Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / The Mommysphere Can Be As Bad For Marriage As The Manosphere

Transcript

The Mommysphere Can Be As Bad For Marriage As The Manosphere · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
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  Psych mom show today, I'm going to discuss this scary mommy
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  article, scary mommy. I've been published on scary
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  mommy. Many years ago.
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  It's a website for moms and I'm going to be talking about this
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  one article which is kind of representative of the tone of
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  many articles and what I'm calling the mommies fear and how
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  the mommies fear the Articles written by moms for moms can be
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  as toxic for marital expectations as the manosphere
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  R. Which is articles written by men
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  for men, of course, not all of anything, etc, etc.
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  But you know, generally speaking before that, please do
• 0:44
  subscribe. My most recent episode was on
• 0:46
  why women hate argue errs which really is true.
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  So listen to that one and about 120 more probably by now.
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  Okay so I'm going to read you this article.
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  So the title is this sex therapist explains why she makes
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  out with her husband? Every period?
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  Go. Night, period.
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  Subtitle I am exhausted at the thought of this and it is in the
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  the category for real question mark of the site.
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  It's 7:30 p.m. you just got the kids to sleep after day of
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  working full-time job meal planning for the week.
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  Helping the kids with homework and fitting in a short workout
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  like okay let's stop. Like first of all you know it's
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  like okay really you know, like that is not Every single woman
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  does by herself every day so it's already starting.
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  This idea of like that, you're super mom martyr person and on
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  top of every other aspect of your life and and where's the
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  husband at all of this because most of the time they're
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  helping. But anyway, continue you're
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  exhausted. It's finally time to sit down.
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  Relax and binge-watch love is blind.
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  But wait, did you have your nightly makeout session with
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  your husband, a licensed sex therapist on Tick Tock is going?
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  Viral after insisting that the key to a healthy sex life with
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  your partner is daily make-out sessions.
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  I have so many questions. Vanessa Marin shared in a tick
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  tock video that she and her husband make out every single
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  night. She believes that once the spark
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  of a relationship, inevitably Fades with every deep passionate
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  kiss, our intimate moments X is expected, these kinds of
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  assumptions and expectations can lead to uncomfortable moments
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  resentment and ultimately no physical contact at all.
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  Here's how it usually goes in long-term relationship.
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  She begins. When you first start dating each
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  other, it's like you can't keep your hands off each other,
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  right? You're always touching always.
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  Kissing. But the pattern for most people
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  is once they get into a long-term relationship, they
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  really stop touching and kissing so much and eventually gets to
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  the point where the only time that you're like really kissing
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  each other is, when you're trying to initiate sex.
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  When couples hold onto this kind of mentality, she believes they
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  can suffer from what she calls. The bristle reaction, which is
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  when you become so hyper, Vigilant your partner's touch or
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  kisses that you can actually feel your soft bristle whenever
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  your partner tries to come in and make contact with you while
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  it may seem counterintuitive. Her perspective actually makes
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  sense. She and her partner kiss,
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  intimately daily to help break the connection between deep
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  passion and kisses and the end. Of sex.
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  So they're building physical intimacy, while also setting
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  healthy physical boundaries and their sex life.
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  Science has proven that kids and causes a chemical reaction in
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  your brain. Including a burst of the hormone
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  oxytocin often referred to as the love hormone could stirs up
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  feelings of affection and attachment this method could
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  really work for couples who feel they're not connecting with it
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  comes to sexual expectations. Research, actually shows that
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  once a week is a common Baseline for sex.
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  According to the experts, we wanted to give ourselves lots of
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  experiences when we were making out, it wasn't leading to sex.
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  Marin explain our rule is, we have to make out every Engel
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  night in there has to be some tongue-contact.
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  All right, to sounds great. I agree. 100% And in healthy
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  marriage is this usually happens, you know, I mean making
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  out with with your partner. I say this all the time and only
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  rarely do I get pushed back from men and in that, that's the men
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  to whom. I wrote that my post, if kissing
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  is an implicit sexual contract, this is why your wife doesn't
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  want to kiss you because for some men, they think like all
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  making out has to lead to sex. Not all men, think that
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  obviously and it's obviously Wrong.
