Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Why Do People Increasingly Hate Aging More And More? For My Sociology Fans

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Why Do People Increasingly Hate Aging More And More? For My Sociology Fans · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the doctor.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today, I'm going to be talking about why my
• 0:10
  clients increasingly hate aging more now than they did years ago
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  and accounting for you know, that I've been working with kind
• 0:19
  of similar age groups, obviously had I only used to work with 20
• 0:22
  year olds and now I work with 40 year olds, it would be largely
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  irrelevant but 20 year olds. Don't come into therapy.
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  At least not couples counseling as much as older people and so
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  have Noticed that over time. People have seemed to get worse
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  and worse about accepting agent and we will talk about why.
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  Just as soon as I tell you to subscribe, there's over 125
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  something episodes that you can get only if you're a subscriber,
• 0:51
  that's five ninety-nine a month and it's the best money that
• 0:55
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  pretty good money. Okay.
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  So anyway, moving on. So there are so Variables here
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  and I relate them all to our larger society.
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  So people used to not nobody's to like aging, right?
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  But it was like known like you would just get older and then
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  you would be at a different stage of life and, you know, so
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  women would kind of cut their hair to signify that they were
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  older. Remember when all older woman
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  needs to have like the same haircut that was when we were
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  little and, you know, they didn't have sex as much and that
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  was just what it was and really, yes, men could be lonely, but it
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  wasn't like It wasn't the end of the world even just 10 years
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  ago, the same way as it is. Now the way that it feels to men
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  in their 40s, when they are not having as much sex as they want
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  or men in their 50s to what do I attribute this in my own
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  hypotheses? My own ideas.
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  There are many reasons, one of them is the ubiquity of internet
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  porn and I know I say this a lot, so it's not just internet
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  porn though. It's also intimacy porn, which
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  was my phrase, and you have a podcast about that.
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  So even just like going. On Instagram or on Facebook or
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  anywhere Tick-Tock, of course you see, these like couples that
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  are still supposedly having sex and it isn't even porn.
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  So, the guys that are being like, quote, good and staying
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  away from porn, you should certainly like read and listen
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  to everything that I've written on that.
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  Poor news, could be pretty bad for marriages especially if you
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  are already unhappy with your sex life, it is not the outlet
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  that you think frequently at can metastasize into really a cancer
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  for your marriage. And if you have any addictive
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  Tendencies, it's no good. But anyway, it's not only porn.
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  Some guys aren't even watching porn, but then they watch social
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  media and social media makes you think that everybody's in these
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  happy marriages. We're as like a man's primary
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  primary source of social, you know, interaction used to be
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  actually hanging out with other dudes and if you go like bowling
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  league with other guys, they weren't sitting there talking
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  about how much they got laid. That's like just really not
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  something that would happen. You know, because people don't
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  talk about the intimate details of their married sex lives,
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  especially men, don't with other men.
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  So, you'd go out and you would socialize, which is releasing of
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  dopamine. Anyway, and you know, you would
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  think we're probably all probably in the same boat no
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  matter what our boat is. However, now people do not
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  socialize as much. So this is a kind of a
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  sociological level variable. People don't socialize as much
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  in person and instead, they convince themselves that social
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  media catching up with friends on social Yeah.
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  Is the equivalent in our busy lives.
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  And why are they so busy? I'll get to that next but so,
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  but you're not only catching up with friends on social media.
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  Of course, you're also looking at strangers.
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  So the friends are bad enough because they're only posting the
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  pictures and videos of like how happy they are.
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  They're not really happy, you know?
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  I mean, some of them are but they're not all really happy.
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  And but then you also see strangers who are like literally
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  content creators that are producing, you know, this.
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  Content of happy couples like guys making their wives laugh.
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  This guy is a whole fucking account of him just telling
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  jokes and his pretty wife, just laughing and like, oh my God,
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  that's worse for guys than seeing YouTube videos of
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  blowjobs, holy shit, you know, so you think that this woman and
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  her ilk exist out in the natural world and you're like, the only
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  one that is the fool that is with your dick in your hand, you
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  know, like twice a week because your wife only want sex once a
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  week and that's not true kind of many people.
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  In the same boat of feel like that midlife is a lull, you
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  know, in terms of excitement. But it didn't used to feel so
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  isolating. When you weren't bombarded with
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  these curated images and videos of of perfection in the
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  relationships fear, whether it's people that, you know, or people
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  that you don't now why is everybody so busy that?
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  They can't go out anymore. They can't hang out.
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  The can't do their bowling leagues at everything.
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  Well, obviously many sociological sociologists have
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  written about this, right? There's literally a book Bowling
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  alone. So this is hardly original.
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  It was probably written 30 years ago, it's even less original.
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  But the point that I see the impactful variable that I see
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  primarily is child-centered marriages.
