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How to Put Yourself Out There · Gay Men Going Deeper

• 0:00
  Speaker A: Foreign.
• 0:09
  Speaker B: Welcome to Gaming Going Deeper, the podcast by the Gaiman's Brotherhood that showcases raw and real conversations about personal development, mental health and sexuality from an unapologetically gay perspective. I am your host, Matt Lansdell, and joining me today are Michael Diorio and Reno Johnston. Welcome, boys. Today we're talking about how to put yourself out there. We're going to be exploring questions like what fears or limiting beliefs hold you back from putting yourself out there? Can you share a moment when you took a risk to put yourself out there? And what did you learn from it? And how can someone build confidence to put themselves out there when they may feel invisible, rejected, or even afraid of judgment? So what we want you to get out of today's episode is just a greater awareness of the ways in which you might be keeping yourself hidden and small and invisible. We want to inspire you with this episode to be more visible and to share more of yourself with the world. If you're new here, welcome and please subscribe to our channel on YouTube. And if you're listening on your favorite podcast platform, please subscribe and leave us a review which helps us get into the ears of the people who need us and a reminder that this podcast and YouTube channel are listener and viewer supported. If you enjoy what we're creating, you can support us by making a donation to the show and using the link in the show notes, or you can tap the thanks button on YouTube to show your love there. You can also subscribe to the early access option on Apple Podcast where you can listen ad free and you can gain early access to episodes. All your support helps us continue making content for you and supporting our community. And for that we do thank you. Thank you in advance. All right, I'm going to do a less traditional monologue today. I want to bring you guys on a little bit of a journey. So listener, viewer, as well as you two, I want you just to take a moment and just think to yourself, what does putting yourself out there mean to you? Do you visualize something? Are you on a stage? Are you saying something on social media? In what ways are you putting yourself out there? When you think about that, just use your imagination and take a moment and just think about. When you think about putting yourself out there, who are you putting yourself out there to? Who's receiving you? Who are the people that you would be concerned about them receiving you? Maybe it's your family, your partner, maybe it's other gay men, maybe it's your boss. I want you just take a moment and think about how do you want to be seen by these people? Do you want to be seen as fun or smart or sexy, courageous? And then just take a moment and contemplate, can you actually control how people see you? And I choose the word control very deliberatively because sure, we can influence, right, the way we show up will influence how people perceive us. But at the end of the day, everyone has their own filters of how they're going to perceive us. So we really can't control how people see us. We can just really control how we're sharing ourselves and, and the ways we're putting ourselves out there. And then just think about some of the ways that you might want to put yourself out there. For some people it might be like trying new things. Maybe it's meeting new people, maybe it's putting yourself out there to date online dating or maybe going to a speed dating event. Maybe it's sharing your ideas, speaking up in a meeting or coming on a podcast and sharing, sharing who you are and what you're about. Maybe it's to join the brotherhood or join some other form of group or community. And one of the main ways I think we're putting ourselves out there lately is social media. So what would that be like to get on and record a video of yourself just sharing who you are and what you're about. And the next question I have is like, what are you seeking in doing that? If you are putting yourself out there, what would you be looking to receive? Right? On the other side of fear or putting ourselves out there, there's something that we're going to get back. So what would that be? What would that thing be for you? Maybe it's recognition, a sense of significance, maybe it's connection or love, support, right? We have to put ourselves out there in order to get support, asking for help, these sorts of things. Maybe like what we do here, we're here to inspire you guys. So Maybe your, your M.O. is to inspire people or to impact people to change in some way. And a common one that we see in our community is belonging. People are wanting to belong. So in order to belong you have to put yourself out there, right? Maybe it's fame, maybe you're wanting to become famous. You're wanting to really put yourself out there in on a big stage. And for some people it might just be growth, personal growth, putting yourself out there to, to really practice courage and to practice showing up, building self esteem. So many of us want these things, right? But a lot of us are held back by fear, by self limiting beliefs. By times when we did put ourselves out there and we were rejected or we were criticized. So I want to really normalize this because a lot of us are terrified of putting ourselves out there. Especially when we're putting ourselves out there. When we don't go with the norm. Right? Like being gay, coming out, putting ourselves out there. We're not going with the norm. Right. We're so. It can cause us to have a lot of fear. So I want to hear from you guys about your fears and limiting beliefs that would hold you back from putting yourself out there. And today, why don't we start with Reno?
• 5:43
  Speaker C: Something that I find I really struggle with these days, and this might come as a shock to people because I am so good at putting myself out there is. It's perfectionism. So I was having a conversation with someone, I think it was like, maybe yesterday or the day before, and I. It was Wednesday. And I said to her, I am cruising through my life with the E brake on, if you can imagine. And I equate that to some of the. The thoughts or the beliefs that I hold. And then also my nervous system's capacity for. Well, I'll just say my nervous system's capacity, I guess, to be experiencing, to make space for. To be an expression of. And how, like, what's happening up here in my mind, what's happening in my nervous system and what's happening in my world and in the world around me all kind of relate and coexist. So I'm navigating that soup. And what I see is that I could be even more visible. I could be even more prolific in my creativity. Like, there could be more of me on display, more of me available in ways. And so what that looks like is being more visible in terms of my writing, being more visible in terms of the videos and the messaging and the creativity and the expression that I put out into the world, whether it's on social media or whether it's on, you know, a stage or whether it's in a room or what have you. And what I'm aware of is that there's this. There's this underlying fear that if it's not just right, it's going to make me vulnerable or susceptible to criticism, to be misunderstood, to be misrepresented, to be misinterpreted. And I don't enjoy that. It's a concern for me. Like, it's something that I think probably from the time I was little, I was uncomfortable with. And it's not because I can't handle the Heat or the smoke. It's that being misrepresented or misunderstood or misinterpreted. It's important to me that how I'm coming across is reflective of how I mean to come across. I think that that's the important part for me, which it's funny because I'm just looking at, like, my diplomas here and, like, I got into communications and public relations. You know, I'm sort of a wordsmith. Like, I know I know how to use words and language and how to present myself in a way that elicits a desired response. Now, that may sound really strategic, and it can be, for sure. And also, there's a lot of authenticity and sincerity in the way that I put myself out into the world. And also some of it is to get ahead of. I'll give you an example. When I'm creating something, sometimes I'm already aware of what people are going to say or might say in response to the thing I'm putting out. And so I'm curating my writing so that we don't even have to get into that. I'm like, yeah, I already know you're going to challenge me on this or call me out on this or whatever. So, you know, I'm going to word this in a way that's genuine for me, but also just addresses that before you even get into my comments and get into it with me, because I'm not going there with you. So I think, yeah, there's this piece around perfectionism, for sure. Wanting to get out in the head of being misinterpreted or misunderstood or misrepresented. That's a big one.
