Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / Are you lonely? A MUST LISTEN ❤️‍🩹

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Are you lonely? A MUST LISTEN ❤️‍🩹 · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Apogae Production.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Welcome to the shep Risers Podcast. I'm Ashley and I'm Tiana.
• 0:14
  Speaker 3: This podcast is.
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  Speaker 4: About female empowerment and encouraging you to be your biggest, boldest,
• 0:18
  Speaker 4: and most authentic version of yourself.
• 0:20
  Speaker 2: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.
• 0:23
  Speaker 2: We're gonna laugh and cry and talk about the topics
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: everyone else is too afraid to talk about.
• 0:28
  Speaker 4: Get ready for your next level of self.
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: Today we're talking about loneliness. This is something that we
• 0:34
  Speaker 2: have noticed come into our dms, come onto our forum,
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: we experience. I noticed a lot of Tiana's content last
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: week was about loneliness.
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  Speaker 1: Yes, And I.
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  Speaker 2: Said of a text of like are you okay? Yes,
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  Speaker 2: she did hear you can comfortably profile you know. I
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: just felt like you might have been feeling lonely and
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  Speaker 2: it's just a topic it coming up, so like, let's
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  Speaker 2: talk about it, because I don't really hear anyone talk
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  Speaker 2: about it, yet we all experience it, regardless of how
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: many people we have in our life.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, I think it's a really important thing to cover because,
• 1:01
  Speaker 4: like what you mentioned, no one talks about it, but
• 1:03
  Speaker 4: everyone experiences it, and I think it's really important for
• 1:06
  Speaker 4: us to be able to learn how to shift mentally
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  Speaker 4: out from that lonely state and like in the thick
• 1:11
  Speaker 4: of it, into a more productive place. It's going to
• 1:13
  Speaker 4: benefit us and help us learn how to navigate those
• 1:16
  Speaker 4: feelings of loneliness when they do come up.
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  Speaker 2: And like I said, we've all felt a sense of loneliness.
• 1:22
  Speaker 2: I think I've felt it more in my younger years,
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: when I didn't know how to enjoy my own company
• 1:28
  Speaker 2: and I didn't have my own back, yeah, and I
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: was always looking for outside people to validate me, to
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: have their overflow, to fill me up, to fix me,
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: to save me. And I feel like the last couple
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: of years, probably the last two years, I've really learned
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: to enjoy my own company. So now when I'm going
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: through stuff, I still lean on my friends, as you
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: know you and Steve a lot. However, I do sit
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: with myself now and I enjoy my own company, and
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: I'm learning to have my own back more and to
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: be able to soothe and regulate by myself. So I
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: don't feel lonely these days copared to what I used to, yeah,
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: when I was always needing it from outside people.
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  Speaker 4: I think a lot of women be able to resonate
• 2:11
  Speaker 4: with that of like leaning on other people when you
• 2:13
  Speaker 4: are feeling lonely, because it is a scary thing. And sometimes,
• 2:16
  Speaker 4: at least in my experience as well, I can resonate with,
• 2:19
  Speaker 4: you know, relying on other people.
• 2:21
  Speaker 3: To avoid feeling lonely.
• 2:23
  Speaker 4: Yes, you know, like using other people or busy relationships
• 2:26
  Speaker 4: is a clutch almost, like I know for me, like
• 2:28
  Speaker 4: I've had like six relationships total since I was probably
• 2:30
  Speaker 4: like fourteen. Right when I was younger, I remember feeling
• 2:34
  Speaker 4: in those moments like I can't be myself without having
• 2:37
  Speaker 4: a relationship because I rely on that person so much
• 2:40
  Speaker 4: emotionally to make sure that I'm not crumbling that they
• 2:43
  Speaker 4: become a clutch for me to avoid the way that
• 2:46
  Speaker 4: I felt internally about myself or just the natural things
• 2:50
  Speaker 4: that would come up day to day, like loneliness or
• 2:52
  Speaker 4: any self doubt or anything that was really uncomfortable to
• 2:55
  Speaker 4: face and look at.
• 2:56
  Speaker 3: So I can definitely resonate with that.
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  Speaker 4: And I think as you become better at facing yourself
• 3:03
  Speaker 4: dealing with the things that come up for you, you're
• 3:06
  Speaker 4: not as scared of what's going to come up. And
• 3:08
  Speaker 4: I think that's a real common theme, Like I've got
• 3:10
  Speaker 4: my clients experiencing that, you know, people on social media
• 3:13
  Speaker 4: comment on my posts and stuff, all experiencing this insane
• 3:17
  Speaker 4: amount of loneliness, but like not really knowing what to
• 3:20
  Speaker 4: do with it when it comes.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's really hard.
