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Transcript

Mojo Monday: Willingness vs Avoidance: the Choice to Live Fully with Carly Taylor · Hardiness with Dr Paul Taylor

• 0:09
  Speaker 1: Hi everyone, I'm Carly Taylor and if you're new to
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: the podcast, yes, it is the Paul Taylor Podcast. But
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: every Monday I bring you a short, practical episode to
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: kickstart your week. And what my goal is is to
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: make these as useful as possible so you can navigate
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: the ups and downs of being human, whatever that looks
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  Speaker 1: like for you. Right now and today, I want to
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  Speaker 1: talk about well I consider to be a really essential
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: skill for managing the struggle that we so often find
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: ourselves in when painful emotions and thoughts show up. And
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  Speaker 1: the skill I'm going to be talking about comes from ACT,
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  Speaker 1: which is acceptance and commitment therapy, and it's called willingness.
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  Speaker 1: So willingness is connected to the acceptance. Part of ACT
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: and part of acceptance is an understanding that our automatic
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  Speaker 1: thoughts and emotions are not within our control, but what
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  Speaker 1: is within our control is how we respond to them.
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  Speaker 1: And that's where this skill of willingness can really help
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  Speaker 1: us with this. And look, it would be great if
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  Speaker 1: we didn't feel painful emotions like sadness or anxiety or fear,
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  Speaker 1: but that's not realistic because these emotions, just like the
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  Speaker 1: ones that feel great, are part of our human humanness,
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  Speaker 1: part of our human nature. You know, we experience them
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  Speaker 1: and we can't do anything about that, and of course
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  Speaker 1: we can influence them once they show up. But what
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  Speaker 1: many of us do is we exert a huge amount
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  Speaker 1: of energy struggling with them, you know, by trying to
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  Speaker 1: avoid them or get rid of them. But given what
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  Speaker 1: we pay attention to our brain commits cells to, it
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: can actually make them worse. And there's this popular metaphor
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  Speaker 1: in the Act Circle, which I first heard from Russ Harris,
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  Speaker 1: who is an act educator and practitioner. I'm sure many
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  Speaker 1: of you have probably read his books, but I really
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  Speaker 1: love this metaphor because it illustrates this struggle. So imagine
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: all your painful emotions and those self defeating, self critical
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  Speaker 1: thoughts were a monster. So let's call it the struggle monster.
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  Speaker 1: This monster represents all this stuff that you're struggling with,
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  Speaker 1: and of course you want to get rid of the
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  Speaker 1: struggle monster, so you challenge it to a tug of
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  Speaker 1: war with a rope. So you position yourself and the
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  Speaker 1: monster either side of this big, deep pole, and all
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  Speaker 1: your energy goes into trying to pull the monster into
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  Speaker 1: the hole, and your thinking is if you can do this,
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  Speaker 1: if you can get the monster to fall into the hole,
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  Speaker 1: then you're rid of allful thoughts and emotions and then
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  Speaker 1: you can get on with your life. But the problem
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  Speaker 1: is the struggle monster is really strong. The harder you pull,
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  Speaker 1: the stronger it seems to get, and then before you
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  Speaker 1: know it, you're inching closer and closer to that deep
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  Speaker 1: hole yourself. So all this energy is going into this
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  Speaker 1: fight and it's exhausting. And meanwhile, what's behind you. It's
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  Speaker 1: your life, your family, your friends, your work, the beautiful
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  Speaker 1: world around you. But you're so focused on getting this
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  Speaker 1: struggle monster into the hole that you don't notice any
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  Speaker 1: of that. So what can you do. You can drop
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  Speaker 1: the rope, so stop playing the struggle game. Let the
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  Speaker 1: monster be there, but without giving it all your energy.
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  Speaker 1: So it may still tag along looking a bit deflated
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  Speaker 1: because you're not playing the dug of war with it.
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  Speaker 1: But by dropping the rope, you're free to turn around
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  Speaker 1: and engage with your life. You're not fighting these painful emotions.
