Latest / Libido Lounge / Is Something From My Childhood Ruining Our Sex Life? with Brooke Bralove

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Is Something From My Childhood Ruining Our Sex Life? with Brooke Bralove · Libido Lounge

• 0:00
  Sometimes people end up having actually the best sex they've ever had after an affair.
• 0:06
  Do I fully understand why?
• 0:09
  Not really.
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  The uncertainty of is that person gonna be there, are they not gonna be there, actually
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  creates desire.
• 0:18
  Perfectionism sets you up to always fail.
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  Every time, it's a guarantee that you're gonna fail because it doesn't exist.
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  How many times has your partner kicked you out of bed because of the way you look?
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  Never.
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  I...
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  A person who has been betrayed is the person to set the timeline.
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  Must lead the intimacy.
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  What we are really talking about when we talk about trauma is simply the question of did it
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  overwhelm your nervous system in a way that you could not process and work through?
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  Confidence is what's sexy, not whether you have the exact flat stomach that you want.
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  That doesn't matter.
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  It's confidence that is sexy for your partner and creates sexy inside inside of of you. You.
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  You.
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  And we're back on another episode of the Libido Lounge.
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  I'm your host, doctor Diane, talking again today to Brooke Braylove, licensed clinical
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  social worker, psychotherapist, and an expert in trauma, sexual health, and emotional
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  healing.
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  So if you heard our last episode with her, we talked a lot around things such as root causes
• 1:35
  of low desire, desire mismatch, what to do about these things, as well as things around
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  privacy and sec...
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  And secrecy and how to delineate between these two things around what is healthy versus not to
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  keep from your partner.
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  Today, we are back with Brooke to talk a little bit about shame and little t trauma.
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  So first of all, thank you Brooke for doing another episode with us, and welcome back to
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  the lounge.
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  Great to be here.
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  So I want if you would to to make sure...
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  Help everybody get on the same page with this little t trauma thing.
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  Can you give us some examples of what types of little t trauma experiences somebody might have
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  had just to allow people to start thinking about things like, that might have impacted
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  even more than I realized because sometimes I think we kind of brush off little t traumas as
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  like, well, it's not that big of a deal.
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  Sometimes we gaslight ourselves.
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  So can you kind of root us in, first of all, some examples of what little t experiences
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  could be, and give us a a understanding of how they impact our sex life and our intimacy life,
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  sometimes even twenty years after they happened?
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  Mhmm.
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  Yeah.
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  So I think it is really important because I do find that people come in, and when you say,
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  have you had any trauma?
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  They go, oh, no.
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  Not not at all.
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  And you dig a little deeper, and you hear things like, I was belittled by my mother my
• 3:05
  entire life growing up, or I was...
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  People made fun of my big hips when I was in high school.
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  And, you know, what we are really talking about when we talk about trauma is simply the
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  question of did it overwhelm your nervous system in a way that you could not process and
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  work through in any sort of way?
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  When you look at trauma like that, then it really doesn't matter whether you call it big t
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  trauma or little t trauma, but I'm not...
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  That is a helpful delineation because some people have a really hard time accepting that
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  being told they had wide hips might be interfering with their ability to be present in
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  the bedroom.
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  And when you point it out, and sometimes using the accelerated resolution therapy can help you
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  connect those negative sensations, like, you know, some shame that's coming up or tightness
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  in your chest or some version that would happen when you...
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  Someone was teasing you about your hips, and it's happening again when you get naked in
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  front of your partner.
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  We can actually find that connection through the body, but people diminish these things over
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  and over again.
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  And actually, some of the time, my first job is to just teach them what trauma actually means
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  for the body and then say, you know, I think this might have had a bigger effect on you than
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  you had really ever thought about.
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  Because they'll say things like, I mean, whatever.
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  No biggie.
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  I was teased.
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  And then I'll say, well, how do you feel about your hips now?
