Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / When Guys Don't Call Back After Sex

Transcript

When Guys Don't Call Back After Sex · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the doctor psych mom show.
• 0:08
  Today, we're going to be talking about this myth side, guys.
• 0:11
  Don't call back after sex and how this is.
• 0:16
  Kind of a very pernicious, bad, sort of Trope, that really has
• 0:22
  nothing to do with reality. We will discuss that first.
• 0:25
  Please do subscribe, the most recent episode discusses.
• 0:29
  What kind of porn actually helps with your sex life and it's not
• 0:33
  the amateur shit guys. So, you'll have to subscribe to
• 0:36
  hear about that and to get close to a hundred other subscriber
• 0:39
  episodes. So I think that's a pretty good
• 0:41
  deal for five ninety-nine a month.
• 0:43
  It's pretty much 25% of my episodes or subscriber.
• 0:47
  So anyhow, when guys, don't call back after sex.
• 0:51
  So this is like something that women say and it's very, it's
• 0:54
  old-fashioned. But the women saying it don't
• 0:56
  realize that it's old-fashioned, you know, they're just saying
• 0:59
  the stuff that their mothers and grandmothers would say, like,
• 1:01
  you know, why would he buy the cow?
• 1:03
  If he can, if he can get the milk for free?
• 1:05
  Type of thing. We're not cows.
• 1:07
  We don't have milk and the analogy really doesn't hold
• 1:11
  because you just got to think of it like this.
• 1:14
  If a guy just had great sex, why would he not want to do that
• 1:19
  again? That doesn't make any sense,
• 1:21
  right? Like if you went to a
• 1:22
  restaurant, you really like the food, don't you want to go back
• 1:25
  to the restaurant, Ivy like this just makes sense.
• 1:28
  And if it was like a restaurant, that was just amazing.
• 1:33
  Like, would you ever be like, no.
• 1:35
  Now you know I did that I don't ever ever want to do that again.
• 1:38
  Especially the restaurant was like easy to get to, you know?
• 1:41
  Cuz it's like in this analogy you are.
• 1:44
  It's not like the guy had sex with you but you know he's like
• 1:47
  a spy you know, who has to go back to like his home continent,
• 1:52
  you know? And you're over here.
• 1:53
  Like it's like a guy who lives in your city.
• 1:55
  Probably that could easily see you again.
• 1:58
  So if he like the sex with you wouldn't he want to do it again,
• 2:02
  right? But people don't like to say
• 2:04
  this because then what? Sega's.
• 2:05
  He didn't like the sex with me, big shit, right?
• 2:08
  I mean, like, he didn't like the sex with you fine.
• 2:10
  Let him edit himself out of your potential partner list sooner
• 2:14
  than later because obviously you were not sexually compatible
• 2:17
  now. Some women are like the sex was
• 2:18
  amazing and he still doesn't call me back.
• 2:21
  Well, it wasn't like it wasn't. It was it like I don't know how
• 2:25
  many ways to say it wasn't. It's upsetting.
• 2:28
  I guess you know if you think of yourself as somebody with good
• 2:30
  judgment to know you thought the sex was good.
• 2:33
  He didn't all right, shit. Happens, you know, like we're
• 2:36
  not perfect people. Sometimes our judgment is is
• 2:39
  missing. It's not there.
• 2:40
  We want me like the guy so much. He's so cute.
• 2:43
  Whatever that we like to think it went different than it did.
• 2:46
  And I'll tell you what, kind of sex, the women usually tell me
• 2:48
  about right after that, that turns out I'm like, yeah, no
• 2:51
  shit wasn't that good. But first women do this to.
• 2:55
  So this is like another way to be anti-male.
• 2:57
  There's enough anti-male shit out there.
• 2:59
  It's like terrifying for women with sons.
• 3:01
  It's like a very empty male popular culture.
• 3:05
  Men are the ones that were allowed to say, you're stupid or
• 3:08
  inept, or, you know, have no foresight or slobs, you can
• 3:12
  never say that about women. Anyway.
• 3:14
  Um, so women do that, too. Usually it's with kissing, so
• 3:19
  they're like, oh my God, he was like such a good guy, but I feel
• 3:22
  so bad because we didn't have any chemistry with the kids.
• 3:25
  So I'm just not going to return messages anymore and I'm like
• 3:28
  okay like you fine you know, like it it's honestly it's 50/50
• 3:34
  based on the In, whether they would rather be ghosted, or
• 3:36
  rather be told you are a bad kisser, really?
• 3:39
  Like you are a bad kisser, could make somebody like so upset.
• 3:44
  You know why? Like why do that personally?
• 3:47
  If like somebody didn't like, how I kiss, I would rather them
• 3:50
  ghost me than tell me, you're a bad kisser.
