Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 169. Things to Check Before I say YES: The People Pleasers Manual

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169. Things to Check Before I say YES: The People Pleasers Manual · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Apogae Production. Welcome to the She Rises Podcast. I'm Ashi
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: and I'm Tiana.
• 0:14
  Speaker 2: This podcast is about female empowerment and encouraging you to
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: be your biggest, boldest, and most authentic version of yourself.
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh and cry and talk about the topics
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: everyone else is too afraid to talk about.
• 0:28
  Speaker 3: Get ready for your next level of self.
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: Hello everybody, Welcome back to she Rises. Oh my gosh,
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: we're nearly double twenty twenty five.
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: I'm not ready.
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: Our last episode of the year will be our end
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: of your reflection all the things that we've learned. But
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: today we're talking about things to check before you say yes,
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: because we don't want you to be the yes girl
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: in twenty twenty six. No, actually, let's stop that shit
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: now absolutely, because we're done with abandoning yourself to make
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: other people happy. All it does is end up leaving
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: you drained and depleted and full of resentment. And you
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: deserve to choose yourself and do what makes you feel happy.
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: And you also deserve to have people around you that
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: love you even when you say no.
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, and the right people will love you when you say.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: No, I respect you for having boundaries.
• 1:10
  Speaker 3: Oh you took the words right out of my mouth.
• 1:12
  Speaker 3: It is so true.
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: The people who also value themselves yes, and their time
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: and energy will value when you do the same thing.
• 1:19
  Speaker 2: They're not going to get triggered. They're not going to
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: get upset. They're not going to be like, oh my god,
• 1:22
  Speaker 2: it make you feel bad. They're actually going to be like,
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: damn girl, get it. Yeah, I respect that.
• 1:25
  Speaker 3: Yeah, you take care of yourself.
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: This week, I saw a quote it was like, people
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: that are not okay with your boundaries is because it's
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: not benefiting them anymore.
• 1:33
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: I was like, oh, that's so true. And people get
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: triggered when you have a boundary. Oh yeah, that fallow.
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: That isn't it. But it's so true. Well that respect
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: you and have their own boundaries.
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: We're like, of course they liked it before when you
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: used to say yes without checking with yourself.
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: As convenient because it worked for them.
• 1:47
  Speaker 3: Yeah benefit them.
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: Yes, exactly right, So checking with those people.
• 1:51
  Speaker 3: Yes.
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: Something that you can say to checking with yourself is
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: do I have the time and energy this week? So
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: this could be somebody giving you a task, somebody asking
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: you if you can help out with them, do a favor,
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: whatever it is. Checking with your Okay, do I have
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: the time and do I have the energy? Because if
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: you can just say, hey, like let me get back
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: to you. Let me just check my calendar and I'll
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: get back to you in thirty minutes, you give yourself
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: at least a thirty minute buffer time to genuinely take
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: space from that person, sit with yourself and ask if
• 2:20
  Speaker 2: it's something that you genuinely want to do, because you
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: don't always have to respond immediately, and if you are
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: responding immediately, you probably haven't given yourself enough time to
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: actually check in with yourself if you have the time
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: capacity and if it's something that you actually want to do.
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: Or not one hundred percent, even longer than thirty minutes, Hey,
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: I'm just at work. I'll get back to the next
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: couple of days. Yeah, So then you can really check
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: in with yourself. Even I asked a girl from the
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: other day if she wanted to be involved with one
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: about projects, and she was like, Oh, today's just not
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: the day for me to answer this question. I'll come
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: back to you when I'm feeling more stable. Because you're
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: just having a hard week and it's like, that's so
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: fucking cool.
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you get back to me whenever you can. Cool
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: because she's just really checking with herself and doesn't want
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: to respond from a place of fear or lack or exhaustion.
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: She's like, let me come back to you when I'm
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: feeling grounded. Yeah, it's like that's perfect.
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah, because she didn't in that moment go oh my gosh,
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: yes and then come back and be like, you know what,
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: Actually that doesn't feel good for me.
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: Yeah, or I'm letting you down now I can't do
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: it and I'm pulling out, or feel bad and say
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: yes and then go through with it anyway at the
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: cost of her own energy. I'd hate her for her to.