• 9:45
  Speaker B: What do you make that mean? Like, if you're misinterpreted or misrepresented, what does that mean for you?
• 9:50
  Speaker C: That's a good question. I don't know, like, that I'm not understood. Like, it's important to me to be understood or something, I guess I think that's it. Like, you immediately there's this feeling of, like, defensiveness, like, you don't know me or. Yeah, I have this thing around. Like, it's a good question. It's a good question. I'm not.
• 10:10
  Speaker B: Let me ask it in a different way because it might help you. How do you feel when you feel understood?
• 10:15
  Speaker C: Ah, okay. Connected, safe, secure. Yeah, those three things for sure. Yeah, they. Secure, I think I feel safe. I feel secure. Yeah, I feel connected. Those three things, definitely. Because I also notice actually, like, well, there's another thing where if I don't know Where I stand with someone, it, like, makes me really uncomfortable. Like, to be honest, I'm like, I don't care if you don't. Like, like, like, it doesn't really bother me if you don't like me. I just don't like knowing where I stand with someone. If you like me, I want to know that. If you don't, I want to know that I'm okay with either. I just want to know where I stand with you.
• 10:57
  Speaker B: Yeah, it's interesting. The opposite of those things would be, like, disconnected and insecure. Right. And I can relate. Like, when I'm not sure where I stand with somebody, right. Like, it makes me feel unsafe and insecure because I'm like, I don't know how to relate to.
• 11:11
  Speaker C: Totally. Yeah. Yeah. And, like, are you really seeing. Like, are you actually seeing me? Because here's another important piece of this whole thing. I'm someone who is very aware of nuance and is very discerning. And I don't always trust that the people around me have that same capacity. Which is why, for me, sometimes it feels really tricky to put myself out there or say things, because I'm like, I'm someone who. We, as people in general, are incredibly nuanced and dynamic and complex, and we're also very simple. So when I'm expressing myself or I'm saying something or I'm putting myself out there, if someone takes what I'm saying at face value or what. How I'm being or who I'm being, at face value, the issue I have is that there's so much there that they're missing. And so sometimes I'll even withhold what I have to say because I'm like, if this group of people is looking at it and they're hearing it, they're going to hear and see this. But if this, you know, but if. If a more discerning group of people who values and recognizes nuance is hearing and seeing what's going on here, they're going to get it. So sometimes I'll just go, you know what? Just to, like, spare myself any issues. I'm not even going to touch this one, you know, because then I'm going to have to unpack it and get into it with people who just, like, I don't know, maybe don't get it. Maybe don't want to get it, you know? But in closing, because I've gone on quite a tangent, I'll just say I'm learning to. Someone said to me one time, if you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't, then be damned. And I was like, ooh, I like that. You know, and that's some, like, Zen cone shit right there. But, yeah, it's brilliant. Some of the best guidance I've ever received.
• 13:04
  Speaker B: Yeah, I think a lot of. A lot of listeners are going to relate to that. Yeah, I just think a lot of listeners are going to relate to what you just said. Yeah. What about you, Michael?
• 13:12
  Speaker A: Yeah, I certainly related to everything you just said there. You know, I was nodding along with everything you're saying, and that's pretty much the same answer for me. But let me kind of answer it in my. In my own way, with my own little history of me. It's been a long journey for me in putting myself out there. I had very high social anxiety as a kid. I couldn't even muster five words together. I was painfully shy, extremely quiet. Anyone in my family would be shocked to see that this is what I do today. They are. When they're like, what? This is what you do? You know, look at me now. Let's fast forward from that. I put myself out there a lot, and I am similar humor and I think pretty good at it in dating, in love, in work, in very visible ways. But the truth, I don't always admit, especially these days, is that it's easy for me to put myself out there in ways that feel safe and polished for me, because there's very little risk in that. Okay, I like what you were saying, Reno. I totally get what you mean by that. But when it comes to. For me, that messy, vulnerable stuff, when I'm not at my best or not the way I would like people to see me, that's where there's hesitation of putting myself out there. Fear, avoidance. And this is both personally and professionally. So let me answer your question specifically. What fears or limiting beliefs hold me back from putting myself out there? So I went into my brain this week because we had the questions a few days ago, and I'm like, I'm gonna just track this and share some with you. So here's what it sounds like in my mind. Real examples, direct from Michael's mind to you viewer listeners out there. Okay. With respect to a boy that I like. So this is in the personal realm. I was in a very bad mood on Tuesday, and I was seeing him, and I thought, if he sees that I'm in a bad mood, he won't like me anymore. That was direct. Okay? And then in the professional sense, in the work sense, it Was if I share this story on the podcast, my audience will think less of me. Okay, so, Reno, exactly what you said. When I dig deeper here, the real fear is being misunderstood. That's what I kind of take it back to. So when you're saying that's like, oh, my gosh, I'm exactly the same or worse, ignored, rejected. And here's the thing, you know, as we were talking, I often am misunderstood. Bit of pattern in my life. I misunderstood a lot. I've also been rejected and ignored quite a bit, too. So it's not like my brain is like inventing something out of nothing here. Those wounds are very real. But the work for me, and we'll talk about. Bit more about this later, is learning how to show up anyway because it's worth it. And even with those fears kind of sitting there kind of on my shoulder or like in my. My little handbag, it's like, okay, you're coming with me. We're going to do this. So, yeah, I would say it's. It's very similar to what you had. Sereno and Matt, I really appreciated the beginning asking that question, how do you want to be perceived? I think that kind of nailed it.