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  And they'll say, I'm disgusting and fat, and I cannot believe I let myself look like this
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  after two kids.
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  Right?
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  So that...
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  Those messages, it's often about childhood messages that we don't...
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  We think we should be able to, quote, get over and that we've decided are just things
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  everybody goes through, but not necessarily.
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  And then, of course, we have to link it to the present.
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  How is that impacting you right now?
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  And so that's kind of my main thing.
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  I'll give you some examples of some other little t traumas.
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  It could be that you had, you know, test anxiety.
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  It could be that the first time you talked to a boy when you were 13, he laughed in your face,
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  and then you had another experience in college where something like that happened that was
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  similar.
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  You were rejected.
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  You were made fun of.
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  And, again, it's how it's showing up now that is the important question.
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  If it's not bothering you now and you have no problems having to do with rejection or, you
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  know, how we initiate sex, then I don't think we need to look at it.
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  But if you're in my office, there's almost always a root cause, and that's almost always
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  little t trauma.
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  So do you see...
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  I mean, so be somebody being in your office, so that could be a sign of little t trauma.
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  Do you see other things that are commonalities that people might watch out for to say, oh,
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  wow, I'm doing x y z or I'm feeling x y z or I'm having this sort of experience that it
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  would be signs for them to say, hey, there might be something here and maybe I should seek
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  out somebody such as yourself to process things?
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  Like, are there anything that people can look out for that for that should be...
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  That could be keynotes for them to start thinking that this might be something worth
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  exploring?
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  Yeah.
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  I think there are some signs that therapy or sex therapy might be beneficial.
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  One is, is it impacting you now in a way that is overly distressing, causing harm in your
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  relationship, and feels really bad even though you've tried to address it on your own.
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  Right?
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  You've done that.
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  You've read the books.
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  You've listened to the podcast like yours.
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  You know, you've done the homework, so to speak, and it's not budging.
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  It's not changing.
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  Then I think you're going to look at, is this about something else?
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  Is there just something that...
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  Not that I, like, I don't remember from my past necessarily, but just that I've kind of
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  overlooked that might be unconscious?
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  That's what drives so much of mismatched libidos and, you know, desire discrepancies and
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  boredom, you know, things like that.
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  And so you you might wanna, you know, talk to someone who specializes in this to just dig
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  around.
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  The second question I always want people to ask themselves is, let's say you're in the present
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  and, you know, you have erectile dysfunction and you quickly, you know, put your clothes
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  back on and just move away because you are so...
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  You're deep in shame.
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  What you wanna ask yourself is, when have I felt this way before?
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  And if you have anything that comes up, I felt this way when I failed, you know, the entrance
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  exam to, you know, my profession, Or I felt this way when the first time I, again, like,
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  approached a girl, and I felt like I failed, and I was, like, not attractive and unwanted.
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  If you felt that way before, that's a really good indication that there's a little t trauma.
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  Of course, it could be a big t trauma, but, you know, today we're talking about little t.
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  Yeah.
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  Yeah.
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  Thank you.
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  It's very, very helpful.
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  And then talking about things like perfectionism, because I know perfectionism
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  comes up for a lot of people.
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  So where does that play a role with shame, with little t traumas?
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  What does it look like during sex?
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  Can you talk to us a little bit about where perfectionism plays a role?
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  I'm so glad you talked about that because I do specialize in perfectionism, not just, you
• 9:10
  know, in the bedroom, but elsewhere.
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  And it's not that men are don't...
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  Are not perfectionists, but we find that it's really most common in women in how it's
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  manifesting.
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  So when you talk about perfectionism, first of all, it's a 20 ton shield that you carry around
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  that is unattainable.
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  There's no such thing as a perfect person, a perfect body, a perfect diet, a, you know,
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  perfect face, anything.
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  So I always say that perfectionism sets you up to always fail.
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  Every time, it's a guarantee that you're gonna fail because it doesn't exist.
