Latest / The Junto Podcast / E72: Family and Workplace Resentment - Holding Grudges Steals Your Freedom

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E72: Family and Workplace Resentment - Holding Grudges Steals Your Freedom · The Junto Podcast

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Hello America, welcome to the Junto podcast, where we promote the practical
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applications of critical thinking and bold creativity.
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I'm your host, Edgar Mills. Thank you for,
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Hello, America. Welcome back. I like the weekly format, but it's a lot of work.
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But thanks for staying with me. For those of you that are with me on every episode,
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and I appreciate you so much because this is work, but it's a labor of love.
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So, well, and a little bit of labor of therapy.
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So I like doing, I like doing this stuff.
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The topics man there's no shortage of stuff to talk about in the world never
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mind current events which i normally don't like to do current events too much
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but today i'm not talking about a current event i i tell you what,
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you guys know probably my wife and i have been together for a really long time
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we've known each other for a really long time since.
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1987. Well, I've also known my sister-in-law since 1987.
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And she's a smart lady, and her and my wife are very close, but she's always
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good for some good content as far as topics go.
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And so my sister-in-law suggested this topic.
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And the topic is resentment. And this obviously came up. It comes up in people's lives anyway, but,
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resentment. And there's a lot. That's a big word. That can go with a lot of stuff.
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Excuse me. And I didn't even remotely touch on the breadth, the scope of the topic.
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But if you're holding on to some resentment, some deep decades-old resentment towards someone,
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It's hurting.
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Right? It's not good. It's not healthy, and it's not a positive thing.
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And over time, like, to suppress, well, you might not even be suppressing the
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bitterness, really, toward whoever you resent or whatever group you resent or whatever.
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That will just, it'll eat away at you. It'll rob you of your joy and your happiness.
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People, so in a psychological sense, it's like unfinished business,
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right? It's like unresolved angst, some unresolved problem.
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That's what resentment kind of is.
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And if it's unresolved, man, you think about it at the inopportune moments or
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maybe all the time. It might be deep and burn you up and you're consumed with it, maybe.
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And then it causes you to recall whatever the incident was that caused it to
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begin with. You're kind of always recalling that.
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And then the further away we get from that incident, the more the filter of
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negativity goes on and less objectivity.
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And there you go.
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You got this thing that happened to you and it's fact and nobody ever apologized for it or whatever.
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Yeah. And it becomes like this just,
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chronic state of internal turmoil and angst rather than the way you just respond
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to the single event. You know what I mean?
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And I think by definition, resentment, it does last. It's not a one-time thing.
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It's not temporary, you know, I think by definition, really.
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So it takes a toll on you, a measurable toll, really.
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Now, physiologically, we know that stress can manifest itself in physical ways.
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What's some of the ways here? Well, elevated cortisol, that's the stress hormone, I guess it's called.
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Well, trouble sleeping. You could have insomnia, but the reality is you're just
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replaying this resentment in your brain.
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It can cause inflammation in the body. It can cause heart stress on the cardiovascular system.
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Stress manifests itself physically. We know this.
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Yeah we know this so mentally what does it do i mean it it breaks our attention
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it demands our attention to where our attentions could be better focused,
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it amplifies what we already think to be our confirmation bias if you resent
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a person and this person is unaware,
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and everything they say to you seems like some sarcastic jab when this person
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might be being completely genuine.
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It amplifies your confirmation bias.
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What does it do emotionally? Yeah.
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Now, mental and emotional, you could say it the same, but I always separate
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those two. I don't know why.
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Yeah, I separate the two. I don't know if that's normal, if that's what professionals
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do. I don't know what, but I'm thinking mentally is separate from emotionally.
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Yeah, it kills your ability to have real.
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Lasting joy and happiness. It takes it away.
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You can't be present in the moment. Imagine somebody in your family you have resentment for,
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and you had a family function, and they're there, and you're there,
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and the only thing you're thinking about is how much you dislike this person,
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or how they did you wrong.
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Even though they may be talking to you like, hey, how's it going?
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It's been a while. You're like, motherfucker. You know what I mean?
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Your presence. It kills your ability to trust. Yeah.
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And as far as relationship goes.
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It creates a bitterness that, yeah, we don't want that.
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Distance, you're defensive all the time. Now, on this topic,
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because it was suggested, I can recall and see these in life. I know,
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perfect instances of this in different capacities.
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Very defensive, and some people get very passive-aggressive.
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I do not like that in people, the passive aggression. I don't like it.
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But we see it a lot today because I strongly believe in the modern world here,
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we're ruled more by emotion than logic.
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Logically, you can reason something out and be like, okay, this is what this
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person really meant, or this is what they did, but it didn't cause permanent
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real damage. It was just, and I can get over it.
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But these days, everybody's emotional. It's all emotional. Yeah.
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So, and one of the things is that.
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It turns this resentment or this anger into kind of your identity,
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and you're kind of stuck with it.
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You take it on as a part of your identity, and you're stuck with it.
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And therefore, fixing it or resolving it kind of becomes a bigger task because
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they define themselves by the perceived slight or the perceived injury.
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And you see this a lot in these activist groups, the victimhood and all this
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and that. And I don't want to get political here. I'm just saying they've made
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it a part of their identity.
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Whatever their oppressed, whatever it is, that is now who they are.
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So to tell them they're not oppressed is to tell them their identity is all wrong.
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And I just can't have it. It makes it very difficult to resolve the real problem.
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So, yeah, I'm always talking about contradictions and irony.
