Latest / Stories From The Lost and Found: The Journey Back to Self / Breaking the Patterns That Keep You From Love with Joel Monteleone

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Breaking the Patterns That Keep You From Love with Joel Monteleone · Stories From The Lost and Found: The Journey Back to Self

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Stories from the Lost and Found.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Krishna Avalon, subconscious therapist, breakthrough coach, and acupuncturist, someone who spent 24 years helping people change from the inside out.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: I bridge neuroscience and ancient medicine together to show you what's actually driving your life because it's almost never what's on the surface.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: Each week we'll go deep into the patterns, wounded parts, and the real stories behind why we get stuck and how we find our way through.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: If you're ready for honesty, depth, and tools that actually work, you're in the right place.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: I am so glad you're here.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Good morning, everyone, and welcome to Stories from the Lost and Found.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Krishna, and today I am so excited to welcome Joel Monteleone to the podcast.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: Joel is a relationship coach who helps high-achieving women stop overthinking dating and attract the partner that exceeds their standards.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: He's also the host of Hot Are Together with Joel Monteleone and the founder of Hot Takes, Hot Dates, Austin's most fun live dating event.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: So excited to be here with you today, Joel.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: I coach people for about four years.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: And what I found in my coaching at that time, it was coaching people in tech to create better relationships at work, to get promotions, to prevent burnout.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: And in those conversations of those coaching clients, like very early on in our time together, they would come to me and say, Hey, Joel, can you help me get a girlfriend?
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: Can you help me text this guy back?
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: Like, what do I say here?
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: I'm feeling really scared about how this, my, my romantic relationships are going.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: And I saw pretty quickly that people just didn't have a lot of information or understanding on how to build relationships.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: And me personally, like I've been building relationships my entire life, and it comes pretty naturally to me.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I'm single now, but it's just been something that I've I apply emotional intelligence, I've, you know, communication, vulnerability, authenticity.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: And I believe from that space, like anything is possible.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: But, you know, I think with social media and and a lot of our online world, we've forgotten what it actually requires to build relationships in person in real life.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: And that's having a massive impact downstream when it comes to, you know, dating and romance.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my God, yes, I love that so much.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I mean, I'm older than you, I'm sure, but just growing up in a time before social media when you would just connect more easily and we didn't have all these distractions, you know.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: I really miss those days.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: So I can imagine in your format, like your events are really what is most inspiring and most in engaging, obviously, for people.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um like what do you what do you see really happen like for people who haven't been able to date on their own successfully?
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: Like what do they what do they really need from you when they're succeeding in life in so many ways, but it's their dating or their relationships that are that are not manifesting in the way that they wish that they would, or they don't know why, you know.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, unlike like all manifestation, it comes down to trust and trusting yourself, trusting the process.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: And I was just on a conversation yesterday with some with a friend of mine.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: She's an incredibly successful um woman, and she just she manifests all the time.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: And she was actually coaching me in manifestation, and then I was supporting her, and you know, everything that she was coaching me into manifest financial, you know, abundance, success, like she was unable to see that in her and how she was viewing her relationships and her romance, right?
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: And so it all comes down to this lack of trust and believing that the thing that they want is possible.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: And I think as we get older, you know, as the as the clock starts to run out, like we we get a bit more scared and we want to control over control, we want to try and figure it out, and we we like try and double down on why things aren't working and we forget to trust, we forget to relax and surrender to the possibility of of the universe, you know, supporting us in in that relationship, in that family, in that marriage.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um, because you know, as humans, we are meant to be in a relationship.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: We're meant to procreate, right?
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: Like that is what we are we've you know been created to do.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: Um and so if we want a relationship, if that's something that we desire, like it will happen, but you've got to be able to trust that it's there.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: And you gotta be allowed, you gotta allow yourself to receive it when it does come.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I think we're with you know, going back to social media and cell phones, right?
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: Like most of the time we leave, we're either in our house or if we leave our house our heads down at our phone, right?