• 16:10
  Speaker B: Yeah. What came up for you when I asked that?
• 16:13
  Speaker A: It really depends. So in the case of this boy, it was. He's not a boy as a man, but I just say boy. I was like, I want him to perceive me as someone who, like, has my shit together and doesn't have a bad day and is always, like, strong and got it together. Especially because we've just started kind of dating, I guess. And then with respect to the audience, the one about that is I want y' all to see me as, you know, someone who, again, has a shit together and doesn't struggle as much. Even though we definitely talk about struggles here. It's like when you coach on confidence and then you tell people, hey, by the way, I struggle in confidence. You know, it's like, oh, I don't want them to think that I don't know what I'm talking about.
• 16:51
  Speaker C: Yeah, this is so good. Because when you frame it that way, I'm like, yeah, it's like, what is the thing, like, coming back? Because I think this is maybe what you were trying to get at in some ways. And I love that you said that, because it's like, I want people to think that I'm smart. Yeah, right. I don't want people to think that I'm stupid. And I also want people to. To think that I care. I Don't want people to think that I don't give a shit. I want them to think that I'm someone who cares about people. So thank you for sharing what you just shared, Michael, because you just helped me sort of get closer to, like, the root of what all of that's about for me. And it's like, yeah, I want to be perceived and experienced as caring and intelligent. And if I'm not, that means blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know?
• 17:38
  Speaker A: Yeah, we can thank Matt for it.
• 17:40
  Speaker C: Yeah, thank you.
• 17:42
  Speaker B: I think that's like, when I was asking, like, what does it mean to you to be misunderstood? I think that's the question. A lot of us are really terrified of putting ourselves out there. And I think, yeah, like, even just thinking about, like, authenticity, right, like, putting myself out there and being authentic is a very different experience to putting myself out there with one of my characters or. Or facades. That it's like, if that part of me gets rejected, it's like, okay, that's fine. It's not the core of who I am. And in the last few years, I've been like, melting my facades and like, really becoming extremely congruent and sharing all of my things, all of my parts. And the universe put me into a. A challenging couple years, man. I've had the hardest, probably two years, even leaning into three years of my life and going through really bad depression and burnout and anxiety. It's just like my mental. And that. I relate to what you're saying, Michael. It's like I literally do things, therapy with people and counseling with, like, mental health and depression. And I am struggling with that in my life. But I've learned, like, it doesn't matter what we do. Like, you know, like, we are human and we are going to have that. But I was carrying all that, that heaviness as well. And I'm like, oh, people aren't going to see me as an authority or they're going to think I'm like, fucked up or wounded, things like that. So it's been a very interesting couple years and. And I would say I'm still not even through this. Like, I'm going through it now. And I'm like, I'm really facing these parts within me that are like, they feel quite young, actually. But there's this one part in me that just is like, afraid of being afraid of being othered. And I think I've built, like, characters and like, protector parts around that really young, feels like 8 years old kind of energy. And I've built a Lot of protectors around that. That young kid within me that did feel like he was othered and that he didn't belong and that he was different and that all the other guys were straight and I was gay in my friend group and I couldn't let anybody know. And there's this real tender part within me that has got these protectors built around him. And all of them are rooted in fear, right? Fear of rejection, fear that I'm going to fail and people are going to see me fail. That's a really big one and I'm really moving through that one in a big way. And it's leading to a lot of humility. Actually failing in front of people and being embarrassed in front of people is actually leads to a ton of humility. And it's like little ego deaths every time that happens. And I think the ego is what keeps us away from putting ourselves out there in authentic ways. The ego can be the thing that puts ourselves out there in inauthentic ways. It's like I want to be this character and we can put ourselves out there in more safe ways. But to truly put ourselves out there in the most authentic parts of who we are, I think that requires us to let go of our ego. So yeah, there's a deep seated thing around people won't like me. But thank God for these protector parts because if I let those beliefs win, I wouldn't be here, I wouldn't be putting myself out there. I wouldn't have, you know, put that video out for the brotherhood like any of that shit if I let these protectors win. So if I didn't have these protectors, I should say I wouldn't and then I will speak to this. So there's something called the tall poppy syndrome. It's not really a common thing here, but it's more common in like Australia. Had a client tell me about it and it's an interesting phenomenon within culture and I think it happens in our culture as well. It's just more talked about in Australia, but it's like leveling out those who excel. So you think about like poppies as they grow and there's ones that are going to be taller. The all the other poppies are like you to this tall poppy and they cut it down because it's getting too big for its britches. So it's like criticizing, resenting and attacking people for their success. Often motivated by ego, by jealousy, by envy. There's always been a part inside of me and it's probably the gay wound part. That's like, don't be too visible, don't be too successful, don't be too big or too bright. Always kind of dim your light a little bit because people are going to be jealous of you. They're going to want to cut you down, they're going to talk shit behind your back. I've always had that fear my whole life and it's a big thing. And I think it's. Again, there's that young, tender part inside me that's like, can you handle that? Can you handle if you became really popular and you know, this public figure and people were attacking you constantly or these sorts of things? It's, it definitely sits in the back of my mind for sure. But to be honest, I don't let these, these fears of these self limiting beliefs hold me back. I always feel the fear and do it anyway. Right. Which is why I'm here. So hopefully people can take inspiration from that, that you can be terrified and scared shitless and you can still put yourself out there. Right. You don't have to wait until you're feeling perfect or courageous to do it. It's like sometimes it's just got to roll with the fear. Right?
