Latest / The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook / Healing, Faith, & Finding Your Voice with Roshonda Blackmon

Transcript

Healing, Faith, & Finding Your Voice with Roshonda Blackmon · The FEEL Podcast: Women’s Empowerment, Emotional Wellness and Self-Leadership with Melissa Crook

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And it was, it was hard. I found myself getting into, you
0:03
know, some situations and situation, friendships with
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people that didn't want me, didn't care for me, but they
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cared for what I could offer, even if that was a listening
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ear, even if that, you know, was just having somebody.
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They could just, oh, you know, and this is just coming to me
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now. I was home to those votes.
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I was home. You know how you travel away,
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you know, when you're, you know, go off to college and whatever
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and you travel away. You might travel to California,
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you from a little town in Kentucky, you know, and
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whatever. But it doesn't matter what goes
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on in California, the fun that you're having, the pitfalls, the
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UPS, the downs, whatever, you know, you can always come back
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home, right? You know, and some cases, some
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people can. So for me and that space, I was
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home. And so when people went away or
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they came back, I was always there.
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I was always, you know, still in place.
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It took some time to figure that out, but by the time I got to
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30, I was still trying to figure myself out.
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I was still trying to, some things was clicking, but then I
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was still trying to gain friends and trying to and then finally,
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it's just like, you know what? I'm tired.
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To be with you here today, I'm Melissa Crook, your host.
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I've got a friend that if you pay attention to our panels,
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you've heard her voice before, that she hasn't been on the
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podcast with this yet. She's got her own podcast,
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couple of them actually, that she puts out in the world.
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And you're going to get to learn more about that as we unfold her
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story today. But Rashonda Blackman is here
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with me. And she describes herself as
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peaceful, loving, fearless, inspiring and an encourager.
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Rashonda, welcome to the PO Podcast.
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Hey, thanks so much for having me.
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I appreciate it. Thanks for.
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Absolutely. It's such a pleasure to meet
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you. Roshanda and I met you guys have
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if you heard of the panel, you've heard the story.
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But we met as we were both participating in Podcasts Thon
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and Podcasts Thon is that great event every spring that they do
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where it allows us to highlight those nonprofits that we want
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the world to know about. And so we have to be on a kind
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of get to know the other host Zoom.
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And Rashonda and I connected and was like, Oh, I like what you
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do. I want to know you more.
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I think that we could, we could do some things together.
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And so we agreed to connect and did that later in the spring.
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And she's already been on a panel with me and now she's here
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today on the podcast. And I hope to do more stuff with
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her and moving forward because I just, I love the way Rashonda
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shows up in the world, energy that she get, energy that she
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gives, and the resource that she is for women and for herself.
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And so I'm excited to Share your story with our listeners today.
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So you're in a busy time right now.
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So this is actually a great place to start.
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Talk to me about prioritizing self-care in your life and what
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that looks like for you and your journey with that.
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Because we just talked about how you're kind of getting tugged on
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both sides on the busy meter right now on your work life and
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your personal life. So talk to me about where you
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find time to fill your cup. Sometimes I.
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Know hard, but it's it's really reminding myself that self-care
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is not selfish right? And I think a lot of times we
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don't we don't remember that self-care.
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We think taking care of ourselves, that's selfish.
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We should be taking care of 1000 people, the, the, the, the
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billions of people in the world. But when it comes to us, Oh no,
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that shouldn't happen. It's, it's just reminding
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yourself that self-care is not selfish.
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And I always use this analogy because I think it's so great.
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You know, when you get on a flight and they go on over the
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safety things with you and they tell you put the thing on your,
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the, the oxygen mask on yourself first, you know, before you try
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to help somebody else. Now, if you're on that flight
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with kids, then you would, you would think I'm gonna put it on
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my kids first and then myself. But it just goes to show that we
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have to take care of ourselves first.
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We have to be first in order for us to show up for someone else.
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And so, so I think telling myself that the self-care is not
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selfish is one of the things that kind of drives me and kind
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of helps me to kind of slow down, you know, hey, get some
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time off, you know, to yourself. There's nothing wrong with that.
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And then I love this quote by I'll, it's Eleanor Brown.
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You cannot serve from an empty vessel, can't stop from an empty
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vessel. If your vessel is empty, it goes
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back to that oxygen mask. If you don't have anything, what
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am I supposed to give to you? I first have to be fulfilled.
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I first have to make sure that I'm good.
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Because if my my vessel is filled and I'm full, then OK, I
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can flow over and give something to you.
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But I can't if, you know, I'm struggling and but I'm trying to
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see if you're OK, but I'm dying, you know?
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Yeah. So that's, you know, but that's
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that's the thing for me. Yeah, it's a great motivator
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because you don't want the people you love and that you're
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serving to get your scraps or to get the you know what's barrel
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you don't want to scrape from the bottom of the barrel.
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That's not that's not your healthiest version of you.
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They're not getting no one's winning in that scenario.
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So I think it's so important for women to come back to that as
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and you're a giver by nature. Like I told this story on the
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panel that the first time we met, you were such a soothing
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voice that I needed that day. I'm like, Oh my gosh, here I am
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showing up with this woman and she's comforting me and I'm
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supposed to be telling her about my platform and Cherry and how
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can I support her And you know what, all these things.
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And so I talked about the fact that like, when you have that
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natural instinct, it's even more important for you to pay
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attention to the fact that, like time out, I know this is my
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natural inclination, but if I'm going to show up in this way
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that I know is authentic to me, I have to make sure I have
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something to give from. Yes, yes, and that is true.
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And it's crazy because we talked about this.
