Latest / SECOND CLOCK™ / SEASON 6 | EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE // REVISITED

Transcript

SEASON 6 | EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE // REVISITED · SECOND CLOCK™

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  I've heard it said that people can change, but only if they
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  want to. So what would it take for you to
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  try it? Change the way you think, feel,
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  relate and experience situations.
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  For me, I wanted to find the truth and little by little I did
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  become different and old conditionings gone.
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  Then I set a new course. I refer to that as the second
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  clock. Join me, click follow, like and
• 0:29
  subscribe and let's see where this leads.
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  Emotionally unavailable. Oh my goodness, another one of
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  these buzzwords. But I think it explains it best.
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  Somebody that is not available emotionally.
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  And The funny thing about this is it's not just one type of
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  person that is emotionally unavailable, like a psychopath
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  or somebody that's void of being able to be vulnerable.
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  It can be anyone, even somebody that does access their feelings
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  deeply but just is not at a place in their life where they
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  can be there for somebody. Now, I say this from experience.
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  I have been emotionally unavailable.
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  I was called out by a guy once. He said I'm offering you exactly
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  what you say you want, but in actuality what you've been doing
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  recently doesn't support what you say you want.
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  Maybe you're just looking for casual because all the people
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  you seem to get involved with are emotionally unavailable,
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  which leads me to believe that you are too.
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  When he first told me that, I thought, Nope, you're wrong, not
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  this girl. I've read what emotionally
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  unavailable people are like. They can't express themselves.
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  They can't let people in. I can do all those things.
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  But then I dug a little deeper and I realized maybe.
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  And then yes, it's true, but it wasn't going to be true forever.
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  It was a situational thing, a moment in time where I needed to
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  figure things out at my pace, and it didn't matter who was in
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  front of me and what opportunities they were
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  presenting. My mindset wasn't there and I
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  wasn't receptive or open to any of it.
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  So you might be wondering why I'm talking about this, given
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  that this season is not about dating.
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  But I do talk a lot about awareness, and I think knowing
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  if you are emotionally available or dating someone that is not
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  emotionally available is important.
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  And it goes back to being aware. Because after all, we can't
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  change things or change how people feel or don't want to
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  feel at that moment. But we can at least know where
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  we stand or what we're going through actually.
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  So I started thinking about this because a friend of mine and I
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  were catching up. She was telling me about life in
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  general and what she's been up to.
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  And of course the conversation shifted to who she was dating.
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  So when we were speaking, she said so I was in this
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  relationship with this guy and it's over now.
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  It was short lived, but something about it was
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  different. I felt like I saw my future with
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  him. I felt like I could have
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  something with him, but there was something standing in the
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  way of that. Actually, it wasn't a something,
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  it was a someone. It was his ex.
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  He wasn't over her and I figured that out and I couldn't stay
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  with him. All of that sounded well and
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  good. I thought the conversation was
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  done, but little by little, she kept weaving in stories about
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  him. And I realized, oh, this is not
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  resolved. There's some hidden attachments
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  here. She would say, well, I went on a
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  date with this guy. But you know what's funny about
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  that other guy? I really just think he should
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  have made a go for it. We could have had a real
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  relationship. I just saw things different with
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  him. And as she was speaking about
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  this topic, I started to think that the more she kept talking,
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  the less I wanted to hear. All I could think of is that
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  this beautiful girl wanted somebody that didn't want her,
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  somebody that wasn't capable of choosing her, someone that
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  wasn't over somebody, somebody that should never have even
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  tried to be in a relationship because what he introduced into
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  this girl's life was confusion. Then she would keep talking
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  about something else and inevitably the conversation
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  would go back. So this guy, I think that if he
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  could just get over his ex, we could be together.
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  But the reality is nobody likes him.
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  And that's when I realized they were in a loop.
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  He was emotionally unavailable. And he was letting her know that
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  by talking about his ex and by talking about how he liked his
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  ex and how he was not over his ex, he was making it very clear
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  that he did not have room in his life for a real committed
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  relationship. But yeah, there he was,
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  pretending to be in a relationship with her.
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  And by her keeping him in her life, she was effectively
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  holding space. And that meant there wasn't
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  space for a real relationship to form with somebody that actually
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  was available for a relationship.
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  This entire situation that she found herself in made her
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  emotionally unavailable, just like him.
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  But at the time, I didn't say anything.
