Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 125. When You Realise He’s Not the One—But You’re Already Married🫤😢

Transcript

125. When You Realise He’s Not the One—But You’re Already Married🫤😢 · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

0:05
Speaker 1: Apoge Production. I need your advice. Are you okay?
0:12
Speaker 2: What happened?
0:14
Speaker 1: Promise it won't be too much. Bring it in. Welcome
0:18
Speaker 1: to our Bestie Segment, Girl, this is the place for you.
0:26
Speaker 3: Welcome back to another Besties Segment episode.
0:29
Speaker 1: I'm Tiana and I'm Ashley. Thanks for joining us.
0:32
Speaker 3: And my goodness, do we have a sticky situation today?
0:35
Speaker 1: What's the title of this one?
0:36
Speaker 3: The title of this one is when you realize he's
0:38
Speaker 3: not the one but you're already married. Oh ok, let's
0:42
Speaker 3: get into it. What have you got for us?
0:43
Speaker 1: Ashy?
0:44
Speaker 2: I met my husband at nineteen, I'm now thirty one,
0:47
Speaker 2: married for a few years, and have a child with
0:49
Speaker 2: him too. Now they're older and more wise, I wish
0:52
Speaker 2: I'd realized he is not the one for me. He
0:55
Speaker 2: is stingy, not good in bed, he lacks social skills,
0:59
Speaker 2: he's not funny, and barely has any deep conversations with
1:01
Speaker 2: me about our relationship, our child, our child's future, etc.
1:05
Speaker 2: And I am stuck in this. I know he loves
1:08
Speaker 2: me and he is a good person, but not someone
1:10
Speaker 2: I wanted or saw myself being with with my children
1:13
Speaker 2: as a father, I can't leave because I'm financially dependent
1:15
Speaker 2: on him, and if I leave, it's against my culture,
1:17
Speaker 2: and my family definitely won't be supportive of my decision.
1:20
Speaker 2: They think he's God's send and that I'm extremely happy
1:23
Speaker 2: in my life when I'm not. I've had deep conversations
1:26
Speaker 2: with him and he says he will change. He does
1:28
Speaker 2: it for once. Two weeks and we are back to
1:29
Speaker 2: square one. I have tried to send him to therapy
1:32
Speaker 2: to do marriage counseling, but he acts different and never changes.
1:35
Speaker 2: He's not abusive or anything of that sort, but I
1:38
Speaker 2: just know he is not the one for me. Our
1:40
Speaker 2: child loves him so much, and the thought of leaving
1:43
Speaker 2: him and my child not having him around all the
1:44
Speaker 2: time makes me so upset and makes me feel selfish
1:48
Speaker 2: to take that away from my son. I pretend to
1:50
Speaker 2: be happy, but when I see others and the relationship
1:52
Speaker 2: they have, I know I've ruined my life by marrying him.
1:55
Speaker 2: I was young and insecure, and coming from a strict home.
1:58
Speaker 2: I wanted to be out because of my religion and culture.
2:00
Speaker 2: I decided to marry him and just live life. He
2:02
Speaker 2: has no goals, he doesn't want to grow to have
2:05
Speaker 2: any plans, and just work to provide and that's it.
2:08
Speaker 2: Am I the problem here? Please keep this private.
2:10
Speaker 3: Oh, I don't think that you're the problem, babe.
2:14
Speaker 1: The relationship is just not it for both of you.
2:16
Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, you're definitely not the problem. And I can
2:19
Speaker 3: see why you might go to that place in your
2:21
Speaker 3: mind of thinking that you are the problem, because it
2:23
Speaker 3: sounds like you're internalizing all of the things that you're
2:26
Speaker 3: thinking and feeling because you don't have a support system
2:28
Speaker 3: around you. But if you had people around you who
2:32
Speaker 3: cared about what you wanted and what was right for
2:34
Speaker 3: you and genuinely wanted to see you happy, they would
2:37
Speaker 3: tell you what we're about to tell you, which is
2:39
Speaker 3: this relationship is not for you, and you're allowed to
2:42
Speaker 3: leave if your body is screaming.
2:43
Speaker 1: No, one hundred percent.
2:45
Speaker 2: And you've also been conditioned, yeah, to stay in the
2:48
Speaker 2: marriage like that is the right thing to do by
2:49
Speaker 2: your culture, which I know you're trying to respect. But yeah,
2:52
Speaker 2: if your body is screaming no, and you just know
2:53
Speaker 2: and you're not happy, you literally have one life to live.