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Anyway, the irony is kind of thick there, is that the person that you resent
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that caused this slight, this injury, this whatever,
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oftentimes they don't even know what they've done wrong.
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And they move on with life, whereas you are stuck with it and hanging on to
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it, and it's making you more and more miserable.
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Long-term misery.
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So you pay the price day on day, week on week, month on month,
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and they're out there living life to the fullest.
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That's the irony of it all. That's what resentment, that's why it's no good.
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So let's talk about some examples. Let's look.
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Many adults, and even me to a degree, even me, carry a sort of a long,
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long-standing resentment toward one or both your parents,
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for whatever failures of the past, right?
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Whether they were harsh criticism or they were emotionally unavailable or they
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withheld or they were inconsistent with their affections,
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whether you just grew up poor and you thought it was some kind of punishment,
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or then very real stuff like, you know, physical or sexual abuse, that's there too.
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So as an adult, you replay in these childhood events and sort of maybe even
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little traumas, but you're looking at it through the lens, your current lens, your adult lens,
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and the adult standards. and from standards,
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and norms that your young parents in the 70s and 60s and 70s probably didn't have that insight.
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So they're getting measured by a different metric.
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And what you felt as a kid is very different from what you feel now,
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but it amplifies, you know, as you get older and you're like,
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oh, man, that was messed up.
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You know, our parents were imperfect for sure, and we're imperfect as parents for sure.
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So I said that I experienced this myself.
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My mother and I, rest her soul, and we're very much alike, by the way.
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She was I wouldn't say she was a good mom she loved me for sure,
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and but she was wild and a hard woman and I'd say selfish to a large degree
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and she did her own thing and,
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she loved me dearly absolutely but.
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Not enough to attempt to,
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present a quote unquote normal life. I kind of resent that her and my dad divorced early.
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I feel like that, I kind of resent that I was unsupervised.
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I know that's not when you're a kid, you love being unsupervised,
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but what kids need that they don't know they need at the time is structure,
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and so i was happy to run wild and do whatever but in reality it hurt me in
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the long run it hurt me and i can i'm,
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you know resentment i don't know if you want to say blame or resentment but
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i don't know if those are the same,
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no i'm not sure about that But yeah, man,
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we analyze the way they did things through our current filter of knowledge and
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resources and culture and all the things.
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And we don't really consider the norms of their time or the constraints that
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they were under, whether it was financial or what.
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For me, a lot of times it was financial constraints, for sure.
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But, eh, messing with my camera here, I'm sorry. There it is.
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And also, we don't really look back, and we're talking about resources of the time.
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Well, our parents, well, I know my parents, my mom was a smart woman, and I mean sharp.
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But I don't even think she made it. I don't know that she made it maybe to the
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10th grade before she quit school.
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Yeah, I don't know. And my dad, my dad's a great guy.
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I'm not sure he graduated high school. They weren't educated is what I'm saying.
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And they certainly didn't have the internet and they certainly didn't have the
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answer to everything at their fingertips.
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And my daughter and I talk about some of the old ways versus the current ways.
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Yeah, World Book Encyclopedia was available to everyone. But.
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To go look up an answer to a problem was a task, was a chore.
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You had to get to the library, one, and two. Then you had to know exactly the
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problem you were looking for.
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And then you had to go look that up in the Dewey Decimal System. Yeah.
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Yeah, and the research today that we can sit down and knock out in one hour,
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took an entire day at least back then.
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Yeah, I remember those days.
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Anyway, resources. Our parents were in a different time.
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They had different education. They had, I'm not saying different values.
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We probably carry much of the same values as our parents did.
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Yeah, we just look at it now as we're adults, And we're not being critical thinkers
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about it and going, okay, well, they were effed up.
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And here's why they were effed up, most likely.
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That reflected on us.
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Maybe unintentionally, probably unintentionally.
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And then never mind the generational sort of family patterns and cycles of maybe
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abuse or neglect or whatever, right?
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So we're oftentimes harder on our parents based on what we know now.
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And so based on what we know now, we look back and think,
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was that malicious?
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Or just was it purposeful neglect? Or was it just, well, in the case of my parents, dumbass kids.
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And I'll go to another personal example on that. Speaking of my mom,
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my mom and her mom, my grandmother, rest her soul.
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They both died. They lived together, and they're later till the end.
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And, well, after my grandma. So my grandmother probably been married eight times.
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And she had my mom and my uncle from one husband. She had one of my aunts from another husband.
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I think her and her sister when they were young were honky-tonk, good time type.
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I don't know, man. A lot of stuff going on in the family history.
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But one thing was clear to me in the later years that I wasn't aware of when
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I was younger, and I mean even in my 20s or so, I wasn't really aware,
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is that my mom held a very deep resentment for my grandmother.
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And I still to this day don't know why. I can guess and I can guess.
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And my mom died alone in the sense that she didn't have a significant other.
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Mean she lived with my grandmother or my grandmother lived with her she so and
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here's the weird the the paradox is that my mother took care of my grandmother and her elder years,
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but she did it begrudgingly she did it as a duty but it was a it was not done
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in anger almost, but almost done out of spite,
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it torments me to this day. Why, how the resentment was so deep.
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And I once yelled at my mother for yelling at my grandmother.
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I mean, like toward the end there. And I kind of feel bad about it in retrospect,
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because my mother died a few months later, but,
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yeah, I had to get in my mom's ass because of the way she was talking to my
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grandmother, and it was very hateful.
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And I saw the resentment all in that moment, and I was just blown away.