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  And of course, if you can make out with your partner regularly
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  without that every single time it has to lead to sex, then you
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  can make out with them multiple times a day, you know.
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  And like I mean I do that she this woman does that that's like
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  a good thing to do. So, great articles.
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  Great so far, I like it and then we get though back to the voice
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  of the writer. If you're wondering how as a
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  busy tired mom, you're supposed to slip your hubby.
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  The tongue every single night. You're Not alone.
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  I to I'm trying to wrap my head around this quote rule, she and
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  her husband have implementing. Mara knows that many might
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  question her approach. Insist that these make-out
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  sessions don't have to be like the hour-long ones you used to
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  have. In those first few spicy months
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  of dating so cheesy, but she's even like limited the honeymoon
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  stage. Do like, you know, like three
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  months maybe Max which is not accurate or it shouldn't be.
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  If we're really exhausted, it can be very fast.
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  She explained. It doesn't need to take much
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  time or much energy. However, she doesn't suspect.
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  In order for it to be a proper, make out there, has to be
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  contact of the tongues one, user commented sharing, the sentiment
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  of so many women. Is it bad that I got really
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  tired of the thought of making out?
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  It's sometimes a lot of effort for me emotionally and
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  physically. Others were totally on board
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  with Mara noting that they participate in similar intimacy
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  practices. We act like teens in the hall
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  sneaking grabs and kisses throughout the day and it helps
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  build fun tension when user set another echoed, 22 years and we
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  kiss and snuggle every day. Even if it's five minutes, is
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  anyone willing to give this a try with their?
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  Aus and report back. I'll be hiding in my pantry in
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  the meantime, okay? So like you know, I mean it's
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  like I don't even need to talk anymore because like it was
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  self-explanatory, but I mean, I will because that's the point of
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  why you listen. So the advice is like so low
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  level. It's so low level.
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  It's like the equivalent of like an article for men that was
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  like, if you Windex the counter for 1 minute, 60 seconds, every
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  day, your wife, We'll be happier and then men are like, is it bad
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  that I just want to go hang out in the garage and maybe jack off
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  a little bit because, you know, like Windex encounter, 460 whole
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  s is like emotionally a lot. Like women would eviscerate that
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  man. Rightly.
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  So, you know, anything that somebody says to do for your
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  marriage that's like less than a fucking minute.
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  You know, or less than five minutes a day that involves like
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  Keeping your clothes on should be thought of as like a real
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  positive. You know, and I don't know, it's
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  like the tone is just it acts. Like every woman in her, right
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  mind would be totally exhausted by even the thought of this.
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  And that's what I mean by the tone of the mommy's fear
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  articles. First of all, we start with this
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  conceptualization of the woman as a super mom, who's doing
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  everything her husband, it doesn't mention him at all.
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  Helping, even though the majority of cases, he is she Not
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  doing all of that by herself, unless she is a single mom, in
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  which case this does not apply and like what she's supposed to
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  be like so exhausted. Yet she can.
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  Binge-watch love is blind at night which is literally about
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  love and sex and, but, but, but it would be so totally normative
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  and expected that like, instead of doing this thing, she would
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  like be so emotionally exhausted that she would hide in her
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  pantry. Away from her husband.
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  So yes, sure. There's a tonne of joking but
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  it's a tone of like, more like commiseration about, like how
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  much it would suck to make out with your husband.
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  And if there was this on the other end, like a tonne of
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  commiseration about how much it, how much it would suck to like,
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  help your wife for five minutes with anything that she wants per
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  day, then it would be really, really, you know, something that
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  will make women extraordinarily mad at men.
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  Like the example I gave about the counter.
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  So The mommies fear frequently has this same type of article
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  where it's like, oh my God, your husband wants sex.
