit to having doubt instead of worry, that is much less heavy.
• 5:33
  Mary: And so one of the first steps in trying to change your emotion is being able to accurately label it.
• 5:43
  Mary: And sometimes when we're feeling something, we'll just slap a general term on.
• 5:48
  Mary: Oh, I feel anxious.
• 5:49
  Mary: I feel mad.
• 5:51
  Mary: But once we can get the nuance, it might be like, well, I don't really feel anxiety so much as I feel a little apprehension or I have an elevated level of concern.
• 6:04
  Mary: You know, I think we can help ourselves feel better because we're telling our amygdala, you know what, it isn't like crazy, panicky anxiety.
• 6:13
  Mary: It's more like apprehension.
• 6:15
  Mary: And immediately that can be a lightning.
• 6:18
  Mary: So doing this shifts your energy.
• 6:20
  Mary: And when you shift your energy, you start to see options that you didn't before.
• 6:26
  Mary: You start to actually become more aware of how to navigate the situation because you're not trapped under the um assigning an emotion that's bigger than it is, or you're doing what you can do to make it a little more manageable and not quite so heavy.
• 6:46
  Mary: So the first thing is notice what you're feeling and name it.
• 6:50
  Mary: Either write it down, say it out loud.
• 6:53
  Mary: I actually do talk to myself.
• 6:55
  Mary: So I'm not really a journaler, which I probably should be because I'm a writer, but I find when I start to journal, it's like, I don't know, it feels like a lot to me.
• 7:05
  Mary: So I will either do a bullet pointed journal, like five things for the day, or I talk out loud to myself.
• 7:12
  Mary: So the first step would be to say something like, I'm feeling so frustrated.
• 7:18
  Mary: Okay, now we've named it.
• 7:20
  Mary: And then you can start to ask yourself some questions about it, like, how would I rather feel right now?
• 7:26
  Mary: Or is there something I can do to make me feel a little bit better?
• 7:32
  Mary: Or another question, is there any part of me that's actually okay?
• 7:37
  Mary: So sometimes when we feel a lot of heavy things, um, or we feel really worried about something, there is likely another part of life that things are actually going okay.
• 7:51
  Mary: Maybe you had a really good meal that day, or maybe you've been having a good text conversation with your grown children, or you and your spouse or partner just had a great meal together, or you, you know, there are always something, even the littlest thing that could be positive.
• 8:10
  Mary: And so then gently reframe the thought.
• 8:13
  Mary: So a lot of times we'll talk in absolutes, like nothing is working, or everything is going wrong right now.
• 8:20
  Mary: Soften that a little bit.
• 8:22
  Mary: Be aware of those absolute words and think, you know what, there might be something I haven't tried yet.
• 8:28
  Mary: Or instead of saying you can't do something, you could say, Well, I haven't done it yet, or I'm still working it through, I'm still figuring it out.
• 8:37
  Mary: Those are much more gentle.
• 8:39
  Mary: So think about what you would say to a friend.
• 8:42
  Mary: If a friend said to you, well, nothing's working, you might come back with, well, here's something that worked, or I remember you shared this thing last week.
• 8:51
  Mary: And then do something that actually starts to change the energy.
• 8:57
  Mary: And that might be something as small as go outside and look at the sky.
• 9:01
  Mary: You know, you know, I'm a nature girl, take a deep breath, look at the sky.
• 9:06
  Mary: If it's nighttime and you can see stars, look at the stars.
• 9:10
  Mary: If it's daytime, look at the clouds, or just close your eyes and feel the sun on your face.
• 9:17
  Mary: If you can't get outside, tell yourself something positive.
• 9:23
  Mary: You know, comfort yourself, touch your heart and say, I can handle this.
• 9:28
  Mary: I'm working to handle this.
• 9:30
  Mary: If you love music, it might be turning on a song that makes you feel better.
• 9:35
  Mary: One of the things that I do is I try to make somebody else's day better.
• 9:41
  Mary: So for instance, I really don't love going to the grocery store.
• 9:44
  Mary: But one thing that I absolutely make it a priority to do is when I get in line, if I have a cashier, because a lot of times now it's self-checkout, I look at the cashier.
• 9:56
  Mary: I take a minute and I look at them in the face and say, How are things going today?
• 10:01
  Mary: Not just looking at my phone and being like, How you doing, actually looking at them and having an interaction, thanking them, telling them to have a great rest of their day.
• 10:13
  Mary: That shifts the energy.
• 10:15
  Mary: So any of those things are energy shifters.
• 10:20
  Mary: And try an affirmation.
• 10:22
  Mary: Now, affirmations, again, can feel very trite.
• 10:26
  Mary: I think it's um, I don't think it's quite reasonable if you are having a really shitty day, or there have been so many things that have been hard in your life to say, oh my God, I love my life.
• 10:37
  Mary: That's that may be a bridge too far.
• 10:41
  Mary: So if it feels really fake, don't worry about it.
• 10:45
  Mary: But sometimes when we're really kind of beating ourselves up or thinking about all the things that we haven't done or haven't done well or haven't turned out, it can kind of be the same as changing your thinking a little bit.
