Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / "Gaming" or "Hacking" Your Wife Makes Her Respect You Much, Much Less

Transcript

"Gaming" or "Hacking" Your Wife Makes Her Respect You Much, Much Less · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody and welcome to the Doctor Psych Mom Show.
• 0:09
  Today I'm going to be talking about how gaming your wife makes
• 0:12
  her respect you much, much less. And what I mean by that, and
• 0:17
  what it looks like versus working on your marriage.
• 0:21
  Before that, please do subscribe.
• 0:23
  I now do finally have 150 subscriber episodes, and the
• 0:28
  most recent one was Sulking when you don't get laid is as wrong
• 0:31
  as sulking if your kids don't listen.
• 0:34
  And it was a good one. And there's of course 150
• 0:37
  others, including oral sex on women.
• 0:40
  So make sure to subscribe right away, All right?
• 0:43
  So gaming your wife. So a lot of times you know, guys
• 0:48
  read things on the Internet and somehow you know they they are
• 0:53
  unhappy. And so I can understand why you
• 0:55
  would want to fix a problem if you're unhappy.
• 0:58
  They're unhappy in their marriages and they think that
• 1:01
  their wife doesn't desire them like she's supposed to.
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  Like, you know, the women doing porn or like, you know, the
• 1:08
  neighbor couple down the street that they think they know,
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  'cause these people hold hands and they don't, or whatever.
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  You know, people compare themselves to others all the
• 1:17
  time. Porn makes that worse.
• 1:19
  But whatever. Point being is they think that
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  there's this other level of desire that their wife is
• 1:26
  supposed to get to and they are just not getting her there,
• 1:30
  right? And so instead of, you know,
• 1:34
  accepting reality, they decide to kind of game the system.
• 1:39
  And you could see this all over the atmosphere.
• 1:42
  You're supposed to work out and you're supposed to flirt with
• 1:45
  her and you're supposed to do all these things and those
• 1:48
  things are great. It's great to work out.
• 1:50
  That's good for your mental health and your physical health.
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  And you know, it's probably not going to do shit for your wife,
• 1:55
  as I discussed in many podcasts. Unless, of course, you're
• 1:58
  preoccupied attachment And finally, thank God you're out of
• 2:01
  the house and she could finally breathe.
• 2:03
  Then it'll probably be good. But you know, flirting with her,
• 2:07
  that's cute, fine. But like the point is, is a lot
• 2:11
  of guys are are doing things like this to like hack the
• 2:14
  system. Like they're like trying to to
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  like, hack her in a way that they would like hack their
• 2:20
  health, you know or or something like that.
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  You know, start taking supplements or or you know,
• 2:26
  start doing high Interval Intensity training or or
• 2:30
  whatever it is. They're trying to do that with
• 2:32
  their wife and specifically her libido.
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  Now, I've done a podcast already on your drive has nothing to do
• 2:39
  with your wife, so why would her drive have to do with you?
• 2:43
  And I talk about this constantly within monogamy.
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  Your wife is going, you know, her sex drive drops.
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  I've talked about this on and on and on, and she's never going to
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  be back in the honeymoon stage again.
• 2:55
  Now, your wife is not an idiot. She is not a fool.
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  You can take her out to dinner and wear a different shirt after
• 3:02
  you've exercised for six weeks and she still knows it's you.
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  She does. You could even wear like a funny
• 3:08
  nose and glasses and and and a wig, and she's still going to
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  know it's you, so she knows it's you.
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  And her sex drive is not going to go back to honeymoon stage
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  levels because it's still you. And even if she were to leave
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  you and have the honeymoon stage with another man, that would go
• 3:25
  away after a few years. Because I've taught you that
• 3:27
  again about biology and evolution and why.
• 3:30
  And if this all doesn't make sense, go back to my episode The
• 3:34
  Rosetta Stone for all of this, which is the honeymoon stage and
• 3:38
  why there's no bait and switch. But that also means that gaming
• 3:42
  your wife is not going to work. All it does is make her think
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  that you're a fool, you know and and, or or child.
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  And neither one of those is sexy.
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  So there's a real big difference between a man who's trying to do
• 3:56
  cute little stuff for his wife because it makes her happy, and
• 4:00
  a man who's trying to do that stuff so that he gets laid and
• 4:04
  is viewed with more desire, she's gonna view you with the
• 4:09
  desire she views you with, you know, it's around her time of
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  the month. It's around how she feels about
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  the marriage in general, by the way.
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  It's about a lot of it is about respect, You know, It's about
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  respect for you as a man and do you have other things in your
• 4:24
  life that are happening that are not this relationship.
