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The Reckoning · Inside The Consulting Room - Understanding the Child Behind the Behaviour

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome back.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: This is Kim Lee, child and adolescent psychotherapist in the Children's Consultancy.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: This is episode five in the series about the avoidant personality style and the empath.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: And the series is focused on the dynamic interchange between the two and how initially it seems to work, but how ultimately and somewhat inevitably it falls apart.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: Now, in the last episode, I talked about when the empath walks away.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I did this because there is a point at which the empath is somebody who, despite their continued, consistent and reliable attention, finally has enough.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not a sudden moment.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's when the collective experiences come together and the empath breaks.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: At that point, they don't necessarily become angry or loud.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: They simply accept the decision that they've been delaying for some while.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: And they leave.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: And very often they cut all contact.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: And this is sometimes experienced as punishment, but it's not.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's for the purpose of seeking clarity and recovering so that they can go back to the person they once were before the damage occurred.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: This episode is called the reckoning.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: The day that the empath stops sacrificing themselves for a relationship that can no longer sustain them.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: And it's the day they choose survival over hope.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: So we talk about what happens next, not to the empath, but to the avoidant.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: Because this is the part of the story that most people never really see.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: And perhaps it's the part that most people misunderstand.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: You see, when the empath leaves, they do not begin grieving.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: This is the avoidant, they don't begin grieving at that point.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: They have often been grieving for someone.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: The empath has been grieving the loss that has been developing over a while.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes months, sometimes years.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's the loneliness, the repeated disappointment, the unmet needs, the repeated cycles.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: And the relationship has been breaking them for a very, very long time.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: But the avoidance experience is often very different because avoidance has a strange relationship with pain.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: The clue is in the word avoidant.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: And what it does is it delays, it delays the pain, it delays the realization and the reality because that's what it's for.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: It postpones discomfort, grief, accountability.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: But postponement is not the same as avoided pain, because it's simply waiting and eventually it arrives.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: And in the beginning, many avoidants experience something unexpected.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's a curious kind of relief.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: Not because the empath was somebody who put them under pressure, but because they no longer have to face the constant reminders that actually they are taking and not giving.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: So that tension is gone.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: The potential for difficult conversations is gone.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: The emotional pressure that they place upon themselves is gone.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: The demands are gone, whatever the demands were perceived to be.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: So the relationship that often felt overwhelming for the avoidant has disappeared.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: And for a while, that feels easier.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: And this is the point where many people become confused because they think the avoidant is unaffected.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: They think the avoidant never really cared.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: And they think the avoidant has simply moved on because that's the message they will give through their behavior or through what they explicitly state.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: But what is really happening is what's ri what's really being witnessed is emotional delay.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: Because the nervous system finally has space, and in that space the reality of loss has not yet arrived.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: But the avoidant carries on and works, socializes, distracts themselves, keeps busy, keeps moving.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: And then one day something happens.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: Could be a photograph, song, a memory, an association, the mention of the empath's name.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes just nothing at all.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: And suddenly the absence becomes visible.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because the person who is who was who always answered no longer answers.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: The person who always stayed no matter what is no longer there.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: And the person who always understood is just no longer listening.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: And the person who always came back hasn't.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: And for the first time, the avoidant begins to understand that this is not another cycle, this is not an argument, this is not another temporary situation.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: This is over.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: And that is when the reckoning begins.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Not with the the loss of the relationship, although of course that is true as well, but it's with the loss of certainty.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because for years there was an assumption, conscious or unconscious, and encouraged by the empath.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: And that that assumption was that the empath would remain.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: They would always understand.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: They would forgive, they would give another chance and another chance and another chance.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: That they would absorb another disappointment, that they would continue carrying what the avoidant couldn't.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: And now they're gone.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: The safety net has disappeared.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: And if crisis enters the avoidant's life, this time, the empath isn't there.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: Because the certainty of their behavior has just disappeared.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: What was familiar and relied upon is gone.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: And suddenly suddenly the empath has to face the fact that when this person walked away, they meant it.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: And there were reasons why.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: So suddenly the avoidant is left alone with something they've spent years trying to escape.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: And that is themselves.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: No distractions, no explanations, no rationalizations, no one else's feelings, the focus on just silence.