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  That sucks, it's horrible, you know, like, does he even know
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  how much you do? And so women like okay, so the
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  average woman is still having sex with her husband like about,
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  you know, once or twice a week, you know, and the women who
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  aren't though, they read these articles and they think, oh
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  yeah, everybody's in a sexless marriage and I'll get people in
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  my office. That's it.
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  That they're like yeah. We have sex like a few times
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  this year but that's like normal, you know?
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  Because I read about it, I read about how tired women are, you
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  know, and and how all touched out they are.
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  And so, you know, most of us really aren't having sex and
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  it's like, no, that's not true. You know, only ten percent of
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  couples are in sexless marriages as qualified by less than 10
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  times a year and a lot of those are people are pretty old and
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  like you know, postmenopausal Etc.
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  So the reality is it is it is very unusual but yet if you In a
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  sexless marriage. Reading, this stuff is going to
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  make you feel like it's totally normal.
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  And in general, that it's something to be condescended to
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  and mocked that people could have any sort of physical touch.
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  And it's very similar to The manosphere Articles or to porn
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  where guys, get similarly. But on the other end unrealistic
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  expectations for their marriage and for their Partners, like the
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  guys, who are watching a whole bunch of like amateur porn and
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  think that, like, most women are down to just, like record
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  themselves, having sex You know, and or men who are reading stuff
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  in like that think that their women are cheating because
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  manosphere articles are frequently written by these
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  extremely preoccupied. Men who had childhood trauma and
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  then got cheated on and they're like all these terrible things
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  happen because they, you know, pick bad women because of their
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  childhood etcetera. I've discussed this numerous
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  times and then they're writing about how, like, all women
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  cheat. It's like, no, they don't like
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  rates of cheating and women are very low compared to men.
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  It's 13 percent versus twenty percent in men.
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  And when I posted that actually, Testing of these men were like
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  no way, it's like 85% of women, you know, I mean everything.
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  I read on the internet says that women are cheating.
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  Yeah. Like no shit.
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  So, like the men that think that 85% of women cheat are like the
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  women who think that everybody's in a sexless marriage.
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  And so if you reading stuff that amplifies your worldview, then
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  you're just going to take from it, what you can.
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  And you are going to ask you the rest.
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  And when it's written in a very negative way about physical
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  touch as so many of these mom. Articles are then, you know,
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  women are going to assume that it's like normal and healthy to
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  like, not want any physical contact.
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  When that's really not normal and healthy within a marriage,
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  not want any physical contact and to be disgusted, and, and
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  exhausted by the fact of making out with your husband also.
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  It's like, when would you have the time in the actual example,
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  the woman is situated for, at least an hour.
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  Binge, watch has to be, at least an hour, possibly more on the
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  couch. What Doing a show involving
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  Attractive, people trying to partner with one another.
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  Many of whom are making out so at least in later episodes of
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  Love is Blind after they meet each other.
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  So it's not at and just from, you know, personal experience as
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  a psychologist working with people.
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  A lot of these women are also having a glass of wine then and
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  they're on their phone and they're doing like a million
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  things. He's why is it so Bizarro to
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  think that at that moment you could make out with your husband
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  for 60 seconds in the way that this acts.
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  Like, you know, this Is the I would expect a tone like this
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  who was like you know licensed sex therapist says that a real
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  good way to bond is to give your husband a blow job like you know
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  every single night at 8:30 to completion and then maybe follow
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  it up with a nice back rub and the women are like the fuck.
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  Are you talking about? I'm exhausted, you know.
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  All right. Sure.
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  This involves some some effort, right.
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  The other one doesn't really. So if it's so horrible for you
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  to think about making out your husband, that's really a you
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  problem. It may be him problem.
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  Maybe smells bad. I talk about that all the time.
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  Hygiene. Maybe he's a terrible kisser but
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  if he's not, if he smells alright, and he's an all right,
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  kiss her and you still are disgusted.
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  It's maybe a you problem. It may be a terrible marital
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  problem that you feel very detached from him and your
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  girl's. Marriage is terrible.
