Latest / The Daily Sarcast / July 13th, 2026: A Slurpee Marathon In Philly, Strippers At A Funeral In Amsterdam And Practicing Not Losing Things With A Buffalo Exchange Card

Transcript

July 13th, 2026: A Slurpee Marathon In Philly, Strippers At A Funeral In Amsterdam And Practicing Not Losing Things With A Buffalo Exchange Card · The Daily Sarcast

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  Today's episode is sponsored by the refresh button, because if you hit it enough
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  times, eventually something will happen.
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  It's not even 6am and I've already gotten called to Meek Dawes two times and
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  Sha'Carri Richardson once.
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  Simone Biles on Instagram the other day.
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  Insert theme song here. This is the Daily Starcast. I give you the news and maybe you'll laugh.
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  I'm Lindsay Vernick and today is July 13th, 2026.
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  Good morning. I hope you guys all had a great weekend, wherever you are in the world.
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  I had a good weekend my god that soccer game if you guys watched that soccer game,
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  which one did i watch norwegians versus england they played england it was three hours long,
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  and if you're watching if you don't know about this soccer game there's like
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  a penalty situation so then like the time kept going up and up and like increasing.
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  I do not typically watch soccer and i thought it was the countdown so I thought
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  they were just adding more time
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  so I thought we literally had like another two hours to go but someone was like
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  oh no there's only 20 minutes left like thank god it's literally almost been
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  a three hour game I literally thought we were stuck at this bar like all night but yeah super fun time,
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  anyway so in real news scientists just found out that there's these things called
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  sea sponges and they've been actually recording ocean temperatures for centuries now,
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  and it turns out that Earth may have actually crossed the 1.5 degree global
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  warming threshold years earlier than we thought.
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  Now I know what you're thinking. What are sea sponges? Apparently,
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  they grow so slowly in the ocean, they're like basically nature's hard drives.
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  They've been sitting at the bottom of the ocean collecting climate data while
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  we are all up here pretending we know the climate data.
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  But on the bright side, it's nice to know someone's been taking notes.
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  We have a lot of countries at war, billion-dollar satellites circling the planet,
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  and decades of climate conferences when there's actually just some sponges sitting on the,
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  ocean floor getting some real information.
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  It's kind of embarrassing, really. Like, we have supercomputers,
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  we've launched rockets into space, and pretty advanced AI.
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  But the actual thing that is helping climate science is something that we all
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  squeeze at our kitchen sinks.
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  The lesson here is that the best things and the smartest are usually the simplest.
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  So this guy in Philly celebrated Slurpee Day, which is July 7th,
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  7-Eleven, by running more than 55 miles to every 7-Eleven in the city,
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  and he drank a free Slurpee at each stop and all for charity.
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  Like, imagine seeing someone sprint into 7-Eleven, slam a blue raspberry Slurpee,
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  yell, for the kids and immediately take off running to go to the next 7-Eleven.
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  I mean, that's not that crazy at all for Philly.
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  The best part about this is that he raised money for students run Philly style,
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  so it's kind of hard to criticize someone who's literally running for a good cause.
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  Although I do think after Slurpee number like 2, 3, I can't even think about
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  12, the only thing running was probably his stomach.
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  So you've got to admire the commitment. Most of us celebrate free Slurpee day
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  by walking into one 7-Eleven.
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  This guy just turned it into an ultramarathon.
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  If that's not the most American endurance sport ever invented,
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  I don't know what is. Maybe McDonald's marathons are next?
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  Okay, so there's this video in Amsterdam that went viral because there was a
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  funeral for this couple who owned a strip club or, you know,
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  one of those clubs in the Red Light District.
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  And this video was a pole dancer performing in front of the coffins.
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  Now, before you judge, the family said this was literally on purpose,
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  obviously. It was actually a tribute to the life this couple lived.
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  I mean, you have to respect the commitment to the brand. Most people spend their
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  whole lives saying, I want my funeral to be a celebration of life,
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  but it really just turns out to be a massive spread and maybe some good cookies.
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  But this family was like, no, they're going out exactly how they lived.
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  The funeral director even said he had never seen anything like it,
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  and that's impressive, because funeral
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  directors have literally seen every possible version of human drama.
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  And the song choice for this dance was Queen's The Show Must Go On.
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  I mean, you can't really be mad about that one. They picked a theme and they committed to it.
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  And they left everyone going home with a story. Everyone across the world with one, too.
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  I guess that's one way to make sure no one leaves the funeral early.
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  And Lindsay Life. So yesterday, I donated a bunch of clothes to Buffalo Exchange.
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  And I actually, some of them were worth money. Actually, I donated like two
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  designer dresses, like a bunch of clothes.
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  But the only thing that actually ended up being worth money was my very used on-cloud sneakers.
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  And she gave me like $18 for them well okay so it was $18 in store credit or
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  $8 in cash so I was like you know what fine I'll take the $10 more and I'll
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  find something eventually one day at Buffalo Exchange anyways,
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  I go to get my card like with the credit on it and he hands me like the guy
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  the cashier he hands me like this little card obviously with my money on it and I And I was like,
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  I don't know if I can hold on to this.
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  Like, I can't even find my passport. I lost that. It's in my own house.
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  And he was like, well, this will be good practice for you then.
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  Thing of the week this week is Lindsey Graham's death. This is the biggest plot twist this week.
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  The sudden death of Senator Lindsey Graham at 71 years old.
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  All politics aside, I don't think anyone had that on their 2026 bingo card.
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  It was one of those notifications where you had to read it twice because you
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  just automatically assume that you misread it. Or it's fake news.
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  The internet has spent years making jokes that certain politicians would outlive
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  us all, and Lindsey Graham was the one who completely blindsided everyone.
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  Within minutes, the reaction started pouring in. Trump called him one of the
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  greatest senators and a true American patriot.
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  Leaders from across Washington and the world came out with their tributes,
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  obviously, and South Carolina is not preparing to have a temporary replacement
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  senator while planning a special election for a new one.
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  It's one of those rare moments where the entire news cycle just stops,
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  and you're like, wait, what?
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  That just happened, and that's all anybody can talk about.
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  Whether you agreed with him or absolutely hated his guts, or only remembered
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  he existed every election season, everyone has had the same reaction.
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  Wait, Lindsey Graham?
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  Cooking tip of the day. If you get bored of cooking, you can walk away for a
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  few minutes. It's literally fine.
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  Feedback comments questions a nice Jewish by looking for a date email me at
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  lindsay at the daily starcast.com thanks so much for listening talk to you guys tomorrow.