Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 133. Navigating Single Life: I want attention but….also don’t touch me

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133. Navigating Single Life: I want attention but….also don’t touch me · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

0:05
Speaker 1: Apogee Production. Welcome to the She Rises Podcast. I'm Ashy
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Speaker 1: and I'm Tiana.
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Speaker 2: This podcast is about female empowerment and encouraging you to
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Speaker 2: be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself.
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Speaker 1: We help you shed the shame, grow to new level.
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Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh and cry and talk about the topics
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Speaker 1: everyone else is too afraid to talk about.
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Speaker 2: Get ready for your next level of self.
0:31
Speaker 1: Hello everybody, Welcome back to She Rises. A wonderful Wednesday.
0:34
Speaker 1: I'm excited today's episode.
0:35
Speaker 2: Oh, we got a lot of juicy in this speech.
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Speaker 1: I think it's a bit jucy. It is a little bit.
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Speaker 1: It's about how Tiana is navigating single life. We're just
0:42
Speaker 1: in such different situations. I'm in a very long term
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Speaker 1: relationship and you're very single. But we talk about the
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Speaker 1: pros and cons to both. Yes, because there is pros
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Speaker 1: and cons to both. And we also are even having
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Speaker 1: a lot of conversations around triggers. Lately, when you're single
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Speaker 1: and you're meeting someone new and you're chatting to them
1:00
Speaker 1: and you get your egs or you're finding out something
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Speaker 1: about them, you're like, oh, that triggers me. It doesn't
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Speaker 1: drop in a relationship. Yeah, you can think the grass
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Speaker 1: is greener or be easier to be in a relationship,
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Speaker 1: what easier to be single, But I think both bring
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Speaker 1: a lot forward and bring a lot up. And we're
1:15
Speaker 1: going to talk about it or say, but mainly the
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Speaker 1: single side.
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Speaker 2: And if you're a single right now, you probably know
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Speaker 2: the feeling of like, I want attention, but also don't
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Speaker 2: touch me because I don't know about you. But that's
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Speaker 2: kind of the error that I'm in right now. Yeah,
1:28
Speaker 2: just in this season of like, of course, like as
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Speaker 2: you guys know, I love attention. I'm not shy of attention.
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Speaker 2: Love it, love the spotlight, love it. But also it's
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Speaker 2: one of those things where I also just don't want
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Speaker 2: just anyone coming into my life. Like I feel now
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Speaker 2: more than ever, I'm more intentional than I ever have
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Speaker 2: been about who comes into my life now because as
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Speaker 2: the pros and cons of a relationship, yes, it's beautiful
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Speaker 2: to bring somebody into your life, but if you bring
1:55
Speaker 2: the wrong person into your life, it can also be
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Speaker 2: detrimental and it takes away if you're not serious, of course,
2:00
Speaker 2: it can take away from the things that are really
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Speaker 2: important to you in your life. And that's what I
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Speaker 2: really noticed is like, if this is you know, say,
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Speaker 2: in the past where I've really entertained somebody and you
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Speaker 2: know it hasn't been a serious thing, or maybe there's
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Speaker 2: no chance of it moving on in the future, and
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Speaker 2: I'm like, oh, this is more like a temporary thing.
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Speaker 2: Takes away from the things that I actually want to
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Speaker 2: invest in.
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Speaker 1: It does. And something you said in the Bali episode,
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Speaker 1: which if you haven't listened to that, go back and
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Speaker 1: listen to that. But something that you quote unquote cleaned
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Speaker 1: up and I love this term leaky energy. Yes, And
2:27
Speaker 1: there was just people and things in your life that
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Speaker 1: you felt like you were leaking your energy too that
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Speaker 1: weren't that important or you didn't know why you entertained them,
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Speaker 1: and You've got in BALI were like, actually that's not
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Speaker 1: serving me, that's not aligned. Why am I talking to
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Speaker 1: that person? Yeah? Cleaned all of that up. Yeah, in
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Speaker 1: such a respectful, beautiful way to them and honor yourself.
2:45
Speaker 1: And I was in such admiration. I was just like, Wow,
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Speaker 1: I've never seen someone actively clean up who's in their life.
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Speaker 1: You're so certain yes, I was like, wow, So what
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Speaker 1: did you say to that person? Because from an anxious girl.
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Speaker 1: I'm like, oh my gosh, I've really struggled to cut
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Speaker 1: people out and to actually come forward and say, hey,
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Speaker 1: this isn't working for me, or yeah, you know it
3:04
Speaker 1: for me. Yeah, in a bit of way. It's not
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Speaker 1: how you worded it, but I was just like, Wow,
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Speaker 1: it was so inspiring for me, and I wanted to
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Speaker 1: talk about that because I think there's a lot of
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Speaker 1: people out there that really get scared to cut people
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Speaker 1: off or push them out of their lives, or really
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Speaker 1: come to terms that that person is not for them,
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Speaker 1: and they hang on for the wrong reasons for way
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Speaker 1: too long and wonder why they're miserable. So can you
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Speaker 1: talk about the process you went through, how you noticed
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Speaker 1: it was the king your energy, how it was affecting
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Speaker 1: your life, and what you did about it. Yeah, for sure.
