Latest / Long Haul Marriage Roadcast / The Sex Conversation (Part 3 of 10) 10 Things that can Make or Break Your Marriage

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The Sex Conversation (Part 3 of 10) 10 Things that can Make or Break Your Marriage · Long Haul Marriage Roadcast

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: To start off the episode.
• 0:06
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 0:07
  Speaker 3: Hey, everybody. Welcome in.
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: Hello.
• 0:29
  Speaker 3: Looking forward to part three of our marriage series. Isn't
• 0:35
  Speaker 3: everything marriage series on Long Haul Marriage?
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: And just so y'all know, when we start this, Mila
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: runs in like she's so excited because she thinks people
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: are coming into the house.
• 0:46
  Speaker 3: Yeah, because we're talking. Uh-huh. Hey, great dinner, baby. Thank you.
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: That was an easy one.
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: Really good.
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: Thank you, Costco, for making it easy.
• 0:55
  Speaker 3: So I was looking forward to this. Mm-hmm. You can
• 0:59
  Speaker 3: think about one thing you love about me, but I
• 1:02
  Speaker 3: love that you're an incredible cook and you take care
• 1:06
  Speaker 3: of us. You gift of hospitality. We just did this
• 1:10
  Speaker 3: marriage collective thing in Georgia. We were at three days
• 1:13
  Speaker 3: with people who it's called the marriage collective and people
• 1:16
  Speaker 3: who pour into marriages and we were being poured into.
• 1:19
  Speaker 3: And it was kind of a last minute invite to
• 1:22
  Speaker 3: people get on this list. And there's way more that
• 1:24
  Speaker 3: want to go than are invited. Um, Some friend of
• 1:28
  Speaker 3: ours who just went for the first time last year
• 1:31
  Speaker 3: talked to his connection. And man, we got invited. We did.
• 1:35
  Speaker 3: It was incredible.
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: We did.
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: That was such a fun email to get a few
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: weeks ago.
• 1:39
  Speaker 3: One of the things was name your spouse's superpower. And
• 1:43
  Speaker 3: I said, you have the gift of hospitality. And you're
• 1:47
  Speaker 3: just like a huge servant. And you make especially women
• 1:53
  Speaker 3: feel seen and heard. Thank you.
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: But men too.
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: Thank you.
• 1:57
  Speaker 3: But your gift of hospitality is your superpower.
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: Well, I do love it.
• 2:01
  Speaker 3: Yeah, that's why. Evergreen is such a big deal with women.
• 2:05
  Speaker 3: You just, man, you crush it.
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: Thank you. I love that.
• 2:09
  Speaker 3: Somebody said.
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: Oh, go ahead.
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: Go, go, go. I was just going to say one
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: thing I love about you among many, many is I
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: witness your determination every day. When you want to do something,
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: when you need to do something, when you want to
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: learn something new, you're not afraid. You will figure it out.
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: Whether it's fixing something at the house, I'm like, what?
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: Is he an electrician now? Oh, he's a plumber? Oh, interesting.
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: Oh, he works on wells? I had no idea. That's
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: why nothing works, because I try to do it. So either,
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: either that. Or it's like something, some deep dive that
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: you want to learn about ancient civilizations. And you just
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: dig in deep and you could listen for hours. But
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: then also, I've always, I've been so thankful our whole
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: 37 years of marriage that I get serenaded by, On
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: the daily with your beautiful guitar, piano, singing. I know
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: you're like, no, I don't know how to sing. Y'all,
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: he's lying about that. But he does. He's got a
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: beautiful voice and can sing any, you know, really any part.
• 3:25
  Speaker 3: No.
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: But... I have gotten the privilege of getting serenaded for
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: our whole marriage, whether I'm cleaning or taking a nap
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: or whatever, working on whatever around the house, cooking. I
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: get to have my own personal playlist in the background,
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: and I love it. But what I've witnessed even more lately,
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: I would say, is you really digging in on learning
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: new songs that you haven't conquered yet and And when,
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: what I love is you, a lot of people might
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: be able to like just to, if they're pretty good
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: at the guitar, pick it up and just like play
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: it where like, yeah, I can tell what that sounds like.
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: You are meticulous.
• 4:08
  Speaker 3: I want to get it exactly.
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: Very detailed.
• 4:10
  Speaker 3: The way the original artist played it. And I want
• 4:13
  Speaker 3: to play. now lead guitar, note for note.
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: And you will not quit till you've conquered it.
• 4:18
  Speaker 3: Well, what's interesting, you talk about beautiful serenade. And when
• 4:20
  Speaker 3: I'm in there learning ACDC, you shook me all night long.
• 4:24
  Speaker 3: Like learning that if you listen to the lead guitar
• 4:26
  Speaker 3: in that, it's very kind of like old school rockability rock.
• 4:30
  Speaker 3: It could be a country, you know, lead, but it's all,
• 4:33
  Speaker 3: you know, just heavy metal. But the fact that you
• 4:37
  Speaker 3: can sleep through that, and that's not a beautiful serenade.
• 4:40
  Speaker 3: That's in me, you know, just learning that stuff. The
• 4:44
  Speaker 3: Hotel California lead, you know, that takes a long time
• 4:47
  Speaker 3: to get the Felder and Joe Walsh, you know, the
• 4:51
  Speaker 3: dueling guitars to get that down. Anyway, I appreciate it
• 4:55
  Speaker 3: because you love it. You clap when I'm done.
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: I do.
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: I clap.
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: But since you've been teaching music lessons, piano and guitar,
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: recently in the last, what, couple of months, you've learned
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: new songs, even out of like certain genres that you
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: would normally learn.
• 5:12
  Speaker 3: Turnpike, Troubadour, Seven and Seven.
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 5:15
  Speaker 3: That's a great, great song. The opening lick in that.
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: Because the people that you're teaching, exactly.
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: But they, you know, they request it. They're like, I
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: want to learn this one. And so you learn it
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: exactly so you can teach it.
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: And I just love it.
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 5:32
  Speaker 3: Well, thank you.
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 5:33
  Speaker 3: It's been a blessing because you don't mind. I mean,
• 5:37
  Speaker 3: it's like, and I thought she's just tolerating and putting
• 5:39
  Speaker 3: up with it, but you love it. You really do
• 5:41
  Speaker 3: love it. That's cool. Today, let's see, I went through
• 5:45
  Speaker 3: right after. We had a couple, and then I married
• 5:47
  Speaker 3: the couple, did a ceremony in our living room.
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: We did a wedding.
• 5:50
  Speaker 3: Because they're going to get married in Cancun. There was
• 5:52
  Speaker 3: a lot of stuff about the marriage license and all
• 5:54
  Speaker 3: kinds of stuff there.
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I didn't know that.
• 5:56
  Speaker 3: They just got the Tarrant County license. We did it
• 5:58
  Speaker 3: here in Wise County. That's interesting. But then I went
• 6:02
  Speaker 3: in there and went through, let's see, more than a
• 6:03
  Speaker 3: feeling at Boston. Did Hootie and the Blowfish hold my hand? Played,
• 6:10
  Speaker 3: didn't get to China Grove. That's a favorite. But let's see,
• 6:13
  Speaker 3: what did I do? After that, we did Seven and Seven.