2:56
Speaker 2: One thing I always think about as well, is we
2:59
Speaker 2: care about our kids so much, right, all of us
3:01
Speaker 2: as parents say I would do anything for my kid,
3:04
Speaker 2: I would do any to make sure they have the
3:06
Speaker 2: best life possible. For me, the quality of my life
3:09
Speaker 2: is based on the quality of my relationships. If I
3:12
Speaker 2: am not a walking role model for my children and
3:15
Speaker 2: the relationships I have in my life, they're washing, They're
3:18
Speaker 2: soaking up everything. You're showing them what normal is and
3:21
Speaker 2: what's to be expected. So if you guys are not
3:23
Speaker 2: communicating well, you're not growing together, you're not intimate, you're
3:26
Speaker 2: not cuddly, you're not loving on each other, that is
3:29
Speaker 2: what your son's going to look for. That is how
3:30
Speaker 2: he's going to treat his future wife. And you can
3:32
Speaker 2: see how unhappy you are and how unhappy your husband
3:35
Speaker 2: would be just as unhappy right now as what you
3:37
Speaker 2: are both of you in this. Your son's seeing that.
3:40
Speaker 2: That's what he's learning is to be expected and to
3:42
Speaker 2: be normal. So if you're not going to just do
3:44
Speaker 2: it for yourself, like do it for your son as well,
3:46
Speaker 2: and do it for your husband too, because none of
3:48
Speaker 2: you are happy.
3:48
Speaker 1: There, none of you are thriving.
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Speaker 2: You're getting by each day, and you're doing what you
3:52
Speaker 2: quote unquote you think is the right thing to do.
3:54
Speaker 2: But the right thing is what's right for you and
3:56
Speaker 2: only you can make that decision. And co parenting, I
3:59
Speaker 2: cannot even begin to imagine. I have girlfriends that do it,
4:01
Speaker 2: that have gone through messy divorces, have lost everything, who
4:05
Speaker 2: have had to start again, who some have the kids
4:07
Speaker 2: full time and that is so hard, and others have
4:10
Speaker 2: their kids fifty percent of the time and that is
4:11
Speaker 2: so hard because they miss out on fifty percent of
4:13
Speaker 2: their life. Yeah, what dad does is sobjec to what
4:15
Speaker 2: they do. And then they come back together and it's
4:17
Speaker 2: like different rules, different All of it is messy and hard. However,
4:22
Speaker 2: I think putting yourself as a priority and making yourself
4:25
Speaker 2: happy long term and short term, it's going to be
4:28
Speaker 2: so beneficial for everyone involved.
4:29
Speaker 1: Absolutely absolutely.
4:31
Speaker 3: I love what you just shared because it's so interesting
4:34
Speaker 3: when you are in the marriage and you stay like
4:37
Speaker 3: even for yourself, for everyone around, like they're not getting
4:40
Speaker 3: the best version of you because deep down you're so
4:43
Speaker 3: disconnected from what you truly want and feel like you
4:46
Speaker 3: have to miss out on the kind of life and
4:48
Speaker 3: the quality of life that you want to live because
4:50
Speaker 3: you are truly unhappy inside. So when you show up
4:53
Speaker 3: in everyday life that feeling, that sadness, that feeling disconnected,
4:56
Speaker 3: that feeling out of alignment with what you actually want
4:59
Speaker 3: is going to seep out into everything that you do,
5:01
Speaker 3: including how you show up for yourself, how you show
5:03
Speaker 3: up as a family member, how you as a parent.
5:06
Speaker 3: You know, there are pros and cons to everything, right,
5:08
Speaker 3: but on the flip side of that, if you were
5:10
Speaker 3: to leave, what your children are going to get is
5:13
Speaker 3: that you're going to be able to give them the
5:15
Speaker 3: best version of you always. You know, and I think.
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Speaker 2: Feel that you're not happy, Yeah, maybe we don't give
5:21
Speaker 2: them enough credit for what they know.
5:22
Speaker 3: Absolutely, and it's important for you to show also your
5:26
Speaker 3: son when you aren't happy, you're allowed to walk away.
5:29
Speaker 3: You're going to give him the permission to choose himself
5:32
Speaker 3: in the moments that feel really hard, so that you
5:35
Speaker 3: are the walking role model of if you don't feel happy,
5:37
Speaker 3: if you don't feel aligned, you can start again, you
5:40
Speaker 3: can leave. It's never too late. You can always switch
5:44
Speaker 3: and change route if it doesn't feel good for you.
