Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Be Nicer And Your Wife, If She Is At All Healthy, Will Love You More

Transcript

Be Nicer And Your Wife, If She Is At All Healthy, Will Love You More · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi, everybody, and welcome to the doctor.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today, I'm going to be talking about yet again, a
• 0:12
  common misconception that men have, which is that if you're
• 0:15
  nice, then women don't respect you.
• 0:17
  Or they don't want to have sex with you, or like, just whatever
• 0:21
  whack do. I use our a couple times.
• 0:23
  Now, last two podcasts, Wackadoo that's like from my childhood
• 0:29
  kind of kind of silly ridiculous.
• 0:33
  I mean I cannot even think Enough synonyms for ridiculous.
• 0:37
  Thought process. This is it is entirely
• 0:40
  inaccurate for the large large, majority of women who are
• 0:44
  healthy and it is only accurate for the few women that are very
• 0:49
  unhealthy. Such as ones that have
• 0:51
  borderline personality and acute trauma history, that's like
• 0:56
  really bad Etc and we will get into why to be nice to your
• 1:01
  wife. Right.
• 1:01
  After I tell you to subscribe, my most recent subscribers
• 1:05
  Episode was what does a healthy compromise?
• 1:08
  Look like when Partners have differing libidos, which is just
• 1:12
  a common common situation, almost a universal situation.
• 1:17
  After the honeymoon stage that one partner, most often the man
• 1:21
  sometimes the woman has a higher libido than the other because
• 1:24
  people are not identical so you're not dating your clone.
• 1:27
  So you can't have the exact same sex drive.
• 1:29
  So what do you do in this situation?
• 1:31
  What does a compromise look like that's healthy?
• 1:33
  What does it compromise? Look like that, son.
• 1:35
  Unhealthy, what do men do to push too much?
• 1:38
  And what do women do to get out of their comfort zone to little
• 1:41
  all that is on the most recent subscriber episode.
• 1:44
  In addition to 122 more, by the time, you hear this, more than
• 1:48
  that, all right? So, so let's let's go to the
• 1:53
  topic at hand. A lot of guys think that being
• 1:56
  nice means just being like, some sort of a pussy.
• 1:59
  And so you shouldn't be nice to women because they just like
• 2:02
  assholes. This is so stupid.
• 2:05
  This is not real. This is like if your wife said,
• 2:08
  the reason that nobody likes me at work because I'm not just not
• 2:11
  bitchy enough. You be like, no.
• 2:13
  Like that's the first of all, you are and second of all know
• 2:17
  that is bullshit. Probably, it's because you're
• 2:19
  not doing your job or you're too sensitive or some other thing
• 2:23
  because there's no reason that somebody's not gonna like you
• 2:27
  unless you make yourself unlikable.
• 2:29
  So a lot of the guys that say that they're too nice are
• 2:32
  actually not nice, they're actually not being nice.
• 2:35
  I know this because I see them a couples counseling and there are
• 2:38
  like, you know what my problem is.
• 2:39
  And I haven't have a podcast with this title.
• 2:41
  My problem is, I'm too nice. Let me tell anybody, listening.
• 2:45
  If you think your only problem is that you're too nice.
• 2:47
  I have a bridge to sell you, it is some bullshit that you've
• 2:50
  told yourself a probably learned that at home.
• 2:53
  When you probably had a parent that was walking around loudly
• 2:56
  declaiming, you know how nice they are and how they get taken
• 3:00
  advantage of by everybody because they're so nice, nose.
• 3:05
  This is not true. So it's a way for basically, a
• 3:08
  covert narcissist to act. I'm so nice that this is why
• 3:13
  things don't work out for me. It couldn't possibly because I
• 3:16
  render myself completely unlikable with his martyr act or
• 3:20
  I'm passive aggressive and irritating or any number of
• 3:24
  other things that would make people kind of unlikable.
• 3:27
  It has to be because I'm too nice.
• 3:30
  I'm just too good, I'm too good for the world, you know, and
• 3:33
  it's not real. So that so So how did you guys
• 3:36
  that think that they're too nice.
• 3:37
  Actually come off. A lot of them come off.
