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Red Flags in Relationships: How to Recognize Warning Signs Before They Become Bigger Problems · Stacked Intent: Your Guide to Authentic, Intentional Living

0:00
SPEAKER_04: Hello and welcome to the Stacked Intent Podcast.
0:03
SPEAKER_04: We are going to discuss and drop the tips on how you can intentionally stack your life.
0:08
SPEAKER_04: I'm Becca Stackhouse Morrison, the CEO and founder of Stacked Intent, and I look forward to having you join us each week during our episodes.
0:16
SPEAKER_04: Stacked Intent is a family life education business that is resonating with individuals who aspire to rediscover or discover their most authentic version of themselves.
0:29
SPEAKER_04: Too often our society beautifies a relationship via romantic family or friendship, but that doesn't teach the true meaning of healthy relationship boundaries.
0:40
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0:53
SPEAKER_04: From a place of pain of losing friendships, becoming one-directional friendships, or simply these two were temporary along life's road, it is important to know and practice the keys to creating well-balanced and healthy relationships.
1:09
SPEAKER_04: There are relationship breakups and choosing to be single with much reflection to develop of the authentic version of self.
1:17
SPEAKER_04: From all these places, stacked intent was created to provide these research resources through research-based information.
1:26
SPEAKER_04: We're going to look at the ways that you can be your most authentic self and be intentional with yourself.
1:33
SPEAKER_04: You'll laugh, you'll cry, and you're going to finish each episode being motivated to live your life more authentically.
1:40
SPEAKER_04: Be with, but with each episode, we're going to have a special co-host, and I'm going to let her introduce herself.
1:49
SPEAKER_01: Hi, I'm Sarah Bradley, a licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of Hope Grows Therapy and Consultation.
1:56
SPEAKER_01: My practice is located in beautiful downtown Wakumka, Alabama.
1:59
SPEAKER_01: I grew up in rural Alabama, and my passion is investing in my community by investing in its people.
2:05
SPEAKER_01: At Hope Grows, we seek to do this by working to help people improve the health of their relationships, their families, their businesses, and themselves.
2:12
SPEAKER_01: In addition to talk therapy, we offer consultation services to organizations like churches and businesses to help them improve their organizational health through workshops, conferences, and intensives.
2:22
SPEAKER_01: I'm really excited to be here today and looking forward to talking about some of the most common issues that come up in my therapy sessions.
2:28
SPEAKER_04: Welcome to the Stacked In Pent Podcast.
2:33
SPEAKER_04: Welcome to the Stacked In Pin Podcast, where we will draw out tips and tricks on how you are going to intentionally stack your life.
2:43
SPEAKER_04: I am Becca, and today we are going to be talking about red flags in relationships with our co-host, Sarah.
2:50
SPEAKER_04: So let's get started.
2:52
SPEAKER_04: We're going to talk about what red flags are, identify some common red flags, and even a yellow flag, and seeking and building practices for healthy attitudes and behaviors within our relationships.
3:06
SPEAKER_04: So our first topic that we're going to jump into is what are red flags?
3:13
SPEAKER_04: So red flags in any type of relationship can indicate that there are something unhealthy or toxic that is happening within a red flag relationship.
3:25
SPEAKER_04: So red flags, what are some of those common terms?
3:29
SPEAKER_02: Um, it's it's a common term for behavior in a relationship partner that indicates danger or trouble ahead.
3:35
SPEAKER_02: I like to think about the red flags at the beach, right?
3:37
SPEAKER_02: Don't go in the water, it's not safe.
3:39
SPEAKER_02: So a lot of times now, and y'all will have heard this in other podcasts from me, but this is a this is a term that has leaked into common vernacular.
3:48
SPEAKER_02: And so a lot of times people will say, oop, that's a red flag.
3:51
SPEAKER_02: And it's it's used to mean run, run fast, run far, head for the hills, get out of dodge, right?
3:56
SPEAKER_02: So red flags equals run, or does it?
3:59
SPEAKER_02: So let's talk, we're gonna talk about the nuance of that a little bit.
4:02
SPEAKER_02: Um, a red flag is an area of high concern and it needs immediate action to address and resolve the issue or even to end the relationship, depending on what the red flag is.
4:12
SPEAKER_02: So sometimes red flags can be addressed, um, can be addressed for a relationship to turn around, have a 180.
4:18
SPEAKER_02: We can actually help things out going move forward.
4:21
SPEAKER_02: But more often, red flags can be indicators that behaviors will increase as time moves forward, which is why they're called red flags, right?
4:28
SPEAKER_02: Um, a yellow flag, for example, instead, indicates that an area of concern needs watching, as well as a focused effort to address the issue as soon as possible.
4:38
SPEAKER_02: So you should address these yellow flags as soon as you see them and not turn away from them, overlook them, deny them, pretend they don't exist.
4:44
SPEAKER_02: Um, because this is just because you have red and yellow flags in your in your relationship doesn't mean that it's going to end.
4:52
SPEAKER_02: It just means that we need to be okay with living in these uncomfortable conversations.
4:56
SPEAKER_02: We all have areas of struggle in our relationship.
4:58
SPEAKER_02: So it doesn't necessarily necessitate running for the hills, but it does mean that we need to be paying attention and working to actively move things forward.
5:06
SPEAKER_04: And so it's the because yellow and red flags are in our life, we might just have to address it.
5:14
SPEAKER_04: And it might be something that can be adjusted, but it does come with uncomfortable.
5:21
SPEAKER_04: And having and creating healthy relationships, a lot of times it's going to start with a healthy self-self-relationship.
5:28
SPEAKER_04: So you're going to find it important to be able to look at your own baggage, your own toxic traits to see what you are doing that might be some unhealthy traits.
5:37
SPEAKER_04: And so a great time to a lot of times do that is when some kind of relationship ends.
5:42
SPEAKER_04: So whether romantic friendship, whether you're having an adjustment with a family relationship, it's looking at that part of it.
5:50
SPEAKER_04: Because too often, sometimes we want to bell on a relationship or friendship just because something gets uncomfortable and hard rather than putting in some work to see what we can do to improve it.
6:01
SPEAKER_02: That's right.
6:03
SPEAKER_02: So as we go through this list, um, if some of these examples seem a little familiar, don't panic.
6:08
SPEAKER_02: We will walk you through some of the next steps to begin addressing these issues.
6:12
SPEAKER_02: You always have to address these behaviors within, and in addition, it'll address the behaviors within yourself as you go to have these conversations with others.
6:20
SPEAKER_02: So you might notice these red flags in your partner or your your friend or your family member, but you might also notice them within yourself.
6:26
SPEAKER_02: So that's important to be paying attention to all of that part of your system as we go forward.
6:33
SPEAKER_04: Topic two is identifying some common red flags and yellow flags.
6:37
SPEAKER_04: So we're gonna talk about things like active alcoholism or an active addiction, some violence or anger outburst.
6:45
SPEAKER_04: We're gonna talk about what cruel, demeaning language or behavior can look like, mismatched relationship goals, and how that can contribute to jealousy, mistrust, history of infidelity, controlling behaviors, crazy exes, no friends, lack of emotional intimacy, gaslighting, love bombing, breadcrumbing, avoidance of conflict, and many others.
7:13
SPEAKER_04: So we're gonna really dive into how these can be red flags in our relationship.
7:18
SPEAKER_04: So, how does active alcoholism or addiction contribute?
7:23
SPEAKER_04: Is either a red flag or a yellow flag when we're looking at it?
7:26
SPEAKER_02: That is a great question.
7:27
SPEAKER_02: And I do want to make the distinction here with the word active, right?
7:31
SPEAKER_02: There are lots of people who are in recovery and we treat that differently, right?
7:36
SPEAKER_02: If someone is actively engaging in alcoholism or addictive behaviors, then that is a very different situation.
7:42
SPEAKER_02: So what that indicates is a reliance on the substance to get through a difficult situation or even just a tough day.
7:48
SPEAKER_02: So long term, what that puts us at risk for is an increased ability to tolerate distress or discomfort, right?
7:56
SPEAKER_02: Over the course of time, we become less and less able to deal with difficult things without resorting to consuming that substance.
8:03
SPEAKER_02: So unfortunately, the ability to tolerate distress is essential for working through relational and life problems.
8:09
SPEAKER_02: If you can't get through a fight or an argument or disagreement with your spouse without turning to a substance, it's really going to impede your ability to have a healthy relationship or a healthy work environment, et cetera.
8:19
SPEAKER_02: So there's also a very high risk that their life and family will be significantly impacted if the addiction continues to progress.
8:26
SPEAKER_02: So a yellow flag would kind of be frequent or daily drinking, occasional binges, acknowledges that this is an issue, but you know, and shows some interest in working to fix it, right?
8:39
SPEAKER_02: Still an issue.
8:40
SPEAKER_02: And I'm always very, very cautious in encouraging someone to continue in a relationship where there is not active seeking of assistance with this, right?
8:48
SPEAKER_02: If you're not actively working to address this addiction, we have a problem.
8:51
SPEAKER_02: So red flag would be daily drinking, relying on substances, regular binges, disorder in your daily life, no accountability, no acknowledgement that this is an issue, denying that this is a problem at all, that is a huge red flag.
9:04
SPEAKER_02: It absolutely puts people in danger.
9:06
SPEAKER_02: So I'm going to add an important note here.
9:08
SPEAKER_02: If your partner ever harms you while intoxicated, and this is not just this is not just in the presence of alcoholism or addiction, but this is if your partner harms you while intoxicated, this is an like this is a serious problem.
9:20
SPEAKER_02: Immediate action is needed, most likely the ending of your relationship, because you should not only be safe as long as they're sober, right?
9:27
SPEAKER_02: I have people tell me, well, you know, he was drunk or she was she was drinking and she wasn't, they weren't making the decision they normally would make.
9:33
SPEAKER_02: No, they made the decision to drink and that put you at risk.
9:37
SPEAKER_02: The next time they drink, you will be at risk again, right?
9:40
SPEAKER_02: That is not a safe situation.
9:42
SPEAKER_02: You should not only be safe only as long as they're sober.
9:45
SPEAKER_02: So that kind of leads into a second red flag here.
9:49
SPEAKER_02: Um, displays of violence or angry outbursts, right?
9:52
SPEAKER_02: So this is defined as acts of aggression toward people, animals, property, or even objects, right?
