Latest / Don't Quote Me.... / The Family, The Guilt & Standing Firm of it All
Transcript
- Tori: Before we jump in, just a quick reminder: don't quote me as a space for education, reflection, and honest conversations about mental health and life experiences. This podcast is not therapy and it is not a replacement for mental health treatment. The thoughts and information shared here are for educational purposes only. If you are looking for support, consider connecting with a licensed professional at this time. All right, my beautiful people, welcome back to Don't Quote Me. so if you're tuning in, thank you for the first time, thank you and welcome. if you listened or had a chance to listen to our last episode, this is kind of gonna be a second version to that, just adding on. so yeah, let's dive on in. So last episode, we basically talked about like what boundaries were and what they weren't. We learned that the boundaries aren't walls, punishment. or ways to control other people. We learned that they are a way of protecting our emotional, physical, and mental well being while still allowing room for those healthy relationships that we seek. So today I just want to talk about what happens after you decide to set a boundary. Because the truth is, setting the boundary is the easiest part of this all. However, living it, that's where all the work begins and it can get a little difficult. If you've ever said no and immediately felt guilty afterwards, or if you've ever set a boundary only to have someone argue with you, ignore it or make you feel like you're the bad guy in that, this episode is gonna be especially for you. So one of the hardest truths is to accept this that not everyone benefits from the healthier version of you. Sometimes people become comfortable with the version of you who always says yes, the virgin who drops everything for everybody, the virgin who apologized for having needs, the version of you who carried everyone else's emotional weight. And when you stop doing those things, some of those relationships are gonna naturally change. That doesn't automatically mean that you have done something wrong. Sometimes your growth simply changes the relationship dynamic, right? Kind of like what I touched on last time that when you are starting to set boundaries and those people start to retaliate within a negative way and don't accept your boundary, those are those relationships that actually needed the boundary. So yeah, it's gonna change, it's gonna get rocky. You might get a new version of a f relationship, friendship, a healthier one, or you could absolutely lose that relationship in all. So you have to also be mentally prepared to do that when you are setting these boundaries. So let's start with the most difficult ones, right? So family knows exactly how to push your buttons. Yes. We're gonna start with the family first. Not because they're always trying to hurt you, but because they've known you your whole entire life. Family developed patterns. Maybe you are the peacemaker, or maybe you're the peacekeeper, maybe you are the responsible one, maybe you are the fixer in the real friend in the family. Maybe you're the one that everybody depends on the backbone. All of those roles become comfortable for everybody, whichever one you are in your family. So when you begin to change those patterns, it can feel uncomfortable, not just for you, but for everybody else involved. I think about when I work with my clients and they are estranged from their family, but they go and see family for like the holidays and stuff. And I remember Some of them being like when I come back, when I hop into my family, it's just like an automatically going back into the routine of like, okay, I got it, I'll take the trash out, I'll do this, I'll do that, I'll do this. That is what I'm talking about. Like you can say, no, I have boundaries and my family respects and this, this, this, and that. But if you ever go and be just around your family and hop back into that person that you were for them growing up or that mindset. That's what I'm talking about. And you may hear things from them like, you've changed. You're being so selfish. That's not how we've always done things, anyways. Or my favorite that makes people feel so guilty about even setting boundaries or anything is family is family. Blood's thicker than water. Yes, that is true. Family is very important, right? However, healthy relationships still require respect. I always feel like it's important to get an understanding of like family can be toxic just as much as a stranger on the side of the road, right? No matter what is going on, they can be the source of drainage in your life, to say the least. Therefore, being related to somebody does not eliminate the need for boundaries. And so when we set these relations when we set these boundaries with our family, usually I I start with them because they're the most trickiest ones to set boundaries with because of course we all come from different backgrounds, cultural, ethnic ethnic ethnic wow, Tori can't talk today. culturally. We're just gonna start with that. We're just gonna go that route, right? it can be like not in your culture to stand up or to Be independent within your family. so this can be very tricky when it comes to those types of cultures. However, do know that you still deserve a boundary in some capacity no matter what. I went on a rampage. Okay. Yeah. I want to talk about the guilt. so guilt, yes, going all the way back. So family is gonna be the one that makes it the most difficult for you, right? So you're gonna have a lot of guilt when it comes to creating these boundaries, and guilt is probably one of the biggest reasons people avoid making boundaries. So here's something that I would like for you to remember or take along with you after this episode or whenever. Feeling guilty doesn't automatically mean that you've done something wrong. Sometimes guilty guiltiness simply means that you're doing something differently than what you're actually used to. Especially if you spent years putting everyone else first, your nervous system may confuse healthy change with d danger. So when you say that first no to somebody, you might feel anxious, you might feel so uncomfortable, you may feel like you need to actually explain yourself. You might want to actually take it back or deflect from it. But discomfort isn't proof your boundary