Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / It Can't All Ride On The Penis (Pun Intended)

Transcript

It Can't All Ride On The Penis (Pun Intended) · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:06
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the doctor psych mom show.
• 0:09
  Today, we're going to be talking about the overemphasis, on the
• 0:12
  penis, can all ride on the penis and before we get to that topic,
• 0:17
  which I'm sure you are just on tenterhooks to hear about.
• 0:21
  Please do subscribe. My most recent one was on how to
• 0:25
  act like a happy adult. If you never saw a happy adult
• 0:28
  and how to be a happy adult as a template for your children to
• 0:31
  learn how to be a happy adult. But how are you, happy adult?
• 0:34
  You don't know. What that looks like because
• 0:35
  your home life was dysfunctional and I guide you through it.
• 0:38
  So subscribe for that one and like 90-something.
• 0:42
  Almost 100 others. All right.
• 0:44
  So frequently, you know, people tell me that they're struggling
• 0:48
  with sexual issues and these involve erectile dysfunction,
• 0:52
  and as I talked about in the erections Wax and Wane people
• 0:55
  podcast, as well as literally, a podcast on premature ejaculation
• 1:01
  like this happens because guys are anxious.
• 1:03
  Yes, of course. Also, they get They get old
• 1:05
  fine. Everybody gets Old Time, Marches
• 1:08
  on time. Waits for no man.
• 1:09
  No penises is eludes the grasp of time, but also, as you get
• 1:18
  older, you, you have, you know, less natural testosterone and
• 1:22
  whatever. But then your anxiety, which
• 1:24
  would probably always there and contribute to premature
• 1:27
  ejaculation, if and also erectile dysfunction.
• 1:31
  So, like your testosterone, it's an enough to outweigh your
• 1:33
  anxiety. You're going to be anxious the
• 1:36
  firt, okay. So the first time you lose your
• 1:37
  erection, then you're going to be anxious that it's going to
• 1:39
  happen every time. So then it gets in your head and
• 1:41
  then you can't calm down and whatever.
• 1:43
  But what makes this better, it makes it better.
• 1:46
  If you have other shit to do, right?
• 1:47
  Like except like, use your penis, because of everything is
• 1:51
  about your penis that you're going to have to stop having sex
• 1:55
  a lot earlier in your life span, then a guy who's partnered with
• 2:00
  somebody who understands and they shouldn't understand it
• 2:03
  through know. Communication.
• 2:06
  Like you would have to communicate it that the penis
• 2:09
  cannot be the central organ, you know?
• 2:13
  The the it can be the main the cover story anymore, you know,
• 2:18
  like you really can. It's just really not fair, you
• 2:22
  know, a lot of women all the women eventually stop getting as
• 2:26
  wet over time. That's just some shit that
• 2:28
  happens with age. And can you imagine I always
• 2:31
  make this analogy because it really helps people understand.
• 2:34
  Can you imagine how much you would hate sex as a woman?
• 2:37
  You're like, man, I'm already there.
• 2:38
  But let me finish the sentence. How much you would hate it, if
• 2:43
  it was all riding on you getting wet.
• 2:44
  If he was like sitting there with some scientific device to
• 2:47
  calibrate how wet you were getting.
• 2:49
  And then like, if you were a wet enough, then he was going to
• 2:52
  enjoy the encounter. And if you weren't wet enough,
• 2:54
  then he wasn't and there's no way for him to have an orgasm,
• 2:56
  unless you're wet enough and Lube does not exist in the
• 2:59
  world. Well, shit, you're never going
• 3:01
  to want to have sex again. You're going to get so anxious.
• 3:04
  And Sent for you're going to be like, why can't we do something
• 3:07
  else? Why can't we do other sexual
• 3:08
  activities that we would enjoy, while I get wet?
• 3:11
  Or maybe I'm just not going to get wet and I can enjoy myself
• 3:14
  anyway, you know, and that's exactly how the man feels except
• 3:18
  because our, you know, our culture.
• 3:20
  So porn Centric every guy and many women.
• 3:24
  Think that it's all about the penis and that, if he doesn't
• 3:27
  have a raging erection then, like it's no good.
• 3:30
  That's bullshit. You know, as I talked about the
• 3:34
  other Last year was just the ridiculous Tick-Tock where this
• 3:37
  guy is like, don't get a man that needs you to play with it,
• 3:40
  to make it wake up, what the fuck.