9:58
SPEAKER_02: We're throwing stuff, punching holes in walls, things like that.
10:02
SPEAKER_02: So this indicates that they probably don't possess healthier ways of coping with anger.
10:06
SPEAKER_02: And this could very likely indicate a lack of empathy toward other people.
10:09
SPEAKER_02: So what it also indicates they have the ability to become so agitated that they're not thinking about the safety of the people around them.
10:16
SPEAKER_02: All I'm thinking about is how angry I am or upset I am about the situation.
10:20
SPEAKER_02: I'm not thinking about the fact that I threw a glass and shattered it and my kids are going to walk through the kitchen in 30 seconds, right?
10:26
SPEAKER_02: Or that glass could have hit them, or that the dog actually experiences pain when I kick him, right?
10:32
SPEAKER_02: Like I'm just, I feel mad, and my anger is the most important thing in the universe right now, not what other people are experiencing about that.
10:40
SPEAKER_02: So, but what if they just throw things?
10:41
SPEAKER_02: They never hit me, right?
10:43
SPEAKER_02: No, there's always the potential for escalating behaviors.
10:46
SPEAKER_02: We qualify that as domestic violence, right?
10:49
SPEAKER_02: Even if it's not actually hitting another person.
10:51
SPEAKER_02: And that act puts others, just like I said, especially children and animals, in danger.
10:56
SPEAKER_02: Well, there are no go ahead.
10:58
SPEAKER_04: Oh, this one is one that definitely is not gonna take more than one time.
11:04
SPEAKER_04: It only takes one time for a violent outbreak to really cause serious damage, not just physically or emotionally, but I mean physically too.
11:14
SPEAKER_04: This is one that unfortunately can lead to death when certain violent actions are taken in anger.
11:22
SPEAKER_02: Right.
11:23
SPEAKER_02: That's why there are not there are no yellow flags with violence.
11:26
SPEAKER_02: This is always red, right?
11:27
SPEAKER_02: There's no, oh, they hit me one time and it's not a big deal.
11:30
SPEAKER_02: No, no.
11:31
SPEAKER_02: It's red.
11:32
SPEAKER_02: This is a serious issue and it needs to be addressed immediately, or we need to leave the relationship.
11:38
SPEAKER_02: Um, with angry outbursts, it's a little bit different.
11:40
SPEAKER_02: So I define angry outbursts as more verbal and less physical.
11:43
SPEAKER_02: So an angry outburst, verbally angry outburst, a yellow flag example would be lose your temper, you're saying harsh things, but you're not being unduly cruel, and there's no ability to regulate yourself during conflict, right?
11:55
SPEAKER_02: So that's a yellow flag.
11:56
SPEAKER_02: A red flag is yelling, cruel, demeaning language, behaviors spitting on your partner, hitting your partner, threatening your partner in any kind of way, no ability to regulate.
12:06
SPEAKER_02: Um, partner walks on the eggshells to avoid triggering outbursts.
12:09
SPEAKER_02: Those are those are big red flag behaviors here.
12:11
SPEAKER_02: And these are, you know, we're going to talk about some other flag situations shortly that are less severe, less serious, less immediately serious.
12:20
SPEAKER_02: But this one in particular is one that we take very, very seriously right off the bat.
12:25
SPEAKER_02: And it's always one that um that I pay attention to immediately and is one of the most serious and poses the most risk to people psychologically, physically, severely impacts your life.
12:36
SPEAKER_02: I could go on and on, but this is very, very serious.
12:38
SPEAKER_04: Well, and this is one that if you are talking, if we talk about romantic relationships, you're if it's happening in the dating stage.
12:47
SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah.
12:48
SPEAKER_04: It's definitely gonna happen as your relationship progresses down the road.
12:54
SPEAKER_04: And even if you decide that marriage is where it's headed, it's not going to get better just because you get married.
13:03
SPEAKER_04: A lot of times it's gonna intensify it and actually make it worse.
13:06
SPEAKER_04: So don't think I'm dating this guy.
13:09
SPEAKER_04: He's just he's gonna get better because he loves me.
13:12
SPEAKER_04: That that's not gonna happen.
13:14
SPEAKER_04: That's just not a fact of it.
13:15
SPEAKER_02: Or life is really stressful right now.
13:17
SPEAKER_02: But and so, you know, he's he's been violent, but things are gonna get better.
13:21
SPEAKER_02: And when he gets a new job, he's not gonna hit me anymore.
13:25
SPEAKER_02: No, absolutely not.
13:26
SPEAKER_02: And it as as sort of kind of evidence toward that point, one of the most common times for women to be um hit, victimized, abused violently is when they're pregnant, right?
13:37
SPEAKER_02: When they are at some the most physically vulnerable state they can be, and the child in their body is in the most physically vulnerable state they can be.
13:46
SPEAKER_02: That is one of the most common times that they are physically assaulted.
13:49
SPEAKER_02: And if that is not proof positive that a change in situation does not automatically mean a change in violence, then I don't know what it is, but that's a very, very good point.
13:59
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, and this doesn't have to be a romantic partner.
14:02
SPEAKER_04: This can be in friendships or other types of relationships too.
14:07
SPEAKER_04: It can be present if you see violence within any kind of friendship or any kind of relationship.
14:15
SPEAKER_00: Family members, parents, children.
14:19
SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
14:21
SPEAKER_04: Other aspects can be insulting, cruel, demeaning language, or behaviors that happen.
14:26
SPEAKER_04: So it's any type of communication that is demeaning or humiliating from one person to the other.
14:32
SPEAKER_04: And you can say, Oh, well, this doesn't happen when we're alone.
14:36
SPEAKER_04: A lot of times whatever happens out in public is typically the best behavior.
14:40
SPEAKER_04: So if it's happening out in public, a lot of times it's happening behind closed doors too.
14:45
SPEAKER_04: So it can be directed towards a partner or other people as well.
14:50
SPEAKER_04: And so you might want to.
14:52
SPEAKER_04: This is why I think it's important before you do decide to marry somebody, see them in different situations, see them in your environment, see them in their environment, see them with their friends, see them with new friends, see them with friends they've had for years.
15:04
SPEAKER_04: That's gonna tell you a lot about who they are if any of this is present.
15:10
SPEAKER_02: Absolutely, especially if there's a power differential, right?
15:13
SPEAKER_02: So, how does your partner treat weight staff, for example?
15:18
SPEAKER_02: How do they treat um people, you know, people who are at a disadvantage, homeless people on the street, how do they treat animals?
15:23
SPEAKER_02: How do they treat children?
15:24
SPEAKER_02: How do they treat employees?
15:26
SPEAKER_02: Anyone who is, you know, you look at the surface and think socially this person is at a higher, um, a higher status level than that person.
15:34
SPEAKER_02: That is very telling often of true elements of their character.
15:39
SPEAKER_02: And when this is present in a romantic relationship, it's called contempt.
15:43
SPEAKER_02: And contempt has been demonstrated for relationships where contempt is present.
15:48
SPEAKER_02: There is a 94% chance that that relationship will end in dissolution.
15:52
SPEAKER_02: And it is incredibly toxic to the people involved in the relationship.
15:55
SPEAKER_02: For a wife who is on the receiving end of contempt from her husband, she is two or three times more likely to suffer from an infectious disease, to have a compromised immune system, suffer from things like heart disease, depression, cancer, things like that, that your body, your body gets so compromised by experiencing this that it really does have a physical impact on you.
16:17
SPEAKER_02: And it's one of those things that I assess for when I see a couple in my office and I'm like, okay, this is present.
16:22
SPEAKER_02: This has to stop yesterday.
16:24
SPEAKER_02: We cannot continue in a relationship where this is occurring, right?
16:27
SPEAKER_02: These behaviors have to stop.
16:30
SPEAKER_04: So it's important.
16:31
SPEAKER_04: This can also contribute to our next one, which is mismatched relationship goals.
16:37
SPEAKER_04: And so these are sometimes uncomfortable conversations that you need to have at the beginning of a relationship.
16:44
SPEAKER_04: And in my opinion, this is where you have to know yourself to be able to have these.
16:49
SPEAKER_04: But the mismatch can be a less of a flashing red light and more warning or possible trouble ahead.
16:56
SPEAKER_04: And so this might mean that we take a good look at what that means for our future relationship.
17:03
SPEAKER_04: This means that you have and have to be willing to sit down and have that conversation of I know that we're just starting to date, but where am I in my life?
17:13
SPEAKER_04: Where do I want to go?
17:15
SPEAKER_04: And how does that contribute to where we might be going?
17:18
SPEAKER_04: So number of children, this can be one.
17:20
SPEAKER_04: If you marry someone that doesn't want children and you want five kids, well, that's a problem.
17:27
SPEAKER_04: That's gonna be a problem.
17:28
SPEAKER_04: One of you is gonna have to give and one of you is not gonna be happy.
17:32
SPEAKER_04: Financial goals, where do y'all choose to spend money?
17:35
SPEAKER_04: How are you gonna do it?
17:36
SPEAKER_04: Career goals.
17:38
SPEAKER_04: If you want to move every two years for that next job jump, but I never want to move, that's not gonna help either.
17:46
SPEAKER_04: Home goals, where do you want to live?
17:49
SPEAKER_04: So this can contribute to yellow flags of areas of disagreement, and then red flags can be areas that are non-negotiable.
17:59
SPEAKER_04: And so if you're marrying someone that wants no children at all, and that's a non-negotiable for them, well, and you want five kids, y'all are gonna definitely have some mismatch in your relationship.
18:14
SPEAKER_02: Right.
18:15
SPEAKER_02: Like, you know, if if it's just a preference, you know, if it's I prefer the colonial style of home and you prefer the Victorian style of home, right?
18:22
SPEAKER_02: We might have some spirited disagreement about it, but it's a preference.
18:25
SPEAKER_02: And at the end of the day, it's not that big of a deal for me or you, right?
18:28
SPEAKER_02: But if those things are non-negotiable, like you said, then absolutely those are red flags.
18:34
SPEAKER_02: Like this is this an area we can come to agreement on, is this a place we can come to compromise on or not?
18:39
SPEAKER_02: And if the answer is no, then we need to take that into consideration right away.
18:43
SPEAKER_04: And it also it also can't be one person compromising all of it.
18:47
SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
18:48
SPEAKER_04: If you it has to be a we come to a common ground, not uh, it's my way or the highway.
