Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / How To Stop Fighting With Your Wife

Transcript

How To Stop Fighting With Your Wife · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

0:06
Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
0:08
Psych mom show. Today, we are going to be
0:10
talking about how to stop arguing and fighting all the
0:13
time with your wife. And this one's directed to men
0:16
because men frequently do not understand the correlation
0:21
between a constantly stressful home and the woman's desire to
0:26
be close physically or emotionally and I'll discuss.
0:30
Why. And how to think about this
0:32
differently and behave differently.
0:34
Such that you can get different results from the ones that you
0:39
have previously been getting. And before that, I just want to
0:43
tell you guys, of course to subscribe.
0:45
I recently did one on my new think their wives are hotter and
0:49
other one's going to be coming up soon.
0:50
I do want about every, you know, five or so, not many, we think
0:56
their wives are hotter than them, but many think that like
0:59
everybody's thinking that, and it freaks them out and I have a
1:02
lot of other awesome episodes I think.
1:04
One by now. Okay?
1:06
So let's dive into the to the arguing issue.
1:09
So first of all, there's a lot of people that argue like every
1:12
day constantly in their relationship, they don't
1:14
understand. It could be any different.
1:16
This is usually because they have fought for the entirety of
1:21
the marriage and then prior to that, they lived at home growing
1:24
up in an in an atmosphere where there was constant fighting.
1:28
So as I discussed in my episode on marital conflict, which you
1:31
should go back for listening, That affect your children, it
1:36
affects them terribly. So that should be your number
1:39
one priority, if you have kids is to stop fighting.
1:41
So your kids aren't so, stressed out all the time that their
1:44
little bodies or pumping cortisol through their
1:47
bloodstream and they end up with hyper-vigilance and PTSD
1:49
problems. Like so many individuals that
1:51
grew up in homes with constant fighting.
1:53
So that's number one. I mean, that's like number one,
1:56
two and three is if you have kids you better stop because
2:00
it's really bad for them and a lot of people delude themselves
2:03
that their kids don't notice and their kids.
2:04
Always notice. Why don't you just ask any of us
2:07
who grew up like that, if we noticed, we noticed, you know.
2:11
But anyway. So then you might say, all
2:13
right, cool. I'm on board.
2:14
Obviously, I know that I shouldn't be fighting front of
2:16
my kids anyway, but somehow we're always fighting, and I
2:19
don't know why. Well, yeah, you do like, it
2:21
takes two people to fight. There are men that are in the
2:24
mr. Perfect.
2:25
And it's crazy wife, Dynamic, that you could listen to in my
2:28
podcast about that, with that name, that's a bonus one.
2:32
There's men that are like, oh no, she fights on Herself,
2:36
really? This is a wonderful trick that
2:38
she's come up with to fight by herself.
2:39
She's not fighting by herself. Let us be real, you're fighting
2:44
in a different way, called being passive-aggressive sniping.
2:48
Condescending dismissing. I see it all the time and then
2:52
this makes the woman crazy. Alright, so she's literally act
2:56
crazy, cool you show. Usually admit it.
2:58
Yeah, a crazy. I threw shit.
3:00
I yelled at him. I yelled so loud.
3:01
I woke the kids. It was horrible.
3:03
I feel ashamed of myself, right? Right.
3:05
But why? Usually, it's not because the
3:06
guys being sweet and loving, let's be real.
3:09
That is not reality. 50/50, is how marital conflict goes and
3:13
it's our marital problems. Go of any sort.
3:16
So, if you are a man who's constantly fighting with his
3:18
wife, like, there's some men that are the one who is the
3:21
Yeller, and they have their own anger issues, and they got to
3:23
get into therapy stat because they definitely saw that.
3:26
Usually, from a father figure, sometimes from a mother, there
3:29
was usually a yeller if you're a man who is yelling in a loud
3:34
voice. A it's worse.
3:36
It's worse for the kids. You seem, this is evolutionary.
