Latest / Breaking Absurdity — Today's Top Headlines That Can't Be Unheard. Brought to you by @ItsNotSatire. / Trump Foreshadows His Own Impeachment as Natalie Harp Sprints After His Golf Cart | Breaking Absurdity Ep. 30

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Trump Foreshadows His Own Impeachment as Natalie Harp Sprints After His Golf Cart | Breaking Absurdity Ep. 30 · Breaking Absurdity — Today's Top Headlines That Can't Be Unheard. Brought to you by @ItsNotSatire.

• 0:00
  Letters addressed to Trump from assistant Natalie
• 0:02
  Harp said he has the right to cuss her out when
• 0:04
  she deserves it, just before a photo of Harp
• 0:07
  running after Trump's golf cart was released.
• 0:09
  Meanwhile, Trump is openly musing about tapping
• 0:12
  Natalie to serve as White House press secretary.
• 0:15
  It sounds like Natalie just discovered a great
• 0:16
  promotion strategy. Give Trump permission to
• 0:19
  do what he loves most. Play golf and curse out
• 0:22
  his staff. Melania watch update. After near record
• 0:25
  30 day absence, Melania has been spotted. with
• 0:28
  her hands firmly being clutched and paraded around
• 0:31
  by the president in a new proof of wife exercise,
• 0:35
  stating simply, here I am. Trump says Melania
• 0:38
  absolutely hates it when he dances to the gay
• 0:40
  national anthem. This could be signaling that
• 0:43
  Melania is about to go missing again. Melania
• 0:46
  Watch may go back into effect later today. Outgoing
• 0:49
  press secretary Caroline Levitt confirms Trump
• 0:51
  can be reached any time of day, including 3am,
• 0:55
  supporting her statement that he is the most
• 0:57
  consequential and greatest president in history.
• 1:00
  And just before that, Trump announced at a rally
• 1:02
  today that he will probably be impeached. but
• 1:05
  he doesn't know what for. So naturally, the comment
• 1:08
  section is now open for my listeners to suggest
• 1:10
  some possible articles of impeachment. And finally,
• 1:14
  JD Vance was memorably caught on camera asking
• 1:17
  a young crowd member, when do you turn 18? Stay
• 1:20
  to the end for the full breakdown. It's time
• 1:24
  for Breaking Absurdity. Everything you didn't
• 1:27
  know you needed to know today, but wish you hadn't.
• 1:30
  Ads help keep the lights on here at It's Not
• 1:32
  Satire. But if ads give you the ick, let me help
• 1:35
  you with that. If you want all the absurdity
• 1:37
  without the ads, subscribe to my sub stack and
• 1:39
  look for the ad free podcast option. The link
• 1:41
  is in the show notes. Now let's get into the
• 1:44
  absurdity. Did you think the Natalie Harp story
• 1:48
  already reached peak weirdness? Not even close.
• 1:52
  The Daily Beast just published two letters Harp
• 1:54
  wrote to Trump, and there are many concerning
• 1:56
  statements in there. One stands out. Harp told
• 1:59
  Trump that he has the absolute right to cuss
• 2:02
  her out when she deserves it. We know the White
• 2:05
  House doesn't have HR, so the performance reviews
• 2:07
  there seem to be a bit unconventional. Natalie
• 2:10
  Harp has taken it to the extreme and apparently
• 2:12
  prefers the President of the United States yelling
• 2:14
  at her. To escalate matters further, a photograph
• 2:18
  surfaced of Harp sprinting at full pace across
• 2:20
  Trump's golf course in Scotland to keep up with
• 2:23
  him. Harp has a big smile planted on her face.
• 2:26
  A work of fiction couldn't have written a more
• 2:28
  absurd story. Harp appears to be inching forward
• 2:31
  on her promotion strategy, given Trump is openly
• 2:34
  floating the possibility of making Natalie Harp
• 2:36
  the next White House press secretary. Makes sense.
• 2:40
  The woman whose job has been mainly printing
• 2:42
  hard copies, filtering information around him,
• 2:45
  and attaching herself to Trump like Velcro could
• 2:48
  potentially become the person standing in front
• 2:50
  of the White House press corps every day. Natalie
• 2:53
  has tapped into the ultimate career advancement
• 2:56
  strategy. Give Trump permission to do what he
• 2:58
  loves most. Play golf and curse at his staff.
• 3:02
  We assume when she achieves her goal, she'll
• 3:04
  post a full 10 point plan on LinkedIn on how
• 3:07
  to achieve rapid career advancement. in the most
• 3:10
  unconventional way possible. The letters do a
• 3:13
  lot of speaking for themselves. They paint an
• 3:15
  extraordinarily personal picture of Harp's relationship
• 3:18
  with Trump. She proactively apologizes for her
• 3:21
  perceived failures, worries about disappointing
• 3:23
  him, and expresses her devotion for him in language
• 3:26
  that sounds more like prayers to a deity than
• 3:29
  a typical work relationship, much less an assistant
• 3:32
  to a president. Maggie Haberman claims the Secret
• 3:35
  Service was alarmed by the letters. Which brings
• 3:38
  up the question everyone keeps asking. Why exactly
• 3:41
  is this woman so close to the President of the
• 3:43
  United States? And we may be one press secretary
• 3:46
  appointment from finding out. The Harp story
• 3:49
  is taking on a strange shape. No surprise it
• 3:52
  has become a political Rorschach test. And Obama
• 3:55
  advisor David Axelrod criticized John Ossoff's
• 3:58
  two words. with Natalie, for bringing her up
• 4:01
  at his rally, saying he was gratuitous and unnecessary.