• 3:23
  Speaker 2: Is The cool thing about getting to sit with yourself
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: and enjoying your own company is like say, before you
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: came along, like I've got beautiful friends whatever, But we
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: definitely are quite inseparable. We do a lot together.
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: We love it.
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  Speaker 2: I wasn't lonely, but it highlighted for me too. Yes,
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  Speaker 2: I enjoyed my own company, but I also really value friendship.
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: I really love.
• 3:42
  Speaker 2: Doing things with people, and we've spoken about how lonely
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: business can be. And when it came to my old
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: co host leaving, there was a period there of should
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: I do this by myself? And I did the Twelve
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: Days of Christmas by myself, one to see if I'd
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: enjoy it, and two to see if I was capable
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  Speaker 2: because I had a limited belief that I needed someone
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: else with me. But ultimate decision to get another host
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: on Akau was I don't want to do it by myself. Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: it's lonely. I like spending time by myself, but I
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: want someone to go through the hard times together with,
• 4:13
  Speaker 2: to celebrate the winds, to grow, to learn from each other,
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  Speaker 2: to make you pack together, to travel together to all
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  Speaker 2: the things. And I had that with Steve with Hideaway too.
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: Just like having a partner that you get to do
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  Speaker 2: all that together. It's so freaking cool. But it's a
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  Speaker 2: balance of like not needing that person to do that
• 4:30
  Speaker 2: for you to be able to be by yourself through
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  Speaker 2: your shit as well, sooth and regulate yourself without other
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  Speaker 2: people too.
• 4:37
  Speaker 3: What you were just saying around not needing it.
• 4:39
  Speaker 4: It's almost like if there is a beautiful balance, You've
• 4:41
  Speaker 4: got to be able to be okay with being on
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  Speaker 4: your own, doing things on your own, navigating life on
• 4:47
  Speaker 4: your own, navigating your challenges, and really what it is
• 4:50
  Speaker 4: is being reliant on yourself.
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  Speaker 1: Love.
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  Speaker 3: You've got to be able to rely.
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  Speaker 4: On yourself in those moments, but also there gets to
• 4:57
  Speaker 4: be both. There gets to be both of you relying
• 4:59
  Speaker 4: on yourself but equally valuing connection with others. And when
• 5:02
  Speaker 4: you're reliant on people to help you to with the
• 5:05
  Speaker 4: loneliness is when you know that you're not dealing with
• 5:07
  Speaker 4: it on your own, but when you know that you
• 5:08
  Speaker 4: can be okay without them, then when they do come,
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  Speaker 4: you value it.
• 5:12
  Speaker 3: So much more.
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  Speaker 4: Definitely, you're not trying to like hold them down and
• 5:15
  Speaker 4: make them stay and experiencings with them and go, holy shit,
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  Speaker 4: I'd be lost without you or I would crumble without you,
• 5:20
  Speaker 4: but also knowing like you can handle things on your
• 5:23
  Speaker 4: own too.
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  Speaker 2: And I think that impacts relationships in a positive way
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: because in hindsight, I can see how past friendships would
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: have felt a bit suffocated by me, because I think
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: it came from such an anxious place of abandonment and
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: needing them and I didn't want to be alone that
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: I think it could have felt like a lot, whereas
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: now I think my friendships are so much healthier because
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: it's not coming from an anxious place. It's coming from
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: a very genuine, authentic pool and alignment and connection rather
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: than like anxious please stay, don't leave me, I need you.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, you know, I disagree. You're not suffocating, but.
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: In the past maybe I would have.
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: I think our friendship is coming from a different energy
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: to what mine would have five years ago, and that's
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: where I can take ownership and some friendship breakdowns of
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: the part that I played. I think everyone plays their
• 6:08
  Speaker 2: own roles sure, Like you always say, all you can
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: do is clean up your own laying right. And there's
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: probably times in my intimate relationship too that would have
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: shown up for Steve too. I would have been co
• 6:16
  Speaker 2: dependent on him, yeah, and needed him and relied on
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  Speaker 2: him and wasn't able to soothe myself.
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: I don't think it's a healthy way to be in
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  Speaker 2: a relationship, and it doesn't feel good for other parties. Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: learn to sit with your lonely. It's actually okay for
• 6:28
  Speaker 2: you to feel lonely too. It's not going to kill you.
• 6:31
  Speaker 2: It's okay for you to sit there and go, shit,
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  Speaker 2: what's coming up for me? And to explore that it's
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: an invitation to grow and to see what's really coming
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  Speaker 2: up for you.
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  Speaker 4: It's funny because when it comes up, it doesn't matter
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  Speaker 4: whether you actually have nobody around and whether you're surrounded
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  Speaker 4: by people.
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  Speaker 3: It will still come up.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, and it will.