• 6:17
  Speaker 3: Did a little Tennessee Whiskey by Chris Stapleton. Anyway, it's fun.
• 6:24
  Speaker 3: And you just, you know, you're in there making dinner.
• 6:28
  Speaker 3: And then I hear a little clap from the kitchen.
• 6:31
  Speaker 2: You say, dinner ready? I love it.
• 6:35
  Speaker 3: Thank you. That's cool. You're welcome. Well, so the Marriage Collective,
• 6:39
  Speaker 3: quick trip to Rome, Georgia. Flew to Atlanta, drove to
• 6:42
  Speaker 3: Rome about an hour and a half with some friends,
• 6:44
  Speaker 3: Eric and Jill Wooten. Eric, shout out. Hey, hey to
• 6:47
  Speaker 3: Eric and Jill. Thank you for that invitation. I felt
• 6:52
  Speaker 3: it's one of those things like somebody said, have you
• 6:55
  Speaker 3: ever had anything that you did? It wasn't on your
• 6:57
  Speaker 3: bucket list, but then it like should have been kind
• 7:00
  Speaker 3: of thing. When we went to Israel, I remember thinking,
• 7:03
  Speaker 3: I mean, I'd heard of the Holy Lands and yeah,
• 7:04
  Speaker 3: it'd be kind of cool. But when we went, we
• 7:06
  Speaker 3: were like, oh my gosh, why wasn't that on the
• 7:08
  Speaker 3: top of our bucket list? The same holds true for
• 7:12
  Speaker 3: the Marriage Collective.
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 7:13
  Speaker 3: Just how blessed we were. Man, to hear from Arthur
• 7:16
  Speaker 3: Brooks and the Barna research, having a great conversation with
• 7:20
  Speaker 3: Jeff and Shanti Feldhahn. Shanti, you know, the author of
• 7:24
  Speaker 3: For Women Only and then Jeff wrote For Men Only.
• 7:27
  Speaker 3: And I mean, how many hundreds of times... I was
• 7:31
  Speaker 3: kind of fanboying, but again, they're the antithesis of that.
• 7:34
  Speaker 3: They don't want to be celebrities.
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: It was 20 years.
• 7:38
  Speaker 3: Ago they wrote that.
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: I loved when we were talking to them and just
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: letting them know how much their work has blessed us
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: in our own marriage and then now in our marriage ministry,
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: passing it on to other people. Well, then as you
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: begin to share with her different things that we've you know,
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: learned or things that keep coming up, hearing about patterns.
• 8:01
  Speaker 3: Cause you see so many couples.
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Um, she said, Oh, hang on just a second.
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: And she took out her remarkable tablet and just started
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: taking notes. And so I, I took a quick pick.
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: I asked her if I could, but.
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: Took a pic of Shanti taking notes on Brian, which.
• 8:17
  Speaker 3: Talk about humility.
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 8:18
  Speaker 3: You know, here's this just hack talking about, you know,
• 8:21
  Speaker 3: marriage stuff. And she just I mean, that's a student
• 8:24
  Speaker 3: always learning. But she wanted to hear what we've seen
• 8:26
  Speaker 3: so many times. And I was just telling her about
• 8:28
  Speaker 3: the uptick in the demographics on people we've seen and
• 8:32
  Speaker 3: these kids 18 to 23 and what they're dealing with
• 8:35
  Speaker 3: in that transition period. I'm going to spoil because she
• 8:40
  Speaker 3: was telling us some stuff about the research that she's
• 8:43
  Speaker 3: doing for a project. And we, I mean, she said,
• 8:46
  Speaker 3: now don't. Don't tell me you're interested because we'll follow up.
• 8:50
  Speaker 3: And they talk about getting five, you know, well, again,
• 8:54
  Speaker 3: I'm not going to say it. Because anyway, it's going
• 8:56
  Speaker 3: to be cool because we may host one of her
• 8:58
  Speaker 3: research projects right here in our home. And that'd be so,
• 9:01
  Speaker 3: I mean, so great to be part of that.
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: So let's talk real quick about Winshape, about this property.
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: out in Rome, Georgia. So you fly to Atlanta, drive
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: about an hour and a half. The whole property is
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: called Wind Shape, and it's owned by the Cathy family
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: of Chick-fil-A. And they have Berry College there. They have
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: several cottages where it's like for foster homes. Then they
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: have all these retreats and camps for kids and adults
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: and a marriage side of things. And Beautiful, 27,000 acres
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: of green pastures, ponds, just, it used to be a
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: dairy farm.
• 9:48
  Speaker 3: Found out there was some bass and bluegill in one
• 9:50
  Speaker 3: of the ponds.
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you sure did. All of the buildings on there
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: are old but updated, white with red roofs everywhere. and
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: look like you would... I don't know. I mean, it
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: looks like it would be a dairy farm. Just gorgeous.
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: So they.
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: Thank you to the Cathy family that's so generous to
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: offer that for all of those things.
• 10:14
  Speaker 3: Yeah, they sponsor that marriage collective they have for years.
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: A little coffee shop on the property.
• 10:21
  Speaker 3: And by the way, the marriage collective, we got to go.
• 10:23
  Speaker 3: It's like you get there, you pay for your flight
• 10:26
  Speaker 3: or you drive or whatever, and then they take care
• 10:29
  Speaker 3: of everything else. And to hear the people that they
• 10:34
  Speaker 3: brought in to speak and to encourage us and to
• 10:38
  Speaker 3: really I mean, it encouraged me because so many times
• 10:43
  Speaker 3: we're doing this marriage ministry, you and me, and everybody's
• 10:46
  Speaker 3: got their, a lot of people there have their own
• 10:48
  Speaker 3: nonprofits and they're just kind of in their own place
• 10:50
  Speaker 3: in the United States all over. You know what people
• 10:52
  Speaker 3: from Florida and Virginia and Ohio and Montana and Houston.
• 10:58
  Speaker 3: And it was just Frisco anyway, all over. And, you
• 11:03
  Speaker 3: get to just realize, wow, we're all in this together.
• 11:06
  Speaker 3: There's a lot of people who care about the stuff
• 11:08
  Speaker 3: that we care about and that are working on it.
• 11:11
  Speaker 3: But it was so cool to hear again from Arthur Brooks,
• 11:14
  Speaker 3: from the AI people, from Barna Research, just what we're
• 11:19
  Speaker 3: dealing with, what's happening in our culture and why it's
• 11:22
  Speaker 3: so important that we, because the decline of, you know, dating,
• 11:27
  Speaker 3: the decline of people getting married, people waiting to get married,
• 11:30
  Speaker 3: if at all, until their thirties, the decrease in having
• 11:33
  Speaker 3: kids because of what they've seen, the modeling and their
• 11:38
  Speaker 3: own experience, their own homes, and then what's all over
• 11:40
  Speaker 3: social media. But what's encouraging is you still have a
• 11:46
  Speaker 3: large percentage of, who knows about Gen Alpha, but Gen
• 11:49
  Speaker 3: Zers who want to get married. They are hopeful about, well,
• 11:55
  Speaker 3: they want to get married, but they just don't know
• 11:56
  Speaker 3: how to get there.
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah.
• 11:58
  Speaker 3: Where do they meet people?
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: Or they didn't have great models of marriages growing up.