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  Speaker 1: You're choosing to be here in the moment without letting
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  Speaker 1: these thoughts and these emotions run your life. So by
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  Speaker 1: being willing to experience the emotions without the struggle means
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  Speaker 1: you're allowing yourself to be here now, even if you
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  Speaker 1: don't like it. It's not about embracing them. It's more
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  Speaker 1: about experiencing your emotions, experiencing your thoughts, and you can
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  Speaker 1: get curious about them, but without judging them as good
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  Speaker 1: or bad. You can notice them there, you can name
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: them like there's anxiety, but then shift to what is
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  Speaker 1: more useful and important to you, and that is your values.
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  Speaker 1: Your values are what is deeply important to you, deep
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  Speaker 1: in your heart. So let's give an example. So let's
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  Speaker 1: say you're feeling I'm really anxious, and you've got this
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: work project that you need to focus on. So rather
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  Speaker 1: than getting stuck into the mental tug of war with
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  Speaker 1: that anxiety, trying to pull that anxiety monster into the hole,
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  Speaker 1: you choose to turn towards your value of let's say,
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  Speaker 1: commitment or competence. So you put your energy into the
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  Speaker 1: work itself. And what is interesting is that research shows
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  Speaker 1: by refocusing on something productive, the intensity of that emotion
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  Speaker 1: can dial down and it could infade over time. But
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  Speaker 1: that's not actually the goal. The goal isn't to get
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  Speaker 1: rid of it. It's to live alongside it, to coexist
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  Speaker 1: with it. But what the research finds is that it
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  Speaker 1: can start to fade over time. So a question I
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  Speaker 1: often ask my clients is, on a scale of one
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  Speaker 1: to ten, how willing are you to experience these emotions
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  Speaker 1: or thought while you do what's really important to you.
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  Speaker 1: So one is no way, it's not happening, I'm not
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  Speaker 1: doing it, and ten is piece o cake, Bring it on,
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  Speaker 1: I'm ready. And of course you don't have to go
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  Speaker 1: straight to ten straight away. So Joseph Crouci, who is
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  Speaker 1: a research professor and has published more than one hundred
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  Speaker 1: and fifty scientific journal articles, many of them on act,
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  Speaker 1: and has written many many books, he uses the metaphor
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  Speaker 1: of a diving board, So you think willingness like different
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  Speaker 1: levels of the diving board. So you can start with
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  Speaker 1: the lowest level, something that's really manageable, and then as
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  Speaker 1: your confidence builds, you might try a higher level, and
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  Speaker 1: eventually you might go up to the highest. So willingness
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  Speaker 1: means that or learning this skill of willingness means that
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  Speaker 1: you don't have to wait. You don't have to wait
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  Speaker 1: for your anxiety or your fear or your sadness to
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  Speaker 1: go away before you can live fully. You don't need
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  Speaker 1: to solve or analyze why you're feeling what you're feeling.
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  Speaker 1: You simply let yourself be just as you are while
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  Speaker 1: you get on with what's important. So as you go
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  Speaker 1: through your week, start to notice when you are struggling
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  Speaker 1: with that struggle monster. Start to notice when you've picked
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  Speaker 1: up that rope and started that tug of war with
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  Speaker 1: your emotions. And if you're willing, try dropping the rope.
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  Speaker 1: Let the struggle monster be there without giving it your energy,
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  Speaker 1: and then turn towards what truly matters. Knowing the struggle
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  Speaker 1: monster might still be there in the background, but you
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  Speaker 1: are still getting on with your life. And this is
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  Speaker 1: a skill to practice. It's not easy, because sitting with
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: painful emotions is not easy, but with practice, it can
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  Speaker 1: lead you on the part that you want to take.
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  Speaker 1: It doesn't stop you from moving forward. So thanks for
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  Speaker 1: joining me on today's Mojo Monday. Practice that willingness and
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  Speaker 1: watch what happens when you free your free up your
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  Speaker 1: energy for the things that bring meaning and joy to
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  Speaker 1: your life. And I will see you next week. Bye.