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: We're not actually open to the possibility of something and finding us.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so I think when people come to me primarily, like they're starting to lose hope.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: And they come to me because they want to borrow some of that belief that I have in them and in the relationship.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh, that's so beautifully said.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: For one, I love how you name that it's about trust and that as we get older, we want to control.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: So, like the alchemy or the energy of what happens when you like get even more contracted, and then you're like doubling down from that place of.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, really, I would name that as scarcity and that you know that that's what your clients are dealing with.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: But like, how do you coach?
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, you did just name borrowing your belief, like this is possible.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: But for people who've never had that experience, because of course I work with subconscious reprogramming, like, how do you also get them to that place where they're trusting and they're believing that it's possible?
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: Is it like like what is it like to work with you, I guess?
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I mean, it's a lot of looking at your your beliefs and identifying if they are working for you or against you.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: You know, the one common belief that people have, especially, I mean, I I'm living in Austin, Texas, and I hear it all day in Austin, and pretty much any city that you live in, people will say, Oh, my city's so bad for dating, right?
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like, well, how is that supporting you in actually dating?
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: If you're just walking around and saying, oh, this city is so bad for dating, like that's all you're going to see.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: That's all your brain is going to confirm and find evidence for, right?
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: And so, like, if the city is so bad for dating, that means that nobody's dating and nobody's finding relationships.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: Zero, right?
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: Because if some people are, then if it's possible for them, it's possible for you.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: And so really rewiring these beliefs that people have that they get reinforced by social media and by the echo chamber that that continue to reinforce, you know, kind of your your victim story and shifting that into responsibility, right?
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: If you want a relationship, if you're committed to a relationship, then then what beliefs do you get to do you get to choose, and then what actions do you get to create from the from that from that new framework?
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so that's really what people like when they work with me, you know, it's unexplicable because they're like, whoa, wow, like so much is shifting in my life.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, well, yeah, because you went from victim, you know, to responsibility.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: You know, most of the people that I I work with, like anyone would would love to be in relationship with them.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: They're great people, you know, they're they're they're kind, they're successful, they're they're independent, they're strong, they like they they they're emotional, they're intelligent, right?
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: It's like in what world do people not want to be in relationship with you?
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: And so just really reinforcing that and letting them know that you know they actually when they leave when they leave the the house, right?
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: Like most men are looking at them and saying, wow, I that she's look she's amazing, right?
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: Like that's and like when you start to walk around and and have that mentality, right?
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: Like it like that's what you start to believe.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yep, exactly.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I guess what I'm curious and knowing, and I know what my listeners are gonna want to hear too, is it's like we all need that, like, and I think we need to get to the point where where we accept that like it's worth paying for support like you, like you have all this best friend fun energy, and like who doesn't need that in their life to be like I need a pep talk or I need a little reminder.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: But I do wonder, like, because mindset is one thing.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: I love your language because of course we speak the same language, but it's like mindset and trying to talk yourself into something is different than it actually landing at the subconscious level.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: It takes a lot more like repetitive mindset reminder, which is something that you can so beautifully offer.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: But like, I don't know how long does it take usually somebody to shift their framework?
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I know it's different for everybody, but like what do you typically see and how do you work with that?
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: Is it like one-to-one?
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: Is it container coaching?
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: I know that was a lot of all in one time.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, no, it's great.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: I work, I work right now primarily one-to-one with people, right?
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: And I meet with them every week.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: And, you know, I start to see shifts very quickly, right?
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: Like within a couple months.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: And like it, it the thing with with dating is a lot of the times we shoot ourselves in the foot, right?
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: I think one one of my clients, there was a, you know, she was dating a guy, she went on a few dates, and he didn't respond to her as like he was he was texting her a lot, and then like he stopped texting her for a night.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: And she got really triggered and really upset because he's like, Oh my god, what the heck?
