Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Overfunctioning and Underfunctioning

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Overfunctioning and Underfunctioning · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

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Hi, everyone and welcome to episode 5 of the doctors.
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Psych mom show. I'm dr.
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Samantha Rodman. Whiten a clinical psychologist
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in private practice and the founder of Dr. Psych mom.com.
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So today I want to talk about something that everybody can
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notice in either themselves or somebody around them.
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It's called over functioning. Now, this is, it means when you
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do more More than everybody around you.
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Which means that, of course, those people under function.
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So if you are the one in group work, back at school, that did
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everything did the whole thing and nobody else did, as much as
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you or you are the one at work who comes early and stays late
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and goes to all the meetings. Nobody else wants to go to and
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is on all the committee's and remembers, everybody's birthday,
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or you are the person who does all of the housework.
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All of the childcare says that nobody.
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Helps you nobody can do it as well as you and so, therefore,
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you have to do it. All you are an over function.
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ER, other people can recognize this personality type and a
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parent spouse friend and anybody, it's kind of a common
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personality type. Now the way that this
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personality type develops is this person, the over function
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or saw it happened and their family of origin.
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Usually they had a parent who was an over function, ER
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frequently the over function or was paired with an under
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function. ER, so a lot of adult children
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of Alcoholics are over function errs, because they saw the
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enabling parent, the non-alcoholic one act this way
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allowing the alcoholic parent to under function.
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So for example, a mom who cooks cleans works and extra job and
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does everything else around the house and the dad basically gets
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drunk. And she says that she can't
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leave because he would not know what to do without her, he would
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die without her. And she's find some sort of a
2:15
reason to stay and to enable the behavior.
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So when you are an over function, it doesn't have to be
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as severe as in the case of enabling an alcoholic.
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It can be that you just end up doing 100% of the chores. 100%
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of the childcare, you are the only one who does the quote, The
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labor in the house. Now I talked a lot about
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emotional labor on my blog but not in the way that I think that
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it's very useful term. In fact I think it's been
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overused and the sociological definition originally was about
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the emotional labor done by stewardesses and and like
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service occupations where they had to act happy all the time
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even when they weren't. But now the term has morphed
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into almost anything and that includes things that other
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people don't want to do and that you're doing.
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But I talked about that a lot and I'll probably have an
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upcoming episode on that anyhow. What it really means here is
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that you are over functioning, not because you have to, but
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because this is your familiar place you doing, 100% of
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everything is familiar to you and it's reassuring in some way.
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Sure you say you don't like it and you don't like it per se,
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but You like the the the opposite a lot less, you do not
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want to be out of control, you want things to go your way?
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You like to be in charge fully you like to pick and choose how
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things get done. And that is more important than
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getting a break or sharing the bird.
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So this type has a lot in common with what I call the Workhorse,
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which are people that just do. Work and work and work and work
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and think that that's their entire identity is to do
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everything all the time. And that's the only way that
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people will love them or people Pleasers who just feel that
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their identities to make everybody else happy at the
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expense of their own needs or desires which they frequently
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forget about in the first place when you are an over function or
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you're forgetting about your own needs and you're putting
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yourself in this position that is untenable long-term.
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You can do everything and not get burned out.
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You can't do. Percent of your job or the child
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care, or the homemaking or the organization of your friend
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group, get-togethers or really anything without eventually
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feeling very resentful. And the resentment goes toward
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the under function errs. So, a common you can tell if
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you're an over function or if you have certain cognitive
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distortions, meaning ways of thinking that aren't real, that
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go kind of like this without me knowing would be able to
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survive. I am the only one who knows how
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to do whatever, whatever whatever my partner would not be
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able to keep the kids alive without me.
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Nobody could ever replicate the sheer amount or the quality of
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things that I do at work / around the house, / in this
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marriage, whatever. Now this obviously you hear it,
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when I, when I say it in this hyperbolic way that this can't
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possibly be, right? I mean if God forbid, you died,
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somebody would step in and help and usually it would be your
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partner or family members. That would step in.
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And make sure that for example, your children did not die and
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your bills got paid and there was food in the refrigerator,
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but it's hard to see it like that, when you've seen only a
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template of one, person constantly calling themselves a
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martyr in this way and doing so much, and another person doing
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so little When people base their self-worth, and their
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self-esteem on being able to out work and outperform everyone
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else, they can get trapped in this as their main identity.