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It's been that way for me since I was 18 and probably even
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before that time. And I just didn't really, you
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know, know what it was. Now it has a name, you know, but
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it's but then, you know, it didn't have a name.
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I'm like, you know, feeling comfortable, like they could
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talk to me and I've often have to had people to tell me girl,
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if it wasn't for you, girl, I feel so good after we we done
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and I'm like, I don't know anything I said or did, but OK,
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you know, I just offered advice, you know, in that moment.
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But and I don't mind that, as you said, but it that can get it
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can get a little sticky. That's almost like that thin
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line, like I wanna listen, but it's, it's a it's a 2 edged
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sword because it's like, OK, I'm listening to you.
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But a lot of times I don't have nobody to listen to me.
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So that yeah, yeah, I don't, you know, I don't always get in
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return what I give out. And So what I do is I have to
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schedule things for my mind, my body and my soul.
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For the mind is just scheduling a 5 minute brain break.
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Yeah, turning off, turning off the news.
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If if that don't take you out, I don't know what.
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Absolutely, but. Turning off the news.
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Play a puzzle. I love this, this game called
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Luminosity that I don't know if people still play it, but it's
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kind of like a little brain Buster.
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But I love like I got this bird game that I'm trying to get the
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adjoining birds on it. It's it's mindless things and I
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love word games and puzzles. So that kind of takes my mind
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off of things. Or listening to guided
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meditation music in which I absolutely love with a little
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trickling water in the back. I actually got some of that on
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right now. So you know, it, it, it helps,
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you know, but for your body, and I'm working on this still, but
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it's blocking out time to walk. You know, they say walking is
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the best exercise and it is so true because it gives you an
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opportunity to kind of let go, not really think, but you're
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exercising, so you're moving your body, but you're also
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releasing your mind with just the stresses of the day and you
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know what's going on. So it's the walk, soaking up,
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soaking up some vitamin D, you know, doing a simple stretching
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routine, things like that really helps.
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And of course, just so you carving out time for spiritual
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renewal. I'm a Christian, so my source is
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God and I go to him for a lot of things.
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And I said this before, I'm sure he's probably like closed the
9:52
door closed. If it's her coming, I'm gonna
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put a picture up. Please.
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No, But it's it's praying. It's journaling.
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I love to journal. And another thing that I love to
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do is cloud watch. And I know have you ever to
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really look at the clouds and really that I love that, Yeah.
10:19
Because I will tell you sometimes when I'm driving, like
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if I'm driving, if I'm on a long drive, like we've done a lot of
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cross country drives. And so sometimes I will like all
10:29
of a sudden, and I remember when the kids were little, we did a
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lot of Rd. trips in the car with the kids.
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And you could see, we would play a game where you could see the
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shapes and the different forms or even.
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And my husband loves weather. Like he's a big weather like
10:44
junkie, like he loves. And so he can tell you like
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what's happening in the clouds. And if a storm, like he'll be in
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an airplane looking out the window, like, oh, that there's
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storms building there. I'm like, OK, but I mean, but
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but there's a lot of like also like settling to it and just
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curiosity. So yeah, I know what you mean.
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Ain't nothing like it. I mean, it's like it just, it
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takes your mind. You know, one of my favorite
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things that I, I, it's on my bucket list to do is to go into
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a bit an open field. I'm talking about an open field
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and just lay there in the middle of the field and just look, you
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know, so peaceful. But we have to think of things.
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What brings you peace? And that's what you have to go
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to. You know, that brings me peace.
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You know, meditation brings me peace.
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Prayer, journaling brings me peace.
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And helping others. You see, I put that last.
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Yeah. But you're filled your cup
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though. First you feel the cup and then
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it feels edifying. If you have an exact cup, it
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feels draining, so that's a clue too.
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If this thing that you know is authentic to you is no longer
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edifying your soul, then that's a clue.
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It's time to stop and take a rest.
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Exactly, exactly. So that's why I wanted to go
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through those points. And then you see what we put
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last because like you said, you filled your cup with the things
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that you know, your brain is clear, your body is, it's good.
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It's not holding on to stress or anything like that.
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You know your spirit is feeling renewed.
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So now. Yeah.
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What can I do for you? Yes.
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Yes. And this stuff we're able to
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present the tone of voice, the body language that says
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everything right there. I think that's so good.
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And you've really already addressed this within this
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conversation. But this is where that
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confidently setting boundaries come in, putting that time in
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your calendar or yourself carving it out for you.
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Because we put the things in our calendar that we value and and
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so it's so important to remember our value and how we want to
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show up in the world that put it in the calendar so it doesn't
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get missed. And don't let it be the first
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thing that goes when there's a disruption in your calendar.
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That's that's the number one key right there sticking to it.
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You know, like tomorrow I joined a meet up group, you know, just
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so I cuz I'm gonna be honest I love community and I love
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talking with people I love meeting people and so I joined
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the meet up group and we're supposed to go bowling, you know
13:36
tomorrow. This would be my first time
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meeting these ladies and whatever.
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However, I that's already set in the calendar, but it's not
13:46
allowing something to take precedent over that.
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You know what I mean? You already have the calendar.
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You're already a go, go with it, you know, and everything else
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just has to wait because if you allow yourself to let that go.
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So I'm a firm believer in what should I call it once you do
14:10
something the first time and it's it's almost like the
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atmosphere or the universe feels, you know, sees that,
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yeah, you do something the first time, you know, So if I let that
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event go the first time, then next thing you know, it's like
14:24
every time I try to go and schedule an event, I'm a
14:26
continually to let it go. It's almost like you have to
14:30
say, no, this is standing on my calendar.