• 22:31
  Speaker C: You've done that quite well. And if I remember correctly, that's how you and I met, actually, if I've got this right, and I wanted to go back through our chat history to see when, when I joined the Gay Men's brotherhood years ago and I remember someone was in the comments, I think, and they had come for you. And I think I, I messaged you personally and directly, I think, and I, I think I said something, I think I was encouraging you and probably saying something about how they're just like stupid or something. I can't remember. It was something like that.
• 23:11
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 23:12
  Speaker C: But I remember I was like, you know, what you're doing is awesome and like, you know, fuck those people. And then here I am like what, four years later or something like that. So. Yeah, yeah, but I admired you for like putting yourself out there, you know, and creating this thing that really like put you on the radar, you know, for everything, for praise, but also for like critique and all the other stuff that comes with being visible.
• 23:38
  Speaker B: So yeah, it comes with it. You can't ever have success without the people that are going to want to cut your poppy down. Right? It's going to, it's going to be there regardless. So.
• 23:48
  Speaker C: Yeah.
• 23:49
  Speaker B: All right, well, I think I've got the listener, viewer thinking already, but just take a moment and think about that. Like what Are your fears? What are your self limiting beliefs that are holding you back from putting yourself out there? What have we stimulated in you? Is there that part in you that doesn't want to feel misunderstood? And if so, what does that misunderstanding bring up for you? Right. What are these things that you're holding on to to prevent you from putting yourself out there? And if you want to come have this conversation with us and with other people in the community, you can join our connection circles. They happen on the last, second, last and last Thursdays of the month. And then our sharing circles are the first and second. So those are bigger groups, one person shares at a time, whereas the connection circles are small pods just like we do here on the podcast. So if you want to come and join us there, you can go to gaiman'sbrotherhood.com and go to our events section to RSVP there. If you don't have Facebook, you can get on our email list. It's in the show notes. And we will email you the zoom link for the sharing circles. Okay, let's go into a little bit of a storytelling mode. Reno, can you share a moment with us when you took a risk to put yourself out there? And I'd be curious to know what you learned from it.
• 25:01
  Speaker C: Yeah, my whole life. Right. But recently, and this is a theme and I think the listener's really going to connect with this one because it's like it hits home if you're a gay man, maybe even queer, but it's also universal. A dear friend of mine who shared that he was beginning to experience some curiosity around his sexual orientation had revealed this to me and we started kind of discussing it and becoming closer in ways, you know, welcoming more touch and like, cuddling into our dynamic and just sort of discussing other things we might explore in the future. And for all intents and purposes, he's like straight. So cut to. Recently we have a conversation and I say to him, I feel like I'm developing some new feelings for you. Now let me backtrack for one sec because I think it's also really important to share because this is another layer of me putting myself out there. I had followed him on Instagram, like before I moved to Vancouver. I didn't know who he was. He showed up in someone else's IG stories. I was like, oh, this guy seems cool and he's kind of cute. So I followed him on Instagram, never engaged with him. And then one day he was moving and he was looking for help and I sent him a message and said, hey, you don't know me. I don't really know you, but I'm in Vancouver, and if you need help, I'll help you move. And so he got back to me and said he needed help. And so the day of the move, it's like pouring rain. I'm an east van, he's a north van. That's like a commute. I just, like, got up, went and helped dude move. He became one of my closest friends in Vancouver as a result of me putting myself out there in that way. Right. So just to show you what's possible when you do. So, anyway, we sit down or we take a walk, and we're sort of walking the seawall, and we're sitting on the park bench, and there's this whole conversation happening in which I'm revealing to him just, like, weeks ago that I have started to develop some feelings for him. And so we sit down and we have a conversation about this. And he's very open, and he's very receptive, and he's very responsive. And what I start to notice is that there's this aspect of me that is active in this conversation and maybe even multiple aspects. But what I noticed was, like, the child in me or like, the. The young boy in me who'd been here before was presenting himself in that moment, and there was some activation. Like, I did feel insecure. I did feel perturbed in a way, because I was, in essence, being rejected. But I actually asked. What I said to him was, I know that I need to hear very clearly, like, where we are at. So if this is not gonna happen, just tell me, and if it is, just tell me. Right? So I was facing it, and I, I, you know, I said, like, I. I think I'm developing some really strong feelings and an attraction to you. And I could tell it was edgy for both of us. And you told me, like, you. I think you probably already know the answer, you know, but, like, I'm straight, you know, And I also apologize for, like, maybe leading you on or something like that. You know, I know it's perfectly understandable that you would maybe be attracted to me or you would maybe have these feelings or, you know, be hopeful for this experience. And I processed it pretty quickly, and I think he was quite surprised. Like, he was concerned that this would affect our relationship and do, do, do, do, do. And I said, you know, I said to him, like, this isn't the first time I've experienced this. So I processed it pretty quickly, and I said, what I'm aware of is that oftentimes it's enough for me to just be able to say and reveal what's there. It doesn't mean that it needs to progress or I need to act on it or anything needs to happen. Sometimes I just need to bring myself forth. You know that I referenced this quote, like, so many times, but St. Thomas, if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what is within you will destroy you. And so what I've discovered is that sometimes it's enough for me to just bring it into the conversation, put it on the table, and reveal it, you know, and then it's gone. We don't even have to act on it. So that was a really important moment for me, because what it also did was it helped me permiss and make space for a part of myself. Like, with myself, like, yes, with him. But the more important piece was I was making room for parts of myself by putting myself out there in this particular scenario. So it would be easy to look at the situation and go, oh, Reno put himself out there, and he got rejected by this guy. Right. It's easy to take this whole thing at face value, but if you actually look at it, what really happened there was life afforded me an opportunity to bring more of myself forward and meet more of myself and make more of myself. Okay. You know, thus liberating me. So to me, that's what happened there. And that's probably the most recent example of something like that. But I've been putting myself out there since I was a kid and getting rejected left and right.
