Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / You Are BOTH Slaves To Your Hormones!

Transcript

You Are BOTH Slaves To Your Hormones! · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:06
  Hi everybody. And welcome to the doctors.
• 0:08
  Psych mom show. Today we're going to be talking
• 0:10
  about how both men and women are really slaves to their hormones
• 0:14
  and men. Get a bad rap for this when
• 0:16
  women are possibly even worse because there's more variation.
• 0:20
  So we will discuss that. As soon as I do tell you to
• 0:23
  subscribe, my most recent subscriber episode was about how
• 0:27
  you may be replicating, your parents marriage and not even
• 0:30
  know it. And if you have not examined,
• 0:32
  that idea then your really ought to because It is kind of the the
• 0:36
  premise of all of therapy is kind of seeing patterns and
• 0:40
  seeing where you learn stuff. And so it could be a real useful
• 0:45
  episode for you. If you've really minimize the
• 0:48
  impact of learning in your life and most people don't minimize
• 0:53
  the impact of learning when it said like learning.
• 0:55
  But then they're like, oh my parents didn't impact me that
• 0:58
  much. Well yeah, really.
• 0:59
  I mean do you think you're not impacting your kids that much
• 1:01
  etc? Etc.
• 1:02
  So do subscribe and also do follow.
• 1:05
  Me on Facebook of over 40,000 followers.
• 1:08
  Now, I have a Facebook group for people that like, to talk about
• 1:12
  these sorts of issues. It's almost at 100 people and on
• 1:15
  Tick Tock, I just started to do lives there and Instagram.
• 1:19
  I do lots of lives and lots of videos stuff.
• 1:22
  So if you're more of a video type of person, I also have
• 1:24
  YouTube Etc. So do follow me on my platforms.
• 1:28
  Okay? So what are we really?
• 1:32
  What do women mean when they say that a man is acting like an
• 1:34
  animal Or he's like driven by his hormones or something, they
• 1:39
  mean to minimize the effect of his emotions and his deeper
• 1:44
  feelings and his his lofty. Ur self on like whether he wants
• 1:49
  to have sex but like women are. So susceptible to hormonal
• 1:54
  changes. I mean, if you are a woman and
• 1:57
  you don't think that then you've not really been paying
• 2:00
  attention, because unless you're on hormonal, e mediated birth.
• 2:03
  Control you You know, taking the pill then you really don't
• 2:08
  ovulate and menstruate in the same ways.
• 2:10
  So you don't have, you don't feel that variation and if
• 2:14
  you're very, very young, then you just kind of our how you
• 2:18
  are. But even let's say you are on
• 2:20
  birth control but you've at least been pregnant before, or
• 2:24
  nursing or aged you know, like from your 20s to your 30s or
• 2:29
  anything, had any change. Then it's so obvious that there
• 2:34
  is A big component of biology on sex drive, you know.
• 2:38
  And I mean for people to say that that this isn't real for
• 2:43
  women, it's just crazy. And over the course of the
• 2:46
  menstrual cycle, I point this out in numerous podcasts about
• 2:50
  and posts about ovulation and biology.
• 2:52
  I have one about female biology Across the Life Span over the
• 2:56
  course of your menstrual cycle. You basically want to have sex
• 2:59
  more and more and more from day one of your cycle, which is the
• 3:03
  first day of your period until Ovulation, which is around the
• 3:06
  14th day. These are averages, and then
• 3:09
  after you ovulate, your body can't make a baby, so it doesn't
• 3:12
  want to have sex. I mean, the reason that we're on
• 3:14
  this planet aside from whatever your spiritual leanings are the
• 3:19
  evolutionary reason we're on, this planet is to pass down our
• 3:21
  genetic material. That is the evolutionary reason
• 3:24
  behind it. And it's why we have sex drives
• 3:27
  when we do and why we want to have sex.
• 3:28
  When we do, women have no reason to want to have sex when they
• 3:32
  are not able to have a baby, you know, And that's why they
• 3:36
  frequently don't have sex drive after menopause because they
• 3:40
  cannot have a baby anymore. And of course there's other
• 3:44
  components and I'll talk about those but hormones are huge and
• 3:48
  anybody who's breastfed that basically has the impact on the
• 3:52
  body of menopause. Because again, your body
• 3:54
  shouldn't make a baby, a can get pregnant when you're
• 3:57
  breastfeeding, but it isn't a good idea because when you get
• 4:01
  pregnant, usually your milk supply goes down.