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This is what I'm going to do. I prepared for it and I'm going
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to do it because to me it kind of lets the atmosphere of know
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that, OK, you know, she she's made some plans, you know,
14:46
nothing is going to interrupt it.
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So yeah, you do have to set boundaries even with your
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calendar. This is another one that I think
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a lot of times we don't always utilize using I statements.
15:02
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
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Instead of you make me no, I need because this is putting me
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first. This is what I need and I need
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you to understand. You know what I need.
15:17
You know. So it's those things and
15:21
scheduling, no meeting. Now, my boss does this and I
15:26
probably shouldn't say, probably shouldn't say, but but I do it
15:31
too. Putting no meeting blocks on
15:34
your calendar. You're thinking I'm in a
15:37
meeting, but I'm actually, you know, distressing and getting
15:40
some much needed things done. Yeah.
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So because when people look at your calendars like, oh, you got
15:47
this. Oh, you're available.
15:48
You're, you know, you're. No, no.
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I'm. Not yeah, yeah, yes, they'll
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fill it up. If you don't speak for yourself
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and communicate that yes, someone else will fill it up.
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Yes, and they'll be happy to fill it up because you know and
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you being the person that you are, you will continue to allow.
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OK, well next time. Well next time or next time.
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No this time so. Yeah, yeah, absolutely so good.
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I thank you so much for that. And I think this really connects
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also to taking care of our emotional health, mental health,
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physical health, spiritual health.
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If we don't take the time to prioritize our Wellness and put
16:33
these things in our calendar, those connections will become
16:36
obvious and and all those parts of our health will suffer.
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The stressors will impact us physically, the being tired, the
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being, you know, it will affect how we show up for people.
16:48
So talk to me about your journey with that you've learned about
16:51
that. Well, so I keep an emotional
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journal. So I jot, I jot down one feeling
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and one gratitude. So this is how I'm feeling.
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I'm not feeling great about this, this or this, but I'm
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feeling good about this, this, this, or I'm thankful for this,
17:18
this, this, this and this. So just trying to balance that,
17:22
that emotional, you know, that emotional thinking, because if I
17:25
let my mind take control like it wants to, it's going to push
17:31
every negative thing to the front of the line, you know, and
17:36
every good thing. I just put that back there.
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So it there's an emotional balance.
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It has to happen between. This isn't great, but this is
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what's good. I mean, you talked about this
17:48
one time before, and I always say this, what you said about,
17:51
you know, your therapist and what my dental hygienist told
17:54
me. We don't celebrate the small
17:57
victories, won't celebrate anything at all.
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You know, Yeah. It's coupling the wind with
18:04
what's not was not so great and yeah, you know, whatever.
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But do you allow space for both of those things?
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I think that's so important. You are not trying to shove
18:16
anything aside, you are allowing space for it all.
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Yes, I think I spent so much time or so much of my life just
18:26
pushing the the stuff that I didn't want to deal with under
18:30
the rug and putting on this. Hi.
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Yeah, you know, this, this phase, but not really dealing
18:38
with the root of the issue. And I I think when it comes to
18:44
emotional health, I think that's one of the number one things
18:48
that we need to do. You know, I'm going to be
18:50
honest. Some of us are jacked up, you
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know? You know, and let's be honest,
18:59
most of that came from childhood probably, you know.
19:02
Absolutely. And we've never been taught how
19:04
to process it or move through it.
19:06
We've been told that's right. No, that's that's not OK.
19:09
It's not OK to be angry. It's not OK to be mad.
19:13
Yeah, yes. And so we stopped it.
19:16
That's right. And or this, well, what goes on
19:21
in this house stays in this house, if that's not an
19:24
emotional killer, Yeah. 1000. Percent yes.
19:32
Yeah, yeah, I. Have to stay in a box so.
19:37
Yeah. And when this facade and you put
19:40
on a mask and this facade of what you know and and not and
19:45
not being allowed to be truthful about that.
19:49
Yes, because we weren't allowed. So then when we get older and we
19:54
get into relationships and we move into jobs and we move into
19:58
these other spaces, we don't know how to control those
20:03
emotions because we never, you know, we still holding them in
20:07
the box and we're snapping or snapping at people or looking at
20:11
people crazy because they know how to deal with their emotion.
20:15
You know, they're expressing their emotions and we come from
20:18
a background where. That was Sean.
20:22
That was yeah. And so therapy, yeah, always
20:28
tell people Jesus and therapy go together 'cause you know, you
20:32
have the Christians that believe that.
20:34
Yeah. No, God is he's, he's
20:37
everything. You don't get me wrong, He is,
20:40
but why would he make therapists?
20:43
If we definitely, he's gifting people with those gifts do help
20:48
us do that. He says all kinds of messengers.
20:52
It's like being out on the ocean and the helicopter comes and the
20:56
ship comes and the person sits there in the boat and says, God,
21:01
why didn't you save me? He's like, I sent the ship, I
21:04
sent the helicopter, I sent the therapist.
21:07
No. You didn't go to anyone exactly.
21:15
Yeah, so and I love this story. I absolutely love that story
21:19
because it just goes to show God is not a one all for all.
21:24
He is but right, also the reason why he created people and and
21:30
doctors and lawyers and and therapists and they get on all
21:35
these things, you know, so, you know, people with degrees so, so
21:40
they can help, you know, but so, yeah, people, people have to
21:44
deal with the emotional. I think once they deal with the
21:47
emotional things, once they come out of denial and once they
21:50
really get well, then you can move forward into life and move
21:54
into the purposes, your goals, your visions and to purpose what
21:59
you're supposed to be. Then you'll realize that there's
22:02
so much more to life than that box that that you were in, you
22:07
know, So it's absolutely in the world.