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  Speaker 4: Surprise you in the most random moments. But like what
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  Speaker 4: you said, when you rely on other people so much,
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  Speaker 4: you almost put pressure on that relationship for them to
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  Speaker 4: be everything for you, and we just can't. We don't
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  Speaker 4: get to do that, Like it's hard for us to
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  Speaker 4: put pressure on everyone to be everything for us. That's
• 7:01
  Speaker 4: when that self responsibility has to come in and go like,
• 7:04
  Speaker 4: holy shit, I need to look after myself here, because
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  Speaker 4: if I can't look after myself, how is somebody else
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  Speaker 4: going to be able to do that too? Like, we
• 7:10
  Speaker 4: just create a safe place for ourselves. And I can
• 7:13
  Speaker 4: one hundred percent resonate what you were saying. I was
• 7:16
  Speaker 4: definitely an anxious friend way back when, and I know
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  Speaker 4: my behavior one hundred percent was too much for past friendships.
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  Speaker 4: Like the friendship literally ended because it was overbearing, yes, you.
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  Speaker 3: Know, and it did.
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  Speaker 4: It come from not a good place because I was
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  Speaker 4: running from myself.
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  Speaker 3: I couldn't handle it.
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  Speaker 4: I was hoping that other people's love and acceptance and
• 7:35
  Speaker 4: approval would soothe me, would soothe me. I was trying
• 7:38
  Speaker 4: to seek like that sense of safety and roundedness outside
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  Speaker 4: of me and being like, oh, my God, through your love,
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  Speaker 4: I get to feel this way about myself.
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  Speaker 3: But it's not.
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  Speaker 4: It's like through the love of myself, even in the
• 7:52
  Speaker 4: things that are uncomfortable, even in the loneliness, you know,
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  Speaker 4: loving yourself through the discomfort of what comes up for
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  Speaker 4: you and just like holding a safe space for yourself like.
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  Speaker 3: You would a best friend.
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  Speaker 2: Where do you think that comes from? You think it
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  Speaker 2: comes from our childoo, because both of us can we
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: have relatability and that that we were the anxious friend
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  Speaker 2: that was seeking outside validation to feel safe and loved.
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  Speaker 2: Do you think that stems from our childhood? That's truly
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: got to be a deep rooted wound, and we've obviously
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: moved through that now and that's why we have healthier
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  Speaker 2: relationships now.
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  Speaker 1: But I wonder where that comes.
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  Speaker 3: From, the sense of abandonment.
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  Speaker 4: I would say so, yeah, I would say so and Dad, he.
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  Speaker 2: Sucked me out, and dads, I'm going loved kidding, love
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  Speaker 2: me mom.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah.
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  Speaker 4: Again, this is one of those conversations people think that
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  Speaker 4: abandonment is like this be huge trauma. It's not the
• 8:43
  Speaker 4: size of the trauma. Trauma is not the size of
• 8:45
  Speaker 4: the trauma. It's the way that it psychologically impacted you. Yes,
• 8:48
  Speaker 4: it could be the smallest thing, but it impacted you
• 8:51
  Speaker 4: in a large way. And that's why you can't compare trauma.
• 8:54
  Speaker 4: You can't compare experiences that you've had to me to
• 8:57
  Speaker 4: the next person because it's not about that's how it
• 9:00
  Speaker 4: left an imprint on us when we were that age.
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: They well explained.
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  Speaker 2: I remember having a friend and and she's like, I
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: have no trauma. First of all, Red like, get you
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: do it. She was like, I haven't been raped, I
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: haven't been kidnapped, I haven't been stolen from I was like, wow,
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  Speaker 2: is that your perception of trauma. She's like, well, when
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: someone says trauma, it's a traumatic event, right, I'm like, yeah,
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: but it could be micro moments that you felt abandoned
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: by your parents, or someone didn't see you or hear you,
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: or you were pushed to the side or sent to
• 9:24
  Speaker 2: your room. It can be the micro moments that as
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: a child leaves huge impact that impacts the rest of
• 9:31
  Speaker 2: your life, especially from age zero to seven.
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  Speaker 4: And when you're a child as well, that's your whole life.
• 9:36
  Speaker 4: Your parents, you're inside, your physical home is your whole life.
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  Speaker 4: You don't have friends yet, yeah, maybe not even going
• 9:42
  Speaker 4: to school.
• 9:43
  Speaker 3: Yet, Like do you know what I mean?
