Latest / My Sexy Menopause Body / Why Men Keep Scrolling

Transcript

Why Men Keep Scrolling · My Sexy Menopause Body

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to my actually menopause body.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Not just a podcast.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Metapod isn't something to read.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Something to own.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because menopause doesn't mean fading into the background.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: It means stepping fully into who we are.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: And now here's your host, Tim Nicholson.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get started.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: What if the reason men keep scrolling past your dating profile has nothing to do with your age, your body, or whether you look young enough?
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: It may be the photo that you thought you look sophisticated in, or the sentence you thought made you sound, I don't know, financially independent.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: Or the long list of what you refuse to tolerate, which may be telling a good man more about your past than it really tells him about who you are today.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome back to my sexy menopause body, and my husband is joining me again today.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: And at this time, I'm gonna put him on the spot.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: We are gonna go inside the mind of a man looking at women's dating profiles.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: Well, hopefully he's not looking at women's dating profiles now, but I want to know what makes a man stop at a certain profile.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: What makes a man curious about a woman's profile?
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: And what makes him think, you know, maybe I want to meet her?
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: And what makes him also quietly swipe away even when the woman is drop dead gorgeous.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: We are talking about photos, bios, filters, mixed messages, negativity, authenticity, and the profile mistakes women may not even realize they're making.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: And no, this is not about becoming more appealing to every man online.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: We've talked about that in the past.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: It is about making sure your profile is not hiding the warm, interesting, real woman someone would be lucky to meet.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: So, all right, honey, welcome to back to our podcast.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_03: It's good to be here.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_03: And and for clarity, I'm not looking at any profiles.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_03: That was a necessary evil at the time.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_03: It it was a great way to meet people, but glad I'm not doing it either.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_01: And I knew that already.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: So, all right, so I want you to tell me the truth today, or tell all of us the truth, and uh what we really want to know are what men are really thinking when they are looking at dating profiles because women, we kind of put it kind of like an idea in our head of how we think we're coming across, but it's always nice to get a man's perspective.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: So let's start from the beginning.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: When you first looked at a woman's dating profile, what do you notice first?
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I mean, I think you know, people talk about the difference of the sexes, difference of the genders, and and I think men are much more visual.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_03: You know, I think women are a lot deeper.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_03: They're they're going three layers deep while guys are still up there at the top level, right?
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_03: And so I think I think that's kind of the first thing is putting that that best that first foot forward, right?
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_03: And making a good first impression.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_03: So I think the pictures get you to stop.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_03: Now the key with the pictures, yeah, let's talk about that and and the profile in general the the word authenticity comes up.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_03: So uh I you know, I think I mentioned last in the last podcast that we did.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_03: I'm a marketing guy, and and I think one of the keys to great marketing is all based around one word, and that's authenticity.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_03: And so being real, well, you know, I mean, I I think the thing that's out there now that wasn't out there when you and I were on dating sites is AI.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_03: I can clean up photos, I can brush up photos, I can get rid of blemishes and all those kinds of things.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_03: I can even put myself in different locations, you know, and and and and there's that part of it, and we'll get to the written part in a minute, but I think with the photos, the photos have to be real.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, they do.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_03: Because I mean, you know, I think in the the 10 years that I was single, because I was single basically um from about 50.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_03: Um I was single for 10 years, and you know, I think um looking at looking at that time period, you know, I mean, it it was the the game has changed a lot since then.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: Sure has.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: I never thought about that.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, so but even then, you know, you might look at a picture, and for all you know, it's 20 years old.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_03: And and for you, it might be the greatest picture you ever took.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_03: But if it's 20 years old, it's probably not as accurate as it should be.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_03: And so, you know, and we can talk about uh how quick do you go out and do you meet a person and things like that, but I think that that that key part of it is then all of a sudden, if you put photos out there that may not be really representative of you, or let's say you were a blonde and you changed your hair color to red, but the photos aren't updated, then guess what?
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_03: You know, when we meet at Starbucks for that glass of wine somewhere, it there's gonna be a shock fact.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, absolutely.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_01: Even if you tell me that you recognize me or whoever that is, right.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_03: I and you may tell me, oh, by the way, I changed my hair color to red.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_03: Well, great.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_03: Let's see a picture of you with red hair, you know, and and so you know, I think uh again, from a marketing background, anything I put out there has to be what it is that that that person's gonna experience.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_03: So think about it.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_03: You sell a new Mercedes, let's say it's a G-Wagon, right?
