Latest / Ay Mijita ✨ Embrace your raíces. Reclaim your esencia. / Gaslighting Isn’t A Love Language, Mijita

Transcript

Gaslighting Isn’t A Love Language, Mijita · Ay Mijita ✨ Embrace your raíces. Reclaim your esencia.

• 0:06
  Dora: Hi mijita.
• 0:07
  Dora: Hoy venimos with a tema bien pesado, so a very heavy subject, so super real, the ones that touch your soul, and it really makes you look at the truth.
• 0:24
  Dora: How do you love yourself?
• 0:26
  Dora: While loving someone who has narcissistic tendencies.
• 0:33
  Dora: Muchas de nosotras, like a lot of us, especially as first gen Latinas, apprentice aguantar.
• 0:38
  Dora: We learn to like hang in there, to keep the peace, to self-sacrifice, to no cause problemas, not to cause any problems, to stay quiet, even when our body is screaming.
• 0:52
  Dora: But today, no mass no more of that.
• 1:13
  Dora: Even if the person you love is emotionally unavailable, reactive, controlling, or constantly shifting the blame.
• 1:21
  Dora: This episode is for you.
• 1:23
  Dora: If you've ever thought, why does everything turn into a fight?
• 1:28
  Dora: Why do I feel guilty for asking for basic respect?
• 1:32
  Dora: Why do I shrink when they walk into the room?
• 1:35
  Dora: Am I crazy or is this really happening?
• 1:39
  Dora: How do I stay?
• 1:41
  Dora: Or how do I leave without losing myself?
• 1:45
  Dora: Mijita, you're not crazy.
• 1:48
  Dora: You're waking up, taking a breath.
• 1:53
  Dora: Suelta los hombros, like let the shoulders settle, and let's get into it.
• 2:11
  Dora: This is not a diagnosis episode.
• 2:13
  Dora: This is about behaviors that impact your nervous system and your self-worth.
• 2:18
  Dora: Common narcissistic traits that show up in relationships could look like the following.
• 2:24
  Dora: Number one, lack of accountability.
• 2:26
  Dora: Everything becomes your fault.
• 2:29
  Dora: If you wouldn't have said that, dot dot dot, or the you're too sensitive.
• 2:36
  Dora: Those are the types of things that the person doesn't hold accountability for what they say.
• 2:41
  Dora: It's like they've tried to pin it on you.
• 2:43
  Dora: Number two, gaslighting.
• 2:46
  Dora: They twist reality, they deny your lived experience.
• 2:50
  Dora: You start doubting yourself, you start doubting everything you're thinking.
• 2:53
  Dora: Like, am I is this really happening?
• 2:56
  Dora: Like maybe I got it all wrong.
• 2:57
  Dora: Like, that's where gaslighting is real and it makes you doubt all your reality.
• 3:03
  Dora: Number three, emotional swings.
• 3:06
  Dora: One moment you're perfect, the next you're the enemy.
• 3:09
  Dora: So how the hell does it go from one to another?
• 3:12
  Dora: Like that's where it's a huge pendulum shift.
• 3:15
  Dora: It's total polar opposites.
• 3:18
  Dora: Number four, the silent treatment, or my favorite, stonewalling.
• 3:22
  Dora: I didn't actually know what this meant when I was younger until when I became older and I started realizing what narcissistic were.
• 3:30
  Dora: But this is where they punish you with distance, they disappear emotionally, they shut down conversations.
• 3:37
  Dora: It could be that they don't talk to you for days, even if you're living in the same household.
• 3:41
  Dora: Like it could be it could be really, really, really, really dry for a very long time in like that silent treatment.
• 3:47
  Dora: Number five, control masked as concern.
• 3:53
  Dora: This is my favorite because I mean I kind of used this one in the past where you text someone and you're like, Where are you?
• 4:00
  Dora: Or if if someone posts something, it's like, why did you post that?
• 4:04
  Dora: But in reality, it's insecurity dressed up as control.