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Speaker 2: So what you just mentioned is something that I've experienced
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Speaker 2: as well, where you know, I've been the girl who
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Speaker 2: really struggled to communicate when something wasn't for me, or
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Speaker 2: I stayed in things way too long, or even if
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Speaker 2: I knew that something wasn't right or didn't fit right,
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Speaker 2: I would keep them around anyway because I was so
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Speaker 2: anxious that for me abandonment was the scariest thing that
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Speaker 2: I never wanted to be that person or even to
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Speaker 2: make somebody else feel less then, you know, even though
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Speaker 2: that's never the intention, never want them to feel like,
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Speaker 2: oh now I'm abandoning you, You're not good enough for me,
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Speaker 2: or yeah, and if you haven't listened, we did an
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Speaker 2: episode on like my celibacy journey, and that led me
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Speaker 2: into that journey of like why I decided to go
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Speaker 2: celibate for a while. And the interesting thing about doing
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Speaker 2: that journey it really allowed me to get really serious
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Speaker 2: about what it is that I want. But I really
4:16
Speaker 2: noticed this last couple of years, I feel like I've
4:19
Speaker 2: really come into myself as a woman. And so I
4:21
Speaker 2: went on that path of like celibacy, and then I've
4:23
Speaker 2: like you know, went into a long term relationship, and
4:25
Speaker 2: then after that I had a break and then I
4:27
Speaker 2: was like, Okay, like I want to date again. I
4:28
Speaker 2: just want to see, you know, how I feel like
4:30
Speaker 2: or who I'm attracting all that sort of stuff. And
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Speaker 2: then what I've noticed is as I've come more into
4:35
Speaker 2: myself as a woman, I feel stronger, I feel more
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Speaker 2: certain about myself. I noticed like a little bits of
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Speaker 2: like attention coming in from you know, ment on social
4:42
Speaker 2: media or for me because I was such a people
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Speaker 2: pleaser before, I feel like I overspent a lot of
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Speaker 2: time in relationships that now I know when it doesn't
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Speaker 2: feel right, Like I know when it's not one hundred
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Speaker 2: percent the thing that I want, And I think in
4:55
Speaker 2: the past this is full vulnerability. In the past, I've
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Speaker 2: always felt like I wasn't worthy of having one hundred
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Speaker 2: percent what I want in my head. I was like,
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Speaker 2: I wasn't worthy of that. So in the past, I've
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Speaker 2: dated men who I felt like, well like sixty percent
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Speaker 2: of what I want us seventy percent of it.
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Speaker 1: Took a lot of bosses.
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Speaker 2: They're a great thing. Most there.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, that's so close. So were too greedy. You never
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Speaker 1: gonna find perfect, that's.
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Speaker 2: Right, Like you're asking for too much all of the stories,
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Speaker 2: And I've really started to convince myself of that for
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Speaker 2: a while, But now I just I feel so disrupted
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Speaker 2: internally when it's not the person that I want. I'm like,
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Speaker 2: I know that I don't feel this way for you
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Speaker 2: or you know, this might be fun temporarily, but like,
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Speaker 2: do I genuinely want to invest in you long term?
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Speaker 2: And if the answer is no, then that's how I know.
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Speaker 2: Because One, I've been the person who has wasted somebody's
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Speaker 2: time before and known that I wasn't fully there for
5:40
Speaker 2: the right reasons. And I've also had a man do
5:42
Speaker 2: that to me as well. Both don't feel good and
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Speaker 2: both don't feel good. I never want to be that
5:47
Speaker 2: person who does that again, because one, you create hurt
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Speaker 2: for other people, and you also it doesn't feel good
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Speaker 2: for yourself. And so now I feel just to use
5:56
Speaker 2: the word cutthroat for argument's sake, that I'm like, if
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Speaker 2: I know this person isn't in my life, it comes
6:00
Speaker 2: from place of respect. It's like I love the attention
6:03
Speaker 2: and like it would feel so nice to communicate and
6:05
Speaker 2: connect and go on dates and sort of staff spoil.
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Speaker 2: But if I know that it's not going in the
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Speaker 2: direction that I think it will, that I want it
6:12
Speaker 2: to go in with intention, I'm like, I'm not going
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Speaker 2: to waste my time and I'm not going to waste yours,
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Speaker 2: because who am I to keep you from finding the
6:19
Speaker 2: person that you're going to spend the rest of your
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Speaker 2: life with Because I'm bored.
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Speaker 1: I love it, do you know what I mean?
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Speaker 2: Yeah, that's the reality of it. A lot of people
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Speaker 2: use relationships because they're bored or because they feeling avoid
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Speaker 2: They want somebody in their life to give them validation
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Speaker 2: and have connection and have a reason to share something
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Speaker 2: with somebody. But if it doesn't come from the right place,
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Speaker 2: and that's what I've learned, when it doesn't come from
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Speaker 2: the right place, don't do it. And so I think
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Speaker 2: that's where it kind of comes from.
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Speaker 1: The easier said than done. Though I was in such
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Speaker 1: admiration of doing this, and then situation came up recently
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Speaker 1: where you were challenged by this.
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Speaker 2: I'll give you an example of botes right. This man had
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Speaker 2: damned me and wanted to catch up and wanted to
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Speaker 2: assistant man very persistent, I will give it to.
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Speaker 1: Him, convinced he was going to marry her.
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Speaker 2: He was obviously in sales and he was he was
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Speaker 2: selling me, was in sales, so he was very persistent
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Speaker 2: with me, really wanted to take me on a date
7:10
Speaker 2: and all that sort of stuff. And obviously I had
7:13
Speaker 2: spoken to this man probably once or twice in person,
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Speaker 2: and then that was it. I just realized that it
7:17
Speaker 2: wasn't for me, and I knew that kind of from
7:20
Speaker 2: the get go. But obviously I knew nothing about this man.
7:23
Speaker 2: I wasn't emotionally attached to him. So for me, yes,
7:26
Speaker 2: it was uncomfortable to be so honest and so direct,
7:28
Speaker 2: But I still had to let him know a couple
7:30
Speaker 2: of times because he was persistent that I wasn't interested
7:32
Speaker 2: in anything romantic, and that's how I positioned it to him.
7:34
Speaker 2: I just said, hey, look, this feels really patonic for me.
7:37
Speaker 2: Think you're great, but I don't want anything romantic. And
7:39
Speaker 2: then that kind of fizzled out. And then something more
7:42
Speaker 2: recently was that there was a man that I had
7:46
Speaker 2: started talking to and connected with from Sydney, and we
7:50
Speaker 2: had spent a little bit of time together and got
7:53
Speaker 2: to know each other, and it was really interesting because
7:56
Speaker 2: there were a few things that were like not fully aligned,
7:59
Speaker 2: and like a few things that were kind of like
8:01
Speaker 2: roadblocks as to reason why it wouldn't logistically make sense
8:04
Speaker 2: to actually even pursue anything. And so this was a
8:08
Speaker 2: conversation that we had both had and both coming to
8:10
Speaker 2: each other of being like, hey, this doesn't work. Hey,
8:12
Speaker 2: this doesn't work logistically from my side, logistically from your side,
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Speaker 2: this isn't fit, you know, And we were both super
8:18
Speaker 2: conscious of that and having conversations around that, but doesn't
8:22
Speaker 2: make it any easier.