• 30:53
  Speaker B: You know, what was the impact of that on you?
• 30:57
  Speaker C: Now, I just. If there were an ounce, you know, I'm gonna say there was maybe some little bit of shame around this. Right? And shame is a strong word, but let's just say that was there. It dissolved. Like, that was an important moment for me in relationship to my child, my inner child, because he's still got this story that it's wrong for him to like boys who don't like boys, you know? And it's like, no, dude, fuck that. You can like whoever you want, and you can share that you like that person. And there's nothing wrong with you if you share that. And it also doesn't validate the lie that there's something wrong with you if you get rejected, because that's another piece. It's like, oh, he rejected me. This whole thing is true. I'm not enough I'm not worthy. I'm not desirable. There's something wrong with me. I shouldn't be telling these guys that I like them or whatever, you know, because that's wrong. It's like, well, how come it's okay for fucking straight people, you know? But it's not okay for you. It's okay for you. And all those stories are just bs, you know? So that's what it did for me, is it helped me really reconcile with that and go, no, you're good, dude. You're good. You're more than good.
• 32:10
  Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah. It sounds like it gave you an opportunity to love yourself and come more into your power around, like, owning that.
• 32:15
  Speaker C: Yeah, totally. Yeah.
• 32:17
  Speaker B: Cool. Thanks for sharing.
• 32:19
  Speaker C: Yeah. What about you, Michael?
• 32:21
  Speaker A: Great share.
• 32:22
  Speaker C: Thanks.
• 32:23
  Speaker A: I had so many to choose from similar to you, which has made me feel very blessed. I'll give you guys. I have one that I. I'll take you guys through, but one that I love is the time I marched into my boss's office and I said, I want a raise. And if I don't get a raise, then I'm wanting. I'm taking a sabbatical, knowing that I could very well just end up getting fired. So that was one of them. I ended up taking the sabbatical. She didn't give me the raise, which was great. Then there's other times where I've just, like, walked right up to guys at the park, you know, out places, give them my number. And some of those guys ended up being my boyfriend for years and have wonderful relationships. I think I've mentioned some of those stories in the past year, but the one I want to talk about today, I think one of my biggest leaps that really stands out, it's probably more recent than both of those examples, is when I started putting myself out there in my business and Willismo in the gam's brotherhood in this podcast, specifically, when I started showing up on social media and putting myself out there talking about things that actually matter to me, really vulnerable stuff. Talking about my experience being gay, my struggles with self confidence, my personal growth, things that were really important to me. And this is maybe six years ago. And at the time, that fear of being seen was huge, because I've never done anything like that. Not at that level. Definitely. I had barely talked about that with my friends, let alone on social media. And that's because I wasn't just posting my cute selfies or funny memes anymore, which was pretty much all I was posting before. Which, as I said earlier, for me, that was like the easy stuff. It's like, look how cute I look. Like, that's funny meme. So now I sort of actually sharing my authentic voice. Not just the good, but the bad and the ugly too. And not just the bad stuff, but even good stuff that was maybe more deep than my audience was maybe used to. And I certainly. At least not for my Instagram following at the time six years ago. And these are definitely not things that other gays were talking about in my world, things that really matter to me. So that felt very heavy and scary because in my mind, not really in my mind, truly, I was risking my reputation, putting myself out there to be judged, to be. Have people talk behind my back, even friends. Like, what's Michael doing? Why is he talking about this? Laughing at me? And I was convinced, you know, the fear for me, if you can. If I could take you back. Like, the fear for me was they'd be saying things like, who do you think you are talking about this? Or, oh, great, another gay wannabe influencer. This is just what we need, right? Or he's so full of himself. Or, God, this shit is so cringy. These were the biggest fears I had that people would say about me when I put myself out there, especially on social media. Now, here's the thing that happened. That's what people said. I got my share of snarky comments. I got the eye rolls. I got lots of unfollows, haters even. But I went through it. I kept going. Because I also got a lot of other responses. I got thank yous, I got private DMs saying, you know what? I feel that way too. I've never. You've said it in a way that really captured it for me, or. I've always been so afraid to admit that. And you just said it out here out loud in front of everybody. Or you guys get this all the time. I'm sure you know, that podcast episode really changed things for me. Or your newsletter was exactly what I needed to hear today. My gosh, thank you so much for that. So there was a lot of that as well. And that, my friends, is the key because it taught me a very valuable lesson that I stays with me today. That authenticity will always resonate more than perfection. And if you are a recovering perfectionist like me, and you like things to be just so. And like I said, you know, putting out that polished version is very nice and safe. This is really important for. For those of us who struggle with that, like, we think that we have to be perfect, whatever that might mean for you to be seen a certain way, but what resonates the most, people that have resonated with me the most have been people to say, that was very real or that was very vulnerable or, you know, thank you for giving me permission to do that in my own world, in my own life, in my own way. Right. So I can now let the haters hate and the critics critique and all that stuff. Because after these, what, six years of hundreds of videos, hundreds of episodes, blogs, newsletters, all the things, what I've learned, to answer your question, what I've learned from putting myself out there is that for me, rejection stings less than regret. I'd rather look back knowing that I showed up fully, even if it flopped, even if I get rejected, even if the guy's like, fuck off, you ugly loser. Even if people hate the podcast episode, I would rather sit in knowing that I tried it than sitting in the wondering, what if I didn't try this?