5:46
Speaker 3: And that's what you get to give yourself permission in
5:49
Speaker 3: this And I could imagine how hard it would be,
5:52
Speaker 3: especially when you come from a culture.
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Speaker 2: That's why I don't feel qualified, but I have never
5:56
Speaker 2: experienced the cultural side of marriage. But I imagine, does
6:00
Speaker 2: this mean that if you were to get a divorce,
6:02
Speaker 2: that your parents disown you and you're out of the
6:04
Speaker 2: family because that have and some cultures, And what does
6:07
Speaker 2: that look like for you? Is the pain of that
6:09
Speaker 2: greater than the pain of staying in a marriage or
6:11
Speaker 2: is the pain of that something you have to learn
6:14
Speaker 2: to live with in order to choose yourself and find
6:17
Speaker 2: happiness and find people in your life that actually want
6:19
Speaker 2: to see you happy and care more about how you
6:22
Speaker 2: feel than what it looks like on the outside or
6:24
Speaker 2: what's perceived to be right. I'm not in it, so
6:27
Speaker 2: I can't say exactly what I do, but I assume
6:30
Speaker 2: I would want to choose my own happiness because tomorrow's
6:33
Speaker 2: not promised, and I would hate to get to ady
6:35
Speaker 2: and look back and go, oh my gosh, I just
6:37
Speaker 2: lived a whole life, a whole marriage, absolutely fucking miserable
6:41
Speaker 2: to make my parents happy. Yeah, Like no, that's like
6:44
Speaker 2: breaks my heart, of.
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Speaker 3: Course, And I get it as well. The fear that
6:47
Speaker 3: you have around that is so valid too, you know,
6:49
Speaker 3: because it's obviously the people that you love and you
6:51
Speaker 3: care about, you know, And there your people, They're your tribe.
6:54
Speaker 3: They're the love that you care about the most, and
6:56
Speaker 3: so care what they think, yes importantly, So to fear
7:00
Speaker 3: potentially losing them or to make them unhappy, I get
7:03
Speaker 3: would be a strong I have a fore you to
7:05
Speaker 3: want to stay, you know, But it's also like they
7:09
Speaker 3: don't have to live your life day to day. They're
7:11
Speaker 3: not the ones sleeping with your partner, having conversations with
7:14
Speaker 3: your partner, or lack of conversation, or lack of right
7:17
Speaker 3: you know, experiencing that emotional disconnect and that emotional lack
7:20
Speaker 3: of safety. I would say, you know, every single day,
7:23
Speaker 3: only you will know what that feels like. So if
7:26
Speaker 3: you don't have anybody in your life who is supporting you,
7:29
Speaker 3: is that something you can look at bringing somebody in
7:31
Speaker 3: your life who can support you through the challenges that
7:34
Speaker 3: you would face if you were to make this decision
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Speaker 3: and to choose yourself.
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Speaker 2: I would assume there's like Facebook forums and groups that
7:41
Speaker 2: have women in a similar position to you from your
7:43
Speaker 2: culture that are going through something, that have been through
7:45
Speaker 2: what you've been through. I'm sure this podcast and YouTube
7:47
Speaker 2: clips I'd be like looking into that, taking in some
7:50
Speaker 2: content around that looking for support outside of your family
7:53
Speaker 2: as well, like having girlfriends we say all the time,
7:56
Speaker 2: and it's just an absolute lifeline.
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Speaker 3: And you know what. There's also the other aspect is
8:00
Speaker 3: that would feel like pressure is to be financially dependent
8:02
Speaker 3: on you financial side, right, So that's also an element
8:05
Speaker 3: that I'm sure is weighing heavy in your head. Yeah,
8:07
Speaker 3: in your mind, especially when you feel like you don't
8:10
Speaker 3: necessarily have the resources and it feels like a lot
8:12
Speaker 3: of pressure, because yes, it can feel like pressure. However,
8:16
Speaker 3: I feel like it would be empowering for you to
8:18
Speaker 3: learn how to create the resource of money, you know,
8:21
Speaker 3: especially for you, for your son, for yourself, for your
8:23
Speaker 3: freedom to not feel like that financial dependence that you
8:27
Speaker 3: have is a burden on you and is the reason
8:30
Speaker 3: why you stay. Because that's most of the reason why
8:32
Speaker 3: a lot of women do stays, because.