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Speaker 1: Oh and you know she's both really liked each other
8:26
Speaker 1: as people and enjoyed the company.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, I think he's a great here picked a lot
8:29
Speaker 2: of boxes.
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Speaker 1: Oh you guys were like, oh yeah, incredible human.
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Speaker 2: And you know he's obviously felt the same way. And
8:36
Speaker 2: so for both of us, we would have conversations around
8:38
Speaker 2: being like, well, we know that this has to happen,
8:41
Speaker 2: but this also really sucks, Like this doesn't feel very good,
8:44
Speaker 2: you know, because it's not like anything was necessarily wrong. No,
8:47
Speaker 2: from a logistical standpoint, it didn't make sense. And then
8:50
Speaker 2: it kind of ended things totally, like finally because he
8:54
Speaker 2: is also persistent and yeah, just kind of having that
8:57
Speaker 2: conversation around like, look like, if this is not going
9:01
Speaker 2: to make sense the long term, I don't want to
9:03
Speaker 2: invest into it now because I'm not looking for anything
9:06
Speaker 2: that's just temporary or just right now. Like, if I'm
9:09
Speaker 2: going to invest in it's gonna be a long term thing.
9:11
Speaker 2: That's just kind of where I'm at right now.
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Speaker 1: But there was moments where it was tempting to Oh absolutely,
9:16
Speaker 1: but it was just interesting to observe from the sidelines,
9:18
Speaker 1: because there's moments where it came in and I was like, oh,
9:20
Speaker 1: but what about this, and you're like, yeah, I'm just
9:22
Speaker 1: gonna have the conversation, and then you're quickly like no,
9:25
Speaker 1: I decided yeah, and I'm going to stick by that.
9:27
Speaker 1: And I was like, wow, you're so strong. If I
9:28
Speaker 1: was single, I think i'd be able to resist that.
9:30
Speaker 1: You entertain it.
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Speaker 2: It is. It is hard, and it's funny because like,
9:34
Speaker 2: I don't think there's ever going to be a moment
9:35
Speaker 2: where your feelings are involved where you feel like, oh
9:37
Speaker 2: my god, I'm just going to like cut this person
9:39
Speaker 2: off when your feelings are involved, like you want to
9:41
Speaker 2: explore all of the options. And as much as I
9:44
Speaker 2: logically knew that it was the right decision, and I
9:46
Speaker 2: still stand by that decision, it was hard to come to,
9:49
Speaker 2: you know, because I did. I wanted to consider all
9:51
Speaker 2: of the options. How can this work logistically? Is it
9:54
Speaker 2: a possibility? Is this right for me? Like asking myself
9:57
Speaker 2: all of those questions like is this something I genuinely
9:59
Speaker 2: want to invest in? And sometimes those conversations with yourself
10:03
Speaker 2: can be super confusing, you know.
10:05
Speaker 1: And when your head and your heart a kind of
10:07
Speaker 1: different thing.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, especially because you're like, Wow, this feels so good.
10:09
Speaker 2: Why would I not want to entertain this? Why would
10:11
Speaker 2: I not want to pursue this? But then when you
10:14
Speaker 2: know in your head that it's not fully right, and
10:16
Speaker 2: those two parts of you conflict, sometimes you have to
10:19
Speaker 2: sit in that discomfort of them conflicting but still doing
10:22
Speaker 2: the thing that's right for you.
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Speaker 1: I remember saying to you. It was in this micro
10:25
Speaker 1: moment where you were like, oh, I remember saying to you, Okay,
10:28
Speaker 1: if I was single and this is happening to me, yeah,
10:31
Speaker 1: and I brought this into you, what would you say
10:34
Speaker 1: to me? Yeah, honest friend, Tiana Coachana, what would you
10:36
Speaker 1: say to me? What did you say exactly?
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Speaker 2: If is not fully aligned, you're wasting your time. It's
10:41
Speaker 2: not it, it's not it. Yeah, somethings like that, not
10:43
Speaker 2: wasting your time. It's never loss of time. I never
10:45
Speaker 2: didn't use that word. I can't remember what it was.
10:47
Speaker 2: It was beautiful, said I carrying exactly what it was.
10:49
Speaker 2: I think it gave you clarity of like, Okay, I've
10:53
Speaker 2: made my decisions. It definitely did. That was the biggest
10:55
Speaker 2: question that you asked you because I was like, you
10:56
Speaker 2: know what, I would keep giving you firm advice.
10:59
Speaker 1: And this is something you do with women with your coaching, right,
11:02
Speaker 1: Like you have really moved directions with your coaching of
11:04
Speaker 1: helping women in the interim relationships. I'm guessing you help
11:07
Speaker 1: a lot of single women as well. Yes, so yes,
11:09
Speaker 1: do they bring in situations like Gianna, what I do?
11:12
Speaker 1: This is happening. I'm in a situationship? Yes, help me?
11:14
Speaker 1: Is that what happens?
11:15
Speaker 2: Yeah, there's a variety of different things. So, like a
11:17
Speaker 2: lot of women who are predominantly anxious in relationships, who
11:21
Speaker 2: maybe struggle with self esteem or confidence, jealousy, all of it.
11:24
Speaker 2: Who struggle with communication, who don't know how to deal
11:27
Speaker 2: with their triggers with partners, or boundary in dating boundaries,
11:31
Speaker 2: all of it. Like what I do is about helping
11:33
Speaker 2: women become stronger in their boundaries, their confidence, and their
11:36
Speaker 2: self worth, but doing it in a really graceful way,
11:38
Speaker 2: you know, helping them teach them how to create standards,
11:41
Speaker 2: how to build boundaries, how to build their self esteem,
11:44
Speaker 2: and to show up in their single life, dating life,
11:47
Speaker 2: relationship life, and know how to be the best version
11:50
Speaker 2: of themselves. That then cause their partners forward too, so
11:52
Speaker 2: which is great. So it's never boring, I'll tell you that.