• 3:51
  So, 50% of the world, probably agrees and 50% would rather hear
• 3:55
  it. So, who am I to say who this guy
• 3:57
  is? I don't fucking know.
• 3:58
  So you want to go to fucking ghost of the same thing with
• 4:01
  the, with the man with the woman, it was sex is More
• 4:05
  intimate right than just kissing.
• 4:07
  So in that case, make something up, don't be like you were a
• 4:09
  terrible lay. What's the point of that?
• 4:11
  It's just hurtful like instead see like, oh, you know, I didn't
• 4:15
  really feel such a connection, you know, I'm sorry.
• 4:18
  And that's it. Don't say, I didn't feel such a
• 4:20
  connection because our sexual experience was terrible.
• 4:23
  You don't always have to be honest, people that struggle
• 4:26
  with like super honesty that they always have to be honest in
• 4:30
  every situation, even if it hurts somebody or frequently
• 4:33
  anxious, people that tend toward what we call.
• 4:35
  Scrupulosity, which is like a form of OCD where you always
• 4:38
  have. To be honest, don't do that.
• 4:40
  Don't hurt somebody's feelings by telling them what a terrible
• 4:42
  sexual partner. They were, why would you do
• 4:44
  that? I mean, you know, it's just
• 4:46
  doesn't make any sense. It's just hurtful.
• 4:48
  It's like if some kids didn't want to be your kids friend
• 4:51
  because your kid make jokes, that weren't funny.
• 4:53
  Wouldn't you want them? Just to kind of Fade Out?
• 4:55
  Would you want them to be like, you know, I really liked you,
• 4:58
  but your jokes are really terrible.
• 5:00
  You have no sense of humor. You have no comedic timing at
• 5:03
  all. I cringe whenever you open your
• 5:05
  mouth. No, you really don't need that
• 5:07
  level of honesty, you don't want your kid to hear that.
• 5:09
  Sometimes we're just not meant to be with somebody, but this
• 5:11
  isn't a sight, you know. Anyway, the point being here is
• 5:17
  totally normal to not want to pursue a relationship.
• 5:20
  If there's not enough, sexual compatibility, or chemistry when
• 5:23
  I posted about this because usually I have an idea, I make a
• 5:26
  video or a, some sort of thing. And then I do my podcast,
• 5:29
  sometimes it's the inverse, but in this case I did a video on
• 5:32
  it, I think and could Have been a canvas, a little thing, you
• 5:37
  know, what are those memes? Things, but you should be
• 5:40
  following me on social media. This means to get this shit
• 5:43
  ahead of ahead of time. But anyway, so I post about it
• 5:47
  and people, you know, it's a very, it's a very controversial
• 5:52
  topic because they're, you know, you want to believe that a guy
• 5:57
  that did something bad to you, is a bad guy versus thinking
• 6:02
  that like he had a reason and the reason might have something
• 6:05
  With you, you know. So people will be like no like
• 6:09
  guys are just assholes and they just want one thing and then and
• 6:13
  you know, then they're done. They don't even if they just
• 6:16
  wanted the one thing. Wouldn't they want to do the
• 6:18
  same thing again? And then somebody said, well,
• 6:21
  sexual compatibility can grow over time?
• 6:25
  I, I don't know about that one. I don't know about that one.
• 6:30
  Now, certainly, somebody can learn to be better at certain
• 6:33
  technical things over time. Time I get that 100% you can
• 6:38
  learn to be better at like oral sex, right?
• 6:40
  Like I did my podcast about that subscriber one on oral sex on
• 6:44
  women, the other one on blowjobs, my still my most
• 6:47
  listen to episode but you can learn these technical things
• 6:50
  which it can't learn. Is like whether you have passion
• 6:54
  and chemistry and a spark, you can't learn that.
• 6:58
  That doesn't really like some people are like, well sex, if
• 7:01
  sex is really awkward, you know, could be really awkward the
• 7:03
  first time All right, so do it a couple more times but like don't
• 7:09
  do it more than that. You do.
• 7:11
  Like it is not any better the first few times, like, how's it
• 7:14
  going to get better? I have a podcast coming up that
• 7:17
  I'm going to her and do soon called the elephant in the room.
• 7:20
  So there's a lot of people that have an elephant in the room of
• 7:23
  their relationship, and I'll talk about this in depth and
• 7:25
  that episode. But one of them is like, we were
• 7:27
  never sexually compatible. We do not have passion, like,
• 7:31
  what we see on television and it's like, well, you probably
• 7:35
  Ali could have told that in the first encounter but you listened
• 7:38
  to too much of this garbage about like sexual compatibility
• 7:40
  can grow. No, it can't compatibility,
• 7:44
  doesn't really grow that passion, that spark that liking
• 7:47
  the same things, you know? Like so let me give you examples
• 7:51
  because I promise I'm sure you're on tenterhooks here,
• 7:53
  waiting for examples of the type of sex that woman tell me about.
