Latest / Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute / 76: Feeling Defensive? The Four-Step Shift That Rebuilds Trust and Connection

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76: Feeling Defensive? The Four-Step Shift That Rebuilds Trust and Connection · Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute

• 0:00
  Hey everybody. So have you ever been in a
• 0:01
  conversation where someone says you're being defensive and you
• 0:05
  think, no, I'm not, I'm just answering your question.
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  Notice my voice inflection with that, right?
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  So it can feel unfair when you're just trying to stay calm.
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  You're given an honest response, may even explaining your side,
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  but somehow the harder you try to make things clear, the more
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  disconnected the conversation feels.
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  But the truth is, is if we're talking about defensiveness,
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  often it has a just a little to do with what's actually being
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  said. And it's more about what's
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  happening underneath the surface.
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  And we have to look at our body. And that's our body way of
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  saying, I'm feeling threatened right now and I don't feel safe
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  right now. So in this episode, what we're
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  going to do is we're going to go and we're going to talk about
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  why defensiveness shows up even when your intentions are really
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  good and how to shift from defending yourself to creating
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  connection. Because when you can do that,
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  everything changes. When we make that shift and that
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  change, trust, safety, and even your own senses of you, you
• 1:00
  start to sense your own integrity through that.
• 1:06
  Welcome to Beyond the Facade podcast.
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  I'm your host, Luke Gordon, and I'm thrilled to have you join me
• 1:11
  in the space today. What we're going to be doing is
• 1:13
  diving deep into the trials and triumphs and truths of seeking
• 1:17
  authenticity. Becoming your true.
• 1:18
  Self isn't about a single action or a moment.
• 1:21
  It's a relentless pursuit, a commitment to self that reveals
• 1:25
  a rich connection and meaning that our life has to offer.
• 1:28
  So whether this is your first time tuning in or you're a
• 1:30
  regular listener, know this what you're building here.
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  Goes beyond a conversation. You're here to challenge, to
• 1:36
  change, and to celebrate the incredible journey of becoming
• 1:39
  your authentic self. Because when you dare to.
• 1:41
  Show up fully. The rewards are immeasurable.
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  So welcome to Beyond the Facade. Let's get started.
• 1:49
  So let's get into it. First thing we want to do is we
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  want to understand offensiveness.
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  So defensiveness isn't about right or wrong, it's about
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  safety. So when I'm defensive, feels
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  like it's just like, I know. I think for me, it's just like,
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  I would love to win one of these battles, but just give me one.
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  Like it feels like she's always right.
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  And it's not about who's right or wrong.
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  It's my body senses. There's no safety.
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  Like bad things are happening right now.
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  So our nervous system is going to perceive like that emotional
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  intensity, that tone or that misunderstanding is threat.
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  I might perceive my partner as like yelling and I'm talking
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  about the person that did the betraying.
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  I might feel like my partner who I betrayed is actually angry at
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  me. That emotional tensity, they're
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  mad, they're yelling, but really the my body sensing a threat.
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  So what happens? Our instinct is to eliminate the
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  threat is to explain. So it's our minds attempt to
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  restore like this balance. OK, but often it's it's going to
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  disconnect us instead, it's going to not even allow our
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  partner to experience any level of connection defensiveness.
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  We just want to maybe provide to you today the fact that this is
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  a moral failure, but it's really more of an automatic protection
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  strategy. So let me give you a quote might
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  be worthy of an idea. OK, so let me read this
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  defensiveness. Is your body saying I don't want
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  to be the bad one, even when no one's calling you bad.
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  Part of me is going like, do you?
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  Do you acknowledge that you value that?
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  You're like, no, I think they just want me to say you're bad
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  or whatever it is. But it's our body saying I don't
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  want to be the bad guy, but nobody's actually saying that.