• 4:07
  Dora: Um, the person, the individual, this narcissistic trait actually holds, wants to hold control, and that's where they come across as like, oh, I was waiting up for you because I was concerned about you, you know, that type of thing.
• 4:20
  Dora: So that's number five.
• 4:22
  Dora: Number six is minimizing your needs.
• 4:26
  Dora: So when you have a need or you're going through something, this individual, the narcissistic trait, would come out as you're too much.
• 4:33
  Dora: It is muy dramatica, you're dramatic, you're needy, you're always starting something, like it's always you, you, you.
• 4:39
  Dora: But in reality, it might be like that mirror, right?
• 4:42
  Dora: Of what's going on internally inside of them, they're projecting.
• 4:45
  Dora: Number seven, lack of empathy.
• 4:48
  Dora: Your pain does not register as important unless it affects them.
• 4:53
  Dora: So it's pretty much all about them.
• 4:55
  Dora: Like, it's like, oh, if you're going through something, like who cares?
• 4:58
  Dora: But if they're going through something, oh goodness gracious, like the world better stop.
• 5:02
  Dora: So let's pause right there.
• 5:05
  Dora: If your nervous system is reacting right now, breathing shallow, corazon acelerado, like your ex your heart is beating a little extra beat, Mijita, that's your body remembering.
• 5:18
  Dora: You didn't imagine this, you live through this.
• 5:21
  Dora: Your body again remembers and it keeps score of everything that it's gone through, experience-wise.
• 5:26
  Dora: So I want to bet that there's someone in your life that you're thinking about right now, and that's where we'll work through today's episode on how to navigate those relationships and those individuals.
• 5:39
  Dora: Now, let's talk cultura for a minute.
• 5:42
  Dora: We, as first gen, myself, we're seeing moms who stayed quiet to avoid conflicts, grandmothers who endured emotional abandonment and just had to figure shit out on their own.
• 5:57
  Dora: Tia's who carried the whole house emotionally, so my aunts, I would see them firsthand like trying to navigate all these emotions and like tend to the kids and everything on their own.
• 6:09
  Dora: And then daughters raised to be nurturing, not noisy.
• 6:12
  Dora: So first gen niñas who grew up too fast becoming emotional caretakers, myself included.
• 6:19
  Dora: Many of us became hyper-responsible, hyper-independent, hyper-vigilant, porque no había spacio para sentir.
• 6:28
  Dora: There was there was no space to feel.
• 6:30
  Dora: And so when we meet someone who with narcissistic traits in our lifetime, we don't run, we fix, we save, we soften ourselves, we negotiate, we apologize for wanting the bare minimum.
• 6:46
  Dora: We actually make excuses for these individuals, we shrink ourselves to keep the peace, like we we dim our light where we shouldn't have.
• 6:59
  Dora: So nobody taught us you can love someone and still honor yourself.
• 7:03
  Dora: You don't have to go through those things, you don't have to feel what the other person is feeling.
• 7:09
  Dora: Or if the other person tells you you're a bad mom, you're a bad this, you're a bad friend, or you should be doing better and this and that.
• 7:16
  Dora: That is their respective perspective.
• 7:20
  Dora: You don't need to go and dim yourself for that individual.
• 7:25
  Dora: Just because someone comes across as belittling you, it doesn't mean that you are not doing the adequate things, it's more so they're projecting their insecurities and they're wanting control and that power struggle.
• 7:42
  Dora: And so when we lash out like that, and these narcissistic traits, it's more of a representation of what's going on inside of them.
• 7:49
  Dora: And I often tell my kids and those around me that when someone has like just poison banana to spread, it's because they lack self-love, they lack self-forgiveness, they lack a lot of things, and that's just the scarcity mindset.
• 8:08
  Dora: Instead of looking at it from a whole different perspective of love, and I know it's harder said than done, but when those people come at you, like usually for me, when people come at me and they they give me nothing but this sense of like jealousy, envy, anger, resentment, all the things, I pray for them.
• 8:31
  Dora: I honestly do.
• 8:32
  Dora: That's what I do is Yorosa por ellos, I ask God to really work in their lives because maybe they don't know what love is or peace or joy.