18:54
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
18:56
SPEAKER_02: And for some people, for some relationships, right?
18:59
SPEAKER_02: Those might be a preference on one side and a non-negotiable on the other, right?
19:03
SPEAKER_02: Like I've always wanted to have kids, but my partner might be like, you know, never really thought about it.
19:08
SPEAKER_02: I'd be okay either way, not really, not really excited about having kids, but also wouldn't mind it.
19:14
SPEAKER_02: I'd be okay with it, right?
19:15
SPEAKER_02: Like that's that's more of a preference that that's less of a non-negotiable or a deal breaker stance.
19:20
SPEAKER_02: We might have some the ability to find common ground in those sorts of areas, but it's important to have these conversations early on in the dating relationship.
19:27
SPEAKER_02: And these are conversations when I do premarital counseling with somebody, these are these are things that we talk about right out of the gate, right?
19:33
SPEAKER_02: We cover as many of those sorts of things as possible to uncover if there are areas of conflicting non-negotiables.
19:41
SPEAKER_04: And it's it can depend.
19:43
SPEAKER_04: I mean, you're talking about a preference versus uh, I haven't really thought about it.
19:48
SPEAKER_04: Well, I want five kids, I've never really thought about it.
19:51
SPEAKER_04: That might be a discussion of, well, now that I'm thinking about it, I'm game for two, and that might be where you can come to a compromise.
20:00
SPEAKER_02: Right.
20:02
SPEAKER_02: That's a good example.
20:03
SPEAKER_04: What about jealousy and mistrust?
20:06
SPEAKER_02: So these often stem from previous experiences, right?
20:11
SPEAKER_02: Either they're previous experiences within the relationship itself or their experiences of prior relationships or childhood or other experiences they've had in their adult lives, or a sense of insecurity, right?
20:21
SPEAKER_02: Like persistent jealousy and mistrust.
20:23
SPEAKER_02: If I am unable and or unwilling to trust you, we're gonna have issues down the line that can absolutely indicate unhealthy relationship dynamics.
20:32
SPEAKER_02: And if we don't address those things pretty early on, maybe it's some individual work that I need to do to try and understand why I feel this way, or is there something in the relationship that's sustaining these feelings, right?
20:44
SPEAKER_02: Like I have a history of insecurity and maybe I've been cheated on before, but sometimes you don't text me for long periods of time, or you tell me you're one place and you're you're actually somewhere else.
20:55
SPEAKER_02: That's not gonna help, right?
20:57
SPEAKER_02: So, how can we how can we work to build better systems in our relationship and see if we can overcome these things enough to continue moving forward?
21:05
SPEAKER_04: Well, and that one contributes right into the history of infidelity.
21:09
SPEAKER_04: If this is one that you might have to proceed with caution.
21:12
SPEAKER_04: I mean, if you are in a relationship with a partner and that partner cheats on you and has another relationship, and that relationship becomes a relationship after you y'all break up.
21:27
SPEAKER_04: Well, how likely do you think that partner is to cheat on you again?
21:31
SPEAKER_04: So it's proceeding with caution and having have they demonstrated a change?
21:37
SPEAKER_04: Will listen back to your ability?
21:38
SPEAKER_04: Are you going to be able to trust them?
21:40
SPEAKER_04: Are you gonna be able to see as the relationship progresses?
21:44
SPEAKER_04: I mean, one of my top things that I think every person should have a discussion about before they get in relationships is does pornography count as infidelity?
21:56
SPEAKER_03: Right.
21:56
SPEAKER_04: Does it count?
21:57
SPEAKER_04: Because if it does for me and it doesn't for you.
22:00
SPEAKER_04: Well, it's not necessarily fair for me to tell you you have to totally change your view, but I see this as infidelity in our relationship.
22:08
SPEAKER_02: Right.
22:10
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, another example of why open communication in the dating phase of relationships is so incredibly important because you don't want to be having this conversation six years in with two kids.
22:20
SPEAKER_02: Like that's that's the wrong time to be having an argument about this.
22:23
SPEAKER_02: So, I mean, absolutely, if your partner has a history of infidelity, proceed with caution.
22:29
SPEAKER_02: But I mean, there's context here, right?
22:31
SPEAKER_02: And I have seen, I've seen and walked with so many couples in the aftermath of an infidelity that has occurred within that relationship.
22:38
SPEAKER_02: And the they a lot of times they come out on the other side stronger than they've ever been after a lot of work and accountability.
22:46
SPEAKER_02: And I mean, it's it's a hard road, but they are some of the, I'm I'm always so impressed.
22:50
SPEAKER_02: Like they're some of the strongest, most impressive people I've ever met because they they persevere through this.
22:55
SPEAKER_02: But if your partner's coming into the relationship with a history of infidelity against a prior partner, we need to know why.
23:01
SPEAKER_02: Right.
23:01
SPEAKER_02: So a yellow flag would be they take responsibility for their actions and they agree to counseling with you if necessary, right?
23:08
SPEAKER_02: Like let's let's go ahead and set a fur foundation, let's set rules and boundaries here, let's identify danger areas for you and for us so that we can, we can.
23:17
SPEAKER_02: I don't I don't believe in the term of fair proof of marriage.
23:19
SPEAKER_02: I hear that a lot because I don't think any marriage is a fair proof, right?
23:22
SPEAKER_02: I think that that is, I think that that's setting yourself up for a false sense of confidence, right?
23:27
SPEAKER_02: I think every relationship is vulnerable to stuff like this.
23:30
SPEAKER_02: But doing the best that you can, right, to to put as many structures in place as possible to prevent this.
23:36
SPEAKER_02: I I'm I'm more along the line of that.
23:39
SPEAKER_02: So red flag defending their previous behavior, blaming it on other people.
23:43
SPEAKER_02: Well, I I did it because my relationship was terrible and she was crazy, or he was a nuts, or he was whatever, whatever, and I chose to do this and that's that's that's why I did it.
23:53
SPEAKER_02: And you know, that's a red flag for me, right?
23:56
SPEAKER_02: You're not taking responsibility for the fact that no one actually made you cheat on that person, right?
24:01
SPEAKER_02: No one caused you to commit an infidelity.
24:04
SPEAKER_02: They created an environment that was ripe for it.
24:06
SPEAKER_02: They led you all the way up to that water, but you chose to drink it, right?
24:10
SPEAKER_02: They led you to the door you chose to walk through.
24:13
SPEAKER_02: Now, different differentiating between a yellow flag, you know what?
24:15
SPEAKER_02: My relationship was terrible.
24:17
SPEAKER_02: And I just really allowed myself to get into this head space.
24:21
SPEAKER_02: And I just, you know, I thought this was going to be the answer, and it really wasn't.
24:24
SPEAKER_02: It was awful.
24:25
SPEAKER_02: It made everything worse.
24:26
SPEAKER_02: I shouldn't have done it, I wouldn't do it again, right?
24:28
SPEAKER_02: That's different, right?
24:29
SPEAKER_02: That's yellow flag.
24:30
SPEAKER_02: Worth watching, but that's yellow flag.
24:33
SPEAKER_04: Well, and I think in this one specifically, it comes with some open communication and it comes with some vulnerability of if there's that history there, it it doesn't mean that it's going to repeat itself, but it depends on the situation and the circumstance.
24:50
SPEAKER_04: And it I think the biggest thing in a lot of these is do they blame somebody else or do they take ownership?
24:59
SPEAKER_02: Yes, absolutely.
25:02
SPEAKER_04: So I mean, a red flag is somebody that's controlling your behavior.
25:06
SPEAKER_04: If a partner attempts to, and this can be a friendship too, if they attempt to control who you spend your time with, what you read, listen to, what you're wearing, what you do, these are some clear red flags because it means that they're trying to control.
25:24
SPEAKER_04: Now what you wear, it may be, hey, I really would like you not to wear a t-shirt to that dinner tonight.
25:30
SPEAKER_04: That's not necessarily the same thing as controlling every you're not allowed to wear tank tops.
25:38
SPEAKER_02: Right.
25:38
SPEAKER_04: That's different.
25:39
SPEAKER_02: Right.
25:39
SPEAKER_02: I love that I love when you wear black dresses versus you can never wear that.
25:44
SPEAKER_02: Or or even you look fat in that, you should wear something else, right?
25:48
SPEAKER_02: Like that's controlling and manipulative.
25:51
SPEAKER_04: Or even the you can only wear red or black dresses, like that.
25:55
SPEAKER_04: That's a controlling thing, too.
25:57
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
25:58
SPEAKER_02: Right.
25:58
SPEAKER_02: Like what you do with your body, right?
26:00
SPEAKER_02: Like this is not stating preference.
26:02
SPEAKER_02: This is mandating that you adjust to suit their desires.
26:05
SPEAKER_02: And if you don't, there's a consequence, right?
26:08
SPEAKER_02: They're gonna pout about it, they're gonna get angry at you, there's gonna be an outburst, they're gonna constantly talk about it and mention it to the point where you're like, you know what?
26:14
SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna throw out all my tank tops and burn them if it'll get you to shut up about this, right?
26:18
SPEAKER_02: Like I'm I'm I'm tired.
26:20
SPEAKER_02: I'll never wear another tank top again, just stop.
26:22
SPEAKER_02: So that's that's what we're talking about here, right?
26:25
SPEAKER_02: It's normal and absolutely okay for you to go, hey, huh, do you like this?
26:28
SPEAKER_02: Like, what kind of, you know, what do you think?
26:30
SPEAKER_02: I look really awesome.
26:31
SPEAKER_02: And I'd love to dress in a way that really you appreciate.
26:34
SPEAKER_02: So, like that's that's different, right?
26:36
SPEAKER_02: That's respecting your partner and pleasing each other, and you know, and as long as it's again mutual, but not mandating those things, right?
26:44
SPEAKER_02: Like, I hate it when you wear those things, they look awful.
26:47
SPEAKER_02: No, no, that's red flag.
26:51
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, definitely.
26:52
SPEAKER_04: So another one is how do they talk about exes?
26:56
SPEAKER_04: How do they talk about people from their past?
26:58
SPEAKER_04: Are they always referring to them as a crazy ex?
27:02
SPEAKER_04: Because how do you talk about people that to me still goes back to are you taking ownership or are you blaming?
