Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / When in Rome... Have Sex! (The Impact Of Confident Momentum)

Transcript

When in Rome... Have Sex! (The Impact Of Confident Momentum) · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody and welcome to the Doctor Psych Mom Show.
• 0:09
  Today we're going to be talking about the impact of Confident
• 0:11
  Momentum, what that is. I have a post about it but I
• 0:15
  will talk about it here and why when in Rome you know you have
• 0:21
  sex. So the the point is of this is
• 0:26
  that you can set a frame that makes it obvious to your wife
• 0:31
  that you guys have a sex life and that that is part of your
• 0:34
  marriage. And I will talk about that right
• 0:37
  after I tell you to subscribe. My next one's going to be a
• 0:40
  subscriber only. So you'll miss that one if you
• 0:42
  do not subscribe. And the most recent one on why
• 0:45
  your partner sends you so many memes and videos and all sorts
• 0:48
  of subscriber episodes, including oral sex on women,
• 0:51
  what you don't know, which some male follower equated to the
• 0:54
  Rosetta Stone. So that was good.
• 0:57
  All right. And that's only for 899 a month,
• 0:59
  which is massively low for all of the content that you get,
• 1:02
  which people write into me every day transforms their marriages.
• 1:05
  So that's that's really great. And I always appreciate those
• 1:08
  emails where people tell me how much I help them.
• 1:11
  OK. So anyway, when you're in Rome,
• 1:15
  you act like a Roman. It's like kind of the point of
• 1:17
  this, right? And you do as the Romans do.
• 1:21
  And what does this mean for your marriage?
• 1:24
  It means that either person at any point can set the frame or
• 1:29
  impact the culture of the relationship.
• 1:31
  And of course, you know this from parenting, right?
• 1:35
  So if you're having a good day, aren't the kids having a good
• 1:38
  day unless they're teenagers? Then, like, it's maybe 10% is
• 1:41
  impacted by you. But if they're little kids and
• 1:45
  you come in, they're like, hey guys, we're going to go
• 1:47
  somewhere fun today. Isn't everybody excited?
• 1:50
  Obviously if you're laying on the couch being like another
• 1:53
  day, well then the kids are going to be kind of negative and
• 1:58
  difficult and irritable as well. Obviously, I tell people all the
• 2:02
  time and it it's always a slap in the face, wake up, call in
• 2:06
  couples counseling, they'll be like, Oh yeah, the kids bicker
• 2:08
  so much and I'm like, oh, like you guys.
• 2:11
  And they're like, it's like, whoa, what the fuck?
• 2:14
  Like they never thought about it.
• 2:16
  They're like, oh, my God, yeah, like us, you know, exactly like
• 2:21
  us. Competitive, you know, one
• 2:24
  upmanship, irritability, not sharing.
• 2:28
  Just like us, you know. And and it's of course, the
• 2:32
  adults set the frame of the home, but the adults can also
• 2:36
  set the frame for one another. So if your husband or your wife
• 2:40
  comes in in an awesome mood and they're smiling and they're
• 2:42
  happy and they're making jokes, usually that's great and that
• 2:46
  lifts the entire mood of the home.
• 2:49
  Now there are differences like there are because some people be
• 2:51
  like that motherfucker came in making jokes when he sees how
• 2:55
  how you know my day has sucked the whole day.
• 2:58
  Well, that's a little bit different, right?
• 2:59
  So if somebody literally like you come in, they come in and
• 3:03
  one kid is throwing up and one kid is crying and he's like, hey
• 3:06
  sweetheart and slaps you on the ass, you're probably going to be
• 3:09
  really mad, right? But there is, there is certainly
• 3:13
  a balance. If all else was neutral, if your
• 3:15
  husband came home and you and the kids were just watching TV
• 3:18
  on the couch and he was in a good mood and the kids ran over
• 3:21
  and said daddy, and he threw them up in the air and he joked
• 3:23
  around with them and he came over with a smile and he kissed
• 3:26
  you. That's going to lift the mood of
• 3:28
  the home versus men that come in and they just look like their
• 3:32
  dog just died. And they're so stressed out and
• 3:34
  they need to, you know, decompress and nobody can talk
• 3:37
  to them, which are more rigid and anxious and depressive kind
• 3:40
  of guys. And in that case, I even had
• 3:42
  somebody write in years ago for advice on a husband who always
• 3:45
  came in, you know, with a black cloud over his head and it would
• 3:48
  just like ruin the, the, the, the whole atmosphere of the
• 3:52
  home. So the point is that either
• 3:55
  adult can change the mood for the other adult.