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: And so they're like, I don't want that. So what
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: do I do? But I want a companion. I want
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: to be married.
• 12:10
  Speaker 3: And so it was, you know, Jimmy Evans, people, we've
• 12:12
  Speaker 3: mentioned him. I've used his marriage on the rock stuff
• 12:15
  Speaker 3: today for marriage today for years. And now XO marriage
• 12:18
  Speaker 3: led by Brent Evans, Jimmy's son. He says, we don't
• 12:21
  Speaker 3: want to just decrease the divorce rate. We want to
• 12:23
  Speaker 3: increase the marriage rate, but we just see what we're
• 12:26
  Speaker 3: up against and what's going on culturally and And it
• 12:29
  Speaker 3: was really, really encouraging. It really lit the fire under
• 12:33
  Speaker 3: my butt for what we do. It was so good.
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: I feel like I left with such a purpose, such
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: an excitement, such a hope for.
• 12:42
  Speaker 3: Like, man, we're in the right lane.
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: We are right in the middle of what is.
• 12:45
  Speaker 3: One of the most important things.
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: It's so important.
• 12:47
  Speaker 3: And we are getting to do it. To save literally everything,
• 12:50
  Speaker 3: our marriages and families. It's generations. It's literally generations. So.
• 12:56
  Speaker 3: And yeah, that whole apocalypticist, there's the people with AI,
• 13:01
  Speaker 3: we're all going to be dead in five years. It
• 13:02
  Speaker 3: was cool to hear people on the front lines that
• 13:06
  Speaker 3: kind of know the ins and outs on the trends
• 13:08
  Speaker 3: and what's happening there and what's really going on there.
• 13:11
  Speaker 3: So yeah, I mean, if you're interested in that, obviously
• 13:14
  Speaker 3: there's a lot of podcasts out there, but there's so
• 13:17
  Speaker 3: much gloom and doom and fear on that front. And, yeah,
• 13:21
  Speaker 3: don't get me started on the one guy who had
• 13:23
  Speaker 3: worked at Anthropic for six weeks and then he went
• 13:26
  Speaker 3: viral all over. It's like, hmm, why are we pushing
• 13:29
  Speaker 3: this guy, you know, who's talking about all the gloom
• 13:32
  Speaker 3: and doom? Anyway, yeah, but it's, yeah, that's another thing.
• 13:36
  Speaker 3: How do you have hope in the face of some
• 13:37
  Speaker 3: really bleak statistics on a lot of stuff with social media,
• 13:42
  Speaker 3: you know, and all that.
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: But it was very hopeful. Very encouraging.
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: The people who were kind of on the front lines
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: seeing all the statistics that could just either say, I
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: don't want to do this anymore, stick my head in
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: the sand and run away as far as I can.
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: But they're right in the thick of it and still very,
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: very hopeful about what's to come and how more than
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: ever people are needed to be there to help other
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: people move forward.
• 14:12
  Speaker 3: One of the cool things I met, I'm not going
• 14:15
  Speaker 3: to mention any names, but the executive assistant for Arthur Brooks, Oh, yeah.
• 14:20
  Speaker 3: And she just two days earlier from when we were
• 14:25
  Speaker 3: sitting down just over coffee and ice cream, two days
• 14:31
  Speaker 3: before that, she was sitting in Jordan Peterson's living room
• 14:35
  Speaker 3: with Arthur Brooks and Jordan Peterson. I thought, man, if
• 14:38
  Speaker 3: I could fly on the wall for that conversation.
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: I bet that was so cool.
• 14:41
  Speaker 3: But she was so smart and so interesting. Yeah, that
• 14:43
  Speaker 3: was such a great... That was just such a good conversation.
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: Speaking of that, this is kind of a rabbit trail, but...
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: One thing that I see in you that I really love,
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: I feel like people would think, Oh, Jamie, you're probably
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: like the bigger of the extroverts. Although they would think
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: you're extroverted, but you really do have some deep introvert tendencies.
• 15:04
  Speaker 2: But what I see is.
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: You've worked that muscle enough to where you're walking into
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: a crowd or at a wedding or at something like this.
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: And you're like, I'm going to look for someone to
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: sit with and just start having a conversation with them. So,
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: you saw her, you were walking in front of me,
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: you saw her sitting there at this little seating area
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: all by herself.
• 15:25
  Speaker 3: And you're kind of off to the side by herself.
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Can, can we sit with you? And so, you know,
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: I was like, Oh, I hope she's okay. Or I
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: don't know what I was thinking. And, um, you struck
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: up this conversation and we sat there for probably over
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: an hour, I don't know, and just had the most
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: incredible conversation with her. And, um, learned a lot and
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: just heard a lot of cool things and shared a
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: lot about long haul marriage and about our story and
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: I thought you know what it took you saying can
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: we can we sit with you you know and just
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: starting a conversation and watching that all that whole I
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: guess we were there for two and a half days
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: or whatever and just watching that and seeing and watching
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: that at weddings when you're like hey can we sit
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: with y'all at this you know this table of randos
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: can we just sit here and just see what comes
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: of those conversations.
• 16:22
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's been, for so much of my life, I
• 16:25
  Speaker 3: would have disengaged. I wouldn't have been present. I would
• 16:29
  Speaker 3: have actually kind of put up walls or some kind
• 16:32
  Speaker 3: of defense mechanism to get out of those deals. Or
• 16:35
  Speaker 3: I sat there and just wouldn't have, you know, I mean,
• 16:38
  Speaker 3: just self-absorbed or just wishing to be anywhere else. But
• 16:42
  Speaker 3: now I'm thinking about, again, we're all just fighting these
• 16:45
  Speaker 3: hard battles. We're all hanging by a thread and As
• 16:48
  Speaker 3: Blake Mabry loves to say, and he's right. And so
• 16:53
  Speaker 3: just realizing that and just getting past the social anxiety,
• 16:56
  Speaker 3: just jumping in, just realizing everybody's anxious. Everybody's got cold hands.
• 17:01
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 17:02
  Speaker 3: But getting past that so you can get to people,
• 17:05
  Speaker 3: getting into lives and getting into what's going on. Man,
• 17:08
  Speaker 3: we're all the same.
• 17:09
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 17:10
  Speaker 3: All going through different stuff, but man, the common struggles.
• 17:14
  Speaker 3: I don't know if I mentioned this last time, but
• 17:16
  Speaker 3: there's a guy who studies... like neuroscience, neuroscience, neurobiology. And
• 17:22
  Speaker 3: he talks a lot about, he's got a lot of
• 17:24
  Speaker 3: like biohacks for the autonomic nervous system and all that.
• 17:29
  Speaker 3: But he said, when, if you, if you sat down
• 17:33
  Speaker 3: with a group of a hundred people and you wrote
• 17:36
  Speaker 3: your top 10, did I mention this last time? I
• 17:38
  Speaker 3: may have. You mentioned your top 10, you write down
• 17:41
  Speaker 3: the top 10 things that you're anxious about and you
• 17:42
  Speaker 3: throw them in a hat. Yeah. When you, when you, Uh,
• 17:47
  Speaker 3: you couldn't, if you poured them out, you couldn't find
• 17:49
  Speaker 3: yours because they're all the same anyway. Uh, but yeah,
• 17:52
  Speaker 3: that was, it was great time. So at shifting gears
• 17:57
  Speaker 3: a little bit. So we're releasing this podcast on Wednesday,
• 18:00
  Speaker 3: the 30th, September 30th. So if you're hearing this on
• 18:03
  Speaker 3: the day of its release tonight, we are going to
• 18:06
  Speaker 3: be in Justin.