27:09
SPEAKER_04: And it's are you having a deep, meaningful relationship?
27:13
SPEAKER_04: It might be telling you something about their overall character.
27:17
SPEAKER_02: That's right.
27:18
SPEAKER_02: And even if even if your partner was unstable, right?
27:22
SPEAKER_02: Even if your partner was abusive or difficult or you know, all these things that we've been talking about, even if they were one giant walking red flag, right?
27:29
SPEAKER_02: Like how you refer to that person says a lot about your character.
27:34
SPEAKER_02: And and that that tells that person something moving forward.
27:39
SPEAKER_04: So friends.
27:41
SPEAKER_04: A person not having friends can be a huge indicator.
27:44
SPEAKER_04: And now this can depend on your stage in life, but most of the time, if there are no friends, this can mean that they were unable to have connections emotionally with others, or have they just don't have the time that they make for friends.
28:01
SPEAKER_04: It's worth watching because it might mean that they are struggling to connect with others, and this might mean that they struggle to connect with you.
28:09
SPEAKER_04: Or it also might mean that they don't prioritize relationships.
28:14
SPEAKER_02: That's right.
28:14
SPEAKER_02: And you know, there's some there, this is definitely has an asterisk next to it, right?
28:19
SPEAKER_02: Like maybe they just moved to the area, maybe their job is very demanding and they're they don't have time for a social life at this particular phase, but they really crave one.
28:28
SPEAKER_02: Like so, you know, this is one of those that I would I would call a yellow flag to go, hmm, why is that?
28:33
SPEAKER_02: Right.
28:34
SPEAKER_02: If it is that they are unable to connect emotionally, then I can absolutely understand why that would be a red flag for sure.
28:41
SPEAKER_02: But this is one that kind of makes me quirk an eyebrow and go, hmm, what's going on here?
28:45
SPEAKER_02: Right?
28:45
SPEAKER_02: If you don't have friends, there's a reason.
28:47
SPEAKER_04: And it might be one that's a discussion more, yeah, just uh, oh you have no friends, I need to run.
28:54
SPEAKER_02: Right.
28:55
SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
28:56
SPEAKER_04: Because it could also mean that they've made a total 160 change in their life if we go back up to the addictions and alcohol.
29:02
SPEAKER_05: That's right.
29:03
SPEAKER_04: That's why they have no friends, because all of those friends take them down that path.
29:08
SPEAKER_04: Well, that that doesn't mean it's a red flag not to have those friends.
29:12
SPEAKER_04: That actually might mean it's a good one because it means making some changes.
29:17
SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
29:18
SPEAKER_02: In that situation, I consider that a green flag, right?
29:21
SPEAKER_02: You you you saw this, you saw this was a very difficult position for you.
29:24
SPEAKER_02: And so you made the difficult decision to cut all of these relationships off because you valued your sobriety and your health more.
29:31
SPEAKER_02: And for me as a professional and as a person, I'm like, oh you like that's a really hard decision, and you made it like that's green flag for Sarah.
29:38
SPEAKER_04: Oh, yeah.
29:39
SPEAKER_04: It's that I mean, that's definitely one of those situations where it's evaluate the situation, evaluate the why.
29:46
SPEAKER_02: That's right.
29:47
SPEAKER_02: Very contextual, very contextual.
29:50
SPEAKER_04: So another one that I see is a huge red flag is that they give their partner all of their time.
29:57
SPEAKER_04: So this can be to the exclusion of friends, work, family, and their self.
30:02
SPEAKER_04: So their partner sucks all of the time that they have.
30:07
SPEAKER_04: And this could be a place where unhealthy pressures start to happen in a relationship.
30:13
SPEAKER_04: As one progresses, there becomes some imbalances in your life.
30:17
SPEAKER_04: And this one definitely leads to some serious codependency.
30:23
SPEAKER_02: That's right.
30:23
SPEAKER_02: And you know, there's a normal amount of this in the early stages of a relationship, right?
30:28
SPEAKER_02: We talked about in another podcast about how the dopamine is releasing in the in the context of a new relationship and everything's bright and exciting, and you want to spend all your time with that other person.
30:38
SPEAKER_02: And there's a reason that fades, right?
30:40
SPEAKER_02: Because we never get anything done ever again, right?
30:42
SPEAKER_02: No one would want to go to work or have friendships or anything like that if that fired for the rest of your life.
30:48
SPEAKER_02: So after a certain point, you kind of come up for air and go, okay, let's build a system, right?
30:52
SPEAKER_02: Let's build where my friends are at.
30:54
SPEAKER_02: Let's let's start talking to people and spending time with each other and actually building a scaffolding structure to support this relationship.
31:01
SPEAKER_02: Um, but if that doesn't happen, right?
31:03
SPEAKER_02: If it's all partner all the time, you never see them, you never get to talk to them, um, or even you never get to talk to them without that other person there, right?
31:11
SPEAKER_02: That's that's concerning.
31:12
SPEAKER_02: Or if that's what they did in their previous relationships, right?
31:15
SPEAKER_02: Like they, you know, all my friends left because I was with this person and I never hung out with them, or I was with this person and he didn't like me hanging out with those other people.
31:23
SPEAKER_02: Like, okay, this these are some codependent elements here.
31:26
SPEAKER_02: And that's indicator that we could have some issues down the line for sure.
31:30
SPEAKER_04: I mean, I think a lot of us can think about that friend that either started dating a guy or a girl, and all of a sudden they never have time for you.
31:38
SPEAKER_05: Never for anything.
31:40
SPEAKER_04: And then that relationship ends, and then all your friends are gone.
31:45
SPEAKER_04: And so one thing that I think you have to be aware of, even early in relationships, is starting to find that balance.
31:52
SPEAKER_04: Like let enjoy the time with them, but remember that all of your time one can't just be with each other, it does it, it doesn't work, it it creates too much pressure on both people.
32:04
SPEAKER_04: But you have if you do put all your time and energy into that one person, not everybody's gonna sit around and wait for you to come back.
32:14
SPEAKER_02: That's right.
32:15
SPEAKER_02: Because you're neglecting those relationships and it's it's hurting those people, it's well within their rights to take a step back or even to end the relationship entirely.
32:24
SPEAKER_02: And and that's a result of things that choices that you've made.
32:27
SPEAKER_02: Um, and so another type of red flag or yellow flag would be lack of emotional intimacy.
32:33
SPEAKER_02: So we talked earlier about we kind of touched on this in the no friends um portion of this event.
32:39
SPEAKER_02: Uh, but this is an unwillingness or an inability, right?
32:43
SPEAKER_02: Those are two different things to connect emotionally um with a relationship partner.
32:48
SPEAKER_02: So if it's an unwillingness, that's one thing.
32:50
SPEAKER_02: If it's an inability, that's something else.
32:52
SPEAKER_02: If it's an unwillingness, we have a problem, right?
32:54
SPEAKER_02: I'm not I'm not willing to change this.
32:56
SPEAKER_02: This is who I am.
32:57
SPEAKER_02: I'm not gonna share certain things with you, and you have to deal with it, right?
33:01
SPEAKER_02: I'm not gonna be vulnerable with you.
33:02
SPEAKER_02: You can get this close, but no closer.
33:05
SPEAKER_02: That's a problem.
33:06
SPEAKER_02: That's definitely a red flag.
33:07
SPEAKER_02: A more yellow flag would be I have difficulty connecting, um, but I understand that I do, and I'm willing to work on that.
33:13
SPEAKER_02: Can you be patient with me as I do this?
33:15
SPEAKER_02: Let me, can I seek some help?
33:17
SPEAKER_02: Like, let's go to therapy.
33:18
SPEAKER_02: I'll go to therapy, or I'll just work on it.
33:20
SPEAKER_02: You know, here, let's work on it, basically.
33:22
SPEAKER_02: And this this could be present for a lot of reasons.
33:25
SPEAKER_02: Uh, a lot of times we look at what happened in childhood.
33:27
SPEAKER_02: Maybe we've had previous relationships where we've been really seriously hurt.
33:30
SPEAKER_02: And so the idea of opening up to someone else is really scary.
33:34
SPEAKER_02: And that's fair, but we have to acknowledge the consequences of that.
33:38
SPEAKER_02: If we're not willing to open up in the context of a romantic relationship or a friendship, there's only so close we can get.
33:45
SPEAKER_02: So if that's your partner, then we really need to consider what do you want the future of a relationship to look like?
33:51
SPEAKER_02: Because if this is it, then then and this is not what you want, then we need to really seriously consider next steps here.
33:59
SPEAKER_04: Well, and with this one, it could also be where are you trying to have them open up?
34:04
SPEAKER_04: Are you having them open up around your children, your friends, your is it never a one-on-one situation that you're having them open up?
34:16
SPEAKER_04: Because that's definitely gonna put some of that.
34:19
SPEAKER_04: I'm not willing to share here.
34:22
SPEAKER_04: This isn't my space, but you have to be willing to acknowledge that it might be the environment of where you're trying to have this emotional intimacy.
34:31
SPEAKER_02: Right.
34:31
SPEAKER_02: And emotional intimacy is something that if you're not taught it in the first 18 years of your life, you have to learn it.
34:39
SPEAKER_02: And you have to learn it by making mistakes with this.
34:42
SPEAKER_02: So, you know, spending someone on one time together and just sort of, you know, your partner communicating, hey, I really want to connect with you here, but I feel like there's some walls.
34:51
SPEAKER_02: I feel like you're having a hard time and I don't know what to do.
34:54
SPEAKER_02: Like I want to get close to you, but I feel like you're shutting me out.
34:57
SPEAKER_02: And for someone to tell you that, if you allow it, that could have a really big impact.
35:01
SPEAKER_02: Wow, I didn't know that that was happening.
35:03
SPEAKER_02: No one's ever told me that before.
35:05
SPEAKER_02: This is an opportunity for me to make some changes.
35:07
SPEAKER_02: And can you be patient with me while I do, right?
35:10
SPEAKER_02: That can be a huge positive moment of growth in a relationship and for the person individually.
35:15
SPEAKER_02: But we have to go case by case here, right?
35:18
SPEAKER_02: Contextual, just as most of the rest of these things are.
35:21
SPEAKER_04: And then another red flag that's a big red flag, and it's one that gets overlooked sometimes is gaslighting.
35:28
SPEAKER_04: So it may be saying you're doing things to make your partner question their sanity, lying, telling you that you forgot something.