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  So in some ways, it's really stupid and not particularly smart to be a perfectionist
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  because you're basically just saying I'm gonna fail every time.
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  So I look at something obviously different called healthy striving, which is always to do
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  your best and really want to do well and show up, you know, in the best way you can, but
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  sometimes it's gonna go well and sometimes it's not.
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  And so perfectionism in the bedroom really shows up for women around their bodies.
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  I can't go on a date until I lose 30 pounds.
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  I better get Botox to convince the younger man that I'm going out with that I'm actually in my
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  forties, not my fifties.
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  I need to give the perfect blow job and study it, and that's the only way I'm gonna get a guy
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  to like me.
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  Those are some of the thoughts.
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  I really see it mostly around bodies, that people don't feel good enough and perfect
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  enough to be sexual.
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  And that's not true.
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  All bodies can feel pleasure.
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  All bodies, all ages, all sizes, all colors.
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  And you know what?
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  One of the things I usually ask people when they're like, but my stomach's a little poo...
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  Poochy because of, you know, I'm still...
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  I still have the baby weight and things like that.
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  And I'll say, about how many times has your partner kicked you out of bed?
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  Just about how many because of the way you look.
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  How many?
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  You know?
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  And of course, they go, never.
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  I go, okay.
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  Then I think we know.
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  We know what's gonna happen.
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  And, you know, I do often encourage women to fake confidence just a little bit, like, to
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  almost, like, role play confidence a little bit.
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  You know?
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  Because I do find that when you act it out, it really does tend to just feel good and then
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  cultivate more confidence.
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  And confidence is what's sexy, not whether you have the exact flat stomach that you want.
• 11:51
  That doesn't matter.
• 11:52
  It's confidence that is sexy for your partner and creates sexy inside of you.
• 11:58
  I just wanna take a quick break to say one of the number one things that leads to a lack or
• 12:03
  just a slowing of passion in the relationship is thinking that our partner's body and mind
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  and spirit is going to be the same today as tomorrow.
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  So one of the things that happens for so many bodies, especially for female bodies, is that
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  with time, the pleasure needs change.
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  And we get into those sexual scripts and those habits of doing the same thing over and over
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  and over again, not always realizing that our pleasure body is wanting something else.
• 12:36
  This creates a lack of passion, a desire, a lack of orgasm, and it's one of the reasons why
• 12:42
  bedrooms can start to get quieter.
• 12:46
  I talk about how to fix this and so much more walking you through a step by step guide for an
• 12:54
  entire year if you want on how to improve your pleasure life.
• 12:58
  Start with a free trial, stay for a month, stay for the year, make it yours.
• 13:04
  You'll see all of this and more on how to get started in the show notes below this video.
• 13:09
  I hope you will join me in my Hot Monogamy Society.
• 13:13
  Now, let's get back to our episode.
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  I couldn't agree more and I want to name that one of...
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  There's so many ways, right, that we gain confidence.
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  And like we've said throughout our conversation, there's many different ways we
• 13:27
  want to approach confidence and approach our sex lives, especially in healing root causes of
• 13:33
  things when they've gotten out of balance, but one of my favorite simple ways of increasing
• 13:38
  confidence is through the pump.
• 13:39
  So one thing that I've heard from women as they age is sometimes this feeling of being all
• 13:46
  dried up and being embarrassed about it and not wanting to tell their partner about it.
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  For men, it's realizing that their erections are not what they were in their thirties,
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  forties, fifties, and beyond that they were in their twenties.
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  And when we do things like pump, we allow ourselves to get some confidence back because
• 14:07
  for women, these pumps that are the vulva or the clitoral pumps, and they're vacuums.
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  It's a vacuum device that goes onto these pumps, and it has been shown to really increase
• 14:18
  vag...
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  Increase vaginal lubrication.
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  I've seen that personally as well as professionally.
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  And then for for men, we also have the cylinder pumps.
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  There's many different sizes.
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  And then of course we have our vacuum suction.
