Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Should You Tell Your Kids You Drank/Used Drugs/Had Premarital Sex?

Transcript

Should You Tell Your Kids You Drank/Used Drugs/Had Premarital Sex? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show, today, we're going to be talking about
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  whether you should tell your children, honestly, the truth.
• 0:13
  When they ask, if you did drugs or drank or had premarital sex
• 0:17
  or whatever and before we get to that, please do subscribe.
• 0:22
  The most recent one was about how men do not only work to
• 0:26
  support their wives. So if they say this because they
• 0:29
  are resentful, then they are saying something that isn't true
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  and we speak about how this Dynamic arises where one partner
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  is the Martyr could be the man or the woman in this case.
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  Usually, it's the man that I see do this and we go into that in
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  depth in the previous bonus episode.
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  Okay, so in my Facebook group, there was some discussion on
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  whether you should be honest with your kids when they ask
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  what you've done. If you've done things that you
• 0:56
  don't want them to do. So let's just get into it up
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  front. Like what you're scared of is
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  being seen like a hypocrite and Because you may say, well, I
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  mean, there's two things, I mean, like so people say, well,
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  I don't want them to feel like if I did it, they can do it.
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  Well, I mean, did you ever try to get your kids to do something
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  by modeling, it for them? Especially your teenager?
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  It's like, where's all the shit that they do?
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  Because you said you did it because parents would they
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  reflect? They like, have this such a
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  positive once they're like, oh my God, I worked so hard.
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  I had two jobs. I always did my homework.
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  I did this good. I That I always played outside.
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  I Never Had video games, because I'm too old to have had video
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  games or whatever. Since, when did they model their
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  lives on? What you did.
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  If it was that easy to make your kid do something, I mean I would
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  love to hear it. Usually the it's the opposite.
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  They will not do anything that you say that you did.
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  And it's interesting because I mean, based on the closeness of
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  the relationship, they may have more or less Affinity with you
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  but still not in my life. Life have I heard somebody say,
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  oh well you know my dad smoked weed so I think it's okay for me
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  to do it. Remember back to being a
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  teenager like, this is what people fail to do when they're
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  raising kids is. Remember what it's like to be a
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  kid. So when I was a kid, my mother
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  told me she waited to have sex until marriage.
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  And I was like, oh my God, I'm never, I'll never be that
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  person. I think I slept with way more
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  people by exponents than I would have.
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  Had she not said that because I was like, well, this is
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  terrible. I don't want to be like her and
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  if you're like, okay, so find those are, you know, a
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  relationship that wasn't good. I on the other hand have a good
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  relationship with my daughter. Really, I'm sure you have a good
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  relationship with your daughter. However, is she modeling her
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  teenage years on what yours were?
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  I've never seen this thing back. Did you model yours on what your
• 2:56
  parents did? I've just never seen it happen.
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  And particularly if you go back to what it was like to actually
• 3:02
  be a teenager, the quickest way to get a kid to do something is
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  to not do it or to not do it, do not do some things for you to do
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  it because they don't think that we are cool, you know and while
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  later in adulthood they met model stuff on what we do,
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  hopefully it's not when they're a teenager.
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  So there's no world that somebody's like you know what I
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  wasn't going to drink but I heard that my dad drink.
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  So I think that I can do it. It's just really this is when
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  the effect of peers is More important than what the parent
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  says about themselves. So what you are losing though is
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  the ability to have a this bonding moment of an open
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  discussion where you act like your shit does stink.
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  Like everyone's and that you are not holier than thou and that
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  you have actually done some stuff that could maybe help you
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  understand them, and where they're at.
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  Because that's the thing that most kids are struggling with is
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  that their parents don't really seem to understand them at all.
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  So if you do say that you had these certainly Experiences.
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  And then be honest about what you liked about them and what
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  you didn't like about them, you know don't be a hypocrite too.
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  So that's the other part. So one part is the true
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  cognitive distortion that somehow our kids are going to
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  model their teenage years on our recounting of our teenage years
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  know. And the people who say like that
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  then they think it's like getting permission.
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  No it's not. Because permission is a totally
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  different thing, a parent gives permission or doesn't give
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  permission Four things, first of all, for younger children.