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  I just sat there. I realized that what she was
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  going through was something that she needed to figure out on her
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  own. It's also not that easy to tell
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  somebody that they're emotionally unavailable or that
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  she has to question why it is that you would ever want
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  somebody that doesn't completely want her, or somebody that's
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  letting her know that he's not choosing her, or that he really
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  just wants to choose his ex-girlfriend who doesn't want
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  him. All of that is very confusing,
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  and as I talk, it sounds like spoken spaghetti, but some of
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  these relationships are like that.
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  They're messy. And the more that they're messy,
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  the more that person thinks that their situation is special,
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  nuanced, different than others. But I venture to say that those
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  situations are not that different.
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  Most people have relationships that get messy.
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  One person wants something, an outcome where they share the
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  future with somebody. And the other person is silently
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  retreating. And little by little, they're
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  leaving the relationship, but they're just not saying it with
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  words. Instead, they're letting their
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  actions speak. That is so tough, and I think
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  for most people who have been in relationships, they've been the
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  silent retreater and they've been the person that holds out
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  hope for the fantasy future that the other person has already let
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  go of or never wanted in the 1st place.
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  But like so many people, it's not easy to say the truth.
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  It's not easy to tell somebody that you know loves you, that
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  you're just not that into them, or that you don't see your life
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  with this person. Sometimes it's easier to just
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  say nothing and let them figure it out the hard way.
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  Let them plea, beg, cry, even fight with you just so that you
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  don't have to say you know what, you're not right.
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  It isn't that easy. Because if I wanted to, I would.
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  I would do all the things you say.
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  I would make that giant leap. I would forget about my ex.
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  I would divorce my spouse. I would move cross country for
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  you. All of those things, they're
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  easy if somebody wants to do them, and they're impossible if
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  somebody doesn't. But for the person holding on,
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  it's hard to see it. It's hard to see things so black
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  and white like they usually are, even though a lot of people like
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  to mix in Gray. For a relationship to work, it
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  takes two people both putting in effort, both trying, both making
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  strides towards each other in a shared direction.
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  So while my friend was talking, I remember that she said she was
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  out there dating again. And then I thought about those
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  guys. What are they experiencing?
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  Who are they experiencing when they're with her?
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  Because inevitably for you to go out on a date, you have to let
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  somebody believe that you want to be there, that you're open to
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  dating, open to a relationship potentially happening.
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  And if you're not not over that person and you're bringing that
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  phantom relationship or the holding out hope relationship to
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  a table when you're on a date, well, then you're misleading
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  people. You're confusing people, you're
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  sending mixed messages. And none of that is good, easy,
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  or fair. But what do you do when you
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  break up with someone? Maybe you break up with them
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  because they broke up with you, or it wasn't working and you
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  didn't have a choice but to let go, but you're still not over
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  that person. Maybe you're holding on to a lot
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  of resentment and you can't shake it.
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  Or maybe the person you have to get over is someone you were in
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  love with, but they just didn't love you enough to meet you
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  where you were asking them to meet you.
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  And you have to accept that fact and the reality that your
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  reality is going to look different than you thought it
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  was going to. How do you get back out there
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  when you're carrying that that hidden attachment?
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  How do you bring an honest self to a table when you meet someone
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  else? A new perspective.
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  Well, I don't think a lot of people do that.
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  I don't think a lot of people even consider these things.
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  They just consider what people say to them.
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  You've all heard the expression if you want to get over
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  somebody, get under somebody, get distracted, but I'm not so
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  sure about that. I'm not so sure if that's fair
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  to anybody. On the one hand, you have
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  somebody that's hopefully optimistic and on the other hand
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  you have somebody that's going in saying, I mean, why not?
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  I'll give it a shot. Maybe this person's going to be
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  interesting. At least I'm getting out there.
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  Or maybe after this date I can go back and tell my ex, look,
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  I'm dating again, and maybe then they'll want me back.
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  Maybe that'll do the trick. So yeah, emotionally unavailable
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  people, they're complicated, mainly because they don't know
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  that they are emotionally unavailable.
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  As I said, I didn't know when I was, and I wasn't emotionally
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  unavailable because I was holding out hope for somebody.
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  I was emotionally unavailable because of things that had
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  happened to me, situations that I guess I hadn't reconciled
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  internally yet. And when it came to dating, I
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  just jumped in. I didn't give myself a chance to
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  think, how do you want to experience life differently?
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  What are you looking for? What are you not looking for?
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  What do you need to get over? I guess I never stopped to think
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  about any of these things. I never really thought about
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  what it is that I actually wanted, and I see that now.
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  I see that I wasn't ready to sign up for whatever I thought I
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  was signing up for when I checked a little box on a dating
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  app that said looking for a long term relationship.
