Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / The Difference Between Boundaries And Ultimatums

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The Difference Between Boundaries And Ultimatums · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show, today, I'm going to be talking about the
• 0:10
  difference between boundaries and ultimatums and before we do
• 0:16
  that because I mean I could just not give you the topic sentence
• 0:21
  and and trust that you will just listen to my 30 seconds and or
• 0:26
  you could fast-forward it I guess and then pick up with the
• 0:29
  boundaries and ultimatums afterwards, but the next one
• 0:32
  coming up is about female arousal.
• 0:34
  Hazel. So hopefully you did not fast
• 0:36
  forward over. That, that is the next
• 0:38
  subscriber only episode and you'll like it.
• 0:41
  It will elucidate some of your potential sources of confusion,
• 0:48
  still about responsive vs. Spontaneous, desire and desire,
• 0:51
  and women versus men and monogamous women versus
• 0:55
  non-monogamous etcetera. All right, so you will like
• 0:59
  that, there's not much more, I can say that will make you
• 1:03
  subscribe besides to literally tell It's about female arousal,
• 1:06
  which will probably make you subscribe.
• 1:08
  All right? So moving on, boundaries versus
• 1:10
  ultimatums ultimatums, get a very bad rap yet.
• 1:13
  Research has shown interesting research on marriage has shown
• 1:17
  that when couples get through difficult things ultimatums are
• 1:22
  not an insignificant portion of the time attributed to why the
• 1:26
  couple got through it specifically.
• 1:28
  When men were struggling with substance abuse in this article
• 1:32
  that God knows I'm probably never going to be able to And
• 1:34
  again, but I do remember it. Many men said that a woman
• 1:38
  saying that she was going to leave.
• 1:39
  Got them actually to go to AA or what have you.
• 1:42
  And I'm sure many people can understand that, you know, you
• 1:45
  have to hit rock, bottom and Rock, Bottom is pretty much your
• 1:47
  wife saying, I'm going to leave you.
• 1:49
  So then why don't the natives get such a bad rap because
• 1:52
  they're thought of as manipulative, and they really
• 1:55
  shouldn't be, you know, because they're not any different than
• 1:59
  boundaries boundaries are saying.
• 2:01
  I need this thing. I am unwilling to Move on this
• 2:05
  thing and ultimatums are saying, I need this thing.
• 2:09
  I am unwilling to move on this thing.
• 2:10
  You see my point, they're the same thing.
• 2:14
  I mean, like boundaries are like really on Trend and everything
• 2:18
  that against the world to me times.
• 2:19
  I watch a reality show called the ultimatum now if you want to
• 2:22
  see some insecurely attached couples, man, you gotta watch
• 2:25
  that show the entire premise of the show, people are dragging in
• 2:29
  their spouse who didn't want to marry them.
• 2:31
  I mean, holy shit, right? I mean, like could You get any
• 2:35
  more insecurely attached, possibly not.
• 2:37
  So and and a couple that with the history out of
• 2:41
  personalities, of people who want to be on reality TV and
• 2:43
  it's, you know, interesting to put it mildly.
• 2:46
  So the point here is that boundaries are thought of as
• 2:50
  healthy ultimatums are thought of as not yet.
• 2:52
  They're really truly the same thing.
• 2:55
  The only Regard in which they are not is when they're fake.
• 2:58
  So a fake ultimatum is manipulative.
• 3:00
  It's bad. It's a woman saying if you go
• 3:02
  and to that Bachelor, Already in Vegas, I'm going to leave you.
• 3:07
  I like both of y'all know she's not gonna leave you so it was
• 3:10
  just like a way of her saying I am mad.
• 3:12
  I am anxious, I am scared but she's saying it in a way that is
• 3:16
  manipulative. So the guys probably going to go
• 3:18
  to Vegas one day earlier and, you know, conflict will ensue
• 3:22
  and Ten Years Later, they'll find themselves in my office,
• 3:24
  with this, being a tremendous empathic rupture.
• 3:28
  But anyhow, what an ultimatum isn't saying I'm going to leave
• 3:33
  unless you do Or you don't do X, that's also a boundary so who
• 3:38
  has trouble with boundaries and calls them?
• 3:40
  Ultimatums people who don't want to kind of look in it
• 3:45
  themselves. So a people who are people
• 3:48
  Pleasers have trouble with both boundaries and ultimatums.