• 4:04
  His old school democratic instinct is, don't
• 4:07
  get in the mud. Instead, talk about the economy,
• 4:10
  healthcare, inflation, but don't make the campaign
• 4:13
  about personal stuff. Meanwhile, Scott Jennings
• 4:16
  decided to lose his mind over Ossoff's comments,
• 4:19
  calling them despicable, accusing him of sexism
• 4:22
  and misogyny. through the mud insinuating that
• 4:29
  the only possible reason she could have a job
• 4:32
  in politics is Because she's a concubine for
• 4:35
  a politician. It's disgusting He went on MS now
• 4:37
  and got asked about it and he wouldn't defend
• 4:39
  it. He wouldn't defend it He was a coward for
• 4:43
  not defending it. He's willing to do it in a
• 4:45
  in a scripted rally But he's not willing to defend
• 4:48
  it after the fact. And accusing him of insinuating
• 4:50
  an inappropriate relationship between Trump and
• 4:53
  his assistant. Looking back, Ossoff's comments
• 4:56
  were two words, with Natalie. That's it. Two
• 4:59
  words. And Jennings, along with the White House,
• 5:02
  managed to turn two words into an insinuation
• 5:04
  by talking about it so much and melting down
• 5:07
  over the past week. So we'd suggest to Scott
• 5:09
  Jennings to slow your roll with the fake outrage
• 5:12
  today, sir. Enough about Natalie, it's time for
• 5:15
  an update on the other women in Trump's life,
• 5:18
  Melania Trump. Melania Watch was at day 30 during
• 5:22
  our last bulletin, but after a near record -breaking
• 5:25
  absence from public life, Melania Trump finally
• 5:28
  cropped up again. And Donald Trump made sure
• 5:30
  everyone noticed, as they emerged today clutching
• 5:33
  her hand tightly and holding it up in the air
• 5:35
  like a victorious boxer. Look at this. We're
• 5:50
  not sure if this is technically holding hands
• 5:52
  or a man making sure the cameras have photographic
• 5:55
  evidence that he has a wife Some say this was
• 5:58
  proof of life, but we like to say proof of wife
• 6:01
  because why not? Melania fought off the urge
• 6:04
  to let go as quickly as possible and then Melania
• 6:07
  must have heard about Melania watch sensing the
• 6:10
  concern and address the situation herself She
• 6:13
  literally said I heard you missed me here. I
• 6:16
  am good afternoon I heard you missed me. Here
• 6:22
  I am. This quote is very her. No elaborate explanation
• 6:26
  or apology, context or details, just here I am.
• 6:30
  And for a moment today, she went back to being
• 6:32
  Melania. We've temporarily suspended Melania
• 6:35
  Watch, but don't get too comfortable because
• 6:38
  Trump has revealed that Melania absolutely hates
• 6:40
  something he does. His dancing. You know which
• 6:44
  dance. It's his dancing to what he calls the
• 6:47
  Gay National Anthem. You know the one. YMCA.
• 7:12
  I'll take it. We're gonna take it. We got the
• 7:15
  highest of everything. Melania doesn't think
• 7:17
  it's presidential, which makes sense, but Trump
• 7:19
  attributes this dance to his success at the gay
• 7:22
  community's vote. He says he's gotten the highest
• 7:25
  percentage of the gay vote in Republican history.
• 7:28
  If Trump wanted to keep Melania around, we suggest
• 7:31
  he'd take a beat on the YMCA dance today, as
• 7:33
  we're not sure if Melania will be back tomorrow
• 7:36
  after that rendition. Speaking of indispensable
• 7:39
  staffers, Caroline Lovett is getting quite the
• 7:42
  farewell tour with her boss, although Trump recently
• 7:45
  admitted he's angry with Caroline. Why? Because
• 7:48
  she loves her new baby more than she loves him.
• 7:51
  Again, in the absence of an HR department, Trump
• 7:54
  likes to improvise on how he handles maternity
• 7:56
  leave, expressing jealousy of a staffer's new
• 7:59
  baby. If that's your boss, maybe Caroline having
• 8:02
  a baby was a useful way she could get some leverage
• 8:04
  over Trump. Jokes aside, Levitt was very clear
• 8:08
  about how much she loves working for her boss,
• 8:10
  and she described Trump as the most consequential
• 8:12
  and greatest president in history. And she added
• 8:15
  that you can call him literally anytime. Call
• 8:18
  this man at six in the morning. You call him
• 8:21
  at three in the morning. He picks up the phone
• 8:23
  because he's looking out for you. And he needs
• 8:25
  your help with the Republican Congress for the
• 8:28
  next two years so he can make our country greater
• 8:30
  and stronger and wealthier than ever before.