3:40
This is an aggressive male. Everybody is scared of an
3:43
aggressive male, like walking down the street, if there's some
3:46
woman acting aggressive and crazy, you're not going to be as
3:49
scared as if it's a guy, that's just how it goes.
3:52
Also, your neighbors, like, wake up.
3:55
Your neighbors are going to call the cops one day.
3:58
And then your troubles are first going to start and your kids are
4:02
going to remember you as an aggressive.
4:04
Scary male, bad, very bad. So if you are in the subset of
4:08
men who are literally screaming with the anger issues and your
4:12
wife is the one who isn't and maybe she's being
4:14
passive-aggressive. You got to get your anger issues
4:17
and check, I don't care how passive aggressive, she's being
4:20
because you are going to get screwed, one day yourself.
4:23
You may, you may have the cops called on you.
4:25
I have seen it happen and the cops are not going to listen to
4:29
you saying that she was being passive-aggressive.
4:31
So this is a whole different subsets of men.
4:35
Now if you're not a yeller, if you are the one that I'm more
4:38
frequently, see the passive-aggressive sniper and
4:40
your wife, is the Yeller, or maybe both passive-aggressively
4:43
snipe at one another. Then this is for you, it's for
4:48
you if you're a yellow to but it's particularly for the people
4:51
who pretend that they're not the one who's fighting this episode.
4:54
So first of all, you are not being your most loving flexible
4:57
kind self. Let's be real.
4:59
Otherwise what she's going to be upset about you can say she
5:01
could be upset about anything. No she can.
5:04
She's He's not a psychopath, she's upset because you are not
5:09
acting nice. And that is what she keeps on
5:11
saying. And that's the truth.
5:13
That's always what I see. I have never yet want seen a
5:17
couple come in and I'm like, bam!
5:19
That woman is just crazy. My God, she just yells about
5:24
anything. Anytime this poor man is bending
5:27
over backwards. I do not see that happen in that
5:31
happens in situations where there's not a lot of Sometimes
5:35
in situations where there's because think about it, like
5:37
let's be real. A lot of the male's listening
5:39
Pride themselves on being very rational, right?
5:42
If you were really bending over backwards, how could there be
5:45
constant fighting? Come on.
5:47
If you were really a doormat who would she be fighting with?
5:52
It would probably be the situation.
5:53
She has possibly with one of your kids or somebody else in
5:56
her life, like a friend or somebody that you consider just
5:59
kind of lays down and lets her do whatever she wants.
6:02
She doesn't fight with those people.
6:03
Nobody does because those people are doing exactly what they
6:06
want. You on the other hand, there's
6:09
endless conflict with why? Because you're not doing what
6:13
she want. Like, let's be real, right?
6:16
So the first thing to say is a, my just oppositional, I just
6:22
oppositional. Here's some keywords for men who
6:26
don't like to think of themselves as oppositional, but
6:28
maybe some of the other ones will resonate a.
6:30
Do you have ADHD? Because ADHD people are very
6:33
oppositional it A it's a symptom of it.
6:36
You could read driven to distraction or you could listen
6:38
to my podcast on ADHD much more likely.
6:41
If you have ADHD you want to listen to my 20 minute podcast
6:43
on ADHD, then read a book. Anyhow, number two.
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Are you a contrarian? Oh well, if you are, if you
6:50
really like that word, you you model yourself after Elon Musk
6:53
and other contrary. And maybe you're so contrary.
6:55
You don't even like Elon Musk either way if you think yourself
6:59
as a guy who like bucks of the trends, you probably just a
7:03
difficult move. Fo to deal with in a
7:06
relationship. So that's why you fighting all
7:08
the time. That's your half of it.
7:10
It's half and half. You are half is because you are
7:12
contrary and read difficult and everything.
7:16
She says, you got an answer to you, got a smart answer, not
7:20
smart in a good way smart as in smart, aleck smartass and you
7:24
just do not let things go. You just inflexible, you got to
7:28
make sure that your opinion is understood why.
7:31
Nobody knows? Well of course I know I'll tell
7:34
you why in a Again and she just can never get your respect.
7:38
You can never feel like she influences you positively.