• 9:44
  Speaker 4: It's like, that's the whole world. So of course it's
• 9:46
  Speaker 4: going to have some level of impact on you in
• 9:48
  Speaker 4: a great way. So yeah, I definitely think it is
• 9:50
  Speaker 4: due to childhood and not saying that I had a
• 9:52
  Speaker 4: bad childhood or anything like that. But the little micro
• 9:55
  Speaker 4: moments that impacted me in that way one made me
• 9:58
  Speaker 4: an anxious human who felt the need to get validation
• 10:01
  Speaker 4: outside of myself. But also the self responsibility from that
• 10:05
  Speaker 4: is as an adult, I continued to abandon myself, right, So, yes,
• 10:10
  Speaker 4: I felt a sense of abandonment. But as I continue
• 10:13
  Speaker 4: to get older, I abandoned myself and then that created
• 10:16
  Speaker 4: my own microtraumas from my own behavior, you know. So
• 10:20
  Speaker 4: then I continued to look for validation in other people
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  Speaker 4: because I was just like, well, I need your validation
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  Speaker 4: because I don't know how to give it to myself.
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  Speaker 3: I don't know how to be that for myself, and
• 10:29
  Speaker 3: a lot of people don't know.
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  Speaker 2: And it's also hard, like I'm like, oh, how I
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: fucked Taje up? I wonder one of those first seven
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: years I gave him enough validation All the time will tell.
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: But it's so scary as a parent because you understand
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: all of this and you just don't want to fuck
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: your kids up. You don't want to do things that
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: can impact or create those kind of wounds.
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  Speaker 4: Everything that we experience is going to create micro traumas
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  Speaker 4: In a way, it doesn't matter what it is. It
• 10:52
  Speaker 4: doesn't matter how much we try to bubble rat and do.
• 10:54
  Speaker 4: All you can do is to what you can do
• 10:56
  Speaker 4: to prevent it from happening, which you do so beautifully
• 10:59
  Speaker 4: day to day. I've witnessed you parent and I'm so
• 11:02
  Speaker 4: inspired by you in it makes me excited to be
• 11:04
  Speaker 4: a parent. But it's like, all you can do is go, Okay,
• 11:08
  Speaker 4: how can I prevent as much as possible and then
• 11:10
  Speaker 4: give him the tools to be able to handle it
• 11:12
  Speaker 4: moving forward when he's an adult.
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, it's scary being a parent, though I
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: could imagine.
• 11:18
  Speaker 4: Goodness, why do you think I haven't become one yet.
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: Let's talk about what we do when we've felt lonely
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: in the past. I definitely know what I've done. I've
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: eaten and turned to food, and I've scrolled to numb
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: out like I'll turn to my phone and I'll.
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: Keep really fucking busy so that I have to feel it.
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: Yes, I've just gone straight into my work and hustled, hustled, hustled,
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: and in my work in the past, there's always something.
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: To do, so it's very easy to do. Yeah, it's very.
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: Easy to just like hide behind the loneliness and not
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: let anyone know how I was feeling because I was.
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: Just so busy. Yes, it's so easy to do.
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: I will notice, like my feet walking to the pantry
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: and I'm not hungry, and I'm noticing that I'm wanting
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: a snack and I'm super aware of it.
• 12:01
  Speaker 4: Now.
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: I'm like, are you really hungry? What's happening here for you?
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: What do you wanna do with it? Do you want
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: to get a snack and then sit with it? Or
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: sit with it? And I'll notice I want to get
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: to have a scroll. And sometimes, you know what, sometimes
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: I allow a ten to fifteen minute moment for myself
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: to have a numbless scroll and I'm like, okay, right,
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: let's sit with this. Yeah, coming up, light your candle,
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: put some music on so it comes up. Like I
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: refuse to abandon myself and let that build up to
• 12:24
  Speaker 2: be a big explosion later on.
• 12:25
  Speaker 4: I can resonate with the working thing. You're right, it
• 12:29
  Speaker 4: is so easy because there is always something to do,
• 12:31
  Speaker 4: so you can never not be busy. If you're productive,
• 12:34
  Speaker 4: You're like, oh my god, I'm moving the needle forward
• 12:36
  Speaker 4: in my business excellent, amazing, I'm not lonely. Let's just
• 12:40
  Speaker 4: throw that shit over my shoulder and part that let me.
• 12:44
  Speaker 3: Yeah, so I've definitely done that.
• 12:45
  Speaker 4: I've specifically have numb myself in relationships, so I distract
• 12:49
  Speaker 4: myself with men in the past.
• 12:51
  Speaker 3: Not now, but debatable. I'm just kidding.
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: Not today, I maybe last week.