35:37
SPEAKER_04: Um, it's accusing you of overreacting or being irrational, calling you crazy, or there's other manipulation tactics that happen here with gaslighting.
35:48
SPEAKER_04: Yellow flags that can happen is they recognize this tendency to gaslight as a defense mechanism.
35:56
SPEAKER_04: So it just might be something that happens in from a childhood trauma or just through relationships.
36:02
SPEAKER_04: I mean, the older that we get in relationships, we have habits that get built to protect ourselves.
36:09
SPEAKER_00: That's right.
36:09
SPEAKER_04: And then it could be, but they're able to demonstrate some effort to change and acknowledge what's happening with the gaslighting.
36:17
SPEAKER_04: A red flag is they deny the behavior and they deflect.
36:21
SPEAKER_04: So this means, nope, I don't do this.
36:24
SPEAKER_04: And that that's one that you really want to look because you really want somebody to gaslight you for the rest of your relationship.
36:31
SPEAKER_02: Right.
36:32
SPEAKER_02: And it over the course of time, like this, the term gaslighting comes from a movie back in, I think it was the 40s or something, when the husband the whole plot is like the husband slowly convincing the wife that she's crazy.
36:42
SPEAKER_02: And I think the, I think it's called gaslight or something like that.
36:45
SPEAKER_02: Anyway, I need to watch that movie.
36:47
SPEAKER_02: I I hear about it enough.
36:49
SPEAKER_02: But um, it's it's pretty wild to watch it happen.
36:52
SPEAKER_02: And I've had I've had it happen in front of me in session where you know, a spouse looks at the therapist and says, Well, you know, he or she just has a terrible memory.
37:00
SPEAKER_02: They don't remember saying or doing things.
37:02
SPEAKER_02: And and it can be the more you hear this stuff, the more you really start to question your sanity.
37:07
SPEAKER_02: And if especially if this is a codependent or toxic relationship, if there's a power imbalance, it makes sense for you to believe them in order to maintain safety and any kind of stability and okayness in the relationship.
37:19
SPEAKER_02: And that can get you into a real tough place really quickly.
37:23
SPEAKER_02: But some people, like you know, like Becca said, some people recognize their tendency as a defense mechanism.
37:29
SPEAKER_02: Like I do this because I feel threatened or I feel insecure or anxious, and I try to deflect, right?
37:34
SPEAKER_02: I try to like get you off my case by turning this around and pointing the blame at you.
37:38
SPEAKER_02: But I recognize it, like, wow, I did that again.
37:40
SPEAKER_02: I'm so sorry.
37:41
SPEAKER_02: Like, let's can I I need to seek some help about this.
37:43
SPEAKER_02: Let me read some stuff, let me maybe see a therapist or just call me out when this happens, hold me accountable.
37:48
SPEAKER_02: But like you said, yeah, denying and deflecting, going, oh, I'm not doing that.
37:52
SPEAKER_02: You're crazy.
37:53
SPEAKER_02: Nope, red flag, big problem.
37:55
SPEAKER_02: Run fast, run far.
37:59
SPEAKER_04: So love bombing can be one of those other red flags within a relationship.
38:03
SPEAKER_04: And this is rapidly, it may be that they are showing affection, gifts, praise, and it's all attempts to gain your trust quickly.
38:13
SPEAKER_04: So, I mean, think about a relationship that's just just starting, and all of a sudden there's lots of gifts and affection and praise, and they're just trying to quickly instead of over the time.
38:23
SPEAKER_04: Oftentimes, this one is present within abusive relationships.
38:27
SPEAKER_04: After some kind of abuse has occurred, there's some kind of love that comes.
38:33
SPEAKER_04: Of abuse happens, gift comes, affirmations come.
38:38
SPEAKER_04: So love bombing is a manipulation tactic.
38:43
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
38:44
SPEAKER_02: And it's, you know, one of those things, like you're talking about abuse, the cycle of abuse is there's an escalation phase, an incident of abuse occurs, right?
38:52
SPEAKER_02: Yell, scream, holler, demeaning language, humiliation.
38:55
SPEAKER_02: So verbal abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, something big, bad happens.
38:59
SPEAKER_02: And then hours or days later, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to.
39:03
SPEAKER_02: I don't know why I'm like this.
39:04
SPEAKER_02: I love you, you're amazing, you're so patient with me.
39:07
SPEAKER_02: Here's this jewelry, here's this, here's this new car, here's this, you know, I've done this for you.
39:12
SPEAKER_02: Like, I'm gonna shower you with affection, gifts, and praise, right?
39:16
SPEAKER_02: Like I am gonna do my best to win you back to me.
39:20
SPEAKER_02: And and I hear this a lot of people in abusive relationships, like, you know, when it's bad, it's absolutely awful.
39:26
SPEAKER_02: But when it's good, it's great.
39:28
SPEAKER_02: And that's what they're talking about, right?
39:30
SPEAKER_02: It's really hard for someone to go, I don't want to give up the jewelry and the praise and the love just because all these bad things are occurring.
39:39
SPEAKER_02: But after a certain point, we we can't allow this escalation to continue because it really, really is dangerous to not only your mental health, but your physical health as well.
39:48
SPEAKER_02: So vulnerable, insecure individuals are particularly susceptible to love bombing.
39:53
SPEAKER_02: So people coming from vulnerable environments, vulnerable childhoods, people who have been abused in the past, um, like very, very a lot of times they come with with wounds, they come with traumas, they come with insecurities into their adult life and to adult relationships.
40:10
SPEAKER_02: And someone comes along and showers them with love.
40:13
SPEAKER_02: Wow, okay.
40:14
SPEAKER_02: You know, I am I this is what I want.
40:16
SPEAKER_02: This seats this meets the need I've never had met, or someone who just fresh out of a relationship, very vulnerable to something like this, especially if the relationship ended poorly.
40:26
SPEAKER_02: But it's not sustainable.
40:27
SPEAKER_02: It's a manipulative tactic, right?
40:28
SPEAKER_02: No one can continue this intense showering of gifts for that long, right?
40:33
SPEAKER_02: Now, I'm not talking about if if if gifts might be, you know, the way you show love, showing affection to someone else doesn't mean you're love bombing them, right?
40:41
SPEAKER_02: This is those things as a as a tactic of manipulation.
40:44
SPEAKER_02: I'm trying to get you to gain trust.
40:46
SPEAKER_02: I want you to need me, I want you to want me.
40:49
SPEAKER_02: And then it's hard to leave something like that because it's so tantalizing and and wonderful to feel in those moments.
40:57
SPEAKER_04: When you talk about a relationship that might be, you might have ended a relationship and you had certain aspects of this that were missing and you don't realize how this love bombing occurs in a new relationship of somebody just wanting to create a quick pace to where the relationship goes.
41:16
SPEAKER_02: Right.
41:16
SPEAKER_02: This is this is um this is a common tactic of people who engage in serial infidelities, right?
41:22
SPEAKER_02: Because, you know, if you're if your primary romantic relationship has become stale and you don't, you know, you don't feel affection from your spouse, you don't feel praise, y'all don't have sex, you all of a sudden you're meeting this new person who's giving you all of that, it's incredibly tempting.
41:39
SPEAKER_02: And that's part of the beauty of it.
41:41
SPEAKER_02: It's it's fantasy and it's wonderful and it's perfect.
41:44
SPEAKER_02: You don't have to deal with the the mundane and the everyday slog of of life and kids and mortgage.
41:49
SPEAKER_02: It's oh, they give me gifts and flowers and chocolates and they tell me how wonderful I am and amazing I am.
41:54
SPEAKER_02: That's hard to resist.
41:56
SPEAKER_02: That's really hard to resist.
41:57
SPEAKER_02: And unfortunately, people who do this, they get really good at it.
42:01
SPEAKER_02: And so they can go from one vulnerable person to another preying on these people who are vulnerable.
42:07
SPEAKER_02: And it's it's pretty devastating.
42:10
SPEAKER_04: It's devastating and it's sad, but it's like if you think about some of the movies or shows that ever have a guy or a girl that's the a serial cheater, and they buy that one gift and they buy that same gift for all people that they're seeing.
42:30
SPEAKER_04: It's like they're really just using the same tactic over and over around them.
42:35
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
42:36
SPEAKER_02: Because it's working for them.
42:37
SPEAKER_04: It's working, and but it's not a healthy thing.
42:40
SPEAKER_02: Right, right.
42:41
SPEAKER_02: And so it can be kind of difficult.
42:43
SPEAKER_02: You know, you might be listening to this thinking, oh my gosh, like my my partner does these sorts of things for me.
42:48
SPEAKER_02: Like they give me lots of praise and affection and gifts, especially in the beginning of a relationship.
42:52
SPEAKER_02: This is kind of normal.
42:52
SPEAKER_02: So, how am I supposed to be able to tell the difference between love bombing and a normal level of affection, gifts, and praise?
43:00
SPEAKER_02: And so a good way to look at that is sort of asking yourself, how what impact is this having on the rest of my relationships?
43:06
SPEAKER_02: Right?
43:06
SPEAKER_02: What impact is this having on my life?
43:08
SPEAKER_02: Is are these things leading me to feel as if I am in any kind of debt to this person?
43:15
SPEAKER_02: Right?
43:15
SPEAKER_02: Well, they gave me all these gifts.
43:17
SPEAKER_02: I don't feel like I can say no when they ask me for this, or I feel like I owe them these things, or it's starting to cause you to do or feel or say things that maybe you don't believe are right or okay or unacceptable.
43:30
SPEAKER_02: So, like asking yourself, is this causing me to violate my sense of identity and my sense of rightness and morality and okayness?
43:38
SPEAKER_02: Or not, right?
43:39
SPEAKER_02: If it's not, then maybe that's not what we're dealing with.
43:41
SPEAKER_02: But love bombing pulls you away from yourself and absorbs you into that person, right?
43:46
SPEAKER_02: You become the prey to their predator.
43:48
SPEAKER_02: And so looking for things like that are key when it comes to differentiating those two things.
43:54
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
43:54
SPEAKER_04: And it's it's no, hey, it's going back to knowing yourself, knowing what it is that you.
44:01
SPEAKER_04: Need at the core of yourself, and that takes some evaluation.
44:06
SPEAKER_04: So one of our other red flags can be bread crumbing.