• 37:12
  Speaker B: I love that.
• 37:13
  Speaker A: Yeah. And I mean, I'm sure you guys can. Can resonate with. With the work that you both do, putting yourselves out there. And anyone, I think anyone out there, even, like, if it's not a coaching or this kind of thing, like your art, people who create art in the world and put that out there, who, who write, who. Any kind of creative person, you know, any business idea, putting your ideas out there is so vulnerable, right? Because it could be met with like, this is a stupid idea.
• 37:36
  Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or nobody likes it.
• 37:39
  Speaker A: Yeah. Death.
• 37:40
  Speaker B: Death.
• 37:40
  Speaker A: Ears.
• 37:40
  Speaker B: Like, that's the worst.
• 37:42
  Speaker C: Crickets.
• 37:43
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 37:43
  Speaker A: You work so hard on something. I've done this. You work so hard on something and you put it out there and it's like crickets.
• 37:48
  Speaker B: Yeah. It's hard to stand in. The truth of my content is great even when people aren't liking it, because there's so many factors that come to play, like algorithms and time of day and all these things, Right? So it's like, that's been a lot of my work lately is to not base my value off of, you know, how people are engaging with it. And also, too, because I feel like I'm a neurodivergent creator, I'm not going to be creating for neurotypical people specifically. Right. The way I write, the way I show up, it might. I might resonate with a certain group of people, and that's okay. Right? And so, yeah, it's. There's a lot of lessons that can be learned in. In putting ourselves out there. And the addiction to external validation is Real. And when we don't get it, it might completely collapse us or make us want to sink. And the real test is when you don't get that external validation that you still rise and you still believe in yourself.
• 38:45
  Speaker A: Yeah, that's where the internal comes in. It's like, okay, if I don't get it out there, do I have it within here? And that's hard. It's easier said than done.
• 38:53
  Speaker B: Yeah, exactly. So just recording the video that I recorded that introduced me to Callan. Like he saw it and then reached out. And for me, that was a. That was around the time that I actually created my very first video too, which was a video on self compassion. I think it was a year before that. So I was just getting into. To sharing myself publicly, and I had a session with my coach at the time, and she said to me, she's like, you know, if you're. If this is bothering you so much, like, why don't you just get on record a video, put it on YouTube about how frustrated you are with the gay community and, and everything. So I, I decided to do it. And then that video really was kind of, for me, the start of this whole thing, like the brotherhood connecting to all my gay wounds. Like everything, it was all just a giant mirror that I got back. I got a lot of criticism for that video as well. There was the camp of people that were like. Like they thought I was pathologizing the gay community and saying that, you know, everyone has a sex addiction and all this sort of stuff, but within the context that I meant it, I was basically. It was kind of a call to action or a call for help even. Like, I was feeling alone and isolated in a community that I didn't feel like I belonged in. And I was calling for other seekers, other gay men that are seeking and wanting to develop greater consciousness and self awareness and personal development and these sorts of things. And so, yeah, I think that's the biggest thing. And then putting ourselves out on the podcast. Michael, right when at the very beginning, Michael and I were like, not wanting to be as visible and like, wanting, you know, we had our. Our social anxiety would get the best of us at times and things like that. And mine still can. If I'm being completely honest. I'm an introvert at heart. And I do this work because my soul's calling me to do this work, not necessarily because I want to. My ego doesn't really like it, to be honest, so. But at the end of the day, like, I'm just so proud of myself for doing that because this has led me to so many beautiful connections and I might not use the brotherhood the way that other people use it. I feel like I have this little micro brotherhood which is you guys. And then that is influencing the greater brotherhood. I don't often, you know, dabble in the greater brotherhood. I more so keep my pool really tight with more so the leaders in our community. Right. We have our own little brotherhood and. And whatnot. So for me, this is putting myself out there. What I learned from it is that I was a lone wolf that needed a pack and I was lonely and I was feeling and that. And another thing I learned too is that I can't. I don't think I could have done this alone, truly. Like, it was like I needed you guys to fall back on when I was being criticized or like the story you shared, you know, it's like, yeah, if you didn't reach out to me, would I have continued to push? And Bryce Hardin, another one. Him and I connected around this stuff because a lot of that stuff at that time was about race and like this white dude creating this community and where's the representation, all these sorts of things, right. But it hadn't come yet. We hadn't got to that point where, you know, so the universe brought Reno and Bryce and different people into the community, which was so beautiful. And then just humility. The biggest lesson I've learned through all this is humility and just how to be a good leader and that I'm here to inspire people to put themselves out there, like to get their voice. And I think that's where I'm at in my leadership style right now is I'm wanting to encourage people to talk and I can just listen and I can be led. Like I'm learning how to actually be led because I'm usually the leader. So if I can inspire people to lead and then let them lead me, it's kind of a beautiful full circle. Right. So, yeah, let us know in the comments if you want to share a moment or a story with us in the comments about when you put yourself out there and maybe what you learned from it. We'd love to hear from you. And if you're wanting to accelerate your personal development journey, you can check out Our coaching collection, 45 premium personal development coaching videos by Callan, Michael and I. And we also have our Healing youg Shame and Building Better Relationships courses, which are two six week courses. All that comes in in one bundle. You can head over to gaymangoingdeeper.com for more information about that. All right. How can someone build confidence to put themselves out there when they feel invisible, rejected, or afraid of judgment? Reno.