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  So, there's nobody, that should be getting permission to have
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  sex in, you know, if there are 17, 18 years old, that would be
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  crazy, but it's not a permission thing.
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  It's basically, the parent thinks that somehow it's implied
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  that they're giving permission. If they say that they didn't,
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  but you have a mouth, you can talk.
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  You can say I did have sex earlier than I thought that I
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  should have if that's true, but if it's not and you Add a great
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  sexual relationship with your high school boyfriend.
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  You don't need to get into the ins and outs of that, but you
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  could say, yeah, I did, I had sex with my high school
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  boyfriend, you know, and it was, it was a nice experience for me
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  and then they'll probably be like, ew, mom, you know, but at
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  least they'll think that you're human being that could
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  potentially understand them versus if you're like, oh no,
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  no, I never, I never did that because the thing is, is that we
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  have to respect our bodies. And, and I knew that, you know,
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  as a 17 year old They'll be like God you can't even remotely
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  understand me like the worst case scenarios, they believe
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  you. And then the other bad case
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  scenario which is not better is that they think you're lying.
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  So either, you're a goody two shoes, are your liar, neither of
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  which is going to gain, you any credit or closeness with your
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  kid. Do you have to give details of
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  everything? I smoked weed so much that this
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  and that and this. No, but quite honestly like if
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  you tell a couple stories where you fucked up where you did
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  drink too much and vomited all over yourself.
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  That could be a warning, you know, people do you know tend to
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  remember stories that have some sort of emotional salience and
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  there's nothing more Salient to a kid than embarrassment.
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  So, you know, there's one but like overall are you trying to
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  kind of scare your kids straight?
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  You should not be. Are you trying to lie to your
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  kid thinking that? Then they're going to model
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  themselves after your perfect Paragon, self?
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  No, neither of these are honest or Genuine kids can smell
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  Dishonesty a mile away and hypocrisy now getting back more
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  into the hypocrisy. So there's so many people who
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  are like, oh my God, I would never want my kid to do the
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  stuff that I did but why you did it?
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  You know I mean at least some of it was enjoyable hopefully
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  unless truly your you know, alcoholism did start at a very
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  young age bullshit. That is a that that would be
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  very useful information to your kid.
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  In fact, there are a lot of adults that don't drink because
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  a parent is an alcoholic. I mean that's that's We of
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  people don't use drugs and don't drink, because a parent says
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  that they did have. Even if the kid didn't know
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  them, when they were an alcoholic, they say used to be
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  an alcoholic, right? Used to be a binge Drinker.
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  I used to be addicted to drugs, and that is actually you.
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  That's the information that I see actually makes kids not use.
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  It's certainly not hearing that a parent used makes you want to
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  if it went poorly, but if you say yeah, sometimes I would go
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  out and get drunk with my friends.
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  I had fun just like I'm sure that you might, if you To, you
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  know, it's pretty normal. That makes you seem like a human
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  being who can potentially understand that.
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  If you say that you somehow never drank it, unless you
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  didn't, I mean, if you didn't drink, they've inherited
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  something of you. They may be a lesson Sation
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  seeking seeking person and they made themselves understand?
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  All right. And then it'll seem honest
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  because it is honest. And when they look back at
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  pictures of you, there's no pictures of you with beer, you
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  know. So you're not like lying and I
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  know you probably the curated all your pictures, that's not
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  the point. So the point is to be honest
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  with your kids and not be a hypocrite.
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  If you have, if you have wonderful memories of your high
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  school sex life, you know with your then boyfriend or
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  girlfriend then you know you got to understand that that was part
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  of reality even if now you're so anxious about the idea of your
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  child doing it you acting like you didn't do that.
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  Isn't going to make them not want to do it.
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  In fact it may make them want to do it more.
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  You know, as if they currently think of you as some sort of
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  fuddy-duddy, then they may want to, you know, not be like you in
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  that way. And that's a totally
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  prototypically normal, part of adolescence it developmentally
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  normal is individuating from your family of origin and your
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  parents, especially your same-sex parent and saying, you
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  know, I'm not like you, I'm not going to be like you, I'm going
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  to be different in all of these weights and then, you know, so
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  that's it, would it would hold Old.