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Like, how can you talk to her like this?
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You're taking care of her. And I think I said something to the effect of if
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you're not taking care of her out of love and because you want to take care of her, don't move on.
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Yeah. What would have happened? Well, my grandmother would have been living in my basement.
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And that would have put a strain on my family. But in that moment,
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I was blown away at what was happening there.
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Deep, deep, long, long-held resentment showed itself. And it was ugly. Yeah, it was ugly.
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Now, my mom came down after that. She was kind of an angry lady, too, you know.
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And for those of you who have known me over the many years, you know that I'm
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an angry guy, kind of, not anymore so much, but I've tried to learn how to let
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go of those types of things, those types of issues,
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because it's unhealthy.
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But it exists, man. And if you're an adult holding on to some resentment for one of your parents,
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you know, I don't know the level of, I don't know what your childhood looked
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like or whatever, but It's probably hurting you.
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It's hurting them for sure, but it's probably hurting you just as much.
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Now, oh man, I've got a militant gnat flying around here.
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Now, to say all that, whatever your perceived slight is, it might be legitimate.
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That's not to invalidate it.
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Now, if you're out there and like your dad sexually abused you, that's real stuff.
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That's real. I'm not saying that the resentment is unfounded.
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I don't, whether it's founded or unfounded, I'm talking about resentment in general.
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Your slight. may be real.
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I think there's a way to resolve it without holding on to this long-term resentment.
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But if you were, well, physically abused, that's a, that's a, forgive me, right?
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Yeah, you're going to, but there's also the sort of mental or psychological abuse,
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just a parent who's constantly belittling the children or talking to them like
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they're adults and just talking down to them or gaslighting them or whatever,
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or emotionally manipulating their kids.
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You give them all the love when they do a thing you want them to do, but you give them no love.
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When they do something slightly, you know, misbehave a little bit.
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Or worse yet, not worse yet, but in a different way, neglect,
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just ignoring your kids.
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I'll tell you what, I'm a Gen Xer. And the movie that defined the generation,
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Breakfast Club, and if you haven't seen it, it's good. It's a teen angst movie.
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But one of the best lines that's never talked about that's underrated is Ali Sheedy's character.
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I think Emilio Estevez says what do they do to you?
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They're talking about the parents they're talking about how they all hate their
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parents and she said they ignore me that's profound,
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profound all the other stuff that was one of the most profound lines in the movie.
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So even that can create the resentment,
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it and and it's real you have cause you're you're you're validated in and thinking
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that that was bad but the holding on to it is the part,
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and and those real slights those real not perceived those real slights are yeah
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that's basic human responsibility of one human to another,
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never mind of a dependent child.
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It's your responsibility as a parent to develop this child, not that they feel
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the same pain you felt as a youth, so that they get tough.
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Instead, they become well-developed and emotionally mature and all these things,
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and loved, and loved, and they feel the love.
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There's never a question whether or not they're loved, even when they've done something wrong.
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That's your responsibility as a parent, among other things.
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So, yeah, but those things, right, that abuse or neglect or whatnot,
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that's understandable. That's a defense mechanism,
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that we use.
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Yeah, it's a defense mechanism.
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And so even here, even though it's deserved, all modern medicine,
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psychological stuff, literature and whatnot,
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talking about trauma recovery and these things, it's all consistent these days.
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And it consistently says that if we harbor this indefinite resentment and bitterness,
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that not only is it not going to fix the problem or restore what was lost,
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it's going to create more damage.
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That's it.
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It keeps our system locked in a constant state of like threat awareness, you know, or like,
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I guess sort of fight or flight a little bit.
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Yeah, and,
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we can't form positive relationships or lasting relationships.
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And we can't just be at ease.
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You're never at ease because you're always thinking about being slighted and
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why why does this person not got what they deserve,
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so that's sort of i hit that one the sort of parental adult child and parent resentment right,
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now look i did not i i didn't go into this and i I went back and forth.
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I'll mention it, but I didn't go into it.
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What about parents that resent their children?
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They had sex as teenagers and got pregnant.
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And because they chose not to murder the baby in the womb, they birthed the
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baby. And instead of giving the baby up for adoption or whatnot, they keep the baby.
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Then they raise the baby begrudgingly because,
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and then they view this child as having stole their childhood and they resent
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this child and that carries on for years because a child is a burden.
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It's no way to put it. No other way to put it. A child is a burden.
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It's a lot of, it's resource intensive a child is.
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You got to feed the thing. You got to keep it alive. You got to change the diapers.
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When it cries, you've got to feed it.
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But furthermore, you've got to love it, and you've got to give it affection.
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And you can give it surface-level affection, but sooner or later,
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when a child grows a little bit, it starts to seed surface-level affection. And what does that do?
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Well, I'm going to do what gets me that surface-level affection,
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but then when I want the affection.
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And then everything becomes transactional after that, and it's an emotional
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manipulation after that.
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Yeah parents can resent their children all right i didn't mean to get on that
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really i'm just saying it's out there.
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What's something else that you see a lot now look i'm an only child i'm i had
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a stepbrother for a short period of time and i'm not sure we had any we had
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a little rivalry but i don't think there was any resentment there,
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but that was only a short very short period of time.
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So everything I'm about to deliver here is my interpretation based on what I
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see and what I've studied for sure, but I've seen this in action as well.
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But the sibling dynamics, man, that's a different game right there.
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That's a different game.
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So decades later, you may be in your 30s or 40s or 50s, and still you and your
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sibling, one or multiple,
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squabble over the same argument that you've been having for 30 years.