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: Have to do that, especially in a time where she
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: said vocally yes, this is a heavier week for my
• 3:23
  Speaker 2: feeling robbly.
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, it's really cool giving yourself that time and space.
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: Another thing to ask yourself is am I seeking approval
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: from the other person or am I genuinely saying yes
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: because I want to do it. I think I've said
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: yes so much in the past because we've done a
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: high episode on this, but scared of getting rejected or
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: scared if I say no, that they will think I
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: don't care about them. I've been someone that's been in
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: like the rescuer or the warrior archetype where I'm like
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: wanting to save everyone and help everyone, but I did
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: it from a place of that will get me more love.
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: The more I do, the more people will love me.
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: So it's been a really hard thing to unlearn and
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: practice saying no because that initial fears will pop up, like, oh,
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: They're going to not feel loved by me if I
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: don't do this for them. So just ask yourself, am
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: I saying yes from a place of fear? Or am
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: I just saying yes because I genuinely have the space
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: and capacity and I want to do this. Oh I
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: love that.
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: What a beautiful way to stop resentment from happening as.
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: Well preventing cracks.
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: Yes, it's all about prevention is I say it jokingly,
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: but it's true. It's like everything in life. You just
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: prevent the point of getting to the point where shit
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: has to blow up or shit has to hit the
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: fan or hit crisis before you actually look at things.
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: Why do we do that? I don't know.
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: Wouldn't have to do that? You can do that refine
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: as we go, such a better place to be.
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: Definitely.
• 4:41
  Speaker 2: Another thing that you could ask yourself is does this
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: actually align with my priorities right now? This is something
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: I've recently started to do a lot more of, is
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: having to say no to things that are fun but
• 4:54
  Speaker 2: don't align with what I'm working towards right Let's say,
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: for example, like limited capacity, when you don't have as
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: much bandwidth or much time or whatever, and you only
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: have a certain amount of time to give, does this
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: actually line up with my priorities and what I am
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: choosing to pour my time and effort into right now. Yeah,
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: And you may want to do it. It may even
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: feel like, oh, you know what, I totally could, But
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: then you know you're going to be stretched over here
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: and not have enough time as your work task or
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: your project that you're working on, or pouring into your children,
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: whatever it is. So I think that's a really cool
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: thing to ask yourself and has been really good for
• 5:28
  Speaker 2: me of not being the yes girl anymore in terms
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: of everything and being willing to say no more.
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: It's like, be honest, that question at the cost of what? Yeah,
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: everything's got the cost of something?
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: This is it?
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: The cost of your mental health? Is it the cost
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: of time away from your kids? Is the cost of
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: your energy? Is the cost of your sleep? Is it
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: the cost of you getting behind in your project?
• 5:46
  Speaker 2: Oh? I love that you said that so much, because
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: there are times where like, I'll have friends invite me
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: to things that are like pas seven thirty friends. Yeah,
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: you have friends?
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: Do you so much fun?
• 5:59
  Speaker 3: No, this bitch knows. I'm not going anywhere seven thirty
• 6:01
  Speaker 3: after seven thirty.
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: No, you gotta book din it for five thirty. They're
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: asking me you at seven thirty. They don't know you
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: very well.
• 6:07
  Speaker 3: That is very true.
• 6:08
  Speaker 2: You were very correct, and I would be going with you,
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: and not that.
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: Stephanie and Tatiana are in the building the feld E.
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so somebody would ask me to do something on
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: a weekend or whatever. And if I know that somebody
• 6:23
  Speaker 2: asked me to do something after seven thirty on a
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: Friday night, and I've got training with this woman at
• 6:28
  Speaker 2: five point thirty the next day, I'm not going.
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: I remember some guy asked her out to go to
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: the movies on a she calls it a school night,
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: and the movie was like she would have been done
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: by eight thirty, Max, and I remember on the walk
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: he were so I can't believe he would think I
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: would go to a movie. It starts at six thirty.
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: Paid he wants to go to a movie on a
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: school night at six thirty. She was so expressed. Then
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: he was like, you know you'll be home by eight thirty.
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: She's like, absolutely not.
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: I have you be home by eight thirty. I'm like,
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: you're lying, And I was like, this man is not
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: the man for you. I'm like, no, because you know
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: it'll be it'll push into nine thirty. But when we
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: get home and have dinner and do all the things
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: that it's so funny because I would do the same
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: way too late.