• 13:01
  Speaker 4: But when I was younger, it was definitely my clutch
• 13:03
  Speaker 4: because relationships were away for me to feel really good
• 13:06
  Speaker 4: about myself. I got a lot of validation. I got
• 13:09
  Speaker 4: to have sex, I got to be close attention. I
• 13:11
  Speaker 4: was always somebody to rely on emotionally, So I really
• 13:14
  Speaker 4: leant towards having intimate relationships because I got that sense
• 13:18
  Speaker 4: of relief. Those were probably my biggest ways. That and
• 13:22
  Speaker 4: just any kind of form of distraction and struction. When
• 13:25
  Speaker 4: I was younger, I used to drink a lot, So honestly,
• 13:27
  Speaker 4: I used to numb out a lot with drinking. Yeah,
• 13:29
  Speaker 4: you know, because I got to be my carefree self
• 13:31
  Speaker 4: who didn't have a care in the world, who had
• 13:34
  Speaker 4: you know, all of our inhibitions were gone and I
• 13:36
  Speaker 4: was just confident, fierce Tiana. I just didn't give a
• 13:38
  Speaker 4: fuck about what anybody thought about her until I would
• 13:41
  Speaker 4: wake up the next day and it would hit me
• 13:42
  Speaker 4: like a ton.
• 13:42
  Speaker 3: Of bricks, you know.
• 13:43
  Speaker 4: So I was feeling yeah, But then, you know, as
• 13:46
  Speaker 4: I grew, I realized those coping mechanisms weren't productive. You know,
• 13:50
  Speaker 4: went celibate for like two and a half years, decided
• 13:53
  Speaker 4: to wean away from that, stopped drinking completely, stop doing drugs,
• 13:55
  Speaker 4: all that sort of stuff, and then just realized that
• 13:58
  Speaker 4: like the only way to get over it is to
• 14:00
  Speaker 4: go through it. Isn't that true, And when you show
• 14:04
  Speaker 4: yourself it's not scary thing to feel, and you're not
• 14:07
  Speaker 4: going to die by feeling it, it actually like dissolves.
• 14:10
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's like a little tug.
• 14:11
  Speaker 4: It's like almost like you're standing up and there's like
• 14:13
  Speaker 4: a two year old version of you tugging on your
• 14:16
  Speaker 4: shirt or your pants, Like.
• 14:18
  Speaker 3: Can you look at me? I just need you to
• 14:19
  Speaker 3: look here for a second.
• 14:20
  Speaker 4: I just can I have some attention or love or
• 14:23
  Speaker 4: praise or just tell me that everything's going to be okay.
• 14:25
  Speaker 4: And then when you do that, it's like, okay, cool,
• 14:28
  Speaker 4: I'm good. I'm going to go play now. Yeah, you know,
• 14:31
  Speaker 4: and like when you can be.
• 14:32
  Speaker 3: That for yourself, it soothes that.
• 14:34
  Speaker 4: Part of you that is longing for someone to come
• 14:36
  Speaker 4: and tell you that it's going to be okay, so nice.
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I love that.
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: So for anyone listening and they're like, fuck, I just
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: feel so lonely right now in life and everything. Do
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: you have any advice on how I can kind of
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: move through that?
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: More? Do you advise if a client came to you? So,
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: I'm just so fucking lonely, Tianna, and I'm so sad.
• 14:55
  Speaker 4: I think the first thing that I would say is
• 14:57
  Speaker 4: toist acknowledge that it's there. You know, I think a
• 15:00
  Speaker 4: lot of the times we've run from the loneliness. And
• 15:02
  Speaker 4: even if you admit it, are you really giving yourself
• 15:04
  Speaker 4: permission to feel it?
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: Yeah?
• 15:06
  Speaker 3: Like, are you really.
• 15:07
  Speaker 4: Giving yourself half an hour to just sit and feel
• 15:09
  Speaker 4: the emotions and let yourself cry and let all the
• 15:12
  Speaker 4: stories come to light of that you're not good enough,
• 15:15
  Speaker 4: or that people don't love you, or that you're never
• 15:17
  Speaker 4: going to be loved, You're never going to find your people, Like,
• 15:19
  Speaker 4: allow all of it to flood out and just be
• 15:23
  Speaker 4: present without judgment, Like you've got to just let it
• 15:26
  Speaker 4: be there and just acknowledge the fact that you're feeling lonely. Yeah,
• 15:30
  Speaker 4: you know, I think it's important to just note it first.
• 15:34
  Speaker 4: But the way that I would walk my client through
• 15:36
  Speaker 4: this is a simple perspective shift that will actually change
• 15:39
  Speaker 4: the game of how you deal with loneliness. So one
• 15:41
  Speaker 4: being able to acknowledge it, feel it, create space for it,
• 15:44
  Speaker 4: don't judge it, just let it be there. But just
• 15:47
  Speaker 4: know that this is the best time in your life.
• 15:50
  Speaker 4: The fact that you are going through a lonely phase
• 15:52
  Speaker 4: right now is the most productive thing that you can
• 15:55
  Speaker 4: do for your growth. That's cool, right because instead of
• 15:58
  Speaker 4: automatically falling into lack and going, holy shit, there's no
• 16:01
  Speaker 4: one in my life?