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  You should get its counseling. It may be that you yourself are
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  like very sexy, a verse and you know need to work on that if you
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  want to stay together with somebody in a romantic
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  relationship. But I think that if you're
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  disgusted by the idea of an open-mouth kiss with your
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  husband, that speaks to a larger issue that isn't just like, oh,
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  you know, I mean, everybody feels like this.
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  So of course, it's normal. It's not normal.
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  So I'm normal and healthy to be disgusted by the idea, French,
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  kissing your husband. I don't know if people say
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  French kissing anymore, but but yeah, I mean, so it's just as
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  crazy. The tone of this and as toxic
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  for marriages, and they do this, One example, I could read you,
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  lots of articles, but it would bore both of us.
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  The point is, this is just as toxic as the mailman who sphere
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  articles that are things like, you know, like ways to fit in
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  all all eight sexual positions during a 15-minute encounter
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  with your wife. It's like, no, your wife ain't
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  gonna want to do that shit, you know, and most women are not
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  because as I've discussed, that's porn Montage sex.
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  But like either way, like, it's just like a very high bar, you
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  know, for what you're going to. Do on the average day.
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  And obviously porn is even worse than that, right?
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  So it's saying, basically that women are going to be down to
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  literally do the blow job and back rubs scenario.
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  That I said as a joke, it was a joke.
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  So so the thing is here, you know, you got to think about the
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  source. And if you are a woman that
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  didn't date yourself, you know, I empathize with it because your
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  feed, your Facebook feed, and everything that Google looks for
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  for you and your You know, recommended articles is going to
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  be, you know, mommy's fear stuff.
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  A lot of the time but look at the tone you know, like like
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  like think about how this writer is, husband may feel seeing her
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  right that you'd rather hide in the pantry haha, then make out
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  with him because even the thought of it makes her
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  exhausted, you know? I mean probably not great
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  probably as bad as she would feel if he said, oh my God, it's
• 14:29
  the day. I'm supposed to compliment.
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  My wife. Oh God.
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  Her love language is words. And I can't think of anything to
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  compliment her on. I've been working all day
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  busting my ass for this family. Then I came home, I help the
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  kids with their homework, then I mowed the lawn till it got dark
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  out and then I fixed up some shit that I had to do in the
• 14:48
  garage. And now she wants a fucking
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  compliment. Jesus Christ will what will my
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  trials and tribulations? Never end.
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  I mean you know she probably wouldn't like him posting that
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  and a national magazine. So anyway you gotta think about
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  the source with these things and you also got to watch out for
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  the normalization. Of sexlessness and touchless
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  Nets because it is in fact, not normal, or healthy to really
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  feel disgusted and, or quote exhausted at the thought of any
• 15:16
  sort of 60 second intervention in your marriage.
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  And if it is there are many reasons why it could be that or
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  not, just that every woman, feels like this including
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  depression, marital issues, sexual trauma history, anxiety.
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  Disconnect in bed from, you know, anything positive
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  happening, such that you have come to associate.
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  Your husband with only negative experiences in the touch domain
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  lack of technique lack of hygiene.
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  I mean, there's like a million things here, but none of them
• 15:49
  are just like, oh, this is like a totally, you know, normal way
• 15:53
  for women to feel as disgusted by the idea of a open-mouth
• 15:56
  kissing with their husband died. Quote exhausted.
• 15:59
  All right. So that's what I have to say on
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  this and I hope you guys found it interesting.
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  And I will talk Talk to you soon.
• 16:05
  Please do subscribe. If you have not, and if you ever
• 16:09
  do want to work on these issues, I have an intimacy coach,
• 16:11
  Heather, and I have a relationship coach cat, they
• 16:14
  both work for me and if you're in my area I also have couples
• 16:17
  actual the therapists that are licensed therapists but coaches
• 16:20
  provide you know, much much the same experience quite honestly,
• 16:24
  particularly in the relationship sphere and I will talk to you
• 16:28
  soon. Have a great day guys.