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_03: Yep, you've got the pictures out there, it's shiny, it's beautiful, and all that stuff, and you go to the lot, and all of a sudden there's dings, there's more miles on it than you thought, and things like that.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_03: Well, it's not a true authentic experience.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_03: And so, you know, if you're looking for something that's gonna be lasting, right, it it's gotta be founded on truth.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, and authenticity.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_03: If it's not, I mean, the whole thing's doomed going forward, unless you're just that good of a salesman at the point of point of meeting, right?
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I mean, that's a really good point because what does that already tell you about that person?
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: They're already starting off being disingenuous or being false about what who they really are.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, 100%.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: So I agree.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: And you know what?
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: I just before we move on, I do want to, you brought up something about today with AI that we have.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, that's scary to think about that I could take a picture of myself and remove everything, you know, remove any kind of scar or you know, acne or whatever I have and make it look so much better.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: But or like you said, even change my background.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: That's interesting.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I mean, we get we get corporate headshots, and before they send them back to us, you know, we'll go to a conference and hey, we're gonna do all these corporate headshots, and they send it back.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_03: They've been cleaned up, you know, airbrushed, whatever you call it.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, they they've just been retouched.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_03: I guess they call it Photoshop or something.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, something so you know, there there's that part of it, but you know, the the thing on LinkedIn.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, you you can go out and AI generate the the best professional headshot that's out there.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_03: Now, is that realistic when somebody meets your friend?
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: No, no, no, it's not.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: Have you ever had that happen?
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: I've had it happen to me.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_03: Oh my god, it it was awful.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_03: Because I mean, you know, there w within the dating world, right?
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_03: If if we both go back to that period of our lives, you can go out on a date every night if you want to.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_03: Now it takes a lot of time, energy, and money to do that.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_03: And and if you go out and do it, you know, you and you make the effort, then please, you know, you you've gotta be who it is you've represented yourself to be.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_03: And if you're not, sure you're gonna get that initial date, but you're probably not gonna get a second one.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, exactly.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_03: Because you weren't truthful.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: Yep.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_03: And so, you know, it it it that's that's a tough thing.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_03: And like I said, I mean, guys are a lot more visual, I think, than women are.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, it's important to women too.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: But I think it's the first thing for guys, and that the old saying's very true that and so just before we move out of photos, but is there, I think you I don't know, there used to be like five or ten photos you could put on there.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: Does it matter if they were athletic or if they were, you know, you know, I don't know, behind a executive desk, or I mean, what kind of pictures are you really kind of thinking that's gonna grab your attention?
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_03: I think you gotta think of it.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_03: Uh I'm I'm gonna be biased, like a marketing person, right?
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_03: If I'm gonna sell something, and and think about it, if you're on Facebook Marketplace, right?
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_03: You're gonna sell, let's say, a wardrobe, yep, then you're gonna take pictures of it in every different angle and things like that, right?
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_03: And so maybe different settings and stuff like that.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_03: You know, some of the you know, and and look, it probably depends too on what the format is.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_03: Like I think there's a there was a big difference between like um match versus tinder.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I never was on match.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_03: There's probably even more dating apps.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I'm sure there is, right?
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_03: But yeah, you I mean you can't take all shots from you know the the chest up or the the shoulders up, yeah, and then you don't know what the person looks like as a whole.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_03: And so, you know, I think that's saying this this is who I am.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_03: And and you know, if you're confident in who you are and and and you're good with who you are, but you know, if you're gonna attract somebody, it uh you you're you're gonna have to show them exactly who you are.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_01: Who you are, yeah.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think that's a really strong statement.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: Um, all right, so I think we covered the photos pretty well.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: Let's get into their profile style.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_01: Do you really spend time in the profiles or were you just mainly into the pictures?
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_03: I 100% did.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: 100% in the profiles?
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_03: Oh yeah.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, because I I was not only looking to learn more about them.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_03: But I was also looking for red flags.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_01: Mm-hmm.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_03: Right?
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_03: And so, you know, I I I shared a little bit last time.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_03: You know, I w when I went through my divorce, I I as a marketer, you know, we put something out there and we go, okay, if it's not working, then why is it not working?