7:41
She could never. You never say, good point.
7:44
You never say, good idea. You just come at things.
7:47
Very, very opposition, Ali. And when I say never, this is
7:52
hyperbole sometimes. I'm sure you say good idea.
7:54
When her idea Bears out your idea.
7:57
But usually, you can be very difficult to talk to because
8:00
it's your way or no way, and you may not be allowed Yeller.
8:04
Out that, but you let that be known in other ways such as
8:08
shutting down everything that she has to say laughing
8:11
minimizing dismissing Devil's Advocate, and so forth.
8:15
Now, why would you do this? Because you saw it, you saw it
8:18
growing up and you saw constant fighting, and or there's some
8:22
men who saw a dad, who really was a doormat and they've
8:26
resolved not to be like that. So then they turn into the
8:29
opposite of that, still not good but the opposite which is a
8:32
difficult person. Is a person who's a doormat but
8:36
they're both so bad, they're both still dysfunctional.
8:39
So you want to get to something in between so how can you get to
8:42
something in between 0 and Y? Well, one reason is, she's never
8:45
going to have sex with you because women need to be
8:48
relaxed. They need to feel relaxed have
8:50
sex. That's why I'm constantly
8:51
telling men to massage their wives because that activates the
8:54
parasympathetic nervous system, not the sympathetic nervous
8:57
system. So the sympathetic nervous
8:59
system is the fight-or-flight, you know, side of the nervous
9:03
system. It's like as though there's a
9:05
tiger in the room, except you're the tiger.
9:07
Guess what? If there's a tiger in the room?
9:09
She doesn't want to have sex with it.
9:10
She wants to get that hell away from it or fight it, depending
9:14
on the type of person she is. And if you're listening to this
9:17
and and about the fighting, she's probably the person who
9:20
would try to fight back with the tiger and said, the person who
9:22
would run away. So she perceives you as the
9:25
tiger. Either way, she doesn't wanna
9:26
have sex with the tiger because that's maladaptive.
9:29
If people wanted to have sex during fight or flight, they
9:32
would lay down start having sex in the tiger would eat them.
9:34
So our bodies do not work like that.
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When a woman is in fight or flight, she does not want to
9:39
have sex now, men have a higher threshold for stimulation than
9:44
women and so a man could think that y'all have in like this
9:48
like debate or that fighting isn't really fighting.
9:51
It's just banter, whatever. If your wife says that you are
9:55
fighting all the time or that your argumentative, then you
9:57
are. Let's just go with that because
10:00
if she feels you are fighting her nervous, system is
10:03
activated. And she may be very anxious
10:06
person but that does not mean that there is no fighting going
10:09
on. She could certainly tell the
10:10
difference between somebody who is happy and loving and flexible
10:13
and somebody who is not, I don't care how anxious she is.
10:16
So what do you do to not do this?
10:18
The first of all is you got to reframe is whatever argument
10:22
you're having more important than the sanctity of the home,
10:25
then your children, having a peaceful Landing place and then
10:29
your wife and then your wife feeling loved secure clothes and
10:33
relaxed enough. To be potentially physically and
10:36
emotionally intimate, probably not probably most 75% of the
10:41
things you fight about, you could just let go.
10:43
So you, you should probably write it out.
10:45
What are the things that I really don't?
10:46
Give a shit about this, this, this, this, this and these are,
10:50
yet still things that I fight about somehow I managed to have
10:53
an opinion on things, I don't even really give a shit about.
10:56
So like, for example, one time I knew girl and the husband was
11:02
she was a friend and the husband had very a specific preferences
11:06
about what she should do in terms of some sort of thing,
11:11
they were picking out in the registry for plates.
11:15
Okay. So, so like, literally like I
11:19
can, I cannot get my imagination around this.
11:23
That this would be it something that this man really deeply
11:26
cared about perhaps, I'm wrong. Perhaps, he is a plate Maven,
11:30
and he is a China fiend, and he just collects this shit.
11:34
And like he loves plate. But something tells me, no,
11:38
something tells me that a man who cares, that much about the
11:42
pattern on the plate, is probably just argumentative.
