Latest / The Reformed Tired Girls Club Podcast / The One Where My Dad Talked Sh*t About Me on the Internet
Transcript
- Heather Copfer: Hi you guys, welcome back to another episode of the Reformed Tired Girls Club podcast. As per usual, I'm your host, Heather. And if you like this episode, love this episode, and want to comment, like, subscribe, leave me a review, anything that tickles your fancy really helps me, helps the podcast. And I really, really appreciate it. Appreciate you. And without further ado, let's get into today's episode where we're gonna be talking about boundaries. Mm-hmm. We're gonna be talking about boundaries. And when you finally get to a point, you know, for your sanity and for the sake of your health, that you start setting those boundaries. There are gonna be some people who are not gonna like it. They are not gonna like it. And you know, it can take a while to get to this point. And you know, setting boundaries is so much easier said than done. Take it from me. But that's okay. But the fact of the matter is Is that your body cannot heal in the environment that made it sick in the first place? Okay, your body cannot heal in chronic fight or flight when it's stuck in the sympathetic nervous system. It needs to move over into the parasympathetic nervous system. Okay. And you know, for me, the environment that kept me stuck in chronic fight or flight that kept me stressed the hell out was my childhood home. It's unfortunate, but that's just my story. Part of this whole podcast is sharing my story and sharing these experiences. And today I have quite an interesting story regarding boundaries and when I exercised my right to set said boundaries. And like I said, people aren't gonna like it. And I can tell you, my father sure as shit did not like it. And you know, for me, once I was an adult and I was removed from From the situation, I had moved out. I wasn't living at home anymore. And I realized that I'm an adult and I can make my own choices and I have agency, full agency over my life. I was like, ⁓ I don't have to put myself in those situations anymore. I don't have to even have a relationship with those people anymore if I choose not to. And it was like this light bulb moment where I'm like, ⁓ yeah, no, we're not gonna be entertaining that anymore. And you know, sometimes it takes being out of a toxic environment, out of a toxic situation, to realize and to have that light bulb moment of, ⁓ I don't have to put up with this anymore. ⁓ I can set boundaries. ⁓ I can put myself first and put my health first and my sanity first. And it really doesn't matter about what. the other people in this situation have to say about it. And you know, you start you start to realize like, ⁓ living in that had such a negative impact on me. Drastically negative impact on me. And ⁓ yeah, no thanks. No thanks. I don't need that anymore. I don't want that anymore. So when I had this realization, ⁓ it was around Thanksgiving and I was like, ⁓ yeah. Hell no. No more holidays. No more holidays. Not entertaining that. Nope. No, no Thanksgiving dinner. Nope. And I'm gonna start distancing myself, especially specifically from my father. And so when I didn't show up back home for Thanksgiving, and this was hmm, I wanna say it was back in two thousand and nineteen. Eighteen. Two thousand eighteen. Yeah, I was like, nope, I no more Thanksgiving, no more holidays, nope, not going. mm, hm. ⁓ that set my father off. It set him off. You know, I was living with ⁓ my friend at the time, and I don't think he was home, but I get a call from my cousins, and my cousins they live in Iowa, and I'm very close with them. I get a call from them, and first thing my cousin goes is she's like, Did you see what your dad posted about you on Facebook? And I was like, No. What you talking about? And she's like, go look at his Facebook. Go on Facebook. I don't see anything on his profile. And I'm like, I don't know what you're talking about. I don't see anything. I don't see any posts about me. And she's like, Okay, let me screenshot it and I'll send it to you. So it turns out he blocked me on Facebook. And so I I look at what my cousin sent me, and ⁓ by the way, I came with receipts today. You better believe I screenshotted that because it was so insane to me. I'm like, what is this is this for real? So essentially my father made a post on Facebook. He said that he was very disappointed that his daughter didn't even bother to call or show up. And the fact that all of these other adults jumped in on this post and also started talking shit about me. And saying these things about me. They don't even know me. And then my father started saying things about me and things that he has done for me that weren't even true. That weren't even true. So let's let's let's call on the receipts. Cause I just I just I can't believe I'm telling this story because how bizarre it was at the time is still how bizarre it is today. So, like I said, he posted like a paragraph talking on Thanksgiving and then in capped it with ⁓ very disappointed that our daughter didn't even bother to call or show up. And this woman commented saying that I was an asshole and that my father and my mother should just be a team against the jerks. Me, I'm the asshole, I'm the jerk. And then