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: Like we were talking, and then he just stopped texting me.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: And she would and she, you know, instead of kind of going into a you know, trauma response or a fight or response with the guy of like, hey, why aren't you texting me or what's going on?
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: Like she texted me and she goes, Hey, Joel, like what do you think is going on?
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: I go, what do you think?
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I asked her, What do you think is happening?
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: She goes, Oh, well, I think he's losing interest, right?
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: And so if you think he's losing interest, then you're gonna respond in a way of like trying to get his interest back, right?
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: You're gonna either like be over anxious at the attached, or you're gonna say, Oh, if he's losing interest, fine, then I didn't care that I didn't care either.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna lose interest too, right?
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_01: Like he can't, he can't ghost me if I ghost him first.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_01: And so, you know, you can you can kind of convince yourself and and and go into this like spiral.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: And, you know, what I told her was, hey, what's the more likely outcome?
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_01: Like he he lost interest, or you know, he's out hooking up with other girls, or that like he he's on vacation with his friends and he's it's dinner time and it's nighttime, right?
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_01: And they're he's out and about, he's having a good time.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_01: You know, the guy that you actually want is one that has strong relationships and is out having like is out pursuing him's life.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_01: You don't want him sitting on the couch on his phone when he's out with his buddies.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_01: Like, that's not the guy you want, right?
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_01: And so once I got to explain that to her and she like kind of took a breath, she's like, Oh, yeah, okay, you're right.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_01: And the next day, of course, he texts her and says, Hey, sorry, I was out with my friends, you know, like uh good to hear from you again.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_01: And they're still together to this day, right?
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's like we can easily make decisions or beliefs that sabotage our relationships so quickly, right?
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_01: The whole idea of icks and red flags, right?
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_01: The moment someone sees an ick or a red flag, they're like, Oh, nope, I can't do that, right?
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_01: If if they do, if they didn't open the door for me one time, they'd probably never open the door ever in their life.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, well, yeah, maybe, or maybe he just got caught up, you know, like maybe he opened the door, but we're so quick to judge and we're so quick to cut off the the possibility.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_01: And so, you know, when I when I work with people, my goal is to have people in relationships, right?
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_01: It's not to, it's not to end relationships, it's not to like, you know, see a see a good thing and say, oh, hey, actually there's something better.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_01: You should probably go pursue that.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, hey, no, actually, the relationship that you desire, like, I think this is likely it.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: Do you feel good in it?
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_01: Does he feel safe in it?
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_01: Do you enjoy spending time with this person?
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_01: Sure.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_01: Are there things, a couple things that you don't love that he does?
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, maybe, possibly, but are those things that he can change, right?
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_01: Like, like are there, are they there actions that he can choose to change if he wants to be with you, right?
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: Like a man will make decisions and will shift his life in order to be with a woman, right?
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_01: But you gotta let him have the opportunity and the time to actually make that decision, right?
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not like I don't vape, but I'm like, if she doesn't like me viping, I'm not gonna start vaping unless I know that she actually wants to be with me, right?
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_01: If it's like a random girl's like, hey, I wish you didn't vape, I'm not just gonna stop vaping for a random girl, you know?
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's like, it's really, I'm just kind of going all over the place right now, but you know, when I work with women, it's just kind of having them slow down and and and give a relationship time, right?
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_01: And not be so quick to judge, so quick to leave, so quick to move on to the next thing.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: 100%.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I mean, I don't think you're all over the place.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: I think you answered the kind of client that you get to work with, with just like me, even I think about how valuable that is to have like a guy who's a guy in my ear, pep talking me, reminding me of shit, because mostly people do suffer most when they're believing things that are not true.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: And to your point, going into a story that you don't know for sure is true, that's gonna take you down a spiral.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna take you into a nervous system response, and your nervous system's job and your subconscious is to show you what you believe as a way to keep you safe.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: And so, like for me, I get to help people on dating apps create like, oh, it's safe for me to be seen.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: Or I enjoy being on dating apps, dating is fun, stuff like that.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: Where to your point earlier, if you're believing that your city sucks for dating or all the good men are taking, you're gonna keep experiencing that over and over.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: So it would be so beautiful to like reprogram and do the heavy lifting and then have someone like you that gets to reinforce all this stuff.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: So even if you do get ghosted or some guy sucks, or he's not showing you the validation you're not giving yourself, it doesn't hurt as much, right?