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: Justin Coffee Co.
• 18:09
  Speaker 3: And Justin Coffee Co. doing our evening with long haul
• 18:12
  Speaker 3: marriage podcast. Where you can hear about Long Haul and, again,
• 18:19
  Speaker 3: some of the stuff we're talking about right now, but
• 18:20
  Speaker 3: what we do, the inspiration behind it, the passion behind it,
• 18:25
  Speaker 3: and then some of just more details about what it
• 18:29
  Speaker 3: is that we actually do in Long Haul. But also
• 18:33
  Speaker 3: a silent auction. So a lot of cool, cool prizes
• 18:37
  Speaker 3: that I got to, man, hats off to you. You
• 18:39
  Speaker 3: just reached out to a lot of people and we
• 18:41
  Speaker 3: have some good stuff that has been donated. So you
• 18:46
  Speaker 3: can come and bid on those things. And if you win,
• 18:48
  Speaker 3: you get to take home a really cool prize and
• 18:52
  Speaker 3: you will be helping another couple get help from Long
• 18:55
  Speaker 3: Haul Marriage.
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: Yes.
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: So we're excited about an evening for the Long Haul.
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: So if you're local and can come tonight at 630
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: at Justin Coffee, we'd love to see you there. Also,
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: we'll talk more about this later, but our October workshop is, again,
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: at Justin Coffee on October 21st. That's a Wednesday evening
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: at 630. Wednesday evening just so far has been like historically...
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: A better evening to meet for, like, when we look
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: back at numbers of workshops that we've done.
• 19:34
  Speaker 3: Who knew?
• 19:34
  Speaker 2: Wednesday evening's been a good night.
• 19:35
  Speaker 3: So, October 21st. By the way, Wednesday is the highest
• 19:37
  Speaker 3: traffic on our website.
• 19:40
  Speaker 1: Oh. Yeah.
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: People are like, hump day, hump day.
• 19:42
  Speaker 3: And don't you do, did you know Wednesday?
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 19:46
  Speaker 3: So, maybe that's it. You post a lot of stuff.
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: Maybe. Maybe.
• 19:50
  Speaker 3: But, hey, good job on, and thank you to everyone
• 19:53
  Speaker 3: who donated for our silent auction. So that's cool. But
• 19:58
  Speaker 3: there's some big news in the Hackney family as well.
• 20:02
  Speaker 2: Oh, yeah, we do have that.
• 20:03
  Speaker 3: Last but not least. Okay, go ahead and do yours.
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: And then that. Okay, first I was going to say,
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: So that's September, October, then November. The first weekend in November,
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: 6th through 8th, is our Evergreen Autumn. And I believe
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: we have two, maybe three tickets left. If you have
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: a buddy and you want to sleep in a queen
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: bed with her, then we've got three tickets available. If
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: you want that queen all by yourself, we only have
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: two tickets. So we are selling out pretty quick for
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: this one. But We'd love for you to join us
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: in Broken Bow, Oklahoma. Can you imagine how beautiful it's
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: going to be November.
• 20:40
  Speaker 2: 6th through 8th?
• 20:41
  Speaker 3: Man, it's going to be pretty. It'll only be 94
• 20:44
  Speaker 3: to 104.
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: Stop. Anyway, okay, you tell our great news.
• 20:48
  Speaker 3: Well, grandbaby number five was born on Saturday evening. Little
• 20:54
  Speaker 3: Haley Rose Hackney has been born. Birthed into our family. Yes.
• 21:01
  Speaker 3: So it's Charlotte Mae's little sister, Haley Rose, and Christian
• 21:05
  Speaker 3: and Emily. It's their second. It's our fifth grandbaby. Love it. And, man,
• 21:10
  Speaker 3: she is perfect.
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 21:13
  Speaker 3: So go look on social media, and I bet somebody's
• 21:16
  Speaker 3: posted a little something.
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: I got a lot of pics on there. Someone sweet
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: hey-hey to Monica. Monica commented and said, I don't think
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: baby girl knows this yet, but she just won the lottery.
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: And I thought, oh, that's so sweet. Thank you to Monica.
• 21:36
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 21:36
  Speaker 2: That was such a sweet thing to say.
• 21:39
  Speaker 3: I've been off social for a while.
• 21:42
  Speaker 2: TikTok counts as social. So take that back right now.
• 21:47
  Speaker 3: Go look at my screen time. Screen time. Hey, by
• 21:51
  Speaker 3: the way, speaking of screen time. I have not seen
• 21:55
  Speaker 3: any comments on our Apple, Spotify, YouTube, on our podcast.
• 21:59
  Speaker 3: I haven't seen any comments on how the challenges are going.
• 22:02
  Speaker 3: Have you guys been doing the challenges? We're giving you
• 22:05
  Speaker 3: a little weekly challenge on each one of these subjects.
• 22:08
  Speaker 2: And we'll have a challenge tonight, too.
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: Yep.
• 22:13
  Speaker 3: Okay, so tonight, are you ready to dive in?
• 22:16
  Speaker 2: I'm ready.
• 22:17
  Speaker 3: By the way, Haley Rose, do you want to tell
• 22:19
  Speaker 3: them how? height weight all that stuff.
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: Just well i don't even know the height i don't
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: know her length but she was seven pounds 12 ounces
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: so she was a biggin i mean you know not
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: as big as her daddy her daddy was nine four
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: but she was bigger than bigger than her big sister.
• 22:38
  Speaker 3: But man you're so just so thankful that we'd obviously
• 22:43
  Speaker 3: everybody knows we don't take that for granted at all.
• 22:45
  Speaker 3: The health of the baby and the mommy and all
• 22:47
  Speaker 3: that stuff. Nobody does, but it's just so great. We
• 22:51
  Speaker 3: couldn't be happier. And they went home today. So their
• 22:55
  Speaker 3: first night, uh, family of four driving home their SUV
• 22:59
  Speaker 3: and going to be starting that little 10 day fog period.
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 23:05
  Speaker 3: Um, Okay. So shifting gear, episode three, here we go.
• 23:09
  Speaker 3: We're going to have the sex conversation. Oh, here we go.
• 23:13
  Speaker 3: This would have been really good if we would have
• 23:15
  Speaker 3: prepared for this. So I know what you're going to say. Um,
• 23:19
  Speaker 3: so yeah, this is, this is one of the deals
• 23:22
  Speaker 3: that could become, I think a really good conversation, uh,
• 23:29
  Speaker 3: because couples need, they desperately need a place to talk
• 23:31
  Speaker 3: about this without shame or blame. Um, So this subject
• 23:36
  Speaker 3: can make even married people who love each other a.
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: Ton.
• 23:43
  Speaker 3: Sometimes the sex, the frequency, how much people feel desired,
• 23:53
  Speaker 3: how it used to be versus how it is now,
• 23:55
  Speaker 3: especially when you start having kids, it can make people
• 23:58
  Speaker 3: feel deeply rejected, frustrated, embarrassed, or completely just misunderstood.