22:11
It does, but you got to unpack that stuff 1st and learn how to
22:15
move through and process it and heal from it.
22:18
That's such an important piece. I knew exactly what you mean.
22:21
I literally got grounded my freshman year of high school
22:24
when I thought I was helping. I went and talked to a high
22:29
school administrator that was a friend of the families but was a
22:33
trusted friend. And I went to him and I said,
22:37
this is going on in my family and I don't know how to help.
22:39
But I feel like I don't know what to do.
22:42
I'm feeling kind of stuck. And so he thought he was helping
22:44
by going back and talking to my dad.
22:46
I'm like, you know, Melissa was so mature.
22:48
She came to me and and came to me and she really wants to help
22:51
because she doesn't know how to. I got grounded for two weeks for
22:55
talking to somebody outside of my home about what was happening
22:59
in our home. And so it was like, all right,
23:03
that's off the table, but but it was a very just a generational
23:09
and a very unhealthy family narrative that and literally
23:14
that what you said earlier, what goes on in this house stays in
23:17
this house. Literally, I didn't even tell
23:19
you how many times I heard that and then literally got in
23:24
trouble for it. And so and so that does not set
23:27
you up well for being able feeling safe, your nervous
23:32
system feeling safe because you've learned how to live in
23:35
this hyper vigilant protective state.
23:38
And it's not until your nervous system finally feels safe that
23:42
you're allowed to even open the. Door to all that you've got yes,
23:48
Which is crazy, but it's like you said, you have to unpack
23:53
that stuff. Nobody is unpacking anything.
23:57
There's a big caboose behind you of issues, but you're but you're
24:03
trying to go forward on a Golden Rd.
24:07
You know you're not enjoying it because the first time somebody
24:11
says something that triggers you, you know?
24:17
It all. Looks at you crazy.
24:19
Yeah. And it's not telling how you're
24:21
going to react or respond. That's just yeah, yeah, you got
24:26
to unpack. Like you say.
24:28
Unpack. Yeah.
24:30
And we'll get back to, we'll get back to that a little bit later,
24:33
but this really goes nicely into unpacking this and getting to
24:37
know who we are allows us to show up unapologetically, allows
24:43
us to show up without apologizing for taking up space
24:46
in a room, knowing our voices deserve to be seen, known and
24:51
heard, you know, And then when we discovered that within us, we
24:56
want to share it with others too.
24:58
And I feel like so much of what you're doing with your podcast
25:01
is allowing that. It's inviting those
25:03
conversations, it's allowing that discourse.
25:07
So talk to me about your Rd. in and deciding that that was a way
25:11
you could really show up in this space not only apologetically
25:15
for yourself, but unapologetically for other women
25:18
as well. Yes, I think I've always had
25:25
this mindset about and, and I'm gonna be honest, the Bible tells
25:30
us to do this. Do unto others as you would have
25:33
them to do unto you. Now watch this.
25:35
They don't necessarily mean that they will, but I feel like I, I
25:42
have a responsibility. And so because I want people to
25:47
feel safe because when I was growing up, I didn't feel safe.
25:52
I was in a house that wasn't safe.
25:55
You know, I couldn't talk or share or, you know, express or
26:00
whatever. And I talked about this on the
26:02
podcast yesterday. I was I dumbed myself stuff
26:06
down. You did it and your Instagram
26:10
reel on that was so good. I'm like, I've dumbed myself
26:16
down so much until I felt like I didn't have a voice but
26:21
something happened and I might be a late bloomer with this.
26:25
When I turned 30, it was like, Oh my gosh, you know, like this
26:31
light bulb went off. And then most of that, I will
26:34
say, was attributed to a song by India Arie.
26:38
I choose. Oh my God.
26:42
Funny, when I heard that song, I was like, this is my coming out
26:47
moment. But I little things began to
26:52
change. I began to be like, OK, I'm just
26:56
gonna say this, this is how I feel and this is this is what
27:00
it's gonna be. Now I went through some hard
27:02
roads with that because I I came off and said things especially
27:06
to my mother and God rest her soul that you know, I probably
27:10
shouldn't have said, but it was things that was in me that I was
27:14
never able to express or you know, or to get out.
27:18
So going into this road, helping women and being a, a safe space
27:25
where people came from childhood because I did not have that.
27:29
And my mom, now, she always told us, I'm not only your mother,
27:35
I'm your friend. So I knew that I could go to her
27:38
and I could talk to her about certain things.
27:41
But my mom had a very traumatic childhood as well.
27:46
And so some things I knew that she would not understand.
27:51
I see her, yes, I go through some things and she's she went
27:58
through a lot. She has a, you know, she's not
28:00
here to tell her story, but I'm here and I can tell her story.
28:03
But it's like she went through so much as a child.
28:06
She had some childhood traumas. So while she was trying to be
28:10
the mom to us that her mom wasn't to her, the people in her
28:15
life wasn't to her. You know, she still had some
28:18
some things going on, but so moving forward was more of I
28:24
want women to feel safe. I want people to feel safe.
28:28
It came from church. I started people started putting
28:32
me over things Sunday school or you know, singles ministries and
28:37
stuff like that. And I use those platforms to
28:40
kind of, hey, let's get, let's get women together.
28:45
Let's, let's talk. You know, the first thing I did
28:48
was it was a little thing called cupcakes, cookies and
28:51
conversations. You know, we would have cupcakes
28:56
and cookies, of course, at the meetings, but you could bring
29:00
your conversations. And I had signs and I thank God
29:03
because he gave me the idea for it.