• 7:06
  Speaker 3: Have you tucked in by eight thirty?
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: I'm like you will not?
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: Yeah? True, absolutely not. That was funny. That was so funny.
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: Something I think a lot of people struggle with is
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: how to actually say no kindly. Oh so they just
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: say yes because they don't know how to say no
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: that doesn't feel good for me, or no what I
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: want to like that you can fluff and beat around
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: the bush and make up little white lives that makes
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: you feel better, or you can be clear and direct
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: and kind. And I think the right people once again,
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: will respect you for saying that, Like there's been times
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: where we've done it to each other. It's like, I
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: am so fucking tired. I'm going to sleep in tomorrow
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: and like skip out training or skipper walk. I just
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: need to fucking sleep in, or let's role play ask
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: me to do something.
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: Hey, babe, this Saturday, I want to go up to
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: Brisbane and I'd love to have like a day thing
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: where we go for like lunch and like spend the
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: day up in Brisbane because I want to go to
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: this food eatery thing that I want to go to.
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: What's it called Brisbane Eats? Yeah, do you want to
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: come with me?
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, I've actually really want to go there.
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: I really want to go there. For fuck. If I'm
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: being completely honest, I'm so exhausted right now. I had
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: the wedding last week. Steve and I do that relationship course.
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: I feel like I'm catching up on sleep and I
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: haven't seen my kids much this last week. In the
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: new year, I would love to do that, but right now,
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: I just feel like I need some grounding time at
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: home because I'm really stretching myself and finding myself just
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: really fucking exhaust and I can't show up how I
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: want to be. So can I do a rain check?
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, babe. We can look at that later on. Did
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: you get some rest?
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: It's on every second weekend or something.
• 8:27
  Speaker 3: Yeah, we've got plenty of time.
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: Yeah, perfect, beautiful? How you giving me one? Okay, Hey, babe,
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: I want to go on a wild, sexy weekend with
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: Stee from Thursday to Tuesday. Can you have the kids
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: for four nights? I'd probably say yes. Oh my gosh.
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: Firstly, I support you, queen, go fucking pay your babes.
• 8:50
  Speaker 3: No, but I do have.
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: A lot of work admin that I have to do,
• 8:55
  Speaker 2: and I've got a couple of clients over Thursday and Friday,
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: and I don't think I'm going to have the capacity
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: to be fully present in the way the kids deserve.
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: Is there somebody else who can help? And maybe I
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: can look helping over the weekend, because I think that's
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: about as much that I can give.
• 9:08
  Speaker 3: Does that sound okay?
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: That'd be amazing. Actually, I can get Megasy the Thursday Friday,
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: beautiful because she has a quiet a day then and
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: then if you could do the weekend well, like I
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: have sexy the week absolutely absolutely.
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: You know what, I'll be there at Saturday morning at
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: five am.
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: Girl. What about this? You know how Sunday is your
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: rest day. Yeah, it is. You've gotten very good at
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: having strong boundaries on your rest day. Hey, babe, So
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: we're moving house this weekend on Sunday. It's when if
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: you can come and pack boxes in the all day
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: because many hands make light work and I've got a
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: sore back, so I really need to like carry some
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: of the heavy stuff.
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: Babe, I would say yes, no, okay, sorry, I'm being serious. Play.
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, babe. I'm so excited that you're moving
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: into your new house. It's so exciting. Although I totally
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: understand how packing can feel like a bit of a heavy.
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: Painful job, like I need your help.
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: Oh, I hear you, babe, pack it on the guild
• 9:57
  Speaker 2: people do this, right, I so hear you, babe. However,
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: I've just been feeling really stretched lately in work and
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: feeling really overwhelmed, and I'm not having much downtime to myself,
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: and I find that if I don't kind of give
• 10:10
  Speaker 2: that to myself over the weekend, I really start to
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: get overwhelmed and then it kind of pulls into my
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: next week.
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, I so understand that feeling. It's actually
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: the worst because once you are feeling exhausted, then you
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: get anxious and you can't show up, and then it
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: just the whole next week's hard. I totally get it.
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: Yeah, And I'm like, I already feel bad for not
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: being able to help. I want you to know that
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: I love you and I support you, and I'd love
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: to help in other ways, but I just don't think
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: right now I have the capacity to really help when
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: it comes to moving.