• 8:33
  So get out and vote. Thank you. Trump did admit
• 8:38
  he's going to miss Caroline and apparently miss
• 8:40
  standing next to her. I'm going to miss her.
• 8:43
  Let me have that. Let me have that. So here are
• 8:45
  some headlines in Caroline. I've got to stand
• 8:48
  next to her. I feel so good with her. Which leaves
• 8:51
  us with a huge workplace succession question.
• 8:54
  Trump needs a new press secretary. He has already
• 8:57
  floated Natalie Harp's name. And apparently Scott
• 8:59
  Jennings, who has attacked the remarks about
• 9:01
  Natalie Harp, is in the running too. Maybe Scott
• 9:04
  thinks defending Trump's favorite assistant will
• 9:07
  be key to getting the role. Donald Trump just
• 9:10
  looked into his crystal ball and made an eerie
• 9:12
  prediction about his own presidency. He predicts
• 9:15
  that he will probably be impeached. Well, I don't
• 9:40
  know I don't know Although that crystal ball
• 9:44
  only gets him so far as he has absolutely no
• 9:47
  idea why Which is actually quite helpful of him
• 9:50
  Normally when the president gets impeached the
• 9:52
  public has to spend months waiting to learn what
• 9:55
  the alleged offense might be Thankfully Trump
• 9:58
  just saved us a trouble. He's already announced
• 10:00
  the impeachment We're just waiting for someone
• 10:02
  to fill in the charges So naturally the comment
• 10:05
  section is now accepting applications for possible
• 10:08
  articles of impeachment. Please assist the president
• 10:11
  While you go ahead and make those comments, we'll
• 10:13
  play Trump's big rally finisher, the YMCA dance.
• 10:17
  And because Melania hates it when he does this,
• 10:19
  my own crystal ball is predicting Melania watch
• 10:22
  may be kicking off sooner than anticipated. It's
• 10:34
  been a while since JD has entered the group chat,
• 10:37
  but this time no one replied and left him hanging
• 10:40
  there, as Vance was speaking to a young crowd
• 10:43
  when he asked one youngster, when do you turn
• 10:45
  18? Context matters here, and there's got to
• 10:53
  be a perfectly innocent explanation for the question,
• 10:56
  but there is something about hearing the VP of
• 10:58
  the United States ask a young person that makes
• 11:01
  the internet sit up straight. and brace themselves
• 11:04
  for a reaction. Now that clip is out in the ether,
• 11:07
  there's no way it's ever going to sound normal.
• 11:10
  Sorry, not sorry. Congrats to JD on yet another
• 11:13
  memeable moment. Another one to add to the huge
• 11:16
  back catalog. And finally, we're going down under,
• 11:20
  because I can't make many episodes without finding
• 11:22
  truly absurd stories from our Aussie friends.
• 11:25
  Turns out their politics are about as weird as
• 11:27
  ours. So I'm thinking about making this a recurring
• 11:30
  segment. Let me know what you think in the comments.
• 11:32
  This time, it's Kohl's. That's Kohl's with a
• 11:36
  C. It's Australia's giant grocery chain, which
• 11:39
  is under scrutiny over data collection, surveillance,
• 11:42
  and pricing. Guess who Aussie Kohl's is partnering
• 11:45
  with? Palantir. That's right, the same company
• 11:48
  whose co -founder molded JD Vance into the man
• 11:52
  he is today. Palantir is better known for its
• 11:55
  government, intelligence, defense, and enforcement
• 11:57
  contracts. Kohl's says that the system isn't
• 12:00
  being used for customer surveillance, but activist
• 12:03
  group Get Up has launched a campaign against
• 12:06
  the partnership, including digital billboards
• 12:08
  placed near Kohl's stores. The message? Here
• 12:11
  at Kohl's, we're always watching you. The campaign
• 12:14
  went viral quickly, and the ads had to be pulled
• 12:17
  down only after two days. GetUp says their campaign
• 12:20
  has been viewed by millions online. Kohl's argues
• 12:23
  that Palantir tech is being used only for internal
• 12:26
  business operations, not for spying on customers.
• 12:29
  So we've got two sides. Big groceries and big
• 12:32
  data on one side optimizing the supermarket,
• 12:35
  and on the other side, activists who say Kohl's
• 12:38
  has brought military grade data tech. inside
• 12:41
  the supermarket. Meanwhile, shoppers in Sydney
• 12:44
  are trying to decide whether to spring for the
• 12:46
  $11 or $16 eggs. Thanks Kohl's for turning buying
• 12:51
  groceries into a geopolitical risk assessment.
• 12:54
  And there you have it, another day of breaking
• 12:56
  absurdity, your daily reminder that this is not
• 12:59
  normal. Be sure to like and subscribe to help
• 13:02
  me keep bringing you more daily absurdity. And
• 13:05
  if ads aren't your thing, then remember to check
• 13:07
  out the ad free version of this podcast on my
• 13:09
  sub stack. Just click on the link in the show
• 13:11
  notes and look for the ad free podcast and the
• 13:14
  subscription options.