• 16:01
  Speaker 3: Where are they? Where's my friends?
• 16:02
  Speaker 4: Where's my life partner that I want to be with?
• 16:05
  Speaker 4: Why is nobody around me? You're focused on the lack.
• 16:07
  Speaker 4: But instead what you can do is go, holy shit,
• 16:11
  Speaker 4: I have so much time right now to get to
• 16:14
  Speaker 4: know myself, to create the woman that I actually want
• 16:17
  Speaker 4: to be, so that when the people who I actually
• 16:19
  Speaker 4: want in my life come around, they're gonna want to
• 16:22
  Speaker 4: stick around because they're a mirror of me.
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: That's so cool.
• 16:25
  Speaker 4: You get to literally go, Okay, who are the people
• 16:27
  Speaker 4: I'm trying to call in what do they do, how
• 16:30
  Speaker 4: do they act, how do they behave? What are their beliefs?
• 16:32
  Speaker 4: And then you get to go, holy shit, where am
• 16:34
  Speaker 4: I not that become that? Give yourself time now to
• 16:37
  Speaker 4: go holy shit, I am a work in progress so
• 16:40
  Speaker 4: that when those people come, I am fucking ready to
• 16:42
  Speaker 4: hold them when they come.
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: That's cool.
• 16:45
  Speaker 4: It's a beautiful way for you to not fall into
• 16:48
  Speaker 4: self doubt in this moment because it doesn't mean anything
• 16:51
  Speaker 4: about who you are. That's beautiful, It really doesn't. It
• 16:53
  Speaker 4: just means that in this season there are just less
• 16:56
  Speaker 4: people around.
• 16:58
  Speaker 2: What about the other day, I saw you did a
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: video and for anyone that missed it on your social media,
• 17:03
  Speaker 2: but you said you had a comment that they've been
• 17:04
  Speaker 2: low for twenty five years. I'd love you to explain
• 17:08
  Speaker 2: your take on that, because it's a long time to
• 17:11
  Speaker 2: feel lonely.
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 17:13
  Speaker 4: Yeah, My opinion on this is there's got to come
• 17:15
  Speaker 4: a point on your quotation's lonely journey where you are
• 17:18
  Speaker 4: taking responsibility for where you're creating your own suffering. Yeah,
• 17:22
  Speaker 4: and this is a very self responsibility angle to go down,
• 17:26
  Speaker 4: but it's a really necessary part of the journey because
• 17:29
  Speaker 4: you can sit back and go. Why is nobody coming
• 17:32
  Speaker 4: to me? Why does nobody want to be my friend?
• 17:34
  Speaker 4: Why is nobody going first? Why does nobody want to
• 17:37
  Speaker 4: make the effort to come see me? It's all about
• 17:40
  Speaker 4: waiting for the other person to come to you. Where
• 17:43
  Speaker 4: in that are we taking responsibility for going out and
• 17:45
  Speaker 4: getting what we want? After twenty five years, there's got
• 17:48
  Speaker 4: to come a point where we take responsibility for the
• 17:50
  Speaker 4: fact that I'm actually.
• 17:52
  Speaker 3: Just not putting myself out there.
• 17:53
  Speaker 4: Yes, right, we hide behind fear because we get blame mothers.
• 17:58
  Speaker 4: Let's say you going through a lonely period. You get
• 18:01
  Speaker 4: comfortable in isolation. You get comfortable being by yourself, have
• 18:05
  Speaker 4: anybody to do anything with. You're real safe, And instead
• 18:08
  Speaker 4: of putting yourself out there and going and talking to
• 18:10
  Speaker 4: the person at the gym, you choose to hide in
• 18:12
  Speaker 4: the corner instead. You get comfortable doing that that you
• 18:15
  Speaker 4: create a habit, You fucking lose your confidence and so
• 18:19
  Speaker 4: it just becomes this vicious cycle. But with that and
• 18:22
  Speaker 4: knowing that, just be aware that we get comfortable in
• 18:25
  Speaker 4: isolation and then it's actually our responsibility to go how
• 18:28
  Speaker 4: do I get myself out of this? So what I
• 18:30
  Speaker 4: would suggest and recommend is to make a pact with
• 18:33
  Speaker 4: yourself and make a challenge for the next three months.
• 18:37
  Speaker 4: Every single day, I'm going to create and start a
• 18:39
  Speaker 4: conversation with one person that I've never met col and
• 18:42
  Speaker 4: just get myself comfortable talking to people again, because you
• 18:46
  Speaker 4: will realize if you do that for three weeks time,
• 18:48
  Speaker 4: I promise you, you won't feel as scared to make new
• 18:50
  Speaker 4: connections and you'll actually meet a shit ton of people.
• 18:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you never know who you're going to meet, that
• 18:55
  Speaker 2: soul aligned you've been wanting someone like this in your life.