• 11:00
  Mary: So acknowledge, like this is really hard, but I'm trying.
• 11:05
  Mary: And sometimes it's also using the word and.
• 11:10
  Mary: So for instance, it might be this totally sucks, and I'm gonna do my best to get through today.
• 11:17
  Mary: Two things can be true at once.
• 11:19
  Mary: It might literally be true that right now there aren't a lot of things that are going well, but we are wired to come through it, to heal.
• 11:31
  Mary: And so, you know, telling yourself, this isn't great, but I'm gonna take the next step.
• 11:37
  Mary: I've talked before about gratitude on this show.
• 11:40
  Mary: And again, it can be another thing where people can really think, what do I have to be thankful for?
• 11:46
  Mary: And I'm not saying thank the universe for all the things that have gone wrong or all the people that may have said hurtful things.
• 11:56
  Mary: It's looking at your own life.
• 11:59
  Mary: What are things that you're thankful for in a small way that for a second make your life better?
• 12:05
  Mary: So it might be that when you talk to that cashier, you can see them relax.
• 12:12
  Mary: You can see that they appreciate it.
• 12:15
  Mary: It might be just a text that somebody sent you in the past week that maybe you took for granted.
• 12:22
  Mary: It might be that you decide, I'm gonna go make myself a cup of my favorite tea.
• 12:26
  Mary: I'm gonna just take that break.
• 12:28
  Mary: Um, one of the things that I love is clean sheets.
• 12:32
  Mary: Um, so it's focusing on what are the things you love.
• 12:38
  Mary: I love the smell of my cat's fur.
• 12:40
  Mary: You know, it can be the silliest, silliest thing, but that's really how change happens.
• 12:45
  Mary: Very few things change in one big sweep.
• 12:50
  Mary: It's not flipping a light switch, it's not going from dark to light, it's taking one little step.
• 12:56
  Mary: And again, that's why I love the emotional guidance skill because you can tweak it just a little bit and just a little bit again, and know that it is not one direction.
• 13:06
  Mary: Like you may be doing um really well.
• 13:08
  Mary: Like you have a couple days where you're like, all right, I'm I'm doing pretty good.
• 13:12
  Mary: I'm being able to reframe some of this stuff.
• 13:14
  Mary: And then day four hits and you wake up and you just feel like a pile of crap.
• 13:20
  Mary: You just take a minute and start over because it's not failing if you backslide.
• 13:26
  Mary: That's life.
• 13:27
  Mary: Nobody just moves in one direction and arrives at the top of the mountain and the rest of the rest of their life is a dance party.
• 13:34
  Mary: That's not how it works.
• 13:36
  Mary: And the other thing is sometimes you don't need a mindset shift.
• 13:41
  Mary: Sometimes you just need a nap, or to just ball your eyes out, or sometimes you need just a bath, or you need to say, I'm just gonna watch three episodes on Netflix or Hulu or whatever and just lose yourself in something.
• 13:59
  Mary: Or if it's possible for you to take a day off of work, you take a day off of work and you read a book.
• 14:06
  Mary: Really, the key is to just let go a little bit.
• 14:10
  Mary: You know, it might be that you journal about something or you're writing a letter to someone that really hurts you.
• 14:16
  Mary: You don't have to send it, but you're giving yourself permission to let it out, to say it.
• 14:23
  Mary: You don't have to pretend that you're not feeling something, or you don't have to quote, be nice.
• 14:29
  Mary: Get it all out.
• 14:30
  Mary: You don't have to send it.
• 14:32
  Mary: Or when you realize that sometimes your own thinking has created something that's harder, forgive yourself.
• 14:40
  Mary: Let it go.
• 14:41
  Mary: Each day is a new day that you can start to take a different step.
• 14:46
  Mary: Even one little thing starts to make a shift.
• 14:50
  Mary: And so that's what I'm trying to remind myself when I think about the events of the world and the events that are happening right now in Minneapolis and other cities in my own country, and when I see how people are treating other people.
• 15:03
  Mary: And, you know, I would say some of this, it has me for sure at the bottom of the emotional scale with fear, with grief, and sometimes despair.
• 15:15
  Mary: But it's the little things that can take you up a few steps, and it's focusing on the gratitude, it's focusing on how do I want to feel right now, and how can I make even a tiny change, and recognizing that when you can create emotions that are more empowering, you have more power.
• 15:36
  Mary: It doesn't diminish the grief over what someone has experienced.
• 15:42
  Mary: It doesn't diminish the tragedy of things that are happening or the situation of maybe someone you love.
• 15:50
  Mary: But what it does is it gives you the ability to be there in a different way, in an empowered way.
• 15:57
  Mary: So again, I'm gonna link discoveringpeace.com and it's specifically about the emotional guidance scale of Abraham Hicks.
• 16:05
  Mary: So read more about Abraham Hicks too if you want.
• 16:08
  Mary: I think it can be a really empowering place to work from.
• 16:13
  Mary: So thanks for listening, and until next time, go out into the world and be the amazing, resilient, vibrant violet that you are.