is unhealthy. It's actually proof that it is healthy and that you're growing. So s we also need to learn to sit in that uncomfortableness. And so let's also normalize something else, right? People may not like your boundaries and they're allowed to have feelings about them, but someone else's disappointment does not mean that you've made a bad decision. Healthy people may be disappointed. Unhealthy people may become actually angry, furious, get on your case, whatever you want to say. And then those controlling people, they're gonna push back because your boundary changes what they have access to for you. And those are my favorite ones. However, just because you're getting that pushback from those people, that does not mean that you stop having that boundary. That means that you need to remain consistent. That doesn't mean like today you hold the boundary and then tomorrow when they come back and ask you, you're just like, okay, yeah, you just showed them that there's something that can break that boundary and they're gonna they know that it all it takes is one little push or one little saying for you to be like screw it and go back to the person that they're used to having. And that's just simply not fair for the new you, right? Another one that I like to say when it comes to boundaries, like you don't need to be explaining yourself. You need to not feel like you need to have a whole written essay of an explanation as to why you're saying no. No is a complete sentence. Or even I can't make it, I'm not available. That doesn't work for me. I've decided to do something different this time. And if you notice within those little quotes that I have provided as examples, None of those require defending yourself. The more we overexplain, the more sometimes we actually invite negotiation with those people. And you don't need permission to protect your peace. it kind of just goes back to like I'm saying, like you can say, I've seen people say no, but yada yada yada, like I said in the last episode, but just eliminates that whole no. Because now you've shown that person like, okay, well maybe this door is closed, but let's try to creep through the window and get them to do what we want them to do. No, it means no. Simple paragraph, a sentence, a phrase, whatever you want to call it. It is what it is. No means no. And it's just that simple. Now, when you come when it comes to keeping consistency within your boundaries, one of one conversation or one request of a boundary is not going to change years of patterns, right? So if you always answer the phone for every phone call you've gotten, people will expect expect you to continue. If you've always rescued somebody or anybody, they're going to expect you to continue to rescue them. Consistency teaches people what to expect. Not perfection, consistency. If you sometimes enforce the boundary and sometimes you don't, people receive mech mixed messages. That's exactly what I'm talking about. Healthy boundaries aren't being harsh, they're about being predictable. So you are reteaching people how to treat you, basically, and also yourself. You're figuring out what is is and is not good for your mental well being, what is and is not good for your physical well being, what is and is not good for your emotional well being. You are not only teaching these people, but you are also learning within yourself what to and to not expect. Here's another little tricky part that I wanted to talk about when it comes to setting these boundaries, right? Because like I said, not everybody's gonna respect them. So this is when boundaries come into full-blown action. This is probably the most difficult one when it comes to people who are people pleasers, the ones that are used to being there for everybody, the all of the etc., all of the the whole list, you name it, yes. Remember, for you this is for you. Remember, a boundary isn't about controlling another person. person's behavior. It's about deciding what you'll do. Let me give you a little example, right? So I won't stay in conversations where I'm being yelled at. If yelling starts, I'm gonna walk away. Because I literally just said I'm not gonna stay in conversations where I'm being yelled at. And I don't need to sit here and talk over you or try to explain myself as to why I don't like being yelled at. I'm simply gonna remove myself because I respect my own personal boundary and you're not seeming to respect it. So I need to go about myself. Or when it comes to work, because I know there's a lot of people who feel guilty when it comes to like, I just need to eat answer that email because I opened it. You may not be, but I was one of those people. I would I'm a somebody who checks my emails as if they're text messages. And so every time I open an email, I'm just like, I should have replied that right now. Cause if not, I'm gonna be a screw up. So I wrote this one down, but like I won't answer work emails after 6 PM. So I'm gonna answer them tomorrow. And gonna be okay with that. I feel like that is like a boundary that was difficult to do for me because I didn't want to disappoint people or anything like that. So being able to cut the string or take that hat off of coming from work to home, whoo, that took years of practice. But we're here. We're here. We made it today. So that is possible. That is a boundary for more so yourself and not just externally. Another one that I wrote down that's kind of like the first one, I won't continue conversations that become disrespectful. So therefore I'm gonna calmly end the conversation and the action is gonna be my boundary. I'm going to remove myself. You're not gonna disrespect me after I just said that I will not become not tolerate being disrespected. Okay. I think I've also had somebody ask me. I'm trying to see. I have had somebody ask me though, but what about those toxic relationships? First of all Those are gonna be the most trickiest ones. I mean, they're all tricky, right? But like these ones, these can usually come with that cycle of abuse, which I can do a whole episode on year of weeks and weeks on. But basically, you are in these rose gold glasses, honeymoon phase, whole bunch of chaos happens, and then we're back to that honeymoon phase. And it can happen so fast that sometimes you're confused as to whether or not you are making this up overreacting. It leaves you with confusion basically. I don't want to