Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 220. Pregnancy, A break up & Grief: What Now?

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220. Pregnancy, A break up & Grief: What Now? · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Apologie production an easier advice. Are you okay? What happened?
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: Promise it won't be too much. Bring it in. Welcome
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: to our Bestie segment. This is the place for you.
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: Hello everybody, Welcome back to she Rises. It is a
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: best each time of the week if you're new here.
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: This is where we get an anonymous submission. So one
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  Speaker 1: of our beautiful audience members has written in about her
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  Speaker 1: sticker situation or just maybe she needs to vent about
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: something and getting some sisterhood, girly best friend advice, just
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  Speaker 1: like we would give each other. We don't know who's
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: written in. It's completely anonymous, so it is safe. You
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  Speaker 1: can bring whatever you want in and we'll get straight
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: into it. Yeah, may or may not be unhinged, but
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  Speaker 1: I'm sure it will be great. Today's topic is pregnant
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  Speaker 1: in the season of grief. What now?
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  Speaker 2: Yes, and I meant that I meant unhinged in terms
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  Speaker 2: of our advice, not the submission.
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  Speaker 1: Just for clarify, king, we are very unqualified. I'm kidding
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  Speaker 1: last time I know it.
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  Speaker 2: Actually one giggles best the advice. This is not medical advice.
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  Speaker 1: Now's the graines oft stile. People say that, all right?
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  Speaker 1: Let's do it, Hi, girls.
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  Speaker 2: I have recently come out of an eleven year relationship
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  Speaker 2: with whom I had been with since we were seventeen.
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  Speaker 2: It ended very abruptly due to me discovering his drug addiction.
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  Speaker 2: Oh shit, he has since the breakup four months ago,
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  Speaker 2: destroyed our business, left me in such a financial burden,
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  Speaker 2: and our two sons without their father. To say the
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  Speaker 2: grief is unbearable. Is the tip of the iceberg. I
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  Speaker 2: hate him so much for doing this to my family
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  Speaker 2: and have tried to get him sober this whole time
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  Speaker 2: so that he didn't burn everything to the ground and
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  Speaker 2: without any luck. As anyone who has dealt with an
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  Speaker 2: addiction will know that they can only help themselves. I
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  Speaker 2: logged onto a dating app to distract myself, which seems immature,
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  Speaker 2: but honestly self sabotaging. This was much easier for me
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  Speaker 2: to digest than for matching my ex with substances. I
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  Speaker 2: met this guy who was seven years older than me.
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  Speaker 2: Our chemistry is amazing, and of course he says all
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  Speaker 2: the right things.
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  Speaker 1: Turns out, I'm to this man.
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  Speaker 2: I'm completely vulnerable, but in a state where my ex
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  Speaker 2: thinks he can just throw our whole lives away and
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  Speaker 2: come back when he is ready. I really like this
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  Speaker 2: new guy, but we've only been around each other at
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  Speaker 2: least ten times. If that, I know it's not the
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  Speaker 2: right way to bring a child into the world. My
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  Speaker 2: children are ten and eight years old. I just feel
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  Speaker 2: like this is the start of something new for me.
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  Speaker 2: Is this completely delusional?
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  Speaker 1: Ah? Only you have the answer to that. And obviously
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  Speaker 1: it's going to depend on your beliefs around pregnancy and
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  Speaker 1: keeping babies. And yeah, it's a tough one. I honestly
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  Speaker 1: think the universe is ten SUPs ahead of us and
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  Speaker 1: has a plan for you. And if this man is
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  Speaker 1: someone that you connect with and you feel safe with
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  Speaker 1: and it feels right, then it feels right.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: I don't know. Just it feels like maybe this is
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  Speaker 1: all happening for the right reasons. And I think we
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  Speaker 1: would ever regret babies, say, oh, blessings, And there's no
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  Speaker 1: right or wrong time on when you can have a
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  Speaker 1: baby with someone Like, yes, you want to get to
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  Speaker 1: know them first and make sure you feel safe. But
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  Speaker 1: if he's providing all of that this early on, then
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  Speaker 1: maybe it is to be Oh.