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: You show up in every other way.
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: So that's so fine, Thank you, babe. Big guys Gold
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: plays examples. It can be fun.
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: It can be so fun. Yeah, And you might not
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: be able to show up in the exact way they
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: want you to, but you could offer in another way
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: that still feels really good, and that feels good for
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: you that you're still contributing and help, because I know
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: for us, contribution is a huge value. We love helping
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: the people that we love, but do it in a
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: way that can feel good for both people.
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, And a lot of the times it's the compromise, Yeah,
• 10:58
  Speaker 2: Because you can compromise when it comes to boundaries. You
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: don't have to be like, oh my gosh, no, fuck you.
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna go.
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: I'm going to have my bread a day by yourself.
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: Have fun with that. Like that's okay, send me photos,
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: send me photos once your room is done up.
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: Then I'll come over absolutely not having dust in my face. Yeah,
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: so I hope you have fun. I'm gonna go enjoy
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: the sun for six hours. The beach is just so
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: good right now. Oh babe, maybe I'll send you photos
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: of the beach. I'm gonna go get that Steake I
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: really liked send your photo.
• 11:27
  Speaker 3: Oh my gosh.
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: You know.
• 11:28
  Speaker 3: But it's meeting in the middle, yetime.
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: It's like, okay, cool, I can't help you for four
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: day sex capade, but I.
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: Get why really important.
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: But maybe one day it is pun but maybe one day.
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: Or like with the packing thing, it's like, yes, I
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: can't offer you a whole weekend, but you know what
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: I can do. I can give you three hours of
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: my time, yes, and I can come and you know
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: what I'll bring lunch to.
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: It's really finding yourself in the middle. Okay, cool, what
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: actually feels good for me? And coming back into if
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: we were to ask each other these things again. Hey babe,
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: I'm just in the middle of something right now. Can
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: I give you a call in about an hour, give
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: yourself the time and space before you say yes. Yeah,
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: check in with yourself. You can't go wrong. And the
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: guilt part. People will pack on the guilt so hard,
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: but you have to be willing to be okay to
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: hold that guilt. Yes, because it's not yours to hold
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: as well. Yeah, that's their stuff. And you know what,
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: like you saying rescue them, you saying yes, Like, let's
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: do a role play. Let's see if you can pack
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: on some guilt. Oh god, okay, don't use the four
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: day sex because of me?
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: Why did I say four days? Fred? I'm just I
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: think one day I'll be enough. Okay, what's another scenario?
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: Oh hey, babes, you know how Steez been away. I'm
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: just so fucking exhausted. I've had no free time. I
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: got to this doctor's appointment and then I had this
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: other thing booked in that I've got this interview that
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: I cannot cancel, Like, are you able to come watch
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: the kids for me? By the way, I've never done
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: this to hers, so I'm Please'm no this is.
• 12:50
  Speaker 3: Role playing guys.
• 12:51
  Speaker 2: Yeah, Oh my gosh, babe, I'm so sorry that you
• 12:53
  Speaker 2: feeling stretched. And also I get it about the interview.
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: I don't blame you for.
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: It's so stressful. I'm so stressed, like I need to
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: get this done. Yeah, so don't. Yeah, babe, got no
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: family around.
• 13:02
  Speaker 3: Oh babe, I'm so sorry.
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: I want to laugh, interrupting her. Poor me.
• 13:10
  Speaker 2: We're like smiling at each other, look at me.
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: It's so hard because, as you know, I've got no
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: family around. Babies, there's like thirty five dollars an hour,
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: and like, I literally have to get this stuff done. Oh,
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: You're the only person I can rely on. Oh baby,
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: I'm so sorry. Wish I could shoult for you.
• 13:25
  Speaker 3: Right now.
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: I've got five back to back clients.
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: Would you just like cancel them or like put them
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: for next week or something, because I really need you.
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: Honestly, with being this last minute, I don't think that
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: I can.
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, Well I helped you last weekend when I
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: had stuff on and I just like dropped everything for you.
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: I know, babe, And I'm really appreciative that you did
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: that for It doesn't feel like you're appreciative.
• 13:43
  Speaker 3: I am appreciative, babe.