• 3:51
  They have trouble with ever saying that they're worth
• 3:53
  anything at all, so it would be Preposterous for them to say I
• 3:57
  will leave if x, they're not going to leave anyway because
• 4:00
  they have terrible self-esteem and they don't value themselves.
• 4:03
  And this Say it with me. It's situated in your family of
• 4:09
  origin, you should know that. If there's one thing you should
• 4:11
  leave this podcast, knowing it's been like, hundreds of episodes.
• 4:16
  You listen to, if there's one thing you should know, it is
• 4:19
  just like a dog is trained in its early life.
• 4:23
  If you had an abused Pitbull, right?
• 4:25
  You, you would be an advocate. You would say, it's not the
• 4:27
  breed. It's the dog.
• 4:29
  The dog was heard by people, right?
• 4:31
  Well, shit is the same thing you're up.
• 4:34
  A bringing trains you to be a certain way.
• 4:37
  And unfortunately, for many people it's more like the abused
• 4:40
  Pitbull then than anything else. And that's very sad.
• 4:43
  But to say that it shouldn't shape you as an adult is
• 4:45
  nonsensical, any organism is shaped by its early life
• 4:49
  experiences, at least any mammal is, you know, or probably all of
• 4:54
  them are. So anyway, my point is this, if
• 4:58
  it is a boundary, that sounds good but it is the same as an
• 5:02
  ultimatum. Which sounds bad people who are
• 5:04
  People places aren't going to want to do them and people who
• 5:07
  don't want to really be intimate are going to hate to both of
• 5:10
  them. So narcissists or people who
• 5:14
  have, who are extremely self-absorbed hate when other
• 5:17
  people said boundaries or ultimatums because they want to
• 5:20
  do what they want to do and usually their interactions with
• 5:24
  other people are some sort of test to prove that the other
• 5:26
  person loves them sufficiently. And if the person erect a
• 5:29
  boundary, then the person who is self-absorbed, has to conclude
• 5:33
  that the person loves. Is themselves and respects
• 5:37
  themselves. At least as much as they love
• 5:40
  the narcissistic person, which does not sit well.
• 5:42
  So then they try to burrow past boundaries like some sort of a
• 5:46
  vole, you know, underground or like whichever way they can and,
• 5:50
  and push past boundaries or ultimatums right?
• 5:54
  And and that should and does feel upsetting an uncomfortable
• 5:58
  to the person who's just trying to set a goddamn, boundary on
• 6:02
  the other end of the extreme, though, as I discussed.
• 6:04
  In my podcast, The Cult of boundaries or preferences is the
• 6:10
  people who have way too many boundaries because they are
• 6:12
  avoidant attachment people. So that's another type of person
• 6:16
  who is really has a weird or dysfunctional perspective about
• 6:23
  boundaries, right? So, so first are people, who are
• 6:26
  people Pleasers, they have a dysfunctional view on boundaries
• 6:29
  because they refused to set any and they think that if they said
• 6:32
  any nobody will love them anymore because Basically what
• 6:35
  they're writing on here. As a basic tenet of why they
• 6:38
  should be loved. Is that they never have a
• 6:39
  boundary. Woohoo me, I have no boundaries
• 6:42
  at all. Don't worry about it.
• 6:43
  I let you do anything. And if that is the sum total of
• 6:46
  what you believe, you have to offer in the world as a partner
• 6:49
  as a parent as anybody, then a you should read my pot.
• 6:53
  You should listen to my podcast on why how not to let your kids
• 6:57
  treat you like garbage and be you got to assume that in your
• 7:01
  early life and I'm sure you could remember this.
• 7:03
  If you try for a Split, Second, you were never allowed to have
• 7:07
  any sense of self that you were proud of you were never allowed
• 7:09
  privacy. You were never allowed
• 7:11
  boundaries. If you told your mother, not to
• 7:13
  knock, she had a history Onyx should fit or took your door off
• 7:16
  the hinges, you know, based on how insane your house was.
• 7:20
  And you know, if you seriously think that your main worthiness
• 7:28
  as a person partner friend, worker, whatever is that you
• 7:33
  will never tell. Tell anybody that they can't
• 7:36
  tell you to do anything, without the double negatives.
• 7:40
  You will do anything. You, you know, those people that
• 7:42
  are like well I know I could outwork anyone.
• 7:45
  Like okay but you know what that always means.