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And then hate everybody else around them.
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Who seems to be able to take a break.
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Now, these people they feel can get loved just for who they are.
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Whereas the over function or feels that they can't get loved
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unless they over function, they don't directly articulate this
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but they don't really feel on a deep level that they Should be
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loved just for showing up but rather they have to kind of
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perform and Achieve and make everything perfect.
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And only then would they be worthy of others respect or love
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or admiration? This isn't the case.
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In fact, most people start to resent the over function.
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ER, this is somebody that is considered to be a martyr
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somebody that toots their own horn, somebody that pretends
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that they don't want, Everything their way but in reality is a
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control freak. You know nobody really wants to
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interact with a control freak or a micromanager.
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This is the underbelly of the over function.
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ER they do everything and therefore everything is done
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their way and then they kind of get addicted to having things
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done their way, which they begin to think of as the only right or
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good way. Now there's a common situation
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where a woman Or a man. It's really equal, even though
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people don't believe that nowadays because of popular
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media saying that men are so helpless and stupid, which I
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could talk about endlessly. It's not true and it's not fair.
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But anyhow, let's say, because this is so common that women
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will openly complain about this. Men are kind of ashamed about it
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if it's their situation but women will openly say, I do
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everything around the house, my husband does nothing, he sleeps
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through the Be Monitor and he doesn't Feed the Children.
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And he doesn't know how to do the laundry.
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He doesn't know how to do the grocery shopping.
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Now, in some cases, there is some sort of major undiagnosed
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depression going on or ADHD that has just become incredibly
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paralyzing to the point that the person cannot have a job and
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really is sitting around doing absolutely nothing.
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These are very Very, very rare cases, they're not the ones that
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I'm talking about here, the ones that I'm talking about here are
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when the man is obviously an under function, ER, because the
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woman is an over function ER and vice versa.
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They're locked in this toxic Dynamic.
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So this is a man who can go to work, can set an alarm to go to
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work. Can sometimes set an alarm to go
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to the gym before he can go to work, can make money at work,
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doesn't get fired gets promoted, even can engage in, Hobbies can
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do all sorts of things that require Focus and drive, but
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somehow the narrative in the home is that he's useless.
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And the reason that he and his wife are locked into this
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narrative, is because he doesn't do things, the way that she
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likes them to be done. So, therefore she has found it.
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Quote easier to do it herself. Meaning, it doesn't cause her
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anxiety. That's what the translation of
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that is. And then on his end, he has not
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pushed back against that as much as he should.
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So she is then falls into the over functioning martyr roll and
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he falls into the role of this childlike man that can't really
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do anything right now. You can imagine that over time.
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This marriage will probably end will probably end is not to put
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too fine a point on it and if it doesn't end, it may as well have
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because the respect is gone and the love and the intimacy
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because the people view each other as Antagonists rather than
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on the same team. So people say no, no, you don't
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understand. I'm watching my husband, he's
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sleeping, he's sleeping through the baby monitor.
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Is he sleeping through the baby monitor?
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When you are up and watching him?
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How long does he sleep through the baby monitor for?
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Would he sleep at the baby? Monitor was on the volume that
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he wanted the baby monitor to be on?
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What if you just died? What if again, God forbid you
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got hit by a car. Would the baby died too?
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If one of your Others did not step in is really unlikely that
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somebody who is a healthy adult would not figure out a way to be
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near to the baby for midnight feeding.
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It may he may not wake up as quick as you do.
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He may need the baby monitor on higher volume.
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He may need to sleep in the same room as the baby but he would
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wake up. I mean my God if he can wake up
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to an alarm he can wake up to a baby if he can't wake up to an
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alarm and he cannot hold down a job.
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Again, this is a more severe Asian that I can address an in
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another podcast called what to do when somebody truly is
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incompetent. No, I mean, but somewhat
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kidding, but this is not the situation that we're talking
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about here. What we're talking about is a
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situation where I Turn To The Man and he says, and I say well
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what would you do if she died? Right and he says, well I guess
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I'd sleep in the same room as the baby.