• 3:58
  And so a lot of men and I talk about this so much, the average
• 4:03
  man is not preoccupied attachment, but the average male
• 4:05
  listener to this podcast is because those are the guys that
• 4:08
  seek out relationship help on the Internet and go to therapy
• 4:11
  and worry about the relationship, et cetera.
• 4:13
  So if you're a preoccupied attachment guy and go back to my
• 4:17
  Attachment Styles podcast and all the other ones on
• 4:20
  attachment, but then you worry too much what your wife thinks
• 4:25
  and not enough about what she needs and how to actually be a
• 4:28
  good and ethical family member. It's all about not getting into
• 4:32
  trouble and being a good boy and her not yelling at you rather
• 4:36
  than in any way long term changing the home or the family
• 4:40
  life for the better. These are the guys who kind of
• 4:43
  say to the kids, don't make mommy upset, even though that's
• 4:47
  like crazy and dysfunctional. And if they're always making
• 4:51
  mommy upset by just breathing, then the problems with mommy.
• 4:56
  And then if you were actually being a good husband, you would
• 4:59
  tell your wife that she needed to work on her depression with
• 5:02
  empathy and love. And I talk about how to address
• 5:04
  how to deal when your wife is depressed.
• 5:06
  And this is something that I say in that podcast and those posts,
• 5:09
  but guys that are very anxious, anxious attachment, they are
• 5:15
  looking at their relationship through.
• 5:17
  I don't want to get in trouble lens versus how they can be a
• 5:21
  better partner. And there are women that are
• 5:23
  preoccupied attachment to more of them in the world than
• 5:26
  preoccupied attachment men and they are doing the same thing.
• 5:29
  How can I walk on egg shells and how can I basically make this
• 5:34
  man act nice to me and love me versus how can I make this a
• 5:38
  better family unit? Because you get too anxious
• 5:40
  about the person's immediate response to you because too much
• 5:43
  of yourself esteem is riding on it.
• 5:45
  So this is a lot of attachment stuff and if any of that
• 5:47
  resonates with you then you should be in deeper insight
• 5:50
  oriented psychotherapy That can really help you get at the root
• 5:53
  of why you act this way, right? And what in your upbringing you
• 5:57
  saw that makes you feel like the most important thing is to get
• 6:00
  your partner's approval in the moment versus any long term
• 6:04
  positive change or healthy dynamic in the hope.
• 6:07
  But anyway, when in Rome, do as the Romans do.
• 6:09
  So if you come in as a man and you act like you guys are in a
• 6:15
  romantic relationship where you're going to have sex, you're
• 6:17
  like 1000 times more likely to have sex.
• 6:20
  You know, So women, it's like, you know, it's the most awkward
• 6:23
  thing in the world is like doing something that goes against
• 6:26
  somebody's expectations and seeing them fall flat on their
• 6:29
  face. Unless somebody really hates
• 6:31
  you, they do not want to see you humiliated like that.
• 6:34
  So for example, if you brought home chocolate for your wife and
• 6:38
  you were so proud of yourself for doing it, not in a
• 6:40
  narcissistic way, but you were like you really thought that she
• 6:43
  was going to like it, How about we think about it like this?
• 6:45
  Your kid comes home. I always give this example and
• 6:48
  gives you some piece of shit thing made out of Popsicle
• 6:50
  sticks that looked like the dog threw it up and he's so proud of
• 6:53
  it. Don't you love it?