• 3:44
  So he's saying, only get a man basically does 25 years old
• 3:48
  because, like, what if he has like a job presentation the next
• 3:51
  day? Like, I mean, what I don't even
• 3:53
  understand. Like, it would be so insane to
• 3:56
  say, don't get a woman who needs you to touch her genitals for
• 4:00
  her to get around. That's literally crazy.
• 4:03
  That's the stuff that guy. Stink.
• 4:05
  When they're 16 years old and I've only watched porn, they're
• 4:08
  like, oh, I know what turns on a woman?
• 4:10
  A big dick. A big dick turns, on a woman?
• 4:13
  She basically always has an orgasm even if she just sees a
• 4:16
  big dick, it's so easy to give a woman an orgasm.
• 4:19
  Just whip out the dick, right? That's something that like a
• 4:22
  basically, a boy thinks and hopefully a grown man
• 4:26
  understands that he has to stimulate a woman in order for
• 4:28
  her to get aroused. So, how is it different?
• 4:31
  A penis isn't a sexual organ to. So you Need to stimulate it for
• 4:35
  it to get aroused. Yes.
• 4:37
  Men have more testosterone and especially when they're young,
• 4:39
  they get erections freely even against their will but as they
• 4:43
  get older they need to have it stimulated.
• 4:47
  This is not this should not be a shock for anybody that owns a
• 4:51
  clitoris, right? Because you need to be
• 4:54
  stimulated in order to get off. So he needs to be stimulated in
• 4:59
  order for it to get off. So people need to, as I said, in
• 5:03
  a different podcast, Certified. Or this was a pose, diversify
• 5:07
  your sex life portfolio for long-term success.
• 5:10
  I was proud of that at the time. You know, I've lived a little
• 5:15
  corny but whatever and this means you got to be doing a lot
• 5:19
  of shit. It can't all be riding on the
• 5:21
  penis. If it's all riding on the man
• 5:23
  showing up and whipping out, a fully erect penis.
• 5:25
  Do you want to stop having sex at age 50?
• 5:28
  Because that's when a lot of the time he gets anxious, he gets in
• 5:32
  his head. It's testosterone is and where
• 5:33
  it used to be You know, sometimes he skips a morning
• 5:36
  erection that can happen earlier to.
• 5:38
  Also, by the way, there's a lot of men struggling with health
• 5:41
  issues that are also on medications.
• 5:43
  There's men who are overweight. There are a lot of men by the
• 5:46
  statistics, you know, a lot of women to that doesn't help with
• 5:50
  your erectile. Help your erectile, you know,
• 5:54
  ability. And any medication doesn't
• 5:57
  antidepressants. Don't like there's just so many
• 6:01
  variables if you're just waiting for a man to have the same.
• 6:04
  And the erectile capacity that he had a 25.
• 6:07
  You can be waiting a long time, and you may prematurely end your
• 6:11
  sex life much earlier in your life span.
• 6:15
  Then you would have if you figure it out that there's other
• 6:19
  kinds of sex like oral and manual stimulation and foreplay.
• 6:23
  And so that's another thing. Is that the there's a lot of
• 6:28
  women obviously, as I've talked about, who have a sexual
• 6:31
  blueprint, go back to erotic blueprint, podcast and and so
• 6:35
  they get turned on by intercourse, pretty much only.
• 6:38
  So, okay, so you get turned on by intercourse, I understand,
• 6:41
  but you know what, like if your favorite flavor of ice cream is
• 6:44
  not the ice cream store, do you just not get ice cream?
• 6:47
  You know. Ever know, sometimes in
• 6:49
  adulthood we can't always get what we want.
• 6:51
  So you may have to be flexible what a surprise and compromise
• 6:57
  and empathize. So if engaging in 10-15 minutes
• 7:01
  of foreplay turns on your partner, you So can learn and
• 7:05
  grow and evolve, and a woman with a sexual blueprint can turn
• 7:08
  into. Yes, sure she likes intercourse.
• 7:10
  But she also likes the lead up and how excited her husband gets
• 7:14
  and that's a turn-on and remember we still do have
• 7:17
  genitals and you could be looking at them all day all
• 7:19
  night whatever turns you on about genitals.
• 7:21
  But it doesn't have to just be intercourse, you know?
• 7:24
  And so even a woman with an erotic sexual blueprint that's
• 7:27
  primarily sexual can learn to also find other things arousing.
• 7:34
  So It's really it. Can you imagine how people would
• 7:37
  come down on a man? Who is like, no, I just really
• 7:41
  like to have penis and vagina sex.
• 7:43
  And I like to do it instantly. So she got to be wet right away
• 7:47
  or she has to really have Prelude.