• 3:40
  Very manipulative. And there is a, this idea of
• 3:43
  covert contracts in the manosphere that like if you are
• 3:47
  being a nice guy, but you're doing it with the intention of
• 3:50
  getting laid. Then that's a covert contract at
• 3:52
  women picked up on that shit and they don't like it.
• 3:54
  That's true. But also there's Occam's razor
• 3:58
  to like a very simple explanation which is that you
• 4:00
  really not that nice. So what do I mean by nice?
• 4:04
  I mean kind Attentive caring, loving agreeable, Pleasant on
• 4:11
  the Big Five personality traits, you would be high on
• 4:14
  agreeableness which just means somebody who goes with the flow,
• 4:16
  which everybody likes. Everybody likes that uniformly,
• 4:20
  right. Unless I told you at the
• 4:22
  beginning, I would say who doesn't like this women who have
• 4:24
  been mistreated, right? So if a woman has been
• 4:27
  mistreated particularly by men, then they will only find a
• 4:30
  familiar when a guys are raging asshole, and that is what they
• 4:34
  will go for. So, you know, very, very few
• 4:39
  women. Thank God are in the category
• 4:42
  that they have been abused. So massively that they can only
• 4:46
  really gravitate toward abusive men, but those do exist.
• 4:50
  So women with borderline personality disorder you the way
• 4:53
  that you get borderline personality disorder is by being
• 4:57
  a sensitive kid and a very bad environment which can include
• 5:00
  emotional, sexual physical abuse.
• 5:03
  But most people don't have borderline Ality disorder.
• 5:06
  This is very low rates, you know, like one or two percent.
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  So the reality is that most people do not have borderline
• 5:14
  personality disorder and id8 percent of people do not.
• 5:18
  And so therefore if you're basing anything on on this then
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  you know you are likely missing the fact that your wife does not
• 5:25
  have borderline personality disorder unless you does when
• 5:27
  which case this is not relevant and therefore she wants somebody
• 5:31
  who treats her. Well you know she wants somebody
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  Treat her well, because she's a healthy human being at least in
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  part she's a healthy. Human beings, not perfect, but
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  generally human beings want somebody who treats them.
• 5:45
  Well, that's what they want. So we, if you are a nice
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  attentive loving guy and you're having marital problems, maybe
• 5:54
  you're not so nice. Let me need that.
• 5:56
  You really think about it. I mean maybe you not coming off
• 6:00
  like you think you are perception is reality.
• 6:02
  There's a lot of guys who are very successful in business
• 6:05
  Business and they would never say, you know, I think we close
• 6:08
  this deal, but he doesn't think we close the deal, but I do so,
• 6:13
  you know what, I'm just gonna operate as though.
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  We have that money coming in because I personally think that
• 6:18
  we close the deal. Despite that, you know, the guy
• 6:21
  was trying to make the deal with insist that we did not in fact,
• 6:24
  make a deal. I just gonna go with that.
• 6:26
  We did know it's crazy, right? But then you do that in your
• 6:30
  marriage, you look. I think I'm nice.
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  She, you know, has lots of Lives with my personality.
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  She thinks I could be arrogant, passive-aggressive difficult,
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  rigid overly controlling, anxious, all of them, all manner
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  of things. But you know what, I think I'm a
• 6:47
  nice guy. So thus, the problem must be
• 6:50
  that women don't like nice guys. I'm serious.
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  This is actually what happens with a lot of couples that come
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  in the guy insists that he's so nice and the woman's like but
• 6:59
  he's not he's not nice, but if she hadn't come in, this is why
• 7:03
  couples this is why would I have?
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  Visual therapy. Very, very frequently.
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  I think just let the spouse come in one time, right?
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  Let me consult with the spouse and frequently it turns into
• 7:13
  couples counseling, then. But at least I could understand
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  from this, horse's mouth. Exactly with the spouse things
• 7:19
  of the person because people really cannot, you know, they
• 7:23
  don't they can't really pass up that opportunity to really say
• 7:28
  what they think of the person. So very frequently somebody who
• 7:31
  comes in saying I'm so nice. I'm so nice.
• 7:34
  Yeah. Like Or they're not like a nasty
• 7:37
  person, but they have plenty of things that render them not.
• 7:40
  So, pleasant agreeable, loving caring, Etc.