11:55
Speaker 1: No, And yeah, it's cool even as a coach to
11:57
Speaker 1: watch you navigate things just with your self awareness. I
12:00
Speaker 1: love just watching you go through all these processes. Something
12:04
Speaker 1: I asked you the other day which I just thought
12:05
Speaker 1: was something to bring into this conversation because I'm sure
12:07
Speaker 1: a lot of other people feel this, But I said
12:10
Speaker 1: to you, there must be hard being single and you
12:13
Speaker 1: meet someone, you spend time with them, you develop feelings,
12:17
Speaker 1: you know it's not right, so then you cut it
12:18
Speaker 1: off and then you move on. I assume that's fucking hard. Yeah,
12:24
Speaker 1: you're invested in this person emotionally or even just as
12:26
Speaker 1: a friend. You care about them, you want them to
12:28
Speaker 1: be in your life. You've been involved romantically, sexually, intimately,
12:32
Speaker 1: and then you have to let go and try again.
12:34
Speaker 1: It's like, fuck, that seems exhausting and it seems really hard.
12:37
Speaker 1: I'm sure it's very exciting as well. Yes, so it's
12:40
Speaker 1: like the polarity. Yes, even in a long term relationship,
12:43
Speaker 1: there's high highs and low low So it's like irrelevant,
12:46
Speaker 1: Like could you talk about how that feels to be
12:48
Speaker 1: in the excitement phase of it, and then also the
12:51
Speaker 1: grieving of what once was.
12:53
Speaker 2: It's such an interesting thing because I even said to
12:55
Speaker 2: you the other day, I'm like, that's it. I'm done. Yeah,
12:57
Speaker 2: I'm done. Like I don't I don't want eliky energy.
13:00
Speaker 2: I no more iliky energy. I don't want anybody to
13:02
Speaker 2: come into my life who I'm not serious about, or
13:05
Speaker 2: who I don't genuinely feel like I want to build
13:07
Speaker 2: a future with, because, like, as you know, and if
13:08
Speaker 2: anyone who doesn't know, I'm a lover girl through and through,
13:11
Speaker 2: and I've always said, like, I want to create a
13:13
Speaker 2: life with somebody and build something with someone high as
13:16
Speaker 2: low as all of it. And you know, obviously it
13:18
Speaker 2: is so exciting when you're seeing somebody new for the
13:20
Speaker 2: first time, because you hit with all the dopamine and
13:23
Speaker 2: all of the states and the fun and the lust
13:25
Speaker 2: and the flirting for the texting, and that you know,
13:28
Speaker 2: having that person's attention companionship all of the time, to
13:32
Speaker 2: then potentially not working out, not being a right fit
13:34
Speaker 2: to then you have to to readjust your life again
13:37
Speaker 2: to not having that attention anymore, to not having that person.
13:41
Speaker 2: And I think the hardest thing is like losing the
13:43
Speaker 2: friendship aspect because you do, you build a friendship and
13:46
Speaker 2: a bond with that person so much, and then sometimes
13:49
Speaker 2: if nothing goes wrong, you're like, fuck, can I just
13:51
Speaker 2: keep this person in my life? Because I would value
13:53
Speaker 2: them as a friend, you know, And so sometimes it
13:55
Speaker 2: does end up being that way. I think now I'm
13:58
Speaker 2: more intentional with who I let in my life. Very
14:01
Speaker 2: the reason being is because it is so much of
14:03
Speaker 2: an energy leak, you know, it is hard to welcome
14:05
Speaker 2: people in and then only for them to go a
14:07
Speaker 2: short period after because things didn't work out romantically. And
14:11
Speaker 2: I think that's something that's hard to deal with. And
14:13
Speaker 2: if you're doing that constantly, which when I was younger,
14:15
Speaker 2: I totally used to do that all the time. It
14:17
Speaker 2: was like serial data. Loved it, right, but it was exhausting,
14:20
Speaker 2: you know, and mentally and emotionally draining, and it does
14:22
Speaker 2: it pulls you out of the things that are really
14:24
Speaker 2: important to you as well.
14:25
Speaker 1: I actually saw a quote the other day and it
14:26
Speaker 1: was like this couple said, does he make your heart race?
14:29
Speaker 1: And she said, no, he calms my nervous system. And
14:33
Speaker 1: it's like when you're dating and in that lustful, exciting phase.
14:36
Speaker 1: It's really consuming. And I have watched you go through this.
14:40
Speaker 1: It's like you're thinking about little times, or you talk
14:42
Speaker 1: about your fun date night, staying up all night talk
14:44
Speaker 1: and getting to know each other, and it's just this
14:46
Speaker 1: whole exciting thing. But I have seen it take away
14:49
Speaker 1: from then your work, your energy, your sleep, your routine,
14:54
Speaker 1: all the things that you really value. It kind of
14:56
Speaker 1: pulls you away from all of that. So my question
14:59
Speaker 1: for you then is, if you're single, you don't want
15:02
Speaker 1: leaky energy, but you're trying to find your one. How
15:05
Speaker 1: do you not leak your energy and get to know
15:07
Speaker 1: someone to know they're the one without getting to know
15:11
Speaker 1: them and putting time and energy and effort into them.
15:14
Speaker 1: I remember the one that was quite persistent online.
15:16
Speaker 2: You knew from get go, Yes they did.
15:17
Speaker 1: Oh, straight away, we're on the Trapemill, we're talking, You're like,
15:19
Speaker 1: oh this and there's this. I'm like, it's not it
15:21
Speaker 1: for you bad? Yeah, even you ask me this, you
15:23
Speaker 1: know the answers we knew straight away. We knew, like
15:26
Speaker 1: I'm in this, you are?
15:28
Speaker 2: You really are?
