Latest / The Art of Love With Lucia / The Most Dangerous Part of No Contact

Transcript

The Most Dangerous Part of No Contact · The Art of Love With Lucia

• 0:07
  It happened again. It happened again.
• 0:11
  What, you may ask? One of my clients?
• 0:15
  No, no, he didn't break no contact.
• 0:19
  Much worse, he heard from his ex and instead of telling me he
• 0:25
  thought, OK, that's it. Don't nearly Chia anymore.
• 0:28
  All is well. My ex is back.
• 0:30
  Yeah. No, not really.
• 0:33
  See, most people think that the hardest part of no contact is
• 0:36
  the silence, the waiting, the uncertainty, the fear that their
• 0:40
  ex is going to forget them. That's not the real danger.
• 0:44
  The most dangerous part of No Contact is what happens actually
• 0:48
  when it starts working. When your ex finally reaches
• 0:52
  out, when they show interest again or say that they want to
• 0:55
  try, that's when most people lose everything they've built.
• 1:00
  The second the X throws them a bone, they abandon the strategy
• 1:04
  and they chase the high. It's like the emotional version
• 1:07
  of breaking a fast with junk food.
• 1:10
  They undo all the progress because they think that
• 1:14
  reconnection means mission accomplished.
• 1:17
  Nope, not always. So today I'm going to explain
• 1:22
  exactly what happens and how to make sure that you don't blow it
• 1:26
  like my client did. Hi, this is Lucia with the art
• 1:29
  of Love. I'm a dating and relationship
• 1:31
  expert specializing in helping you get your ex back or to get
• 1:34
  over your ex. And welcome back my beautiful no
• 1:37
  contact army. Have you been a good little
• 1:39
  soldier? Well, if you have, then you've
• 1:41
  downloaded my app Silencio, which will help you to say no
• 1:44
  contact. And the link for that is
• 1:45
  underneath every single video and podcast.
• 1:48
  And if you too would like to join our army, just hit the
• 1:51
  subscribe button and the bell notification and you're in.
• 1:55
  And to read our manual, go to nocontactsecrets.com where you
• 1:59
  can read 2 free chapters before you purchase the book.
• 2:02
  And the link to that, of course, is also underneath every single
• 2:05
  video and podcast. So when you're in no contact,
• 2:09
  what you're doing is actually emotional rehab.
• 2:13
  You're detoxing from the relationship, you're regulating
• 2:16
  your nervous system, you're rebuilding yourself.
• 2:18
  Respect. You're licking your wounds so
• 2:22
  slowly, you start to feel like yourself again, and your power
• 2:25
  comes back, your peace comes back.
• 2:29
  And then the moment your ex shows interest again, that
• 2:33
  strength is going to get tested. You're thinking, Finally it
• 2:38
  worked. You feel relief, you're excited,
• 2:41
  you're hopeful. But here's the thing.
• 2:44
  When your ex comes back or you hear from them, it's not the
• 2:47
  finish line. It's actually the most fragile
• 2:51
  stage of all. Because they're not coming back
• 2:54
  out of certainty. They're coming back out of
• 2:57
  curiosity, nostalgia, maybe even emotional confusion.
• 3:02
  And that's where many people fail.
• 3:06
  So let me read his text to me. He goes.
• 3:11
  I know it's been a while. Yeah, it has.
• 3:13
  And when my clients disappear, I know that one of two things
• 3:17
  happens. Either they haven't heard from
• 3:19
  their ex, so nothing is happening at all, so there's no
• 3:21
  need to check in with me. Or they heard from their ex and
• 3:24
  they decided, yeah, I can take over from here.
• 3:26
  Don't need Alicia. Sure.
• 3:30
  Continuing. She wanted to try again.
• 3:32
  We talked and saw each other for a few weeks.
• 3:35
  Then she got triggered again when I expressed my boundaries
• 3:37
  and set standards. So she left again.
• 3:41
  Everything seemed to be going so well.
• 3:43
  Well, yeah, it was only two weeks.
• 3:45
  She was telling me she missed me, she wanted to be with me,
• 3:48
  and sometimes she even said she loved me, including when she
• 3:51
  broke up with me again. Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.
• 3:53
  Blah, blah, blah. Words, words, words.
• 3:55
  I don't care what anyone says when they come back.
• 3:58
  Everyone keeps falling for words.
• 4:00
  I want action, not words. So this is what happens when
• 4:05
  someone abandons the process too early.