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_03: And and I had to do that personally.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_03: And and and when I when I did that, I learned the mistakes that I was making, but also the things that were causing me or causing relationships not to work.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_03: And so those those became the red flags.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_03: And it's like, you know, if if that were the case, then I want to stay away from that because it's not gonna be good for that person, it's not gonna be good for me.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_03: And and it goes into self-work and all that kind of stuff.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_03: And if you if you didn't hear that in the previous podcast, it's probably worth listening to.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_03: Absolutely.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_03: I think um, you know, I looked at them now again, same thing with photos that you have with profiles.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_03: Right, I can go out to any of the AI tools and have them write.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, and and for all I know, again, because I haven't been on these things in so long, right?
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_03: There there may be AI tools on some of these platforms to help you write that.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_03: Now, not everybody is a writer, right?
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_03: I am you are, right?
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_03: So it comes a little more natural.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_03: But I I think you know, you kind of gotta put yourself out there and put it out from the heart.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_03: You know, there's something about AI when you plug it in.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_03: You know, I've noticed this at work, it comes back, it's very cold.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, doesn't have the personality into it.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_03: You have to tell it to put personality into it.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_03: And I and I think those tools can help if you really struggle as a writer.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_03: But at the end of the day, what would you do if you were sitting across from a person and they wanted to hear your story?
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_03: What's your story?
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_03: You know, and and look, it's you don't have to go out there and put every bad thing about yourself to feel like it's being authentic.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_03: You need to go out there and just say what you believe, what you're looking for, you know, what you're looking for in another person.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_03: What do you enjoy?
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_03: You know, what are your likes, dislikes?
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_03: Do you do you have do you have kids?
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_03: Do you not have kids?
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_03: Or in some cases, grandkids and things like that.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_03: You know, give a 360 of who you are.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_03: What what's your I go back to what's your story?
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_03: Everybody's got a story.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_03: Yep.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_03: You got to figure out what your story is, and that's gonna help you craft what you put out there.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_01: That's a good one.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_01: Do you remember my profile at all?
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_03: A little bit.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, I I I I do and I don't.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_03: I I remember your some of your pictures.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_03: It goes back to the previous conversation, but what what I remember about you was once we exchanged, I think, emails on the platform, you're like, okay, let's meet.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_02: Yep.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_03: And there was no grass growing under your feet, which I would come to understand about you, and certainly still discover it in different ways today.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_03: I, you know, for those of you who don't know Kim well, I mean, Kim's got a corporate leadership job, she writes books, she uh coaches, she has the podcasts, the uh social media.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, it it's it I call her the overachiever in the family because there's just constantly something going on.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_03: And and so when I met her online or met you online, it was like, okay, you know, she's really cute, you know, the the profile, I don't see any red flags.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_03: She looks like somebody who's got her stuff together.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_03: And and that was, you know, generally, you know, and and it's funny, you read enough profiles.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_03: You know, and and you can read the profiles of the opposite sex all day long.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_03: You never get to see what your own sex or gender is right and right.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_01: That's right.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_01: You should be able to, right?
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_03: Well, you should.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_03: And and or maybe you shouldn't, I don't know.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_03: But I think um, you know, understanding that somebody appears to have their act together, you know, and and and you know, again, it kind of goes back to the last podcast.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_03: If if if you don't feel like you're in a good place, get in a good place first.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_03: You you you really shouldn't date that time.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_03: It may be a band-aid or make you feel better if you're not in a good place, but you want to get in a good place.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_01: You do.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I do have to tell you that when I first went on to create my dating profile, I was so nervous and I didn't know what to say.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, the I think one of the hardest things to write about is yourself.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, because what do you say about yourself?
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_01: So you probably don't know this, but my first run at my profile, Ludley came over and we had a martini, and we started, I said to Ludley, write my profile for me.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, this is like Kim's dear friend that she's talking about.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, and and that may be a that may be a thing for women.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_01: Well, it wasn't bad because she, you know, said, oh, she's warm and loving.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, oh, yeah, thank you.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_01: You know, but I it's like I wouldn't have put something that I didn't necessarily put that on my profile.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_03: Just for clarity, a dude would never do that because the stuff his friends would have him write means he would either attract the worst of the worst or just never hear from anybody at all.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_03: So I heard a story once that that a uh a guy put his friend's profile on one of these sites to try to help him out, and it was just a disaster.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_01: Horrible.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I didn't I will have to tell you this.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_01: So Ludley did write it for me at first.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't publish it.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_01: So I just let it sit for a couple days because that's the other thing is uh when I wrote my profile or like I write anything, if if I feel like I'm it's being it's a bit challenging, I'll write it out with my heart and soul, and then I'll come back a day or two later.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_01: Not publish it, just see, read it again.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_01: And um definitely I have to change it.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, that's smart.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so don't do it with a drinking of martini and maybe have a friend over, but well, not and publish, write it, write it and come back to it.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_03: You know, the the thing is you can always write it on a Word document and cut and paste it, you know, so that so that you're not taking any risks.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, exactly.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_01: All right, so when you go through the profiles and well, let me ask you this.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_01: What made you swipe, I don't know, past I mean, some of the women?