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: Fuck, I would never say this to you.
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: No, it's so funny you trying to put on the
• 13:52
  Speaker 2: tone she should never.
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: Speak to it like it's getting stiff, like like my
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: abandonment will oh yeah, seriously.
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: But yeah, it happens. I'm so sorry, baby. I wish
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: that I could help it. Being so last minute, I
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: really don't that.
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: I'm like, I don't know about it. I'm so sorry
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: I asked. I won't ask ever again, like I shouldn't
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: have asked. I knew I shouldn't have asked, Like fuck,
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: oh no, I'm just being annoying and it's my own
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: problems and yeah, I'm so sorry. Anyways, I've gotta go.
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: I'll switch to you later.
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: I'll talk to you later, man. And then it's like
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: this moment like when that happens, breakdown of connection, breakdown
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: of trust.
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: Yeah, one PC.
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: But also you've got to be willing to hold it
• 14:24
  Speaker 2: safety yeah yes, true, but also both people. Though for
• 14:29
  Speaker 2: both people that's true if we can build our tolerance
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: to holding the discomfort of guilt, and even in just
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: this moment, like say role playing still I've just gotten
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: off the phone with her, she's disappointed, I feel guilty.
• 14:40
  Speaker 3: I'm like, fuck, like, am I a bad friend?
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: Oh? My god, all of this rumination that's coming. I
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: can just take a big deep breath into this place.
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: It's okay that I feel guilty right now. But it
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: doesn't mean that I'm a bad friend, yeah, or that
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: you've done anything wrong, that I've done anything right, and
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: that it's not your job to save me or manage
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: my life and the decisions that I've made to have children.
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: Traveling.
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: And there was also something you said in there to
• 15:04
  Speaker 2: you of like, well I dropped O for you last week,
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: Oh triggered. Have my own experience with this, so with this,
• 15:10
  Speaker 2: just because somebody doesn't have any boundaries doesn't mean that
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: you're not allowed to exactly. People will push and project
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: their behavior unto your face, yeah, and put it back
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: onto you and expect you to behave in the same
• 15:21
  Speaker 2: way that they will because that's what they.
• 15:24
  Speaker 3: Do for others.
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: And they did it to get something back, not because
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: out of pure love, because they genuinely wanted to, which
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: is why this conversation is so important.
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: Checking in with yourself, what place does your decision come from,
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: and are you either supporting the relationship or hindering the
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: relationship because it's totally up to you. And also it
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: comes with an onslaught of really uncomfortable emotions like guilt
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: and shame and feeling like a bad friend and feeling
• 15:46
  Speaker 2: like you're selfish for putting yourself first, when in actual
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: fact you are taking care of yourself and in turn
• 15:53
  Speaker 2: taking care of all of the people around you too.
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: I can also imagine too, like if roles were reversed
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: and you did that role play and I got off
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: the phone and felt like a bad friend, I can
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: imagine what mean you would do in that situation or
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: other things. A lot of people would then pull away
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: and be like, oh my god, I can't believe she
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: tried to make me feel bad. What a bitch. She's
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: not understanding, whereas I feel like me and you taking
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: that big breath and getting back regulated would then come
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: from a place of compassion. I imagine you'd be like, Okay,
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: she's stressed, she's overwhelmed, she's got a kid, she has
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: to miss out on these appointments. I reckon you send
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: me a message of reassurance. Hey babe, once again, I'm
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: so sorry I couldn't show up for you today. I
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: hope you're okay, and any other day you know I'm
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: there for you.
• 16:31
  Speaker 3: I lovely so much.
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: Let me know how else I can help.
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: So in these situations, if your friend is struggling to communicate,
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: say no, one needs your help, whatever, you can still
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: lean into them and keep the bond protected and know
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: that everyone has hard times and is stressed and sometimes
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: says things I don't really mean either. I saw a
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: quote the other day actually, and it's like someone who
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: is emotionally mature can never truly hate someone because they
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: know there's a reason why they're like that something like that.
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: I was like, that's so true. When someone's acting out
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: or acting to behavior that you know they wouldn't be
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: proud of, It's like, who hurt you? What happened? Something's
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: happened to put you in that place to be like that,
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: You're not proud of that. When you come from that place,
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: and compassion, it just like diffuses it definitely, and it
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: stops it being their energy because you're sending them energetic love.