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I imagine that's the kind of pep talking that you have to do.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: But I don't know if you'd want to switch gears at all, but like I would love to know personally like what are you doing in your life to attract your ideal relationship, or is that even something you're ready to step into for yourself?
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_01: So for me, I think the most important thing is like one half of people's relationship challenges or dating challenges will be solved if they left their house more often, you know.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_01: Like I think like I have I have many people come to me and they go, Oh, I'm having such a hard time dating.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_01: And then, you know, they tell me, Oh, they don't leave their house often.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_01: I go, Well, you don't need to hire me to do that.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you don't need to hire me for like you just leave your house, and then if it is still not working, then call me.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_01: And so I think for me personally, right, like I am very connected to the community here in Austin.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_01: And um, I'm constantly out and about, I'm constantly making friends, I'm constantly building community.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_01: And I I do believe that the person like that I'm going to be in relationship with is in that community, is is one or two degrees away from me, right?
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_01: And so just continuing to show up with responsibility, show up with accountability, showing up as the man that I desire to be in relationship, not waiting until the relationship to actually be him, like that's what's going to manifest my partner, right?
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_01: I think for a long time we think, oh, well, once I'm in a relationship, then I'll start to make those changes.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_01: Then I'll start to go out less, or I'll start to like drink less, or I'll, you know, I'll make more money, whatever it is.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but the truth is, like, we get it, we get to live our life now as if we're in the relationship that we desire to be in.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, exactly.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: Beautifully said.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: And the way that you talk, the way I see you show up online, like obviously the best teachers, guides, mentors are the ones who've been through shit themselves.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: They're not trying to teach or coach from a book that they read or some shit they're trying to be as fronting.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: But like for you, I want to know because a lot of us, the core wounds are like fear of being alone or abandonment or not good enough.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: And so I'm just wondering if there was a time in your life that stands out where you were in that place and how you came out of that.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because of course, that's your that's your big medicine and what you bring to all the people you get to work with.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_01: So for a long time, I I was a big partier.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_01: I like to drink, I like to do drugs, I like to party.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_01: Like my whole life was just revolved around when I was gonna be out partying next.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_01: I would party probably three or four or five times a week.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and that was rooted in a belief that I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't valuable.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_01: And the only time I was valuable to people was when I was partying.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_01: Like that was when I when people were like, wow, Joel is so amazing.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_01: He's brings all the cool people, he gets us in the cool bars, he like he can stay out all night.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_01: And anytime outside of that, when I wasn't like in a party scenario, like I didn't believe that I was like worthy or enough, or like people enjoyed my company.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so you know, like I got to a point maybe four years ago where I was walking home alone, really drunk one night, and I got attacked under a bridge.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_01: And then the next day I started drinking again and you know, made another mistake.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_01: And so within like 48 hours, I like multiple things occurred to me.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_01: And I realized, I'm like, going back to like, am I the man that I want to be?
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_01: And would would work in relationship that like my my dream partner would find me and be like, oh yeah, this is the guy I want to be with, the guy who gets who's walking home at four o'clock in the morning and like super drunk.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_01: And I realized I'm like, oh no, that's actually not who I want to be, or no, nor who I saw myself being.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_01: Like I didn't see my life going this way.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_01: I was almost about to turn 30.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, what am I doing?
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_01: You know, like my life is kind of the same as it was when I was turning 20.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just older and make more money, and you know, that's about it.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_01: And so um, you know, I got to make a really big decision and a really powerful decision of like, okay, hey, I want my life when I turn 40 to look a lot different.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_01: You know, 10 years from now, I'm gonna have a lot different priorities.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna have, I'm gonna be the man that I I see myself being.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_01: And, you know, that required me to actually look in the mirror and say, hey, Joel, like you're like this isn't working, right?