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  So instead like a parents, don't socialize themselves.
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  If they do, they bring the kids even to the party that they go
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  to. But most parents do not
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  socialize with other adults, except at like the kids team
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  events or something like that. If the kid has Sports and the
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  kids extracurricular, Just totally rule everything doing
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  homework with the kid and then doing the extracurriculars with
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  the kid and then feeding the kid and then all of this the child's
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  sports or music or whatever it holds, you know, it's a tyrant
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  over the rest of the family's routine.
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  So, most people don't really get to go out or they tell
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  themselves that they cannot socialize with other adults that
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  much, because they're always supposed to be with the family
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  and with the children. So there's more isolation now in
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  terms of being able to socialize with other adults and that old
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  makes people upset, you know, it makes them more depressed.
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  But it also makes them turn more to social media as their primary
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  way to socialize, which has its attendant risks for self
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  comparison as I just previously discussed.
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  Now, the child centeredness of the marriages has another main
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  effect on this lack of acceptance of agent, which is
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  that as soon as your kid is born, basically, until they're
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  it, Least 18, if not older because of how many kids are
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  living at home, refusing to get licenses Etc, don't even drive
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  themselves places. You know?
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  Like it's um, it's basically like your life is on Ice, you
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  know, or can be this isn't everybody.
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  Obviously, but in a worst-case scenario particularly from more
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  anxious people that are more child-centered, it really feels
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  like you're a midlife years are just kind of sacrificed
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  completely to career and children in a way.
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  That, you know, they were not as sacrificed as completely in
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  Prior Generations. When parents were not so
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  child-centered. My favorite statistic is the
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  study that of course I mean I can't cite it.
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  Now you can look it up that said that working mothers now spend
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  more time, more one-on-one time with their kids, then
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  stay-at-home mothers did in the 50s or the 60s or something.
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  I mean, that's crazy, right? Kids used to all go outside do
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  their own thing now. So a one-on-one time all
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  enrichment, I'm all special talking to Mommy and Daddy and
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  Dating your feelings time which is nice in certain regards and
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  in certain regards that gets to be excessive and sacrificial on
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  behalf of the parents who have nothing, but the best intentions
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  and want to rectify the, you know, ills of their own
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  childhood. But yet when all of this
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  coalesces, you end up with people who spend basically like
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  most of their 30s and 40s not living for themselves at all.
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  So then if you're going to tell them which is only the truth
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  that in your 50s you get old, you know?
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  I mean that should happen. So you go through menopause, you
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  go into a different stage men do to ya.
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  A 50 year old man, do not look like a 30 year old man.
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  That is just the case. And no animal doesn't look
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  different, 20 years down the line, right?
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  I mean that just isn't a thing. Like tortoises, you know, who's
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  gonna be a 70 year old tortoise going to look different than a
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  90, year-old toward us or whatever?
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  The longest living reptile is. So the point is is if you have
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  sacrificed so much of your life for your kids, not Is not gone
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  out been kind of, you know, miserable looking at your phone
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  and, you know, compulsively vacillating between looking at
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  the intimacy porn stuff and how to better.
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  Help your child Express their emotions, then you are going to
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  feel like that time was, you know, not time you were living
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  for yourself. And when, and if, and when your
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  children finally do, leave the house, you're going to feel like
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  you wish that you had back some of that time where you felt
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  different, where you were younger, where you had more
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  energy. So if you have them Money and
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  the time for it, a lot of people go immediately into some sort of
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  self-improvement program whether that is the gym CrossFit will
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  you know go to the doctor, for Homeowner hormone replacement
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  therapy. Cool, whatever works.
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  However you're still not 20 years younger so when issues
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  crop up related to not being 20 years younger, then people are
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  shocked. Angry and frequently blame the
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  partner which is the entire point of why I see this and
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  view. An issue.
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  So at that juncture is when men say things like well why is it?
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  My wife trying harder to basically be more like she was
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  when she was 30 years old. You know, people don't say this
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  about any other stage of life. Like people aren't like, why did
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  that teenager become more serious minded.
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  That's terrible. Why aren't they just trying
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  harder to hang on to adolescence?
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  Nobody says that because it's crazy and because it's thought
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  to be positive that a 25 year old would you know, show up for
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  work every day. In the way that a
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  fifteen-year-old wouldn't and a 35 year old even more.
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  So would be even more serious minded and into their career and
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  less likely to, you know, not coming to work because they were
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  smoking up all night, right? And that's considered to be
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  good. But then what about when we get
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  further on will then people get different to they keep on,
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  maturing their priorities shift, their value, shift, their
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  energy, level shift all of it shifts because they're growing
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  and they're evolving into the next stage of life.