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Well shit, that is a good answer, right?
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So what happens when I say, all right, so then a few nights a
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week, let him sleep in the same room as the baby.
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Oh no. No, I still don't think he would
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wake up. If he did wake up, then I think
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that he would be crabby the next day because he didn't get his
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sleep. Besides, I am the only one, who
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knows how to soothe the baby baby cries, too long.
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When the babies with him, then he complains when he's tired and
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then the whole day is going to be off to a bad start plus.
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I'm not even going to be able to sleep because I'm so worried
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about what will happen to him in the baby.
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Plus there's nowhere in the house where I don't have to hear
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the baby. My suggestion of earplugs is
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soundly dismissed for any number of reasons.
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Or her going over somewhere else for the night, the basement, the
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neighbors has anything. There's always a reason why it
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has to be that she wakes up with the baby.
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Now, cool, if you want to wake up with the baby and cool, if
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you recognize that you are too anxious to let your husband, get
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up with the baby in the way that he would get up with the baby.
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But what's bad? And not cool is when you think
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that this is something bad about your husband, Unless you try out
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a few days and somehow, he never wakes up with the baby in the
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same room as the baby, which I never seen yet.
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Then then you got to think that your anxiety and your tendency
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to over function may be contributing to this Dynamic.
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And if you were to let go of the reins a little bit, you could
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get a few nights of good sleep. He could contribute to the
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midnight feedings and that household overall may be calmer
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and happier. This is the same thing with
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laundry with dishes with household chores, with anything
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else people the under function ER which again as I alluded to
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earlier, but I should make explicit, this is frequently.
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The woman is the woman. Does, there are many women who
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also are disorganized? ADHD is in women as well and so
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is depression, especially postpartum depression.
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And those things contribute to people not doing a lot and also
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there's A lot of women were just disorganized they don't like to
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do a lot of stuff in the man is the more type A guy that likes
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things done a certain way. So no matter who you are, if you
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are the one that says that you cannot let your partner do
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things around the house because they do them poorly.
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Then it needs not only does them doing it.
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Poorly have to be examined because certainly they shouldn't
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be passive aggressively doing a real crap job on purpose but
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your standards Also may have to be examined.
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I wrote a post called. What would your Housework
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standards. Be a few felt more loved for
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most people. Their housework standards would
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go down considerably. If they felt more positivity and
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warmth and affection in the marriage as a whole if you feel
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like your husband just isn't that nice to you ever and then
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on top of it, he's doing a bad job wiping, the counter, you're
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going to be extremely mad and you're going to probably pin it
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on the counter which is what's right in front of you.
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And then you're going to say oh this is why I have to wipe down
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the counter whereas if you felt happy, You're about the marriage
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overall. You may say, oh, I guess he
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doesn't do it the way I like it. So I can either let him do it.
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How he does it, or I could do it, how I do it one or the
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other, and it wouldn't become such a power stroke.
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So to summarize here, if you are over function, ER, and you find
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yourself not just in your marriage, but if you're honest
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with yourself, in many situations, doing more than your
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share feeling obliged to do, Things that other people don't
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seem to feel obliged to do. Then it is really important to
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take a step back and look very objectively about what could
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have led to this Dynamic and this sort of way of functioning
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in the world. It is very likely that you saw a
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parent that you are subconsciously emulating,
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somebody else who felt that their job was never done.
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No. Rest for the weary I have to do
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everything around here, martyred type Person.
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If you can recognize this, it is likely that you really didn't
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like being around that person when they were in one of their
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martyred modes and you made use that as motivation for not
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acting like that yourself. Similarly, it could be rooted in
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low self-esteem feeling, like all that you have to offer is
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doing a bang-up job on whatever the assigned project is and
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because you don't really feel that great about yourself
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overall, it's a person or Your looks or your personality, or
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whatever else. If this is you therapy can
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really help with increasing your self-worth and your ability to
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look at yourself objectively rather than negatively.
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And if you look at yourself with more self compassion, then you
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may get off the hamster wheel and stop the cycle of over
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functioning and then complaining about other people under
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functioning because this never ends up going.
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Well, you may be doing It with your spouse now.