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 24:06
  Speaker 3: And most couples don't know how to talk about it.
• 24:08
  Speaker 3: It's so funny that couples will come in and this
• 24:12
  Speaker 3: will come up and one will say something and I'll say,
• 24:16
  Speaker 3: have you ever told your spouse that? And so many
• 24:19
  Speaker 3: times they go, no. So one of the things, I
• 24:26
  Speaker 3: guess let's just start with the different levels of desire.
• 24:29
  Speaker 3: So many times, And Jamie, you need to jump in
• 24:33
  Speaker 3: because there's so many, you know, I've had this conversation
• 24:35
  Speaker 3: with so many couples. And so many times when you're
• 24:41
  Speaker 3: dating or when you're, you know, first married, it feels
• 24:46
  Speaker 3: like you're kind of on the same page as far
• 24:48
  Speaker 3: as the levels of desire in both of you. And
• 24:52
  Speaker 3: then for fairly quickly, a lot of times it feels
• 24:56
  Speaker 3: like And again, if you're an exception to this rule, great.
• 25:02
  Speaker 3: But many times it feels like because the man, you know,
• 25:07
  Speaker 3: men are wired differently. Women aren't blind, but they're not
• 25:11
  Speaker 3: as visually stimulated as men. They want things to be perfect.
• 25:15
  Speaker 3: And guys, the freight train can be running through the
• 25:18
  Speaker 3: room and we don't care. We block it out and compartmentalize.
• 25:21
  Speaker 3: But it feels like, you know, the man wants to
• 25:25
  Speaker 3: have sex more frequently than or their desire feels like
• 25:29
  Speaker 3: it's higher than the woman's desire. And then it can
• 25:36
  Speaker 3: leave you to start making up stories in your head.
• 25:38
  Speaker 3: And I talk about how I felt like I had to,
• 25:43
  Speaker 3: after a while, I felt like I was having to
• 25:45
  Speaker 3: initiate sex all the time. And then I'd play this game.
• 25:48
  Speaker 3: It's like, okay, you know what? I'm going to wait.
• 25:50
  Speaker 3: I'm going to see if she's going to initiate sex.
• 25:53
  Speaker 3: And if I thought you may be in the mood,
• 25:54
  Speaker 3: but then nothing happened, It's kind of like roll over
• 25:57
  Speaker 3: and kind of pout. And this was before I knew
• 26:01
  Speaker 3: that 90% of the time in most relationships, men have
• 26:05
  Speaker 3: to initiate sex. Now, that does not mean, and especially
• 26:11
  Speaker 3: for you young couples listening, it doesn't mean that women
• 26:14
  Speaker 3: don't get into it or wouldn't enjoy it, but they're
• 26:17
  Speaker 3: just not going to initiate it a lot of the times.
• 26:19
  Speaker 3: That doesn't mean they don't desire. But if you're not careful,
• 26:22
  Speaker 3: if you don't talk to your spouse about it, You
• 26:24
  Speaker 3: can start making up stories. Well, are you not attracted
• 26:28
  Speaker 3: to me anymore? Do you not want me? Do you
• 26:30
  Speaker 3: want someone else? Am I not doing it for you?
• 26:32
  Speaker 3: You know, whatever. So it's the different levels of desire.
• 26:36
  Speaker 3: But there's so many things that have to happen for
• 26:38
  Speaker 3: women to want to get in the mood or to
• 26:43
  Speaker 3: be in the mood to have sex, right?
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah. And I think I remember that feeling of you
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: just kind of being ready, like, anytime, anytime, anywhere. And
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: I felt guilty, like, okay, is there something wrong with me?
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: Am I broken?
• 27:03
  Speaker 2: And my mind would be so full of all the
• 27:08
  Speaker 2: details of whatever.
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: I got to get home to cook dinner or I've
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: got to, you know, the kids are in the next
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: room or, you know, a million different things that we're
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: going in that emotional load. Like we've talked about that
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: mental load that, that women carry.
• 27:23
  Speaker 2: And I, It's crazy.
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: This isn't a one size fits all, but it is
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: a lot of the time where the women really have
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: to have like all of those tabs closed to be
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: able to be like, quote unquote, in the mood. And
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: the guys like, you know, just let's go anytime. But
• 27:44
  Speaker 1: I don't think I really understood that. So I felt like, man,
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: is something wrong with me?
• 27:50
  Speaker 2: Why am I not?
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: You know, just tracking with him every time he's in
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: the mood. And are other people like, are they like this?
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: You know, are there other women that are in the mood?
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: And it's just me.
• 28:01
  Speaker 3: And I think just hearing this statistic that people... Oh,
• 28:08
  Speaker 3: sorry about that.
• 28:09
  Speaker 2: That's okay.
• 28:09
  Speaker 3: That people, again, especially young couples who haven't heard this,
• 28:13
  Speaker 3: that 90% of the time men have to initiate sex.
• 28:17
  Speaker 3: And again, you may be thinking, well, that's not the
• 28:18
  Speaker 3: case in our relationship. Okay. I always tell the guys,
• 28:21
  Speaker 3: get down and just kiss the ground and thank God
• 28:23
  Speaker 3: if you're in one of those where the woman initiates
• 28:26
  Speaker 3: sex all the time. But there's the other part about what,
• 28:32
  Speaker 3: you know, sex, Jimmy, I mean, you say sex, doesn't
• 28:35
  Speaker 3: start in the bedroom, starts in the kitchen. And I
• 28:37
  Speaker 3: always thought, oh, wait, you throw them up on the
• 28:39
  Speaker 3: island and get after it, you know? And no, he
• 28:43
  Speaker 3: means she wants to know that you want her and
• 28:48
  Speaker 3: not it. Like you're engaged in helping, you know, around
• 28:52
  Speaker 3: the house and cooking the meal and you're engaged, you're
• 28:53
  Speaker 3: talking to her, you're listening to her. And women get
• 28:56
  Speaker 3: in touch with sex through emotion and men get in
• 28:59
  Speaker 3: touch with emotions through sex. So a lot of times,
• 29:04
  Speaker 3: You know, people joke about makeup sex, but literally we
• 29:07
  Speaker 3: could be in a fight and after making up, having
• 29:10
  Speaker 3: sex felt right. Like I wanted to have sex because.
• 29:13
  Speaker 2: It would make me feel close to you.
• 29:15
  Speaker 3: I felt close to you. And you're like, no, I
• 29:16
  Speaker 3: want to feel close before I have sex.
• 29:18
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: It goes back to like after a fight or an argument,
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: my heart feels closed and I need my heart to
• 29:26
  Speaker 1: feel open, to be open to you, you know. Yeah. Yeah.
• 29:31
  Speaker 3: A lot of times you talked about feeling, you know,
• 29:34
  Speaker 3: broken or something is something wrong with me. But the
• 29:37
  Speaker 3: bigger deal is you. having this thought and not sharing
• 29:42
  Speaker 3: that with me.
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 29:43
  Speaker 3: And me having the thoughts and not sharing them with you.