• 4:09
  They think that their ex wanting to try again means that their
• 4:11
  work is done. No, the real work is about to
• 4:14
  begin. You know, it's like a marathon.
• 4:19
  You've spent months pushing through pain, exhaustion, doubt,
• 4:23
  and you can finally see the finish line.
• 4:28
  But then you spot your ex standing on the sidelines and
• 4:32
  they're clapping. And so instead of finishing the
• 4:35
  race, instead of finishing the marathon, you leave the track
• 4:42
  and you run towards them. You don't cross the finish line,
• 4:46
  you don't get a medal, and then when they stop clapping, there
• 4:51
  you are, left off the track, drained, disappointed, and
• 4:56
  wondering how the heck you lost everything again, everything
• 5:00
  that you worked for in a single moment.
• 5:03
  That's what happens emotionally. You give up your progress for a
• 5:08
  quick hit of validation. And that's exactly why you blow
• 5:13
  it. Do not leave the track for
• 5:15
  validation because the moment you hear from your ex, your
• 5:19
  logic shuts off and your nervous system takes over.
• 5:24
  So please keep that in mind. You are not thinking logically
• 5:28
  when you hear from your ex because you spent weeks,
• 5:31
  probably months in survival mode.
• 5:33
  You're you were trying to regulate, you're trying to
• 5:36
  detach. And then when that text or call
• 5:39
  finally comes in, your brain is flooded with dopamine, oxytocin,
• 5:45
  adrenaline. So it's like the emotional
• 5:48
  equivalent of a drug hit after withdrawal.
• 5:50
  You're like a junkie, and you're being offered a hit, and you're
• 5:54
  going to take it because that stops the pain for a second.
• 5:58
  So you feel hopeful again. You feel relief.
• 6:01
  You feel like you're in control. And that's why he stopped
• 6:04
  coaching with me because I represent discipline,
• 6:08
  boundaries, self respect, patience, strategy and the X
• 6:14
  represents instant relief. So guess which one people are
• 6:18
  going to choose? So your attachment system is
• 6:23
  reactivating because the silence forced you into withdraw and
• 6:27
  then when your X appears, your body reads it as danger over
• 6:31
  connection restored. And so you quickly drop your
• 6:34
  guard and you run towards the source of comfort.
• 6:37
  Not because it's smart, but because it feels safe.
• 6:41
  And you're mistaking temporary validation for reconciliation.
• 6:46
  You think that contact means progress.
• 6:48
  It's not, It's just access. But that tiny bit of reassurance
• 6:53
  tricks you into believing it's working.
• 6:56
  So you abandon the strategy that made your ex reach out.
• 7:00
  You're trying to escape uncertainty.
• 7:02
  I get it. No contact as hell.
• 7:04
  I did a video of that topic so I'll put the link in the upper
• 7:07
  right hand corner on YouTube. And every day that you are
• 7:12
  silent, you're building pressure.
• 7:15
  And then when the X returns, it's like you can breathe again.
• 7:21
  It's a release, so you rush in just to make that anxiety stop,
• 7:25
  even if it means that you're sabotaging everything.
• 7:29
  And This is why my clients disappear when they hear from
• 7:31
  their ex. They stop looking for guidance
• 7:35
  from me. They don't see it as valuable.
• 7:36
  Once they think that they're quote UN quote winning.
• 7:40
  They came to me for clarity when they were in pain.
• 7:43
  And once they think they've turned the corner, they go back
• 7:45
  to their old habits thinking that, oh, they can handle it
• 7:48
  alone. Love's going to fix it.
• 7:51
  The work's done, sure. So I used to think that oh, they
• 7:55
  abandoned me, but then I realized, you know what?
• 7:58
  They didn't abandoned me. They abandoned themselves.
• 8:02
  They traded long term transformation for short term
• 8:06
  comfort. And how does that work out?
• 8:09
  So then when it collapses again, when the X pulls away or the
• 8:12
  same issues resurfaced as did in this situation, they come back
• 8:16
  and now they're more humble and they're ready to listen.
• 8:18
  So for the love of God, if you're a current or future
• 8:23
  client, do yourself a favor. And when you hear from your ex,
• 8:28
  don't think I don't need Lucia anymore.
• 8:31
  If anything, this is the most crucial part of getting your ex
• 8:35
  back. You need me more than ever.
• 8:38
  No contact isn't a trick to get someone back.