29:05
All signs put up. This is a safe space.
29:08
This is a judgment zone. This is, you know, creating that
29:13
space for people to come in to where they feel comfortable and
29:16
they can talk. You know, I realized that, you
29:20
know, for whatever reason, God gave me a voice which was almost
29:25
shut down when I was a child because my my stepfather did not
29:28
like the way I talked. God, I talked proper and I'm
29:35
just say it and put it out there.
29:36
He thought I talked to white. And because of that, you know,
29:40
properness, he would make my mom tell her to shut up, tell her
29:45
she can't talk. You know, I why is she speaking
29:48
like that? He would want her to beat it out
29:51
of me. And I'm getting emotional now
29:53
just thinking about it, but my voice almost shut down.
29:56
I want to be the space where women can go where their voice
29:59
can't be shut down. I don't care what color you are.
30:03
You know who you are, what background you came from.
30:06
You have a voice, you know, and you should be able to use it in
30:10
a safe space where you feel, you know, comfortable.
30:14
And so God bless to start doing YouTube and I just started doing
30:19
things that, you know, whatever he said, things that I was going
30:23
through, you know, and whatever. Then there was blogging.
30:27
Then the podcast came Matters of the Heart with Rashonda, because
30:31
everything is coming from the heart and just, you know, wanted
30:35
to share some things. And then there's the
30:36
girlfriend's girlfriend podcast where it is a I'm a personal
30:41
development coach. So we talk about talk about
30:44
issues and things that I feel like like would be shared in the
30:48
conversations with your girlfriends, like the comments,
30:50
yeah, you know, and things of that nature.
30:53
And so those are the platforms that I have and I just try to
30:57
use them, you know, to the best of my ability as God leads to
31:03
kind of help encourage and inspire the next woman or man,
31:06
you know, man for me right to the podcast.
31:09
But but mostly the next woman, the the little girls that's in
31:13
women now that's, you know, afraid to to say something or
31:18
afraid to move forward. You know, she's still being who
31:23
still has chains on her hands and her feet from her from
31:28
childhood. That childhood is over.
31:30
You're 35 years old now, you know.
31:32
And so, yeah, it affecting those types of things and having those
31:36
types of conversations that that I love.
31:39
But that was the journey to that.
31:42
It started at 18 and it just never stopped.
31:47
Yeah, thank you so much for sharing that.
31:50
I mean, there's so much wisdom and so many things you shared
31:54
and harsh realities, but what I love about women and what I love
32:00
about our stories so many times is we come to a point where we
32:05
understand what's getting in our way and we address that.
32:10
And then it's like, wait a minute.
32:12
Not only can I support myself in this, but I can use this
32:17
information and what I've learned to support other women
32:21
too and bring them along with me because this is how we make
32:26
change. This is how we change
32:29
narratives. We listen to each other's
32:31
stories. We let people know it's a
32:33
judgment free zone, that it's a safe space, that we're going to
32:37
be curious rather than judgmental.
32:40
We're going to show up in love and curiosity.
32:43
And I think that's and that's so much and that's exactly what
32:46
you've done and it's so thank you for that.
32:49
And and it really informs, I think you've already defined
32:53
this your why in your values and what you do and so so talked
32:59
about that kind of you knew at 18.
33:03
People seem to have a sense that I'm a safe space.
33:07
And, and so talk to me about that transition of like, I, you
33:11
know, and then you hit 30 and I wanted to commend you. 30 is
33:14
pretty darn good. I was 50 before I got the full
33:18
message. So.
33:20
I mean, I I need like steps here and there, but I didn't fully
33:24
dive in and fully get it until I hit the wall at 50.
33:28
So you're 20 years ahead of me, so good on you.
33:32
But but you take that information, you're like, wait a
33:35
minute, I now understand what my why is and what my values are
33:41
and how that informs how I want to show up in the world.
33:45
Yes, yes, I, like I said at 18 at it, didn't have a name.
33:52
I honestly didn't understand what it was.
33:56
I won't be honest. I was trying to get friends, but
34:00
people didn't want to be my friend as much as they wanted my
34:04
advice or as much as they wanted you know, me to listen to them
34:10
and whatnot. So yeah, I think from 18 to 30
34:15
it was still trying to figure it out or having people to say, oh,
34:21
there's just something about you.
34:22
I don't know what it is and you know, whatever, but it made me
34:26
feel weird 'cause I'm like, I don't know what's happening.
34:31
You know, what's what's going on?
34:33
How come I can't retain friends? You know, I can't, you know,
34:37
when they want something, I'm here.
34:39
But, you know, it's kind of like the other way when they feel
34:44
good and they move on. So it was still trying to figure
34:47
out who I was because I have a lot of self esteem issues, you
34:52
know? Well, yeah.
34:52
And protecting yourself from those that just wanted something
34:56
from you. Yes, yes.
34:59
And it was, it was, it was hard. I found myself getting into, you
35:02
know, some situations and situation, friendships with
35:06
people that didn't want me, didn't care for me, but they
35:12
cared for what I could offer, Even if that was a listening
35:15
ear, even if that, you know, was just having somebody, they could
35:19
just, oh, you know, and this is just coming to me now.
35:23
I was home to those votes. I was home.
35:26
You know how you travel away, You know, when you're, you know,
35:30
you go off to college and whatever and you travel away.
35:33
You might travel to California, you from a little town in
35:35
Kentucky, you know, and whatever.