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  I recognize that might be hard to swallow if depending on how
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  you perceive yourself or how you think your partner perceives
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  you. And I might be off of actual
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  word said, so just hang with me. All right, so let's talk about
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  the just answering trap. OK, so if I just answer the
• 3:52
  question, this can be a trap. Let's talk about my favorite
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  things ever in recovery. One of my favorite things ever
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  to talk about intent versus impact.
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  And the analogy that's my favorite to go with that is what
• 4:03
  do we do when we hurt somebody? Let's say I'm laying in bed next
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  to my partner. We're asleep and in my sleep I
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  roll over and I clobber her with my arm and hit her right inside
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  the head and she wakes up and she's like, Ouch, you just
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  smacked me inside the head upside the head and you're like,
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  you know, in the in all this coming up in the middle of
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  nowhere from sleep. And what do you do automatically
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  You say, well, I didn't I didn't mean to.
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  I was asleep. That is US focused on the
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  intent. I didn't mean to hurt you
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  instead of you are hurt. So sometimes questions carry
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  emotional weight. We would just want to recognize
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  our questions are really important instead of running to
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  intent of why we didn't mean to. Hurt somebody?
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  Or what we're actually talking about, but let's just recognize
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  that their invitations for connection.
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  So when we get curious, when we start to ask questions and we
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  get into a curious type mindset, it's going to change everything
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  rather than just responding to find out about the hurt really
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  matters. OK, let me give you an example
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  of this. Let me give you like that two
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  different sides of the coin in the same scenario.
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  OK, so imagine your partner says to you, why didn't you tell me
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  that sooner? I just picture your body, how
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  it's responding to that one response might be I didn't think
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  it was important. And how would that fill your
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  partner? Probably pretty dismissive
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  because they see it as very important.
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  So what could that shift look like if I leaned more into
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  asking questions? OK, I want to understand how
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  important that is. And I didn't realize it mattered
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  so much. So I want to see how important
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  it is. Let me ask you some questions on
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  that. So if we get connection before
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  clarity, it always lands better. OK, so I don't get clarity until
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  I get curious. So the goal isn't to like censor
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  the truth, but it's the ground and empathy first.
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  We can't be empathetic unless we actually seek to understand what
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  the other person experiencing. Here's the struggle.
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  If we've been married for years, decades, whatever it is, the
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  natural human experiences that take all this information, all
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  these experiences that think we know what our partners
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  experiencing will matter to them.
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  OK, so let's talk about recognizing the signals.
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  Here's the first thing, internal signs.
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  So before I can lean in any level of curiosity, I have to
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  notice how my body's responding. Does my chest tighten?
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  Do I get shallow breathing? Am I feeling the urge to
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  justify? And then let's look for verbal
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  signs. OK, let's watch the language
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  that we're using and then just document this, keep this on a
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  paper, know what these signs are, know what my internal signs
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  are and my verbal signs. So when verbal signs might be
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  like, that's not what I meant. You're misunderstanding me.
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  I was just trying to fill in the blank.
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  But then I can recognize that there's some signals of
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  relational signs. Maybe one person starts
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  explaining while the other withdraws.
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  Maybe there's interruptions, maybe it escalates.
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  So just notice also other signs of relational signs that I'm
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  going to stop. Other signals.
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  Just defensiveness often enters seconds before we realize it.
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  So a survival is going to happen automatically.
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  What we want to do is want to create some awareness of those
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  signals, those signs, and so we can catch them earlier rather
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  than later, and just practice noticing them for some semantic
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  cues instead of the last word spoken, just their signals,
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  their signs. But it's not going to come
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  naturally. Take some practice.
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  So recognize what those are. There's going to be a shift
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  here, OK? So I want to give you some a
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  tool that you can use and recognize those.
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  These tools come in all shapes and sizes.
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  You mind already using something similar to this.
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  Maybe you can take it up a level.
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  Maybe there's something missing you didn't already notice.
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  Maybe it's differently, maybe it comes in layers.