• 8:40
  It's a reset button. But if you reset and then
• 8:43
  immediately run the same program, you're just going to
• 8:46
  end up right back where you started.
• 8:49
  And now the person is even worse off because the ex has learned I
• 8:53
  can leave and come back because they're still be, they'll still
• 8:57
  be there. And every failed reunion makes
• 9:00
  the next one harder. I mean, how many chances you
• 9:02
  think you're going to get to get your ex back?
• 9:04
  You don't have an unlimited number of chances.
• 9:08
  That's why it's imperative that you handle things correctly.
• 9:12
  When you hear from your your ex and they seem to want to
• 9:15
  reconcile when your X comes back, it's not a reward, it's a
• 9:19
  test. A test of whether you've
• 9:21
  changed, whether you can stay grounded, whether your
• 9:24
  boundaries are real or just something that you talk about.
• 9:26
  And if you rush in and forget everything that you learned, you
• 9:29
  failed. You failed the test.
• 9:32
  But if you stay calm and you keep your standards, then that's
• 9:36
  when respect starts rebuild. This is why I have the six
• 9:40
  questions to ask your ex when they want you back video.
• 9:44
  And I will put that link in the upper right hand corner.
• 9:46
  And I'm going to bet, I'm going to bet everything I have that he
• 9:50
  did not ask those six questions. People are afraid to ask them
• 9:53
  because they're afraid that they're going to push their ex
• 9:55
  away again. But if they're sincere about
• 9:58
  coming back and making things work, work, Yeah, you can't push
• 10:02
  them away. It's the opposite.
• 10:04
  If you don't ask those questions, there's a good chance
• 10:07
  that they'll go away again because you're taking them back,
• 10:11
  no questions asked. So you teach them they can
• 10:14
  behave any way they want and you'll take them back in a
• 10:17
  heartbeat. And that is not the message you
• 10:19
  want to be sending out. And also, people are afraid to
• 10:23
  ask those questions because they don't know how the X is going to
• 10:26
  react to those questions. And guess what?
• 10:29
  If they have a bad reaction, if they get frustrated that you're
• 10:32
  even asking, that's a red flag. That's another reason for the
• 10:35
  six questions, not just so you can get great answers, but to
• 10:38
  see how they even handle being asked those questions.
• 10:43
  And it's like imagine that you have an interview for a job you
• 10:46
  really want. If you really want that job, you
• 10:49
  are going to answer those questions to the best of your
• 10:52
  ability. You want to give the best
• 10:54
  answers because you really want the job.
• 10:55
  And it's the same thing here. If they really want to come
• 10:58
  back, they are going to give you great answers and they don't
• 11:00
  mind how many questions you have.
• 11:03
  So if your ex reaches out, here's what to do instead of
• 11:08
  messing things up. First of all, don't celebrate,
• 11:11
  not yet. Observe.
• 11:13
  Their message isn't a guarantee, it's just a signal.
• 11:16
  Next, you match their energy, not their emotion.
• 11:19
  So be calm, neutral, warm, but not over eager.
• 11:25
  Don't rush the meat up, let them earn it through their consistent
• 11:29
  communication. Keep your boundaries and if
• 11:33
  you're expressing them triggers your X again, that's your
• 11:36
  answer. They're still not ready.
• 11:38
  It means you didn't lose them. You revealed them.
• 11:43
  So remember, the most dangerous part of no contact is not the
• 11:47
  silence. It's when the silence starts
• 11:49
  working. That's when people lose
• 11:52
  themselves and undo everything they fought for.
• 11:55
  Your goal isn't just to get your ex back, it's to get them back
• 11:58
  correctly so they don't. They don't pull away again when
• 12:03
  they get triggered. OK so now I want to hear from
• 12:06
  you, how long have you been in no contact and how is it going?
• 12:10
  And if you would like my help to get your ex back I will take you
• 12:13
  on as a client as long as you promise not to.
• 12:16
  Disappeared. Disappear the second your ex
• 12:20
  shows up. Link to that is underneath every
• 12:23
  single video on podcast. It's the art of
• 12:24
  love.net/coaching. If you found this video helpful,
• 12:30
  please hit the subscribe button so you don't miss future videos.
• 12:34
  If you are listening to this as a podcast, also hit the
• 12:37
  subscribe button so you don't miss future episodes.
• 12:40
  And finally, remember love inspires and powers of lives and
• 12:44
  enlightens.