• 43:05
  Speaker C: Yeah, I want to read something, and I don't know, I think Brene Brown is the one who said this, or she snagged it from somebody else. But it's not the critic who counts. The credit belongs to the person who's actually in the arena, whose face is marred with blood and sweat and dust, who, at the best, in the end, knows the triumph of high achievement and who, at worst, if he fails, he fails daring greatly. And I love that quote because it's easy to sit on the side in the bleachers. And my reaction went up there and to, you know, to pass judgment on people who are, like, out there and who are putting themselves out there, who are actually vulnerable, actually living courageous, actually living audaciously, actually doing greatly. And, you know, I think if that's you, like, give yourself your flowers, give yourself your props, like, that's a big deal. You got up today and you. You met yourself and you met the world, and that is the perfect segue. You know, how can someone build confidence, put themselves out there when they feel invisible, rejected, or afraid of judgment? Well, have you met yourself today? Right? Like, are you with yourself? Do you like what you're creating? Do you understand yourself? Do you like yourself? You know, I think that is a wonderful place to start. I have said this before, and I'll say it again. I became my own best friend. I became my own biggest cheerleader. I became my own lover. You know, I continue to become someone who loves myself. And that makes it so much easier for me to get up every day and put myself out into the world, because I know who I am, and I love who I am. And everything else is just icing and sprinkles. Do I feel that way every day? No. Do I love when I go to my Instagram and see that, like, hundreds of people have watched my reels and that's really validating and awesome. Yes. If I get a bad comment about something, does it sometimes affect me? Yeah, in some cases. And in a lot of cases, it actually doesn't. You know, I've made up this story that, like, it's going to be devastating if somebody posts a negative comment on my, you know, my post or something like that. The reality is that it's actually not that devastating, you know, or, you know, it's the end of the world if I'm going to get rejected. I think another piece is, like, what you're contending with is like your higher self and then like, like the little one in you. And there's a lot of like nervous system work and capacity work and mindset work that goes into building confidence to put yourself out there. And so I would say like, you know, compassion throughout that process is huge. And just like when you go to the gym, you don't walk into the gym and be like, I'm gonna bench 2:50 today. If you've never really been to the gym or you've been lifting like five pound weights, right, you start small and you work your way up. Do a little 30 second video on Instagram, you know, or like reach out to someone who's safe and expose a part of yourself to them. You know, have one low hanging uncomfortable conversation or make one call or send one email that you, you know, like start with the low hanging fruit. A lot of this is nervous system capacity stuff. So you're gonna have to take your time and ease into it. But I didn't get here without all those little wins and losses, which are also wins. You know, the losses are also wins. Matt talked about humility. My God, all those little like alleged losses, what they also did is like, they humbled me. And now I have compassion as well, not only for myself, but for other people. Because I've experienced rejection, I've experienced my humanity. And so I extend humanity outwards as a result of that. So it can be, I mean, rejection, judgment, feeling invisible can be one of the most liberating things you can experience, you know, because then it helps you kind of engage more like with more humanity toward the world and yourself, you.
• 47:49
  Speaker B: Know, I like that. Like, even if we put ourselves out there and we fall flat on our face, it's still a win, right? Because we're learning, we're growing through that. And I think if we can take that, that perfectionistic mentality and give ourselves a bit of grace, like, holy crap, I just put myself out there in this big way. And yeah, I flubbed it, but most people wouldn't even have the courage to do that, right?
• 48:09
  Speaker C: So that part.
• 48:11
  Speaker B: That's beautiful, Michael.
• 48:13
  Speaker A: Yeah. When I coach clients on this, which I do often, it's a big part of my practice, or what I say to them when we have action items is like, the win is not the outcome. The win is doing it, like putting yourself out there. The one is the swing, right? And that kind of helps. So that's great point. And you're right, there's no failure when the goal is to Just do the thing. Like it's. Don't make it about the outcome. So that's another one. I had two here. I think they've both been covered, but I'll just say them again in my own way. One is start small. You don't have to do. Do a big, giant leap. Confidence, I say, is built brick by brick. And it happens in the boring, mundane, everyday little things that aren't big and sexy. Like, oh, my gosh, I went out there and I did this thing, and now I have confidence. That's not how it works. It's the small little things. You just push yourself a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more. And then some days you don't. And some days you fall back two steps, and that's okay. You get up and you keep going. And one more brick, and one more brick, and one more brick. That is what really does it in a way that I have found has been very sustainable and grounded and secure in a way that it's like people will call it unflappable or unshakable because that foundation is strong. Cause it was built brick by brick. So, yeah, that. And acknowledging those. Those small wins. I'm going to underline that one of the great things about doing this work with somebody is that you don't acknowledge the small ones because in your brain, they're insignificant. Or that's not that big of a deal. Whatever. Whatever. But someone else will say, no, that is actually a big deal. And here's. Here's what you demonstrated. You demonstrated courage, and you demonstrated authenticity, and you demonstrated overriding that, you know, that nervous system response of fear and saying, no, you know what? I am going to take that chance. I am going to do that thing. So acknowledging those wins for yourself, if you can, because sometimes you don't see them. You don't see the progress you're making. And you're making a lot of progress. And I see people so much where they, like, quit and, like, they've just started the path. It's like, no, no, you got to keep going. And then the last thing is having your own back. This is so much easier when. If you have a strong inner critic like me, and I know a lot of y' all do, you will not put yourself out there. If you will be met with. If your rejection on the outside will be met with even more rejection on the inside. If your inner critic is gonna tear you the fuck down because you failed or because you didn't do it the right way or it didn't go the right way. You will not put yourself out there. And that's not a problem. That's just a protection mechanism because you know your inner critic is gonna beat you down. So you do need to work on self compassion and self love. Everyone, I think, but especially if you have a strong inner critic. People hire me and say, help me be confident. And I say, sure, we can work on that. But what we're actually going to work on is self compassion and self love. Because learning how to love yourself and treat yourself kindly no matter what. Like Reena was just saying, even on your worst days, that's the key. Even in your worst. If you can love yourself on those days, then confidence is the natural byproduct. And you will be putting yourself out there naturally. Won't be. You'll still have that fear, but it'll be a lot more natural. Then you can be your own soft place to land.