• 6:54
  Doesn't it stay in your office, like, forever and ever?
• 6:56
  Of course, because he was so proud of it.
• 6:59
  He was setting the He thought you were really going to like
• 7:02
  it. That was like the cute part he
• 7:03
  thought was like super good, you know, And it was super, super,
• 7:07
  like well done. And it was like obviously like a
• 7:10
  building, you know? And so then of course you're
• 7:13
  going to join in the frame. There's like a meme.
• 7:15
  It's like it doesn't matter how tough you are when a 2 year old
• 7:18
  gives you a toy phone. You pick it up and say hello,
• 7:21
  you know, because the two year old is setting the frame and
• 7:25
  nobody wants to embarrass the two year old.
• 7:27
  Nobody says no, this isn't real, like unless you're actually a
• 7:31
  sociopath, you know? Or on the spectrum really far.
• 7:34
  And so the the point is here. Most people understand when a
• 7:40
  human being is trying to set a frame, and if that is a person
• 7:43
  that you love, they they will go along with it.
• 7:46
  So if you come in and you're so happy, 'cause you bought your
• 7:48
  wife chocolate, she's not probably going to be like, well,
• 7:52
  I can't eat that because I'm on a diet.
• 7:54
  She's probably going to be like, thank you.
• 7:56
  Now, if you just kind of left it on the counter, 'cause you're
• 7:59
  anxious about her response, then she may well say, well, I'm
• 8:03
  going to give this to the kids, 'cause, you know, I'm on a diet,
• 8:05
  you know, which you didn't know, not in in the situation where
• 8:08
  she literally tells you I am on a diet, don't get her chocolate.
• 8:11
  That's like crazy. But I'm talking about a
• 8:13
  situation where you don't know that, right?
• 8:17
  But if you come in and it's like it's just like your birthday or
• 8:20
  Christmas or something, if your husband is happy to give you a
• 8:23
  present, it doesn't matter if it's really good or not.
• 8:25
  If you're a loving person, you're going to act like it's
• 8:27
  good. And I hope he does the same to
• 8:28
  you, you know? And if not, that's something to
• 8:31
  think about and work on, right? And think about the origin of
• 8:34
  why you or he wouldn't do that. But if your husband sweeps in
• 8:38
  and he's happy and he's flirting and he's and he gives you a kiss
• 8:44
  and he says, sweetheart, I got a sitter.
• 8:45
  We're going on date night tonight.
• 8:47
  Then you get there and he's like happy to interact with you.
• 8:50
  And he, he drove you and he's happy to talk to you.
• 8:53
  And then you come home and he initiates like a kiss and a hug
• 8:56
  and he seems like it's going to go down.
• 8:59
  Then it probably is, You know, I mean, it really probably is.
• 9:03
  You get caught up in the atmosphere on the frame Now
• 9:06
  where the Matosphere takes us to a point of ridiculousness is
• 9:09
  they're like because you have like created attraction.
• 9:14
  No, like, you know, basically as I said so many times, you're
• 9:17
  basically your attraction to your husband after a certain
• 9:20
  point is 1000 times more about where you are in your cycle than
• 9:23
  anything he could do or not do. But if you love your husband and
• 9:27
  he's trying to make it a nice night, then you're going to go
• 9:30
  along with it. Because it's easier, honestly,
• 9:34
  in many ways, than not going along with it.
• 9:36
  And because if you love him, then you think it'll be fun.
• 9:39
  This is like my podcast on Do high libido women have
• 9:42
  spontaneous desire? No, not usually.
• 9:45
  Not unless they're ovulating. Or in the first half of the
• 9:47
  cycle, maybe, But but they know that sex will be enjoyable.
• 9:52
  And so therefore the frame is set for them.