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you have to put yourself out thehay.
• 19:00
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: Love that aspect of taking responsibility.
• 19:03
  Speaker 4: It's really important on the journey. Otherwise we'll just get
• 19:06
  Speaker 4: stuck in feeling lonely forever and we will blame the
• 19:09
  Speaker 4: world for us being lonely.
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 19:11
  Speaker 4: And it's not a fun place to be. And you
• 19:13
  Speaker 4: have so much more power over yourself and your life
• 19:16
  Speaker 4: than that.
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: Don't make that at your emotional home. Yeah, not a
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: nice place to live. Oh.
• 19:20
  Speaker 2: As a mom too, I feel quite lucky with the
• 19:23
  Speaker 2: friends that I have in my life, Like you're my
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: newest friend, but I've got friends who happen twenty years
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: but a lot of moms I see in forums all
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: the time don't have friends. I don't have adult friends.
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: I feel like everyone's got kids and it makes time
• 19:34
  Speaker 2: for each other. Motherhood can be quite a lonely place.
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: But once again, you have to prioritize your time. Steve
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: knows how much I have valued my friends. I make
• 19:42
  Speaker 2: time for it, and I get a lot of shit
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: for it online. Weep were like, oh, she puts her
• 19:46
  Speaker 2: friends or a business or a partner before kids. It's like, no,
• 19:48
  Speaker 2: I just they're all important to me, and I'm a
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: better person when I'm valuing all the things that I enjoy.
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: And having female sisterhood friendship just lights me up so much.
• 19:59
  Speaker 2: And I also want my daughter and my son to
• 20:01
  Speaker 2: see healthy friendships. If I'm not role modeling that, how
• 20:05
  Speaker 2: are they going to know the importance of that. We
• 20:07
  Speaker 2: are meant to be in tribes and are not doing
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: life alone. Yeah, so put yourself out there if you
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: are listening to this being like, well, I have no friends.
• 20:15
  Speaker 2: I don't know how to make them. Like we literally
• 20:16
  Speaker 2: started talking at the gym. Put yourself in a mum's group,
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: go to a gym class, go to a sip and paint,
• 20:21
  Speaker 2: go to a breath work at the beach on Sunday morning,
• 20:24
  Speaker 2: dance class. Yeah, anything, There's so many cool places you
• 20:27
  Speaker 2: can meet people and you.
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: Just never know.
• 20:29
  Speaker 4: Think about how many places you go day to day.
• 20:31
  Speaker 4: Literally you walk past so many people. Say hello to
• 20:35
  Speaker 4: one person. Yeah, get out of your comfort zone, say hello,
• 20:38
  Speaker 4: be courageous, just be like you know what, I'm going
• 20:39
  Speaker 4: to rip the band aid off, don't even think about it.
• 20:41
  Speaker 2: Hi, how are you how today?
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah?
• 20:42
  Speaker 4: Say oh wow, a nice outfit? Oh my god, wow,
• 20:45
  Speaker 4: I really like your hair. It's really so simple, but
• 20:47
  Speaker 4: we as humans over complicated and truly, if you want
• 20:51
  Speaker 4: to get out of this lonely phase, you've got to
• 20:52
  Speaker 4: do things differently and.
• 20:54
  Speaker 2: Also be okay to be rejected if that person doesn't
• 20:56
  Speaker 2: smile back or say hello back. Don't attach yourself to
• 20:58
  Speaker 2: a story that oh I'm not good enough. They could
• 21:00
  Speaker 2: just be having a really fucking bad day. Their mum
• 21:02
  Speaker 2: could have just died. They're not the mood to talk
• 21:03
  Speaker 2: to you.
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: That's okay.
• 21:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah, don't attached self to one story.
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: Try again. You just give up. When something gets hard,
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: you go again.
• 21:09
  Speaker 4: You know it really helped me with that. It's like
• 21:10
  Speaker 4: facing rejection is going. If I'm so terrified of saying
• 21:14
  Speaker 4: hello to somebody else, imagine what they're thinking. Yeah, imagine
• 21:17
  Speaker 4: how scared that person is to be the one to
• 21:19
  Speaker 4: make the first move, because we always wait for somebody
• 21:21
  Speaker 4: else to make the first move. When we wait and
• 21:23
  Speaker 4: we wait and we wait, and then we're twenty five
• 21:25
  Speaker 4: years lonely, literally, right, So just know that if you're scared,
• 21:28
  Speaker 4: the other person is scared too. So why don't you
• 21:30
  Speaker 4: just be the one to break the ice.
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: Yeah, they will try again.
• 21:33
  Speaker 3: They will thank you for it later.
