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Transcript

How to Trust Yourself Again After Divorce: Rebuild Confidence & Find Your Voice · Bent Not Broken: Starting Over After Divorce | Post Divorce Life

• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: Someone asks you a simple question.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: What do you want?
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: And you freeze.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: You know what your children need.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: You know what your former spouse preferred.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: You can probably tell when someone is disappointed before they say a word.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: But what do you want?
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: That answer may take a little longer.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: If you've lost touch with yourself during your marriage, this episode is an invitation to get curious about your needs, your preferences, and the woman you're becoming.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Bent Not Broken, starting over after divorce.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Coach Deborah.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: In my recent conversation with counselor and certified sex therapist Hannah Smith, we talked about rebuilding confidence, setting boundaries, and approaching intimacy after divorce.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: One part of that conversation that stayed with me was how difficult it can be to recognize what brings you joy when you've spent years silencing yourself.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you stopped suggesting things because your ideas were criticized.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you learned to say whatever you want because disagreeing made the evening harder.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: Or perhaps you became so busy caring for everyone else that checking in with yourself gradually disappeared from your day.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: Now that the marriage has ended and you have choices again, but having choices and feeling comfortable about making them can be two different experiences.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: Today, let's explore a few small ways to begin.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine you have a free Saturday afternoon.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: Before you fill it with chores or ask someone else what they need, pause.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: Would you enjoy seeing a friend?
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: How about visiting a bookstore, taking a drive, staying home?
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: Notice what comes up before you start explaining why it's inconvenient, unnecessary, or something you should have put off.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: You may hear that familiar voice.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: That's a waste of time.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: Try asking, do I believe that?
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Or am I repeating something I've heard?
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to turn every preference into an action, but you can start acknowledging that it exists.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'd like some quiet.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: I miss dancing.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: I want to try that.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: Those are useful things to know about yourself.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: And if your answer is still, I don't know, choose something small to explore.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: You're allowed to discover your preferences through experience.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: During the interview, Hannah and I discussed what it means to be a good wife.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: I mentioned having dinner on the table every night at 5 o'clock.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: For someone who loves cooking, that may be a welcome part of the day.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: For someone else, it might be an obligation they've quietly resented for years.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: That example invites a bigger question.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: What rules are you still following?
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps you believe you must always be agreeable.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps you feel guilty resting while something remains unfinished.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps you think a loving partner should anticipate everyone's needs without asking for help.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: Take one expectation and examine it.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: Where did it come from?
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: Does it reflect your values?
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: What would you choose if you gave yourself permission to reconsider it?
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: You can value generosity and also need rest.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: You can enjoy caring for people and also want care in return.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: And as you rebuild your life after divorce, you have an opportunity to decide how those values will look in practice.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: Finding your voice can start in everyday conversations.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'd rather meet earlier.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna pass this time.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: I need a little more time before I answer.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: Try letting one of those sentences stand without immediately apologizing or offering a lengthy explanation.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: You may feel uncomfortable.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: Give yourself a moment before withdrawing what you said.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: Then notice the response.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: Does the other person listen?
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: Can they accept a different preference?
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: Do they give you space to make a decision?
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: Healthy communication allows room for both people to have needs.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: Hannah also explained that a boundary concerns your own actions.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: For example, if the conversation becomes insulting, I'm gonna end this call.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: That statement gives you something you can follow through on.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: It also helps you clarify what you're willing to participate in.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to deliver it perfectly.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: Practice can help you find your language that sounds like you.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: If you're thinking about dating after divorce, you may wonder whether you can trust your judgment again.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: You might feel drawn to someone and nervous at the same time.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: You might enjoy their company while needing more time before sharing personal details or becoming physically close.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: You can take that time.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: Pay attention to what happens when you express a preference or say no.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: Does this person respect your answer?
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: Do their actions remain consistent over time?
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: Can you speak honestly without being pressured?
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: You can gather information gradually.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: And if something leaves you uncertain, talk it through with someone you trust or a qualified therapist.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: You're allowed to seek support while making your own decision.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: And at the end of the interview, Hannah encouraged listeners to do something that helps them make friends with their bodies.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: That might be listening to music you love, taking a comfortable walk, sitting outside and noticing the breeze.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: Choose an experience that feels accessible and comfortable for you.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to look a certain way to participate.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to turn it into a fitness goal or prove that you're healing.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: Just notice, do I enjoy this?
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: Your answer matters.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: Write down these three sentences and finish them honestly.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: One thing I miss doing is.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: One thing I'd like to say is, one choice I want to make for myself is.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: And afterward ask yourself, what did I learn?
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you enjoyed it.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you changed your mind.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: Either answer helps you understand yourself a little better.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: Rebuilding self-trust can include making a choice, noticing the result, and allowing yourself to adjust.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: You're learning how to listen to yourself again.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: If this conversation resonated with you, listen to my full interview with Hannah Smith.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: We'll explore intimacy after divorce, body confidence, boundaries, and rediscovering joy.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: And if you know a woman who keeps saying, I don't even know what I want anymore, consider sharing this episode with her.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Coach Deborah.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for joining me on Bent Not Broken, starting over after divorce.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: As you write your next chapter, make room for what you want to.