• 9:55
  Sex equals enjoyable. So I just have to start it and
• 9:59
  power through the first 5-10 minutes of foreplay and then
• 10:02
  I'll get into it. That's how the higher libido
• 10:04
  woman within monogamy with age thinks versus the lower libido
• 10:08
  woman thinks. This is just going to be
• 10:09
  terrible, like it always is. But the the point being that if
• 10:14
  you set the frame, then your wife is in Rome and shit, it's
• 10:18
  just like vacation. Vacation sets its own frame.
• 10:21
  Nobody wants to go home from vacation without having sex
• 10:24
  unless the the marriage is a real garbage fire, you know, and
• 10:28
  it's just completely sexless and it's like really messed up.
• 10:31
  In which case you should have been in couples counseling
• 10:33
  yesterday, you know, with the second best time being today or
• 10:37
  10 years ago with the second best time being today.
• 10:40
  But the the point being, most people know that on vacation you
• 10:43
  have sex if you're a loving couple, and therefore the frame
• 10:46
  of vacation is that we have sex. And so within that frame it's
• 10:50
  easy to go along with it. It would be so awkward to not,
• 10:53
  and it would mean something so bad about the relationship that
• 10:56
  most people will. And then once they do, then they
• 10:58
  enjoy it and they're happy that they did it.
• 11:00
  So it can be the same thing. You can bring this so confident
• 11:03
  momentum. Confident momentum was a
• 11:05
  parenting term that John at Lansbury, I think a gentle
• 11:09
  parenting person came up with that basically talks about this
• 11:13
  thing that I said at the very beginning, which is like how do
• 11:16
  preschool teachers have the ability to get your kids to
• 11:19
  listen and you don't Because they bring their a game, they
• 11:22
  they they talk in a way that it makes it obvious that the kid is
• 11:26
  supposed to go along with it. We are group mammals.
• 11:29
  This is how like somebody, some meerkat becomes the alpha
• 11:32
  meerkat or the alpha chimp in chimp empire.
• 11:35
  They have confident momentum. You you know these people,
• 11:38
  they're charismatic. You just want to go along with
• 11:40
  what they're doing. They're usually the group leader
• 11:44
  in in any situation and so they set the frame and then everybody
• 11:47
  thinks it's fun. So like the group, you know,
• 11:50
  like the person in a in a middle school group of friends, right?
• 11:54
  Friend group. Everything now is the fucking
• 11:56
  friend group. OK, so then you got like the
• 11:59
  leader of the friend group says, guys, let's go to CVS and look
• 12:03
  at the makeup. Now if a different lower echelon
• 12:07
  member of the friend group of middle school girls would have
• 12:10
  said let's go to CVS and look at the makeup, then people might
• 12:13
  have said that's boring. That's stupid.
• 12:15
  I don't want to do that, right? No, let's do something else.
• 12:17
  But if the top dog says, hey guys, I know what would be fun,
• 12:21
  We're going to go to CVS and look at the makeup and
• 12:24
  everybody's like, Oh my God, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know,
• 12:28
  right. So that is confident momentum.
• 12:32
  That person comes in and sets the frame.
• 12:34
  And you know, people like this in your life, right?
• 12:36
  Think about it. And so you could be that person
• 12:39
  is my point. You could be that person in your
• 12:41
  marriage. You come in, you say we are
• 12:44
  basically in a romantic marriage, like you without
• 12:47
  saying that. I mean, say it if you want.
• 12:49
  The point is you want to be setting the frame of we are
• 12:54
  currently in a romantic marriage.
• 12:57
  This experience we are having is going well and you could see it
• 13:00
  on my face and you have to fake that till you make it.
• 13:03
  If you're a more insecure guy, yes, of course you do,
• 13:05
  obviously. Just like you have to fake it
• 13:07
  when you make it, when you're like trying to get into a good
• 13:10
  mood for your kids, when you're in a bad mood or if you didn't
• 13:13
  get any sleep last night, you go to your kids swim meet and just
• 13:16
  lay on the floor. I hope not, right?
• 13:18
  You still act like you give a shit and you still act like you
• 13:22
  saw, even if you like, literally closed your eyes during him
• 13:26
  swimming, you would still say great job buddy, right?