8:33
Speaker 1: Especially this day and age, because of the rental.
8:35
Speaker 3: Crist Yes, because they're scared they don't know how to
8:37
Speaker 3: make the money. Then they have to go back to work.
8:38
Speaker 3: They don't have to have the level of freedom that
8:40
Speaker 3: they have anymore, and then the pressure of financial responsibility
8:43
Speaker 3: is now on your shoulders. But it's also something that
8:46
Speaker 3: will be really empowering for you to know that finances
8:50
Speaker 3: is not something that somebody can hold over your head.
8:53
Speaker 2: But there also needs to be a plan in place,
8:54
Speaker 2: Like I totally get that, it's not something you can
8:56
Speaker 2: just leave tomorrow.
8:57
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm not saying to do this.
8:58
Speaker 2: However, my mum when she was with my father, and
9:02
Speaker 2: he was a hopeless father, like I nearly drownded the bathtub.
9:05
Speaker 1: He didn't watch me. There's so many.
9:07
Speaker 2: Stories where he just my god, Yeah, wasn't great. My
9:10
Speaker 2: mom knew she wanted to leave him, but saying like
9:12
Speaker 2: finances scared, do I try again? Like you know, all
9:15
Speaker 2: those thoughts. But while she was thinking about all of that,
9:18
Speaker 2: she was tacking money away. So when she actually decided
9:21
Speaker 2: enough's enough, which I think was after the bath incident. Yeah,
9:23
Speaker 2: and when I was in hospital six, she had a
9:25
Speaker 2: stash of cash and something mym's always said, in your underdrawer,
9:28
Speaker 2: have a stash of cash. I don't care if it's
9:30
Speaker 2: five hundred dollars, if it's five thousand dollars. In a
9:32
Speaker 2: case of emergency, even if your friends needed something in
9:34
Speaker 2: an emergency, you've got that stash of cash. And she
9:37
Speaker 2: had a couple of thousand dollars and it was just
9:38
Speaker 2: enough to get her out get a place. It was
9:40
Speaker 2: a small place for her and two children. But I
9:44
Speaker 2: don't know if that is something that maybe would just
9:46
Speaker 2: make you feel a little bit more financially secure. Why
9:48
Speaker 2: you're creating a plan, Why are you looking for work
9:50
Speaker 2: or speaking to family or just getting support and looking
9:52
Speaker 2: at all of your options, Because there is options, and
9:54
Speaker 2: I'm sure none of them are easy. I'm sure all
9:57
Speaker 2: of them are hard. But you know what else is hard?
9:59
Speaker 2: Staying where you are right now, absolutely miserable even though
10:02
Speaker 2: not good in bed, there's a lack of connection there
10:04
Speaker 2: for starters, lack of safety, so of course that's not
10:06
Speaker 2: going to feel good for either of you. And being intimate,
10:10
Speaker 2: it gives you this life force, It gives you this energy,
10:13
Speaker 2: and it makes you feel alive and happy and content
10:15
Speaker 2: and like the amount of pleasure that you're missing out
10:17
Speaker 2: on in a beautiful it's not just the act of sex,
10:20
Speaker 2: it's the connection that it brings in an intimate relationship.
10:23
Speaker 2: That is a big part of an inter relationship because
10:26
Speaker 2: otherwise you're just passing ships in the house, you're co
10:28
Speaker 2: parenting under the same roof. Yeah, like you deserve better,
10:31
Speaker 2: you can have more. Absolutely, absolutely supple as well. This
10:36
Speaker 2: is not hating on him at all. He's probably feeling
10:38
Speaker 2: exactly how you're feeling, and you're both really fantasizing about
10:41
Speaker 2: what it's like without each other and what it would
10:43
Speaker 2: be like to find someone that you're truly connected.
10:45
Speaker 1: With and aligned with.
10:46
Speaker 2: Absolutely it was someone perfect for him that doesn't want
10:48
Speaker 2: to grow and have the deep conversations and they just
10:50
Speaker 2: want to, you know, live life. My ex partner was
10:53
Speaker 2: like that.
10:53
Speaker 1: He was a.