• 7:56
  That was so good. But yet for some reason that
• 7:59
  motherfucker didn't call back, let me tell you what it looked
• 8:02
  like. It looked like he wanted to do
• 8:04
  stuff. Didn't want to do with the
• 8:07
  translation means literally I wanted to do almost nothing.
• 8:12
  I was I was nervous but you know but he was really patient and he
• 8:18
  said that it was okay. Meaning basically I told him to
• 8:21
  come back to my house, we ended up doing nothing after flirting
• 8:25
  all this time except a little bit of kissing and being a man
• 8:29
  who's like forty five fucking years old.
• 8:31
  He got frustrated and he doesn't really want to see me anymore.
• 8:33
  No harm, no foul. Honestly, you guys are not
• 8:36
  compatible. He wants to be with somebody who
• 8:39
  is sexually open and enthusiastic about engaging and
• 8:43
  you want to be with somebody who's okay with just making out
• 8:47
  for extended time. That is okay, it is okay to be
• 8:50
  different people but what is not okay is in to vilify this guy
• 8:54
  for, you know, fading out after after this whole all happened.
• 8:59
  Yeah. Okay.
• 8:59
  Will be nicer. He shouldn't like block your
• 9:02
  number. He should say something.
• 9:04
  If he has been to Our house, there was even a specter of sex
• 9:07
  on the horizon, then he should say something like I'm sorry.
• 9:10
  Didn't you know? Didn't really work out?
• 9:11
  I don't really feel a connection.
• 9:13
  He should not be like, because I'm terrified that you will be
• 9:15
  the second sexless marriage. I get into in my lifetime.
• 9:18
  He doesn't need to say that. I mean, you know, then you're
• 9:21
  going to cry so you don't need to cry.
• 9:23
  So, the point being, when guys, when women say that it was a
• 9:28
  good sexual encounter with a usually minutes, the guy was a
• 9:30
  good kisser, he was really attractive and I was really into
• 9:33
  him. But I have like 47 things that I
• 9:36
  won't do in bed frequently including have any sex at all.
• 9:40
  And so but but but you know, I've watched a lot of Nicholas
• 9:44
  Sparks, you know, book to movies and I'm really romance
• 9:49
  Aficionado and I think that the making out would have been
• 9:53
  enough for a 45 year old man post-divorce.
• 9:56
  It is not enough, it would not be enough for a woman in that
• 10:00
  situation with a high libido either.
• 10:02
  Think about it like this. If you go back as a woman, Let's
• 10:05
  visualize a being a woman who is interested in a man.
• 10:09
  You go back to his house. He's like oh I can't wait to be
• 10:11
  with you later, right? Like everything's going for you
• 10:13
  to have sex. You're all excited.
• 10:15
  You get back there and he's like, I'm not ready, you're not
• 10:19
  ready really? Okay.
• 10:21
  Well nothing you could do about that but that's a little bit,
• 10:25
  not what you were wanting. So you would be within your
• 10:28
  rights. I would hope if you've read dr.
• 10:31
  Psych mom, to be like never marry a man with a lower sex.
• 10:35
  Drive than you. So maybe this would be a very
• 10:37
  big reason to not continue the relationship.
• 10:40
  So then guys will say, well, I thought you said, you know,
• 10:43
  sometimes, you know, let's say you're a guy, you're back on The
• 10:46
  Dating Market, you're terrified, you're very anxious about it.
• 10:50
  And so you're scared that, you're going to have erectile
• 10:52
  dysfunction, premature ejaculation something fine.
• 10:56
  So so then maybe you want to wait, but what are you waiting
• 11:00
  for? Exactly like, like that's gonna
• 11:02
  happen. It's like the people that want
• 11:04
  to like, wait to be Prize with the baby's board about the
• 11:06
  gender is also a surprise when you see the sonogram.
• 11:10
  It's a surprise, no matter which way you do it.
• 11:13
  So if you have sex with a woman after three dates and you go
• 11:17
  soft, because you're anxious and it takes you guys a little bit
• 11:20
  of time to get your Rhythm fine, that would have happened in, you
• 11:24
  know, if you waited till the 6th date, also, you know, the same
• 11:27
  thing would have happened. So what people who are naturally
• 11:31
  kind of sex, a verse and shy about sex, think, Ink.
• 11:35
  Is that if the person knows me well enough, then it won't
• 11:39
  matter that I have these issues. And I don't like that for the
• 11:44
  other person though, because the other person then feels this,
• 11:48
  you know, kind of emotional tie and this like guilt trip, you
• 11:52
  know because they've known you for so long.