• 21:34
  Speaker 2: I feel like babies really inspiring this sense. It's like
• 21:36
  Speaker 2: when they're trying to crawl a walk. Do they get
• 21:38
  Speaker 2: up and fall down and just give up? Hell no,
• 21:41
  Speaker 2: They will get up and get up and get up
• 21:43
  Speaker 2: until their little legs give way and they've got no
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: more strength of them. It's time for fucking bed. Yeah.
• 21:47
  Speaker 2: They will not stop until they get it. They're so
• 21:49
  Speaker 2: determined that they get frustrated they can't do it. You'll
• 21:52
  Speaker 2: see them climbing up on literally everything because they just
• 21:54
  Speaker 2: want to be able to walk.
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: Yeah. I think it's so inspiring.
• 21:57
  Speaker 3: That's amazing.
• 21:57
  Speaker 2: Like when you get rejected, try again. When that person
• 22:00
  Speaker 2: says no, try again again for that job you didn't
• 22:02
  Speaker 2: get it, Try again.
• 22:02
  Speaker 4: Yeah, it's like you've gotta be willing to try hundreds
• 22:04
  Speaker 4: two times and understand something.
• 22:06
  Speaker 2: Try again, find a new video, find a new podcast,
• 22:08
  Speaker 2: ask another question, try again, get back up. Yeah, it's
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: just life. Yes, and just give up because life feels hard.
• 22:14
  Speaker 4: And then it's knowing how many times it takes before
• 22:16
  Speaker 4: you give up, Like what's your limit? Can you stretch
• 22:19
  Speaker 4: your capacity on? How many times you try before you
• 22:21
  Speaker 4: give up? Can you stretch your capacity literally?
• 22:23
  Speaker 3: Try again?
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: I remember tell your swifts.
• 22:25
  Speaker 2: I don't know how many, but it's hundreds of record
• 22:28
  Speaker 2: label companies. She sent her tapes to hundreds, rejection after
• 22:32
  Speaker 2: rejection after rejection. No one would take her on. Wow,
• 22:34
  Speaker 2: it's not good enough, don't have strong enough vocals, all
• 22:37
  Speaker 2: the excuses in the world, until someone was like, I'll
• 22:40
  Speaker 2: give you a go, and now look at it. She's
• 22:42
  Speaker 2: the most downloaded pop star in our universe right now.
• 22:44
  Speaker 1: Am my god.
• 22:45
  Speaker 3: She's like one of the most influential women in the world.
• 22:46
  Speaker 2: Actually, because she never gave up. She just kept on knocking.
• 22:51
  Speaker 2: She's knocking on all the wrong doors until she found
• 22:53
  Speaker 2: no one, but she was determined. She's like, I'm not stopping.
• 22:55
  Speaker 2: This is what I would do for the rest of
• 22:56
  Speaker 2: my life. Mister Beasts, He's another example. I watched an
• 22:59
  Speaker 2: interview with him the other day and he just said
• 23:01
  Speaker 2: growing up, he was the most stubborn little fucker. He goes,
• 23:04
  Speaker 2: I would still be doing neutbe right now even if
• 23:06
  Speaker 2: I was getting no views, because I was determined to
• 23:08
  Speaker 2: make it happen.
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: And for the first four years I got no views. Yeah,
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: no one was watching me.
• 23:12
  Speaker 2: I was putting weeks and weeks of effort into filming,
• 23:15
  Speaker 2: into editing, into learning, or doing the most outrageous videos
• 23:18
  Speaker 2: that no one else was doing because they're hard. Yeah,
• 23:20
  Speaker 2: I still do the most outrageous videos that are really
• 23:23
  Speaker 2: hard that no one else is doing, and that's why
• 23:24
  Speaker 2: people love watching me now. Cool, But he's like, I
• 23:27
  Speaker 2: would still be doing it now because I'm so determined
• 23:29
  Speaker 2: and I'm so stubborn that like, nothing will get in
• 23:31
  Speaker 2: my way. I've got this personality just gets so obsessed
• 23:34
  Speaker 2: you can't knock me down and plaser focus. Yeah, people
• 23:38
  Speaker 2: didn't like me, and I didn't connect with anyone, even
• 23:39
  Speaker 2: at school. He said, all the kids were watching South
• 23:42
  Speaker 2: Park and Simpsons or whatever. He was like, what a
• 23:44
  Speaker 2: fucking waste of time. I don't belong here. Yeah, why
• 23:47
  Speaker 2: are you not wanting to grow businesses and being entrepreneurs?
• 23:49
  Speaker 2: He just couldn't relate, but he's like, I don't care
• 23:50
  Speaker 2: about my word, Lane, I'm going to go after it.
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: Just get up, try again, push go.
• 23:55
  Speaker 3: Thank you guys for joining us.
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: Thanks, we'll see you Leada, bye
• 24:05
  Speaker 3: Y