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The ONE Person Avoidants NEVER Fully Let Go Of · The Art of Love With Lucia

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  If an avoidant truly lets you go, you are gone.
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  No nostalgia, no lingering attachment.
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  But if they don't, it's because something about you disrupted
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  their usual emotional shutdown. And that type of disruption does
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  not fade. You see, avoidance cope by
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  compartmentalizing. And they're very good at it.
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  And I should know because I'm a self aware, dismissive avoidant.
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  So we put people, relationships, and emotional experiences into
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  boxes. Then we close the box, lock it,
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  and move on. That's how avoidance avoid
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  dealing with feelings that feel overwhelming or unsafe.
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  But there is one box that just won't stay closed, darn it.
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  One person who does not fit neatly into a category.
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  One person whose presence in our mind refuses to be filed the way
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  and forgotten. And this is an obsession.
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  And it's not longing in the romantic sense.
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  It's an emotional experience that our nervous system never
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  fully resolved, and so our brain keeps returning to it, trying to
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  integrate something that didn't fit our usual pattern of
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  detachment and emotional shutdown.
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  And because it never fully gets integrated, it stays active.
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  And that's the person that avoidance don't truly let go of.
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  So who is this magical person? What traits do they have?
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  Do you have one or more of those traits?
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  We'll stay tuned and you'll find out.
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  Hi, if you're new here, my name is Lucia.
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  I'm a dating and relationship expert specializing in helping
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  you get your ex back or to get over them.
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  And if you're not new, then you are part of my no contact army
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  and welcome back. Thanks for being here again.
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  OK, so who is this person who avoidance cannot forget?
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  This person is often the one who made them feel safe enough to
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  open up. Because when an avoidant shares
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  their deepest fears or insecurities or their childhood
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  wounds, they're actually violating their own internal
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  rules. They're exposed.
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  And if you were someone who handled that vulnerability with
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  real care, without judging, without dismissing it, and
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  without ever using it against them later, then you showed them
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  something that their nervous system didn't believe was
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  possible. That is, that being vulnerable
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  doesn't always have to end in pain, that being fully seen
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  doesn't automatically lead to rejection.
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  Think of it like someone who's afraid of dogs because they've
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  had bad experiences in the past, until one day they meet a dog
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  that's calm and loving and protective.
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  That doesn't totally erase their fear of dogs, but it becomes the
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  exception. So you become that exception
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  even if the relationship ended, even if the years have passed,
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  even if there's with someone new now, their nervous system is
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  going to remember the safety that you created.
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  You become the benchmark for what trust feels like.
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  Avoidance. Also, don't forget the person
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  who stayed calm when they deactivated.
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  We all know about avoidance deactivation, right?
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  So when they pulled away emotionally, when they became
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  distant or unavailable, when they withdrew instead of
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  communicating, you did not panic, you did not beg, you did
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  not demand reassurance, and you did not abandon them either.
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  You witnessed them in a state they usually hide, and you
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  stayed regulated. And that creates a bond deeper
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  than romantic love, because for an avoidant whose deepest fear
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  is abandonment, this teaches them that love doesn't require
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  constant validation or perfect behavior.
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  So how you respond when they pull away determines whether you
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  become forgettable or unforgettable.
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  And if you would like to be unforgettable and you would like
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  help to get your ex back, avoid or not, you can contact me at
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  theartoflove.net/coaching and we will send you the rates.
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  They are not on the website and the link to that, the direct
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  link is underneath every single video and podcast.
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  OK, next you had a life that didn't revolve around them.
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  You had passions, goals, social life and identity that existed
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  outside the relationship. You wanted them, but you didn't
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  need them to feel whole. And this matters because most
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  avoidance eventually experienced partners who start orbiting
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  around them, becoming anxious whenever they need space.
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  But you didn't do that. You represented intimacy without
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  engulfment, connection without suffocation.
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  You proved that being a relationship doesn't
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  automatically mean losing yourself, and that experience
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  becomes their reference point for what healthy intimacy looks
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  like. Also, when your needs weren't
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  being met, you didn't beg for consistency.
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  You didn't ask foreclosure, you didn't create drama or guilt
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  trip them. You simply calmly stated your
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  boundaries and if they crossed them, you walked away.
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  And for an avoidant who's used to people chasing them because
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  they're always pulling back, so often they're dating someone
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  who's anxious and the anxious person is going to start chasing
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  when the avoidant pulls back. So when they're used to people
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  chasing them and accepting half hearted effort yourself respect
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  and walking away is going to be shocking to them.
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  You became the one who got away because you valued yourself too
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  much to accept less. And that kind of self respect
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  and self worth leaves a permanent mark.
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  And by the way, if you're in no contact with your avoidant and
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  you're having a hard time not reaching out, not chasing them,
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  then be sure to check out my app Silencio, available in both the
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  App Store and in Google Play to help you stay in no contact.
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  And while you're at it, check out my book available at
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  nocontactsecrets.com, where you can read 2 free chapters before
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  purchasing the book, and the link for both is underneath
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  every single video and podcast. OK, the next trait of someone
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  avoidance cannot forget is that you recognize that they were
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  avoidant and instead of using that knowledge to control them
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  or try to fix them, instead you used it as a map.
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  So you worked with their wiring instead of against it.
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  You gave them space without making it about you.
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  You didn't take their withdrawal personally because it's not
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  personal, although everyone wants to think it is.
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  You understood their patterns were protective mechanisms that
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  were developed in childhood. Being understood without being
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  made to feel broken is actually one of the most powerful
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  experiences an avoidance or actually anyone can have.
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  That's what we all want, someone who just understands us without
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  us having to explain ourselves constantly.
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  And that level of understanding creates a bond that goes far
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  beyond romantic attachment. And also, another trait would be
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  that your presence shifted something in them.
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  Maybe they finally went to therapy.
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  Maybe they finally began recognizing their patterns.
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  Maybe they started healing wounds that they had ignored for
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  years. You didn't force the
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  transformation, you inspired it. So if your relationship prompted
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  them to work on themselves, then you're not just an ex, you are
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  part of their transformation story because you change the
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  trajectory of how they relate to people.
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  That's huge. That does not go away.
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  And finally, avoidance. Do not forget the person who
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  made them break their own rules. They swore they would never
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  commit. They would never say I love you
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  first. They would never get married,
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  they would never introduce someone to family.
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  They would never build a future. And yet they did.
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  Not because you demanded it. Not because you manipulated it,
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  but because being with you made them question everything they
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  thought they knew about themselves.
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  You expanded their understanding of what they're capable of
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  feeling and doing. Avoidance.
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  Don't easily forget people who are the exception to their
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  rules, who made them question everything they thought they
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  knew. You proved their rules weren't
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  as absolute as they thought, and that realization does not just
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  disappear. So not every unforgettable
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  person gets a reunion. Not every unresolved bond leads
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  to a reconciliation. But being unforgettable was
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  never about chasing or proving your worth.
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  It's about how they felt in your presence and what that feeling
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  woke up in them. And that's the one box avoidance
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  cannot fully close. So now I want to hear from you.
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  How many, if any, of these traits do you have?
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  And if you're trying to get your ex back and don't want to make
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  any mistakes that will push them further away, be sure to
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  subscribe so you don't miss out on any future videos and
• 10:04
  podcasts. And in the meantime, remember
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  that love inspires. Empowers of live's end
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  enlightens.