• 8:42
  Dora: I mean, my parents worked so hard, but in that bilateral or I mean, sorry, collateral damage, that's where my parents weren't around to actually ask me, hey, how was your day today?
• 8:57
  Dora: How, you know, what are you going, what's going on with you?
• 8:59
  Dora: Especially as teenagers, adolescents, like we go through so many different things.
• 9:04
  Dora: And I mean, I know some individuals have a relationship with their kids that their kids hate them.
• 9:08
  Dora: Like they they literally say, I hate you.
• 9:10
  Dora: I don't like because I did that to my mom too.
• 9:13
  Dora: But it's because we don't know how to love better.
• 9:15
  Dora: We don't know how to love.
• 9:17
  Dora: Um, how how are we supposed to love others when we barely know how to love ourselves?
• 9:22
  Dora: And so narcissistic-wise, we all carry these traits.
• 9:26
  Dora: It's not just one individual, it's we all carry these traits.
• 9:29
  Dora: It's just some people know how to regulate them more than others.
• 9:32
  Dora: Um, I have a syndrome, and that's like how I was taught and how I was raised.
• 9:38
  Dora: Um, one of my parents, um, my dad specifically was a narcissistic parent, and there's four different types of categories, and there's a whole book on this.
• 9:46
  Dora: Um and if you're interested, you could definitely I am me or ping me anyway, and I'll be happy to share those resources.
• 9:54
  Dora: But yeah, it's it it's something predominant, especially it's way different than machismo, it's more of the just ego, definitely ego winning over.
• 10:07
  Dora: You know, I always bring the somatic and spiritual layer.
• 10:11
  Dora: So when we live with or love someone who is unpredictable, reactive, or emotional manipulative, your body stays in this fight, which is it always is ready to defend yourself.
• 10:25
  Dora: Flight, emotionally running away, freeze, you shut down, your body shuts down everything, like all your nervous system, just everything just freezes.
• 10:33
  Dora: You fawn.
• 10:35
  Dora: That's pleasing them to avoid conflict.
• 10:37
  Dora: So you just kind of like this ignore button, and this shows up as fatigue, headaches, overthinking, anxiety, you're feeling numb emotionally, physically, mentally, losing your voice, so you stay quiet, maybe, forgetting your needs, you kind of override whatever's going on with you and your body, and feeling like you walk on eggshells every time you're around this person.
• 11:02
  Dora: Spiritually, your energy becomes tangled.
• 11:05
  Dora: You start absorbing their moods, their projections, their insecurities.
• 11:09
  Dora: This is why so many women feel like they lost themselves in the relationship.
• 11:14
  Dora: And Mijita, you didn't lose yourself, you silence yourself to survive.
• 11:20
  Dora: But today we reclaim, we're gonna reclaim that today.
• 11:24
  Dora: Boundaries are not punishment, boundaries are protection.
• 11:27
  Dora: And so let's talk practical.
• 11:30
  Dora: Number one, grounding yourself before responding.
• 11:33
  Dora: When they escalate, your only job is to stay regulated.
• 11:39
  Dora: Try this your hand on your chest, your other hand on your belly, you want to inhale and exhale.
• 11:51
  Dora: And say quietly to yourself this is their emotion, I do not own this, and just stay with that.
• 12:01
  Dora: Number two, use broken record boundaries.
• 12:06
  Dora: So repeat calmly and consistently to yourself until it's a broken record, you know, over and over on.
• 12:11
  Dora: Repeat.
• 12:12
  Dora: Number one, I'm not available for conversations when you raise your voice, or I will talk when we are both regulated, or we're both cooled off.
• 12:27
  Dora: Or try this one.
• 12:28
  Dora: I hear you, I disagree.
• 12:31
  Dora: And so, sidebar, you can definitely agree to disagree, right?
• 12:36
  Dora: You don't have to agree with everything the other person is saying, okay?
• 12:39
  Dora: You don't want to be gaslit into the situation, you want to make sure you you acknowledge that they hear them, you hear them, and then you can just politely say, I agree that I disagree with you.