10:53
Speaker 2: Beautiful man, but he never wanted to grow and never
10:55
Speaker 2: wanted to travel, never wanted to do much, just wanted
10:57
Speaker 2: to have kids, get the white picket fence and chill,
11:00
Speaker 2: and good on him is doing that now, But I
11:02
Speaker 2: always wanted more. It's okay to want different things. This
11:04
Speaker 2: isn't hate on anyone. Everyone just likes stupid things. But
11:06
Speaker 2: to find someone with shared values and morals and goals,
11:11
Speaker 2: your life will just feel like a movie.
11:14
Speaker 3: I think people sometimes think as well, just because the
11:16
Speaker 3: person's not abusive doesn't mean you can't want for more.
11:19
Speaker 1: And it's just the point. It's just the biggest crockable
11:22
Speaker 1: shit ever.
11:23
Speaker 2: Like best of the advice segment a lot like he's lovely,
11:25
Speaker 2: he's this, and that he's not abusive.
11:27
Speaker 1: So it's like, oh, okay, you should just stay, I
11:29
Speaker 1: should be happy.
11:30
Speaker 3: Oh like you should be grateful that you're with But
11:33
Speaker 3: it's not that. It's not about that. It's wanting for
11:35
Speaker 3: more and like wanting what your heart desires, and if
11:38
Speaker 3: it's on your heart, you get to have that. If
11:40
Speaker 3: you want a deeper level of relationship, you get to
11:42
Speaker 3: call that in. But are you still entertaining the people
11:45
Speaker 3: that give you less than that? And that's a beautiful
11:47
Speaker 3: conversation too, And also in terms of like self abandonment,
11:50
Speaker 3: like imagine what it's doing to your body when every
11:55
Speaker 3: time you're sleeping with him and you have that sense of.
11:57
Speaker 1: Not ick but like exchange.
11:59
Speaker 3: Yeah, you're having sex with somebody and exchanging energy with
12:02
Speaker 3: somebody where you feel like, I'm not plugged into this
12:04
Speaker 3: place and I don't feel safe, I don't feel like
12:06
Speaker 3: I want to be here, that I'm not my person.
12:09
Speaker 3: Every single time that you do that, it's self abandonment.
12:11
Speaker 3: It is you know, and you're saying that I need
12:13
Speaker 3: to put my needs to the side to please this
12:15
Speaker 3: person so that I don't create conflict or you know,
12:18
Speaker 3: turn my life upside down. It's just not worth it.
12:20
Speaker 2: I love what you said about are you still entertaining
12:23
Speaker 2: the people that treat you like that? Because at the
12:24
Speaker 2: end of the day, it's so easy to blame the
12:26
Speaker 2: person for not being good in bed and for not
12:28
Speaker 2: showing up and not growing and yeah, he plays his roles.
12:30
Speaker 2: It's to be longed dynamic. Everyone's experience is just true.
12:33
Speaker 2: But of course, at the end of the day, you're
12:34
Speaker 2: in control of your boundaries and what you're going to
12:36
Speaker 2: allow and what you allow. It'll keep happening until you
12:39
Speaker 2: put that boundary and take a stance and stick up
12:41
Speaker 2: for what you want and stop entertaining what's less than
12:45
Speaker 2: nothing's going to change. So the fact that you're super
12:48
Speaker 2: awarea all of this, You know what you want and
12:50
Speaker 2: it's like what now, Yeah, this is up.
12:52
Speaker 1: To you now.
12:53
Speaker 2: And the fact that you've been brave enough to bring
12:54
Speaker 2: this in, I'm like so proud of you because it's
12:56
Speaker 2: the first step. Sometimes just actually talking about it is
12:59
Speaker 2: the first step.
13:00
Speaker 1: I did this exact thing.
13:01
Speaker 2: We were only freshly getting to know each other, Yeah,
13:06
Speaker 2: freshly friendship dating. Well, we hadn't been friends for that long,
13:09
Speaker 2: but we've already gone there deep with things, different things.
13:12
Speaker 2: And it was something about an ex partner. You were
13:14
Speaker 2: still with him, and when you said something out loud,
13:18
Speaker 2: it was like a week lady. You were like, that
13:19
Speaker 2: was the first time I actually said it out loud.
13:21
Speaker 1: It became so real.
13:23
Speaker 2: Yeah, That's when I knew this had to end. And
13:26
Speaker 2: I was like, wow, that's so true, because when you
13:27
Speaker 2: suppress it and keep it inside, you kind of ignore it.