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  Speaker 2: I'm also sorry to hear about like your eleven year relationship,
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  Speaker 2: like that would be really really hard, especially with our
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  Speaker 2: drug addiction.
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  Speaker 1: Like I can my children.
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  Speaker 2: I can't say that I can relate to that in
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  Speaker 2: terms of having been through that before, but I definitely
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  Speaker 2: empathize with the fact of how challenging that would.
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  Speaker 1: Be to have found out.
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  Speaker 2: And I think like the biggest thing that like, this
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  Speaker 2: is the first thing that comes to my mind. Again,
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  Speaker 2: take this with a grain of salt, But the first
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  Speaker 2: thing that comes to my mind is like, just check
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  Speaker 2: with yourself that this doesn't come from a place of
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  Speaker 2: wanting to fix how you're feeling in your life.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, some people think of babies going to solve a problems.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah it doesn't, and a lot of that. It's not
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  Speaker 1: just babies.
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  Speaker 2: People do it with relationships, People do it with money, rolls,
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  Speaker 2: buying things. You know, we tend to make decisions because
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  Speaker 2: we want relief from something else a distraction more a distraction.
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  Speaker 2: And again, like what actually said, like I'm not a
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  Speaker 2: parent as well, so please take this with a grain
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  Speaker 2: of salt. But obviously children are so beautiful and like
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  Speaker 2: you would never regret having them or anything like that,
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  Speaker 2: But does it come from a good place and I
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  Speaker 2: think that's something that you can always just check in
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  Speaker 2: with yourself and just really see where you're currently at. Obviously,
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  Speaker 2: you went through a lot of chaos with your ex,
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  Speaker 2: and you know, having gone through that and dealing with that,
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  Speaker 2: and you're probably still healing from that definitely, and this
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  Speaker 2: new man can be so beautiful for you. Yeah, it
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  Speaker 2: can be beautiful. But is it like the right way
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  Speaker 2: to bring a baby into the world.
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  Speaker 1: I don't know, And it's not something we can give
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  Speaker 1: advice on it in the way of yeah, like we
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  Speaker 1: don't know your views on abortions, and I know it's
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  Speaker 1: a very controversial topic, but I think everyone's entitled to
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  Speaker 1: make their own decisions. And sometimes the environment isn't right
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  Speaker 1: for you or the baby, or like where are you
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  Speaker 1: at mentally and emotionally are you feeling okay to have
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  Speaker 1: another child? Because parenting is not easy, especially when you're
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  Speaker 1: dealing with an ext drug addict and you've got two
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  Speaker 1: young children that you're already bringing up. By the sounds
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  Speaker 1: of things, solo, there's a lot of things to consider.
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  Speaker 1: So but I think deep down, I won't even use
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  Speaker 1: that word delusion or like, how do you feel, how
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  Speaker 1: do you feel where you're at. Where do you see
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  Speaker 1: yourself with this man? Is this the man you feel
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  Speaker 1: so safe with you see a future with, like you're
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  Speaker 1: in a good space to have another baby. I think
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  Speaker 1: there's a lot more deeper questions to ask yourself absolutely
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  Speaker 1: before you make your decision.
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  Speaker 2: Absolutely, And then also as well, there's like a financial
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  Speaker 2: aspect to it as well. Yeah, do you feel you know,
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  Speaker 2: obviously your ex partner you've said, has burned down your
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  Speaker 2: business and like kind of burnt it to the ground,
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  Speaker 2: So I know that there would be potentially financial pressure
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  Speaker 2: for you at the moment, and it's like taking into
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  Speaker 2: consideration that also babies, it's another financial investment.
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  Speaker 1: Does that impact you're older too as well? He's still
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  Speaker 1: able to provide for them?
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  Speaker 2: Yeap, Yeah, I guess you know. Also, was it an accident?
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  Speaker 2: You know? Is this something that you and this new
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  Speaker 2: man have spoken about?
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  Speaker 1: Like? How open are you guys?
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  Speaker 2: You know?
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  Speaker 1: Is it just like how does you feel about it?