44:10
SPEAKER_04: What is bread crumbing?
44:12
SPEAKER_02: So I like this phrase because it's it's very visual and uh to I am.
44:18
SPEAKER_02: Um so it leads the partner on with these sort of tiny crumbs of encouragement or hope that's designed to keep them in the relationship, but they never fully commit or connect, right?
44:26
SPEAKER_02: So like maybe maybe partner A is beginning to think that maybe this isn't going anywhere.
44:31
SPEAKER_02: Maybe I start wanting to separate.
44:33
SPEAKER_02: And so we start pulling away emotionally, and then partner B drops a crumb, like, oh, I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with anybody but you.
44:40
SPEAKER_02: Oh, okay.
44:41
SPEAKER_02: Well, partner A kind of comes scooching back over, but we don't hear anything else about that.
44:45
SPEAKER_02: And then over the course of time, we kind of continue, continue, and this one starts to grow again.
44:49
SPEAKER_02: And just as things are start to separate more permanently, partner B drops another breadcrumb and draws them back in, right?
44:56
SPEAKER_02: So it's it's one of those things designed to just keep them going long enough to keep the relationship alive, but it doesn't actually deepen.
45:03
SPEAKER_02: There's no true emotional intimacy, there's no commitment.
45:06
SPEAKER_02: It's really exhausting for partner A, like it's exhausting for the partner that's being led on long term.
45:11
SPEAKER_02: And it can be one of the hardest things to break out of because it doesn't necessarily mean there's a lot of damaging behaviors in the relationship.
45:17
SPEAKER_02: Breadcrumbing can happen in abusive relationships, love bombing, toxic, that sort of thing.
45:21
SPEAKER_02: But it can also be in just your sort of standard normal relationship, but nobody's committing, right?
45:27
SPEAKER_02: Like I want to commit to you, but you're not willing to commit to me.
45:30
SPEAKER_02: And it can be one of the more insidious things to kind of recognize this is happening.
45:34
SPEAKER_02: I need to end this relationship.
45:36
SPEAKER_04: Well, and breadcrumbing can come from asking somebody to make certain changes, and then as they make those changes and they do what you ask for your relationship to maintain, and then adding more and adding more and adding like you they they do the things you ask them to, and then you keep adding and you keep changing what you're asking for your relationship to be worked on or have that healthy aspect, or right whatever that goal is y'all are working towards.
46:08
SPEAKER_04: Of if you ask for XYZ, they do XYZ, and then you add ABC to it.
46:16
SPEAKER_02: Right.
46:16
SPEAKER_02: Like the carrot on the end of the stick, right?
46:18
SPEAKER_02: It's always just out of reach.
46:20
SPEAKER_04: Here's the carrot, come follow.
46:22
SPEAKER_04: Oh, oops, sorry.
46:23
SPEAKER_04: No, not yet.
46:24
SPEAKER_02: This next will be it for sure.
46:27
SPEAKER_04: Very much so.
46:29
SPEAKER_04: So it's also avoidance of conflict.
46:31
SPEAKER_04: Someone who cannot or will not address some issues, it can cause conflict that makes it very difficult to resolve issues between partners.
46:40
SPEAKER_04: Because when we talk about healthy versus unhealthy relationships, that does not mean that you fight less in a healthy relationship.
46:47
SPEAKER_04: You you may fight just them out or have conflict just the same as an unhealthy couple, but what makes the difference is how you handle it.
46:56
SPEAKER_04: And so if y'all are willing to handle the conflict, that's where it becomes a red flag and an unhealthy thing.
47:04
SPEAKER_02: Right.
47:04
SPEAKER_02: Because then we we end up with emotional distance, it erodes intimacy.
47:08
SPEAKER_02: We've got well, people walking on eggshells.
47:10
SPEAKER_02: I'm afraid to say this because they always shut down and run away, or they freak out when I try to mention something like this.
47:16
SPEAKER_02: But this is really important to me, breeds resentment.
47:20
SPEAKER_02: We don't really feel like we're on a team.
47:21
SPEAKER_02: I feel like you're this person who's in this relationship or even in this house with me, but I don't feel like we're actually able to talk about and deal with anything together.
47:29
SPEAKER_02: And that's a that's a big problem.
47:31
SPEAKER_02: And that can cause a lot of loneliness and heartache the the further down the line.
47:35
SPEAKER_04: Oh yeah, because if if you avoid conflict as y'all are first, and I guess this could go back to when you are, it can go on to friendships, but in a partnership, if they avoid conflict in the beginning of your relationship, it's not going to get better once you add marriage and kids on top of that.
47:54
SPEAKER_04: If that's our headed, it it really won't.
47:58
SPEAKER_04: And then in a friendship, if they're avoidant of conflicts that y'all have, you may not be able to resolve it for that friendship to continue.
48:06
SPEAKER_02: That's true.
48:07
SPEAKER_02: And if we think about back to what we're talking about earlier about the dopamine that releases in the beginning of a relationship, that a lot of times can override the need to find conflict in the beginning of a relationship, which is why if you're in a relationship for a little bit longer, you have more of an opportunity to truly get to know your partner once the flush of dopamine has faded a little bit.
48:26
SPEAKER_02: I mean, I remember sitting with my husband when we're four months into dating and being, I know this is a ridiculous thing to say, but I can't imagine ever being that mad at you, right?
48:35
SPEAKER_02: Like we've been dating for four months.
48:36
SPEAKER_02: Like my body is awash in dopamine.
48:39
SPEAKER_02: Like I am just loving this.
48:41
SPEAKER_02: And he's like, I know, I know we're gonna fight one day, but I have a hard time imagining that.
48:45
SPEAKER_02: And now we look back on that and laugh, right?
48:47
SPEAKER_02: Because of course, I mean, I was a therapist in training at the time and I knew, I knew that this was gonna fade, but I just enjoyed it while it lasted.
48:55
SPEAKER_02: So great.
48:56
SPEAKER_02: But if you've only, you know, if you're in a relationship with someone for five or six months and then you choose to invent with them, you choose to elope, get married, you know, like you jump into a big commitment, you may not have been in a relationship long enough to really have a lot of conflict arise.
49:10
SPEAKER_02: You don't know how they're gonna handle it, or if they choose to handle it at all.
49:13
SPEAKER_02: And that can cause some pretty serious issues down the line for sure.
49:16
SPEAKER_04: Oh, I can remember when my husband and I were had first started dating and we were working through a book.
49:24
SPEAKER_04: I don't remember exactly what it is.
49:26
SPEAKER_04: We decided ultimately it didn't help us at all.
49:28
SPEAKER_04: But the book, but when we first were doing it, it was like we we know that some of these conflicts are gonna arise.
49:35
SPEAKER_04: We haven't been in a relationship long enough to have them.
49:40
SPEAKER_04: So it's very hard for it to be an applicable thing.
49:43
SPEAKER_04: And even when we tried to do it a few years in and had had some of the applicable, it was like this still doesn't help.
49:49
SPEAKER_04: Like it didn't help us.
49:51
SPEAKER_04: And so it's finding what helps you in a conflict.
49:54
SPEAKER_04: How do you address it?
49:56
SPEAKER_04: But if it's an avoidance to address it, that's definitely something that's not going to change without active work from both people.
50:05
SPEAKER_02: Right.
50:06
SPEAKER_02: Which addressing a conflict avoidance means not avoiding the conflict, right?
50:12
SPEAKER_02: So, like the the problem is the antidote, which puts a lot of people in a really difficult position.
50:17
SPEAKER_02: And so I'll get people who come in who've been married for decades who have avoided conflict the whole time.
50:23
SPEAKER_02: And now we're in a pretty serious spot because things have gotten really poor and no one's talked about it.
50:30
SPEAKER_02: And it's it's really sad, and one of the it's a very heartbreaking place to be because that's all that's a long, that's a long road back.
50:37
SPEAKER_02: Very, very possible when it happens all the time, but it's a long, hard road back.
50:41
SPEAKER_02: So, you know, recognizing early on in the relationship, hey, every time I try to bring up something that's bothering or upsetting me, this person runs in the other direction.
50:49
SPEAKER_02: That might be a problem.
50:50
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, because picking up the corner of the rug, sweeping it under it, and putting it down doesn't mean that that dust is still not under the rug when you go.
50:59
SPEAKER_04: That's right.
51:00
SPEAKER_02: That's right.
51:00
SPEAKER_02: And I might be able to avoid this conflict or or swallow this or put it to the side or sweep it away now.
51:08
SPEAKER_02: But what about a few years from now when the toddler's screaming and the baby's crying and there's poop everywhere and somebody's got to go to work and all these other things in life that have changed and become different and more difficult in so many ways?
51:20
SPEAKER_02: Okay, well, now would be a good time to be able to have these kinds of conversations because I have a lot less patience now than I did back then when everything was rosy.
51:29
SPEAKER_02: So pay attention, folks.
51:31
SPEAKER_02: Pay attention.
51:33
SPEAKER_04: So it's a refusal to accept responsibility for wrongdoings or hurt done to others, is one of those other red flags.
51:40
SPEAKER_04: And that plays right into conflict.
51:43
SPEAKER_04: But it's this type of person, they can be dangerous because they're often going to justify any behaviors they have without acknowledging the consequences to others.
51:55
SPEAKER_04: This one's a red flag.
51:56
SPEAKER_04: If they can't acknowledge or take responsibility for something they did wrong, whether it was not bad or whatever it was, if they can't take some responsibility for it, it's it's not a good time for you.
52:10
SPEAKER_02: That's right.
52:11
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, this is definitely a red flag only situation.
52:14
SPEAKER_02: And you know, this is a lot of times, I'll tell people this when they come into therapy.
52:18
SPEAKER_02: Like the what people will ask me sometimes, what you know, do are we gonna do well?
52:23
SPEAKER_02: Like, is this gonna do what do you think?
52:24
SPEAKER_02: But do you have hope for us?
52:26
SPEAKER_02: Um, what makes a good candidate for therapy?
52:28
SPEAKER_02: And and one thing I say over and over again is the try to and the want to, right?
52:34
SPEAKER_02: If you want to work, which means acknowledging that you've messed up and that you've hurt other people, that you've done some things that were wrong, that's what it takes for growth to occur.
52:45
SPEAKER_02: If we can't acknowledge those things, then that is that is a huge risk, right?