• 17:12
  Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, and also you stop I feel like in
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: that moment when you can lead from compassion, you're not
• 17:17
  Speaker 2: taking it personally.
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: So true.
• 17:18
  Speaker 2: A good point you know, because it's like, well, if
• 17:20
  Speaker 2: it's not about me, I don't have anything to be
• 17:22
  Speaker 2: anxious about. Or maybe it's not about me, like what
• 17:24
  Speaker 2: you said, the curiosity, what if they are going through something?
• 17:27
  Speaker 2: What if they've had a really bad day? What is
• 17:29
  Speaker 2: there something they're going through that I don't know about yet? Yeah,
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: and then you have compassion. Oh just the icing on
• 17:33
  Speaker 2: the cake that tipped them over. Yes, Yeah, I feel
• 17:35
  Speaker 2: like when you can hold somebody else's response or reaction
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: without automatically assuming it's because of you, you're much more
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: open to support.
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: You know, another thing you could do on top of that.
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: So you got off the phone and you're like, fuck,
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: I feel like a bad friend or whatever. I assume
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: this is something that you and I would do. Also,
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: is hey, babe, I feel like that phone call ended
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: not in the best energy. I don't want to assume it.
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: Just sort of make sure that we're all good. And
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: you didn't take it personally that I said. No, I
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: hope you've got enough evidence that I'm here for you
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: for as much as I can. It's just as particular
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: time I had five clients. Yeah, don't take it personally. Yeah,
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: I'm here for whatever else you need. I feel like.
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: Past conversations we've probably had.
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: Yeah, just another way that instead of like making it
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: about you and making it bigger and saying they're a
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: bitch or they're not nice or whatever, it's like, Oh,
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: let me just send another message of reassurance to bring
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: the connection back in the Hey, I hear you, and
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: that didn't end very nicely or like it doesn't feel good.
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: Want to bring this back in and check that you're okay.
• 18:30
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, Yeah, that's such a beautiful thing to remind people
• 18:33
  Speaker 2: as well that they can the.
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: Gap, you can be the leader in that, because it's
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: cool to have these role played conversations and speak about
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: boundaries and how to say no or yes. But in
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: the real world, she like, this happens all the time
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: with your partner, with your friends, with your family members
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: around Christmas time, Like we've did a whole episode on
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: it and not people pleasing. But when this happens, try
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: not to lean out, Try and lean back in and
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: show them they're still loved in their moments and show
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: them there's a better way to communicate and do this.
• 18:59
  Speaker 2: I love that you said that because we've been having
• 19:01
  Speaker 2: many conversations about this about the priority being repair. Yes,
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: you know, the priority being repair in the relationship. It's like, yes,
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: we're human, we're going to fuck up, we're gonna make mistakes,
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: we're going to have moments. We're not perfect all the time.
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: So what are we going to do about it? What
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: do we do about it after the moment happens? And
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: I think that in itself is such a bridge to
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: connections and a fridge to connections.
• 19:22
  Speaker 3: More connection.
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: Connection.
• 19:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that allows us to stay plugged into the people
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: that we love without creating those unintentional cracks in a
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: relationship because, like what you said, immediately, the safety is
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: gone when this happens. Oh my gosh, I'm making this
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: mean that this person doesn't want to support me.
• 19:37
  Speaker 3: Yes, they don't love me, they've lent out.
• 19:39
  Speaker 2: Yeah exactly, Well this person, now, this person's mad at
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: me because I didn't do what they wanted me to do.
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: Oh shit, is our relationship not as strong as I
• 19:45
  Speaker 2: thought it was?
• 19:45
  Speaker 3: Boom Ley.
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: Now yeah, then there's resentment and yeah, yeah, this connection crack.
• 19:49
  Speaker 2: The stories, the stories gotta clock those stories.
• 19:52
  Speaker 3: That's story cheeky.
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: It can become so big you can make them your truth.
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: Like if you truly believe that that's going to break
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: down your friendship or your relationship.
• 19:59
  Speaker 2: And then this is where the distance starts to happen,
• 20:02
  Speaker 2: because it's like they're both feeding stories that both aren't
• 20:04
  Speaker 2: necessary really true for the what's actually happening up, but
• 20:07
  Speaker 2: it feels true in their mind. And then all of
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: a sudden, there's this big emotional roadblock in between these
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: two people, like, oh shit, now I don't feel safe.