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That's a resentment. And who knows what it comes from?
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You think, and usually it's something like, well, mom loved you more or mom
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did more for you or whatever like that.
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And that's, who knows, that may or may not be true. Yeah.
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Maybe, maybe you got more toys or maybe you got more praise.
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And then one was, one sibling was judged harsher than the other for whatever reason.
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And more importantly, one got more love than the other, more affection. Excuse me.
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And then as adults, you look at, well, outward shows of, of,
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of like success or whatnot, money or happiness, perceived happiness, marriage or whatnot.
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And then that one appears to be doing very well. And then the other gets further,
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asked up because they feel like they're not doing as well.
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So there's a resentment that,
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why is he doing so well? Is it because he had a better childhood than me? Mom loved him more.
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You know, crap like that. It's weird.
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But it exacerbates your own sense of failure or whatnot if one is wildly successful
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and the other isn't. that's a thing, I guess.
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So all that scorekeeping you did as a kid and all the, the, what turned out
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is, is harmless little rivalry now turns into like lifelong scorekeeping and blame gaming.
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And I see that as silly personally, but again, I didn't have any brothers,
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sisters, so maybe I'm, Maybe I'm just uninformed.
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But what I do know, though, is that this dynamic that I've just described,
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well, like most things, like most problems in this world, is probably a direct
30:55
result of poor communication. Yeah.
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Incomplete information. You think you know what you know, and you only know 30% of the matter.
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So now I do know from experience that parents are not neutral observers when
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you have multiple. I got three kids.
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And parents,
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you almost have to respond. Well, you do. You have to respond to each individual
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child in their own way because they all have different temperaments and different personalities.
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And I know there's parents out there that think everything's got to be even
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Steven. I got to treat them all the same. I got to buy it. Everyone gets a sucker.
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Everyone gets a dinosaur.
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If one gets one, everybody gets one.
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I don't necessarily agree with that. I don't necessarily agree with that,
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but I do know that you have to look, that children are individuals,
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no matter how many you got.
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And so you have to respond to them accordingly.
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One may not respond to one form of discipline or whatever, the way another does.
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And so you respond in order to get a desired effect.
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So it's not blanket. It's not generalized.
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And so what looked like favoritism to you,
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may have been what's called differential investment. You're just going based on the crisis at hand.
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I'm solving this problem at hand, and I'm fixing this need in the moment.
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I can't apply my everybody's even Steven to this event.
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And so that looks like favoritism if it didn't go down as harshly or whatever as you think.
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But what, in my opinion, is what some of these siblings don't see,
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and this was true with my children, is what they don't see is when they're the
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receiver of the preferential treatment.
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They see when the other one's getting treated nicely, you know, for whatever reason.
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But they don't see when they're the one getting the benefit of it.
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So, and then as we become adults, we remember like, oh, he got treated better.
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But you don't remember the times you got treated. Do you see?
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And then you hold on to that and then it fades away.
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You just remember the bad stuff because we tend to remember bad stuff. I don't know.
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That's it. So you don't see when you get it. And you do. You have gotten preferential
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treatment at some point. Most likely.
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Then as adults,
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you might see your successful sibling as,
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well, everything's handed to them. It's all easy, but you don't see the burden.
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You don't see the work, the real work that gets put in.
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Yeah. Or furthermore, not that you don't see the burden of the successful sibling,
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You may just have trouble seeing your own value and your own worth.
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And that's probably from a whole other psychological problem.
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So maybe you're kind of projecting a little bit. You know what I'm saying?
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So lesson there is see your own value, see your own worth, and be successful
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in your own metric, in your own way.
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Be successful by your standard, not theirs. Because they may be different standards altogether.
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And, you know, as children, right, you may look back and there may have been
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some genuine unfairness there.
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Maybe. Maybe there was. And we all like to externalize our angst and,
35:08
you know, dissatisfaction a little bit. And it shows in different ways, but...
35:14
If we make, who's better, you know, if we're always going back and forth with
35:18
who's better based on just the individual, they are what they are, and I am what I am.
35:30
That's because the outcomes of what we grew up to be, yeah, by how we were raised,
35:34
for sure, that's the foundation.
35:36
And yeah, our siblings probably had a lot to do with our development.
35:43
It. Now I happen, I think all three of my kids are pretty close and I'm, I like that.
35:48
I'm proud of that to a degree. I don't know how much that had to do with me.
35:52
I know me and mom tried to keep it all together and tight.
35:57
But I don't think they nowadays, and they range from 24 to 31.
36:04
And I don't think that they're very judgmental. They're all very individual.
36:09
Like, Hey, I'm doing my, I'm on my path, man.
36:12
I don't have time to stand in judgment of my brother and my sister.
36:17
I got, I got, I got work to do. And they're all kind of like that, I think.
36:23
So if we, if we judge each other, if who's better and who had more preference,
36:28
that's just going to harden us up, man.
36:31
And I'm all about being hard. You know what I mean? I came up that way and I'm
36:37
looking back on it and it didn't serve me well,
36:41
being resilient is one thing but being a heart hardened in your personality
36:45
is a different it has not served me well,
36:49
has not served me well and we don't want that we don't because when we're hard
36:54
like that our conversations are are strained,
36:58
you know what i mean our holiday gatherings are maybe ticking time bombs somebody says the wrong thing,
37:06
you blow up on them f off i'm out of here and then everybody involved.