15:29
Speaker 1: So moving forward? How do you navigate that? Is it
15:31
Speaker 1: just listening to your intuition more and just following that
15:33
Speaker 1: instant no, what's your plan?
15:36
Speaker 2: It's that it's the checking in with myself if I
15:38
Speaker 2: meet someone I'm interested in somebody, or somebody is pursuing me, Yeah,
15:42
Speaker 2: I'm checking in with myself, Okay, like how do I feel?
15:45
Speaker 2: How does my body feel? How do I feel like?
15:47
Speaker 2: Do I genuinely want this? Do I have the space
15:49
Speaker 2: for this? Am I able to be a good partner
15:50
Speaker 2: right now? Like asking myself these questions? And I think
15:53
Speaker 2: just listening to myself in terms of I feel like,
15:56
Speaker 2: you know, I spoke to you about this the other
15:59
Speaker 2: day where I said it's been hard for me post
16:03
Speaker 2: my long term relationship that I was in that I
16:04
Speaker 2: was so head over heels in love with because that
16:08
Speaker 2: feeling that I had with him was like I was
16:11
Speaker 2: all in and as somebody. And I can blame this
16:13
Speaker 2: on being a Gemini, which I warn't, but I'm going
16:15
Speaker 2: to voice it anyway. I love it that like I
16:17
Speaker 2: can be quite noncommittal, I'm very free. I love freedom
16:20
Speaker 2: all of the things, like I'm not going to invest
16:22
Speaker 2: into someone unless I think it is one hundred percent
16:24
Speaker 2: worth it, And with him, I felt that way, and
16:26
Speaker 2: I felt it in myself that I was willing to
16:28
Speaker 2: sacrifice really big things in my life because of him
16:30
Speaker 2: and as a result of us ending up together. And
16:33
Speaker 2: I just could feel everything about my energy, my mind,
16:36
Speaker 2: my heart, everything was incoherence with him. Everything Yes, everything
16:39
Speaker 2: was e yes. And so I'm learning now how to
16:44
Speaker 2: understand what that yes feels like without the intensity of
16:48
Speaker 2: that relationship, you know what I mean, Like there was
16:51
Speaker 2: a certain level of intensity of that. But because I've
16:53
Speaker 2: also had that clarity that I felt in that moment,
16:56
Speaker 2: I guess what I then get to look for is
16:58
Speaker 2: the clarity do I feel one hundred percent in? If
17:01
Speaker 2: I'm not one hundred percent in? It's a hard no,
17:04
Speaker 2: there's no in between. It is black or white, there's
17:06
Speaker 2: no gray area. You either feel all in or you don't.
17:10
Speaker 2: And like that's it.
17:11
Speaker 1: Do you think you'll feel that straight away? No?
17:13
Speaker 2: I don't necessarily, because like I didn't feel that with him.
17:16
Speaker 2: But I think there's I've got to have a certain
17:19
Speaker 2: level of like, I like who this man is a person,
17:23
Speaker 2: I feel safe, similar lifestyles, say, similar values, we like
17:27
Speaker 2: kind of like parallel together, going in the same direction
17:30
Speaker 2: in terms of all of those things. And so if
17:33
Speaker 2: I see all of that and I go yes, yes, yes, yes,
17:34
Speaker 2: that feels good, and like overall it feels like congruent
17:38
Speaker 2: with me and what I want. Then I'm like, okay, cool,
17:40
Speaker 2: like maybe I'll give that a chance and then I
17:43
Speaker 2: can go from there and seeing if that's going to
17:45
Speaker 2: be the person for me.
17:46
Speaker 1: That's cool.
17:46
Speaker 2: But I think if I look at those things and
17:48
Speaker 2: I go, okay, well he has a different value as
17:50
Speaker 2: me in this and this is a really important area
17:52
Speaker 2: of my life, like that to me is going to
17:54
Speaker 2: create problem in the future, Like I don't necessarily want that.
17:57
Speaker 1: What do you think the best thing about being single
17:59
Speaker 1: is you to pick out one or two things? The
18:02
Speaker 1: best thing about being single.
18:03
Speaker 2: Honestly, just like the personal growth you go through when
18:05
Speaker 2: you focus all of your energy on yourself. Yeah, like
18:07
Speaker 2: you have freedom, you have time. Like relationships are energy,
18:11
Speaker 2: right because you're considering somebody else. And when you have
18:14
Speaker 2: somebody who's an intimate person in your life, you're considering
18:16
Speaker 2: their moods, their feelings, schedule, yeah, everything. You're trying to
18:19
Speaker 2: integrate them into your life. And so when you're single,
18:21
Speaker 2: you don't really have that level of responsibility. You're kind
18:24
Speaker 2: of just like I'm hanging out with my girlfriends, giving
18:25
Speaker 2: me what I want when I want to my business
18:27
Speaker 2: and getting my money and like, oh, you know, so
18:29
Speaker 2: it's a very different. It's a different feeling. You have freedom,
18:32
Speaker 2: and it's fun and I get to focus solely. I
18:34
Speaker 2: get to be selfish. I get to be totally one
18:37
Speaker 2: hundred percent selfish, and I love that.
18:39
Speaker 1: That's so it's fun.
18:40
Speaker 2: I enjoy it because I love the time I get
18:42
Speaker 2: to invest into myself whilst I'm single, and you really
18:45
Speaker 2: enjoy that, And I really enjoy it because I love
18:47
Speaker 2: being by myself. Like I've gotten to a point now
18:50
Speaker 2: and I used to hate this. So if you're listening
18:52
Speaker 2: to this going, I could never like I don't care
18:54
Speaker 2: to go to restaurants or breakfast or anywhere by myself.
18:57
Speaker 2: I will happily go on adventure by myself. I just
19:00
Speaker 2: enjoy my own company so much now, you know. And
19:02
Speaker 2: it's so nice to be able to feel that. But
19:04
Speaker 2: then also so when I'm in a relationship, I also
19:06
Speaker 2: love that too.
19:07
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's cool. What's the worst thing about being single?