• 20:15
  Speaker 2: Now I can't come into this person.
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: Can I ask the velpe again? Yeah? And not there
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: for me. Oh they're not a true friend. Oh, one
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: story turns into ten stories. Yeah, and it's this big
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: monster in your head. Then you're looking at them differently
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: and you're judging them.
• 20:28
  Speaker 2: If we're in a bad mood, think about what we
• 20:30
  Speaker 2: had to do to get to that bad mood. It
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: didn't just all of a sudden boom, Now I'm in
• 20:34
  Speaker 2: a shit mood and I'm angry at you. It's I
• 20:37
  Speaker 2: had one thought, and then I fed that thought, and
• 20:39
  Speaker 2: then because I fed that thought, it turned into twenty
• 20:42
  Speaker 2: more and now I'm in a bad mood.
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: One of the last thoughts I just was thinking of two,
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: which we speak about so much. But it just keeps
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: coming up. Is to checking where your nervous systems at.
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: If you're super disregulated, are you just saying yes for
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: the sake of it without even like taking a breath
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: to even ask yourself if you can fit that in,
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: if it feels right for you, Is that the right
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: decision for you? Does it fit in with your family? Like,
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: if you're disregulated, you're probably gonna make decisions that not
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: aligned or don't fit with you right now. So just
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: take some big breask, get yourself out of that red zone,
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: which we explain, and rise inside. If you haven't heard
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: that yet, it's so powerful, get back in there, and
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: then make a decision that feels right for you in
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: that moment, or like we said earlier, say i'll get
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: back to you tomorrow or in a couple of days.
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: Times you've got that time to regulate, Yeah, and then
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: make a decision that feels.
• 21:23
  Speaker 3: Good for you.
• 21:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah, Because if you're making decisions from an ungrounded place,
• 21:27
  Speaker 2: you're only going to make your life feel heavier in
• 21:29
  Speaker 2: three days from now. Yes, because it stacks right, doesn't it.
• 21:32
  Speaker 2: When you're overwhelmed and you're moving at a fast pace,
• 21:35
  Speaker 2: and you're feeling off steady and off tilt, and you're
• 21:37
  Speaker 2: saying yes to other people, but you're not even making
• 21:40
  Speaker 2: time for your life or your priorities, all the things
• 21:42
  Speaker 2: that are important to you, your work tasks. And now
• 21:44
  Speaker 2: you've got ten things that you've said yes to that
• 21:47
  Speaker 2: you're fucking resentful for that you have to do. Now
• 21:50
  Speaker 2: you're going to get to the end of the week
• 21:51
  Speaker 2: and you're.
• 21:51
  Speaker 3: Gonna break down. You're gonna have a cry.
• 21:53
  Speaker 2: You're gonna call you Bessie, and you're gonna ugly cry
• 21:55
  Speaker 2: to her in the FaceTime like I did on the weekend. Yeah,
• 21:59
  Speaker 2: because you're feeling so overstimulated and so overwhelmed. And this
• 22:03
  Speaker 2: is why we will preach till the cows come home.
• 22:05
  Speaker 2: Like the nervous system regulation is their very first step
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: that you've got to take when it comes to anything
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: in life, anything in every parenting. I know this was
• 22:13
  Speaker 2: a big one for you. Parenting, business, friendship, relationships, building
• 22:18
  Speaker 2: a life for yourself, whatever it is you're doing, it
• 22:21
  Speaker 2: makes it ten times harder if you're doing it with
• 22:23
  Speaker 2: a disregulated nervous system.
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: Yeah, just know that not every time, but a lot
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: of time when you're saying yes to everyone else. Yes, yes, yes,
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: just to people please and to fit in and fear
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: of rejection. You're saying no to yourself. You're abandoning yourself,
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: and over time that shit's exhausting builds up a lot
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: of resemblance to just be super conscious of where you're
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: putting your time and energy and what you're saying yes to.
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: You know, the right people will respect you and be
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: okay with you saying no absolutely.
• 22:47
  Speaker 2: And I feel like this conversation kind of gets had
• 22:49
  Speaker 2: a fair bit on social media of like just you know,
• 22:52
  Speaker 2: if you're saying yes to others, you're saying no to yourself.