• 11:54
  There's a sunk cost. Their therapist is not on speed
• 11:57
  dial at that moment to tell them to get the fuck out of Dodge if
• 12:00
  the sex you know if the sexual compatibility isn't there.
• 12:03
  So like a guy who's been A woman.
• 12:06
  Well, I mean, there's just so much to be said, because there
• 12:08
  are difference between guy who will stay dating a woman for six
• 12:11
  dates in his 40s without any sex.
• 12:14
  At a guy who won't and the difference is usually
• 12:17
  self-esteem, sometimes it's being religious, I don't know
• 12:20
  much about this. The only super conservative
• 12:23
  religious people, I see are the people who have terrible sex
• 12:25
  lives because of the super conservative religious stuff and
• 12:28
  then I see them. So I'm not getting full full
• 12:31
  range, you know, I'm not getting the ones who were super happy
• 12:33
  with their marriage sex. Laws but yeah okay I could see
• 12:37
  if it's really important to you to wait until marriage or
• 12:39
  something. Then that's why you're waiting
• 12:41
  fine. But I'm talking about people
• 12:43
  that are waiting because they're anxious, they're anxious about
• 12:46
  getting rejected, you are allowed to be rejected over, not
• 12:51
  clicking. So guys can also tell.
• 12:54
  So there's a very big difference between the woman that doesn't
• 12:57
  know how to do a certain sexual position and the woman who's
• 13:01
  like, no underwear stay on. Nope.
• 13:03
  Nope, nope, nope. I don't do that.
• 13:05
  To do that. I don't do that.
• 13:06
  I don't do that. I don't do that.
• 13:07
  And these women are like thinking that was a good sexual
• 13:10
  encounter, that wasn't a good sexual encounter this like being
• 13:13
  in prison so it's not a good sexual encounter, so yes.
• 13:17
  So there is really no replacing sexual compatibility and liking
• 13:22
  the same stuff. So, in your first encounter,
• 13:25
  usually is how the rest of the sex life is going to go.
• 13:28
  If your first encounter is terrible and awkward, it
• 13:31
  generally does not get better because certain things Yeah.
• 13:35
  Okay, you don't know the same positions at each other.
• 13:37
  Like, maybe he's not going to get you off through intercourse,
• 13:39
  because he doesn't know what position you could do that.
• 13:41
  But he will usually get you off. If he can get you off.
• 13:44
  If he, if he is, if you are going to be sexually compatible,
• 13:48
  he usually can get you off in the first encounter because you
• 13:52
  would like tell him how to do it in the first encounter.
• 13:55
  So you also have to take responsibility for sexual
• 13:57
  compatibility. It doesn't just come from
• 13:59
  heaven, but if in the first encounter, you're trying to tell
• 14:02
  them how to get you off at, he's like fumbling all over the
• 14:04
  place. I can't figure it out, you know,
• 14:07
  I mean it's not a good sign, it's just not a good sign.
• 14:11
  It's not PC to say that. Sex is important in these
• 14:14
  earliest stages, but it is so important because every day I
• 14:18
  deal with the aftermath of couples, who ignored how
• 14:21
  important it was and it never goes away at this problem.
• 14:25
  Never goes away. If in the earliest encounters,
• 14:27
  you did not enjoy making out with each other and you kept
• 14:31
  thinking that the other ones kissing style would somehow
• 14:34
  magically improve. And of course, you could teach
• 14:35
  people how to kiss, you can teach people how to kids.
• 14:37
  Of course, I haven't have a post about this but it's just it's
• 14:42
  not a very good sign, it really isn't.
• 14:44
  So what you want to do is say if I'm into somebody and I sleep
• 14:49
  with them good, if it turns out that we're sexually compatible
• 14:53
  great, he will likely call and she will likely call and return
• 14:57
  my calls. But if not, then it's just like
• 15:00
  the same as any other aspect of compatibility.
• 15:03
  It's like the date is going really, really well.
• 15:05
  You say, you're a Democrat, he says he's a Republican.
• 15:07
  And then it's kind of like game over, which happens more and
• 15:09
  more nowadays. Now, the politics are so just,
• 15:12
  you know, integral dichotomous sort of, sort of dating.
• 15:16
  We doubt thing which it never used to be.
• 15:18
  There's a lot of books about this about the polarization of
• 15:22
  politics like by Ezra Klein. But anyway the the point here is
• 15:27
  that this is just one more variable if you if everything is
• 15:32
  going well and that you get into bed and it's terrible.
• 15:35
  Then you should probably not be dating anymore, like otherwise
• 15:38
  you're going to end up in my office or somebody like me in 10
• 15:41
  years thinking about why you did not listen to your gut after the
• 15:44
  first encounter, all right? So, that is what I have to say
• 15:47
  about that and hopefully it was a different perspective for you
• 15:51
  and if some utility and I will talk to you soon, have a great
• 15:54
  day.