13:30
Speaker 2: You're like you like you gaslight yourself. Yeah, you say
13:34
Speaker 2: it out loud, and then someone else hold you in that,
13:36
Speaker 2: it's like, oh that's there, Yeah, that anymore?
13:38
Speaker 3: Yeah, And you know, I remember the moment that I
13:40
Speaker 3: said that to you, sitting in the car, like about
13:42
Speaker 3: to where it's dancing, and I just remember how it
13:45
Speaker 3: felt in the moment to voice it out loud, and
13:46
Speaker 3: I was like, Wow, what I'm feeling is so real,
13:48
Speaker 3: And I don't have to pretend like it's not here anymore,
13:50
Speaker 3: and I don't have to pretend like I'm happy because
13:52
Speaker 3: I'm not. And I'm actually really getting the short end
13:55
Speaker 3: of the stick here, and like really having to abandon
13:59
Speaker 3: all of the things that are important to me in
14:00
Speaker 3: order to keep this person. And when I said it
14:03
Speaker 3: to you out loud, I just it was a big moment.
14:05
Speaker 3: It was a reality check for me. It was like wow,
14:07
Speaker 3: Like afterwards you took action and I did, yeah.
14:10
Speaker 1: Like actually, I'm not going to settle for this anymore.
14:12
Speaker 3: Like I can't do this anymore. Yeah.
14:13
Speaker 2: So the fact that you're bringing this in that's a
14:16
Speaker 2: great first step, it is. And now what next? Yeah,
14:18
Speaker 2: And we're here for you too if you want to
14:20
Speaker 2: slot into our dms, like we're so here for you
14:21
Speaker 2: if you need anything.
14:23
Speaker 3: Or if you want to do an update and you
14:24
Speaker 3: want to share a little bit more context about like
14:26
Speaker 3: what's come up for you since us giving you this
14:28
Speaker 3: response and the best the advice to your situation, let
14:31
Speaker 3: us know, because we'd happy to do like another follow
14:34
Speaker 3: up episode and dive into this deeper.
14:36
Speaker 2: We know that you're scared, but being scared doesn't mean
14:39
Speaker 2: you can't do it, that's right. Being scared doesn't mean
14:41
Speaker 2: it's impossible. You've got to feel this sphere and go
14:43
Speaker 2: for it anyway.
14:44
Speaker 3: And if you want to avoid that feeling and feeling
14:46
Speaker 3: trapped in your own life, it's being able to get
14:48
Speaker 3: out of your own head right, because it's usually the
14:51
Speaker 3: limitations that we put on ourselves that keep us stuck
14:53
Speaker 3: in our minds, in our life, in the choices that
14:56
Speaker 3: we're making. The only thing that we need to do
14:58
Speaker 3: is get out of our own way, right, because you
15:01
Speaker 3: don't owe it to anyone to stay the same or
15:04
Speaker 3: to continu You're choosing what you have chosen in your
15:07
Speaker 3: life up until now, like you have full permission to
15:11
Speaker 3: wake up today, tomorrow, whenever and go I want to
15:14
Speaker 3: change my life entirely. I decide that I want more,
15:17
Speaker 3: I decide that i want for different and I decide
15:20
Speaker 3: that I'm going to choose different things because i want
15:22
Speaker 3: a different outcome.
15:24
Speaker 1: And you get to do that.
15:25
Speaker 3: Don't worry about the judgment of what other people are
15:27
Speaker 3: going to think. Because you've changed your mind. You're allowed
15:30
Speaker 3: to change your mind. And if you are not changing
15:32
Speaker 3: your mind, you are not growing, which is why you
15:34
Speaker 3: feel stagnant so dead inside. And get it fat that's right.
15:38
Speaker 3: It's like you want for movement, you want for more,
15:40
Speaker 3: you want a better quality life relationship. Don't limit yourself
15:43
Speaker 3: in thinking that what you have right now is all
15:45
Speaker 3: there is for you, because if it's on your heart,
15:47
Speaker 3: I promise you it's out there for you. You just
15:49
Speaker 3: have to be willing to fight for it.
15:52
Speaker 2: And that's the same with anything. You have full perosion
15:54
Speaker 2: to change everything. I relate to that being scared of
15:56
Speaker 2: what other people think of me, Like even in my
15:58
Speaker 2: career leaving the fitness industry, was petrified what people thought
16:01
Speaker 2: of me, like will I be accepted, will I be like?
16:03
Speaker 2: Or people still want to follow along and come on
16:05
Speaker 2: my journey. I know it's very different, but that fear
16:08
Speaker 2: is so real.