• 29:46
  Speaker 3: We just kind of roll over. And I just remember
• 29:48
  Speaker 3: rolling over night after night and just feeling frustrated or
• 29:52
  Speaker 3: feeling upset or sad or mad or like, and you
• 29:57
  Speaker 3: start making up stories like what's going on. And again,
• 29:59
  Speaker 3: that imagination, then you go sleep on that, and that's
• 30:02
  Speaker 3: not going to be good, right?
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: And I didn't want to bring it up because I thought,
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: maybe if I don't bring it up, he won't notice.
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: Or if I bring it up, I don't really have
• 30:14
  Speaker 1: an explanation. And so that's weird. I need to have
• 30:19
  Speaker 1: it figured out before I bring something up to you.
• 30:22
  Speaker 3: And we were never the couple. I cringe when I
• 30:25
  Speaker 3: hear the couples who's like, Dang it, you owe me.
• 30:28
  Speaker 3: They start using scripture, the body doesn't belong to you,
• 30:30
  Speaker 3: it belongs to me, and the man will use that,
• 30:32
  Speaker 3: and the conjugal rights or whatever. I never wanted to
• 30:38
  Speaker 3: feel like you owed me or were doing it out
• 30:40
  Speaker 3: of obligation. We never got into that you have a headache.
• 30:43
  Speaker 3: You never had to make something up or whatever. I
• 30:45
  Speaker 3: could just tell if you were in the mood or not.
• 30:47
  Speaker 3: But if you weren't, that's when I could get pouty.
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah.
• 30:52
  Speaker 3: And that was before we had a better understanding. And man,
• 30:55
  Speaker 3: it's just so cool when we started communicating about all
• 30:58
  Speaker 3: of that. That's where most of the angst came from.
• 31:01
  Speaker 3: It's just the imagination, all the stories you were telling yourself.
• 31:06
  Speaker 3: And so again, it all comes back to having really
• 31:11
  Speaker 3: just honest communication about that. And so many times now,
• 31:15
  Speaker 3: there'll be times where And again, it's different, different seasons
• 31:19
  Speaker 3: of life, but where libido will wane for men too.
• 31:23
  Speaker 3: You know, that whole men think about it every 15 minutes.
• 31:26
  Speaker 3: I just think that's just so ridiculous or whatever the
• 31:28
  Speaker 3: stat is. That's just not always the case. And when
• 31:33
  Speaker 3: libido wanes, sometimes I feel like just telling you, man,
• 31:36
  Speaker 3: I just don't, I'm just not interested at all. And
• 31:40
  Speaker 3: because for women that can be, are you interested in
• 31:43
  Speaker 3: someone else? Am I not attractive anymore? Do you desire
• 31:46
  Speaker 3: someone else? And all that. And I think me just
• 31:49
  Speaker 3: saying that, you know, I just it's not even with
• 31:52
  Speaker 3: us like we're off, like we don't feel emotionally connected.
• 31:54
  Speaker 3: It's just I'm just not interested.
• 31:56
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 31:57
  Speaker 3: You know, and that alone can relieve so much pressure.
• 32:00
  Speaker 3: I mean, right.
• 32:01
  Speaker 1: Yeah, because I think the times that you have said, man,
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: I'm just like I'm. I'm just not really like, you know,
• 32:12
  Speaker 1: I don't like that word. But when you say that,
• 32:16
  Speaker 1: then usually I'm like, ah, thank goodness because me either,
• 32:21
  Speaker 1: you know? And so it kind of relieves this pressure
• 32:25
  Speaker 1: of me feeling like, I hope Brian doesn't think that,
• 32:29
  Speaker 1: you know, I don't, because I can totally be in
• 32:33
  Speaker 1: love with you and totally desire you and think, man,
• 32:37
  Speaker 1: I am so attracted to you and I think you're
• 32:39
  Speaker 1: so handsome and just watching you do your thing, I'm
• 32:43
  Speaker 1: so attracted to you. But that doesn't always come out
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: in the way of wanting to have sex. And so
• 32:53
  Speaker 1: when you admit like, man, I just kind of haven't
• 32:56
  Speaker 1: really thought about it lately or haven't been in the mood,
• 32:58
  Speaker 1: I'm like, ooh, okay, me either, me too. So It's
• 33:03
  Speaker 1: we connect kind of with that. I do remember early
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: on your your love language is physical touch. And so
• 33:11
  Speaker 1: words of affirmation and words of affirmation.
• 33:13
  Speaker 3: And that's scoring higher, by the way, nowadays.
• 33:15
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 33:16
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 33:17
  Speaker 2: But maybe because maybe I'm giving you more physical touch.
• 33:21
  Speaker 2: I don't know.
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: But anyway, I do remember and you hear this with
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: with women a lot that they kind of are afraid
• 33:28
  Speaker 1: for like they they just want. their husband to just
• 33:32
  Speaker 1: hold their hand or rub their back or lean over and,
• 33:36
  Speaker 1: and kiss them on the forehead or, you know, whatever,
• 33:39
  Speaker 1: some kind of physical touch that, and, and they don't
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: have to think, ah, he just is doing that because
• 33:45
  Speaker 1: he's desiring sex after, like it doesn't have.
• 33:47
  Speaker 3: To give any physical affection because they think it's going
• 33:50
  Speaker 3: to lead to sex. And if guys would understand that again,
• 33:55
  Speaker 3: pawing around and groping it's like just just just let
• 33:59
  Speaker 3: them let them know that that no i again i
• 34:02
  Speaker 3: want you and not quote it yeah so many now
• 34:05
  Speaker 3: let's talk about in christianity a lot of times you
• 34:07
  Speaker 3: grew up in church it's like man you do not
• 34:10
  Speaker 3: have premarital sex and you know god designed it for
• 34:13
  Speaker 3: marriage only and then all of a sudden basically one
• 34:17
  Speaker 3: day if you if you saved yourself for marriage and
• 34:20
  Speaker 3: maybe you re-upped on that commitment after blowing it or
• 34:23
  Speaker 3: whatever uh But now, so it's this thing that was
• 34:28
  Speaker 3: not legal, and now all of a sudden it's legal
• 34:30
  Speaker 3: as far as morality. It's like now it's okay. So
• 34:35
  Speaker 3: many Christian, and I hear statistically women, it's just hard
• 34:39
  Speaker 3: for them to make that mental shift. And sometimes they
• 34:42
  Speaker 3: feel like they've still got this negative association with with it.
• 34:45
  Speaker 2: That's very true.
• 34:46
  Speaker 3: And it's like, man, God created this. If you believe
• 34:49
  Speaker 3: that God created you, he created the orgasm. He created
• 34:53
  Speaker 3: all the things that make you, that give you pleasure
• 34:56
  Speaker 3: during sex. It's not just for procreation. Obviously the drive
• 35:00
  Speaker 3: is there and we can see the, the wisdom behind
• 35:03
  Speaker 3: that as far as, you know, being fruitful and multiplying
• 35:06
  Speaker 3: and filling the earth.