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_01: Like you, and then really kind of shifting my beliefs around what I thought to be possible for myself.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't really, I, you know, I thought that my life partying five days a week and like hanging out with pretty girls and drinking high quality alcohol, like I thought that was the best it was gonna get, right?
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_01: Like I just thought that that was what I was working so hard for.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it's kind of what I ide like what we idealize is is a successful life.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_01: You know, people looked at me and they're like, oh wow, Joel, you're so amazing.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_01: Look at all these pretty girls you're with, look at all these cool experiences you have.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_01: And so I didn't really think that I was worthy of anything more than that.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, okay, this is great, even though deep down I felt awful.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, God, this is this is that this is it, right?
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_01: This is what I worked so hard for.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but it was all rooted in this belief that like I didn't really deserve anything more than that, right?
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_01: Who was I to really desire anything more than I already had?
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so that's so beautiful.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: How did you get to that place so quickly, though?
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: Was it literally just something that shifted in your mind and you decided I'm done?
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: Or like, how did you what did you have to hold on to other than literally God came through and was like, wake up?
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, literally, literally God punched me in the face.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_01: Um, yeah, I mean, so the next day, or I guess that night, I was talking to some friends and I was telling them the story about how I got, you know, attacked.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm a great storyteller.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_01: I'm charismatic, I'm funny, and I'm telling the story, and everyone's just like laughing and we're having a good time.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, I'm like, I stop for a second and I look and I go, hey guys, this isn't that funny.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_01: Like I was like really scared.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_01: Like I was really, this was really traumatic.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_01: Like I like it's not funny.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_01: And they look and they go, Oh, I know, Joel, I know.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry for laughing, but like you just tell the story, like you just tell it such a funny way, like you're you're you're so funny.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_01: And then I thought to myself, and I I thought, um, am I just am I like a jester?
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_01: Like, am I like, is my life a joke?
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I'm like a clown right now.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_01: Like I'm just like, they're like laughing.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_01: At me.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_01: They're not laughing with me.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_01: And so it was that moment where I where I realized I'm like, I don't want to be, I don't want this.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_01: This isn't what, this isn't what I worked so hard for, right?
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_01: And it took me about a year to like actually get to a place where I felt really good about it.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_01: But the next day I started to just make different decisions and started small, right?
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_01: I got a gym membership and I started going to the gym early in the mornings.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_01: So, you know, I'd go to the gym early on a Friday morning.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_01: So then I wouldn't go out the night before.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_01: I wouldn't go out on a Thursday.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's just really creating actions that I prioritized more than going out and partying.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_01: What I realized as I started to get sober was that I just didn't have anything else going on.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_01: Like I just had nothing else to do.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_01: So I might as well drink.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_01: And so once I removed that and I had more energy for other things, then I started to, you know, play volleyball or hang out with friends, go dancing and doing all these things.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_01: And I start, my whole world opened up because I realized that there was such a there was such there was a lot more available to me.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_01: When I was drinking, I used to believe that everyone's drinking, right?
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_01: I'd go out on a street in Austin, Texas.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_01: There's tens of thousands of people out every night.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_01: I would think to myself, there's no way a 27-year-old male is not here.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_01: This is just what all men my age are doing, all 28, all 29-year-olds.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_01: Like everyone's here.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not, this isn't bad or wrong.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_01: Like everyone's doing what I'm doing.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_01: And then once I started to realize and make new decisions, I like literally my world shifts.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_01: I go, oh my God, there's people who are not drinking on a Friday night, right?
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_01: There's people who are out doing healthy things on a Friday night.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_01: Like, wow, like I didn't even know this existed.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_01: And so a lot of the time, I mean, to bring it back to dating, you know, we we learn how to date a specific way, right?