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  But here's a four step shift from defensiveness to
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  connection. First thing is, is pause, pause,
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  breathe before speaking. And if you're the betrayed
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  partner, notice your partner doing this.
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  And this is it's important for you to notice.
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  I'm going to breathe before I'm going to say something.
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  I'm going to regulate first. All right, So you can't connect
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  while your body thinks it's under attack.
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  You can't remember. Insight's going to fall.com.
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  So there are a lot of ways to pause, you know, breathe.
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  You can name that the case. That's so pause is the first one
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  name. It's the second one.
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  So when you name it, you say, I notice I'm feeling defensive
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  right now. Call it out to your partner.
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  I feel myself starting to view you as the person that's trying
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  to hurt me, but naming me good day.
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  I'm not seeing you as an ally. I'm feeling defensive right now.
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  And they mean that's going to bring your prefrontal cortex
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  online and it's going to lower the tension that you have just
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  by saying it. It'll be, it'll feel, it won't
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  feel great that you're naming it, but it's going to start to
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  bring you back online. And because it's going to signal
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  the it's going to signal to that self-awareness and safety to
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  that other person. So that a person says what I'm
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  feeling right now is this, and you can, you can weaponize it
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  and your partner will know the difference between you actually
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  being vulnerable and saying what you're feeling.
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  OK, that's so first pause. Second name it.
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  I notice I'm feeling defensive right now.
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  Third one is acknowledge the emotion.
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  Acknowledge saying something like, I can see why that's felt
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  hurtful to you. I can get that this is important
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  to you. Empathy is going to open that
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  door. And then what you can do after
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  you acknowledge that emotion, then you can respond.
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  And once that emotions acknowledged, then you can that
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  content is going to land way more gently and then you can get
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  into it. So just remember this big take
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  away from this is truth lands differently when empathy comes
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  first. So an empathy is not going to
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  happen until I pause, until I name it, until I acknowledge
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  that emotion, then I can respond.
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  OK, So just take that, add it to what you already have, let it
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  evolve. Talk to your partner about it.
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  OK, so just practice. I know in our group setting, in
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  phase two men's groups, we do a lot of practice.
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  I'm constantly thankful for the men that will show up and lean
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  into vulnerability with other men and practice and show parts
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  of them that they're not used to letting other men see.
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  We call it drills. We have to drill what matters to
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  us. We have to practice it over and
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  over again. So when we're in the heat of the
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  situation, our bodies can respond in ways that we wanted
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  to inside of our values. So practice.
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  Let me just give you some takeaways from today and then
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  we'll wrap this defensiveness content out, which is, remember,
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  defensiveness is an alarm, not an accusation.
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  So let's see it as an alarm. And the goal isn't to eliminate
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  your defensiveness. So it's not to be that, but it's
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  to listen to what it's protecting.
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  Love parts work. Love ifs work.
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  If defensive was a part of us, what is it trying to protect?
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  Usually it's trying to protect not just ourselves, but the
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  relationship because it's something we value.
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  All right. And remember, every defensive
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  moment is an opportunity to practice safety, humility, and
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  repair. So healing isn't in the healing
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  isn't in the lack of ruptures, it's in the repair after a
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  rupture. So pause.
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  You just pause before you prove, practice those steps.
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  And this is how emotional maturity develops.
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  So every time you choose connection over protection, you
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  strengthen trust in yourself and in the your relationship.
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  So anyway, just practice your defensiveness.
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  This noticing your defensive this week, notice what level of
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  shame pops up. Don't give up.
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  Don't stop fighting knows we can spend some time with you.
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  Hey, thanks for joining us today.
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  If this is something. That you connected with.
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  I'd love to meet with you more and talk about it.
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  So what? You can do is go to choose.
• 12:02
  Recoveryservices.com. Or check the show notes.
• 12:06
  And there what we can do is set up a quick conversation we need.
• 12:09
  Thanks so much for listening to Beyond the Facade where we
• 12:11
  unmask the authentic cell.