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  And same thing for men.
• 14:33
  When we are using these pumps, we see oftentimes erections go back to what they were
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  in the younger age.
• 14:39
  So whether it is, hey, I don't have...
• 14:42
  I have ED or whether it's not ED and it's just that things aren't working as well as they used
• 14:48
  to or you just want to stay healthy as you age to maintain, make sure you maintain healthy
• 14:54
  erections and blood flow.
• 14:55
  The pumps are just awesome.
• 14:56
  They're not all the same, so make sure you do go in the show notes where you'll also find
• 15:00
  coupon codes of how to get them.
• 15:03
  Now, I wanna talk to you Brooke about intimacy after infidelity or betrayal because...
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  And I wanted people as as they're listening to this question and answer, think about
• 15:13
  infidelity or betrayal beyond just sexual intimacy.
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  Right?
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  So, yes, this could involve a partner sexually cheating on you, but I know a lot of times
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  people feel like their partner has had some sort of like emotional affair with another
• 15:28
  person.
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  Right?
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  Where maybe some level of boundary or some agreement, whether talked about or just
• 15:35
  assumed, was broken.
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  So just as you're listening, think about, okay, well if there was damage from a true sexual
• 15:42
  infidelity or if there was some other agreement that just got broke, what do you tell couples
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  as far as like when can this be repaired, when can it not be repaired, can we be stronger
• 15:55
  after the relationship or after this is repaired?
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  Is that just a story that people say?
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  Can you just, can you talk to us a little bit about that?
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  So I think, obviously, this is gonna be different for all couples, but the one thing
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  that I do think is most important is the person who has been betrayed is the person to set the
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  timeline.
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  And it doesn't mean they have to know what the timeline is, but they must lead the intimacy.
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  Because if you have intimacy too soon, too quickly, it can really get kind of confusing,
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  and I think that it's just important for the person to lead the way.
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  They have the control.
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  Because the real hurt of, you know, of an affair or, you know, an emotional affair,
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  physical affair, whatever, is that they had no choice.
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  It was done to them.
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  They had no say.
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  They were helpless.
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  They were, most of the time, you know, in the dark.
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  And so I think you have to shift that power immediately for the person who was betrayed to
• 17:08
  feel like they wanna even continue to engage.
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  The second thing is it's not my job to decide if they can repair, and so that's completely
• 17:19
  personal.
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  I'm usually seeing people who want to repair.
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  That's why they're there.
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  And so I work with people exactly where they are, and I'll ask the person who's been
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  betrayed, you know, how are you feeling?
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  How are you feeling towards your partner?
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  How do you feel about your physical relationship?
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  And and most people will just say, I'm just not ready, you know, right away in the in the
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  first, you know, month or two.
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  But there's no specific timeline.
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  It's all about that person feeling like they are in control of what happens next.
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  One thing I do find anecdotally, because it's just some of the people I see, obviously, is
• 18:01
  that there often is a strange thing that occurs where desire increases after an affair.
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  And sometimes people end up having actually the best sex they've ever had after an affair.
• 18:16
  Do I fully understand why?
• 18:19
  Not really.
• 18:20
  I do think that making something...
• 18:24
  Like, having something feel like it could be taken from you at any time, the uncertainty of
• 18:32
  is that person gonna be there, are they not gonna be there, actually creates desire.
• 18:37
  Right?
• 18:38
  Boredom happens in sexual relationships when it's like, there they are again.
• 18:43
  They're to the right of me.
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  They're to the left of me.
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  They're in the kitchen.
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  They're in the bedroom.
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  They're, you know, cutting their toenails.
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  I don't find that very attractive.
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  You know?
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  So kind of taking that safety away increases desire.
• 18:57
  I'm certainly not saying that I think, you know, affairs are always good at all, but I'm
• 19:03
  also not saying they're always terrible.
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  They do often lead to a greater understanding of each other once you build the trust.