• 4:03
  So that isn't good for the Existing baby.
• 4:06
  So it's a very evolutionarily driven, right?
• 4:10
  So if you got four, if you're nursing a baby, then you get
• 4:13
  pregnant, this happened to me. Your, your milk dries up pretty
• 4:17
  much right away for a lot of women.
• 4:20
  And therefore if you don't have a formula because you're in a
• 4:24
  world before formula and you don't have a breast pump and
• 4:27
  frozen milk because you're in a world before that which is the
• 4:30
  world that we were, you know, evolutionarily created for then
• 4:34
  your baby dies. So, that's not good, right?
• 4:37
  So, your body doesn't want to necessarily to get pregnant
• 4:40
  while you're nursing. So, therefore, your sex drive
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  isn't. I, and your period doesn't even
• 4:44
  come back as long as your nursing overnight.
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  Usually, for a lot of women, they don't get their period
• 4:49
  until they stop with the overnight, feedings when they
• 4:51
  breastfeed why again, because I just told you why?
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  Because your body knows it has a very young baby that is nursing
• 4:58
  all night. So therefore, it really wouldn't
• 5:01
  be good for that baby. If you got pregnant again, So,
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  and it's the same thing. After you ovulate, it's like a
• 5:09
  microcosm of that, every single month.
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  If you're not on hormonal birth control, if you cannot have a
• 5:15
  baby because your egg is gone, your egg dropped.
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  There was no sperm to fertilize it, so you're not getting
• 5:20
  pregnant this month. So you're going to get your
• 5:22
  period, then what's the point of you having sex?
• 5:24
  There's no point evolutionarily biologically because you can get
• 5:29
  pregnant. So that's why most women.
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  If they are very attuned to their cycle they will see.
• 5:33
  They really Want sex in a couple days leading up to ovulation and
• 5:37
  then they really don't after that.
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  And they really really don't leading up to their period.
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  Although there is a the day right before your period.
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  There's like some hormonal Jumper, whatever that a that a
• 5:49
  lot of women do feel like they want to basically have every
• 5:53
  sensation so they want to eat a lot.
• 5:55
  They want to have sex. They want like a whole bunch of
• 5:57
  stuff like right away but this is you know like a fluke thing
• 6:02
  and some women don't wanna have sex at all the day before their
• 6:04
  period. But most women do when they
• 6:06
  ovulate, that's like, even the guys that come in and they're
• 6:08
  like, we only have sex once a month, I listened to your advice
• 6:11
  and I found out that it's when she ovulates, you know, I mean
• 6:13
  this is it's rare for a guy to be like we only have sex once a
• 6:17
  month and, you know, it's it's the date.
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  You know, the three days before her period know, is it three
• 6:22
  days before when she ovulate? So women are super hormonally
• 6:26
  driven. And what do I talk about all the
• 6:27
  time? The women's libido decrease with
• 6:30
  in monogamy and this is hormonally driven as well,
• 6:33
  because the the Graduation or limerence, stage lasts until you
• 6:38
  nurse and wean your baby. So it's like one and a half to
• 6:41
  three years. You meet the guy in theory and
• 6:45
  caveman times you get pregnant pretty soon.
• 6:47
  You're pregnant for like the nine months.
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  Then you nurse the baby for another year and then you don't
• 6:52
  need the guy anymore to increase.
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  The genetic diversity of the species would be ideal if then
• 6:56
  you moved on to a different map but people don't do that because
• 7:00
  of monogamy and all of our lofty ideas about being close and And
• 7:04
  being in love and everything that came post caveman times.
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  Although maybe they were in love to, I don't know, nobody does.
• 7:10
  So, the point here, is that the monogamy itself and the decrease
• 7:16
  in women's libido, after that is a figment of hormones and
• 7:20
  biology. So, is every way that you feel
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  over the course of your menstrual cycle and when nursing
• 7:25
  and when pregnant and after menopause.
• 7:29
  So and pre pre menarche, you know, I've been like this is why
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  kids don't Have a sex drive, you know, because there's no need.
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  They can't get pregnant. They get the pregnant one
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  another. So basically when you are your
• 7:42
  most young and fertile, you have your highest sex drive and
• 7:45
  that's how that goes. And as I've said, numerous
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  times, just as an aside because somebody's going to be like,
• 7:51
  I've lost, you know, that women in their 40s.
• 7:53
  No women in their forties are more confident but it's not like
• 7:56
  their bodies work better and have more orgasms unless it's,
• 8:01
  you know, cognitively mediated then a woman in her full Flush
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  of fertility, a younger woman. So, okay.