37:15
Whoever the good sibling is and the bad sibling, you both lose the closeness
37:22
and the possibility of being more like teammates than enemies,
37:29
to get that mutual support as adults that we all need, folks.
37:34
We all need that mutual support. I wish that I had a brother or a sister to call on.
37:42
The closest I have is my cousin and he lives in Oklahoma.
37:49
The next closest I have is my best friend, Timmy, but I've never had a sibling that I could rely on.
37:58
And that's what you need. We need support as adults, everything in the modern
38:03
day, especially with the economy and just the cost of living and everything, everything's a,
38:13
it's, it's better attacked as a team.
38:16
That's why husbands and wives, if they can hold it together and work as a team,
38:22
you can navigate life a little better, a little easier.
38:26
And if you've got siblings, strong siblings that you can depend on and love
38:30
and not judge, you can come together as a team and help each other out.
38:36
Understanding each other's quirks
38:38
and understanding each other's flaws and knowing each other's foibles.
38:45
You can work as a team and help each other out. Mutual support as adults. Imagine that.
38:53
You don't have to go it alone. All right. The next example I'm going to talk
38:58
about, I have seen this and experienced this, and hell, I still kind of hold on to it.
39:07
I don't want to say that I harbor deep, deep resentment, but there are a few people in my career.
39:17
I wouldn't piss on if they were on fire. That's all I can say about it.
39:23
It shows up at work, doesn't it? Yeah. There are people.
39:30
Who harbor deep, deep resentment for either a boss or a co-worker,
39:38
or something like that. Okay, let's start with a boss.
39:43
Why would you resent your boss? They gave you a job. They hired you, man.
39:47
But then you get there and,
39:51
you know, because now you're an employee, some bosses are very,
39:56
well, I'm saying bosses, some people are like this. It's just a personality
40:01
flaw where they, and now you work for me and now they basically think you're their slave.
40:06
And they can, and they think because you work for them, they can disregard any
40:11
niceties and common respect manners.
40:17
I'm always talking about manners.
40:21
But the boss may, you know, they just don't recognize your efforts.
40:25
You think you're doing hard and going above and beyond, and they're just whatever.
40:32
Maybe they don't, well, they don't hit the leadership buttons,
40:36
right? They don't provide clear purpose or clear direction.
40:42
And every day you're like, well, I guess I'll do this today.
40:45
Our bosses don't back the team.
40:47
I see this a lot. I know a lot of police and, you know, the guys on the streets
40:51
are guys on the streets, but then the next level of leadership,
40:56
well, the immediate, they might back the cops, right?
40:59
But then the headshed will throw dudes under the bus, and that creates a negative environment.
41:08
So now you've got cops who operate on a cover-your-own-ass basis as opposed
41:13
to, I'm going to do what's right, and I know the headshed's going to back me.
41:20
So that creates a little resentment, or creates a little resentment.
41:25
Or what about colleagues?
41:29
You might so in the army there's and it's probably with the cops too I'm sure
41:36
it is but you got dudes who are overachievers who are superheroes,
41:41
they got it all man they came up in the perfect environment they're physically fit good looking,
41:49
brilliant.
41:52
Problem solvers nice even tan probably well hung got perfect eyes perfect hair,
42:03
can do no wrong charming as hell everybody loves him.
42:12
It might make you feel less than. It might make you feel less than.
42:17
And therefore, you have a little resentment. Like, F this guy.
42:22
And then, you know, because they're so God dang charming, the boss loves them. He's the go-to guy.
42:30
Boss comes in and just pumps them up.
42:33
And you're over there just working like a Hebrew slave, man. working you get nothing.
42:46
Resent that guy, but the reality is that guy's probably pulling a heavy load
42:51
on that team, and he's a value-added, right? Probably. Maybe.
42:59
Unless he starts writing books and whatnot. But then there's the other guy, the underachiever.
43:07
How did this guy get here? Who thought that this guy deserved to be standing here today?
43:15
He F's everything everything he touches he bumbles it,
43:20
he's awkward as hell he can't have a can't have a reasonable conversation always
43:26
says the wrong thing always mis-assesses the environment and the situation,
43:36
marginal performer somebody's always got to pick up his slack yeah You resent that guy.
43:44
Why do I got to carry this guy's load?
43:50
It's all there, man. Both ends of the spectrum. It's always there in almost every workplace.
43:56
You can find a dynamic that matches that.
44:00
The causes vary, man. The bosses, you know, your boss might just genuinely be
44:07
green and not have any leadership skills, and he means no ill will.
44:12
He just don't know what he's doing.
44:14
Or he might be good at the job, and because he's been around longest, he's the boss.
44:20
But he lacks any leadership skills whatsoever.
44:25
Or he lacks any emotional intelligence. Any of you ever have a young boss,
44:30
younger than you, like much younger than you?
44:33
And he lacks any real maturity and emotional intelligence?
44:38
Everything he says, it sounds like your teenage son talking back to you. And you're like, yeah.
44:46
Then some coworkers are out there just gaming the system. They're just there
44:50
for the paycheck. They'll do minimum, bare minimum to get the paycheck.
44:55
Once somebody wants them to work, I'm out.
45:00
So the reasons vary.
45:04
But again, the resentment starts with partial information and lack of communication.
45:11
Your boss might be under pressure from his boss, and you don't see that.
45:16
But that's what's going on. So, and he's just not dealing with it. Well.
45:23
The overachiever might be overachieving because he's trying to make up for some,
45:27
some weakness that he, he's trying to hide or he knows he has.