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  Speaker 2: Are you guys in a position where it feels like
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  Speaker 2: serious straight away? Like that? I think all of those
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  Speaker 2: things are worth taking into consideration because I've had.
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  Speaker 1: Friends that have got with a partner and within two
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  Speaker 1: or three months, they're pregnant, and they're still together ten
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  Speaker 1: years later. You know. That's why I don't think there's a
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  Speaker 1: time of like, oh, you've got to be with someone
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  Speaker 1: for x amount of time, like sometimes when you know,
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: you know. I do think it's smarter to get to
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  Speaker 1: know someone and to wait. A couple we is, travel
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  Speaker 1: with them, live with them, See how they handle conflict,
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  Speaker 1: See they handle tough situations, money stress, See how they communicate,
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  Speaker 1: See their flaws, their traumas, their triggers, their awareness. There's
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  Speaker 1: so much that you can explore. So I think if
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  Speaker 1: you can take the time to get to know someone,
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  Speaker 1: you don't. I talk about this all the time. When
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  Speaker 1: she meets someone, I'm like, it's there's no rush. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: you know. But also sometimes the universe has all the
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  Speaker 1: plans and it just works. Yeah, every situation is so
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  Speaker 1: unique and different and there's just not a blanket rule
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  Speaker 1: of what's right or wrong, you know, But.
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  Speaker 2: Just be willing to ask yourself these questions, yes, you know,
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  Speaker 2: especially like yeah, I think the context of how you
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  Speaker 2: met is also important, Like was there an intention to
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  Speaker 2: just date loosely or is this like you just.
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  Speaker 1: Got it sounded like it was a destruction, Like was
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  Speaker 1: it just some fun?
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  Speaker 2: Are you just like looking for fun and then this
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  Speaker 2: has come about, or is it like, are you looking
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  Speaker 2: for a new life partner? Because that's also going to
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  Speaker 2: determine the decision that you make as well.
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  Speaker 1: I think she said she went on a dating site
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  Speaker 1: for distraction, but then she met this man who she
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  Speaker 1: really likes and he's seven years older, and it sounds
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  Speaker 1: like it was a unplanned pregnancy. Yes, I don't want
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  Speaker 1: to say mistake, but oh accident, but unplanned pregnancy. I'm
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  Speaker 1: hoping this man that she's met feels safe and feels
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  Speaker 1: good and she's like, Wow, this could be my next
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  Speaker 1: chapter because at the end of it sounded like that, right,
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  Speaker 1: so this could be really something for me. Yeah, so
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  Speaker 1: I think it's taken her by surprise. If it were
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  Speaker 1: me in this position, what would you ask same questions?
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  Speaker 1: Do you see a future with him? Do you feel
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  Speaker 1: safe with him in your gut? Like does this feel
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  Speaker 1: like the right time for you to have a baby?
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  Speaker 1: And I'd also want to know just the whereabouts of
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: the X and is he rocking up, is he you know,
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  Speaker 1: rocking up drugged? And just the safety of the other
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  Speaker 1: two children as well, I want to make sure all
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  Speaker 1: of that's covered. Yeah, but I'd be asking the exact
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  Speaker 1: same questions. Yeah. Oh that's a tricky one. It's a
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  Speaker 1: tricky one. But I think I do think babies a
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  Speaker 1: huge blessing and I don't think we'd ever regret having them.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: I don't know anyone that's like, oh my gosh, I
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  Speaker 1: never wish I had my baby. It's like, Wow, they
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  Speaker 1: saved me, they saved our family, They gave us so
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  Speaker 1: much joy and hope and love, and yeah, it is
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  Speaker 1: the best ever.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah. I think it's one of those things, hey, where
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  Speaker 2: it's like only like you have the most content of
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  Speaker 2: anyone of where you're at mentally, what you're wanting for.