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  As they think that they are. So the point here is, if you are
• 7:50
  genuinely a nice guy, is probably going to go well for
• 7:53
  you. Friendships marriage, parenting,
• 7:57
  and by nice again. What did I mean?
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  Not some sort of pushover manosphere idea of nice guy
• 8:02
  syndrome or whatever. But actually a like Double
• 8:05
  agreeable flexible laid-back Pleasant happy cheerful person,
• 8:13
  any actual synonyms in, in, like, a dictionary of nuts.
• 8:17
  So, if you are, in fact, not as nice as you think, then, what
• 8:21
  should you do? Well, first of all, you would
• 8:23
  have to know that. So, actually, take the feedback
• 8:25
  that your wife has given you, you know?
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  I mean, she may say you're too passive.
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  She may say that you're too rigid.
• 8:31
  She may say that you're too anxious, all of these things as
• 8:34
  those do. Sound too nice honestly, to deal
• 8:36
  with. So maybe it's not her, maybe
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  it's not that. You're too nice.
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  A nice guys. Finish last.
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  Maybe you're not nice. I may be nice guys.
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  Finish first as they do literally everywhere, like
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  everywhere likable, people are liked and it's a very big myth.
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  That only mean people get to be popular or whatever.
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  Actual research shows that the likable people are the popular
• 9:00
  people that the enough people like them.
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  That's literally the definition of popularity.
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  And only really the people on the that that have always
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  struggled with social anxiety and can never kind and
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  awkwardness. And, and, you know, real
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  difficult interpersonal relationships.
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  These people think that the popular people are all assholes,
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  but when you actually hang out with the popular people, like
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  when they grow up, it's the same thing for them in business.
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  As the same thing for them in relationships, they are the
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  Kinder people and that's why people are drawn to them,
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  they're smiling. Are happy.
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  They're frequently extroverted you know it's nice to be around
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  them. They complement people, you
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  know, and you can really only act nice from a position of
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  power. You know you have to have
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  confidence in order to act nice. Otherwise you're always kind of
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  jockeying for a position in the social hierarchy but the people
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  who are confident or the nicest of all because they can afford
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  to be, you know, so it's like the guy who treats a you know, a
• 10:01
  waitress or a waiter like shit. Like that's not a nice.
• 10:05
  Nice guy, but it's also not a guy with any confidence.
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  The guy with confidence treats everybody nice because why not?
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  He feels good. Why shouldn't everybody feel
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  good? If this is the kind of nice guy
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  that you are. It's unlikely.
• 10:17
  Honestly that you're listening that much to my podcast because
• 10:20
  your marriage is probably going. All right.
• 10:22
  Now, does that mean that your wife's libido will never
• 10:24
  slacking. Obviously not.
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  So there is a situation in, which it is a genuinely nice
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  guy, and all of the ways that I say, a pleasant agreeable, kind
• 10:34
  generous. And things are going well until
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  his wife's will be, do you know decreases or she experiences
• 10:41
  depression or anxiety or any of these things and then you know,
• 10:45
  he starts to act less nice because he doesn't understand
• 10:49
  why her did her desire is down. And then he starts getting all
• 10:53
  bent out of shape about it. These are the kind of couples
• 10:55
  that could really benefit from counseling.
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  And for whom Counseling doesn't really even have to last
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  endlessly because it's really a lot of Education like You know,
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  a guy learning that his wife's desire naturally goes down
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  within monogamy. Here are the ways that the
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  female body works. Here are the ways that's you
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  know, responsive vs. Spontaneous desire work, etc,
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  etc. And so such a guy, if he feels
• 11:21
  like he is actually being a nice kind, loving guy, and his wife's
• 11:26
  desire goes down, anyway, but he's always had this, you know,
• 11:29
  false narrative that women are attracted to you just based on
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  your personality Looks and it has nothing to do with them,
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  internally their cycle, their aging their hormones, they're
• 11:40
  giving birth their depression, their anxiety.