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  It's like for every 20 minutes that you, you know, spend
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  thinking about how you could be better in bed and turn her on
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  more, You know that's 20 minutes that you could have been reading
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  to your kids or or going for a run or working at your job or
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  painting the house or picking up a hobby or doing anything that
• 4:51
  actually kind of self actualizes you and makes you a a different
• 4:55
  kind of person, Like a a more self actualized person, a more
• 5:00
  complex person, a more interesting person.
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  And so then, if the next thing you thought is, well, then will
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  she be more turned on? Like then That's still the wrong
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  frame, right? She's gonna be whatever she's
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  gonna be. You got to kind of dissociate
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  from her libido is her libido. There is no hack for your wife's
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  libido. The the difference and what's so
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  funny is that when some women go on testosterone cream, right.
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  So they prescribe that, as I've said for depression, functional
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  medicine doctors do for drive and energy and clarity and and
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  sex drive. Of course, there are all sorts
• 5:35
  of reasons that people prescribe that and women try it.
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  And I've known many women who have tried it and I've tried it
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  for depression. I told you guys that one of the
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  earlier podcasts. Yes, it certainly increases your
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  drive quite a bit. You know, it really does.
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  And it still has nothing to do with your husband.
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  It has nothing to I do. You've just like you know done
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  control, alt, delete and like restarted, you know like a a
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  different program and it still has nothing to do with him.
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  He's not games that system at all.
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  There is that that she she wants to have sex all the time.
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  Cool until you know. And for some women, that's great
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  and they want to keep doing that.
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  And for other women, there are other side effects like
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  irritability or aggression or migraines or bloat or like a lot
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  of stuff. You know, so many women don't
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  stay on that, but some do. And they like it, and that's
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  great. And they could try it.
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  You could try it. But here's the thing, is that if
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  she wanted to have sex, like more, that still wouldn't have
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  to do with you. It's not like she's still.
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  She's thinking oh, oh, like it. It's not like a a love potion.
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  So this is where we have to go back to.
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  The whole sex is not just about sex.
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  If you find yourself consumed with the desire for your wife to
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  want you like she did in the honeymoon stage, it's just the
• 6:51
  same thing as my podcast or post on Why is your wife allowed to
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  grow up? But not why are your kids
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  allowed to grow up but not your wife?
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  It would be like wanting your child to be as dependent on you
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  when they're 10 as when they were two.
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  That's just not reasonable and it's not healthy.
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  So this whole trying to game your wife thing is really
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  unhealthy because it's predicated on something that's
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  just wrong, which is that you can get your wife to look at you
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  differently and with more desire the way she would if you were a
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  new man. And to some degree, if you
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  truly, deeply change as a person, she may respect you more
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  and then not be. I guess, you know, it's
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  semantic. She could be more willing to
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  have sex, that's for damn sure she's still not going to desire
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  you like honeymoon phase, because that's a biological new
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  relationship, energy stage. She could want to have more sex.
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  But the irony is, the more you game her, the more you're
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  obsessing about her and the less attractive you are.
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  There's nothing less attractive than a man whose major, you
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  know, life's work is getting his wife to have sex with him two
• 8:00
  more times a week. I mean, you know, there there
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  are, there are men doing really like cool things out in the
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  world, you know, and inventing things and running things and
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  doing stuff. And that is who your wife is
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  going to fantasize about. If you are somebody who has a
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  spreadsheet about how much you guys have sex.
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  Because it's a very small minded sort of way to live.
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  And if there were other things on your plate then you would not
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  have the time to think about how many times we had sex last week
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  and wonder if you had only passed another shit test.
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  Then it could have been one more.
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  And for that on shit Tests, you can certainly go back to my
• 8:41
  podcast that is titled Shit the Shit Tests and why they're a
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  myth or something like that. So the point being, you can make
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  your wife more feel that you're a more appealing guy.
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  And the only way I've seen to do that is by really kind of
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  changing the frame, you know, like changing who you are,
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  becoming somebody who is really into stuff that isn't her, you
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  know, and not as a fake thing. Not like you're looking over
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  your shoulder, like, like you decide to, you know, really
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  start working with your kid on his baseball game.
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  Right. Because you're like, you know
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  what? How how many websites can I
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  really look at about how to have more sex with my wife?
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  My son here wants to really focus on baseball.
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  So you know what? I'm going to make that my thing.
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  I'm going to do baseball with my kid a whole bunch more than I
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  was before. Right?
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  And I'm going to take them to this, all these It's a batting
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  cage and I'm going to throw the ball for him and whatever.
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  Your wife may be more attracted to that person.
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  That person, like, has like a thing that they're doing in the
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  world. It's a nice thing, too.