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  Speaker 1: Yourself as a safety of the other kids.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, and like what you feel is like the right
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  Speaker 2: next steps, Yeah, I think. Yeah, no one can give
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  Speaker 2: you that context because you have all the context. You
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  Speaker 2: know all the things, and if you check in with
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: yourself of all those I think if you listen intently enough,
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  Speaker 2: you will find the answer. Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. And everything's a risk, and there's consequences to every
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: decision we make, and there's pros and cons and hard
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  Speaker 1: moments no matter what you choose.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, Like when I was younger, Like there's an episode
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  Speaker 2: I talk about this in a previous podcast episode, But
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  Speaker 2: I had an abortion when I was eighteen, and not
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  Speaker 2: at all saying that this is your situation or you
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  Speaker 2: have to do this or anything like that. But at
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  Speaker 2: the time, obviously I was with somebody who was not
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: good for me. Yeah, and I was in like a
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: long term relationship of like three years, and long term
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: it's not really that long, that's long enough.
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  Speaker 1: But at the time, I was super young.
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  Speaker 2: I was like fresh eighteen, and I knew at that time,
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: as much as I wanted it to be him for me,
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  Speaker 2: it wasn't the right decision, you know. And so like
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: that was kind of the direction that I took. It's
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: not to say at all that that's the direction you
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: need to take, because it might not be right for you.
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  Speaker 2: You might want to have this baby and like go
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: on to follow this path, and that's beautiful too. But
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  Speaker 2: I think what I'm getting at is, in that moment,
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: even I knew what was right for me, in that
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: moment you listen to that, I was young. I was young,
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: like to make that decision and to hold that feeling
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: of pressure in that moment, it was like I still realize, like,
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  Speaker 2: this isn't This isn't the path I want to go down.
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  Speaker 2: This isn't for me right now, and it will be
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: in the future, but just not right now. Yeah, So
• 9:36
  Speaker 2: that was for me, and so you've got to figure
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: out what that looks like for you.
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: Yeah, we hope that helps and love and update and
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: we're sending you so much love. I can't even imagine.
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: I've known someone that's dealt with a brother that was
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: a drug addict, and it was just so traumatizing to
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: the whole family, Like it must be so hard to
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: watch someone that you love and also to grieve the
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: person you thought they were and then you're watching them
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: be completely different and then burn everything to the ground
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: that you've both worked hard on. And then to also
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: like watch your kids grieve the dad that they don't
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: have anymore, the dad you thought he was going to be,
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: Like they must be missing him and questioning Like eight
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: and ten, I've got a ten year old son, and
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: he is so emotionally aware of to what going on,
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: Like he can feel, he can sense, he asks questions,
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: he's super curious, Like they know they know what's going on,
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: but it's confusing, it's overwhelming. A lot of kids take
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: things on themselves, like I wasn't good enough, or maybe
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: I was the problem, or like what did I do
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: to make dad leave? You know? So it's super important
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: that you're chatting with them and talking with them and
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: making sure they're okay throughout this whole process. And I
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: suppose that's another whole whole kettle of fish as well
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: as like when you're introducing a new man into your
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: relationship and making sure that they get along and that
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: your new partner is willing and okay to take on
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: two little boys like that are are his own? If
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: he's not, like, well, for me, I'd be like, absolutely no,
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: They're a part of me. You know. You'd want someone
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: that treats them like their own, with so much respect
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: and love and safety because kids need that, they need safety,
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: especially from a healthy masculine Absolutely. Yeah, So a lot
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: of questions to ask yourself. But I just don't feel
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: like we have enough context in the message. Wish you
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: knew a little bit more. Why if you're ever writing
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: in for our Bessie submission, the more context you give us,
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: the better make it lengthy, because It's like if we
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: go to each other, we're not missing any detail.
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: No, No, we're sitting there to detail over yo chi
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: literally or some kind of dinner.
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: We know every detail of the whole situation. There is
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: nothing missed. It's like it's someone you've seen once before.
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: I remember them been like, do you tell me Ashley
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: all these details? Absolutely seems like do you tell Tanna everything?
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, yeah, is that a question? Is there
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: any other way? I'm like okay, So yeah, the more
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: context you guys give us a better advice we can give.
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: All right, we'll give us an update. We're sending you
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: so much loved luck with it all. Yeah, you'll know
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: what's right for you.
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: In the end.
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: Definitely, the answers all within us. Hey, yeah, all right,
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: we'll see you soon. Bye, guys,