• 13:30
  Because you're not a Dick. So it's like the same kind of
• 13:32
  thing. And now how could this work for
• 13:34
  women by the way? Because women's number one, I
• 13:38
  ask a lot of women, particularly women that are coming into
• 13:41
  couples counselling, is that he doesn't engage with stuff in the
• 13:44
  home. Well, think about how different
• 13:45
  it is. If you say, oh, honey, come
• 13:48
  here, we're all reading this book together.
• 13:50
  We're going to take turns, you're next.
• 13:53
  That how's he going to be like, no, like he's such a douche bag
• 13:56
  that if he says no, nobody wants to be a douche bag, right.
• 13:59
  So versus if you're reading to the kids, you give him the side
• 14:03
  eye the whole time. You give a little, oh, you know,
• 14:08
  I guess. I guess you're busy.
• 14:10
  Oh, oh, are you still working? OK, OK well, then why the why
• 14:16
  would he even come over? You know why?
• 14:18
  Like, it doesn't even make any sense.
• 14:20
  Obviously his value is not to read out loud to the kids,
• 14:23
  right. Then you know how long kids
• 14:24
  lived in the world, alive and happy, without parents
• 14:27
  constantly reading to them. But if your value is to include
• 14:31
  him and you think that's like a great thing and you want that to
• 14:34
  be a fun and enjoyable part of you guys parenting kids, then
• 14:37
  lead with some confident momentum.
• 14:40
  Women can lead to, obviously. Obviously.
• 14:43
  So, you know, lead with that. Or if you want to do some big
• 14:46
  home repair project instead of being like this house is
• 14:50
  terrible. The only thing that could
• 14:51
  possibly make it suck even like 5% less would be if we had like
• 14:55
  a $75,000 kitchen renovation. But the downside is that it
• 14:59
  would suck during that too. And then in couples therapy, be
• 15:03
  like, he obstructs me from getting a kitchen renovation.
• 15:06
  Well, you made it sound like worse than death, So what the
• 15:09
  fuck? Why would he even do it versus
• 15:11
  if you're like, Oh my God, this house.
• 15:14
  You know, it could be even better with a kitchen
• 15:16
  renovation. I'm going to try to get the
• 15:18
  budget down. Let's look at it together right
• 15:20
  now. Come here.
• 15:22
  What do you like better? Well, I mean, then he's going to
• 15:25
  come there. He's going to be happy that
• 15:27
  you're smiling, You know, it's we are mammals that are meant to
• 15:31
  be in a group. If somebody is leading with a
• 15:34
  certain initiative, how do you think all the elephants decide,
• 15:37
  like, where they're going to go next to find water?
• 15:39
  Some big fucking alpha elephant just goes there with confident
• 15:43
  momentum. Then the other elephants go too.
• 15:46
  You've got to think about it evolutionarily, you know you
• 15:49
  want to be the alpha elephant about the shit that you care
• 15:51
  about in your marriage. Otherwise, nobody's going to be
• 15:53
  doing it and then you're just going to be some dead elephants
• 15:56
  that never got to water because nobody was leading anybody,
• 16:00
  right? So the point The point being
• 16:03
  that if you create a certain feeling, it will go like when in
• 16:09
  Rome, do as the Romans do for your wife, or for your husband
• 16:12
  for that matter, for anybody. If a woman started flirting with
• 16:15
  her husband more, he usually flirts back, even if he was the
• 16:19
  most unromantic guy in the world, even if he was just like
• 16:23
  a scoop of Mashed potato sitting on the couch.
• 16:25
  If she snuggles up to him and acts like he's like so handsome,
• 16:29
  he's probably going to respond. Unless he's dead, you know?
• 16:32
  And if he doesn't, then that would be something for couples
• 16:35
  counseling. But couples counseling is
• 16:37
  expensive, so try all this DIY shit that I teach you first.
• 16:41
  All right. I hope you guys enjoyed this and
• 16:43
  I will talk to you all soon. Bye.
• 16:44
  Bye.