another person was like, It's so sad. It's so sad that your daughter has fallen away from your family. To which my father responds saying, Yeah, it's sad and a shame. We have bent over backwards to help and support her. We have always been there for her. We've done nothing but give, give, give, give. And then he tells this person that he paid for several years of my college, which is not true. I paid for community college all on my own, you guys. And I also paid for university. I also made monthly payments and I had to take out loans and I'm still paying back my student loans. So tell me how he paid for my college. He didn't pay for my college. But he's telling people he's paid for several years of my college. So funny, so funny, I don't remember that. And then he also says that I have disowned him for the past ten plus years. Given, let's keep in mind, this was in 2018, so ten years prior to 2018 is 2008 when I was 13 years old. So apparently I disowned him starting when I was 13. When I was living at home when I was in high school, middle school, high school, middle school, freshman year. I don't know. But apparently I started disowning him at that point. So that's crazy. That was news to me. But it was just so insane to me that because I chose not to spend Thanksgiving with them, it led to My father making a post about me on Facebook and then all of these strangers and people who are much older than me making comments saying that I am an asshole, I'm a jerk, it's so sad I've fallen away from the family. My father saying these lies that he paid for all my college or the first several years of my college and that I've disowned him for 10 plus years. I mean baffled. Like I said, when you set boundaries, people aren't gonna like it. Not always. Maybe they will, but in my case, no. And you know, look, this isn't an episode to bash my father, even though it kind of right now seems like it is. This isn't about him and me bashing him. It really is about the example of when you set boundaries, people aren't gonna like it. And I really also wanna make this point and touch on this point is trauma doesn't excuse behavior. It can help explain behavior, but it does not, it does not excuse behavior. You have a choice when you experience trauma, and specifically childhood trauma. You can either repeat the patterns and continue that cycle, or you can choose the harder path and to work really hard to break the cycle, to break those patterns. So you don't continue to allow those patterns to go on for generations and to continue to impact your children and their children and all the generations that come after you. You know, I've done so much therapy and so much work on myself that at this point I can understand that, yeah, my father probably experienced childhood trauma himself. And unfortunately, he just chose to repeat the patterns and repeat the cycles. And also, unfortunately, I was on the receiving end of that. My brothers were on the receiving end of that. Sometimes people do the work, and sometimes unfortunately, they don't until someone in the lineage comes along and decides to be the cycle breaker. And you know, I can look at my childhood and my childhood trauma from that lens now and have a little bit more of an understanding. Right? Again, trauma doesn't excuse behavior. There is no excuse for behavior, for wild behavior like that. But trauma can help explain why a person is the way they are, why they behave a way they do. And I'm really curious and want to ask y'all do you have trouble setting boundaries, even if it's something so minimal as to excuse yourself from going back into family holiday? Situations, like in my case, or saying no. Do you have do you have trouble saying no? Like I said earlier in this podcast, it's it's way more easier said than done. But let me know how you are with boundaries. Are you comfortable with setting boundaries? Are you not so comfortable? Are you a people pleaser? I also personally have dealt with people pleasing ⁓ for a long time. But once you are comfortable setting boundaries and you realize like I love myself and I respect myself. And my well-being and my mental health so much that I need to set these boundaries. It really is liberating and it really is freeing. Even if it's a little bumpy and sets people off, you will feel so, so much better. And your nervous system is going to feel so much better too. And setting boundaries doesn't have to be anything crazy or drastic. It can you can start with just practicing saying no, practicing saying no when you want to say no. And not saying yes because you don't want to disappoint people or or saying yes because you don't want to let people down. Really just listening to yourself and practicing tuning into your needs and your wants, that's an easy place to start. Right. And if you have any crazy stories about you personally setting boundaries and what happened because of that, what ripple effect that had, I would love. To hear from you. Drop it in the comments, send me a message, whatever tickles your fancy. But thank y'all for tuning in to this episode of the Reformed Tired Girls Club podcast. I hope you enjoyed that story. It's wild to tell that story because I I don't think I have told that story fully before. But I will see y'all next week.