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, like, you know, I had mentioned in the intro that, you know, there are some really beautiful women out there.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_01: Is it was it the when you start reading in the profile, so you the picture will catch you.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_01: The profile kind of gives you an a more in-depth view of who they are.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_03: It kind of gives you a 360, right?
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_03: I mean I think I think the funny thing about dating at this stage in life, it's kind of like what is it?
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_03: The is it the farmers commercial that says we know a thing or two because we've seen a thing or two.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_03: And and I think, you know, if if you've gathered any learnings over the years about relationships and people and things like that, then I think when you get, let's just say 50 and beyond, right?
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_03: Or even 45 and beyond the world looks a lot different to you than it did when you're in 20.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_03: And so I I think I think pretty is important to a guy.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_03: And and that probably has something to do with his fragile male ego.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_02: And so I'll just say that jokingly, but not.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_03: And and so, you know, that's that's a really important thing because guys are visual and and all that kind of stuff, but it it's not everything, right?
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_03: I mean what a guy finds over time is that a lot of times some of the prettiest women are the most messed up.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_03: Now, if if you're a pretty woman, please don't be offended.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_03: But when you find that combination of somebody who's pretty, but they've also got their act together, I mean, that's like the gold standard, right?
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_03: That's like hitting the lotto, which is what I felt like when I met you.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, thank you.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_03: Because you were pretty and you were you were fun, and and you know, I think that's the other thing too, is uh to keep in mind guys 1000% hate drama.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, they will do anything to avoid drama.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_03: And if it looks like you got a lot of drama in your life, then most guys are gonna run from that.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_03: And and if you do, don't try to hide it because when they do find out, you're gonna waste a lot of time and and um energy going through the process only for it to fall short.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_03: But you know, most guys avoid that kind of stuff, so that's one of those things I think a lot of guys look for.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_03: I think the other thing about dating sites, too.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_03: So part of it depends on you know what you use in a name and things like that as a handle or whatever they don't use your real name or something.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I mean, I when you know I first got on sites, I remember I went out and did a lot of one-off dates and stuff like that.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_03: And and there's a whole theory behind that, too, right?
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_03: But you know, you go out and you meet a lot of people and you just go, oh man, that they would they were nothing like what I expected.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_03: And and some of that's just fair.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_03: It's just like meeting anybody.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_03: The the great thing about online dating is you get to learn a little bit about somebody before you even reach out to them.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_03: Then then the attraction has to be mutual.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_03: And so you've just kind of circumvented some of that early, early stuff.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_03: Or if you don't get out a lot, yeah, you know, life's busy, stuff like that.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_03: I think at the time that I started dating my son, the young my youngest child was 11.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_03: Um, I had a a daughter in high school and a uh son in or or a daughter in college.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_03: So you know, it was the stage of life, yeah, you know, and and things like that.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_03: So when I didn't have my son, which I I had him quite a bit, but when I didn't have him, that time to go out, you know, was precious time.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_03: And so you want to make the most of it.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_03: And I think the only way you make the most of it is you know, being and and representing who you really are.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_03: And and that's important.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_03: But you know, I think um if you can do that, then that you you know, there there were a lot of people that I met online that it was just constant, you know, it'd be like there'd be a little bit of interest and you'd talk back and forth and then they'd just disappear.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_03: And it's like, okay, then all of a sudden two weeks later they pop back up and it's like, oh, whatever it is you were chasing didn't pan out, so now you're back.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_01: Came back.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_03: And and likewise, I think, you know, you see it for both men and women.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_03: You know, I went out, uh, you know, I would go out on a first date, or somebody would go out on a first date with me, and then you know, you get back home from the date, you get a message, you log on, and the person you just met's online.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_03: And it's like, okay, they're always already looking for the next best.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, those are those are brilliant.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_01: You're right.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_03: It's bringing back a lot of trauma, right?