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  They're like hanging out with your kid and they're like
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  teaching him. They're doing something.
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  She you're you're doing something she couldn't do.
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  You know, you're sacrificing time that you could otherwise
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  have sat literally jerking off or figuratively jerking off, and
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  you're doing something useful that will make good memories
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  with your son. Yeah, she will look at you and
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  be more attracted to that guy. She will not look at you with
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  more attraction. If you say to her, hey, did you
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  notice how many times I took Jimmy out to play catch?
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  Good, right. Good, right.
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  You want to go upstairs? I mean, that is like the least
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  attractive thing in the world. The entire attractive part about
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  it is that you're not trying to game her.
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  You're actually doing something that's important to you that she
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  could admire and respect. And my You can't admire somebody
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  who's obsessed with you. Wow.
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  What would you admire about them?
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  They're putting themselves below you.
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  They're acting like you are the catch.
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  Why would you admire somebody that's so consumed with with
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  obsession about you, the woman that you're obsessed about, your
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  wife does not think that she is somebody worthy of obsession.
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  She's just a woman. This is like that.
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  You know, this damsel in distress.
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  Like I I have a a podcast on the myth of the golden vagina.
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  Or like how to teach your son about the myth of the golden
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  vagina. It's something like that.
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  And if you put women on a pedestal, then you're basically
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  saying that they're not real people, but they feel like real
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  people. So think about it from the
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  woman's perspective. She's just like a woman walking
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  around. Sometimes she has to pee,
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  sometimes she has to eat. She's anxious a lot about
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  various things She has, You know, she's obsessed with being
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  a good mom. She's got her job.
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  She's just like a person. She is who she is.
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  And then you are acting like she is like some kind of porn star
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  because you're fluffing yourself up, looking at actual porn stars
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  all the time or telling yourself that that's what your life is
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  supposed to be like. She doesn't respect you because
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  she doesn't think that you think clearly, 'cause you don't.
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  So this is like, basically the subtitle of this podcast is the
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  plight of the preoccupied man, right?
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  So you're putting her on a pedestal.
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  She can't respect you because she doesn't feel that anybody
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  should be on a pedestal, least of all her.
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  She is her. She is that person.
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  She just feels like a person. So it would be like if you were
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  obsessed with your kid, you know, like, like these parents,
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  you know, that are obsessed with their kids.
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  So if every time Jimmy, he took a break from baseball, right.
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  And so he draws a picture. A picture is kind of just like a
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  fucking picture. It's just a little picture.
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  It looks like a lollipop of a person.
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  And he shows it to you and you're like, Oh my God, Jimmy,
• 12:17
  you're like Picasso, man. We got to get you into art
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  school. Oh my God.
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  You, like, blow it up and you, like, frame it.
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  You put it on your wall every time he does some crap picture
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  like you, you do that. Jimmy would start to think you
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  had something wrong with you. He would not respect you.
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  He would think, who's this idiot?
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  I'm. I'm not even very good at art.
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  The art teacher even told me that, like, I I'm not one of the
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  kids that gets pulled out for extra art or whatever the hell,
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  you know, like I am kind of just a person who just drew a
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  picture. And that's why kids don't trust
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  the parents who like, super praise them all the time.
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  You know, like they're they're basically like, well, everything
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  I say to mom, she's going to say that I walk on water pretty
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  much. So I'm going to really listen to
• 12:59
  my coach instead, or maybe my dad or maybe my, my, my my
• 13:04
  friend's dad or somebody. Because if I ask mom, I'm going
• 13:07
  to say, Oh my God, honey, you do such a good job, right?
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  So I can't really trust that that's right.
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  So I guess I'll, you know, ask somebody else so you can make
• 13:16
  yourself somebody that is not worthy of trust or respect by
• 13:19
  putting somebody else on a pedestal when they shouldn't be.
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  And no woman should be on a pedestal, just like no man
• 13:25
  should be on a pedestal. The whole.
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  Wanting somebody to desire you like you're in the honeymoon
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  stage thing is basically saying, I wish my wife would put me on a
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  pedestal. And your wife's just not
• 13:34
  somebody who does that and nor should she, because that's
• 13:36
  called preoccupied attachment. That's not good.
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  So, securely attached people in healthy relationships, happy
• 13:44
  marriages, do not put each other on pedestals.
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  They don't look at each other's weaknesses constantly, but they
• 13:49
  see one another as having strengths and weaknesses.
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  And that's just how people are. And yes, you could be
• 13:55
  particularly compatible and attracted to one person versus
• 13:58
  another person, certainly, but that person isn't on a pedestal.