• 7:48
  It means I will put up with so much shit.
• 7:51
  There will be a shit pile sitting on top of my head and I
• 7:54
  will not complain. This is not necessarily
• 7:56
  potentially the good thing that you think it is.
• 7:59
  Yeah. There's the people who will
• 8:00
  genuinely quote outwork anybody but that's not too good either
• 8:04
  because You need a goddamn break.
• 8:06
  You're a person. You're not a pack animal.
• 8:08
  So, you know, just as a side note, you can interrogate that
• 8:11
  if you're a person is predicated your whole life on, I can
• 8:13
  outwork anybody and you're not a terribly happy person.
• 8:17
  This potentially is why perhaps it's not healthy to quote
• 8:19
  outwork anybody. And you should refer back to my
• 8:23
  posts on being a work horse or a people-pleaser of a whole post
• 8:27
  on people-pleasing, Daughters of covertly narcissistic mothers,
• 8:30
  which really is going to apply when you're thinking about
• 8:33
  boundaries. And if you About them in a
• 8:35
  healthy or unhealthy way. And the other party that is
• 8:40
  upset by boundaries or or narcissist.
• 8:44
  And that's when other people have boundaries.
• 8:46
  So narcissus cannot boundaries up the Wazoo, but they get very
• 8:49
  upset when other people have boundaries because that means
• 8:52
  that they cannot then do anything.
• 8:53
  They want with that person. Take any of their time, any of
• 8:56
  their energy, constantly call them on the phone and he our ask
• 9:00
  them to, you know, give them money as some to give them a
• 9:04
  child. Or whatever the hell so people
• 9:06
  who are self-absorbed hate, when other people have boundaries but
• 9:09
  then who loves boundaries too much avoidant attachment people.
• 9:13
  They're like here's my boundary I go out with my friends every
• 9:16
  Friday. Here's my boundary, I keep my
• 9:19
  own separate bank account. Here's my boundary, I do
• 9:22
  everything that I want all the time.
• 9:24
  Here's my other boundary you're not allowed to say anything
• 9:26
  about it. Here's my up, you know?
• 9:28
  I mean it's like it's like a boundary Factory and if there's
• 9:32
  too many boundaries / preferences, You got to think
• 9:35
  this person really want to be in a relationship and God's honest.
• 9:38
  Truth is probably not, Oh, I thought of another category of
• 9:41
  people that have way too many boundaries people with sex
• 9:43
  issues, people who are very closed-minded about sex or oral
• 9:47
  sex is a boundary anal, sex is a boundary sex in a different
• 9:51
  position is a boundary sex. When we're looking at each other
• 9:53
  as a boundary sex without, you know, both of us literally, like
• 9:56
  zipping ourselves into hazmat suits as a boundary.
• 9:59
  So by the time you get done with those boundaries, you're
• 10:01
  basically, you know, procreating like, you know, I don't know,
• 10:05
  two robots, and that's too many boundaries, so there could be
• 10:08
  too many boundaries which I call pathological self-reliance.
• 10:13
  And just, as there can be two few boundaries.
• 10:15
  So, what is this Concord with? Well, if you're an expert
• 10:18
  listener, at this point, you are you already know.
• 10:20
  It's a pursuer, distance, sir or preoccupied?
• 10:24
  Avoidant Dynamic. The preoccupied person.
• 10:26
  They have a desire to merge with a partner and to have no
• 10:30
  boundaries at all and the avoidant wants to have
• 10:32
  everything, be a boundary Because they basically want to
• 10:35
  be single with somebody to fuck, and that's not a relationship
• 10:38
  either. So it and and back to the
• 10:42
  ultimatum thing. An ultimatum is just like a
• 10:44
  fancy boundaries, like a boundary with a top hat.
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  It's like very dramatic tap-dancing boundary.
• 10:51
  So it's like if you do eggs I will leave.
• 10:54
  Or if you do X, I will do Y and Y is a, similarly, dramatic sort
• 10:59
  of thing. So it's the same people who
• 11:02
  don't like boundaries, don't like ultimatums Items the same
• 11:04
  people who have you know too many boundaries have too many
• 11:08
  ultimatums and etc. Etc.
• 11:11
  When should you use a boundary then?
• 11:13
  So you don't want to use a too little.
• 11:15
  You do want to use it too much. You got to.
• 11:17
  I mean there's no one-size-fits-all answer.