• 8:08
  So then what are the variables that can layer upon that?
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  Because of course, I'm not just telling you to have sex with
• 8:14
  your husband once a month when you're ovulating obviously not.
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  So I talked frequently about responsive desire.
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  Responsive desire. Is when you understand that
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  you're not going to just be feeling desire all the time.
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  It's super hormonal e driven, just like your husband has a
• 8:27
  whole bunch of testosterone, so he wants to have sex all the
• 8:30
  time. Okay.
• 8:31
  Cool. You don't.
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  So you don't want to have sex all the time.
• 8:34
  Your body does is wants to have sex once a month, when you would
• 8:37
  be able to make a baby, but yet you want to be in a relationship
• 8:41
  together, okay? So then, what are you going to
• 8:43
  do? Well, you can understand how
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  biology works on both ends and you can open yourself up to the
• 8:51
  idea of response of desire and putting yourself into a
• 8:53
  situation where you try to start having sex with, in a loving
• 8:59
  relationship. When the guy is like, being a
• 9:01
  good guy generally, you know, and not it.
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  If you hate him and want to leave him, you know, because
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  people say all this stuff like, well, how does responsive desire
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  work? If you're in an abusive
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  relationship, I'm not talking to people in abusive relationships,
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  you know? Like that.
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  Just is not what I want addressing.
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  I'm addressing people, the majority of the podcast
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  listeners are men trying to work on their relationship.
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  And I'm talking to people who are not in abusive
• 9:25
  relationships, who are in relationships, that struggle on
• 9:29
  both ends because both people are not perfect human beings and
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  so they have to actually Try to put some effort in to make their
• 9:36
  marriage work. IE the majority of married
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  couples right? So in this case a woman would
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  say. Yeah.
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  My hormones are not going to be helping me out at other times of
• 9:46
  the month, particularly in the latter half of my menstrual
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  cycle, bought to be a team player and to be close and
• 9:55
  romantic with somebody who is also trying on his end, I am
• 9:58
  going to try to open myself up to the idea of getting into the
• 10:02
  mood at times where my hormones are not helping.
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  Me out. And since, you know, I blame so
• 10:06
  much of my husband acting like an animal and just being driven
• 10:09
  by his dick and everything. Since I've said that he's so
• 10:11
  driven by hormones and everything.
• 10:13
  Maybe I could also say, man. I am too, you know, and I don't
• 10:17
  like that. You are so like, like so like
• 10:22
  the the guys horny all the time. Most women take that as they
• 10:27
  take it personally almost there. Like, well man doesn't even
• 10:29
  matter if we're getting along or not, because he's horny.
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  Well, you know what? When you're ovulating, it kind
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  of doesn't matter. After getting along or not.
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  Because a lot of couples, I see like every other week.
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  And that means that with some women that I see every other
• 10:43
  week I'm at ovulation and menstruation and I'll tell you
• 10:46
  every other time I see them, they act a lot happier with
• 10:49
  their husbands, like, literally because it's so biologically
• 10:53
  mediated. So the woman has the, the same
• 10:56
  Rose Colored Glasses that your husband has due to his
• 10:58
  testosterone the same as he doesn't give a shit if you're
• 11:01
  fighting and he'll still want to have sex.
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  That's what women have. Like once a month.
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  So, you know, like the non flattering way to look at it men
• 11:10
  like to say, oh, she's so irritable.
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  She's mad at me for everything when she's about to get her
• 11:13
  period, it doesn't have to do anything with me.
• 11:16
  The other way of looking at it, is your irritating all the time
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  but when she's ovulating, she has her rose colored glasses on
• 11:24
  and she doesn't mind. So, you know, it may be that as
• 11:27
  well. But the point being that when
• 11:30
  you're not helped out by The Rosy, Glow of ovulation, Shin
• 11:35
  then you still don't want to have no physical relationship
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  because that's not fair or or helpful to anything to the
• 11:42
  overall closeness of the relationship.
• 11:44
  And it's certainly not being a team player.
• 11:46
  So, in those cases is when you learn about responsive desire,
• 11:50
  meaning that you got to actually try to have sex to get in the
• 11:53
  mood. Does that always work?
• 11:55
  No. But for a lot of women if they
• 11:57
  start kissing and foreplay and the guys being romantic, then
• 12:00
  they will get in the mood because their bodies do respond.