• 7:49
  I don't want to waste my time, you know?
• 7:50
  So so for also, so from my perspective she's wet right
• 7:53
  away. However she made it happen.
• 7:55
  Cool. And then we have sex for five
• 7:58
  minutes on the dot I come. And you know, hopefully she came
• 8:01
  to and then we're done. Everybody would be like, What a
• 8:05
  neanderthal. Like he was nice to listen, to
• 8:07
  the doctor? Psych mom, show?
• 8:09
  What? A piece of shit, right yet.
• 8:11
  Women say this type of stuff, basically implicitly all the
• 8:13
  time. And also, the other thing is is
• 8:17
  sometimes women are like whoa you know, if he can't get it up
• 8:21
  then you know maybe we are done having sex maybe he really just
• 8:25
  doesn't want to that bad, you know?
• 8:27
  Yes he does most likely if he doesn't, he'll tell you but he
• 8:32
  probably does, he's just scared of you.
• 8:34
  He's scared of your judgment and your disapprobation when he,
• 8:37
  when he gets soft because in your world, two of you that
• 8:41
  you've created, that's based on things that don't exist, but
• 8:45
  that many people share and large shared delusion, which is also
• 8:49
  shared with porn. Everything has been about your
• 8:51
  penis and your erection. So if you don't have your
• 8:54
  erection is, this is a catastrophe.
• 8:56
  It isn't a catastrophe. That's the time to get creative
• 8:59
  and to think about other ways to make sure that both partners are
• 9:04
  Fulfil, he still wants to have sex.
• 9:07
  He's just terrified to try without having an erection
• 9:10
  because of the way that that's gone before.
• 9:13
  So what are other ways? As if said oral sex?
• 9:17
  Manual, sex when I talk about the oral in the oral sex on
• 9:19
  women podcast, that you should have subscribed to listen to, I
• 9:23
  talked about how a lot of women don't actually like oral sex
• 9:25
  because they feel lonely. He's all the way down there.
• 9:28
  He's probably not even very good, and they don't like it
• 9:32
  easy. It's just, you know, They're
• 9:34
  cold. There's no blanket on.
• 9:36
  They don't like the whole thing, but manual stimulation is what
• 9:39
  most women do to masturbate. Remember I told you about the
• 9:42
  damn vibrator put away, the vibrator, you got to learn how
• 9:45
  to give each other, orgasms without toys.
• 9:48
  What would you do if you were on a desert island with?
• 9:49
  You just never have sex. You're like yes but no that is
• 9:53
  the wrong answer. So if a woman can learn to give
• 9:57
  herself, you know, an orgasm with our hands and there's no
• 10:00
  reason that a man shouldn't to that the man should not learn
• 10:04
  exactly what The woman does that he could do the same thing or a
• 10:06
  better even maybe he could make it his mission to be even better
• 10:11
  than she is with her own body, which is possible.
• 10:13
  There's always like these people sometimes that comment, you
• 10:16
  know, on Tik toks or whatever and or in Life or the like no
• 10:20
  woman can give a hand job as good as you know, the one that I
• 10:22
  could give myself. That's not true.
• 10:25
  You've been with, you know, like if you, if somebody a man or
• 10:29
  woman in whichever way you have, if you've trained somebody to
• 10:33
  give you a good Hand job of either gender.
• 10:36
  The of course, is better than you doing it because they're
• 10:38
  doing a good job. Plus they're like a human being
• 10:41
  who's there and excited by you. You know, I mean, so I of course
• 10:45
  you can that just is that just tells me that that person has
• 10:48
  not had a very good sex life yet.
• 10:50
  But anyway, I digress. So, the point is, don't make
• 10:55
  everything about the erection. If you make everything about the
• 10:57
  erection, think how shitty it would be, if you made everything
• 10:59
  about whether your clitoris was engorged to the right capacity
• 11:02
  and he's measuring it with some kind of Device.
• 11:05
  You know? I mean, unless you're very, very
• 11:08
  unusual that does not turn you on.
• 11:10
  In fact, it makes you think that would be literally a nightmare
• 11:13
  and that's how a guy is going to feel.
• 11:15
  Once he lost his erection, at least one switch guys, lose
• 11:18
  direction from anxiety when they're like fucking 15 years
• 11:21
  old. You know, that always happens
• 11:23
  because fight flight and freeze doesn't include fight flight
• 11:27
  freeze. Er fuck you can't fuck when the
• 11:29
  tiger is bearing down on you, right?
• 11:31
  Because that you're all of your sin.