• 11:18
  I can't be like well if you write out 20 boundaries,
• 11:21
  boundary number 12 is going to be the one that you should
• 11:23
  preserve and the other ones you should interrogate.
• 11:26
  No. But I mean, the list is a pretty
• 11:28
  good idea. You should write out all your
• 11:30
  boundaries, it would be it would be really instructive quite
• 11:33
  honestly, it would Really transformational if you'd like
• 11:36
  to have, if you're a homework assignment type of person, you
• 11:39
  want to get your bang for your buck of this free podcast.
• 11:42
  So it's a pretty good bang for the no buck.
• 11:45
  You can write out a list of your boundaries and different domains
• 11:48
  and if you're writing so much that your hands hurts which had
• 11:51
  frequently does in the age of typing I can barely even like
• 11:54
  hold a pen anymore. Then you have too many
• 11:57
  boundaries so like for example my funny I thought it was funny
• 12:02
  hazmat suit thing if somebody she has way it.
• 12:05
  So if you're writing out your boundaries during sex you're
• 12:07
  like I can't do this. I won't do this, I can't do
• 12:09
  this, I won't do this, I won't do that.
• 12:10
  If you got like, 5 10 things, you won't do that.
• 12:13
  Just like flow out of you like magically as soon as you put
• 12:16
  your pen to the paper, why don't you like think about that?
• 12:19
  Like is this a fun open-minded way to go about sex?
• 12:24
  You know, it's probable that it's not similarly, what are
• 12:27
  your emotional boundaries? You know if you can't think of
• 12:30
  literally any you know like like oror even Like, forget about.
• 12:35
  Okay, well, I don't forget about it because people be like,
• 12:37
  what's an emotional boundaries, she never told me and then I
• 12:39
  died of curiosity. So what an emotional boundary
• 12:43
  would be? Is for example, let's say you
• 12:46
  had a bad day at work, right? And you come home and you do
• 12:49
  want to talk about it right away because it's so fucking
• 12:52
  upsetting and you got the goddamn children up your ass and
• 12:55
  you got to make dinner and whatever.
• 12:57
  So you have a frown on your face because you're not a robot and
• 13:01
  your partner comes over and they're like, what's wrong?
• 13:03
  You're like I don't know. Talk about it right now.
• 13:04
  I'll tell you later and your partner's like No, you got to
• 13:07
  tell me right now. You got to tell me right now
• 13:09
  because this is why we're not closed.
• 13:11
  Well, that's a bunch of bullshit.
• 13:12
  You know, you have a frown on. Now I'm going to be worried,
• 13:15
  right? So you should be able to keep
• 13:17
  your emotional boundaries, totally healthy to say, listen,
• 13:21
  I'm upset about something nothing to do with you.
• 13:24
  I don't want to talk about it right now, but I'll tell you
• 13:26
  later, that is an emotional boundaries, you do not have to
• 13:29
  turn yourself inside out like, you know, like like Like, at the
• 13:35
  very at the mercy of the person who is curious about you, you
• 13:39
  don't have to do that. You could say I have this
• 13:42
  boundary up. Now what's the boundary that's
• 13:44
  to excessive saying? I'm never going to tell you
• 13:47
  saying saying, yeah, I'm upset and I don't want to talk about
• 13:50
  it ever. I never want to talk about it
• 13:52
  because it's nothing. So that shit is crazy making.
• 13:55
  So that's how the avoidant person would respond, right.
• 13:57
  The preoccupied person is the person who's like, yeah, I can't
• 14:01
  believe you would take you away like an hour before telling me
• 14:03
  now, How am I going to get through dinner?
• 14:05
  Like that is preoccupied. The avoid a is, like nothing,
• 14:09
  nothing's wrong. What do you mean?
• 14:10
  You always think something's wrong, right?
• 14:12
  When they're like frowning like somebody just died.
• 14:14
  So emotional boundaries are possible.
• 14:18
  Also to have, you know, then there's physical self care
• 14:21
  boundaries, which are particularly difficult for
• 14:23
  people who grew up in neglectful homes where there was no self
• 14:27
  care. So, the idea for many people who
• 14:29
  grew up in Dysfunctional homes that they could tell somebody a
• 14:33
  partner who wants to have, Fight that they're going to sleep.
• 14:36
  This is like, oh my God. They're like this is like the
• 14:38
  best thing I ever told them. They're like wait but he wants
• 14:41
  to talk like this D. He wants to talk until 2.