52:51
SPEAKER_02: Like, well, I, you know, I hit your car.
52:53
SPEAKER_02: Well, I'm you shouldn't have parked it there, right?
52:56
SPEAKER_02: Um, you yelled and screamed at me when you got home from work.
52:59
SPEAKER_02: Well, you should have had the house clean when I got home from work, right?
53:02
SPEAKER_02: Uh no, you chose to yell and scream, right?
53:06
SPEAKER_02: You chose to hit someone, you chose to say this comment, you chose to do these things.
53:11
SPEAKER_02: This kind of person doesn't allow themselves to be touched.
53:13
SPEAKER_02: There can be no emotional intimacy here because there is no mutual exchange of vulnerability.
53:18
SPEAKER_02: This person refuses to allow themselves to be vulnerable by admitting that they did something wrong or that they can hurt someone else.
53:24
SPEAKER_02: And this a relationship with a person like that can get very toxic very quickly.
53:29
SPEAKER_02: And it's it's it's a really that's that's a common quality of people who are abusive.
53:34
SPEAKER_02: And um, and for when someone comes into therapy and one one half of the relationship is a person like this, it almost invariably ends in like they they don't make any progress in therapy, you know, that it's very difficult for any movement to occur when someone has this attitude.
53:54
SPEAKER_04: And then continuing violation of boundaries.
53:58
SPEAKER_04: So if you missed the boundaries episode that we talked about earlier, go back and listen to what your boundaries should look like.
54:06
SPEAKER_04: But if someone constantly pushes and violates what your boundaries are, then you really need to evaluate it.
54:14
SPEAKER_04: And if it definitely happens in the beginning of a friendship, a romantic relationship, then you might want to try to put a stop to that relationship before you do become too attached.
54:27
SPEAKER_04: And it it's harder.
54:28
SPEAKER_04: Sometimes in the beginning of a relationship, it's it's hard, but it's not really hard to leave that relationship.
54:37
SPEAKER_04: But the more you let it go, the harder it becomes.
54:40
SPEAKER_04: So if somebody is plowing right through your boundaries to start with, you need to be aware of that.
54:46
SPEAKER_02: That's right.
54:46
SPEAKER_02: And a good way of a good way of looking at this is to use physical example of boundaries because those are the easiest to see, right?
54:53
SPEAKER_02: If if you tell someone on your first date that you're typically not comfortable being physical, kissing, holding hands until the second or third date, and at the end of the first date they try to kiss you.
55:05
SPEAKER_02: Whoa there, house, chill out, man.
55:07
SPEAKER_02: Or woman, right?
55:09
SPEAKER_02: Like back up.
55:10
SPEAKER_02: Like, I just told you this, and this is what you did, right?
55:14
SPEAKER_02: I don't like it when um, you know, people come over to my house without asking and then they show up unannounced.
55:20
SPEAKER_02: No.
55:21
SPEAKER_02: So that's either blatant disregard or it's intentional manipulative pushing, right?
55:27
SPEAKER_02: How far can I push that person?
55:29
SPEAKER_02: Will they actually stand up against me?
55:31
SPEAKER_02: And that's pretty insidious, that's pretty malicious, and that's predatory.
55:35
SPEAKER_02: So if even if it's just blatant disregard, right?
55:39
SPEAKER_02: And they're just they're not doing it to be mean, they're just doing it because they they haven't cared enough to pay attention to what your boundaries are, still red flags everywhere.
55:47
SPEAKER_02: Um, another red flag would be if they're pretty defensive of their technology.
55:51
SPEAKER_02: So, what I mean by that is like a lack of openness with social media, their technology, they don't leave their phone laying around, everything's locked, you don't have passwords to anything.
56:00
SPEAKER_02: Now, I'm not I'm not a proponent of going through your partner's social media and technology without asking a bunch all the time, because that's disrespectful to them.
56:09
SPEAKER_02: That's that sows seeds of distrust and can hurt somebody's feelings, right?
56:14
SPEAKER_02: That doesn't feel very good.
56:16
SPEAKER_02: But I always encourage, especially in this technological age, for us to be open with our with our technology with each other, right?
56:24
SPEAKER_02: You should have access to it, but we should hopefully trust each other enough you don't have to use it, right?
56:34
SPEAKER_02: Right, right.
56:35
SPEAKER_02: Like if if I I should be able to tell you, hey, here's you know, here's the password to my phone, or I have your face saved on my phone so it'll unlock when it sees you.
56:46
SPEAKER_02: Um and all you can log into all my social media from there.
56:49
SPEAKER_02: If like that's but I shouldn't want to have to do that, right?
56:53
SPEAKER_02: Like there should be enough trust in a relationship.
56:55
SPEAKER_02: I should have enough maturity to feel like I don't need to violate those boundaries very often, or to violate those boundaries without asking.
57:01
SPEAKER_02: Um, now if they're saying, no, you don't, now I'm not gonna give you, I don't give anybody the password to my phone, or no, don't go on my computer, or you know, no, my this is my social media, you don't need to be in it.
57:11
SPEAKER_02: Like that's I have difficulty with that.
57:13
SPEAKER_02: Like that, that is definitely a yellow and red flag for me.
57:16
SPEAKER_02: I'm like, are you hiding something here?
57:18
SPEAKER_02: What is it that you don't feel honest about?
57:20
SPEAKER_02: Is there a reason you feel very defensive and protective of this?
57:23
SPEAKER_02: And if there is, we need to talk about why that is.
57:25
SPEAKER_04: Well, and it can this is where it can be uh, let's have a discussion because it could just be that they had that previous relationship that abused, and so it may be no, I set this boundary so that I protected myself because of what we used in the past.
57:40
SPEAKER_04: So it may be something that you very much could work through and not do like not be a big problem, but if it's not something they're willing to work for, I mean, one can be an example of if they have an ex on social media that they're not willing to unfriend or not communicate with, that can be a big flag because I mean that sets you up for some some bad things.
58:05
SPEAKER_04: I mean, it's it's not one of those.
58:07
SPEAKER_04: Now, I I think that some of that example can just be more of an ex because if that ex is a co-parent, that totally changes what the scenario is.
58:17
SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
58:18
SPEAKER_04: And so I think that it's it it comes with you have to communicate, it comes with what that looks like for your communication.
58:26
SPEAKER_04: And I think that this is a very personal relational decision of how does it interact in y'all's life?
58:35
SPEAKER_04: How do you allow it to be present?
58:38
SPEAKER_04: And if you're fine with them being friends with an ex and it really isn't a big deal, then that's fine.
58:44
SPEAKER_04: But if you've asked them and you're not comfortable with it and they still choose to have conversations with them, that could be a problem, right?
58:52
SPEAKER_02: Because that's that's an indicator that what they prefer is more important than what you need.
58:59
SPEAKER_02: And and that's another conversation, that's a deeper conversation.
59:02
SPEAKER_02: Um, I mean, like you said, like with all of these, a lot of this is well, with not all of them with the with exceptions, um with several of these, it's very case by case, right?
59:11
SPEAKER_02: Some things might be very normative in certain relationships or cultures and be okay.
59:17
SPEAKER_02: And some of these are very, very, very, very not.
59:20
SPEAKER_02: So asking questions, talking these things through, and figuring out if your personal comfort level with these things moving forward is important, with exceptions, things like violence and boundary violation and all that.
59:31
SPEAKER_04: I mean, when you talk about the technology, it can in social media, if they're commenting, liking a post, that is very different than y'all having in-depth emotional conversations over messenger.
59:43
SPEAKER_05: Sure.
59:44
SPEAKER_04: But I mean, that could be a okay, yeah, you can be friends with them, but let's not have private messages with them.
59:51
SPEAKER_02: Right.
59:52
SPEAKER_02: Which, you know, again, case by case basis, there are some spouses which they're like, you never like or comment on my stuff, but you like or comment on hers.
1:00:00
SPEAKER_02: That's an issue for me, right?
1:00:02
SPEAKER_02: So what what is y'all's culture?
1:00:05
SPEAKER_02: What is y'all's in the individual and couple culture around these things and making sure that we're honoring each other's needs, boundaries, and expectations around them is the most important thing at the end of the day.
1:00:15
SPEAKER_04: And it's how does somebody use technology?
1:00:18
SPEAKER_04: I'm on social media way more than my husband is.
1:00:21
SPEAKER_04: And he he asked me one time, he goes, Do you care that I don't post or do things?
1:00:26
SPEAKER_04: And he would delete his social media, but he sends me funny videos, and I was like, But I like the funny videos.
1:00:35
SPEAKER_01: Yes, we do.
1:00:36
SPEAKER_04: So he's like, Okay, but it's just uh you it's like you said, you gotta figure out what works for y'all.
1:00:43
SPEAKER_04: And it's different, it's different for everybody.
1:00:46
SPEAKER_00: That's right.
1:00:47
SPEAKER_04: So rudeness or disrespect to your friends, your family, or even just a random acquaintance, that can also be a red flag and an indicator for you.
1:00:57
SPEAKER_02: Right, for sure.
1:00:59
SPEAKER_02: And we talked about that a little bit earlier with regards to how they treat other people who might be of a different social status than them, um, disrespectful to their friends, or they, you know, talk wonderfully to the person's face, and then y'all walk away and they're like, oh my gosh, that person is the worst.
1:01:13
SPEAKER_02: Like, and they run them down.
1:01:14
SPEAKER_02: And you know, how what's where's their integrity?
1:01:17
SPEAKER_02: Right?
1:01:17
SPEAKER_02: Like, how do they how do they behave with regards to these people?
1:01:20
SPEAKER_02: Um, or they do they disrespect them to their face and all that stuff.
1:01:24
SPEAKER_02: So pay definite attention to that.
1:01:25
SPEAKER_02: And and last one we have listed here is lying or dishonesty.
1:01:30
SPEAKER_02: And this has been threaded through a lot of these other things, but it's a big one.
1:01:34
SPEAKER_02: If if someone has difficulty being honest with you, there could be reasons for that, right?
1:01:38
SPEAKER_02: We talk about past, we talk about history, but at the end of the day, this is a choice they're making in the present.
1:01:44
SPEAKER_02: If they if they refuse to be honest with you, if they're hiding things, if they're even just having trouble like little white lies throughout the day on an ongoing basis after you've told them to stop, this is a problem because relationships are hard.