45:32
So he's trying to mask it, but like make up overcompensate maybe,
45:38
or maybe he's not well hung. Maybe he has a really small penis.
45:40
So he's trying to work super hard to be, you know, whatever overcompensate.
45:46
And you don't know what he's hiding or you don't know what's going on outside of work.
45:51
You just see what's presented to you right there. It's lack of information.
45:55
Yeah. And then the underachiever, man, that dude might be struggling.
46:01
He might have a kid who's terminally ill and his focus is 100% on that.
46:09
And he's got to come to work because he's got to have to paycheck.
46:13
But his mind is always on his kids.
46:20
So it's a lack of information, usually, and we don't know what the hell's going on.
46:26
We think we know what's going on because we think we're all brilliant. Yeah.
46:31
So instead of picking up the bitterness, you know, be curious. Seek clarity. Yeah.
46:40
Because the bitterness...
46:43
Negative for sure. But if we try to communicate a little better and look,
46:50
yes, have boundaries and have set healthy boundaries.
46:56
You know, you don't have the right to go to a co-worker and delve into their personal life, really.
47:04
But you can be smart about that.
47:09
But if you don't do clear communication have good boundaries or how have an exit strategy,
47:16
because if you're in a situation that's making you bitter why stay there beat
47:23
it so have an exit strategy,
47:26
but if you don't have those things in place in a plan then you're losing your
47:31
own individual agency and your ability to respond more healthy as opposed to less healthy.
47:37
Because what you don't want is for your productivity to drop.
47:41
You don't want your collaboration with your co-workers to suffer.
47:46
And you certainly don't want to be the guy, the angry guy that people avoid.
47:53
You don't want to be that guy.
47:55
Because now they're looking at you. You've got the high achiever,
47:58
the low achiever. Now you got the, there's the angry guy and nobody wants to deal with you.
48:03
So across all these examples, there's a few themes there. One,
48:07
there's, there's either real or perceived injustice or unfairness or mistreatment,
48:15
possibly unmet expectations on your behalf.
48:19
And then there's a comparison of status, right? He's up here, I'm down here.
48:27
As always though, there's the need for human recognition, man.
48:33
We want to be seen.
48:37
And then we got our own cognitive factors that, well, we get in this cycle of,
48:43
rumination where we're always going back to the negative thing,
48:47
always going back to the negative thing.
48:50
And then that causes us to have an assumption that the person we resent,
48:56
we think that everything, there's a negative intent.
49:01
We think that everything they say, no matter how innocuous, no matter how kind,
49:07
we think there's some secret malicious intent there.
49:13
It's unhealthy, man. and we have a tendency to freeze a person in their worst
49:19
moment as opposed to their best and i'll tell you a thing that you hear in special
49:22
forces all the time and it's horrible and it's terrible but this is the way it is,
49:29
you're only as good as your last fuck up.
49:33
Matter what you've done before in sf,
49:38
you do a fucked up thing and that's that's it boom that's what they see and
49:42
that will last it don't matter how much of a superhero you are it don't matter what you do after that,
49:52
you're only as good as your last fuck up that's a very negative thing And it's too bad about that.
50:00
And potentially that culture may be changing. I don't know.
50:05
But all these things compound, folks. And the resentment, I've said the word curiosity a few times.
50:15
The resentment crowds out that curiosity. You're no longer willing to be curious,
50:21
about a person's state of existence.
50:24
You're not willing to ask.
50:27
You're not willing to bring down your barrier a little bit to ask the question.
50:34
And it crowds out our ability to have some gratitude for one's, to have some gratitude.
50:43
Just gratitude, just being thankful to be alive. Never mind the way somebody treats you or whatever.
50:52
What else that does, folks, never mind emotionally and all that,
50:56
on a professional level,
50:58
that resentment hinders your creative problem solving because it's a filter,
51:04
in there and it's a filter that doesn't need to be in there to help you solve
51:10
a problem most efficiently.
51:13
The resentment also fuels anxiety, health, possibly even depression.
51:21
And you're living with this, you know, pervasive sense of like,
51:27
like you're powerless to, to affect change on anything.
51:32
And externally, well, yeah, it damages relationships. That's it.
51:37
Relationships that might otherwise be, be repaired and be renewed and become supportive.
51:45
But you can't get past that resentment.
51:49
Over the years, folks,
51:52
it will shrink your world to where you have less or fewer authentic human connections.
52:05
You're willing to take fewer risks on people or on jobs or anything.
52:13
And you spend all that energy replaying these old slights in your head.
52:20
And what's the ultimate cost here, folks?
52:24
The ultimate cost of this resentment is your freedom. Yep.
52:29
It takes away your freedom to respond to life as it is.
52:35
And the resentment forces you to respond to life as it was. It's not healthy.
52:43
All right. So, as always, good people, you know that all the things I talk about,
52:48
I try to provide some thoughts on practical application.
52:55
What good is all this if I don't give you some way forward, right?
53:00
Well, obviously, it starts with working on yourself. Right.
53:05
Maturity is, well, I mean, the capacity to see other people,
53:14
well, to see our reactions,
53:18
from a distance, right?
53:22
And not being owned by that reaction, not being so wrapped up in the moment
53:27
that we can't step back and see how our reaction is affecting others.
53:32
And that that reaction may or may not be warranted.
53:37
So we got to have that maturity to be able to see, like, is this the appropriate reaction to this thing?
53:43
We got to take an inventory of ourselves and of those reactions, right?
53:50
And those, whatever perceived causes, what part of this is pain from the original injury, old stuff,
54:00
and what part of this is my own unmet needs that are being projected outward.