• 11:34
  Senses are engaged in leaving a dangerous situation.
• 11:38
  So when you look at your husband's soft peanuts with
• 11:42
  contempt, that's like a tiger staring him down, that should
• 11:46
  only has to happen. One time.
• 11:47
  And from then on, it's hard for him to get an erection and a lot
• 11:51
  of women. Don't look at it with contempt,
• 11:53
  but they do something equally bad, which is they think it's
• 11:56
  them. They think it means that he's
• 11:57
  not attracted to them. And the majority of women think
• 11:59
  this guys are always surprised to hear this.
• 12:01
  This is the funniest one. I like, oh, well, of course.
• 12:04
  You know, she feels bad then. So you have to make sure to tell
• 12:08
  her that. It's not about her.
• 12:09
  They say, oh, she doesn't think it's about her.
• 12:11
  I feel bad and embarrassed because it's about me.
• 12:14
  See. So let me ask you, if she
• 12:16
  doesn't get aroused. Do you think it's about her or
• 12:18
  about you? Oh, it's about me.
• 12:19
  She's not attracted to me. It'll like, how does it work?
• 12:22
  How does that work? That's logically crazy.
• 12:25
  So if she doesn't get turned on, it's about you.
• 12:28
  But if you don't get direction, she doesn't think it's about
• 12:30
  her. Of course she does.
• 12:32
  You got to tell her babe, I made.
• 12:34
  Aging I'm aging this happens now.
• 12:37
  Sometimes that skip getting morning wood too.
• 12:40
  By the way, not my favorite topic but has nothing to do with
• 12:43
  you. I still think you're beautiful
• 12:45
  but I'm just going to need some more touching, which sounds
• 12:48
  pretty good and which is something that I like anyway you
• 12:52
  know and it's my favorite part. Anyway is the foreplay on the
• 12:56
  touching and being around you and and you know being closed
• 13:00
  and that's how she's going to understand that.
• 13:02
  It's not about her because women don't take Biology courses
• 13:05
  either. I'm biology courses don't even
• 13:07
  really cover this. So you want to make sure that
• 13:10
  your wife also doesn't think that you are not getting hard
• 13:12
  anymore because her aging body is disgusting to you because
• 13:16
  very few men are in that situation if you are in that
• 13:19
  situation. Well shit, if you want to keep
• 13:21
  having sex with her you still gotta tell her that it's not
• 13:23
  her, don't you? Because you want to be a nice
• 13:25
  guy and there's really no other recourse because if you want to
• 13:29
  keep having sex with her then and you love her, then you're
• 13:33
  attracted enough to her. That you shouldn't want to upset
• 13:35
  her. So you should reassure her and
• 13:37
  it still is mostly about you. Because if it only started
• 13:40
  happening recently, you know, like whatever, I mean, like,
• 13:44
  there's there's times where young men are with women that
• 13:47
  they don't find that attractive and if they're young enough,
• 13:49
  they still have a great erection.
• 13:51
  So, you know, it's more about you.
• 13:53
  It's more about aging and anxiety than it is about the
• 13:55
  woman generally. But anyway, so what is the
• 14:00
  overarching theme of this as per usual open?
• 14:04
  Communication is key and necessary.
• 14:07
  If you want a sex life that can stand the test of time and that
• 14:12
  can make you feel close and connected even throughout the
• 14:14
  vicissitudes of aging and, you know, anatomical differences
• 14:19
  over time such as the penis not being the penis that used to be.
• 14:24
  But you know what? None of the genitals and none of
• 14:26
  the bodies. They're connected to our what
• 14:28
  they used to be either because people age and that is fine and
• 14:32
  that is totally normal. Oil.
• 14:34
  And if it's also, by the way, stop watching so much porn if
• 14:38
  you do because then you won't keep thinking that everybody
• 14:41
  supposed to have a rock-hard, you know, 10-inch erection,
• 14:44
  which they don't, and that's not helping, that's not helping
• 14:49
  anything. All right, so hopefully you got
• 14:52
  something out of this and it's again, a good one to discuss on
• 14:56
  your own. Bring that up.
• 14:58
  If your partner is somebody who likes listening to me, then
• 15:00
  thank them very much because they, you know, that's great.
• 15:04
  Eight that they like to listen to what you like to listen to.
• 15:06
  But if they have told you, they don't want to hear from you
• 15:08
  anymore. That means that you want to
• 15:10
  bring up this by yourself which you can do, all right?
• 15:14
  Have a great day guys. Talk to you all soon.