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  So I do think you can deepen a relationship.
• 19:18
  You can renegotiate boundaries if that's appropriate.
• 19:22
  You can understand more about what something meant to someone, and it usually shows what
• 19:29
  they were lacking, but it doesn't usually show what they were...
• 19:33
  What was lacking in the marriage.
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  I often think affairs are about what feeling is lacking in the person that did the betrayal,
• 19:43
  that was the, you know, quote perpetrator of that betrayal.
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  It's what feeling are they getting from going outside the relationship that they're not
• 19:53
  getting inside the relationship?
• 19:55
  And I certainly don't think they can blame the other partner, And I do think marriages are
• 20:02
  cocreated, and I do think that...
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  Not that the choice to have an affair or go outside is cocreated, but the dynamics that are
• 20:13
  in place are cocreated.
• 20:15
  So that's kind of how I see things.
• 20:17
  I love this distinction, and and it's such a message of hope post that, which I really
• 20:22
  appreciate.
• 20:23
  And I also really think it's a it's a good way of almost like taking control of those
• 20:29
  scenarios and actually realizing that, oh, like like what you're saying around this feeling
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  being personal, around how if we understand what feeling we were trying to chase outside of
• 20:41
  our relationship, we can bring that, and what I'm hearing is to say, oh, this is a feeling
• 20:45
  that is actually really important for me to experience.
• 20:48
  And then through working with our partner, working with a therapist like yourself, then we
• 20:52
  can take a step back and say, okay, well, how can I get this type of feeling that I want
• 20:57
  within the context of my marriage?
• 20:59
  And like you said, renegotiate that.
• 21:01
  So I just I love your approach so much.
• 21:04
  I wanna make sure to respect your time here and let you tell us a little bit about how couples
• 21:09
  get started working with you.
• 21:11
  And and also as you're talking about this, like, how would a couple...
• 21:15
  How do you advise couples to know whether or not it's time for them to start working with a
• 21:20
  sex therapist like yourself?
• 21:21
  I think the way you figure out if you need sex therapy is have we used the tools at our
• 21:27
  disposal to address this?
• 21:30
  Have we talked about it?
• 21:32
  Have we researched it?
• 21:34
  Have we had a series of conversations about it?
• 21:37
  Can we even talk about it at all?
• 21:41
  And if...
• 21:42
  Certainly, if the answer to that is no, then I definitely think having a third party who's
• 21:47
  trained to facilitate these kind of vulnerable scary conversations is really important.
• 21:54
  The second thing is do I feel like this is something to do with my experience growing up
• 22:02
  in adolescence, in...
• 22:04
  With other relationships when it's a pattern, when it's something...
• 22:08
  You know, if you realize that, three years into all my relationships, I seem to not feel
• 22:14
  attracted to my partner, that's an unconscious thing that's happening, so I think going to sex
• 22:21
  therapy is extremely important then.
• 22:23
  Amazing.
• 22:24
  And then how do people get ahold of you?
• 22:25
  Yeah.
• 22:26
  You can find me on Instagram and Facebook brookbraylovepsychotherapy.
• 22:32
  DM me there, and you can also find me on my website at brookbraylove.com.
• 22:39
  Sex therapy can be done in person or virtually, so we've got a lot of flexibility there.
• 22:45
  Amazing.
• 22:45
  Thank you so much for joining me today, Brooke, and thank you everybody for your time and
• 22:49
  attention.
• 22:50
  Please do check out Brooke's work if she can serve you.
• 22:53
  That information will be in the show notes for you.
• 22:55
  And please do subscribe to continue to get more information on sex, intimacy, love,
• 23:00
  relationships, and so much more.
• 23:03
  It is a pleasure as always to be with you all, and we'll see you again soon on another episode
• 23:08
  of the Libido Lounge.
• 23:12
  Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
• 23:14
  Please don't keep me a secret.
• 23:15
  Please share this with your friends.
• 23:17
  You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.