• 12:04
  Everything isn't only due to hormones, but hormones have a
• 12:07
  huge impact. Our biological self has a huge
• 12:11
  impact. If if you don't think that as I
• 12:14
  mean, I don't know what to say. If you don't think it after like
• 12:17
  three hundred plus podcast episodes, but think about when
• 12:20
  you're sick, your body doesn't want to have sex when you're
• 12:22
  sick. Because if you win, you used it.
• 12:24
  When people used to get sick, you should be a lot worse.
• 12:27
  There was not penicillin there was not medication if you're
• 12:30
  about to die, why should you get pregnant, right?
• 12:33
  So you're not going to Any sex drive then plus your body needs
• 12:37
  all of its resources, not for having sex but forgetting you
• 12:41
  better. So most people do not have a sex
• 12:43
  drive when they have the flu and that's men and women.
• 12:46
  So yes, of course, biology massively impact, sex drive, you
• 12:51
  know. And this is, you know, by the
• 12:54
  way to all the men that think they're going to have the same
• 12:56
  sex drive with their 60th, they have now or that they have the
• 12:59
  same sex drive at 40 that they had a 20.
• 13:01
  No you don't you're an aging mammal.
• 13:04
  Just like your wife, but you have a hell of a lot more
• 13:06
  testosterone. So you got a more of a margin of
• 13:09
  error, but when if you were, let me tell you to the men that I
• 13:14
  deal with that come in in their 40s and 50s.
• 13:16
  They don't have as much of that Rosy Glow of testosterone that
• 13:19
  makes them want to have sex with their wives, no matter what.
• 13:21
  And I have a podcast on, you know, like basically like the
• 13:26
  men don't want to have sex with women even if they're hot, if
• 13:29
  the woman is also really annoying and their marriage
• 13:32
  sucks, and I don't remember what the title was.
• 13:34
  But Something like that and especially as men get older they
• 13:38
  don't have such a surfeit of testosterone that it can you
• 13:41
  know, blind them to the fact that they have like ongoing
• 13:44
  horrible marriages. And so that is one of the reason
• 13:48
  that men have quote low libido is there in like a real shitty
• 13:52
  marriage, you know, and when they were 20 they'd be able to
• 13:54
  get it up anyway but it's hard to get it up for somebody who
• 13:57
  hates you when you do not have like more testosterone than
• 14:01
  could kill a horse so you know Time Marches On Jean and affects
• 14:05
  everybody. So in the situation where you're
• 14:07
  both human mammals and you both have hormones and biological you
• 14:14
  know, impacts of them on your sex drive.
• 14:17
  What should you do? You should try empathy.
• 14:20
  And to understand one another's perspective to understand both
• 14:24
  biology and the other one's emotions and how they're feeling
• 14:27
  at any given moment, physically and emotionally would be the
• 14:29
  goal to be attuned to your partner and within that to try
• 14:34
  To get yourselves into the mood, for whatever you may not be in
• 14:38
  the mood for that, your partner liked.
• 14:39
  Whether that is sex or whether that's romance, you know?
• 14:43
  Because just as if a man said to me, you know, I don't really
• 14:46
  feel like it. I'm feeling the mood this month
• 14:49
  to go on date night. I feel like the fuck is I
• 14:52
  wasting your money? Talking to me, you got to be
• 14:54
  spit, you got to be doing the things I tell you to do.
• 14:56
  And one of them is her ass want to go on date night so I don't
• 14:59
  give a shit if you're in the mood to go on denied.
• 15:01
  Who cares, you know, like do it like maybe.
• 15:04
  That was The Missing Link. Maybe if you go on date night,
• 15:07
  like she's been begging you to do, then everything's gonna
• 15:09
  transform, you'll never know unless you try and it's the
• 15:12
  exact same thing for women that are like, I'm not in the mood to
• 15:15
  have sex like, okay, you know, what are you in the mood to do
• 15:19
  as a wife and a mother? Like, you know, is your whole
• 15:22
  day traipsing through like a meadow of flowers, probably not.
• 15:26
  But, you know, we do shit for those that we love and most of
• 15:30
  the time when you try, you get into the mood just in case He
• 15:34
  missed every single other thing I ever said on this topic, what
• 15:38
  happens if you try to get in the mood and you don't, and you
• 15:41
  really aren't in the mood, and you're really unhappy and you
• 15:44
  don't feel close, should you force yourself through a
• 15:47
  horrible Encounter of cold and meaningless sex that your body
• 15:52
  isn't responding to know? Oh my god.