11:47
And it's so interesting because if you said to me, that moment,
11:50
would you rather get laid tonight?
11:52
Or would you rather express your preference on whether the leaves
11:55
or the floor flowers? Should be around the perimeter
11:58
of your plate. I think he said rather have sex
12:00
tonight, but no man ever think of it like that.
12:03
And here I am I'm to the rescue to tell you believe me, you have
12:06
made this choice. So many more times in your life
12:08
than you think you have and it, that's why your sex life and
12:12
your intimate life in general, including your wife being happy
12:15
to see you hugging, you kissing you smiling at you.
12:17
That's why all that may be subpar.
12:19
It may be some part because you need to talk about whatever,
12:23
your equivalent is of the plate. So you don't really care about
12:27
the plates. I'm willing to guess.
12:28
You don't really care about a lot of stuff.
12:30
So this stuff that you don't care about, you should
12:33
immediately. Stop arguing.
12:35
So your opinion is not necessary.
12:38
So if she says, I like the blue curtains, what are you gonna
12:41
die? If you have the blue curtains
12:42
know who cares, really? If you like the great curtains,
12:45
it's so much better for your marriage to say, okay, good.
12:49
I like the blue curtains to, who cares, you can get to a place
12:53
where you like the blue curtains right now.
12:55
Then you should pick the things that are actually important to
12:57
you. These should be like, big
12:58
picture things. I care that we have a sex life
13:01
in this marriage that I enjoy. I care that maybe an example in
13:05
the post that I wrote, I care that I linked to.
13:08
Don't worry that the children go outside their comfort zone and
13:12
they're not raised in an extremely anxious atmosphere,
13:15
all right, good. You got to, you know how many
13:17
you should have about to, you know.
13:19
So that that means you don't care anymore by Chinese versus
13:22
Italian food. You never care about what the
13:24
plate looks like. Or any equivalent of that shit.
13:27
You don't necessarily care what you see as a movie.
13:31
These are your big things on your own, you're too.
13:34
The stone, you would want it to be said, he had a loving
13:36
marriage, and he was a wonderful father, so good.
13:39
You got these two big picture things.
13:41
By the way, doing this can is really an exercise and
13:44
individual therapy figuring out what you are important.
13:47
Top level values, are they are not if she picks a different
13:52
color of curtains, who cares. So again unless you are like mr.
13:57
Designer man, and you're number one thing that's going to be on
14:00
your Tombstone. Is he kept in an impeccably
14:03
fashionable. Home in which case great you
14:06
have the curtains but then you don't have something else.
14:08
So get like to get like two things that you are super
14:12
important to you. So then you say all right.
14:14
Cool. So I get rid of everything else
14:16
and now still though she won't have sex with me and she over
14:19
hovers over the children, such that they are constricted.
14:23
Okay, fine. So how do you bring things up
14:25
about one of these two variables?
14:27
Well, first of all, you act, loving and supportive and you go
14:30
through multiple days without any arguments at all.
14:33
Wow. People do that.
14:35
I'll tell you, it's hard for people who grew up in a fighting
14:38
home to believe this, but you can go through multiple days
14:43
even weeks, even months without fighting, try for days.
14:46
Like, let's not put the cart before the horse.
14:49
If you have multiple days where you have been loving flexible
14:53
kind and supportive, then you can bring up some kind of issue,
14:58
so your issue should be brought up in a collaborative, loving
15:02
kind of away. So let's say it's the sex thing.
15:04
Sweetheart. I love you.
15:06
I want to work on our sex life. I have read this book here on
15:11
it. I've learned different things
15:13
that I want to do. I hope that we can be closed
15:16
this weekend. Sweetheart, I love you, right?
15:19
So what are you doing here, you are being nice, you are a being
15:23
loving, your being collaborative.
15:25
You're focusing on her also speak in her love language for
15:31
those couple of days that you're not fighting, right.