54:10
And this examination of ourselves, right, the way...
54:16
Mean we have to blame ourselves. That's not what self-examination is.
54:22
It's just taking ownership of your own mental and emotional state of mind.
54:29
We don't have to blame ourselves if we're not to blame. If we are to blame,
54:32
then we have to be able to do that.
54:36
If we're able to release this resentment, folks, that we hold for our mom,
54:42
or our brother or sister or our co-worker or boss and find a little bit of internal
54:49
peace, right, for ourselves,
54:54
that frees up space on our hard drive for other things.
54:59
We increase our capacity when we delete junk files. And when you no longer need that resentment.
55:09
To explain your pain or to protect your personal identity as a victim,
55:19
then we're able to free up space, folks. We're freeing up space in our hard drive.
55:24
And I'm going to say a word here. Be with me. Forgiveness.
55:30
Forgiveness is not a capitulation to your perceived wrongdoer,
55:39
and it's not a free pass for your perceived wrongdoer,
55:44
and it doesn't require, forgiveness does not require full-on reconciliation.
55:51
It doesn't even require an apology.
55:54
Forgiveness ultimately is your decision to stop carrying around that emotional
56:00
baggage that's weighing you down that emotional weight,
56:06
that's what forgiveness is it's it's a very unique act of self-liberation folks for.
56:19
And that forgiveness is you refusing to let another person's past actions live rent-free in your mind.
56:32
Free up that space, folks. Free up that hard drive. Get rid of the junk files.
56:40
I recognize that it's a process, good people. Nothing's instant.
56:45
Nothing is instant. There is no easy fix. for any of this.
56:51
And when you get into these deep emotional issues, the deeper, the more complex.
56:57
And you, going through this process may involve you grieving over what you think you lost.
57:06
And it probably requires a very clear-eyed acknowledgement of the harm that was done, for sure.
57:16
But you can acknowledge the harm and then move on. Some people have never acknowledged the harm.
57:22
I can tell you, I'm not going to tell you this story, but there is a family
57:27
member in my life that I have deep resentment for,
57:32
and did harm me. And I've never really acknowledged that harm because it was
57:40
physical for sure, but it was less physical than it was emotional or mental. It was mental.
57:45
Yeah. It's a process.
57:49
Acknowledge. Acknowledge things. And then we can start to, you know,
57:54
well, we need to be deliberate about regulating our emotions. Okay.
58:01
Through this process and you're consistent about it and you stick with it,
58:06
people who have done this, and I mean clinically, people who have done this,
58:11
they report back with, you know, having better clarity, lighter relationships,
58:18
and like new improved capacity to be proactive based on their own choices rather
58:26
than reacting to old patterns and solving a problem from an old filter.
58:34
And what they've done and what we should all do is we have to own our own response,
58:39
the way we respond to these slights.
58:42
And we have to actively and proactively seek out, well, some level of understanding,
58:50
if it's available, and then set our boundaries where we need to set them and stick to them.
58:58
And then ultimately kind of release the negative judgment that we use,
59:04
that filter that we use, that we judge through the filter of that negativity.
59:09
We've got to get rid of that.
59:11
And then more importantly, oh, good people.
59:17
We want the kind of freedom that requires zero external validation from anyone.
59:29
We need to get out of that seeking external validation.
59:35
And in that freedom, then we have the possibility of live full lives and be
59:41
present in the moment rather than living in a permanent.
59:47
State of resentment and living endless cycle, just constantly bringing up the miserable past. Yeah.
59:59
Those are my thoughts on it, folks.
1:00:01
I thought it was a good topic, and I'm glad my sister-in-law suggested it.
1:00:08
Give me your feedback. You dealing with any of that kind of stuff with your
1:00:13
family. Now, look, good people.
1:00:18
What was notable that I didn't talk about? I talked about adult children and parental resentment.
1:00:25
And I talked about adult sibling resentment.
1:00:29
And I talked about workplace resentment. What's the notable big one that I didn't talk about. Yeah.
1:00:39
Husband and wife, spousal resentment.
1:00:44
Using it here. I didn't talk about it because there's so much.
1:00:49
I didn't want to do a frigging three-hour episode.
1:00:54
But yeah, that's there, good people, the spousal resentment.
1:00:58
And I'm going to visit that. I'm going to visit that. I'm going to do a little research.
1:01:04
Obviously, I've been married for a really long time. I've got some personal insights to share.
1:01:11
And we all probably have some good insights to share on that.
1:01:14
Every one of you, if you're married and have been, or if you have good mates,
1:01:20
that are married or whatnot.
1:01:24
We've all seen it. Or even with our parents.
1:01:27
Yeah, we can even see it through our parents. The spousal resentment, folks.
1:01:34
So yeah, put a pin in that one. Put a pin in that one. It's a big one. Okay.
1:01:40
Good people. Again, appreciate you all for being loyal listeners.
1:01:49
What we have coming up for shooting, we have on August the 8th, a pistol workshop.
1:01:58
We're going to be working on priority of efforts, efficient movement,
1:02:03
vision at speed, efficient target transitions.
1:02:07
It's going to be a good time.
1:02:10
On 22 August, we have the wild card day. That's a random drills shot out of
1:02:15
the drill index card deck.
1:02:18
We analyze them for their validity and the methodology and are they good for training or not.
1:02:27
And then you may have an opportunity to shoot for the Blackjack 33 coin. Okay.
1:02:33
In for that. All right. Then on 12 September, we have armed self-defense, force on force.