19:11
Speaker 2: I would say the energy leak of dating, the energy
19:14
Speaker 2: leak of dating of the maybe bringing somebody in and
19:17
Speaker 2: then them leaving. You know, it's disappointing, you know, losing
19:21
Speaker 2: somebody that you genuinely care about and you think is
19:23
Speaker 2: a great human and like, especially if you don't get
19:25
Speaker 2: to necessarily have that person in your life anymore, it's
19:28
Speaker 2: like unplugging from that person. I think that's a hard
19:30
Speaker 2: part of dating. I wouldn't say that dating in general
19:32
Speaker 2: is hard, and I don't have anything like, oh, this
19:34
Speaker 2: is so fucking shit. It's the worst thing ever. Like
19:36
Speaker 2: I hate talking to people. I love communication, love connection,
19:40
Speaker 2: you know, and that's why I'm intentional about it. So
19:42
Speaker 2: I don't have a fucking you know, revolving door of
19:45
Speaker 2: men coming through, like we don't want that, no, thank you.
19:48
Speaker 2: You know, can't even handle one that's existing, do you
19:50
Speaker 2: know what I mean. So it's not that, it's just, yeah,
19:54
Speaker 2: it can be disappointing when you're unplugging from people.
19:57
Speaker 1: Yeah. We were talking about triggers the other day. Yeah,
20:00
Speaker 1: and you're saying that when you're single, you kind of
20:04
Speaker 1: almost have it's not belief that like, oh I'm not
20:06
Speaker 1: getting triggered because you don't have someone there to trigger you.
20:08
Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, can you talk about that? It is
20:11
Speaker 2: so nice.
20:11
Speaker 1: Because yeah, so nice. But I even said to you
20:14
Speaker 1: we're talking about I think it was one of my triggers.
20:16
Speaker 1: And then I said to you, oh, do you think
20:18
Speaker 1: when you meet someone this trigger will still arise or
20:20
Speaker 1: do you think you've healed that? And you're like, oh
20:21
Speaker 1: my gosh, that'll trigger me because it's a new relationship
20:23
Speaker 1: and that's an old wound of mine that I can
20:25
Speaker 1: kind of I don't have to address right now, but
20:27
Speaker 1: when I'm with someone and that pops up, I will
20:29
Speaker 1: one hundred percent have to work through that. Absolutely love
20:31
Speaker 1: you to talk about that, because I think a lot
20:32
Speaker 1: of single people think I'm all healed.
20:34
Speaker 2: I'm more good, like absolutely not absolutely not being single.
20:38
Speaker 2: It's like a false sense of security in terms of
20:41
Speaker 2: not being triggered.
20:42
Speaker 1: That's a good way to put it.
20:42
Speaker 2: You know, because you think like when you're single, you're like,
20:44
Speaker 2: oh my god, I'm doing really well. I'm going through
20:46
Speaker 2: a really good season. Everything in my life is going
20:48
Speaker 2: so well.
20:49
Speaker 1: I'm so chill.
20:49
Speaker 2: Oh my god, I'm so regulated chill. Yeah, I'm good,
20:53
Speaker 2: you know, And you think you've grown in that time,
20:55
Speaker 2: But the way that you grow is when you were
20:57
Speaker 2: being triggered. So if you aren't being triggered. It's just
20:59
Speaker 2: because no one's in your life doing that. You know,
21:01
Speaker 2: think about the people in your life, your parents, your relationships,
21:05
Speaker 2: into my relationships, whatever. The people who are triggering you
21:08
Speaker 2: most are inviting you to grow. Yeah, it's not a
21:10
Speaker 2: bad thing that they trigger.
21:11
Speaker 1: You highlighting something that's already there.
21:13
Speaker 2: That's right, And so yeah, it's a false sense of
21:15
Speaker 2: security that you are not being triggered.
21:17
Speaker 1: Yeah.
21:18
Speaker 2: So it's funny, right because now, like I'm single, right now,
21:20
Speaker 2: I don't really have like anybody in my life where
21:22
Speaker 2: I'm you know, need to get jealous for argument's sake,
21:25
Speaker 2: And like we talk about this often, jealousy is a
21:27
Speaker 2: big thing of mine and it's a big wound that
21:29
Speaker 2: I have and I know that I need to work
21:31
Speaker 2: through it. But right now, I don't have a relationship
21:32
Speaker 2: that's triggering that jealousy. So I know at one point
21:35
Speaker 2: in the future that will come up, and it will
21:38
Speaker 2: come up, I'm sure many many times, because I'm jealous
21:41
Speaker 2: and territorial and what's mine is mine and I want
21:44
Speaker 2: to be special. So I know right now, I'm like
21:46
Speaker 2: I'm free from that. Yeah, I don't have anything that
21:48
Speaker 2: triggers that jealousy. It's cool when you're single because you
21:50
Speaker 2: are free from that. It gives you space to actually
21:52
Speaker 2: work on other things as well and invest in yourself
21:54
Speaker 2: and of the things you can grow on by yourself,
21:56
Speaker 2: right because you can support it. When you're single, you
21:58
Speaker 2: can consciously choose, like, let's say you're not being triggered, yeah,
22:01
Speaker 2: you can consciously look for those triggers yeah and go, okay, cool,
22:04
Speaker 2: what triggers me? How does it trigger me? Get curious
22:06
Speaker 2: about it. But when you are thrown into the deep
22:09
Speaker 2: end of a trigger and it comes out of know
22:10
Speaker 2: when it surprises and you're like, what, I need a
22:13
Speaker 2: minute to brow that was still this hurts like a bitch,
22:16
Speaker 2: you know. But it's a very different experience. But when
22:19
Speaker 2: you're in a relationship, it's a powerful thing to be
22:21
Speaker 2: able to experience that. When you're single, you're free from that.
22:24
Speaker 1: Do you have any X when being single but just
22:26
Speaker 1: totally icky out that's.