15:33
Do all of the things that She likes you to do if she likes
15:36
acts of service, sweep up, if she likes give to get her a
15:39
little gift, right? So do all of those things as the
15:41
Baseline, then when you bring up your thing, don't do it in a
15:45
fighting kind of way. Don't say here.
15:48
I am doing x, y, z, and why are you still not going to bed with
15:51
me? Well, in that moment, you could
15:53
see why? Because you're being an asshole.
15:55
So, bring things up in a loving collaborative, warm way, and
16:02
then discuss your feelings. I feel lonely when we don't have
16:06
sex, I want to be close to you. I love you so much.
16:09
I think that you're beautiful and I want to be close so you
16:13
are coming at it from a wayward. It's very, very hard for her to
16:17
fight with you and then you express your desire to come up
16:20
with a team solution. So she says, well, I have my
16:23
period this weekend and you're thinking girl, you had your
16:26
period every weekend but you don't say that you say, okay, so
16:30
what about if I get a babysitter to Fridays from now?
16:33
And we have the 89. And then we come back, maybe
16:36
you'll be in the mood then sweetheart, I really hope so.
16:39
I love you. I'll be looking forward to it
16:41
and then you go back to being like a nice guy.
16:43
So remember what that means? That means you don't fight.
16:46
You don't pick on other things that are all of a sudden, big
16:49
opinions that you have to have. And you actually do a real deep
16:53
dive as to ways that you could be nicer and less conflictual.
16:59
There is an analogy and act, which is acceptance, commitment
17:02
therapy, which I touched on in. Of my podcasts on living the
17:06
life that you find deeply fulfilling and they use lots of
17:08
analogies and act. This is like their thing and one
17:11
of them is you cannot play tug-of-war.
17:15
If somebody puts down the Rope, so put down the Rope.
17:19
She can't play tug-of-war by herself.
17:21
She cannot fight by herself. That's something that people
17:25
say, were very dismissive. You're fighting with yourself.
17:27
No. One fights with themselves.
17:28
They can't, they can't. So you put down your side of the
17:33
rope and you If I am more of the man that I want to be less of a
17:37
sniper less passive aggressive. Let's be real.
17:40
Like these are personal goals, I'm sure for the majority of
17:44
humans less sweating, the small stuff, more of a big picture
17:49
guy, more figuring out the True Values that I have, which should
17:54
not be very many because they're big ones.
17:57
If I am more of that person well-intentioned collaborative
18:01
kind loving and nice. Then.
18:04
Then how who's she going to fight with?
18:07
She's not going to fight with that guy.
18:09
She's not because, you know, interestingly, there's all sorts
18:13
of ways to do experiment and a natural one that transpires
18:16
frequently and couples counseling.
18:18
Is somebody goes on an antidepressant, so let it was
18:22
somebody goes on an antidepressant, you can usually
18:24
tell very quick so a person's like I'm not depressed, I'm not
18:27
depressed, I just happened to Bluster around constantly in a
18:30
constantly irritable state where nobody can speak to meet.
18:33
Everybody's walking on eggshells.
18:34
That's not depression because I'm very functional at work,
18:37
right? And then finally this guy
18:39
decides to go out, Prozac look who showing up smiling.
18:43
It's like it's like a different guy.
18:44
It looks like Invasion of the Body Snatchers so when this
18:47
person is actually nice, then guess what?
18:50
His wife starts to do, she starts to be nice back because
18:53
it's almost impossible not to be nice to somebody who's being
18:55
nice. So this is like, so let's say
18:59
you may be thinking, holy shit, do I have to go on
19:01
antidepressants? That would be a real wonderful
19:03
epiphany. To have from this if that sounds
19:06
like you mr. Irritable that nobody could be
19:08
around him because everybody's like walking on eggshells
19:11
because you might explode at any moment.
19:12
That's usually how male depression manifest but bought,
19:17
let's say you say no, no I'm not depressed whatever.
19:20
All right fine, why don't you just act like you went on an
19:24
antidepressant could be like a personal personal like little
19:28
experiment, just act, happy act had the act nice active,
19:31
somebody would, if they went on Soma like engraved, All right,
19:35
and if you do this, who's your wife going to fight with?