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: You won't know what it feels like to say yes
• 22:57
  Speaker 2: to yourself until you actually do it.
• 22:59
  Speaker 3: Yeah, if you can build.
• 23:00
  Speaker 2: Just the little bit, tiniest little bit of evidence of
• 23:03
  Speaker 2: choosing yourself, you'll start to feel that internal sense of
• 23:06
  Speaker 2: belief start to pick up and you'll be like, oh
• 23:08
  Speaker 2: my gosh, this feels really nice. Oh my god, I
• 23:10
  Speaker 2: did what I wanted for once, And you start to
• 23:12
  Speaker 2: see this like a light in you, kind of like
• 23:15
  Speaker 2: a light.
• 23:15
  Speaker 3: Turn on for the first time.
• 23:16
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it starts to get a bit of color and
• 23:18
  Speaker 2: it flickers on and then all of a sudden, you've
• 23:20
  Speaker 2: got this liveliness about you. It's because you're now choosing
• 23:23
  Speaker 2: to live your life from a place that genuinely feels
• 23:26
  Speaker 2: good for you, and you get to have that.
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: It's powerful. Thank you so much for tuning in. But
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: before we go, Rise and Side, which is so exciting
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: if you're new here, it's our online subscription and every
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: single month we have a different theme and a different topic.
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: We take you through two trainings. We have a guest
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: expert come on for the third training. Then we have
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: a live Q and a there's a workbook, there's meditation,
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: PEP talks, a school community where we'll get to communicate.
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: Next month in January is all around mindset and limiting belief.
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: So if you've listened to any of these episodes out
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: the last couple of months and you find you're just
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: stuck in a negative mindset, you can't get out. You
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: feel like you're in a negative dark spiral. You have
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: limiting beliefs that are stopping you from building that business,
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: or taking that chance, or taking your risk. Just take
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: the next steps to achieve your goals. This is the
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: month for you and it's perfect. I feel like to
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: start off the new year with.
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: Absolutely and especially if you're finding yourself surrounded by old environments,
• 24:15
  Speaker 2: old people, old places, and you're just like not feeling
• 24:18
  Speaker 2: inspired at the moment, this is an opportunity if you
• 24:20
  Speaker 2: just get that little pep in your step again of like, oh,
• 24:22
  Speaker 2: I'm shifting my environment. You've got to really be willing
• 24:25
  Speaker 2: to in the new year, but not just in the
• 24:27
  Speaker 2: new year, at every point of your life, put yourself
• 24:30
  Speaker 2: into the rooms that you want to be in. You
• 24:32
  Speaker 2: want to change your mindset, you want to change the
• 24:33
  Speaker 2: way that you feel about yourself. You want to change
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: the way that you see opportunities for yourself.
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: You get yourself in the room I love us saying.
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: It's like, if you're sick and tired of feeling sick
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: and tired of like your own bullshit. I always think,
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: would I be proud of if I was to stay
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: in the same place mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually this time
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: next year. If you don't change anything, if you don't
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: work on yourself, if you don't keep digging deeper to
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: know the deeper layers of yourself, guarantee this time next
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: year you'll be like, what the fuck have I done?
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: The last twelve months. Absolutely, I didn't do anything. I'm
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: still in the same spot. I'm still earning the same money,
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: I'm still surround by the same people. I don't feel
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: any different. What just happened in this twenty twenty five Yeah, like,
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: don't do that. Yeah, put yourself in a space where
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: you're going to be supported. You're going to grow and
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: learn and actually feel different. That woman that you know
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: you can be actually work towards becoming her, and we're
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: there to support you the whole way. Because we've done
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: this work, we're condensing it into a really playful, fun
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: way that is easy to digest, easy to integrate, and
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: I guarantee every single month you will feel like a
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: completely new woman.
• 25:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: So cool. We'll leave all the details in the description
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: box below. If you have any questions about next month,
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: or if you want to join now and you haven't
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: done month one. It's all based around Nervous System. It's
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: my favorite month. It's so freaking cool. Just send us
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: a DM on the she Rises Instagram page. Will be
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: able to answer all your questions. We literally voice message everyone.
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: It's so far and so much fun. Happy to connect. Bye.