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  This mean, of course, that's still ubiquitous question
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  unfailingly that will be asked, is, does that mean that my
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  postmenopausal wife own have sex with me?
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  Of course, I mean, I don't know, like, I mean, is she having sex
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  with you? Like, I mean, I'm not in charge
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  of that, unless you are seeing me directly for a couples
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  counseling where I can try to make Headway, but it will not
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  come without empathy on both sides and empathy for this
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  perspective just as a warning, right?
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  So, of course, I also have my menopause podcast but the point
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  is yes you can. Can still have sex and you can
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  still have an enjoyable life when you are older but it's not
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  going to look like when you were 30 when you're 50.
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  Yes, you have more money. Yes, you have more time.
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  Is it fair that? Then that money in that time
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  does not translate into being able to basically live like a
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  wealthier version of who you were when you were 30 is not
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  fair, I guess, but it is only normal and natural and the more
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  that we run away from like understanding aging, the more
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  that people Tend to have problems, they tend to get angry
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  depressed and have marital problems.
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  So what is the answer is the answer.
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  Then you say, all right. Well, then should I just never
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  exercise and, you know, like my my potential listener here that
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  I always say, you know, the you that I'm saying is always like
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  this, total asshole Devil's Advocate, but I do get a lot of
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  emails like that. So if I did get such an email,
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  it would say that. Are you saying that, you know,
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  we should all just get wrinkly and die.
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  Well, you know there there's a lot of AIDS of gray a person can
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  exercise in a person can learn about sex at midlife without
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  trying to be, you know, a completely different rlier stage
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  version of themselves. And they actually are, we can
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  balance acceptance as and change, which is, as I've said,
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  in previous podcast, about aging, when DBT is really about.
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  So DBT, dialectical behavior therapy by Marsha Linehan
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  originally made for borderline personality disorder.
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  It, balances the dialectic between Upton's and change.
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  And that is what people really need to do in order to move in a
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  healthy way into midlife. Yes, there were some losses, you
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  know, of course, you will do. You wish that you were still 30
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  years old in some ways? Yes.
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  Hopefully in some ways know. Hopefully, in some ways you've
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  gained a more wisdom and life experience, and you've raised
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  your children, Etc. But if not, if there have been
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  more losses and regrets, then you can only see who you are.
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  Now, truly objectively, And try to move on from there, but when
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  people try to recapture an earlier phase, like go out,
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  partying, like they used to and try to drag their wife, or their
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  husband, or whatever, along with them as though somebody who's
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  like 55 isn't gonna want to go to bed earlier than somebody
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  who's 25. I mean, it just doesn't make any
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  sense. So the most conflict that I see
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  is when neither party can validate the others perspective,
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  such that, let's say it's the woman who is more in the idea
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  that we are older now. So, Hand it to the man, you
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  know. But if the woman is like, well
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  listen, I am just in a different stage of life.
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  I just don't find sex as important now, you know, I'll
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  try but like it's not going to be like it used to.
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  Well, the the man says, man, I see that.
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  Like, good, good point. I see that and I would still
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  appreciate us trying, you know, to be close like once a week,
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  you know, to be intimate, that goes a lot better than the guys
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  who are. Like, why not, why not?
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  Why do you always think inside the box?
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  I know. Oh, you know the people live
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  down the street, right? I mean shit that woman's out
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  running eight hours a day and I mean she's a year older than
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  you. That's not gonna go.
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  Well and similarly it's not going to go well for the woman
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  to say to the man, I have no idea why you want to be younger.
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  Why you? Why you think that we should
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  still act like that? That's totally crazy.
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  I've never in my life, had any idea at all that?
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  I wish that I was anything different from what I am because
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  you know, humans have stages, no of First people wish that they
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  still had the energy and the drive, and the intensity in some
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  ways of the sex drive and whatever of a younger person,
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  that's totally normal. So to say, you know what, I get
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  you and sometimes I feel bad too.
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  At this stage, I feel like, you know, it's a little bit much
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  multiple have sex multiple times a week, it hurts etcetera.
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  I am willing to try other things, I'm willing to, you
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  know, to do a little bit more than I'm doing.
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  And I certainly hear you that it can be disappointing because I
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  feel disappointed. Pointed in our aging bodies, in
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  various ways to, so any sort of empathy and validation is going
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  to do so much better with your partner in this regard.
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  Then just stick it in your own lane.
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  And, of course this transcends, this topic and it's for
• 15:18
  basically, every topic empathy and validation.
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  Go better than kind of just staying in your own lane and
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  beating on your own drum about your own ideas.
• 15:26
  All right. Well, I hope you guys found this
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  interesting. Of course, we have some
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  sociology in it but also as per usual trying to make it more, Or
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  applicable to some of the common couple dynamics that I work with
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  and I'll talk to you soon. Have a great day.