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  Obviously, that the more that you say that you were such a,
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  you know, goody-two-shoes with whatever the, you know, word is
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  for that. Now, the less that they are
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  going to think that, you know, what the hell they're talking
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  about. So then if it does happen, that
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  something happens while they're drinking.
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  If some, you know, they do send a nude picture to a guy and he
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  does share it around the school. Whatever.
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  Whatever happens. They're not necessarily going to
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  think that you're somebody who they could come to because
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  you've been on your high horse for so long.
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  And they think either, they think you've been on your high
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  horse or they think you're lying about your past.
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  So, one or the other usually is what happens in these situations
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  where the parent covers things up.
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  So if you used a lot of drugs or what have you, you can talk
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  about the good and the bad parts of that.
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  Yeah, you know, I think I started using because all my
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  friends did and seem fun, you know, there are parts of it.
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  That were fun. It gave me an instant social
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  life. However, the parts that were
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  bad, were my grades started to go to shit.
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  And my mom was always mad at me. And I never really learned how
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  to socialize without being high. And so that really messed with
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  me socially, it's pretty normal thing to say, that would be
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  pretty normal thing to happen if somebody overused.
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  You know, we'd, let's say and saying that to your kid.
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  I'm talking to them kind of person to person in a respectful
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  way. Like a peer is something that's
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  going to stick to that. Those are the kind of
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  discussions that people have when they're like, oh and I was
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  16. My dad told me that he used to
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  be an alcoholic when I was a little kid and that he stopped.
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  And so I've never drank there's people who say that.
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  And I'm sure that you, if you could think about your entire
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  group of people that, you know, there's plenty of people who say
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  no. It's in my genes.
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  I can, you know, that's not always because they saw the
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  parent drinking, sometimes it's because a parent stop drinking,
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  even before they knew the parent.
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  So at, but the parent told them, otherwise they wouldn't know.
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  So the point is that, if you want to have this close
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  relationship with your kids that so many people want to have,
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  that's great. To have a close relationship
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  with your kids could be protective and a buffer against
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  various travails of adolescence and stressors, but you can't
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  have it both ways. You can have again, want them to
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  be honest with you, but you're not going to be honest with them
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  because they can really sniff that out.
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  And if you are convincing yourself that somehow they're
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  going to model themselves after you and say, well Mom, slept
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  with a lot of dudes. So I should I mean if the, the
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  few people I know Who know that did the opposite.
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  They were like, oh my God, they were hippies.
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  It was disgusting. They told me that they went to
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  Woodstock and they did this and this and this.
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  Oh, and that's when I resolved, I was gonna, you know, wait
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  until I really love somebody or whatever.
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  So, it's kind of a self-aggrandizing delusion to
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  think that if you tell your kids that you did, you know, pretty
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  normal, or even like pretty dangerous or risky stuff that
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  they are going till now. Now somehow you are the role
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  model and the Pinnacle and have to compete with you in some way
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  that really. It's usually the opposite.
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  Exactly. They're like, yeah.
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  Well, like, I don't I don't do that.
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  So that's just information. And you'll know this is right as
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  a gut check. If you literally all you have to
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  do is remember back to when you were a teenager.
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  I remember, so you're a teenager.
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  So let's say that you had some sort of prototypical, you know,
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  adolescence and your mother said, Ed.
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  Well you know what though? I didn't just go out dancing.
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  I took my top off this one time you would be like you you why
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  are you telling me that look? You would not be like, oh my
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  God, Mom took her top off. I'm going to take my top off and
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  my bottom off and no, like that is just not how people think the
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  number one. Way, probably to make your kid
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  be on the straight and narrow is to tell them about like you were
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  Shitty risky, stupid Behavior, because you're not cool.
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  Let's say it all together. We're not cool.
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  You're not going to be cool to your teenager.
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  So parents nowadays, think that they're more you know kind of
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  like a friend to the kids than they really are.
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  Kids can very easily distinguish between a cool friend and a
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  parent. So the parents saying stuff is
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  only going to help the relationship with the parent.