35:37
But it doesn't matter what goes on in California, the fun that
35:41
you're having, the pitfalls, the UPS, the downs, whatever, you
35:45
know, you can always come back home, right?
35:48
You know, and some places, some people can.
35:51
So for me and that space, I was home, you know, and so when
35:56
people went away or they came back, I was always there.
36:00
I was always, you know, still in place.
36:02
It took some time to figure that out.
36:06
But by the time I got to 30, I was still trying to figure
36:09
myself out. I was still trying to, some
36:12
things was clicking, but then I was still trying to gain friends
36:16
and trying to. And then finally, it's just
36:19
like, you know what, I'm tired, you know, just let me whatever
36:24
this is, just let me embrace it. Just let me, you know, people
36:28
talked about me, people, you know, as far as you know, well,
36:34
God, you just, you know, started, you know, not talked
36:37
about me in a bad way. But it's almost like, oh, here
36:40
come the counselor. Oh, here come Iyanla, fix my
36:43
life or here come, you know, because I felt like I always had
36:47
something to say and it wasn't, you know, wasn't trying to come
36:51
down on people, but it's like. Right.
36:53
You should use a little wisdom, you know, when you're, you know,
36:56
so I think I kind of, you know, drew some people away with that
37:00
too, but you know. But I think too, but you've
37:05
learned though, too. I think that's such an important
37:07
piece. You, you learned at some point
37:10
of like, I need space for me to feel at home too.
37:14
It's not just about me being home to someone.
37:17
What who's home for me? So, you know, talk to me about
37:21
finding that. So finding home for me, it, it
37:27
came at the, it came at the price of where I had to just let
37:34
toxicity go. Toxic people, toxic
37:38
environments, toxic things that they really weren't serving me,
37:43
toxic relationships and it really weren't serving me.
37:46
I just had them there because, you know, because I just wanted
37:50
to feel something. I just want to have a friend
37:53
that just wanted to, I want to go out too with the girls, you
37:56
know, I want a relationship, you know, and so, but these things
38:00
weren't serving me. And so finally, and I, I'd
38:04
almost had to say this, but finally late 23, I just decided,
38:12
you know, OK, girl, just let it all go.
38:16
I had to shut some out. I had to change my number.
38:20
I had to because these people were grabbing.
38:24
They were toxic and I knew that. And so I had to just, you have
38:30
to live for you. I had to get away from certain
38:33
environments, get away from certain, you know, communities
38:37
and things of that nature just so I could find me, just so I
38:42
can get back to hearing my voice.
38:46
What is it that I really want? Because in in most of these
38:50
things, my identity was tied up into all that toxicity.
38:56
I didn't even know who I was because I'm thinking I'm a part
38:59
of this and I'm not. That's not me.
39:02
I don't even think like that, you know?
39:04
So why am I part of it? So it took some time and I think
39:11
the older we get, we're still going to go through certain
39:13
cycles with certain things or, or whatever.
39:17
But so that's when I realized that you really have to go get
39:23
your home. You have to be home for you.
39:25
You have to be, you know, you have to be your own saving
39:30
grace. You have to, you know, you
39:32
should come first, you should value you and that's, that's
39:37
what you know, that's what happened so.
39:39
Yeah, yeah. And I would say that's the point
39:42
where you really started living out of your own expectations
39:45
instead of other people's expectations.
39:47
You were defining that now. You made that shift.
39:51
You saw your own value. And I love what you said, but
39:54
you found home in you. When you can find home in you,
39:59
that's when you know you're operating from a healthy place.
40:04
You don't need someone else to affirm you or define you because
40:09
you found that safe space in you.
40:11
Yes, and it's safe and, and I love it and it don't get me
40:16
wrong, it's lonely sometimes because it's like, but at the
40:21
same time I have, you know, this is me and I'm happy.
40:26
I'm happy with it. So yeah.
40:29
Yeah, yeah, I think that's, yeah, I think it.
40:32
And I think sometimes we go along for so long and we don't
40:34
even realize we're living out of someone else's expectations
40:39
until do. And then once we do, it's like,
40:42
oh, there's no going back. No, yeah, no, I know what I know
40:46
now. And and this is how I'm going to
40:48
operate moving forward. Yes, yes, I had to break off of
40:55
a really special friendship, you know, just coming into this big
40:59
year because of because of that. And I, I had to, you know, bring
41:05
up my own faults because, you know, sometimes I, I had these
41:09
these moments in my life where I ghosted people.
41:12
I would be there and then next thing you know, you look up and
41:15
I ain't even there no more. And I realized that I had did
41:18
this a couple of times and our friendship and then, but when we
41:22
would come back together, it was like nothing, Like I never left,
41:26
never went away and whatever. But it was just something about
41:29
this last time where I felt like I was needed to talk about this,
41:35
this and this and something that was very important to them.
41:39
And then it was like after July, crickets, nothing for like 6
41:45
months, no explanation, no whatever.
41:49
But then when I reached out, you know, then there was this.
41:52
Oh, I'm glad you reached out. I was just thinking about you.
41:56
Hey, can you tell me how can I do such and such?
41:59
I know we talked about it before and I'm like, it's something am
42:04
I being used or you know, And whenever I decided at that
42:08
moment that I just need to let it go, just let it go, just, you
42:14
know, and whatnot. And it hurt, but at the same
42:17
time, I felt really good about it and I'm at peace about it.
42:21
And so it's, you know. Well, I think when you're
42:26
honoring you, when you make a deal with yourself, I'm no
42:30
longer going to abandon myself then despite what's going on
42:34
around you. There is an inner peace that
42:36
comes with that when you're honoring you.