• 35:07
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 35:08
  Speaker 3: But also there's pleasure in it. Um, and, and, that
• 35:14
  Speaker 3: that's not something to be ashamed of, right? But even
• 35:20
  Speaker 3: like getting past, again, the shame or the fear that
• 35:24
  Speaker 3: you're going to hurt your spouse's feelings, like I've got
• 35:27
  Speaker 3: to just do something that maybe they like and it
• 35:30
  Speaker 3: doesn't really turn me on. And again, if you're in
• 35:34
  Speaker 3: that mode where you think, well, dang it, I deserve
• 35:37
  Speaker 3: this or you're my wife, even though it's morally right,
• 35:42
  Speaker 3: right and God's design. I never wanted to feel like
• 35:47
  Speaker 3: you're doing something out of duty or obligation. I want
• 35:51
  Speaker 3: to know you desired me and not just giving in
• 35:54
  Speaker 3: to something. I didn't want to feel like I was,
• 35:55
  Speaker 3: you are not an object to consume. And so, so
• 35:59
  Speaker 3: many times we are selfish and like, I want to get, right?
• 36:03
  Speaker 3: And instead of thinking, I want to give, I want
• 36:07
  Speaker 3: to make my partner you know, we talk about make love.
• 36:11
  Speaker 3: I want to let them know I love them and
• 36:13
  Speaker 3: I want to pleasure them in sex. And so many times, uh,
• 36:19
  Speaker 3: we want it to be this fireworks and spontaneous. It's
• 36:23
  Speaker 3: not always spontaneous. And you may think, well, that's, I'm
• 36:25
  Speaker 3: going to save it for that. But again, especially when
• 36:27
  Speaker 3: you start having kids, sometimes you have to plan it.
• 36:30
  Speaker 3: And I remember the first time I heard that and
• 36:31
  Speaker 3: people got to, I, the first couple I heard talking
• 36:34
  Speaker 3: about that, they were very, uh, rigid, I guess, with
• 36:39
  Speaker 3: their planning, like every Thursday night or every three days,
• 36:41
  Speaker 3: if it's gone 72 hours, it's not really that for us.
• 36:44
  Speaker 3: But a lot of times, just think about it. There
• 36:47
  Speaker 3: are some mechanics that if you put yourself in that
• 36:49
  Speaker 3: situation and start kind of, you know, hey, we're going
• 36:52
  Speaker 3: to fool around or maybe we're going to talk, maybe
• 36:54
  Speaker 3: we're going to rub each other's backs for a while
• 36:56
  Speaker 3: or whatever it is that it's like, I'm going to
• 37:00
  Speaker 3: start showing you some affection and I'm going to start
• 37:02
  Speaker 3: getting close to you and getting in that close proximity
• 37:04
  Speaker 3: and man, see what happens. But I mean, if you
• 37:06
  Speaker 3: don't put yourself in that situation, you can guarantee nothing's
• 37:09
  Speaker 3: going to happen. Right.
• 37:11
  Speaker 1: And I think when you are, like you said, you know,
• 37:14
  Speaker 1: sex starts in the kitchen or whatever, when you are
• 37:17
  Speaker 1: closer emotionally to each other, it's not, it's almost like
• 37:21
  Speaker 1: when people say they're scared to go on a date
• 37:24
  Speaker 1: night because they haven't talked for weeks on end. And
• 37:27
  Speaker 1: so they're going to go on this date night and
• 37:29
  Speaker 1: be like, what? Now we're trying to just sit across
• 37:33
  Speaker 1: the table from each other at Cactus Canyon and start
• 37:35
  Speaker 1: this conversation. I don't even know what I'm going to talk.
• 37:38
  Speaker 1: Like the intimacy is, is not really there. You're so
• 37:42
  Speaker 1: far away and you have to start somewhere. But I
• 37:44
  Speaker 1: think it's the same thing with, with sex. When you
• 37:46
  Speaker 1: can feel like you are spreading that intimacy and we
• 37:53
  Speaker 1: think of intimacy as, as sex, and that's what we're
• 37:56
  Speaker 1: talking about tonight. But when you are intimate and every area,
• 37:59
  Speaker 1: when you are, you know, intimate emotionally with each other,
• 38:03
  Speaker 1: when you are talking about, you know, tender things and
• 38:06
  Speaker 1: you're sharing your heart with each other, that's going to
• 38:10
  Speaker 1: lead to, I think, to better sex because it's not
• 38:14
  Speaker 1: such a far leap from, wait, who are you? I
• 38:18
  Speaker 1: haven't talked to you other than who's going to take who, where,
• 38:22
  Speaker 1: and what's our schedule and what are we doing and
• 38:25
  Speaker 1: who's going to buy cleats, you know, whatever you're, just
• 38:28
  Speaker 1: talking like your roommates or business partners or, or you're
• 38:33
  Speaker 1: just parents, you know, you're, you're, you've forgotten that you're lovers.
• 38:38
  Speaker 1: And so when you can have those playful moments during
• 38:41
  Speaker 1: the day or kind of just be intimate all during
• 38:44
  Speaker 1: the day, I guarantee you that's going to lead to,
• 38:48
  Speaker 1: you know, better sex in the bedroom.
• 38:53
  Speaker 3: A lot of, I talked before about when you've been
• 38:56
  Speaker 3: a Christian and it was this moral thing and you
• 39:00
  Speaker 3: had a boundary and then all of a sudden you're
• 39:04
  Speaker 3: married and now, you know, all bets are off and
• 39:07
  Speaker 3: it's all okay. Many times when you've got, so if
• 39:16
  Speaker 3: you were raised in the church and you're a Christian,
• 39:19
  Speaker 3: you're Maybe your parents didn't talk to you about that.
• 39:22
  Speaker 3: We joke about how parents didn't talk to their kids.
• 39:26
  Speaker 3: You know, we, the old birds and the bees talk, right.
• 39:29
  Speaker 3: And many times they just, they avoid it at all costs.
• 39:32
  Speaker 3: They're so afraid of you being sexually active before marriage
• 39:35
  Speaker 3: or we're getting pregnant or, or whatever. And so you
• 39:38
  Speaker 3: just avoid it.
• 39:39
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 39:40
  Speaker 3: That was the best way for in their minds for,
• 39:43
  Speaker 3: for abstinence is just, man, let's just don't talk about it.
• 39:45
  Speaker 1: My parents left a book on my pillow.
• 39:47
  Speaker 3: They'll leave in the book on the pillow. Uh, but
• 39:51
  Speaker 3: so there's no education around it. So you've got all
• 39:54
  Speaker 3: of these. So where are you going to learn about it?
• 39:56
  Speaker 3: You've got all these misconceptions about sex. And so you're
• 39:58
  Speaker 3: going to, it's the locker room or, you know, your
• 40:01
  Speaker 3: idiots sharing their experiences or, or we used to say the,
• 40:05
  Speaker 3: you know, Hollywood, the movies, but now, you know, just
• 40:09
  Speaker 3: any name, your streaming service, and it's all MA that's
• 40:13
  Speaker 3: the rating, you know, and so you're going to have
• 40:15
  Speaker 3: all this stuff now is as much as a lot of,
• 40:19
  Speaker 3: TV shows and movies and stuff are trying to show more,
• 40:23
  Speaker 3: let's like connect and be relevant and be more real.