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  Because the thing that happens when you're on a pedestal is you
• 14:05
  fall off a pedestal. People with borderline
• 14:07
  personality disorder or narcissistic personality
• 14:09
  disorder tend to put others or themselves on pedestals with
• 14:14
  kind of terrible results and long term outcomes in the
• 14:18
  relationship because no relationship can survive that
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  because all people are just people.
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  So you don't want to put your kids on pedestals, you don't
• 14:25
  want to over praise your kids when they, you know, just do
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  regular ass stuff, you know? And I've talked about that a lot
• 14:32
  on my blog. But also, you know, like you do
• 14:36
  not want to put your partner on a pedestal.
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  It never works out. You could think that your wife
• 14:42
  is beautiful and you could and I have podcasts about that.
• 14:45
  You got to think your wife is really hot for things to work.
• 14:47
  That's awesome. And if she thinks that you're
• 14:49
  hot, great. And for every person who's hot,
• 14:51
  there's a person tired of fucking them.
• 14:53
  I mean, that's a a a saying and it's true.
• 14:56
  And while you may say that that's not you, it should be you
• 14:59
  a little bit. I mean, you've been having sex
• 15:01
  with your wife for for so long, right?
• 15:03
  I mean, why is it the be all in end though?
• 15:06
  You're not 18 anymore, you're not 16 anymore.
• 15:09
  So if having sex with your wife is literally the only thing that
• 15:13
  you look forward to, then that's a problem.
• 15:16
  And of course she's not going to respect that because from her
• 15:18
  perspective, she is her. Why are you putting her on this
• 15:22
  pedestal? Why are you putting this much
• 15:23
  pressure on her to give your life meaning?
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  She wishes that you found meaning in a myriad other things
• 15:30
  and then she could look at you and admire you and want to get
• 15:34
  herself in the mood. Still would have to do that
• 15:37
  because it's responsive desire that kicks in after the
• 15:40
  honeymoon stage. Want to get herself in the mood
• 15:42
  to be close with you now? You may say.
• 15:45
  What about getting better in bed?
• 15:47
  You sure get better in bed. You want to deliver a good
• 15:49
  experience in the bedroom? Certainly it can be something
• 15:53
  that you work on. But if you're working on it
• 15:55
  obsessively with the desire, with the goal of making her
• 15:59
  desire you more, that's where the logical bottleneck happens,
• 16:04
  right? She's not going to desire you
• 16:07
  more. She's never going to look at you
• 16:08
  again like she did when she was like 24 years old, you know, and
• 16:12
  she just met you. But but she might like sex more.
• 16:16
  And that's pretty logical, right?
• 16:18
  You make sex better. She might like sex more, so that
• 16:21
  makes sense, right? I mean, if she was nicer to you,
• 16:23
  you'd want to hang out more too. So point being is that you got
• 16:26
  to figure out where your motivations are.
• 16:29
  Anybody can assess if your motivations are to, you know,
• 16:33
  basically get something that doesn't exist, right?
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  So if you are, if your motivation is to make your wife
• 16:41
  back into the honeymoon stage, she knows that she knows that's
• 16:44
  not possible and therefore she doesn't respect any of your
• 16:47
  initiatives. But if you're working on the
• 16:49
  marriage, 'cause you want to have a good marriage, you want
• 16:51
  to show the kids a good marriage, you love her, you want
• 16:54
  to make her happy, you want to be a good partner, and that's
• 16:56
  like where it ends, then cool, then that's great.
• 17:00
  As long as that's part of your life and not all of your life.
• 17:04
  A lot of people, you know, want to come into couples
• 17:06
  counselling. That should be an individual
• 17:08
  counselling, you know? And I always tell them you
• 17:10
  should be in your own stuff too, right?
• 17:12
  There's a lot we could do in couples work, but if somebody is
• 17:16
  has very low self esteem issues, that is not only for couples
• 17:21
  work, they should be working on that individually.
• 17:23
  That would probably be more bang for your buck, you know, because
• 17:26
  then you'll be like Oh my God, why am I obsessing so much about
• 17:29
  my wife? I guess it doesn't have much to
• 17:31
  do with her at all. So couples stuff is good.
• 17:34
  Individual stuff may be better. If you find yourself in this
• 17:38
  situation super preoccupied trying to game your wife, trying
• 17:43
  to game the system, trying to bring it back to an earlier
• 17:46
  stage of existence despite intellectually understanding
• 17:49
  that you can't. All right, I hope you guys
• 17:51
  enjoyed this. Some straight talk.
• 17:53
  Tough love from doctor, psych mom and I will talk to you all
• 17:57
  soon. Have a great day guys.