16:08
Speaker 3: It's just a real life example of how it shows up.
16:11
Speaker 2: Yeah, and you have to feel the fear and do
16:12
Speaker 2: it anyway. We will forever change our mind. What you
16:15
Speaker 2: thought about, what you believed, and how you showed up
16:18
Speaker 2: and who you had in your life at fifteen to
16:20
Speaker 2: twenty to twenty five to thirty is going to change drastically.
16:23
Speaker 1: It's a part of life. If you choose that. You
16:26
Speaker 1: need to choose.
16:26
Speaker 2: Yourself on this, Like you do not want to be
16:28
Speaker 2: sitting here writing again in five years, timing like girls,
16:32
Speaker 2: I'm still here and I'm miserable and I can't shrop
16:35
Speaker 2: my son because I'm so depressed and I'm so sad,
16:38
Speaker 2: and he would see that and feel that as well.
16:40
Speaker 3: The way that you start to change and build a
16:43
Speaker 3: stronger relationship with yourself is honestly just one day deciding
16:47
Speaker 3: that I'm actually going to choose myself today.
16:49
Speaker 1: Yeah it's a clear, conscious decision.
16:51
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's a conscious choice. So people wonder, like, how
16:53
Speaker 3: do all these women have all this confidence and believe
16:55
Speaker 3: in themselves and have high standards and have strong self worth?
16:58
Speaker 1: Natural?
16:58
Speaker 3: No, they didn't come natural for them. They were probably
17:01
Speaker 3: once the girl who's self abandoned and gave everything to
17:04
Speaker 3: a past relationship. Were they people pleased and self abandoned
17:07
Speaker 3: and really lost who they were as a woman and
17:09
Speaker 3: decided I'm never going to feel that again, you know.
17:12
Speaker 3: So it's just even if you haven't been choosing yourself
17:14
Speaker 3: up until now, you can start today. And it doesn't
17:17
Speaker 3: mean that it's not going to feel scary, because it
17:18
Speaker 3: absolutely will. It's going to feel foreign and unfamiliar and lonely,
17:23
Speaker 3: probably lonely. You're going to feel guilty for it, but.
17:26
Speaker 1: I promise you'll survive. You will, you'll get through this.
17:28
Speaker 3: And just because you feel guilty for choosing yourself doesn't
17:31
Speaker 3: mean it's the wrong thing. It just means that you
17:33
Speaker 3: haven't done it in a long time. So I hope
17:36
Speaker 3: this has been really helpful.
17:38
Speaker 2: I who really hope? So I was sending you so
17:39
Speaker 2: much love. I wish you could give you a big cuddle.
17:41
Speaker 2: You probably just need someone to actually just hold you right, like,
17:43
Speaker 2: remind you that it's going to be okay. But listen
17:46
Speaker 2: to this episode again and again. If you need to
17:48
Speaker 2: look for outside support as well, there will be groups,
17:50
Speaker 2: there will be a sisterhood, there will be people like
17:52
Speaker 2: us send us a dam yeah, that can be there
17:55
Speaker 2: for you and that can validate you and see you
17:57
Speaker 2: and what you're going.
17:57
Speaker 3: Through and if you are serious about going on this
18:00
Speaker 3: journey and potentially changing your life right now, honestly, I
18:04
Speaker 3: highly recommend going and finding yourself a coach, because you're
18:07
Speaker 3: going to need somebody who's going to be able to
18:08
Speaker 3: hold your hand while you walk through the fire of
18:11
Speaker 3: this decision and all of the things that come up
18:13
Speaker 3: for you around finances, around culture, around the fear of leaving,
18:17
Speaker 3: around what comes up for you, around your son, all
18:20
Speaker 3: of it. Like, you're not going to be able to
18:21
Speaker 3: do this on your own, and you can, but it
18:23
Speaker 3: will feel less scary when you've got someone holding your
18:25
Speaker 3: hand along the way.
18:26
Speaker 1: Definitely give us an update. We would love to hear
18:29
Speaker 1: from you.
18:29
Speaker 2: We're sending you so much love and thank you for
18:31
Speaker 2: writing in and being so vulnerable.
18:33
Speaker 3: We love you. Good luck let us know.
18:35
Speaker 1: Yes, we'll see you guys tomorrow.
18:37
Speaker 2: In Wednesday's episode, Bye