• 15:54
  When have I said that what you should try to do as I've said
• 15:58
  Infinity X? Plus one now is to get yourself
• 16:01
  into the mood, if it fails it fails Tails.
• 16:04
  I don't know any guys who are going to be like, no, you're
• 16:07
  laying there saying. I have tried to kiss you for 10
• 16:10
  minutes or 20 minutes and it's not getting anywhere and I am
• 16:14
  exhausted. I want to go to sleep and
• 16:15
  they're going to be like, no, no way.
• 16:18
  I don't agree. We're having sex.
• 16:20
  I mean, know, most of the guys I talked to Kim barely even
• 16:24
  initiate with their wives are so terrified to be thought of as a
• 16:27
  creep, you know, or some sort of like, like horrible person.
• 16:32
  So yeah, what you got to do is Try the same thing as if your
• 16:36
  husband really tried to go on date night.
• 16:39
  And you know what, he just had this crazy fucking thing
• 16:42
  happening at work. And his phone is blowing up and
• 16:44
  it's his boss and he just cannot get into the mood of date night.
• 16:48
  Would you say? No, we have to like, you know,
• 16:50
  do the hundred date night questions from dr.
• 16:53
  Psych mom. Now, no, you wouldn't.
• 16:54
  You be like, okay, let's go home because anybody who's are, you
• 16:57
  know, empathic human being and a team player of any sort will
• 17:03
  understand There's a big difference between somebody who
• 17:06
  tries to get into the mood and can't and somebody who doesn't
• 17:09
  even try to get into the mood. You can be the person who tries
• 17:12
  to get into the mood. I can't, you know, like that's
• 17:15
  your only human, you know. Like it's like at least you
• 17:18
  tried, but don't be the person that doesn't try, right?
• 17:21
  And an especially don't be the person that minimizes the impact
• 17:24
  of biology. And therefore, doesn't
• 17:26
  understand that there are times when they will have to try the
• 17:28
  week before your period, it may be effortless.
• 17:31
  It's not because your husband is so uniquely Charming at that
• 17:34
  moment. It's because you got ovulation
• 17:36
  goggles on, you know, and the week afterwards.
• 17:38
  It's not like his personality, just deteriorated, so massively.
• 17:42
  He's the same, dude, it's just your body.
• 17:45
  Can't make a baby with him. So your body is like, hell, do I
• 17:47
  have to listen to your jokes for?
• 17:49
  I want to go watch my show, you know, but that's biology.
• 17:52
  So don't blame him for his biology because you got your own
• 17:55
  biology and it's very impactful, especially if you've never
• 17:59
  really thought about it before. It can be fairly transformative
• 18:02
  to go forward and track. Back the impact of where you are
• 18:06
  in your cycle, on your sex drive.
• 18:07
  And by the way, if you are on hormonal birth control, I am not
• 18:10
  a medical doctor. Go discuss this with your
• 18:13
  provider certainly, but you know, it has an impact on on sex
• 18:18
  drive and I've worked with many women that have gotten off birth
• 18:20
  control and it had a higher sex drive hormonal birth control.
• 18:24
  And so they have other forms of birth control, you know like all
• 18:28
  the other ones including vasectomy for the guy and
• 18:33
  they're happier. Because they actually have a sex
• 18:36
  drive, and they certainly have a sex drive one time out of the
• 18:38
  month, whereas before, they had a sex drive, no times out of the
• 18:42
  month. And guys don't even research
• 18:44
  this because like, if you say to a guy who's older than like, I
• 18:47
  don't know, 20, would you rather that your wife has the sex drive
• 18:51
  of, you know, the doorknob and you don't have to wear a condom
• 18:54
  or that your wife really wants it at least a week out of the
• 18:58
  month and you have to wear a condom.
• 19:01
  Most of them are going to be like condom or you know what?
• 19:04
  What? Vasectomy, sounding better and
• 19:06
  better. I didn't want any more kids
• 19:07
  anyway. So you know, there's all of
• 19:10
  these things and also, of course, all the side effects of
• 19:13
  your other medications that you take like antidepressants
• 19:16
  etcetera, I have a podcast, titled other reasons your libido
• 19:19
  may be low. So I discuss all of those there.
• 19:23
  But anyway, the tldr is biology matters for both men and women
• 19:29
  and I hope that you got something out of this and I'll
• 19:32
  talk to you all soon. Please do subscribe.
• 19:34
  Jibe subscriptions, make me motivated to keep on pumping out
• 19:37
  this awesome content. Alright bye guys.
• 19:40
  Have a good day.