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_01: We learn, like, oh, we get we go to bars, we meet people at bars or or we like social events.
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_01: And so when you get to a certain age, you're like, wow, all the people I'm meeting at the bars are the same way.
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_01: They're the same type of guy, like all guys are this way or all girls are this way.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_01: That's all you believe is is happening in your city.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's like, hey, you actually get to make some personal choices, make some new decisions, try some new things so that you actually get to, you know, expand your world and you're gonna meet men, you're gonna meet women who you actually didn't even realize existed before because you were you were operating from such a tunnel vision.
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_01: And so for me, with my with with the drinking, with the identity, like it took a year for me to like fully shift.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_01: And it was, you know, I would dance one toe with my party friends and one toe with my non-party friends, and it was really challenging for a bit to like kind of live two lives at once, and then eventually, you know, one life the the one out essentially.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but it required a lot of support, a lot of work.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_01: I did emotional intelligence trainings, I did a lot of like embodiment exercises and things that I never even knew existed back when I was so focused on, you know, one thing.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my God, that's so beautiful.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I just want to name from like the frameworks I'm trained in was that you have an incredible amount of what we call self-energy and an IFS internal family systems, which is like the Joel that's literally the God within you, but like open and present and curious, wise, compassionate, playful.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_00: And you were extending that to the part of you that was drinking, which we call your firefighter protector part, the one that basically self-harms to protect the deeper wound, which was you, the exile that didn't feel worthy, right?
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_00: And understand that none of those parts are bad, and we can actually hold those parts of us with our self-energy.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_00: That's when stuff can really shift.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_00: And it just sounds like that really activated from your self-energy, becoming so present.
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_00: And then of course, yes, you need other support after that.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_00: Ideally, you're not doing it alone, but do you feel like full in your conviction, like you don't ever have to go back to that life at this point?
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_00: That was what three you said years ago.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, there's always there's always times of weakness, you know, and like they're fairly recently, like the more responsibility that I have, the more that I think about wow, how easy life was back then, right?
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't have much to worry about.
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, when the when the responsibilities increase and you know, perceived stress increases, there are moments where I'm like, whoa, like I missed just not having to worry about anything and I could just go party and get drunk and like feel terrible the next morning.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_01: And so there are moments when I think about what would that be like.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but it's it's that's more a place of like I like I know that I can't be making any decisions from that space, right?
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_01: That's a that's that's rooted in fear, it's rooted in you know lacking the trust that it's all gonna work out, you know, it's it's it's it's rooted in me wanting to just throw everything away and start over and sabotage and things that I used to do back in in the past.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's it's not like I wouldn't say that it I look at then like think, oh, I'll never have another drink again, because you know, never's a long time.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_01: Forever's a long time.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_01: And so what I get to continue to do is every day make a decision that is more in alignment with my vision than my fear, and having the support system that I've created around me to be able to support me in that.
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_01: Like before, my support system was really a support system to party, right?
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_01: Like I I everyone I partied with.
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_01: I went to a party school, I lived in Los Angeles, like that was my support system.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_01: Was if I needed to go out, I had people to go out with every single hour of every single day.
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_01: And now I have a support system that focuses on different things and not making one right or wrong, right?
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_01: Like there are plenty of people who go out and party and who have a really successful and abundant life.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that just wasn't what wasn't what I would do.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and so yeah, I mean, it it does take a commitment every single day, especially me.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_01: I like to party.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_01: I like to I like to be social.
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, when I go out, there's moments where I think this would be a lot more fun if I had a couple tequila shots.
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_00: 100%.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like the part of me that cares so much about the parts of you that showed up just now.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_00: I just want to thank you so much for being that vulnerable and sharing that it that it is a struggle sometimes.
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_00: And um yeah, I want those parts of you to feel held because I see them and I really, I really appreciate them showing up, but like to be able to let them know, like, hey, you're not alone.
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, you want to have some fun right now, like being responsible fucking sucks, and it'd be so nice to not have to worry so much.