42:40
Yes, yeah, that's a good. That's like a good sign too.
42:44
It brings you peace. So if you feel peace, you know,
42:48
I know they say that about when you buying a car, if you can go
42:52
home, you just bought a car and you go home and you lay down and
42:54
you to sleep at night, that car will bring you peace.
42:59
But if you go home and you still trying to figure out them
43:02
numbers out, it's not going to be a good five years.
43:06
Oh, it's not that that painting is going to feel like a barrel
43:11
around your neck every month. Oh my gosh.
43:14
Analogy. Oh, my gosh, so true.
43:16
Oh, my gosh, so true. I love that.
43:18
All right, accepting the layered aspects of ourselves, it's all
43:23
the parts and pieces that make up who we are and getting to
43:27
that place of curiosity rather than judgment and being able to,
43:32
you don't have to love it, but you can acknowledge it and, and,
43:36
and, and be like, OK, I don't love that I made that decision
43:40
at that time, but I see why I did that.
43:43
And so I can give myself grace for that given the scenario I
43:46
was in and the influences that were in my life.
43:49
You know, those kinds of things. Talk to me about your layers
43:52
journey. So for me, the layers, you know,
43:57
with the mind, the mind, body and the soul, it's, it's kind of
44:04
like what you said, I, I'm the type of person, but I will beat
44:08
myself up because I did something or I said something
44:12
or, or whatever. And I'm like, why did I say
44:14
that? Why did I do that?
44:16
Oh my gosh, it was, it's like it'll take me days to kind of
44:19
just get over the initial. But you said the most important
44:24
thing, giving yourself grace and realizing that you're not
44:29
perfect. You know, when it comes to my
44:32
body, I'm not not always like, why did I eat that today?
44:37
I know that shouldn't have ate that.
44:39
I know you know what I'm trying to do with my body.
44:42
I know I'm trying to get on this health journey.
44:44
Why didn't I beat myself up about that?
44:46
But it's giving yourself grace, but it's also learning from
44:50
those things and, and realizing that, hey, you know, OK, so I
44:57
ate, I ate 5 pieces of cake. Shouldn't have done it, but I
45:02
did yeah Yeah. So it's OK so but The thing is
45:07
what triggered me to go into that tirade of eating 5 pieces
45:12
of cake. What triggered me and to, you
45:16
know, thinking like that, you know, what triggered, you know,
45:20
it's, it's identifying the triggers.
45:24
So then that way I can make sure that the next time something
45:29
like that happens, I do it a different way or I'm like, OK, I
45:35
remembered, remember this. You ate those five pieces of
45:38
cake because of this, this and this.
45:40
You can't allow your emotions to get that bad one piece of cake.
45:43
OK, yeah. So, you know, it's just kind of
45:47
soap for me. Just identifying or embracing
45:51
those layers is giving myself grace, but also identifying
45:55
triggers that got me there and what I can do moving forward.
46:00
So I won't. We won't keep going over that
46:03
trigger or have that same issue, but we can.
46:06
Move forward and. You know, to something else.
46:09
Well, that acknowledgement piece is so important because you
46:12
can't move forward in a healthier way for yourself
46:16
without the acknowledgement or oh, that's what that and that's
46:19
where that curiosity part comes in.
46:21
Yeah, yeah, I love that. Thank you so much for sharing
46:24
that. That was so good.
46:25
All right, in living out, feel, finding empowerment, embracing
46:29
layers, which is what you have unfolded so beautifully today as
46:33
we talked through your journey with this.
46:36
Talk to me about how that's impacted your relationship with
46:39
yourself as well as your relationship with others.
46:44
So living out field it, it helps you show up more.
46:52
Like I said, I said in the I don't know if I said this in the
46:55
beginning, but being more present patient.
47:00
Yeah. And, and even playful, I think
47:05
sometimes, sometimes we take ourselves too serious, you know,
47:10
we can be too serious, but it's, it's just letting your hair down
47:14
a little bit, you know, and just laughing or, you know, just not
47:20
taking yourself too serious and, and things.
47:24
So for me that that's, that's what it is.
47:28
It's being present 'cause I, I, I can't tell you that there have
47:33
been sometimes where I haven't always been present.
47:36
And I'm talking about not just physically, but I'm talking
47:38
about being present mentally. Yeah, yeah.
47:42
But but it's being present because when we are, we can take
47:45
note of what's really happening. You know how something just like
47:50
you know something happened, but you don't really remember what
47:53
happened? You know, maybe you was thinking
47:55
about something else. Kind of like when you're in a
47:57
boring meeting and my mind is all over.
47:59
And you just checked out. Me.
48:01
Yeah, I done checked out. I really don't know what you're
48:05
talking about or what you said and please don't Call My Name
48:09
but Oh my. Gosh.
48:13
So it's being present, but it's also being patient, patient with
48:19
myself, patient with others, you know, and whatnot.
48:23
And like I said, just being playful and not just taking
48:25
yourself so, so serious. Yeah, I love that you brought up
48:30
the playful piece. We underestimate the power of
48:34
play. You we played as children and
48:37
then at some point we were told or decided that it wasn't OK to
48:40
play anymore and we lost that. And it's such an important piece
48:45
that came up with it with my therapist a few years ago.
48:48
She was like, she's like, what are you doing for fun this
48:50
weekend? And she goes, and I don't mean
48:52
what you're doing for fun because you've identified the
48:54
five ways it's good for your dopamine levels and hormones.
48:58
What are you doing for fun? Just for fun?
49:01
I'm like, I don't think I know how to do that.