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But then, as your children, get older, you will be complaining
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and moaning about cleaning their rooms while saying that they
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couldn't possibly clean up their own rooms for the reason that
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again, two things you secretly wanted on your way, and you even
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more secretly and subconsciously feel that this is kind of an
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estimate of how good you are. As a wife mother, Homemaker
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husband, provider, far, father worker, whatever it is.
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And this is your lot in life is to just do and do and do and
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work and work and work that should not be anybody's lot in
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life. What could you do with all of
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the time you would have if you stopped straightening the
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clothes on the hanger and sweeping 15 times more than
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anybody else would or whatever else it is.
17:25
Could the children make their own lunches how much laundry
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would I have to leave in the hamper before your spouse run
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out of clothes and had to do their own laundry.
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These are philosophical questions that an over
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functional. Needs to ask themselves now,
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again, I am not saying that they're the other partner, the
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under function, ER, doesn't have their part.
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The under function are frequently, just finds it easier
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to avoid any sort of conflict and avoid any sort of
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self-assertion. They are almost pathologically
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conflict avoidant. And instead of saying, hey, I am
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I am going to get up with the baby.
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Let me do it on in my way though.
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They'll just say. Oh yeah yeah you're right you're
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right. I don't know what I would do
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without you. That doesn't mean that they
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really don't know what they would do without you.
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That means that they really don't know what they would do if
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they had to get into a fight right now and they don't want to
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think about it. So this person is pathologically
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conflict avoidant and you may be anxious and pathologically over
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functioning. So this combination can lead to
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A marriage where two people feel very very distant.
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And if it happens at work, it can make you feel resentful
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there, too. If it happens with the kids, it
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can make you feel resentful, towards your kids.
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I mean, it really makes you feel resentful whenever you are
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trapped in this Dynamic of doing, more than the other
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person and not knowing how to escape, obviously, from what I'm
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talking about, you can see that over functioning has a very high
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overlap with generalized anxiety.
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So, if you're somebody who worries about every little
18:58
Nothing and worries about everything going wrong.
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Then the illusion of control that anxious people like means
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that if you do everything in exactly the way that you want to
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do it then somehow the illusion that you have is that then
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things will go well and you can prevent bad outcomes.
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So if you pack the children's lunch, is exactly the way that
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you think you should, then this will somehow save the children
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from some bad outcomes such as having a sandwich.
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They don't like or having to Really.
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That's it. Having a sandwich.
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They don't like you know, and if you are somebody who this
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resonates for think about it, think about whether you would
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classify yourself as an anxious person, it's always a good good
19:42
idea to just Google some of these DSM diagnosis and see if a
19:47
kind of fits with medical things, you know.
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It's like you get a little lump and you Google it and you feel
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like you're about to die tomorrow.
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That's probably not a good idea. But with DSM diagnosis, see if
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it fits Contact a therapist and say, from what I saw.
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I think I have anxiety. What do you think?
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I mean, obviously, your self diagnosis should not be the be
20:07
all and end all but can give you a little bit of a window into
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what you're dealing with here. And if you have constant
20:15
worries, that interfere with daily life which is really the
20:18
Hallmark of generalized, anxiety disorder.
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Then you know, that that's not something that you deserve to
20:23
live with there's treatment for that, it's super responsive to
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therapy and the Of origin issues that are the other, you know,
20:32
contributor to over functioning. Those can be processed and
20:36
worked through as well, such that you can learn other
20:39
templates for engaging in Intimate Relationships that
20:42
leave you less, exhausted, harried, resentful and bitter.
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Alright, so I hope that you learned a lot from this about
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over and under functioning. And you have some kind of ideas
20:56
about how this Arts, how it perpetuates itself and other
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overlapping issues such as undiagnosed anxiety.
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If this describes you and your partner because I could say you
21:11
and your co-workers, what? They're not going to listen to
21:13
this podcast, you got better luck with your spouse, then
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listen to this and discuss it discuss, both of your
21:20
contributions to this imbalance in work.
21:26
It's always takes two to tango in marital issues.
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So if you like this podcast and if you found it informative,
21:34
please subscribe. Please follow me at dr.
21:36
Psych mom.com. And reach out with other
21:41
suggestions about topics that you would like to hear me cover.
21:44
Thanks guys, bye.