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, and and so, you know, it's it's hard now, you know, obviously you go out and meet somebody, there's no commitment there.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_03: You know, it's not like you're exchanging vows on that first meeting to greet.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_03: But that's why I I looked at it and said, you know, I mean, because I went I went the wrong direction at first.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_03: I say, well, let's meet for dinner.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_03: Well, you know, I mean, we we live in the Dallas area.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_03: You meet somebody for dinner, you have both have a glass or two of wine, and all of a sudden it's$150,$200.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_03: And you you can't do that three nights a week.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_03: You can go broke doing it for most people.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_03: You know, I and I and I think what I learned over the scale of dating, because you know, I'd I'd be online for a while and get tired of it.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_03: It's exhausting, and I'd drop off for three months, and then you go, okay, I think I'll get back on.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_03: And and you know, be open to or suggest meeting for coffee.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, that's meeting for tea, meeting for one glass of wine or something like that.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_03: But, you know, I'll never forget.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, one of the funnier stories, and you know, a lot of my friends just loved my dating stories, and you know, I I had some just some of the craziest stuff happen.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_03: But the um, of course, I'm the common denominator, but that's another story.
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_03: But but early on, I think, um, but I remember meeting somebody up here, I think I shared this with you one time, and we decided to meet at this little Italian restaurant, had a great little bar, and we decided we meet for a glass of wine, had a glass of wine, and the bartender goes, You guys hungry?
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_03: You want something to eat?
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm you know, I'm sitting there thinking, oh, maybe some appet an appetizer or something.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_03: And I was like, Are you hungry?
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_03: And she goes, Oh, yes.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_03: And he hands her a menu and she orders surf and turf.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_01: Now, I've the most expensive thing on the meeting.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_03: I met this woman 30 minutes ago.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh, that's hilarious.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_03: And now there's a$70 entree.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_03: And I mean, while I've got money to pay for it, and I'm not cheap, but it's like, I don't even know you.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, and and now you do.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_03: Well, but I'll I'll tell you what, and it happened on rare occasions, and you were one of them.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_03: First date, you offered to pay.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, or at least pay half.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, at least paid my half.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_03: I'm old school, it's like, yep, nope, that's not happening.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_03: But I appreciated it.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_03: And and but but you know, go for the quick meet and greet.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_03: You know, if if there's something mutual there, then there's there can be follow-up and stuff like that.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_03: But you don't have to spend four hours together on the first, you know, connection to to figure out four hours and four hundred dollars.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_03: Well, yeah, right.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, and let me co-sign your car loan.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I mean, it's just like, wait, what?
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, that is so true.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_01: But that's uh for me, I didn't want a man to pay for my dinner at least, or whatever we had, whatever we shared, I definitely would split it.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_01: Um, or like you said, I offered and I meant it.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_01: And most of the time I did pay for mine because I didn't want to feel indebted.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't want to feel like, you know, that I owed that person something.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_01: So when I left that date, I felt clean.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_01: I guess I'm just gonna use that word.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_01: And I just felt like I don't have to call him back or I don't have to see him again.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_01: I owe him nothing.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_01: It's just something that made me feel better than just paying for myself.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_01: But I do, you're right, you did end up paying for most of it.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I'm well, you know, and I think it's different for everybody.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, exactly.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_01: Um, all right, so I have one more question for you.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_01: So, what is the one thing you wish every woman knew before creating her dating profile or you know, searching for that right man?
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_01: What would you say?
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_03: Boy, just be you.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_03: You know, I think you you've got to believe in you, you've got to trust in you.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_03: That's why I talk about, you know, doing doing the work you need to do if you've come out of a relationship along marriage, or or maybe you've just been single a long time.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_03: That do the work.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_03: You know, and now it's easier than ever to do the work.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, you know, there are there are great counselors out there that can guide you through that.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe uh a church you attend or something like that has some sort of group.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_03: Um, and there's like online counselors now.
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_03: You can do, you know, uh uh telecounseling, you can also do phone, whatever it is to just kind of talk through, I think, and do that pre-work.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_03: Make sure you're in a great place, but then be you, right?
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_03: But but don't don't tamper it down, let the personality out.
• 26:35
  SPEAKER_03: You know, I think uh I mentioned earlier about how guys hate drama.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_03: They they they love humor too, yeah.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_03: They love somebody with a sense of humor, somebody doesn't take things too seriously.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_03: Because at this point in life, there's probably been some serious stuff, yeah, you know, certainly coming out of relationships, but maybe health, maybe job, maybe kids.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, and so you know, as as as uh Sergeant Holka said in in Stripes, you know, relax, Francis.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_03: You know, and and you know, take a deep breath, have some fun with it, yeah.
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_03: Um be safe, right?
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_03: But but be yourself, you know.