• 12:50
  Dora: Like you can have your opinion, I respect that, but I also have my opinion.
• 12:55
  Dora: Or you can say, I won't continue this if there's disrespect.
• 12:59
  Dora: So that's your boundary.
• 13:01
  Dora: Is as long as you feel disrespected, it's like we're putting this on pause until we can reconvene and have a conversation.
• 13:08
  Dora: Or the last one here is I'm not responsible for managing your emotions.
• 13:12
  Dora: Like that person is to emotionally emotionally regulate, and so do you if you're going through the roller coaster of emotions, and then when you're coming off the roller coaster, that's when you can definitely have a conversation.
• 13:23
  Dora: Again, like the broken record, you want to repeat, repeat, repeat.
• 13:27
  Dora: Boundaries are muscle memory.
• 13:29
  Dora: Number three, do not explain yourself repeatedly.
• 13:34
  Dora: Narcissistic individuals use explanation as an entry point for manipulation.
• 13:41
  Dora: So keep it short.
• 13:42
  Dora: Keep it to the point, al grano, to the nitty-gritty, and there we go.
• 13:47
  Dora: You don't have to you don't have to lay out all the details.
• 13:50
  Dora: Number four, create emotional exits.
• 13:55
  Dora: Have a plan for when conversations go sideways.
• 13:58
  Dora: Take a walk, step outside, go to another room, pause the conversation, and do what feels calm for you at that particular moment.
• 14:08
  Dora: Number five, protect your self-esteem.
• 14:11
  Dora: Their inability to take accountability is not a reflection of your worth.
• 14:16
  Dora: Your truth doesn't need their validation.
• 14:19
  Dora: Number six, stop taking the bait.
• 14:22
  Dora: Their goal is usually to hook you emotionally so the focus shifts back to them.
• 14:27
  Dora: Your job is to stay in truth.
• 14:29
  Dora: So remember, as tempting as it is, don't feed the fire.
• 14:33
  Dora: Just hold your ground.
• 14:36
  Dora: Let's be real.
• 14:37
  Dora: You love this person.
• 14:39
  Dora: If it were easy, you would have left already.
• 14:41
  Dora: If it were all bad, you wouldn't still be there.
• 14:45
  Dora: So let's talk about loving and protecting yourself.
• 14:50
  Dora: Number one, get real about what you can and cannot give.
• 14:55
  Dora: Expecting emotional maturity from someone who refuses self-awareness is a setup.
• 14:59
  Dora: So don't fall into that trap.
• 15:01
  Dora: Number two, honor your needs even if they don't understand them.
• 15:05
  Dora: You don't need permission for rest, space, respect, communication, emotional safety, or clarity.
• 15:14
  Dora: That's where your needs need to come and be honored by you.
• 15:20
  Dora: And that's where as long as you know your truth, you stand in it.
• 15:24
  Dora: And the other person might not necessarily understand that.
• 15:27
  Dora: Number three, rebuild your identity outside the relationship.
• 15:31
  Dora: Who are you when you're not caretaking or when you're not entertaining this person and their traits and all the other things, especially their narcissistic behaviors?
• 15:42
  Dora: When you're not managing moods, like how are you true to yourself?
• 15:46
  Dora: What makes you happy?
• 15:47
  Dora: What go what makes you jam?
• 15:50
  Dora: Um, what makes you you?
• 15:52
  Dora: And especially when you're not shrinking, like how are you in the best version of yourself?
• 15:58
  Dora: Like your full light.
• 16:00
  Dora: Number four, have a support system.
• 16:03
  Dora: So that could be a therapist, a coach, an amiga, a friend, um, your sister, an hermana, someone, alien, who sees you clearly for who you are and what you're worth, and reminds you, and and like is in that corner with you, supporting you, uplifting you, and all the things.
• 16:21
  Dora: And so, again, I've been through there having all these narcissistic things happening around me with various people, actually, relationships, and it makes me doubt myself, my world, my everything.
• 16:34
  Dora: And that's where it's so important to have people in your corner that actually lift you up.