• 14:44
  A.m. what are you going to stay up till 2:00 a.m. they're like,
• 14:46
  well yes he want he wants to talk.
• 14:49
  If you didn't hear me wants to talk, I don't give a shit if he
• 14:51
  wants to talk, how you going to stay up till 2 a.m.
• 14:54
  Then it's 6:00 a.m. You're going to get up with your
• 14:56
  kids, then you're going to go to work.
• 14:57
  Is this what you do? And they say oh yes because he
• 15:00
  wants to talk. I don't like it but then again
• 15:02
  he does want to talk. This is what people We'll say
• 15:04
  when they've grown up in homes or nobody takes care of them or
• 15:07
  prioritises, are their health or their basic needs for a sleep
• 15:13
  for rest for privacy etcetera. So if you're listening to this,
• 15:17
  if you get one thing out of this, you're always allowed to
• 15:19
  go to sleep. Always unless it's like 2:00
• 15:21
  p.m. and you're going to sleep, you're like, fuck you.
• 15:24
  I'm taking a nap because I do want to talk about this.
• 15:26
  Yes, that's crazy. But if it is out, if it is like
• 15:30
  after 9:30 and you want to go to sleep, A parent as a human
• 15:35
  being, you, you basically allowed to go to sleep.
• 15:37
  You know what if it's before, 9:30, go to sleep.
• 15:39
  Do you get your kids off to sleep?
• 15:40
  You're allowed to go to sleep. Now, if you do this every single
• 15:43
  day and you do not give any alternate time to talk, well,
• 15:47
  then you're avoided. But in the people that are the
• 15:50
  ones, staying up till 2:00 a.m. are usually the people that you
• 15:54
  know are too much on the other end of the extreme that are not
• 15:57
  going to all of a sudden be like, fuck you, I'm ever going
• 15:59
  to talk again. So need to do and this is a
• 16:02
  thing to do with a therapist because I can A not so much as I
• 16:05
  would love to talk to all of the hundreds of people who are going
• 16:08
  to listen to this podcast and be like, no, this is normal, that's
• 16:13
  not normal. So this is a reason to get a
• 16:15
  therapist, especially if you grew up in a dysfunctional home
• 16:19
  is to say, what is a normal boundary to said?
• 16:21
  So for example, my partner, you know, constantly looks at my
• 16:25
  phone and tells me I'm cheating even though I have never cheated
• 16:28
  ever. But I mean, that's normal,
• 16:30
  right? I mean I gotta like reassuring.
• 16:32
  That's being a loving partner. No.
• 16:34
  No, that's not being a loving partner.
• 16:36
  So, I don't know what other example, you know, is exactly
• 16:39
  the one you're thinking about, this is why people need to get
• 16:41
  their individual therapist. So that if you grew up in a
• 16:43
  dysfunctional home, you can be like, oh, shit.
• 16:46
  This and this is happening, you mean?
• 16:48
  That's not normal and that can be very helpful in your life.
• 16:51
  So and you should set an ultimatum.
• 16:54
  If somebody's doing something that's bad for you very bad for
• 16:57
  you. If somebody's drinking all the
• 16:58
  time and they won't stop if they're cheating on you and they
• 17:00
  don't stop. If they curse at you and yell at
• 17:03
  you and they don't stop. If they hit you ever if they are
• 17:08
  stealing from you. If they are doing anything that
• 17:10
  people would consider a moral, if they're doing any sort of
• 17:13
  criminal act, then you leave you leave.
• 17:17
  I know it's easier said than done but just sometimes people
• 17:19
  have to hear things a bunch. Maybe this is the second time,
• 17:22
  third time hundredth time. First time that you may have
• 17:24
  heard any of that, think about it.
• 17:26
  If somebody's doing something to you, that they could get
• 17:29
  arrested for like a salt or that they would get fired for doing
• 17:33
  like you. Looking at somebody, in berating
• 17:35
  them leave that is when you should be setting your ultimatum
• 17:39
  and saying, if you don't do this I will leave.
• 17:40
  And then you gotta leave an ultimatum is healthy.
• 17:42
  If you really mean you're going to leave, so that means if you
• 17:45
  tell somebody you're going to get a divorce, it is only
• 17:47
  healthy. If you have thought about
• 17:49
  getting a divorce and you are willing to get a divorce.