1:02:43
That one, again, I always describe it as being an eye-opener.
1:02:48
It's scenario-based, and it's, yes, you're going to be armed,
1:02:53
but it's, and yes, you're going to be held to a marksmanship standard.
1:02:57
However, this is decision-making under stress, folks. This is, do you think.
1:03:05
Can you successfully negotiate an armed robbery in a parking lot, for instance?
1:03:11
It's such a good course. I love doing it.
1:03:15
October 3rd. What happens on October 3rd, folks, every year?
1:03:19
Well, around the weekend of October 3rd every year, we have the OSS Challenge Mogadishu Mile.
1:03:28
That is a two-gun, and it's very physical.
1:03:32
Think maybe similar to the tactical games or something like that.
1:03:36
You'll be doing some physical stuff.
1:03:39
Maybe doing a rope bridge across a pond, climbing ropes, dragging a rescue Randy,
1:03:44
etc., that kind of thing.
1:03:47
And that's done to commemorate, obviously, the Battle of Mogadishu,
1:03:51
Operation Gothic Serpent.
1:03:54
And we do that to promote Three Rangers Foundation. So on 10 October,
1:04:00
we have the Noche match. That's a pistol match.
1:04:03
And that's clearly to commemorate the fall of a murder and communist.
1:04:11
Before October, we have a dynamic everyday carry course.
1:04:16
What makes it dynamic is that, yeah, we're going to be in the classroom for
1:04:20
a little bit, but we're going to integrate a lot of movement with our concealed
1:04:25
carry techniques and stuff.
1:04:29
That's a good one. 31 October, good people, we have the Battle of Rome.
1:04:36
The idea for that was conceived by my friend Cooper and Brooke.
1:04:42
And that we were originally going to do that just for Rome Strength and Fitness,
1:04:47
members, but we're opening that up to everybody, and that's a pistol-only match,
1:04:53
but it's also similar to the Moog Mile.
1:04:56
There's physical events going on. It's going to be CrossFit-oriented physical events.
1:05:01
It's going to be a good time. I think we're going to do four stages on that,
1:05:07
and so it's going to be fitness and and pistol shooting and it's going to be
1:05:12
fun and we're going to try to make it unique and and and whatnot so get out
1:05:17
there it's up on the website and then as always we have private sessions available folks as always,
1:05:23
so that's what's going on in the shooting world.
1:05:27
Folks, on OspreyShootingSolutions.com backslash consulting.
1:05:33
I have uploaded a couple of free downloads for you to use.
1:05:44
They're very, well, they're critical, really.
1:05:47
And if you haven't put a lot of thought into your church security,
1:05:50
well, I have a free church security checklist that you can download.
1:05:54
And it's pretty goddamn thorough.
1:05:57
And then if you're a missionary type or an overseas traveler where you go to,
1:06:03
you know, semi-permissive environments, third world countries that are potentially dangerous,
1:06:08
I have a travel slash work abroad checklist and some guidance in there.
1:06:14
And it's, again, it's very thorough.
1:06:16
And that guidance is all pulled out of my safe module one that I've been working
1:06:20
on, the security awareness of foreign environments.
1:06:23
And folks, I keep saying I've been working hard on it. I can't tell you the value there.
1:06:32
It's critical stuff. It's critical stuff. And the problem is you don't know
1:06:37
what you don't know. You don't know what you don't have.
1:06:40
So it's here for you to look at and to think about.
1:06:44
Then also I have the safe flyer download there for those of you who want to look at it.
1:06:51
Again, it's targeting missionaries. It's targeting humanitarian nonprofits,
1:06:57
targeting international salespeople, international journalists,
1:07:02
independent journalists who travel abroad alone and unafraid.
1:07:07
This training is geared toward all those people.
1:07:10
So look at the safe security awareness in foreign environments.
1:07:17
And then don't forget about two team guys. Good people. Don't forget about two team guys.
1:07:23
They're on demand, right? On demand. We have land navigation. We have a workshop.
1:07:28
We have a two-day land nav, and then we have a three-day land nav that's an overnighter.
1:07:34
We have a search and rescue mountaineer course that very possibly is going to
1:07:39
be coming up in late fall of this year in conjunction with Nathan over at Higher Ground.
1:07:50
Situational Awareness course that can be done standalone, that's also a part of the SAFE program.
1:07:58
We have a long-range evasion course that can also be done standalone,
1:08:04
but is also integrated into the SAFE program.
1:08:10
We have small unit missions, and that's operator-type stuff.
1:08:17
It's not a training course so much as it's a big scenario, good time.
1:08:23
You're going to learn a lot of things.
1:08:25
There's so much leadership and team development in there, but it's fun.
1:08:29
You get to be an operator for a couple of days.
1:08:33
And then we have the Surviving Captivity course, folks. That course, again, standalone,
1:08:40
but it is the SAFE module two is purely based off surviving captivity and it,
1:08:48
and it has been broken down in the smaller chunks as a curriculum.
1:08:53
So it can be done standalone also.
1:08:57
So all those things are out there at Two Team Guys. You need four or more people to do these things.
1:09:03
And if you have four or more people and you're interested in one of these courses,
1:09:07
we will put it, we'll put it together and get it on the calendar.
1:09:11
All right and then there's the jinto podcast.com you listen to me right now
1:09:16
so thank you so much wherever you listen thank you so much but but there's a website also,
1:09:23
all right good people i can't express my appreciate appreciation to you enough,
1:09:29
thank you so much i love you guys take care and be safe.