49:04
She's like, I want you to learn how or relearn how.
49:07
She's like, you used to know how to do that.
49:09
And it was such a good reminder, yes.
49:13
Yeah, yeah. Playful having, you know, just
49:17
having fun. There's nothing wrong with it,
49:20
you know. So I so that's like you said
49:24
that that's very important. But I think, like you said too,
49:28
that we've forgotten how to forgotten that.
49:32
Yeah, lost it. Yeah, bringing that back in
49:35
again. So good.
49:37
All right, we are down to the rapid fire.
49:39
Name 5 activities that nourish you.
49:44
So I mentioned this earlier, so my puzzles, yeah, I love game
49:51
and yes, and and whatever and and winning at them.
49:59
I would say so that a solo solo date, like I'm going on some
50:06
solo dates and you know, whatever journaling, it's my
50:10
thing. So that that brings me
50:12
nourishment. Of course, cloud watching, I
50:17
love to I love the sun. You know when it's like about to
50:22
go down and dig the sky just like beautiful.
50:26
It's so calming and so that that's what does it meditation
50:31
music listening to Sometimes I don't always want to hear words,
50:36
but it's just the soothing sounds of just music itself.
50:41
So that whether that's classical, whether that's, you
50:45
know, the little water in the back with the, you know, the
50:49
Zen, you know, whatever. Yeah, I love like that and I
50:54
need to do this more. But walking, walking is, is a
50:59
good stress really. So those are my, those are my 5
51:04
activities that helps me, that nourishes me and that kind of
51:08
keeps me calm and. Peaceful.
51:11
Yeah. Good.
51:13
I love that. Alright, 5 words on how you want
51:15
to feel the next six months. Oh gosh, empowered.
51:26
I've said this before, present, that's important, peaceful,
51:35
connected. And we talked about this
51:41
playful, joyful. Yeah, so.
51:45
Yeah, it's, you know, you can't underestimate the power of joy.
51:48
And I think we're living in a time where it's really important
51:53
not to lose that. We need those moments of joy to
51:56
fill our cups. And I've repeated this a lot
52:00
over the last couple weeks and I, and it's a quote that came
52:04
from someone, I think it was Audrey Lorde.
52:07
I could be wrong on that. So I don't want to put that in
52:09
stone, but joy as an act of resistance because powers that
52:15
be want to steal our joy and not and and make us feel like it's
52:21
the world is too chaotic to be joyful.
52:25
No, we have to find ways to capture that because that's part
52:30
of our health journey and that's how we feel our cups so we can
52:33
show up every day the way we want to.
52:36
Exactly. And it's the most to me, one of
52:39
the most important parts of your health journey, you know, so.
52:44
So yes, it's to me, it's kind of like that, you know, they.
52:49
Yeah, exactly. So yes, but.
52:56
I know, I know, I love that. That's great.
52:59
Tell we're trying to tell people where they can find you and
53:02
follow you with. This will also be on our website
53:05
at embracinglayers.com on the resources page.
53:07
But let people know right now how they can find you, follow
53:10
you. Listen to you well, I'm on
53:13
Instagram at at just some inspiration.
53:17
That's JUSTSUM inspiration, the number 2 you I'm on TikTok at
53:26
inspo with row. I'm on YouTube.
53:32
Was it inspirations with Roshanda?
53:35
But that link is also at inspo with row.
53:38
I'm on Facebook. I'm on Facebook.
53:42
I have pages, of course I have a personal page where Shonda
53:45
Blackman, but I have pages like for the podcasts and things of
53:49
that nature matters of the heart with Rashonda, the girlfriends
53:53
girlfriend, which can be found on Spotify, Apple podcast,
53:58
wherever your favorite music and podcast stations reside.
54:02
That's where those podcasts, you know, will be.
54:06
So yeah, if you want to read something old and I stopped
54:11
blogging in 2020, but there's just some inspiration.com so you
54:16
can yeah, OK, look up the service button and just stuff in
54:20
there that you can read. I like.
54:22
That alright, well, good. We'll have all of that will be
54:27
on our website. And any last thoughts you want
54:30
to leave with our listeners today?
54:35
Last thoughts, I would say be authentically you because
54:43
there's only one you. There's nobody else you know,
54:48
And I said this on the podcast, the world doesn't need a copy.
54:51
They need you. So show up as your most
54:54
authentic self. Be you.
54:57
And what you'll find out is that you'll discover new things about
55:03
yourself, those layers of start coming out.
55:06
You'll find out things about yourself that you probably never
55:08
knew, but it'll never come out if you don't be authentically
55:13
you. So forget the copies.
55:16
Just be you and just be yourself and show up as you.
55:20
That's what. That's what the world needs.
55:23
So yeah, yeah, what a great way to wrap this up.
55:26
Thank you so much for being with me today.
55:28
I appreciate this so much. Listeners, You've got it.
55:32
Show up as your authentic self. Be you.
55:35
We need you as you are, as you were created to be.
55:39
Thanks so much for being with us.
55:40
Take good care and we'll see you next time here on the Feel
55:45
Podcast. Hello, and thank you so much for
55:49
being with us today on this episode of the Feel Podcast.
55:54
If you would like more information on how you can apply
55:58
these talking points that I share with our guests in each
56:01
episode to your own life, really utilize this Feel framework.
56:07
Go to embracinglayers.com, fill out our contact form and let's
56:12
set up a free 30 minute consultation to talk about how
56:16
you can start being your most authentic, organic, healthy feel
56:22
fueled life. Thanks again for being with us
56:25
today. We'll be back to you soon with
56:27
another episode here on the Feel Podcast.