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  If he thinks that it's all having to do with him and he
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  thinks he's still doing his part of the deal such as it were by
• 11:48
  being in, actually kinda nice guy but her desire goes down
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  anyway and then he somehow feels like she doesn't like him
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  anymore, you know, versus understanding that desire just
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  goes down for various reasons, then he could start turning into
• 12:01
  a real asshole because he's resentful and then he's not nice
• 12:06
  anymore and then her desire goes down even further into the
• 12:09
  gutter you know because he's actually acting kind of like a
• 12:12
  dick and this is a very common you know dynamic that I see is
• 12:17
  that everything was going well and the guy actually was kind of
• 12:21
  you know a nice guy until he kind of misinterpreted his
• 12:25
  wife's natural slackening of Desire or whatever health issues
• 12:30
  or hormone issues or birth or pregnancy or whatever issues she
• 12:34
  had related. Unrelated to him.
• 12:36
  They had to do that would have been temporary.
• 12:39
  But so for example pregnancy, right.
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  So if a guy does not really understand that pregnancy can
• 12:43
  wreak havoc on a woman's body and brain.
• 12:45
  And then within nursing basically, you have no sex drive
• 12:48
  at all. And he he assumes that she's
• 12:52
  just like not into him anymore. And then he starts to get, oh,
• 12:55
  she only sees me as a paycheck or like, whatever and only as a
• 12:59
  dad and not as a husband. Maybe I just have to go to the
• 13:02
  gym, more something. And he doesn't understand.
• 13:05
  Like any kind of basic education about female desire or biology.
• 13:10
  Then he starts to act like an asshole and then she's gonna not
• 13:15
  come back out of the pregnancy. Nursing phase with desire again
• 13:20
  as many women. Do, of course, when the, you
• 13:23
  know, the tiny little child stages over.
• 13:25
  They do want to have sex again. If there is a loving marriage,
• 13:28
  they won't come back out of that because they're not in a loving
• 13:31
  marriage anymore because now he is acting like an asshole.
• 13:33
  He's not being a nice guy. So, for healthy women and
• 13:37
  healthy, men, being treated, well, need to feel good and more
• 13:40
  likely to be close and more likely to be flexible generous,
• 13:44
  and giving and get outside your comfort zone.
• 13:46
  For unhealthy people. Such as people have been very
• 13:49
  much abused as children. They will be more drawn to
• 13:52
  assholes, right? They will bit of both genders.
• 13:55
  So a guy whose abused will also be drawn to a woman who's not
• 13:58
  nice to, you know? And so when you have very low
• 14:02
  self-esteem, then you are drawn to people who don't treat you
• 14:05
  well. But hopefully the goal of most
• 14:08
  men is not to marry and procreate with a woman who has
• 14:11
  very low self-esteem. You want to get a woman who
• 14:13
  kills pretty okay about herself and it's not great about
• 14:17
  herself, you know, and two things that she deserves
• 14:19
  somebody to treat her well. So if she thinks somebody
• 14:22
  deserves to treat her well and you don't, well then the shit's
• 14:25
  gonna hit the fan. So just to be completely clear,
• 14:30
  I don't get a lot of people in couples counseling at all, where
• 14:33
  I'm like, man has such a nice Bye.
• 14:35
  Well, loving man. Just partnered with such a
• 14:39
  bitch, you know, poor guy like that is like very rare.
• 14:44
  I mean, not that I would ever say like, you know, that's not
• 14:47
  gonna be clinical diagnosis. Nice guy with bitch.
• 14:49
  But, you know, it's like sure some people come in and the wife
• 14:54
  has like, pretty flagrant borderline symptoms and he then
• 14:58
  usually as pretty flagrant narcissistic symptoms as I've
• 15:00
  discussed. Those two find each other or
• 15:02
  she's like super depressed. So she's like, Very angry and
• 15:06
  irritable like all the time and like quite honestly, he's not
• 15:09
  doing much wrong, you know, but she is really suffering from
• 15:13
  postpartum depression or something.
• 15:15
  Yes. Sometimes but most of what I see
• 15:19
  is that he thinks he's real nice but he's not and I see the other
• 15:22
  way to women come in. All, I'm so nice.
• 15:25
  I'm so good to him. Oh, yeah.
• 15:28
  What do you do? Oh, I do all these things for
• 15:30
  the children and you knows if he's around, he can come Like so
• 15:36
  you know there's people are people generally overestimate
• 15:39
  how nice they are. They overestimate?
• 15:41
  What a good spouse. They're being.
