Latest / Dangerously Alive / I'm Not Lost, I'm Changing
Transcript
- Cat Boyko: I am not lost. I am exactly where I am meant to be. And for the first time in my life. I'm learning to trust myself and my intuition and my 'body. Welcome to the Dangerously Alive Podcast. I'm Cat Boyko, and this show is all about women living a full-bodied, hell yes, life and how we do that. If you did everything right and something still feels like it's missing, I know that place. It sent me on a decades-long journey to reclaim my joy, my pleasure, and my life force. Now I help women do the same so that they too can be dangerously alive. Let's dive in. This episode is all about women who have always done it right. They follow the rule book, they followed the playbook, and Chances are you've been super successful at what you've done. But there's just that something missing. There's that thing inside where you, where you finally get to the top. You get to the moment where you've achieved that list of all the things that you want. And you go, This doesn't feel like what I thought it would feel like. I have the house or the partner or the child, the job, the career, the team. But something's missing. And I'm gonna share, I've been there. I have been a person that has been making really bold and big changes my entire life, chasing those dreams. and in fact, I've even changed so much throughout this process that I've even changed my name multiple times. They're all versions of my given name, Catherine. my family has always called me Katie. And then when I became an aunt, I became Aunt Kitty, which is probably my favorite of the names. And then, as I changed myself. I became Catherine. And now in this season of life, I'm building community and tuning in with myself more deeply, I have chosen to go by cat. And I wanna say that even as I share this, there's a level of cringe and shame that's coming up within me. That feels scary to tell all of you. How dare you take up that much space? But I think also what I'm coming to learn is that I've had a lot of shame around this idea of changing. And letting myself take up that space even within myself. To live exactly as I want to. At 42 years old, that I get to live exactly as I want to. sometimes they call it the midlife crisis. But I love Brene Brown's take on this, that it is a deep undoing. That we're finally of an age where we have enough wisdom, we have enough knowledge, and maybe we've gotten to this place, right? Where we followed all the rules and we got to the point and we went, wait, I don't feel alive. I'm really not happy. I was duped. I was duped by the American dream. Now what? And so there's a lot of unraveling that we get to do in this. And so while Brene Brown refers to it as an undoing, I think it is both an undoing as well as a becoming. these moments of change can be really scary because the thing that we don't talk about is there ends up being a lot of grief that surfaces. And there's so much fear to step into the version of yourself that you want to be. At least that was my experience. It is scary to step into the unknown. But I had reached a point where I was like, well, something has to change. Because if nothing changes, nothing changes. And I know that I cannot live a life like this anymore. Where I was an executive producer in advertising. I was traveling the world. I was working with Oscar nominated directors, celebrities. But I was burnt out, exhausted, and empty, And I was in such a state of constant go that I was sick all of the time and my body hurt so deeply. And I ended up in a relationship with an alcoholic. And I think that was truly my rock bottom. this person had made me feel so paranoid and so isolated from others that when I finally gathered the courage to end the relationship. I had to really deeply look at myself. I was 36 years old and single. And I had to go, okay, well, now what? And so this version of me that was Katie, that learned to move so quickly through the world who lived off of control and this idea of power. And so I pushed through, pushed harder, and kept going so fast it was when that relationship ended where I went, I have to look super deep at this version of myself as to what called in a relationship with someone. who couldn't love themselves, let alone me. What does that say about me? my inability to receive love from others. And this was also during COVID, And everything stops. And I think so many people went one of two directions One was finding relief in alcohol or substances. the other was starting to question everything. And I went into the questioning everything. So I gave up alcohol And my gosh, I felt so much better. I realized that a lot of my social anxiety went away. That I was no longer waiting to have a drink, to have some relief from the day. I just had to find new ways to create release throughout the day. I just started to question everything. What else was I just following along with? during this time, I was also introduced to A gentleman named John Wineland, who was talking about sexual polarity and embodiment work. And I figured why not? Something within me needed to change. And it was all about relationship work and holding masculine and feminine energies within each of us. And through that program, I really learned that I was fully 100% in my masculine. And let me tell you, when I did my very first feminine embodiment practice, I felt so delicious in my body. It was incredible. It was incredible. I felt an aliveness And that was the moment that started to tap me into my body again. It brought me back to my felt senses, this being in my body. And it was so beautiful. That was twenty twenty, and here I am. It's late in twenty twenty six. And I have been a somatic and embodiment coach for the past two years. And throughout all of this, I have allowed myself to change and grow and to undo. What I thought I was supposed to want. And I've been in this beautiful state of becoming. And I wanna just say that This is a messy path. It is a messy, messy path. I'm figuring it out. It is not the perfectionist Katie who knows exactly where she's going, the producer who gets every single thing done. This path is that of Catherine and Cat. It's undoing and becoming, undoing and becoming and allowing myself to step in more. To the woman that I wanna be, to the woman that I choose to be. And so while others might look at me as I change, as I change my name, as I change my business name, as I figure it all out, they might say, she's lost. Ooh, that's really scary. that's really scary. I can feel it coming up in my body. This fear of that judgment. Especially this story within my family that is so driven, so going, where everyone is moving at the top level, the New York City pace. This story of she's lost. But I want all of you to know I am not lost. I am exactly where I am meant to be. And for the first time in my life. I'm letting myself figure it out. I'm letting myself Slow down. And walk the path that feels good to me. And I'm learning to trust myself and my intuition and my 'body. for a while I have been really ashamed. Of the fact that I don't know where I'm going. In the same sense that I used to know. But it's almost like before I was on railroad tracks that someone else had defined for me, that the world had created But I realized that the train just kept going. It was never stopping. And so I got off the train and I started walking a path. I get lost along the way, but I know the general direction of where I'm going. And I'm moving slow enough that I get to smell the flowers. I get to see the animals and all the bugs and all the beauty and the wonder that nature has to offer. And in this process, I have. Found myself and I'm still finding. I'm still evolving. And I have complete and total permission within myself to change. in case you've been in a state of undoing and becoming and there's fear or shame within it. Keep going. Keep going because this is at the center of what it means to be dangerously alive. you get to show up so fully as whoever you choose to be. But knowing that that can feel dangerous to your system. But I promise you that that aliveness It's everything. you are not alone on this journey. In fact, I'd love to hear from you. Feel free to reach out on Instagram at underscore dangerously alive. And share your story. it's so important that we share our stories with one another It is my mission that every woman is showing up fully in her full bodied hell yes energy. can you just imagine what impact that will have on the world? If this episode resonated with you, please follow the show. It helps us so much. As well as I invite you to share it with someone else who needs to hear this. I'm Cat Boyko. and it is my greatest wish that this episode leaves you feeling just a little bit more dangerously alive.