1:01:57
SPEAKER_02: Marriage is hard, like these, and they're hard enough without trying to pick through and analyze okay, was that the truth or was that a lie?
1:02:03
SPEAKER_02: If I can't trust your word, where do we stand?
1:02:06
SPEAKER_02: And and that's a big issue down the line.
1:02:09
SPEAKER_04: Well, and lying and dishonesty also comes along with wait, you told me this story this way this time, you told me a the same story, but a different version.
1:02:20
SPEAKER_04: Oh, and then wait, you told me a different way a third time?
1:02:23
SPEAKER_04: Like you're lying, never is gonna work out for you, it's always gonna show up.
1:02:28
SPEAKER_04: You can't remember the story that you said, right?
1:02:31
SPEAKER_04: Honestly, it's just gonna give you the better hand up on it.
1:02:35
SPEAKER_02: Right.
1:02:35
SPEAKER_02: There's no productive value to lying, like there's just not it, it there's not a yellow flag sort of area here.
1:02:42
SPEAKER_02: It's no, they have a problem with lying, and this is a this is a big deal.
1:02:47
SPEAKER_04: So all of these red and yellow flags, romantic relationships can be important to see someone in a variety of situations before you choose to marry them.
1:02:58
SPEAKER_04: Because once you get married, you add in another layer of of having to go through to get out.
1:03:05
SPEAKER_04: But you you want to see them in a variety of situations to really see how they handle and if these are red flags or if they're flags that you can work for.
1:03:15
SPEAKER_04: And then remembering that even though something might be hard to walk away from, it might be better than living in an unhealthy state continually within a relationship.
1:03:29
SPEAKER_04: So it's also at any time in a relationship, it when one ends, you want to take a moment to be there.
1:03:38
SPEAKER_04: Look at the red flags, choose, see if you overlooked any because you might have loved this person or you just didn't want to be lonely anymore.
1:03:48
SPEAKER_04: But one of the beauties that I have found in the time when a relationship closes is to fully find closure by evaluating who you were and what you did and presented as red flags or yellow flags throughout the relationship.
1:04:04
SPEAKER_04: Not what they did, what you did that caused it to come to an end.
1:04:08
SPEAKER_04: And it's taking some complete responsibility for what your actions were that create to create a healthier version of yourself moving forward so that you can take what you did as yellow and red flags and make it better for your next relationship.
1:04:23
SPEAKER_02: That's right.
1:04:24
SPEAKER_02: And and we've talked about these this, you know, this long list of red flags, and there's more that we haven't mentioned here, right?
1:04:29
SPEAKER_02: We could go on for days, but we've talked about a lot of these, just framing them from the perspective of viewing them in your partner, but we are capable of these as well, right?
1:04:38
SPEAKER_02: So if you find yourself violating the boundaries of others, if you find yourself lying or being disrespectful or rude, or any of the things that we've talked about in the last 30 minutes, or being avoidant of conflict, any of that, like this is this is something that we absolutely need to assess in ourselves.
1:04:52
SPEAKER_02: And what damage is this causing in my current relationships?
1:04:55
SPEAKER_02: Is this inhibiting my ability to have a long-term healthy relationship?
1:04:59
SPEAKER_02: Is this can I look back in the in my relationship history and do I see a wake of destruction, right?
1:05:05
SPEAKER_02: Like, are there things that I have done that have tanked these relationships for one reason or another?
1:05:10
SPEAKER_02: Maybe, maybe not.
1:05:11
SPEAKER_02: Maybe we just picked a series of very poor individuals, right?
1:05:15
SPEAKER_02: Very, very poor relationship partners.
1:05:17
SPEAKER_02: It happens.
1:05:18
SPEAKER_02: Um, and if that's the case, why?
1:05:20
SPEAKER_02: Right?
1:05:21
SPEAKER_04: Which can be the case of why why did I choose these same patterns?
1:05:25
SPEAKER_04: And so it's one of those things I really believe strongly in is pause and evaluate, even if it means that you're lonely for a bit.
1:05:35
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
1:05:35
SPEAKER_02: Yes, it's better to be alone in a healthy place than together with someone who's very unhealthy.
1:05:42
SPEAKER_04: And bonding over traumas and traumatic, and it it it happens, but it may not help you get to a healthy version of you.
1:05:52
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, not always great.
1:05:56
SPEAKER_04: So the third topic topic is Seeking and building practices for a healthy attitude and behaviors in our relationship.
1:06:05
SPEAKER_04: So this is, you may have to identify with some of the items that we mentioned above.
1:06:11
SPEAKER_04: So, like we've said, don't panic.
1:06:13
SPEAKER_04: There is a way to move forward.
1:06:15
SPEAKER_04: What's the first way that we can move forward?
1:06:18
SPEAKER_02: So, like we've already said and we've touched on before, take some time to reflect.
1:06:21
SPEAKER_02: So reflect on the behaviors you're concerned about in both yourself and your relationship partner.
1:06:26
SPEAKER_02: And we're talking romantic, professional, friend, family, or anything else.
1:06:30
SPEAKER_02: Journaling and writing out your thoughts might really help you articulate what you want to say, especially if you're not accustomed to listening to your own voice.
1:06:37
SPEAKER_02: And if you've had a history of relationships with codependent or toxic elements, you probably really haven't made it a habit to listen to yourself and what you think and need.
1:06:47
SPEAKER_02: So being intentional about listening for your own voice and listening for your own joys and your own pains and your own needs will really help you out here.
1:06:56
SPEAKER_02: So this can also help you make shifts and changes in yourself moving forward.
1:07:00
SPEAKER_02: So secondly, ask yourself if it's productive, feasible, and safe to have this conversation with your partner, right?
1:07:07
SPEAKER_02: If not, not if it's hard or comfortable or intimidating or not, if I just don't want to, but is is this going to hurt me if I do this, right?
1:07:15
SPEAKER_02: Is this going to put me at risk of physical harm?
1:07:18
SPEAKER_02: Is this going to be seriously non-productive, right?
1:07:22
SPEAKER_02: They're going to get really, really upset and nothing's going to change or it's going to make things worse.
1:07:26
SPEAKER_02: If the answer is yes, it is productive, feasible, and safe to have this conversation, even if it's going to be tough, then let's just make a plan to do so.
1:07:34
SPEAKER_02: If the answer is no, if it is non-productive, if it's not feasible and if it's unsafe to have this conversation, then this is officially classified as an unhealthy or even unsafe relationship.
1:07:46
SPEAKER_02: If you cannot have an honest, respectful conversation in your relationship, then that relationship is severely unbalanced and will probably have negative consequences in your life long term.
1:07:55
SPEAKER_02: So if leaving the relationship will put you at physical risk, it's even more important that you do leave, but only if you can do so safely.
1:08:02
SPEAKER_02: So please seek resources to help you contact your local domestic violence center and they can help you identify next steps, legal alternatives, legal resources for you.
1:08:11
SPEAKER_02: Very, very important.
1:08:13
SPEAKER_02: Third, have a conversation with your partner or a friend about your concerns.
1:08:17
SPEAKER_02: So express that I want to preserve and grow our relationship.
1:08:20
SPEAKER_02: I want these things to get better.
1:08:22
SPEAKER_02: And I would like for us for y'all for us to work together.
1:08:24
SPEAKER_02: I want you to work with me to help make things better.
1:08:26
SPEAKER_02: So work together to set goals for your relationship.
1:08:29
SPEAKER_02: And fourth, make an actionable plan to work toward your goals.
1:08:32
SPEAKER_02: So there's several ways you can kind of help make this happen.
1:08:35
SPEAKER_02: One, you know, you can help seek the aid of a qualified therapist, even for friendships, right?
1:08:39
SPEAKER_02: We think about it in context of couple relationships, but people come in because of a parent-child relationship, adult parent-child relationship.
1:08:46
SPEAKER_02: I'm having trouble with my friendships, that kind of thing.
1:08:49
SPEAKER_02: We do that all the time.
1:08:50
SPEAKER_02: Then invest in additional individual and couple friendships because too much pressure and focus on one relationship, especially if it's in an unhealthy place, can rob us of the support we need to actually improve that relationship.
1:09:03
SPEAKER_02: It helps combat codependent tendencies.
1:09:06
SPEAKER_02: And wise friends can really help and offer support and hold us accountable when we need it.
1:09:10
SPEAKER_02: Also make sure to take time of yourself, take time to take care of yourself, invest in your hobbies, make sure your physical health is taken care of, go to the dentist, get good sleep, eat healthy food, and then intentionally plan time to spend together to nurture and improve your relationship.
1:09:24
SPEAKER_02: So finally, regularly pay attention to these, do maintenance on your relationships regularly.
1:09:29
SPEAKER_02: We cut our grass every week or two during the summer.
1:09:32
SPEAKER_02: We take our car in to be serviced once or twice a year.
1:09:34
SPEAKER_02: Relationships require maintenance too.
1:09:36
SPEAKER_02: Take notice if something seems to be struggling and then give it the attention it needs to be repaired.
1:09:42
SPEAKER_04: So this is when you go back to taking an investment on yourself, it's really understanding who you are.
1:09:48
SPEAKER_04: So it's understanding who you are at the core of what makes you healthy and that will help you understand it and all these other avenues.
1:09:58
SPEAKER_04: So we hope that you understand what red flags can be, how you can identify some ones that are common red and yellow flags, and then how you might be able to turn them into a healthy attitude and behavior.
1:10:11
SPEAKER_04: So the call to action is that you are in control of your life.
1:10:19
SPEAKER_04: If you are your if your relationship is causing you concern or even is in crisis, you have the power to move forward to a healthy way.
1:10:28
SPEAKER_04: So it's reach out, seek the resources you need, and step forward in a healthy relationship that are life-giving and worth working for.
1:10:37
SPEAKER_04: So thank you guys for tuning in to our red flags and relationships podcast.
1:10:45
SPEAKER_04: That brings us to the end of this episode of Stacked Intent.
1:10:49
SPEAKER_04: If you love this episode as much as I did, head on over and rate and subscribe so you'll never miss an episode.
1:10:57
SPEAKER_04: New episodes are going to be dropped on Thursdays.
1:11:00
SPEAKER_04: Until then, this is Becca, and don't forget, enrich your life by being intentional.
1:11:08
SPEAKER_04: This podcast was created, produced, and recorded, and edited by Stack Tinted.