22:27
Speaker 2: A really interesting question. I think it just cks me
22:29
Speaker 2: if I can't have a conversation with somebody, like honestly,
22:32
Speaker 2: really just exs me if like I can't communicate with
22:34
Speaker 2: that person and if they have like a lot of
22:36
Speaker 2: ego and like, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying
22:37
Speaker 2: that ego is bad. There is a time and a
22:39
Speaker 2: place for it, but it's wounded ego that I don't
22:41
Speaker 2: want to borrow off. I'm like, if you come off
22:42
Speaker 2: in here with that energy, like we're not a match.
22:44
Speaker 1: Yeah you know from outside? You know what I think
22:46
Speaker 1: X you, it would ea me too. It's like the
22:48
Speaker 1: one word responses, one word yeah, just like lack of
22:51
Speaker 1: conversation yes, oh my gosh, it's still communication base but
22:54
Speaker 1: like I can't think of an example, but I just
22:56
Speaker 1: remember there's one man who I know I'm giving you much. Yes,
22:58
Speaker 1: you're like I'm bored.
22:59
Speaker 2: Yeah, And they're like text me and be like hey,
23:01
Speaker 2: and I'm like, yes, no that was I'm like please
23:04
Speaker 2: at ways time, Yeah, like show.
23:06
Speaker 1: Me something more interesting, like what do you mean hey?
23:08
Speaker 2: But if you're going to like for me, it's like
23:10
Speaker 2: have a conversation, we call me, yes, don't say hey,
23:12
Speaker 2: write something else like don't like because if you're a
23:15
Speaker 2: time like okay, what you want me to say?
23:17
Speaker 1: Hey?
23:18
Speaker 2: Like what's up? Do you need something?
23:21
Speaker 1: Right? Hat?
23:21
Speaker 2: And then you go what's up about? Fucking lotly? Don't
23:25
Speaker 2: come up in here with that bullshit.
23:26
Speaker 1: Oh love it. There she is, there is waiting for
23:31
Speaker 1: her that.
23:31
Speaker 2: Then there was this guy who was just trying to
23:34
Speaker 2: DM me on TikTok or something like that. Yeah, it
23:36
Speaker 2: was so funny. Were just having a conversation because it
23:38
Speaker 2: was messaging me about one of my videos.
23:40
Speaker 1: A famous one. You can't say who, no.
23:42
Speaker 2: No, this is just some guy who's complimenting me on
23:45
Speaker 2: my work, okay, and just basically was having conversation. Had
23:48
Speaker 2: a bit of ban ta like he was yeah, yeah,
23:49
Speaker 2: bit obviously you could see that he was confident. And
23:52
Speaker 2: then it got to the point where he basically was
23:54
Speaker 2: asking to take me on a date and I said no,
23:56
Speaker 2: and then he got the shits and got upset and
23:58
Speaker 2: then started like having a go being like gosh yeah,
24:01
Speaker 2: like putting it back on me and being basically like
24:03
Speaker 2: putting me down for saying no. Yeah, being like oh,
24:06
Speaker 2: and trying to tell me what it was that I
24:07
Speaker 2: was feeling, and trying to like like may I'm good,
24:10
Speaker 2: you know, trying to like be a therapist to me,
24:12
Speaker 2: like oh, you're doing this because of this, and you're
24:14
Speaker 2: doing this because it's like may I'm like, I'm just
24:16
Speaker 2: not interested, Like I just I'm sorry, but I don't
24:20
Speaker 2: want to go.
24:20
Speaker 1: On a date with you. It does not take rejection.
24:23
Speaker 2: Well, no, he didn't. And I was just like, wow,
24:25
Speaker 2: you switched so quickly from going from Wow, I'm going
24:27
Speaker 2: to be nice because I'm getting what I want to
24:29
Speaker 2: I'm not going to be nice because now I'm pierced
24:31
Speaker 2: off that you rejected me. I'm like, that, isn't it
24:33
Speaker 2: like if you switch up on me, you're getting fucking blocked.
24:35
Speaker 2: That's not fun, you know, because then it shows people's character.
24:38
Speaker 1: Being wounded a little boy.
24:39
Speaker 2: Now, yeah, man, absolutely, yeah, I have a famous one.
24:43
Speaker 1: Yeah, so oh I think you should.
24:46
Speaker 2: So there was a famous man and I'm not going
24:48
Speaker 2: to say who, no message or the show that he's on. No,
24:52
Speaker 2: he messaged me on TikTok and account quite.
24:56
Speaker 1: Famous on a very well known TV show, which she
24:58
Speaker 1: told me I was.
24:59
Speaker 2: Like, very famous, Yeah yeah, and message me and it
25:03
Speaker 2: just was basically telling me that he appreciated my work
25:06
Speaker 2: and loved what I was sharing all of that sort
25:08
Speaker 2: of stuff. He said like, I would love to get
25:10
Speaker 2: to know you more. And I just said to him
25:11
Speaker 2: straight away from the get go, from the first message,
25:13
Speaker 2: I said, hey, thank you so much for your message,
25:15
Speaker 2: but I'm just like not dating at the moment, like,
25:16
Speaker 2: thank you whatever. He just started continued conversation, very persistent,
25:23
Speaker 2: and yeah, just got to in my eyes at least,
25:25
Speaker 2: like build a friendship and communicate and connect with somebody new.
25:28
Speaker 2: And that was a whole whirlwind.
25:30
Speaker 1: You had to cut it off. I did.
25:31
Speaker 2: Yeah, I ended up because he kept pushing and insinuating
25:34
Speaker 2: that he would.
25:34
Speaker 1: Like fly here to like tell oh, yeah he was
25:36
Speaker 1: ready to book. He was ready to book a twelve
25:38
Speaker 1: our fly Yeah, he was normal for me to travel
25:40
Speaker 1: like that. Yeah, he's like it's no problem, basically just
25:41
Speaker 1: waiting for the get go from me. And then after
25:44
Speaker 1: a while, I was just like, look, I have to
25:45
Speaker 1: reassure you that, like, this wasn't it for me.
25:48
Speaker 2: This is very platonic for me. I don't see this romantically.
25:50
Speaker 1: And it's also more than double your age.