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_03: Who who are you really?
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_03: Know your story, know what you like, what you don't like, and and when I say know what you like, uh the other part of that is, and you and I both did it, I think we talked about it in the last podcast, but you know, we both created a list of the things that we were looking for.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 27:34
  SPEAKER_03: Then out of that list, I mean, it was a list of hundreds, so it forces you to write a hundred things that you're looking for.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_02: Yep.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm telling you, that's that's a work in itself.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_03: It is, but you know, then what are your non-negotiables?
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_03: Absolutely, and are they realistic?
• 27:51
  SPEAKER_01: Mm-hmm.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_03: Non, you know, I want a guy with a body like Fabio.
• 27:55
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, okay, come on.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_03: Good luck with that.
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_03: Good luck being single for another 20 years.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_03: And by the way, do you have one that Fabio's gonna like?
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_03: And so, you know, doing it from looking at EVs to do it as so as you do that, do a great self-assessment.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, understand who you are, um, and then but but then once you do that, then it puts you in a position to kind of not only tell your story, but here's you know what here's what I'm looking for.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_03: And so that way there's there's some some clarity for everybody.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_01: Well, that is brilliant, and you're absolutely right.
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_01: I agree with you 100% on everything you just said, except for Fabio.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, thanks.
• 28:40
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, well, I hope this conversation helped everyone look at your dating profile a little different because your profile doesn't need to make every single man choose you.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_01: Matter of fact, you don't want that, you want the right one.
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_01: So it needs to help you find the one man that will recognize you for who you are.
• 29:01
  SPEAKER_01: That means you don't have to look perfect or sound endlessly exciting or turn yourself into the woman you think men want.
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_01: But you do need to give someone a glimpse of the real person behind the pictures.
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_01: And I think you said that very well.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_01: Your warmth, your personality, your life, and what it might actually feel like to spend time with you.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_01: I know it's sometimes it's hard to put that into words, but that to me is really important to do.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_01: And remember, a man scrolling past your profile is not a verdict on your beauty or your value or even your future.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_01: It simply means he just wasn't your person.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_01: And let that's all right.
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_01: So the goal, again, and I've said this many times, is the goal is not to attract everyone.
• 29:45
  SPEAKER_01: You don't want to.
• 29:46
  SPEAKER_01: The goal is to be honest enough that the right connection has somewhere somewhere real to begin with, and that's what I want for you.
• 29:55
  SPEAKER_01: So thank you.
• 29:56
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, but you didn't say something like that.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_03: Well, I was just gonna say, and and uh I'll I'll end it this way.
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_03: I tease Kim all the time, you know, and I I mention how she's an overachiever about being patient.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_03: I I think you you something you just said, you know, really kind of resonated.
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_03: It's like be patient in the process, yeah, don't force it.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_03: And you know, Kim had a great saying when we first met, you know, because you'd meet people and you know, you'd kind of squint.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_03: And what she meant by that was you were trying to force that square peg into a round hole, and and then all of a sudden you're settling.
• 30:35
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, and you don't want to settle.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_03: Now you don't want to have standards that are so high that there's no human on the planet that's gonna meet it, certainly within your Metroplex wherever you live, or whatever, or your zip code, but be patient, be realistic, don't squint.
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_03: It's not worth it.
• 30:54
  SPEAKER_03: Uh make make sure that that's somebody based off of the life lessons that you've learned that that you know you you can it it'll be a great relationship if if you kind of do those things, I think.
• 31:09
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's perfect.
• 31:11
  SPEAKER_01: Well, thank you so much again for being on this episode.
• 31:15
  SPEAKER_01: And I think I've got you hopefully a couple more times before you want to be on this episode with me.
• 31:23
  SPEAKER_03: You you you kind of leveraged things, so I don't have any choice.
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_03: We're we're getting ready to go on vacation next week.
• 31:29
  SPEAKER_03: And if there's gonna be a happy vacation, I have a feeling that there's gonna be a couple more recordings.
• 31:34
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, there's definitely gonna be some episodes in combo.
• 31:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, for sure.
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_01: Well, thank you all for listening, and I really hope that you were able to come away with a golden nugget there.
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_01: And if not, we'll hope you will see you around in the next episode.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_01: Until then, have fun and be safe.
• 31:57
  SPEAKER_00: Metaphons isn't the end, it's a whole new beginning.
• 32:01
  SPEAKER_00: This is your time to own your power.
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_00: Rewrite the rules and show up unapologetically because it doesn't expire.