• 29:16
  SPEAKER_00: But I got you, like you're not alone, you know, and even for clients of mine who do have the same tendencies, it's like creating new beliefs of like it's easy for me to have limits with alcohol, or I can have fun without getting wasted.
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, stuff becomes easier, but then also offering the language to the parts of you that want to just like check out or have fun or not be responsible, like being able to hold them and acknowledge them without them being dismissed.
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_00: Because when we dismiss those parts of us, they can become more extreme and just take over, right?
• 29:55
  SPEAKER_00: And go down the self-sabotage again.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_00: But then even if you do be like, I forgive you, it's okay, I got you, I understand so that the the parts of you don't feel alone, right?
• 30:07
  SPEAKER_00: And it seems like you have really beautiful tools in place for that.
• 30:10
  SPEAKER_00: So congratulations.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, thank you.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_01: And I and I think on the on there's also like there's also things that that I I still deal with that like, you know, I I still get to make space for those parts of me, right?
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_01: And say, hey, you're okay.
• 30:28
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes I'm like, you know, I can be a little righteous where it's like, well, I can do everything I want, anything I want, because I'm not drinking, right?
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's like, as long as I don't do this one thing, then everything else is is gonna be okay, right?
• 30:41
  SPEAKER_01: And at the same time, I get to really make space for the belief that hey, the these things over here that you know you you you've you're you're still allowing and still permitting, right?
• 30:54
  SPEAKER_01: Like you get to also look at those, right?
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_01: This is the the drinking aspect of your life, the partying aspect of your life, that's under control, right?
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_01: What else is what other beliefs are you holding?
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_01: What other actions are you engaging in that are not also in alignment with your highest self?
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_01: And you get to actually look at those rather than ignoring them because you're just, you know, you've you've you've made the one drinking and drugs like the big boogeyman, but there's other things that you I get to look at as well.
• 31:23
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 31:23
  SPEAKER_00: Looking at them is definitely where the medicine is at.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um well, I just want to thank you so much for everything that you shared today.
• 31:33
  SPEAKER_00: I think it'd be so fun for anyone listening to show up to any of your events.
• 31:37
  SPEAKER_00: But what have you got going on, like coming up?
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, all your stuff will be in the show notes.
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_00: People should definitely follow you on Instagram.
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_00: You share so beautifully there, but what have you got going on coming up?
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so follow me on Instagram.
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_01: Um, uh everything that I do is on there, but I release podcasts every week where I interview successful couples around how their relationship has been the growth engine for that success.
• 32:03
  SPEAKER_01: It's called Hotter Together.
• 32:05
  SPEAKER_01: And I host events here in Austin once a month, typically, um, called Hot Takes Hot Dates, but we got plans to do some different events uh around the country.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_01: So follow me on Instagram.
• 32:18
  SPEAKER_01: Everything that I share will be there.
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_01: I post a lot, I talk a lot.
• 32:22
  SPEAKER_01: So feel free to reach out or anyone listening, reach out.
• 32:26
  SPEAKER_01: We'd love to connect.
• 32:27
  SPEAKER_00: I love it so much.
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for being here.
• 32:31
  SPEAKER_00: That's a wrap on today's episode of Stories from the Lost and Found.
• 32:35
  SPEAKER_00: If something here resonated with you, the best thing you can do is share it.
• 32:38
  SPEAKER_00: Send this to someone who really needs to hear it.
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_00: And if you are ready to go deeper, I would love to support you.
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_00: Download my free workbook.
• 32:45
  SPEAKER_00: It walks you through your own subconscious blocks.
• 32:48
  SPEAKER_00: You can find that link in the show notes.
• 32:50
  SPEAKER_00: Or if you're ready for a real shift, book a free strategy call and let's figure out what is keeping you from moving forward.
• 32:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'll see you next week.
• 32:58
  SPEAKER_00: Your next breakthrough is closer than you think.