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: And in that silence, that's when the memories become apparent, they begin surfacing.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: Conversations that they dismissed, needs they minimized, moments they withdraw.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes this happens during the night, the point at which there are no distractions, the point at which the unconscious mind can find expression through dreams.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: And they will remember the promises that were made that they never fulfilled, the opportunities they never took, and the terrible thing about hindsight is that it arrives with real clarity.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: And clarity often arrives too late because the avoidant begins joining the dots that they conveniently thought were unrelated.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: It was never about arguments or complaints.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: The empath wasn't reacting to one disappointment.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: They were reacting to hundreds and hundreds.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: Hundreds of moments that accumulated over years.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: And suddenly what once felt like pressure begins to look different.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: It begins to look like effort.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: What once felt like criticism begins to look like communication.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: What once felt like neediness begins to look like longing.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: What once felt irritating begins to look like investment.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where the pain often becomes unbearable because the avoidance starts realizing that many of the things they defended themselves against were actually attempts to love them, attempts to reach them, attempts to save or have the relationship, which they are very often not the ones who initiate it.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: Attempts they repeatedly misunderstood, and now there is nobody left to explain it because the gap that has been left is an incredibly hard one to fill.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody left to give another opportunity, not this time.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: The avoidant discovers something profoundly uncomfortable.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: The empath wasn't asking for perfection, they were asking for participation.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: Not perfection, participation.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: And that realization can shatter a person because they finally see what was being offered, and they finally see that they failed to do anything with it.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: Now, some avoidants respond to this reckoning by finding someone else just repeating the cycle, seeking distraction, seeking validation, escape.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: Anything that postpones the pain, anything that postpones self-examination and responsibility.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: And for a while that may work.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: But the lesson remains and it's waiting to be taken because every unresolved pattern eventually reappears.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: And if you look back into the historical pattern of the avoidant, they will have they they will have done this many times before.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: It could be with friends, it could be with partners, it could be with family members.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's the same pattern again and again.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: And that's a very slow intentional process.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: And it is very rare to see that happen in my experience.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: It has to be faced, it has to be owned until it's understood.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where the real tragedy lies.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: Not in losing the empath, the tragedy is realizing that the person who loved you most consistently spent years trying to reach you while you were busy protecting yourself from them.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's smart.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: The tragedy is understanding too late what they were actually asking for.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: The tragedy is watching somebody heal from the very relationship that was destroying them.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: And then comes, perhaps, the hardest of all.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: The avoidant discovers that the empath is not only recovering, they're thriving.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: They're not waiting or watching or hoping.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: They're rebuilding, they're growing, moving forward, creating a life that no longer resolves around that relationship.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: And suddenly another truth emerges.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: The relationship wasn't the only thing they lost.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: They lost access.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: Access to the person who understood them better than anyone else.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: Access to the person who defended them, believed in them, waited for them, loved them through things many others would not tolerate.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: And that loss is enormous.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: Not because the empath was perfect, but because they were present.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: And presence is only often appreciated once it's gone.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: Now before we finish, I want to say something important.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: The reckoning is not punishment, it's not revenge, it's not karma, although some people believe otherwise.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's reality.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: Reality arriving after years of postponement.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: Reality asking questions that can no longer be avoided.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: And reality that demands honesty.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: Not from the empath.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: The empath stopped worrying about things like that a long time back.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: And if the avoidant is willing to face that reality in themselves, something can happen.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: Growth.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: And that's because the reckoning isn't the end.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's an invitation.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: An invitation to stop running, hiding, manipulating.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: An invitation to stop confusing distance with safety.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: An invitation to face the fears.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where we're going next.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: Because in our final episode, we're going to talk about recovery, not just for the empathy, for the empath, for both people, and why this end of a relationship can sometimes become the beginning of a very different life.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: I talk about recognition.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: Then the reckoning and then recovery.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: When the empath leaves, it's because they have fully recognized what they've been experiencing.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: They fully recognize the damage.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: The reckoning comes in the taking action, the doing something, which includes self-examination, but principally it comes from walking away.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: Not confrontation.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: It comes from the walking away.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: Then it's possible to reach the final point.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the recovery.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.