• 15:43
  They overestimate like how likable they are.
• 15:46
  I mean people overestimate. What a good sense of humor.
• 15:48
  They have what a good driver. They are like everything so if
• 15:52
  you think that you're being so nice.
• 15:54
  But yeah, your spouse does not seem to be responding to you.
• 15:56
  Well this would be a very good thing to come to couples
• 15:58
  counseling and say you know because everybody I hope that
• 16:03
  listens to this podcast wants you.
• 16:05
  No, a reality. Check of some sort and it could
• 16:08
  be a big reality check to go talk to somebody else and then,
• 16:11
  you know, they don't think your problem is that, you're too
• 16:13
  nice. Actually.
• 16:14
  Don't think that at all, you know, maybe they think that your
• 16:17
  problem is that you're too passive or too anxious, or too,
• 16:20
  controlling, or to jealous or two or you have to low
• 16:23
  self-esteem or you yourself or depressive.
• 16:25
  And then on the other hand, your spouse is dealing with whatever
• 16:28
  their issue is. And it's a dynamic because it's
• 16:32
  a dynamic in almost Every situation.
• 16:36
  Unless as I said somebody is isn't a massive depressive
• 16:39
  episode, very much addicted to something and just acting like
• 16:44
  in a completely different way than they ever did originally.
• 16:50
  You know, because of some big change that just happened to
• 16:54
  them. Yes, sure.
• 16:56
  But you know what, it doesn't really take the partner too long
• 16:58
  before they start acting like an asshole right back because
• 17:01
  that's just how people are and then the dynamic perpetuates
• 17:03
  itself. So the Reality is, if you are
• 17:07
  nice loving kind etcetera, in any sort of anything, even close
• 17:11
  to a healthy relationship, this is going to go a hell of a lot
• 17:13
  better for you and if your relationship isn't going well
• 17:17
  interrogate, how, truly, nice, kind loving, it said where you
• 17:20
  are being a healthy person, respond so well to that women,
• 17:25
  will brag about that. Oh, my husband did the sweetest
• 17:28
  thing for me. Oh, my husband did the nicest
• 17:29
  thing and this smile, and they'll be happy and even in
• 17:32
  couples counseling, the guy does something nice here.
• 17:35
  Ends up getting laid a lot more because that's just the reality
• 17:38
  of how life goes when the woman does something nice, he ends up
• 17:41
  happier to people who are in a relationship.
• 17:44
  Want the other one to be nice to them and less, as I said, there
• 17:48
  is a unique, very abusive history going on.
• 17:51
  But then the large met, the most of you that are listening.
• 17:54
  The nicer, you are the better, your marriage will go.
• 17:56
  A knife is not a bad word, it is in no way a turn-off It is, it
• 18:01
  is a turn on that. Women want a man?
• 18:04
  Who seems like he loves them. That is that as cash?
• 18:06
  A, that's that's, that's something to brag about that.
• 18:09
  Your husband loves you so much. You know, this is what everybody
• 18:13
  wants. This is what all that intimacy
• 18:15
  porn is on the internet. That your wife ravenously
• 18:17
  consumes those couples in Love on Instagram, Etc.
• 18:21
  She doesn't follow people. Where the guy treats the woman
• 18:23
  like shit. She follows couples on social
• 18:26
  media where the guys always bringing home flowers and
• 18:29
  writing like cute little notes to her.
• 18:31
  I'm picking her up and writing, you know, and Swinging her
• 18:34
  around kissing her and hugging her.
• 18:36
  And looking at her lovingly. This is the stuff that your wife
• 18:38
  likes, that's the porn for her. Like, the porn for you is
• 18:41
  blowjobs and anal and whatever you watch.
• 18:44
  This is her anal. So, on that note, I will depart,
• 18:49
  but keep this in mind and it would be a good one.
• 18:52
  You know, to really think about, in terms of, should I go to
• 18:57
  couples counseling? Because the answer is probably
• 18:59
  yes, you know, as As wonderful and Brilliant.
• 19:02
  It's my podcast can be is really not a replacement for couples
• 19:07
  counseling if you're really struggling.
• 19:09
  So anyway, I hope everybody has a great day and I will talk to
• 19:12
  you all soon. Do subscribe.
• 19:14
  Bye.