25:51
Speaker 2: Yeah, it was much older. Yeah. Yeah, so it just
25:54
Speaker 2: like wasn't for me anyway.
25:55
Speaker 1: Yeah.
25:56
Speaker 2: Else to say, well, do you see the story. I
25:58
Speaker 2: don't know what us to say, but that's really all
25:59
Speaker 2: there is to it, because I just I knew from
26:01
Speaker 2: the beginning that I was like no, this is not it.
26:04
Speaker 2: Like I'm happy to build a frendchhppear and like have
26:05
Speaker 2: a connection and whatever. But that was as far as
26:08
Speaker 2: it was going.
26:09
Speaker 1: And then yeah, any advice for single ladies out there
26:12
Speaker 1: that are just so wanting a relationship, just feeling sad
26:16
Speaker 1: that I don't like being single? They actually fucking hate it.
26:18
Speaker 1: They're like, tee, I just want to find my man.
26:20
Speaker 1: I want to build a life with him. I don't
26:22
Speaker 1: want to do this by myself anymore. But I'm just
26:24
Speaker 1: not meeting them. What do I do?
26:26
Speaker 2: Don't allow your want for a relationship to allow you
26:29
Speaker 2: to settle for something that is not.
26:30
Speaker 1: What you want. Boom micdrop. Easier than done. I'm assuming
26:34
Speaker 1: it is.
26:34
Speaker 2: Easier so than done. Right, But this is a thing,
26:36
Speaker 2: like you have to value yourself enough that you're not
26:39
Speaker 2: just going to let any Tom Dick and Harry come
26:41
Speaker 2: into your life. It's a funny expression, but do you
26:44
Speaker 2: know what I mean, Like, I'm just gonna let any
26:46
Speaker 2: man come in and like you so freely give everything
26:49
Speaker 2: that you've got to this man, Like, if you can
26:51
Speaker 2: learn and I know it's challenging, but if you can
26:54
Speaker 2: learn to value yourself and You'll do this by being single,
26:58
Speaker 2: not allowing anybody into your space, being protective of who
27:01
Speaker 2: you allow into your time, your energy, your pussy for one,
27:05
Speaker 2: your body, do you know what I mean? Like, you
27:07
Speaker 2: are so valuable, and when you can see yourself as valuable,
27:10
Speaker 2: you will not just allow any relationship to come in
27:13
Speaker 2: purely because you want for a man. You don't want
27:16
Speaker 2: just any man to come in. You want the men
27:18
Speaker 2: to come in. You want your men to come in.
27:20
Speaker 2: So just be willing to say no to the things
27:23
Speaker 2: that feel half okay, or that feel like sixty five
27:27
Speaker 2: percent of the way there. Like if you know there's
27:29
Speaker 2: a part of you that's like, oh this is good,
27:30
Speaker 2: but you know it's good enough, just be willing to
27:34
Speaker 2: let it go. Give yourself the validation, Go spend time
27:36
Speaker 2: with your girlfriends instead. If you need connection, get it
27:40
Speaker 2: from other places, you know, just be willing to say no,
27:44
Speaker 2: no rush, right, there's no rush. Honestly, this time of
27:47
Speaker 2: being single is a really beautiful time. And to be honest,
27:50
Speaker 2: like and coming from somebody who was so scared of
27:52
Speaker 2: being alone. If you can get comfortable being in your
27:56
Speaker 2: own energy, you will become a very powerful version of yourself.
27:59
Speaker 2: Because when you like your own energy, the person who
28:02
Speaker 2: comes into your life is going to have to either
28:04
Speaker 2: match or be better than your time alone. Yeah, they've
28:06
Speaker 2: either got to match it and it's going to be
28:08
Speaker 2: the same, or they've got to be better.
28:10
Speaker 1: Otherwise it's not going to work.
28:11
Speaker 2: Otherwise it's not going to work. Otherwise it's not worth
28:13
Speaker 2: investing your time, energy effort into this relationship. If it's
28:16
Speaker 2: only going to bring you down or impact your life
28:19
Speaker 2: in a negative way, it is not worth it. Really
28:21
Speaker 2: good advice, and the way that you become more valuable
28:24
Speaker 2: in your own eyes is learning how to say no more,
28:27
Speaker 2: prioritizing the things that you love, making sure that you're
28:29
Speaker 2: building a life outside of wanting a relationship. What other
28:32
Speaker 2: pillars in your life do you have that are important
28:35
Speaker 2: to you that you can pour into where you can
28:37
Speaker 2: get bits of fulfillment from all of those different areas
28:40
Speaker 2: of your life. Friendships, family, career, business side, hustle, hobbies,
28:45
Speaker 2: all of it fuel those areas of your life, and
28:47
Speaker 2: your life will become so valuable that you'll actually have
28:50
Speaker 2: something to protect.
28:51
Speaker 1: So cool, really good advice, mic.
28:53
Speaker 2: Drop, That's all I've got.
28:54
Speaker 1: Well, thank you so much for sharing thanks. Jus is
28:57
Speaker 1: really amazing empowering advice as well. Thank you, thank you.
29:01
Speaker 2: I appreciate you.
29:01
Speaker 1: Ladies wanting relationship advice.
29:03
Speaker 2: You can find me at Tiana Bundala on Instagram and
29:05
Speaker 2: just send me a DM and we can have a chat.
29:07
Speaker 2: I do only have a couple of spots left for
29:09
Speaker 2: the whole of twenty twenty five, but I will be
29:11
Speaker 2: in the future booking out for twenty twenty six as well,
29:14
Speaker 2: So if you do want a spot and you want
29:15
Speaker 2: to lock it in, you can also leave a deposit
29:16
Speaker 2: and we can work that out. But just send me them,
29:19
Speaker 2: have a chat and we can see if you know
29:21
Speaker 2: what you're needing is like what I can support you with.
29:23
Speaker 2: You're in demand, girling, proud of you, Thank you, love you,
29:26
Speaker 2: love you.
29:27
Speaker 1: Thanks for joining us. Guys, We'll see you in the
29:28
Speaker 1: next episode. Bye bye,