• 16:38
  Dora: Number five, practice self-connection daily.
• 16:41
  Dora: So try journaling, try the limpias, try the grounding rituals, breath work, affirmations, talking to your inner niña, your inner child, and just tell her, Mijita, you're safe now, you can speak, and provide that space that you need in order to allow whatever is coming up to come up and work through it.
• 17:02
  Dora: Number six, decide can this relationship grow?
• 17:07
  Dora: If the other person is willing to, of course, go to therapy or work on the communication and how you guys go about it, take accountability for their actions, what they say, what they do, and respect your boundaries.
• 17:19
  Dora: Of course, there's always a way forward.
• 17:22
  Dora: There can be hope.
• 17:23
  Dora: If not, then your healing will begin the moment you stop abandoning yourself.
• 17:29
  Dora: Now, this is for those who chose to stay.
• 17:32
  Dora: Staying is not a weakness.
• 17:35
  Dora: Staying is a choice.
• 17:37
  Dora: If you stay, create routines that regulate your nervous system.
• 17:42
  Dora: Stop trying to be their emotional crutch.
• 17:45
  Dora: Like that's where you need to let them be on their emotional roller coaster.
• 17:50
  Dora: It's like that codependency, definitely become aware of that.
• 17:53
  Dora: Speak calmly, consistently, without overcomplaining.
• 17:57
  Dora: So articulate what you want to say, say how you mean it, and if there's any miscommunication, that's where you want to clarify.
• 18:05
  Dora: Don't expect empathy, but appreciate any genuine effort that they make.
• 18:09
  Dora: So that's where that person is so into themselves that they're not going to listen.
• 18:14
  Dora: Like what they kind of made up their mind already going into the conversation in a way.
• 18:18
  Dora: So that's where don't expect too much and just go forward and keep receipts, like keep the keep the conversation going.
• 18:26
  Dora: And sometimes they might gaslight you into oh, I didn't say that.
• 18:30
  Dora: Next, learn to detach without disconnecting from yourself.
• 18:33
  Dora: Like, there's moments where you're gonna be like, peace out.
• 18:36
  Dora: Um, we're not having this conversation right now, and honor yourself for that.
• 18:39
  Dora: Give yourself that space and the permission to do that for yourself, for the other person, and for everybody's well-being.
• 18:46
  Dora: Leaving a narcissistic dynamic can feel like detox.
• 18:51
  Dora: So, for those of you who are thinking of leaving, you can you're gonna encounter these different things where you withdraw, you doubt yourself, you feel guilt, you question the good moments, you crave validation, you fear the unknown.
• 19:09
  Dora: But also, just think about it, you breathe deeper, you sleep better, you hear your own voice, you reconnect with your joven essentia, your young self and essence, and you realize, damn, I wasn't crazy.
• 19:22
  Dora: I was just surviving the situation and the relationship with this individual.
• 19:26
  Dora: So that's where I say sometimes it's better to love from afar, right?
• 19:29
  Dora: Amar de lejos, because sometimes you need that arm's length relationship with them.
• 19:34
  Dora: And it's like if this person is gonna be in your life, like it or not, then you're gonna have to be cordial with this individual.
• 19:42
  Dora: And uh if you can, just you know, cod it off, right?
• 19:46
  Dora: Like cold turkey kind of thing.
• 19:48
  Dora: But you do have to realize that leaving doesn't mean you failed, leaving means you choose yourself and you honor yourself for what you stand and what you're worth.
• 19:57
  Dora: So practice that.
• 20:00
  Dora: So let's try a reflection practice.
• 20:02
  Dora: I want you, if you're ready and you can, and are available, and not handling heavy machinery or driving, you can go ahead and put a hand on your corazon, on your heart, take a deep breath in through your nose.
• 20:18
  Dora: And exhale.
• 20:21
  Dora: You can do that two more times.
• 20:22
  Dora: So take a deep breath in.
• 20:26
  Dora: And out and one more time.
• 20:30
  Dora: Take a deep breath in.
• 20:33
  Dora: And out through your pelvis.