19:37
She's not going to fight with you.
19:39
And if somehow you have the one wife in the world, who is going
19:43
to somehow pick at you constantly, despite you being
19:46
sweet and smiling and collaborative and loving then
19:49
shit, doesn't that experiment? Really show you what that there
19:53
are real deep issues here. Yes, maybe she has resentment
19:56
for many, many years of you acting the different way.
19:59
Maybe she can't stand you and she's waiting to get out.
20:02
Who the hell knows. Then you should get into.
20:04
Apple's counseling, but for many people, if they try to act nice,
20:07
sweet and loving, the wife is going to respond and then they
20:11
are going to get a lot further in the ways that I'm describing
20:14
communicating. Then they have ever gotten
20:16
before being a constant fighter. This is not an MMA competition.
20:20
This is your marriage no women want to fight, they don't want
20:25
to fight unless they have some sort of Personality level issue,
20:29
borderline personality depression, that is irritable.
20:33
But even though Want to fight they fight, they fight more than
20:40
average but they still don't want to fight.
20:42
Everybody's fantasy is not fighting because the other
20:45
person gives it, they want to win.
20:47
There's many people in the world who want to win.
20:49
You're probably one of them yourself if you admit it, if
20:52
you're in this fighting relationship.
20:54
So she wants to win. So what could you do?
20:56
Let her win on shit. Let her win on its many things
20:59
in a day as possible. Why not, why have you been going
21:03
against this random? Shit.
21:04
And if there are some things that are going to quote turn out
21:07
badly, people say oh this is going to turn out badly though.
21:10
So if I don't tell my wife like for example that she's cleaning
21:14
that thing wrong, then she's this is the best one.
21:17
She's gonna be upset later because it won't have turned out
21:21
the right way. Oh my God, so you're telling me
21:24
that the reason that you're an asshole is because she's gonna
21:27
be upset later about something, guess what she's upset with you
21:30
now. So you didn't really do
21:31
anything. You're just making her upset
21:33
thing. Be now with you, instead of
21:36
later on, let's say like your wife was let's say she she did,
21:40
I mean, I see miniscule shit in couples counseling.
21:44
So let's say it's that she is cleaning the car window with the
21:48
with something that's going to streak the car window.
21:50
You come up and you say that's not how to clean a window.
21:53
This is like, why are you always being such an asshole, right?
21:56
So so, yes, later, there would have been streaks in the window
21:59
later. She might have been in a bad
22:00
mood with herself, which is better than with you.
22:04
But right now, she's in a bad mood with you because you came
22:08
in like an asshole, right? So try to put down the Rope,
22:12
don't make these little fight. You don't need to have an
22:14
opinion about everything and instead try to figure out your
22:18
top level macro values and wait, a few days of calmness, if you
22:25
can execute on it and then talk in a more collaborative, loving
22:31
team-oriented, way, where there is really Add a lot of weight
22:35
for her to argue with you, and Bam, you may get a lot of stuff
22:39
done without having to go to couples counseling.
22:41
If you fail, there are always couples counselors many of them
22:44
work for me. I am one.
22:46
You can always contact me. Y'all know, I have a group
22:48
practice, best life, Behavioral Health, it does teletherapy.
22:52
And, of course, I also see people.
22:54
So see how this goes and really don't do that introspection.
23:01
Why am I fighting all the time? Why am I fighting all the time?
23:04
Usually. Ali.
23:04
The answer is, I grew up in a house with a lot of fighting and
23:07
it doesn't even really occur to me that there does not have to
23:09
be a battle of the wills over every goddamn little thing.
23:13
And to think about it, Mike, I'm teaching my kids.
23:15
The same thing makes me deeply ashamed and so, I myself
23:18
unilaterally, I'm going to try to stop the conflict.
23:21
That would be a wonderful resolution to get from this
23:24
podcast. And on that note, I will leave
23:26
you and please do subscribe. If you are getting any value
23:30
from these podcasts for if not, all right, bye.