• 51:16
  Speaker B: I love that. And what I'm hearing from both of you is it's like you really took the word build confidence. Like it's a building process. You have to take your time with it and like develop that capacity. Like Reno said of the nervous system. I think it's so crucial. Yeah. The first one that I have here is meet the emotions of fear. That's what we're facing right? When we're. When we feel like we have to put ourselves out there. Fear of not being enough, fear of failing, fear of rejection. It's all fear. So if you can learn how to be with that fear in your nervous system and develop a capacity for it. Because if we think that we're going to just be rid ourselves of fear and then put ourselves out there, that's not how it works. Like when I put myself out, put myself selves, I guess the Gemini in me, when I put both myself out there, I'm always extremely terrified. I'm scared. I'm like, am I gonna fuck up in front of everybody? Right? So there's that part. So I think it's about developing a relationship with the fear. Instead of always trying to revert away from it and wish it away or push it away. It's like, how can fear be part of this experience right now as I share myself, right? Because when we try and push it away, we're actually pushing a part of ourselves away. So if we can bring that part in which I think is self compassion, like bring the fear in, get curious about it, it's likely going to be a younger part within us that feels scared of Whatever our bully or the things our parents said to us that were mean or whatever it might be, it's that part. And that part, in my opinion, is the part that developed the inner critic within us, right? The bully's voice on the playground. Like, that's what our inner critic becomes. So if we can start to befriend this part, I think it's really a big part of the work. And then a couple. Just a tangible thing for me. Like, when I go out, I'm not a big group person. So if I do go into a big group setting, like, let's say I go to a pride event, I will want to bring a wing person with me, and they're like my grounding force, right? And, like, having a wingman or a wing woman is, like, really, really important for. For putting yourself out there. Like, would I be putting myself out there in the way that I have if you guys weren't with me every week on this podcast? Probably not, right? So it's nice to have people that you can share in the fear of putting yourself out there with them. It makes it feel a little bit less scary, right? And then I'm a huge proponent of visualization. I think if you can't visualize yourself doing it, it's going to be hard to do it. So take some time every day, just even for five minutes, and visualize yourself being successful at the thing that you're wanting to put yourself out there. And it will probably feel hard. I know when I try and visualize myself being successful, my. My inner critic wants to sabotage me all the time, because my inner critic's job is to try and keep me safe. All right? So it's like, don't do that. I'm going to make out the worst case scenario so you don't do that, so you don't risk putting yourself out there and looking stupid. So you'll probably bump up against that inner critic part, but just continue to work on, like, okay, I'm going to visualize myself getting up there on that stage and speaking and being confident and people clapping and it. And it being a successful experience. I think that can be a big part of preparing your psychology for something like that.
• 54:17
  Speaker A: Amen.
• 54:19
  Speaker B: Any comments before we wrap here?
• 54:21
  Speaker A: I think what I love about this episode and the way we did it is that I think a lot of people will see us and listen to us every week and think that this isn't a problem for us because we are here putting ourselves out there in front of thousands of people. And what I Loved about this is we all shared how we struggle with it even today. And I hope that normalizes it for everybody out there.
• 54:41
  Speaker B: Yeah, exactly. Exactly.
• 54:43
  Speaker A: You're not broken, you're human.
• 54:45
  Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah. And I want to, I want to put it out to the, the audience. Like, what is one small actionable or doable thing that you can put forward this week that you can start putting yourself out there more? Just something small. Maybe it's to attend one of our connection circles or our sharing circles, or maybe it's to go out to wherever like something that you can put yourself out there and do it. Practice courage over comfort and see what you can learn about yourself or what you can learn about other people in the process. And thank you too, as always for coming on and putting yourself out there in the public eye and susceptible to criticism. You too, and still continuing to show up and be vulnerable. So thank you. And thank you to our listener and viewer for coming on yet another journey with us. And just again, a reminder, the podcast and YouTube channel are listener and viewer supported. If you're enjoying what we're creating, you can support us by making a donation to the show using the link in the show notes. Or you can show us some love by hitting that thanks button on YouTube. And you can also subscribe to our early access option on Apple. Okay, that's ad free listening and you'll gain access to our early release episodes there. And come join us. We'd love to see you at one of our connection circles or sharing circles. There's something happening every week in the month in the game as brotherhood. So go on Facebook and hit the events but tab and you'll see what's going on in our community and you can check us out on our website, amenbrotherhood.com Much love, everyone.