• 17:51
  If x y z does not change. If you're just throwing it out,
• 17:54
  there is some kind of game playing manipulation because
• 17:57
  this is what you saw between your parents growing up,
• 17:59
  everybody yelling, everybody threatening.
• 18:02
  I mean, been there And you you it's very very stressful for
• 18:07
  children listening to that, but unfortunately, they also learn
• 18:11
  how to do it. And so if you grew up hearing a
• 18:13
  lot of threats, then that's your go-to when you grow up.
• 18:17
  Is you threaten you say, if you don't do this, then I'm not
• 18:21
  going to do that. If you don't do this, I'm going
• 18:23
  to leave. If you do this, I'm going to
• 18:24
  leave. If you do this, I'm going to do
• 18:26
  this, you know, because you heard it all the time.
• 18:29
  So that could also be another Epiphany from this.
• 18:32
  Is that where did you get your Yeah of constantly throwing out
• 18:35
  ultimatums from your dramatic history on a childhood of
• 18:40
  course. So an ultimatum is only ethical
• 18:43
  to give if you really stand by delivering it.
• 18:45
  If you want to say I'm going to get a divorce if you don't ex
• 18:48
  you better have looked up at least divorce laws in your state
• 18:51
  you know and be willing to actually go and do it.
• 18:55
  If the person doesn't change that is an ethical honest
• 18:58
  ultimatum, right? And a boundary should be
• 19:02
  something that is done too. Protect you while not hurting
• 19:06
  the other person, right? If they happen to get hurt and
• 19:10
  it is a real strong boundary, so if it's like their emotions, get
• 19:13
  hurt but you physically are safe or then.
• 19:16
  Yes. If it's like your emotions
• 19:18
  versus their emotions as a case-by-case situation.
• 19:21
  So like if they are stopping you from eating your meal because
• 19:25
  they have to just say one more thing, then your physical health
• 19:30
  is being compromised because of their emotional health, and then
• 19:34
  You win, you know, this is just a real quick, little way to
• 19:38
  think about it, for people, that struggle with it, who never
• 19:40
  understood boundaries, but if it's your emotion versus their
• 19:43
  emotion, they want to talk and you don't want to talk then, you
• 19:47
  know, I mean, flip for it, you know, no coin, you know, or go
• 19:51
  to couples counseling, right? Go to couples counseling.
• 19:54
  But remember if they want to keep talking and you have to go
• 19:57
  to sleep, you go to sleep. If they have to keep two, if
• 20:00
  they want to keep talking and you feel sick, or you have I've
• 20:04
  to go pee and you literally will not go pee because that might
• 20:08
  upset them. You are in a very dysfunctional
• 20:10
  situation and you need to go to therapy to figure out how to
• 20:13
  assert yourself. If you're in a situation where
• 20:16
  your husband wants a blow job and you don't like to give
• 20:17
  blowjobs. Well you know, I mean like you
• 20:20
  want something, he doesn't want something, there's got to be
• 20:23
  some sort of compromise somewhere.
• 20:25
  This is not a situation in which you are a health is going to get
• 20:28
  damaged, nor is his. So that's the sort of situation
• 20:31
  where people compromise. So you see my point Have
• 20:34
  individual questions about a boundary versus an ultimatum.
• 20:37
  Why don't you just send it on a voicemail?
• 20:39
  People love to listen to podcasts where somebody sends in
• 20:42
  a voice message and you could do that on an anchor apps a with
• 20:45
  this via boundary or an ultimatum but you know, that
• 20:48
  could be fun and exciting something for you to do and fun
• 20:52
  and exciting for my listeners. Anyway.
• 20:54
  Hopefully this was useful and possibly even for at least one
• 20:59
  person made you realize that you are in a crazy situation where
• 21:02
  you actually do need to set more.
• 21:04
  He's or for another sort of person that they're setting Me
• 21:07
  Maybe too many boundaries and remember where would that come
• 21:10
  from setting too many boundaries being pathologically
• 21:12
  self-reliant, family of origin like everything else.
• 21:17
  So you probably saw a parent that's too many boundaries it is
• 21:20
  overly cold overly self-reliant that you never really felt that
• 21:24
  you could access deeply emotionally and had no
• 21:26
  vulnerability, etc, etc. So hopefully you got something
• 21:30
  out of this and I will talk to you soon.
• 21:32
  Bye, bye.