• 40:27
  Speaker 3: They're never going to show, I mean, very few would
• 40:30
  Speaker 3: show like a bad sexual experience, like what I would say,
• 40:34
  Speaker 3: maybe a more normal. It's going to be this just
• 40:38
  Speaker 3: unbelievably erotic and ecstasy experience. And a lot of times
• 40:42
  Speaker 3: then you're comparing yourself to that and you're comparing your
• 40:46
  Speaker 3: spouse to that, yourself to that. And so there's a
• 40:49
  Speaker 3: lot of, feelings of inadequacy or fear of not being
• 40:54
  Speaker 3: able to pleasure your partner. And then again, are you
• 40:59
  Speaker 3: going to talk about that? The last thing, especially men
• 41:02
  Speaker 3: are going to want to talk about that or the
• 41:06
  Speaker 3: last place is with their spouse. And performing, anxiety, blah, blah, blah.
• 41:12
  Speaker 3: But the best thing you can do is talk about that.
• 41:14
  Speaker 3: Because many times if you're watching movies, You think, okay,
• 41:18
  Speaker 3: this is what I need to do. This is what
• 41:20
  Speaker 3: women like. And again, I always say, don't become an
• 41:22
  Speaker 3: expert on women. Become an expert on your spouse. Maybe
• 41:25
  Speaker 3: she's an outlier. Maybe she's different. Maybe she doesn't like
• 41:28
  Speaker 3: what the woman in the movie likes or whatever. And
• 41:31
  Speaker 3: so what makes you, what turns you on? What do
• 41:36
  Speaker 3: you like? And so many couples never talk about that.
• 41:39
  Speaker 3: And you want to obviously be so in tune and
• 41:43
  Speaker 3: be intimate and figure it out. One of the things
• 41:46
  Speaker 3: that would have been helpful to know, and again, you
• 41:48
  Speaker 3: check me out. I don't know what this statistic is,
• 41:50
  Speaker 3: but supposedly a very high number of women don't have
• 41:54
  Speaker 3: an orgasm with sexual intercourse, with penetration, vaginal intercourse. Sorry, kids.
• 42:01
  Speaker 3: Hopefully you're out of the room on this one, married couples.
• 42:05
  Speaker 3: But it's like, so if that's the truth, men do, right?
• 42:11
  Speaker 3: But if women don't, then you got to figure that out.
• 42:14
  Speaker 3: And if you never talk about it, how are you
• 42:15
  Speaker 3: going to figure it out? So you really, I think
• 42:18
  Speaker 3: the best thing we ever did was just get very
• 42:21
  Speaker 3: honest and open. And again, that fully known, fully loved,
• 42:25
  Speaker 3: sharing any kind of anxieties or fears you may have
• 42:28
  Speaker 3: or inadequacies, that's when you can really start to feel
• 42:31
  Speaker 3: very close to your spouse. And man, I think that
• 42:35
  Speaker 3: really leapfrogged us into a better place with that.
• 42:39
  Speaker 1: And the same thing that we say about this conversation
• 42:43
  Speaker 1: with sex, we say about really every single thing that
• 42:47
  Speaker 1: may be a block for intimacy with you both is
• 42:51
  Speaker 1: when you can just learn to just go for it
• 42:55
  Speaker 1: and begin to communicate. I mean, it seems painful. It
• 42:59
  Speaker 1: seems like cringy, like, ugh, what are we going to...
• 43:02
  Speaker 1: But if you can communicate about it, really about anything,
• 43:08
  Speaker 1: it's just.
• 43:09
  Speaker 2: It will change everything.
• 43:13
  Speaker 3: So a challenge for this week is to have both spouses,
• 43:18
  Speaker 3: just sit down with your spouse and ask these two questions.
• 43:23
  Speaker 3: One is, what makes me feel desired? What makes me
• 43:27
  Speaker 3: feel desired? And what makes physical intimacy difficult for me?
• 43:34
  Speaker 3: And again, just answer those two questions. Sit down and
• 43:37
  Speaker 3: think about it. Be honest and be able to share
• 43:39
  Speaker 3: with your spouse. And if you guys can sit down, again,
• 43:43
  Speaker 3: no phone zone, and connect and be honest about those questions,
• 43:47
  Speaker 3: just see what can happen with your sexual intimacy.
• 43:51
  Speaker 2: Say them one more time.
• 43:52
  Speaker 3: So what makes me feel desired?
• 43:54
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 43:55
  Speaker 3: You answer that. What makes me feel desired by you? Okay.
• 44:00
  Speaker 3: And then what makes physical intimacy difficult for me? Okay.
• 44:06
  Speaker 2: Good.
• 44:06
  Speaker 3: And that's going to be different for everybody, right? And
• 44:11
  Speaker 3: no criticism in that. No score keeping. No judgment. No defensiveness.
• 44:16
  Speaker 3: Just kind of just be open and listen.
• 44:18
  Speaker 1: That's good.
• 44:19
  Speaker 3: You're becoming an expert on your partner.
• 44:21
  Speaker 2: Mm-hmm.
• 44:22
  Speaker 3: So, and for us, here's the cool thing. Obviously, intimacy.
• 44:27
  Speaker 3: Some people say, when you say that word, they think sex.
• 44:30
  Speaker 1: Mm-hmm.
• 44:30
  Speaker 3: You can have intimacy in your marriage with no sex. Mm-hmm.
• 44:34
  Speaker 3: And you can have sex, obviously, with no intimacy. That's true.
• 44:37
  Speaker 3: So we want both.
• 44:38
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 44:39
  Speaker 3: Because that's available.
• 44:40
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 44:41
  Speaker 3: So sex isn't the whole marriage, but ignoring the sexual
• 44:44
  Speaker 3: relationship can become a huge problem inside the marriage. And
• 44:49
  Speaker 3: it has for many people. And if it goes ignored,
• 44:52
  Speaker 3: then all those needs, they're going underground, man. And needs
• 44:56
  Speaker 3: have a way to become indiscriminate. In other words, they
• 44:59
  Speaker 3: don't discriminate. They just want to be met. Now in marriage,
• 45:02
  Speaker 3: obviously we have to discriminate. We have to say they're
• 45:05
  Speaker 3: going to be met within the bounds of my marriage.
• 45:07
  Speaker 3: My spouse is going to meet those needs. And obviously, man,
• 45:11
  Speaker 3: there's some things, there's a lot of complexity to this.
• 45:15
  Speaker 3: There's some things that with some illnesses and some pain
• 45:19
  Speaker 3: and just certain things that go on that make it very,
• 45:22
  Speaker 3: very difficult. And that's, again, all the more reason why
• 45:26
  Speaker 3: it has to be an open book. We have to
• 45:28
  Speaker 3: communicate with our spouse about this. That's your challenge for
• 45:32
  Speaker 3: this week. Let us know how you did.
• 45:34
  Speaker 2: Have great conversations, and we'd love to hear how it goes.
• 45:37
  Speaker 1: Yeah. All right.
• 45:39
  Speaker 3: So let's go have some sex. Wait a minute. Let's see.
• 45:44
  Speaker 1: Wow.
• 45:45
  Speaker 3: What? That was funny. Let's see, Jamie. Yeah, that was funny.
• 45:51
  Speaker 3: I'm trying to think about our sign-off. I didn't have
• 45:54
  Speaker 3: one loaded. Did you have one? So... There's a really
• 46:01
  Speaker 3: important part of a woman's anatomy... And it starts with
• 46:06
  Speaker 3: a see ya.
• 46:10
  Speaker 2: That's cool.