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  It's not going to make the kid. Go do the I think that the
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  parent did but it is going to make the kid feel like you're
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  somebody who could be trusted and somebody that shares not at
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  a super detailed level. You know, not like if you took
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  your top off you don't tell them.
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  You don't need to do that not till they're like way grown.
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  If you want to do it, even then you don't don't do that.
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  But like if you're like yeah, I used to go out and get so
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  wasted. It was so stupid.
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  Honestly, I threw up on myself a bunch.
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  Like there were these guys that I would have got, but I wouldn't
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  even know. And honestly if I could redo it
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  again, I wouldn't. Aunt.
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  Or if that was a happy time in your life, you could be like,
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  yeah, I did. I used to party a lot but I
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  still kept my grades up and I didn't do it every night and yet
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  sometimes we got wasted and, you know, it was funner than other
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  times more fun than other times and that's, you know, called
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  grown up and I don't regret a lot of it.
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  I was lucky. I mean your kids is like, what
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  what's going to happen if they want to go out and party?
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  They will. And they will feel like you're
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  somebody who could understand if they don't, they won't.
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  But there are no kids that are like, man, I was really going to
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  stay on the straight and narrow and like never drink.
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  And then I heard that my mom used to get wasted and in
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  college and now it's game on because I got to beat that bitch
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  at her own game. It's just not real.
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  So Parents with kind of good intentions, a forget what
• 15:00
  teenagers think, like, and be Miss opportunities to be seen as
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  an actual human being who can be confided in because they
• 15:08
  understand all of the things that the kid is struggling with,
• 15:12
  you know, like, how do I make friends, how do I be cool?
• 15:14
  Like, how do I get this boy? Girl, to fall for me?
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  How do I, you know, keep my grades up while I have my social
• 15:23
  life. And like, if you never say that
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  you struggled with all of these, These things.
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  How are they going to look at you as somebody to confide in we
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  as therapists we use self-disclosure very, you know,
• 15:35
  sparingly in the session. So although obviously, you know,
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  you can follow me on social media of course, and know about
• 15:40
  my life, my kids, and what have you in session, you know, like a
• 15:45
  lonely, bring up certain things for really if I think that's
• 15:48
  really relevant or can make the person feel really close like
• 15:51
  that, I understand what they mean you know.
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  And so when people are King with teenagers, which I don't really
• 15:57
  do any more, they use self-disclosure judiciously and
• 16:03
  some of the most helpful self disclosures that people recount
• 16:08
  later when they're adults, when they're talking about having
• 16:10
  been in therapy as a teenager is when a therapist shares that
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  they went through some of the same stuff, some of the same
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  struggles, not like, just the good stuff.
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  The struggles and this is actually very well known in the
• 16:25
  substance abuse. Zeus counseling Community where
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  almost every substance abuse counselor is open that they had
• 16:31
  a substance abuse issue, you know?
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  And and they get their certification and then they're
• 16:35
  thought to be somebody who really understands and of course
• 16:38
  this is how a a works as well. So if you did, you know do
• 16:43
  things that were risky, say say it like don't give the
• 16:47
  high-level overview and then you are somebody who can be trusted
• 16:51
  because you have your own struggles.
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  They may not be the struggles of the person of your kid, but Like
• 16:57
  for example, if you struggled with, you know, drinking too
• 17:00
  much and you overslept and you didn't get to your midterm
• 17:02
  because you went out partying the night before.
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  You've already become somebody that your kid can identify with
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  a thousand times more just because you fucked up.
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  And if you remember what it's like to be a teenager, they
• 17:12
  constantly feel like they're fucking up their super
• 17:14
  self-conscious. They think they do everything,
• 17:16
  terribly and wrong. So if you don't have any stories
• 17:19
  like that, that you're sharing with your kid, then they
• 17:22
  probably may not fully think that you understand.
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  And how they feel. There's only so much.
• 17:27
  I understand how you feel that you can say without actually
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  coming out with your own example.
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  So this could be a wonderful opportunity to bond with your
• 17:35
  child, to come down off your, high horse to recognize how
• 17:38
  teenagers really think and to be genuine in a genuine interaction
• 17:43
  with your kid, all right? Hopefully this was useful and
• 17:46
  I'll talk to you soon.