• 20:37
  Dora: And ask yourself these questions.
• 20:39
  Dora: And you can definitely journal.
• 20:41
  Dora: Number one.
• 20:43
  Dora: Where am I abandoning myself in this relationship?
• 20:47
  Dora: You can definitely pause here at this recording.
• 20:52
  Dora: Or you can think about what comes up for you.
• 20:59
  Dora: Are you abandoning yourself in keeping silent?
• 21:02
  Dora: Because I always say you can do one of two things.
• 21:04
  Dora: You can speak up or you can not say anything at all.
• 21:07
  Dora: In either way, you're making a choice.
• 21:11
  Dora: Number two.
• 21:12
  Dora: What boundary does my inner niña need today?
• 21:15
  Dora: So my inner child.
• 21:17
  Dora: What boundary does my inner child need today?
• 21:22
  Dora: I often hear my clients and even comes up with those around me and myself on I just need to be heard and seen and validated and just cry it out sometimes.
• 21:33
  Dora: Have that space, that safe space, that non-judgment zone to just let it out, whatever it is that's coming up.
• 21:42
  Dora: Number three, what truth am I afraid to say out loud?
• 21:49
  Dora: So is it the truth that you're being gaslit or you're making yourself doubt everything you say, everything you do, everything you think because of this one individual?
• 21:59
  Dora: They're making you doubt everything that you're that you thought was real, or you think you're good enough, but then they just put you down or they belittle you and they make you think otherwise?
• 22:09
  Dora: So what is that truth that you're afraid of that you want to say out loud?
• 22:15
  Dora: Number four, if I honor myself fully, what would change?
• 22:21
  Dora: So if you were to be the best version of yourself right now, what would you do differently?
• 22:26
  Dora: Would you speak up?
• 22:28
  Dora: Would you maybe act a little different?
• 22:30
  Dora: Maybe dress a little different?
• 22:33
  Dora: Maybe not dim yourself down so much?
• 22:35
  Dora: Maybe your pachito, like your chest, would be a little more like out because you're like, oh, I'm proud of myself.
• 22:42
  Dora: Like, I'm proud of what you did today.
• 22:44
  Dora: And then so and so comes along and just tells you, Oh, this is not good enough.
• 22:49
  Dora: Like, seriously, it's not good enough for you?
• 22:52
  Dora: Just think about.
• 22:53
  Dora: If you honored yourself fully today, what would change?
• 22:57
  Dora: Number five.
• 22:59
  Dora: What does my body feel when I imagine staying?
• 23:03
  Dora: So if you stay, what does your body feel like?
• 23:08
  Dora: Does it shrink?
• 23:12
  Dora: Does it remember?
• 23:14
  Dora: Is it painful?
• 23:17
  Dora: Do you shake?
• 23:19
  Dora: Does your heart beat a little faster?
• 23:23
  Dora: Now imagine leaving.
• 23:25
  Dora: So what would your body feel like if you were leaving?
• 23:30
  Dora: Would it actually be better off?
• 23:35
  Dora: Or would it actually tell you more?
• 23:38
  Dora: And sit with that.
• 23:40
  Dora: Let your body answer these questions.
• 23:42
  Dora: Your body knows the truth before the mind admits it.
• 23:46
  Dora: So definitely give yourself some space to do these questions and these reflections.
• 24:03
  Dora: Loving someone with narcissistic traits is not a simple journey.
• 24:07
  Dora: But neither is breaking generational trauma.
• 24:10
  Dora: Neither is reclaiming your essencia.
• 24:13
  Dora: You're not alone.
• 24:14
  Dora: You're not traumatic.
• 24:16
  Dora: You're not asking for too much.
• 24:18
  Dora: You're asking for what you've always deserved.
• 24:21
  Dora: Safety, honesty, connection, respect, and peace.
• 24:26
  Dora: So remember, embrace your races, reclaim your essencia, and never abandon yourself again.
• 24:31
  Dora: Hasta la próxima, sending you so much love.
• 24:34
  Dora: Bye for now.
• 24:35
  Dora: Bye.