get too deep into it because I don't want to make these too too long. But yes, basically I was asked, what if the person never respects my boundaries? And that is a very difficult question, right? Every relationship is unique. But sometimes when you create boundaries, it can improve the relationship actually. and I say that lightly because in other toxic relationships like the ones I'm thinking about with the cycle of abuse, if you try to establish a boundary, there is not going to be an improvement. It is it's not gonna be it's not gonna get any better. So I don't want to provide any discourage when it comes to situations like that. And if there ever is any situations like that or anybody is listening in in a situation like that, please reach out to your nearest resources or anything in that manner because that's a whole different ball game. But if this is just like Mm. Say, for instance, you are used to Giving your partner the silent treatment when you're frustrated instead of explaining your emotions. But you want to explain your emotions and you want to understand them. Boundaries can help. Boundaries can help you be like, you know what? Actually, that makes me uncomfortable and I'm not okay with it. And if your partner is somebody who cares and wants to understand and fix the situations, they will respect the boundaries that you are establishing. And sometimes boundaries reveal that relationships only function because that one person is not allowed to have needs, basically. The person that's boundaries are being consistently broken. And that's the other type of relationships that I'm talking about. Like if somebody repeatedly dismisses your feelings, mocks your limits, manipulates you with guilt, or refuses to respect even reasonable requests, you may need to sit back and ask yourself these questions. Is this relationship mentally emotionally healthy for me? And that is not a decision anybody else can make for you. But it is also a question that I would encourage you to. explore throughout this time. Sorry, I keep pausing because I'm reading the things that have came up when I did my little thing for Instagram. So thank you guys for actually responding and engaging. so if you are a people pleaser, which is somebody who it constantly worries about disappointing others, you're gonna want hear this. Your worth is not measured by how available you are. You are allowed to rest, you are allowed to change your mind, you are allowed to say. No, you're allowed to have needs and you don't have to earn the right to be treated with respect. You are able to control your life, not your emotions controlling you. Not those negative thoughts controlling you. So just know that I also like to put like if you are a peace people pleaser or anything in this manner that has difficulties with the creating boundaries, you are not going to be the first nor the last person that that person asks for help or goes to seeking help. That also is something that kind of like helped me feel better when I used to first talk about boundaries with clients and stuff like that. because It is difficult to be like, well, yeah, you deserve to say no and you deserve to do this, this, and that. And they're like, well, I don't think like that. Let us try to see if we can put that you were not the first nor the last person that they're gonna ask for help. And also, is it going to jeopardize the things that you are working on to help this person? Do you have the time to help this person? Do you have the emotional capacity to help this individual? Will it actually bring you Pleasure and comfort to help this person. If so, go by all means. Maybe you don't need a boundary there. But if it creates the opposite for you and you are drained and you feel like you're untreated ungratefully and nobody r respects you and things like that, then you need to establish a boundary. This episode seems a little short and sweet, but I mean, if there is any more concerns or anything like that, feel free to reach out to me on my Instagram at therapywithori. but I would love to leave you guys with a few questions for yourself. Or you can even ask anybody else around you just to see. but who in your life is hoping? Hardest to set boundaries with. What's do you tell your, like what story do you tell yourself when you say no to people? Do you believe that protecting your peace, your peace, your peace is selfish? Or do you believe that a that healthy people are allowed to have have healthy limits? Wow, it is. I'm wrapping up my day, so my brain is shutting down while we do this. But I want you to just take a few. minutes this week and think about one small boundary that you can actually practice too for yourself. Or even if you see a family member or friend that you feel like should have boundaries, talking to them and asking them these questions might help them realize like, hey, maybe I do need something there. Because remember, boundaries aren't about changing other people. They're about showing yourself the same care that you so freely give to everybody else. You have to give yourself grace. You have to love yourself. You have to give yourself space to grow that like you let other people do. And that's what boundaries are for. I think last week I gave all of my book recommendations. but there is one that I am going to reread and s kind of aligns with like being a people pleaser or anything like that. Or not not anything like that, but like things like that. Mm. Okay, yes, I had to Google it because I didn't want to get up. But A Perfectionist Guide to Not Being Perfect. I got this book a while back because I am a perfectionist and I am somebody who if I can't fix it, I need to figure out how to fix it and I will dwell on figuring out how to fix it and stress myself out because I don't want to not be perfect or satisfy other people or please other people. So I've gotten better at it first of all. However, this book I feel like can help. So I just want to share this with you guys. I have not read it yet, but if you've read it and you have any comments on it, please let me know before I op crack this bad boy open. It's by Dr. Bonnie Zucker, a perfectionist guide to not being perfect again. And that will wrap up this week's episode of Don't Quote Me. Take care of yourselves. Give yourself some grace. And remember, just because I said it does not mean to quote me on it. All right, Tori signing out.