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  But I recognize this now. I decided to take some of these
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  anecdotes and put them into Chachi BT and see what Chachi BT
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  says about emotionally unavailable people and how to
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  detect them when you're on a date.
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  So if you're somebody out there that is looking to be with
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  someone, are there actually signs that you can look for?
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  So here are my findings. They talk about the past in the
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  present tense. The example was when we're doing
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  this or she's always when referring to their ex.
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  If the past relationship is still emotionally alive in their
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  words, then they're not there with you.
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  I found that easy to digest and remember.
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  Or the person has a strong reaction to their ex.
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  When they mention them, they become defensive, bitter, or
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  they romanticize their X. So that means that there's
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  unfinished business there because that X still elicits an
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  emotional charge. And then there's obvious signs
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  that people have experienced one way or another and have left us
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  really confused. They say they're interested, but
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  they send mixed messages. They're hot one minute, vague or
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  unavailable the next. They push or pull and it's as
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  though part of them wants a connection but the other part is
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  still not there with you. Or they hang on to their
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  excuses. If only he would break up with
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  this person. If only he could get over his
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  ex. And then that means that their
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  happiness is depending on somebody else's choices so that
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  they're not free to choose you. And the most obvious one is
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  their actions and words don't match.
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  They say they're ready, but they take no steps to building
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  anything stable with you. So the divide that's forming is
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  between language and behavior, and that's the clearest sign.
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  I love learning those because I think we all know them.
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  I think instinctually we can all tell when somebody's not present
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  with us, but we want so badly to believe that what they're saying
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  to us is actually based on facts.
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  But the reality is nobody actually knows what the other
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  person is thinking. People can say one thing and
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  really be thinking another. People can do one thing and be
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  saying another, and for some people they don't even feel at
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  all. So doing or saying things
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  doesn't even affect them because for them it's all sport.
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  But for those of us who are not looking to carry old
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  relationships into new ones, we have to become aware of this.
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  Because if you do try to go into a new relationship and you bring
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  all that unresolved stuff with you, it's like bringing ghosts
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  to the table. The ghost of a past relationship
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  that we're still holding on to. Holding on to all the things we
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  wish could have happened, should have happened if only the other
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  person wanted them to, or things we haven't gotten over, or the
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  things we never wanted to have end.
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  Because when you hold on to things and you don't get over
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  them, then in new relationships they don't have a shot because
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  you bring a long comparison and that steals potential.
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  And then it leaves us emotionally unavailable,
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  unavailable to try. I think what I learned from just
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  hearing people's conversations, understanding that hope is a
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  real hindrance at times because we wish so hard that we hear
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  things that aren't being said. And when somebody is pulling
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  away, it can be tough for so many reasons.
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  One, it's the obvious ego hit and it's all the things you
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  thought were coming true that aren't falling into place like
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  you thought they would. But then comes awareness or the
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  lack of awareness that you have for a situation and for your
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  role in things. To make real changes in our
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  lives, we need to be aware of this.
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  Aware of the things that are happening that maybe we don't
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  see right away. Like someone being inconsistent
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  or seeing their negative patterns emerge that we wish we
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  didn't see. We wish we didn't have to accept
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  like people pulling away, like us not being over, people that
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  have pulled away, like relationships not working out
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  the way we wish they could have. But when we don't make those
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  conscious efforts to change, we're held back.
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  And if we want to really move that ball forward, we have to
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  get out of our way. We have to welcome in awareness,
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  welcome in the truth, and accept the ego hits when they come.
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  Give yourself a little time to lick your wounds and move on
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  because nobody should accept somebody that doesn't want to be
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  with them fully. You don't want somebody that's
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  half in, half out because they're not over somebody or
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  something that happened to them or they don't know how to relate
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  the way you need them to relate to you.
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  I guess I'm saying that you don't need to settle for
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  somebody that is unable to, unwilling to, or not ready to
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  choose you. And you don't want to be the
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  person either that has their head buried in the sand, not
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  seeing or hearing what's going on around them, not willing to
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  accept what somebody's done and how somebody else has moved on.
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  And maybe now it's your turn to do the same.
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  So while those people are choosing their past or staying
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  in it, you don't need to because there's somebody that you can
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  choose and that's you. Thanks for listening.
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  These episodes are unscripted. They're my free flowing thoughts
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  as I reflect back on past conversations, experiences, what
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  I've learned, would like to do better and what's next.
• 17:39
  Join me on Thursdays for new episodes and catch up on past
• 17:42
  episodes. Click Follow, Like and subscribe
• 17:46
  and let's see where this leads.